Why We Give Up on the Covert Narcissist: Giving up on someone isn't easy. When you have loved someone and wrapped your whole existence around that person giving up on them is the equivalent of killing a part of yourself. So yes, you could twist that and say there are selfish reasons for not being able to let go. But that is the line of reasoning of a covert narcissist. Of course the victim made themselves vulnerable when they should never have done so. Of course they misplaced their faith. Of course that victim misjudged the situation. But does that now mean the target of the covert narcissist should place all of the blame on their own shoulders? Does this mean that because that target invested themselves into the narcissist their inability to let go is only because they care for that investment? The narc thinks precisely along those lines. The narcissist also gets an ego boost and perceives that inability of the target to let go as a testimony to their own superiority, their own greatness. But is that a way of looking at life? Does this way of thinking work? The narcissist believes without a doubt this type of twisted warped logic works very well. For them. But for this life view to work the narcissist has to omit everything that doesn't fit their narrative, has to minimize or deny their own culpability and place all of the blame onto the victim. More importantly, the narcissist has to breach the unwritten contract, the agreement that was reached in the genesis of that relationship. Yes the unwritten contract of being in a relationship is to make a commitment, to be there for each other and to make the best attempt possible to work things out when there are disagreements. It should also be noted that in many cases all of these things were discussed in high detail and verbally agreed to before any relationship was ever even pondered. Yes, the narc agreed to it all, never meaning a word they said. So when the implicit contract of a relationship is even made more firm and explicitly agreed to, you don't just walk away and give up when the going gets tough. Part of being in a relationship means holding on, trying to understand. But the narc twists it all and calls it selfish to not allow them to simply switch partners, to walk away when they get bored. Yes all of society is based on numerous unwritten agreements. So if we lived by the rules of the covert narcissist all society would break down. No one could trust anything or anyone. Yes, just do as you please whenever you please. Damn the rules, the narc is above them all. Their mantra is “do as thou wilt”, the primary law of the Satanist. Now sadly, a victim that has been “given the treatment” by a narcissist and is in the devaluation phase of the relationship will believe themselves that the narc has valid reasons for all that they do. That includes emotional, psychological, and in some cases physical abuse. That includes justifying the covert narcissist leaving at the drop of a hat and not needing to give any explanation or have any concern whatsoever for the target they have now tired of using and abusing. That includes being made to feel selfish for not simply letting go when the narcissist is done with us. But of course much has been omitted. Our attachment for that narcissist isn't all about us per se. We actually cared about that person. We saw their flaws and even though we weren't aware of covert narcissism we were aware of many of the elements that made the covert narcissist defeat themselves. Yes as a partner who had made that lifetime commitment to a very deeply flawed individual we felt it was our function, our obligation even, to try and get them to a place of peace and contentment. A place that admittedly we wanted to spend with them. We saw that person's potential and wanted to help them achieve it. But that was before we knew anything about covert narcissism and could even conceive of the fraudulent situation we were in. That narc neither cared about us nor had they made any investment or commitment to us. It was a game for the narcissist. An act. A performance. But even after that narcissist was gone and before we understood the game that was being played, the ruse perpetrated upon us, we still deeply believed in that vision we had of who that narcissist could be, the good that was inside of them. We believed they loved us and shared our vision for the future and we genuinely felt that the narcissist was losing something of substance: the love, concern, and investment that we had made in these creeps. Yes we were puzzled at the time. How could the narcissist simply walk away from all of our efforts? The answers came later. That covert narcissist was in that relationship for the experience and the experience alone. Our efforts, all of our heart and soul that we poured into that individual were of no value to the narcissist. Yes they were useless garbage and so were we. So we were simply put out on the curb like any garbage when our purpose had been served. The narcissist wanted us removed from their presence, thoughts, and memories. They had a new stage set up and the role of their partner would be filled by another “chosen one”. Yes, sadly you would simply be omitted and erased just as easily as all of the important details of the relationship that point to the narcissist having been a fake and an abuser. Oh yes, you were omitted, but your role as an abusive perpetrator would be retained. No, that narcissist wasn't done with you just yet. You were needed to seamlessly get that narcissist into the arms of the next main character in their passion play. Yes the female narc would be killed and reborn a butterfly emerging from a cocoon and flying delicately into the horizon to meet her next soul mate. The male narc would be a phoenix emerging from the fire victorious. Just some of the innumerable metaphors possible. The reality is that the covert narcissist simply killed the fake persona of one relationship and is now invested in their next phony and fake persona. The masks were simply changed and a new part would be played by the narcopath. But the narc perceives themselves as a victim who overcame and reemerged “changed”. No, boredom, lack of commitment, lying, treachery, and cheating had nothing at all to do with that transformation. Once again key facts are minimized or omitted to make this narrative a reality despite the actual occurrences. So yes twisted logic based on lies, deception, and gaslighting, works well for the covert narcissist. Omitting key and critical details of what happened in that relationship by denying those things ever occurred or minimizing their importance works like a charm. It even convinces the narcissist of their own lies. Yes, they would probably pass a polygraph. So in that sense and in that sense alone has the covert narcissist “grown”. That covert narcissist has less and less conscience over time, lying and treachery and every other form of abuse becomes easier and easier to perpetrate and becomes more refined. The only thing that will ever stop that narcissist is when they themselves inadvertently become tangled in their own web and suffer damage themselves. Yes, of course the narcissist will capitalize on that as well and simply twist the circumstances using any damage done to them as proof of their own victim status. As proof that they themselves have been abused. Yes, when you make an art form out of denying responsibility to the point where you even convince yourself, you could say that that is a viable way of living life. Yes it “works”. But does any sane human being agree with any of that? Most of us understand that the truth is critical. Assessing things accurately is critical. Seeing things as they are is important, even if that means taking blame, feeling remorse, feeling guilt. No one likes the real and deep emotional pain associated with beating yourself up and having to face the fact that you have to change your attitude. That is the maturation process. No one likes heeding a conscience or feeling remorse. No one likes being fully aware that they could have done better. Yes, when our interactions with another human being don't go as planned, we try to understand and take whatever responsibility for that situation that is necessary. Sometimes we realize that it wasn't our fault, that our attitude was mostly correct and that the other person simply didn't get what we were trying to communicate in that interaction. Fine, but denying responsibility and demonizing the person we have a disagreement with isn't the “go to” response. First we look at ourselves, we assess things and try to see both sides of the story, knowing full well that we can never know what the other person's motivations or thought process really was. But the covert narcissist is the exception to that rule of not knowing what goes on inside of another person's head. Because individual covert narcissists exhibit similar patterns of behavior to others in their group and these narcs all have similar reasons for doing these things we can get an idea of what that covert narcissist's line of thinking and motivational forces were. Once we know we have ourselves a covert narcissist of course. That gives us far more answers than would ever be coming from the narc themselves. That allows us to finally sort things out, because we now have many of the missing pieces. The pieces that the covert narcissist insisted on minimizing or insisted on omitting are now able to be seen clearly and incorporated into the narrative. Just to be clear we are talking about the things that covert narcissist was doing right in front of the victim, while that victim was present. We are talking about the deception, misdirection, projection, future faking, word salad, among many other tools of the narcissist's trade that made it possible for the covert narcissist to disorient and confuse the target to the point that the target doubted their own perceptions, doubted what they saw happening right in front of themselves. That was only the tip of the iceberg, since the treachery, deception, disloyalty, and cheating occurring behind the target's back was exponentially worse than what was being observed by that target. Yes, the narc in their own way has done that victim a great service by leaving the scene, but it will take many years of work for the victim to finally see that. So yes eventually the target does the unthinkable for themselves and gives up on another human being. Every avenue of communication was shut down by the narcissist and every effort to resolve the conflict was stonewalled. Every effort to have a healthy amicable split was denied. Even after all of that abuse, lying, treachery, that target still cared about the narcissist, wanted to understand and wanted to believe that the person they saw deep inside that narcopath, the person that narcopath had the potential to be was really there. Yes we believed that despite all of the abuse that narcopath did have a core of humanity. But time proved us wrong. The criticism coming from that narcissist that we thought was an effort to show us our failings and get us to become better people was simply raw abuse by the narcissist for the purposes of causing frustration and emotional turmoil. That pronouncement of love by the narcissist was simply an obligation the narcissist felt they had to maintain the pretense for caring and being committed. That proclamation of love was also posturing to make sure that narcissist kept you on the hook until they were quite certain of your replacement. So the narc had it all planned out from day one. All through the mirroring idealization phase, all through the golden period, all through the devaluation phase. Yes the script had been written previously and now you would be cast as the savior, turned lover, turned abuser. You were just next in line to play that part and sooner or later another would be chosen. The narc themselves never saw the part they were playing, other than that of victim. They naturally shifted from victim status in one relationship to the victim in the next. That narc never saw their part as the abuser, as the manipulator, as the true perpetrator. Yes that narcissist freely shifted from one point of that Karpman triangle to the next, sometimes playing different roles in different settings. But the narcissist never saw themselves as the perpetrator. Yes if they were ever in the role of perpetrator they saw themselves as a “crusader”, fighting the forces of evil. You, as the target were chosen to fit the bill and be the evil they were fighting. That was all done seamlessly and the narc was aware of it and was quite proud of their ability to pull things off. Yes that narc got a real boost to their self confidence and self esteem by being able to con so many people and get away with it. But the covert narcissist's perfect world is ruined when victims of these creeps actually begin exposing these people and their methods of operation. Individual accounts of abuse, even when done anonymously, don't sit well with the narcopath. Worst of all, calling these people's actions out as evil means that a victim viewing the information might actually begin to wake up and realize the farce that was acted out and presented to them as a genuine relationship. Yes, that victim might actually begin to understand that they weren't wrong or at fault or deserving of all of that abuse. Well, facts are facts and having a full unedited version of what occurred in that relationship, as painful as it is to digest, eventually allows the victim to recover. Part and parcel of that recovery is coming to the conclusion that that covert narcissist was a waste of a human being and not worth our efforts. That is harsh and that is sad. But the narc gets exactly what they wanted: Full freedom, carte blanche to do as they please and perpetrate a new ruse on a new target. Yes, the individual covert narcissist is safe, since that target will not engage or get anywhere near that covert creep again. But exposing the aggregate of covert narcissists that are loose in society is fair game. The target has done what was needed. That target put every effort in to reach the narcissist, to help them, to show the significance and genuineness of their love. That target even wanted to try and show that narcopath that there is a better way of living. To fully forgive that covert narcissist. But that was before the true harsh reality of the heartless calloused environment inside of a covert narcissist was fully realized. So, eventually the target comes to a point where they have “served their sentence”. Yes the target suffered terribly and may well continue to suffer into the future, but one thing is for certain: That narc is erased. They are gone and they had better stay that way. But what about the people that call themselves sufferers of NPD that have a legitimate point to make. Shouldn't we empathize with them? Yes possibly a person could view these videos and take them to heart. Well here is the thing: Anyone with a conscience or remorse, anyone who actually becomes self aware shouldn't at all take these videos to heart. These videos aren't about anyone who actually has the ability to feel remorse or has a conscience. These videos aren't about anyone who would ever take any criticism to heart. They aren't about someone who is reachable, they are about the unreachable. They are about people who see a video, even one made by a person they personally victimized and have absolutely zero remorse or guilt. They laugh everything off. That narc's only concern is personal exposure and as long as they are safe they are unaffected by the description of their actions or the pain they cause. The narc's primary concern is themselves and personal exposure. So what about the self proclaimed innocent victim suffering from NPD through no fault of there own who was born that way? Shouldn't we be concerned about calling whole groups of people evil and possibly damaging an innocent party? That point is legitimate. But the problem with that argument is that we aren't calling covert narcissists out as being evil simply to demonize them as individuals, we are calling them evil because of their evil actions. The terrible calloused abuse that they perpetrate on others is evil and that is simply a fact. A self aware narcissist who may never be able to feel empathy for another person is not evil in and of themselves. That narc can choose to do the right thing and to try and do better and to try and not hurt people in the future. That can be respected. We have no malice whatsoever for those self aware covert narcissists. We don't hold them responsible for the fact that by either virtue of genetics or environment (upbringing) or both, they have no concerns for another person's suffering. It is the glee and maliciousness with which the average covert narcissist does their damage and the adrenaline boost they are addicted to as a result that we focus on. That behavior is fully and totally unacceptable and merits every pejorative term possible. No, this isn't a game the target is playing to “get even” or damage an individual, let alone complete strangers and whole groups of people that never did any harm to the target. The information, the descriptions of covert narcissists are critical and crucial to the real victims: Those who had their lives destroyed by the pure malevolent selfishness of a person whose actions are undeniably diabolical. But more importantly, a person that sees nothing wrong with continuing on doing damage. So to use some metaphors. If there are vampires lurking amongst us and we have encountered one of them and we are also aware that many more of these ghouls exist, is it not our responsibility to warn others of the existence and danger presented by these sacks of filth? Is it considered abuse of the vampire to let people know they exist and the damage they can do? Is it wrong to call out those vampires as evil bloodsuckers who pretend to be benign? Now if a vampire is self aware, identifies themselves as such and has found an alternative way of satiating their appetite that can be respected. But how many of those vampires actually do that? Very few. So people must be warned. That vampire has to be called what it is, evil with nothing but malevolent intentions. Similarly, if you are traveling in shark infested waters and have heard numerous accounts of people being eaten alive, wouldn't you warn someone who is about to go for a swim? If that person didn't take your advice, wouldn't you go one step further and tell them how dangerous sharks can be, especially when hungry? No, sharks aren't your friends when you encounter one of them that needs a meal. Yes many of those sharks are benign, even though they look dangerous. But just because only one out of ten sharks is a vicious killer, a man eater, are we now doing the wrong thing by calling sharks a menace. Yes the shark is just doing what comes naturally, but when people's lives are at risk we call these creatures dangerous and to be avoided. We do everything in our power to drive home the point since many people will just not get it. Until it's too late. Moreover imagine a shark that is as dangerous as most sharks but appears to be a friendly dolphin. One day when you least expect it that dolphin sheds its skin, shows its teeth and nearly mauls you to death. No, we call that unnatural and yes, evil. No the shark only did what came naturally and we knew the chances we were taking if we were foolish enough to trust them. But a creature that appeared to be a dolphin that was never a dolphin and tried to kill? Yes that is evil. Yes we have just described in different terms a wolf in sheep's clothing. A common metaphor for a covert narcissist. Yes a pathological covert narcissist who is neither concerned about changing nor wanting to see the error of their ways will never be touched or moved or made to feel bad about any video or other presentation depicting them as evil. It will have no effect upon them. The narc's only concern is their own personal exposure. Yes, if anyone were to take these videos to heart it would be the covert narcissist that was my partner. Well she did come to visit nearly a year ago and told me she had “found God”. The lies spewed in that encounter told a very different story. Yes, she was suffering from an illness and living alone and stated that maybe I should stop making videos about covert narcissism. Yes she had been watching the videos. All of them. Was there any sign of guilt or remorse? Even an apology? No. According to the narc she was there to give me closure. Well I will not go into high detail of all that was said, all of the lies told and the doubling down on the lies when confronted with verifiable contradictory proof. But OK, she was there to give me closure. No, not to silence me, although she had a lawyer that was carefully screening each video. But where was the remorse? Where was there any trace of having felt guilty or wanting to make things right? So let's spend a few moments in crazytown. There is a reason for it. Was it just coincidence that not a few weeks previous I had the most bizarre encounter with a “person” who was taking on two personalities at the same time and making threats and accusations about me personally in the comments section of my YouTube channel? Yes the person was a woman and her cousin all rolled up into one. When I responded by saying that the person she was describing wasn't me, that she had a case of mistaken identity and that I didn't know her, the response was “No, you (meaning I) have a case of mistaken identity”. What nonsense. Think about it for two minutes, So I assumed she was someone I never met and that meant I had a case of mistaken identity? OK. Does that mean I knew her, or “them”? Or did I have a case of mistaken identity and not know my own self? Who knows what was meant. It made no difference since I knew the truth. The creep never gave any coherent answers and was simply blocked after given numerous opportunities to either identify themselves anonymously with some details or otherwise prove who they were. Yes I had a strong inkling it was the ex narc trying to intimidate. The potentially sinister reference to her cousin will not be detailed out. But she was mistaken if I was ever going to respond to any of her threats ever again. Yes the narc had made similar bizarre postings on her social site, the most notable of which is when she posted as the same person, but used three different identities under that same tag name. In one post a surprise of a new iphone was being planned by two people under one tag name. One or two posts later the recipient of that iphone made note of how surprised she was by the unexpected gift under the same exact tag name. Are you confused yet? Yes it makes your head swim. No we can't make sense of the incoherent and nonsensical. But we certainly feel bad for those who aren't even aware of how foolish and crazy they sound. But back to the comments on that YouTube video. Was I communicating with one person or two? From my recollection the answer I received was something along the lines of: “Yes it's us.” Of course that makes no sense. It's worth repeating the notable quote from that freakish encounter. After I told this anon that I didn't know who they were their response was: “You have a case of mistaken identity”. It's like saying: “If you don't know me you have a case of mistaken identity”. OK. But then the person refused to acknowledge they knew me. Is this someone who wanted a serious conversation? Of course not. But all of the hallmarks of the ex covert narc partner made it highly likely that this was she. So not coincidentally does she show up shortly thereafter at my place of work, waiting an hour to speak to me with a different strategy than the anon did. Sure, just a coincidence. Yes it is possible, but highly improbable. Make no mistake that narc I was with knew she was evil. I never understood it at the time, but she had good reason to state “I'm not going to a good place”. Well that woman is alive and if she is bound for a “not good place” it is not because of any past actions, including all of the harm she did to me. Her refusal to see the error of her ways and become self aware to a point that she chooses to no longer do damage is her reason for having an ominous future. That person has been clearly shown the effects of her actions on others and more importantly has been shown a way out: Jesus. That is tough love. That is compassion. That is concern coming from a target and gifted to the narcissist despite that narc's terrible actions. That is empathy. But eventually the obligation is gone and the covert narcissist is rightfully written off. Yes the target has every right to give up on that narcopath. No, that doesn't mean that the covert narcissist is irredeemable, it just means that the narcopath's fate is no longer the responsibility of the target. The narc made their bed and will no longer be warned. Let the narc sleep in their bed. The narc created their stage, they chose the roles of each and every one of the characters in that farce presented as a real, genuine life. That narc even chose their own role. Yes, other people are involved in that drama, but we are out of the loop. It is no longer our obligation to point that out to our ex partner, someone who knows it all. Most narcissists simply perceive every attempt at waking them up as abuse, someone trying to play their game and beat them at it. OK. But we continue warning others about this condition of covert narcissism and the extreme danger of being in a relationship with these ghouls. So no we no longer empathize with the covert pathological narcissist. We gave our all. We emptied ourselves. We did empathize. All that was accomplished by the empathy was to give more energy to the narcissist. Energy that was used to commit even further abuse. All that the empathy did was embolden the evil cretinous covert narcissist further. Yes, all of our efforts at empathy simply had the result of producing enablement. Sadly we no longer believe in the covert narcissist and have written them off. But we retain our optimism and our belief that the vast majority of people on this earth are reachable and are worth empathizing with. So what ties everything in this video together is one simple truth: The narcissist continues to expect us to show them empathy when that’s all we ever did when we were in that relationship and long thereafter. It’s clearly provable that the narc themselves never had any empathy for us even after given many chances to prove they had a heart and a soul. Yes, it’s a two-way street this world is, but a narcissist will never understand that. It’s all about them and everything has to be put into terms that accommodate them. Yes we are now free. We have air around us again. Fresh air and sunlight and all of the toxicity is behind us. It is no longer our obligation to care or be concerned. We paid our dues and it should be stated again, we served our jail sentence. Yes the jail door was opened long ago, but like the bird man of Alcatraz we felt obligated to remain in that cell. Something inside of us told us we needed to stay in that cell, to try to understand what got us there in the first place. Somehow we were strangely attached to the routine in those restrictive and structured confines. Yes, that cell was a home to us and despite the harsh conditions we were comfortable there. But we finally realized there was a better life outside of those barred walls and we departed. We will never allow ourselves anywhere near that toxic environment created by a covert pathological narcissist again. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

End Comments: Remember: The covert narcissists wants covert narcissism to be a myth, and urban legend. That's how they think of covert narcissism. Yes, covert narcissism is a figment of the imagination, it doesn't exist according to the narcissist. Never in their wildest dreams would a covert narcissist watch a covert narc abuse video and connect the dots. The narc would never own any of that behavior as their own, but there would be a curious smirk on their face. Because all of the information presented in the video about how covert narcissists abuse could be used in that narc's next smear campaign against their next victim. Yes, all of the anecdotes shared by genuine victims of severe covert narc abuse could be appropriated by the narc for use in their next phony fabricated tale of victimhood. Do you see what is missing? No empathy for the suffering of these people. Just detached curiosity and a willingness to take advantage of another person's tragedy. Sick. But so typical of a heartless, evil, callous creep we all know to be a covert narcissist. Yes, covert narcissism exists. It is real. It is documented in the literature. But the narc will take no personal responsibility whatsoever. It's always the other person's fault and their problem. Never the narcissist's. Remember Also: The victim had every reason in the world to stop believing in that covert creep and that relationship, yet they still believed in this person, had faith in them. The covert creep had no reason whatsoever to give up on the relationship and every reason to believe in and have faith in the victim, and yet they still walked away. But the worst part of it all is that they demonized the victim for no good reason whatsoever. There was a reason though: They were a covert narcissist.