Things that the Covert Narcissist Will Never Understand and Why It's important to the Target The Goal of any covert narcissist abuse survivor is to fully heal, to completely divorce themselves mentally, physically and emotionally from the narcopath. But we all know that is easier said than done. The memories of the narcopath can't simply be erased and there are many reasons for this. The short explanation for the inability of the target to move on is that the targeted victim was not in a real relationship with a person who genuinely cared about them. But that isn't even the worst of it, not only did the narcopath not care about the target, they literally set out to use abuse and victimize that person. The result is that the narcopath turns a person they target into someone who questions their own perception of reality and their own self worth and abilities. In the end that target is a shadow of themselves and the abrupt departure of the narcopath with little or no explanation creates a deep trauma. Because of the incessant gaslighting by the narcopath that victim has literally been lured into a fantasy world. That luring was done very gradually and incrementally by a narcopath who had practiced this routine for the greatest majority of their lives with multiple victims. Thankfully some people become aware of the game being played and exit the relationship, saving themselves. But many victims have made their investment and even though they are aware something is very wrong with the relationship they persist in trying to make things work. Meanwhile every additional moment in that relationship means the target loses more and more of themselves. At the same time the narc is making plans for their next adventure with a suitable target. Yes the covert narc I was with had decided the next muse would be a military man, preferably someone living in California. The social site that narc had become addicted to was like a candy store for targets and a catalog for different points of view. A supposed liberal covert narc against gun violence would now indulge in an association with a gun loving conservative. If you take a look at this behavior from a detached point of view the bizarre behavior of the covert narc is interesting, but sick. Yes, the shopping had begun long before the final departure of that narcopath. But that is an aside. The victim is both disoriented and confused at the sudden discard coming seemingly out of nowhere for no reasonable explanation. Why? Because the target's reality was dictated by the narcissist and that false reality was slowly but surely getting further and further away from actual reality. It isn't that the victim was losing their ability to reason or use logic, it's just that the “material” that the target was working with was less and less based on actual genuine circumstances, but instead based upon the lies constructed by a depraved narcopath. The target was sane but because they were deceived they were no longer making sound decisions or plans, because those decisions and plans were all based on a foundation of lies. The narc had broken that person down to the point where they had lost themselves and wrapped their whole existence and future around the narcissist. The facts, which were of course all fake and phony facts of the relationship, were everything that the target based their reality on. When the narc departed, here was nothing left. That target's reality departed with the narcopath. Yes, now the narc would deny it all and weave an intricate tale of being abused and lied to and cheated upon. Classic projection. Yes the narc created the fake reality of the relationship and because they were the sole author of that fraudulent reality, the narcopath felt they had the copyright on that reality and could change it at will and be the final authority. So the victim is left with many unanswered questions, confused and disoriented making the narcopath's job all the easier. Yes, that victim's efforts at getting any answers or closure gives the covert narcissist all of the evidence required to convince anyone involved that the victim is the irrational one, the unstable one, the crazy one. So that is how it ends. The narc moves on washes their hands of the situation and pursues their new partnership. Clean and simple. Meanwhile that target is left with nothing, almost everything has been taken and what was left has been severely damaged. Normal, genuine relationships aren't like this at all. When both partners actually invest themselves into a relationship they both have skin in the game, something at stake. So that relationship has significance and meaning. The partner is respected as a human being, and loved. A commitment is made and genuine loyalty and empathy for that partner mean that there is an incentive to make the relationship work.. If things aren't right with the relationship, feedback is given. So in the end there is very little question when a relationship ends. It may well be that one of the partners still wants to make it work, but when that partner has put in their best effort and is satisfied they have done all that can be done, they have no problems letting go. Yes you were given a chance to satisfy that person and give them what they needed and if that isn't enough there are no hard feelings. Let another person do what you couldn't do and try to make your former partner happy. The key is that there is mutual respect and effort put in and if things don't work there is at least an earnest attempt to help each partner make a transition. If one partner cheats, they at least show genuine remorse and take the deserved anger and disappointment and resentment like an adult. Yes even in the worst scenarios where one person deeply injures the other in a relationship an effort is made to make things right, take the blame, absorb the deserved anger, acknowledge wrongdoing, and at least help the betrayed partner heal. But of course a relationship with a covert narcissist is anything but normal. So instead of a person moving on in a month or two it takes the discarded victim of a covert narcissist years and maybe decades. Why? Because the covert narcissist never fulfilled their responsibility as a genuine partner. They simply walked away from it all. This is how things work for someone that had the misfortune of having a covert narcissist target them. That victim took the relationship seriously, gave the due respect to the narcissist, and most importantly tried to adjust and compromise to make the relationship work. The narc purposefully kept that partner in an endless cycle of trying to please and that narc constantly moved the goalposts or simply altered the facts, especially when it came to past statements. Yes those past statements were edited or simply fabricated out of thin air. Statements that the narc themselves had made or even statements the target had made were altered to either create confusion or fit a fake narrative that the narc intended to construct. The end goal of all of the narc's ploys is always the same: pure manipulation of another human being. The narc sought to manipulate both that target's thoughts and actions. Yes the narc would put words into the target's mouth that they never uttered in an effort to constantly confuse and frustrate that target. Yes the natural flow between two partners in trying to adjust, trying to compromise, trying to create a harmonious future was obfuscated, confused and actually re-purposed by the narcissist to manipulate the partner. Why? Because the narcopath wasn't in a relationship at all. That narc was playing a game. They had no real commitment or love. That narc was in fact making a very minimal investment into that relationship despite outward appearances. They had no real skin in the game. That is even true in cases where the narcopath is in a relationship for decades. Worst of all the narc didn't care an iota about that person they victimized. That narc didn't care from day one, but sadly for the partner that lack of concern only became evident when that narc was finished with them and it was too much of a bother for the narcopath to leave the relationship with grace. In fact the narc even took advantage of that and triangulated with their new partner, cruelly toying with that ex partner's emotions. Yes, even love and devotion and loyalty that are no longer wanted or needed can be a source of fuel. That ex partner's pain gives a great sense of power and accomplishment to the narcopath. So it is clear that the narc had nothing of any value at stake at all, they never made themselves vulnerable. The bottom line is that the narc cared about no one but themselves and themselves alone. That harsh reality is beyond the scope of the victim's imagination at the time of discard. Only time and knowledge shed light on what was actually going on with the narcopath. Yes, eventually reality sets in but that takes time. A long time. It's all the same to the narc. It's not their problem. OK. Would any sane, rational human being be able to live with themselves after doing even once the things that covert narcissists commit over and over again? So in the end, as time goes by it is the covert narcissist's problem because no one avoids reaping what they sow, but it most definitely stops being the problem of the victim. Yes that victim can heal and even though it takes years to accomplish what would have been accomplished in weeks it doesn't really matter at all in the grand scheme of things. Yes, the key to recovering from covert narcissist abuse is to put those people behind us, to see them for what they are and to see them for the type of people that have no value if we want to go on with our lives as productive, mentally healthy, positive people. So we have to look at that association we had with the covert narcissist pragmatically, take away most of the emotions and just analyze things for what they were, not what we imagined them to be. Yes we will call that association we had with the covert narcissist a relationship, but let's be clear, the relationship was only on our side. The covert narc themselves was simply playing a game, putting on an act, seeing how far they could take things. Seeing how much lying duplicity and treachery they could get away with. Seeing how far they could take the abuse, and getting a huge thrill out of disorienting and confusing a person on an ever increasing scale. The gaslighting was all for one main purpose: to gain control and to manipulate. To make a person doubt their own perceptions, their own self image. To literally dictate the reality of another human being. If we zoom out and take a bird's eye view of that association initiated by the covert narcissist we see clearly that this association was never a real relationship at all. It was a counterfeit in every sense of the word. That association began on a false premise right from the very start, with the narcopath closely observing then mirroring a target's likes and dislikes, which progressed to the narc idealizing and very subtly flattering the target until a seemingly genuine relationship was initiated. The narc was never really interested in making a lifetime commitment, but they even went so far as to verbally and very convincingly make a lifetime commitment before any actual relationship was initiated. Yes the narc would even make the commitment to marry at some time in the future if that is what it took. But in every single instance, every word that came out of that covert narcissist's mouth was insincere deception. The narc did and said whatever was necessary. The game was initiated and followed the same pattern countless victims of covert narcissists have experienced. The devaluation and discard all eventually arrived at the appropriate times and in the proper sequence. So another damaged person whose life had been destroyed was left stranded without a clue as to what had just occurred. The covert narcissist's trademark attribute of having no remorse or conscience was on clear and indisputable full display. Just a new relationship for the narc and a bright new horizon. For the narc. End of story. Simply put that association was fake and phony from the beginning to the middle to the end. No the covert narcissist never cared, no they never loved, it was just simple posturing. An act performed for the simple thrill of getting another person to be convinced without a doubt, to believe in something that wasn't true. To believe in a reality that the narcopath constructed out of thin air. Even the persona, the person that narc portrayed themselves as was phony. Yes getting people to believe a lie is what gives the narcissist their false, self-deluded sense of superiority, of grandiosity. So what is it that the covert narcissist will never understand? Well, they will never understand the subtleties of a real relationship. The genuine acts of selflessness and kindness that are given as gifts to another human being with never a thought of reciprocation or gain. Acts of love that give a sense of joy simply because it pleases to give encouragement and care more about someone else than we care about ourselves. The narc will never have the courage to make themselves vulnerable and therefore never get the great reward for believing in another human being and sticking with that belief. That narc will never experience the accomplishment of inspiring someone to achieve something that they never thought possible simply by giving that person encouragement and support. The narcissist will never experience the sorrow, the anxiety, the tribulations of another human being or share in the great joy when that person overcomes those obstacles. The narc will never understand the meaning of giving oneself to another human being and becoming one with that person. The narc will never be able to comprehend all of the most important and subtle emotions that go into a relationship that make that relationship both meaningful and valuable and more than anything else consequential, significant, genuine, real. Yes, when a person has a genuine relationship they actually put themselves at stake. They feel their partner's pain, they feel the intense emotions when their partner experiences a tragedy. They feel the intense joy in their partner's success after that partner's intense effort st achieving something. Yes, a genuine relationship isn't a two dimensional game of chess where the partner is just another pawn and only one person is aware that a game is being played. It is an actual experience based on reality, based on investing your heart, your soul, your future, in fact your whole life into another human being. Having that person be as important to you as you are to yourself and maybe even more so. Yes, a covert narcissist might feel some of that pain or glory when they become a parent and relate to their own children, but sadly even that experience is a mere fraction of what it should be or needs to be. But don't ever expect a covert narcissist to ever have any feelings for their partner. Yes, we have to keep in mind that the covert narcissist lives a droll, lifeless, soulless black and white existence. The only subtlety in that narcopath's life is the subtlety of being a deceptive human being who makes themselves superior through treachery, deception and destruction. So what is the point being made here? Every victim that was targeted by a covert narcissist has a long way to go before they ever attain freedom from the abuse that they suffered. This is primarily because that victim partnered with someone who wasn't equipped with even the most basic tools to make a relationship work. In fact that narcopath didn't even know the first thing about what a genuine relationship requires and is composed of. The narc never even got into the relationship for any of the reasons a normal person enters a relationship. Moreover that narcopath wasn't even interested in the substance of what a genuine partner has to offer. That target was literally casting pearls before a swine. Let's make no mistake about it, that victim was not the crazy one, they weren't the unstable or irrational one. Under any normal circumstance and in any normal relationship with a person who actually cared and made an attempt to be a true lifetime partner a relationship could have been dissolved if need be and that target would have gotten back on their feet in a reasonable amount of time. That target would have washed their hands of the situation and felt lucky that the partner who was so dissatisfied with the relationship was out of their life. In other situations with a less forthcoming partner that was still not a covert narcissist, there would have been many red flags and warnings right on the surface that made it very clear that the relationship wasn't working out, that their partner couldn't be trusted. That would allow the person to pull back and make themselves less vulnerable. But being that the covert narcissist was not really in a relationship at all, was in a game , and never had a dog in the fight that narc continued their ruse up until the very end. It didn't make a difference what effects would be had on the ex partner. So the damage was done. The disorientation, the emotional pain, the self doubt, all of that was unnecessary and unneeded. But the narc didn't care at all and couldn't help themselves but to purposefully make sure that the target's defenses were all broken down. So the victimized target lost all of the tools to get themselves back. There is no doubt that the covert narcissist will never understand the pain suffering and incredible damage their act of depraved selfishness caused to their ex partner. That narc doesn't even have the capacity to comprehend most of those emotions. Quite honestly they don't want to understand and they don't care. There may one day be a time when the narcissist encounters a tragedy and loses something very important to them, but make no mistake they will never think back to any of the victims whose lives they personally destroyed and make the connection. Yes the covert narcissist will never share in the joy of another person's victory or share in another person's agony when a tragedy befalls them, not to mention all of the multiple emotions in between that are present in every genuine relationship. Why? Because that narcopath is simply not engaged with their partner. It's all a game. Yes, the narc will get immense pleasure out of causing someone else's pain and agony. Also, many a narc may have cold empathy but that is diabolical to say the least. It would be better for the narc to feel nothing at all. Make no mistake, the narcissist will one day experience the agony of their own defeat, and being that they are as selfish as they are, that is the only time it will ever have any consequence or meaning for them. The only empathy a narcopath feels is for themselves, but of course that isn't empathy at all. We are talking about genuine empathy. For the narcissist empathy is simply a vulnerability they can capitalize on and take advantage of, it's not something they can actually understand themselves. Because of that they only make use of a fraction of their potential as a human being and lose out on almost all of the opportunity of what life has to offer. Yes, they never realize their own potential because they simply refuse to engage in and commit to life as an integrated human being. But the narcopath also holds themselves back by not ever being able to recognize genuine opportunity, even when all they need to do is reach out for it. Yes the narcissist will never understand the depths, the breadths, and the scope of human existence. They'll never understand the potential of what a genuine relationship can do for a person who gives freely of themselves and receives freely from another. Sadly, the narcissist has missed out on the meaning of their very lives, their life's purpose. Yes that narc had a purpose they were put on this earth for and it wasn't to be a predatory creep or a puppet for Satan. That covert narcissist was meant to accomplish good things to achieve positive results to be a force for good. The narcissist will never understand that we were all put on this earth for a purpose and that the ultimate goal is for a person to fulfill the purpose they were placed on this earth for. That is what brings joy and fulfillment, not chasing shadows and fake dreams that will never come true and were never meant to. Sadly, the narcissist will always believe that life is merely a game. The goal of their life is very simple: Win at all costs. Yes always come out ahead and be the winner. Yes, at all costs. Mostly to others, but sometimes even the narc will incur costs if it means they win. But the main cost that the narcopath never sees is the cost to themselves. The hidden cost that they are unaware of. What is that cost? It is the cost of squandering their own life, their own opportunity of being a genuine human being. They've squandered their own existence. They've wasted an opportunity. An opportunity that they can for the most part never get back again. So it becomes clear the narc is a dead end at best or a highway to hell if we stay on that road long enough. There is no “there” there. It was all an illusion. Happiness, joy, fulfillment are not to be found with a covert narcissist and never were. Yes the beginning of that relationship seemed perfect, but that was by design. We know how it ended and any so called benefit to the target was taken back and retrieved with interest by the narcopath. Yes, mental health means we see things clearly just as it would have been if a relationship with someone we were incompatible with ended on good terms. A relationship with someone who at least had respect and was serious about the relationship in the first place. That narc can go to a “not good place” or save themselves it is of no consequence to us. We no longer have a dog in the fight. We no longer have skin in the game. We have the right to go our own way. But the important thing is we were serious, we did care, we did love. We were committers. We made ourselves vulnerable. We did have skin in the game. We did have a dog in the fight. We were all in. But that was in the past. We are off the hook and that is a very good thing. Things that were beyond our imagination that are far superior to the narcopath in every way have been shown us. We are free. We are no longer bound. That is a 100% certainty if we never married that narc. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.