The Crimes of the Covert Narcissist: Numerous metaphors are used to describe covert narcissists: demons, vampires, the embodiment of evil, etcetera. The list goes on and these terms are appropriate as well as useful in that they give insight into the type of creeps these covert narcissists are below the surface. But what exactly are these covert narcissists guilty of? What are their crimes, their sins? Well part of the problem is that the covert narcissist is covert, they are very adept at hiding their evil from others, even those closest to them. Nothing is as it appears with a narcissist. The narc may at times actually convince themselves that their fake outer noble and positive persona is genuine, but that narc is usually well aware of the game they are playing and the lies told to keep everyone around them guessing, in the dark, and most importantly under the narc's control. Yes, many an outsider can't fathom why the target of a narc can't react to a breakup like everyone else. The outrageous behavior of the narc and totally calloused and gleeful approach they take by purposely doing emotional damage in that seemingly normal breakup is known only to the victim. Outsiders are told that the target is the crazy and irrational one and the cold demeanor of the narc seems to show that the narc is in fact the rational one. But again this is only what it appears to be on the surface to those who have never conceived of the depths of depravity that covert narcissists sink to. So what exactly and precisely are those narcissists crimes? Well, before we engage in this discussion let's take the advice of the Bible and look in the mirror, realizing that it is far easier to spot the splinter in another person's eye and be ignorant of the log in our own. Yes, the target wasn't vigilant, was too willing to believe in the narc, didn't scrutinize or simply believed in the good of that narc despite the numerous verifiable lies that were told. Surely most of what that narc was presenting to their confidant and best friend and intimate partner was true, wasn't it? Well sadly, only later does the target find out that no, almost everything that narc was presenting to the target was a lie. The narc, their persona, everything they said and did with regard to the victim, including every promise made, every future event planned, and every commitment made was mere posturing and game playing because that narc is the epitome of a fake, phony, fraud. The poster child of charlatanism. We tend to call the victim of the covert narcissist an em path and that is a good description since it defines a person who does want to put themselves in another person's shoes and understand. The narc, of course is drawn to this and plays the perfect victim in the form of the lost waif looking for a savior or the misunderstood rebel that is really soft and vulnerable on the inside among many other ploys. Yes, that feigned vulnerability and need to be understood draw the em paths like flies. Of course the em path is not a perfect person as the narcissist is quick to point out in the devaluation phase of the relationship. Yes the em path's faults are embellished, fabricated, magnified, even warped by that narc, and without a doubt some of the narc's criticisms are spot on, but that is beside the point. The em path is only a human being and flawed, just as every other human on earth is, but that em path was genuine. That can never be said for the narcissist. More importantly, the em path took many of those criticisms to heart and tried to improve upon themselves. Why? Because that em path actually took the relationship seriously and had an actual goal of trying to build a harmonious, peaceful relationship that could last a lifetime. Yes, people pleasing and putting up with a partner's nasty behavior isn't necessarily the right thing to do and that is one of the areas the em path failed. The greater problem with the em path is that they simply couldn't get themselves to heed the obvious red flags in their partner. That em path never truly scrutinized the narc's inconsistent stories and brushed those lies off as white lies. After all it became obvious very early on that calling a narc out on their lies got them nowhere anyway. But the em path chose to see only the good in that narc and chose to believe in them. Yes, that was a function of love and love can be and maybe even should be partially blind if two people are to ever bond and get along peacefully. The problem was not expecting that same leeway from the narc. But the em path's lack of scrutiny and willingness to believe the narc early on was the major miscalculation. Yes the em path's lack of scrutiny, wanting to believe was a major blunder. But let's be clear, the narc purposely hid all of their duplicity and treachery from the victim at the beginning in the idealization phase and then slowly and purposefully bound that target into their web of deception. No one could blame the em path for lack of judgment once they were under the spell of that narc's chicanery. In the middle of a relationship with a covert narc the victim has been actively blinded and mesmerized and at that point has lost the ability to discern the truth no matter how increasingly obvious the narc's incontinence becomes. The signs of a lack of love, a lack of loyalty, lack of commitment, a lack of any empathy coming from the narc do hit that target in the head and get their attention, but by then the fog and ambiguity and disorientation prevent that victim from putting together the pieces or even focusing to see things clearly. Now onto the covert narcissist and their crimes and this ties directly in to the original point concerning observations by outsiders that are convinced that the target and not the narc are the irrational ones. Yes, many a victim falls into the clutches of a narc and is convinced they are in a normal relationship, especially when that concept of covert narcissism is inconceivable. So that target loves that narc and has made that lifetime commitment and believed that the narc's promises, commitments and proclaimed love were just as genuine as their own. No person dating in this day and age ever has 100 percent certainty that a relationship will last forever and realistically speaking, yes, two people can grow apart and part ways for almost any reason. So, in theory a person could be in a relationship with a covert narcissist, have a breakup and never realize that person they were with was a narc. The problems occur when that narc shows their true colors, drops their mask either deliberately or inadvertently and decides that the previous partner needs to be suddenly and without warning disposed of. This produces a shock to the partner and disorientation, as well as a need to make sense of things, now that the partner's whole world has been turned upside down. The narc typically has already moved on and has no incentive whatsoever to show any sympathy for the victim's plight. That ex partner is now simply in the way and the questions that ex has are an inconvenience. The next stage is when that narc actually purposefully emotionally tortures their ex by design, with their new partner as a willing accomplice. Yes, take a victim who has just suffered a major shock, lost everything important to them and start playing games with a person that is already on the edge. Compound all of that by convincing everyone that the target is the one who was unhinged and the abuser and that narc has literally sucked every ounce of energy from that target and stolen it for themselves. So the narc's true crimes, their sins start to become visible when we see the truth of that relationship with the ex and the true nature of that discard and how it was executed. Clearly observing that depraved way that narc abused their ex brings to light the true extent and nature of that narc's crimes. It would have taken minimal effort, just an ounce of concern for someone other than themselves and a minimal amount of effort for that narc to leave the relationship smoothly and enjoy the new life that they had been cultivating and planning right under the nose of their ex. But the very fact that the narc didn't even have a minimal concern for a person they proclaimed to love just days previous says volumes about the stark, soulless environment under the skin of that ghoul. A person could be forgiven for not empathizing with a stranger in a distant location, but how is it possible to not have an ounce of concern for a previous “soul mate”? How is it even conceivable that years of loyalty, as questionable as it was, could suddenly be shifted to a complete stranger overnight? Yes those judgmental outsiders would never believe the outrageous scenario the narc put that former ex through. But let's look at things from the narc's point of view, empathize so to speak. That narc has a lack of empathy, no conscience and no remorse and the argument can be made that for at least some narcissists that is just how they were born. We know for many of these creeps they made an active decision to live only for themselves and years of debauchery made them lose whatever conscience they were born with. But let's give the benefit of the doubt and call the narc a victim of genetics and environment. Let's allow for the possibility that the narc is not to blame for their lack of empathy and remorse and for not having a conscience. Let's go one step further and allow the possibility that the narc doesn't fully know that each and every fake relationship they build is a fake. The reality is that most narcs do know the game they are playing and never have any intention of doing any more than extracting fuel from that target. Most narc's knowingly deceive, but let's give the benefit of the doubt. So if this narc was a victim who was born without the capacity to love or have genuine concern for another human being they might be forgiven for simply reaching out to another person for a relationship in whatever capacity they can partake in it. No one could fault that narc for seeking that relationship and not wanting to be alone. You might even somehow make the point that a narc not being able to fully comprehend the value of love, can't appreciate that love and therefore is constantly searching for a the next relationship that might produce contentment and joy and peace. OK, point made. So if we follow that logic, we conclude that the narc should be left alone since they never really meant any harm. But is that how it plays out in the real world? Yes, that narc could go from relationship to relationship, show a minimum of fake compassion and move on, but do they? Unfortunately for the pile of victims in that narc's wake, no they don't. That narc extracts everything from that relationship and takes it all for themselves and the incredible negative impact, the cost to their victims is multitudes greater than any small pleasure, or benefit they get from shirking their responsibility as an adult in a relationship they seek to exit. That narc refuses to honor the debt, the responsibility they incurred by verbally and under false pretense committing to a relationship. Yes a few grains of gain for the narc cost the victim their entire existence. So that crime of the narc becomes obvious. They don't have an ounce of concern for anyone but themselves. Not an ounce of concern for a person they purposely deceived and extracted a genuine relationship from. But the crime goes further. It isn't enough the victim is destroyed. The narc then in their own warped mind can't help themselves but to self righteously deny that previous partner any answers and then decides to even take advantage of that situation. They then flaunt their new relationship and remove any last vestige of their previous partner's self esteem and self confidence. So yes even if somehow that narc is a narc through no fault of their own, that can never be used as an excuse for the damage they do to others. That narc is an adult human being and culpable for all of their actions towards others. It isn't necessarily their narcissism that hangs the narc in the end, it is how that narcissism, that cold hearted lack of concern for anyone but themselves, plays itself out in other people's lives. That is the narc's crime and it is inexcusable. That narc only puts on an act of concern for others when it is to their advantage in the idealization and mirroring phase. The true nature of the beast only shows up when there is no longer any gain for the narcissist. How foolish can a human being be to incur such a huge cosmic debt that could have been totally avoided for a minimal outlay? Yes we are now looking at a love relationship as simply a transaction with no emotions attached to it. We are looking at a relationship in the same detached coldness as a narcissist and even under these stark conditions it is inconceivable that a person wouldn't have enough sense to at least take into account that they will one day have to pay for all of the evil and harm that they have done. That would keep most people up at night. Yes we reap what we sow whether we believe in God or not, because God does exist and is in control. Yes that narc is a slave to sin, a greatly indebted individual who has committed crimes that warrant a jail sentence and public exposure and they go nowhere without always looking over their shoulder. Yes the narc has a history, they have numerous sins and those crimes follow the narc wherever that narc goes. The narc, despite all of their denial is aware of those crimes. In many ways the narc is actually proud of all that they have gotten away with, but that is just the equivalent of whistling in the dark. Only Jesus can take away that debt, can give that narc a chance to have peace and joy and walk in the sun, no longer worrying about what is in their past and with the ability to look forward to a bright future. But a phony, patronizing, lying acknowledgment of “having found God” with no evidence of anything but more lying and deception shows that so called conversion to be yet another ruse in an effort to manipulate. Targets victimized by narcs have a responsibility to themselves to learn about narcissism and learn about what made them vulnerable to narcissists. Yes sometimes trusting others and assuming the best is the fool's way and it is the target's responsibility to no longer be a fool. There is no need to be paranoid and cynical and assume the worst of others, that is the narc's way of looking at the world and that philosophy hardly qualifies as wisdom. No, we continue to think the best of others, but we will be aware and be more vigilant, and be less willing to give away trust without doing our homework. Living in a dark world where you always assume everyone is lying and has ulterior motives may make you less vulnerable to being deceived, but looking at the world in that warped way produces all sorts of other misconceptions and in the end that person creates more problems for themselves than they ever solved. We will leave that world view to the narcissist. No wonder they are miserable people with no hope. It is the target's responsibility to gain knowledge and understanding of covert narcissism and see where they failed. The target does need to understand their role in the dysfunction of the relationship while at the same time realizing that the full culpability for the abuse in that relationship rested solely on the shoulders of the narcissist. Yes an informed victim does his or her homework and is amazed at how they can learn to spot a liar. Those narcs go through every tell and it is quite amusing to see someone lie in real time while you know they are lying. Call the narc out on an obvious lie and they double down, never admitting anything. No we won't be giving away what we know to narcissists because they will simply try to find another way to get around the “tells”. Public agencies have decoded lying and that information is available. Continuous vigilance and scrutiny in an effort to discern fact from fiction in our everyday lives is no longer an issue for the informed target, since we will be avoiding narcissists in the future. But we will make it a point to be more aware in our dealings with all people. We will, however, never lose our optimism, or our belief that many people are good and have good intentions that are genuine. So what is the chief crime of the narcissist? Not caring about anyone but themselves and being selfish to such a depraved level that it would boggle the average person's mind. All of the narc's evil actions stem from that lack of concern, lack of even the slightest concern about others. The average person can't conceive of the moral corruption that lurks in that narc's psyche and that is what allows narcs to ply their trade covertly and allows them to convince others that the victim is the person in the wrong. We know better. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Take Note: Covert Narcissism is real, it exists. It's a fact of life that these people are roaming free in open society. There can never be a law against narcissism, because the covert narc is usually very careful in the way they abuse. Only when the narc is under pressure do they place themselves in potential legal jeopardy. It is the victim/target's most important task to not give the narc anything “to work with”. That narc will twist everything the ex partner does and make that person appear to be the perpetrator. The take away is this: Once you know you have been dealing with a covert narcissist partner NEVER EVER trust these people again or make yourself vulnerable. Not emotionally, not legally, not financially. Any potential “reform” in a situation where there might be an obligation on the victim's part to resume a relationship means that trust will need to be earned by that narc over years and possibly decades. But who would ever want to live that way? Yes covert narcissism is a fact of life but many will never believe. All we can do is warn people and create awareness.