The Covert Narcissist is Nothing and No One: Deconstructing the Narc's False Narrative Before we even begin, let's be clear about who this message is intended for. This message is solely for a survivor of covert narcissist abuse that is still having problems eliminating that creep from their minds. No, this message isn't an attempt at insulting a covert narcopath or somehow getting them to see the error of their ways, “see the light”. That would be a waste of precious time and resources. An informed person doesn't waste their efforts on trying to talk sense to an unteachable disrespectful narcopath who thinks things are just fine the way they are. The point of the video is to clarify the actual significance of that covert narcissist in the target's mind. Yes that covert narcissist had a major impact on our lives simply because they were an abuser and a perpetrator. After enough time and study the enlightened target understands all of those things. But many a target still has a “sweet spot” for the narc and still holds out hope that this was all just a bad misunderstanding and that eventually this nightmare will end. Yes that narc will return and be truthful and prove that they actually loved you and cared. OK then, they weren't a covert narcissist. You were mistaken. Time tells us the reality of what that narc's true intentions were. So after a good amount of time giving that ex a chance to prove themselves, to be and actual human being, and no evidence of it whatsoever, it becomes time to eliminate that covert narc fully from our thoughts, to neutralize their influence on our daily lives. Yes the anger, bitterness, and resentment need to be gone and that process is a long and difficult one in and of itself. But that target also has to clearly put that narcopath in perspective and see them for their true insignificance. With or without knowing it the target sees that narcopath as important, having stature, having “gravitas”. One reason for this is that the target conflates the negative impact of the abuse with the so called good times, then makes the mistake of seeing that covert narcissist as having also had a certain degree of positive impact along with the incredible negativity. Yes the push-pull, the trauma bond effectively ties us to the narcopath and in a sense gets us addicted to their approval. So those crumbs that narc threw us appeared to us as precious jewels during the relationship and the target continues to view those platitudes with fondness after the narc has departed. No, they were simply crumbs, nothing more. It was all by the narc's design to make those crumbs appear as jewels, but we are now thinking clearly and rationally again and we see things for what they actually were. So the narc gives us an image of them being irreplaceable. That is pure nonsense. In fact that covert narcissist is easily replaceable and when you look at these creeps apart from their great ability to destroy people's lives and lie like there is no tomorrow, you see a very small human being devoid of any real substance. It is only our love for them that binds us and makes them important and part of that love means we don't see these creeps for what they really are. The target needs to correct this faulty thinking if they are ever to fully heal. Yes the narc can be charming and impress people with those incredible lies that they tell so easily, to say nothing of the phony flattery. But the narc will have a hard time pointing to any verifiable positive accomplishments that weren't simply public gestures. Yes when working with public charities there actually have to be some genuine acts of contribution, but the narc will give that charity and make sure they capitalize on every ounce of it. The billboard or public persona of a narcopath is their most cherished possession. It matters more to them than their own partners. In addition there is no doubt that the narc also has personality, but they are devoid of the more important quality of character. So onto trying to find a solution to the target's problem and furthering that goal of neutralizing all influence of a narcopath on their lives. It might appear to an outsider that using pejoratives to describe a former partner and labeling them a covert narcissist is simply a jilted lover disparaging what they can no longer have. Sour grapes so to speak. But let's be clear, there is genuine disappointment, incredible shock and even horror when a person first discovers they have been lied to in every way imaginable 24 7 by a person who pretended to be there for them, pretended to care, pretended to love. For years or even decades. There is no easy way to reconcile your previous vision of reality while with a covert narcissist and the actual situation, the actual dynamic that was occurring which we now clearly comprehend. There is no easy way to cope with the harsh reality that a good portion of your life was based on a lie, a purposeful con job perpetrated on us by a person who was the incarnation, the epitome, the full manifestation of a lie in human flesh known as a covert narcissist. Yes the reality of what that narc did is incredible and even unbelievable to some people, but what does it matter what others believe. It happened. It was real. It happened to us. Yes, no matter how bizarre and nonsensical it is, covert narcissism is real. It happened right under our very noses and buried itself into our hearts and minds and psyches and even though we knew something was terribly wrong we never suspected how pervasive and extensive the narc's mental illness was, how deep the dysfunction in our partner ran. Yes we were also dysfunctional, but that can be forgiven. Had we have known the fraud being perpetrated upon us early on, had we been convinced without a doubt that our partner was playing a game and never loved us we would have tested and confirmed our hypothesis and set up boundaries to protect ourselves. But as it stood we chalked it all up to the narc being a good person who genuinely loved and just needed our understanding and patience. In retrospect it is clear that target was wrong, but was it really wrong to care enough about someone to love them and to hold on even in the face of adversity? No that wasn't wrong but when most of that adversity originates from the partner we genuinely love and not external circumstances beyond anyone's control, that holding on actually becomes a source of dysfunction for the target. Yes that narcopath gradually ramps things up and has a never ending supply of issues that need attention and then on top of all of that moves the goalposts. That narc is very careful and gives brief moments of respite in this push and pull manipulation. Yes the narc understands the need to every now and then throw a few crumbs of kindness and seeming love the way of the target to keep them hooked between the periods of abuse. Some call this a trauma bond. The end result is a targeted partner who becomes increasingly addicted to the narco paths approval. So the target loses all sense of reality and is placed into a death spiral. A never-ending cascade of unresolved issues of increasing complexity, quantity and duration eventually results in the target losing all sense of reality. So the abuse continues and the target simply accepts it all in the end because they have been conditioned to accept it. But all of this hinges on the false narrative that the narc actually loves and is committed to the partner. But of course we now understand fully that the reality of the situation is very different. Yes a sick creep who doesn't love or care and never did was simply playing a game, but it wasn't only for their own personal amusement and satisfaction, although that did play a role. That game was also played out of necessity, for the narc's literal survival. Never forget that the covert narcissist is themselves an addict feeding on the genuine love they elicit. Yes it is a game being played, and act being put on by the narc, but it's also important to note that narc has transformed themselves into a parasite that can no longer exist without a host, without a victim. So in the end the narcopath is a predator out of necessity. But isn't it curious that the victim is totally blind to it all? Yes the recurring analogy of the spider web, being enticed then trapped in a web, slowly encased in silk and drugged into believing that we are somewhere in paradise. In reality a predator has immobilized us and is draining us of our life force at will. So that is the reality of the situation. The target was chosen and victimized by a loveless, heartless, narcissistic creep so close to being a psychopath that there is hardly a real distinction if you look at the warped internal workings of their mind. That narc never cared one iota for the person they pretended to commit to. Yes that narc promised heaven and earth and in the end only ever delivered pure hell. So how could the victim be blind to it all? Well that is because the narc created a perfect false image of themselves in the beginning phases of the relationship that we never stopped believing in. The ideal partner that seemingly understood us in a way that no one ever did. A person who seemingly admired us and was appreciative of all that we stood for and did. That narc repeated again and again how certain they were that we were the one they had been searching for all of their lives. Yes that narc had issues, but they convinced us that we were the first people they had ever met that actually made them feel “right” and valuable. Yes that narc pronounced we had healed them and that gave us a deep sense of meaning and satisfaction. Wasn't that what true love was all about? Having a relationship that could allow both partners to heal and prosper? Yes, but sadly this was all a farce, a game. Some of us had purposefully delayed entering into another relationship because we had been waiting for the ideal situation and this appeared to be it. So we took the bait. The rest is history. Remembering the fact that we were victimized and lied to means that the bitterness and resentment and need for vengeance still crop up on occasion. Yes we absolutely have to eliminate all animosity, all toxic thought patterns if we are ever to find joy and peace again. In the early days of our recovery a painful memory triggered by nearly anything in our everyday lives rekindled our anger at the narc and they were once again in our minds. Then we thought of the incredible treachery and duplicity and the rage nearly burned up all of the peace we had worked so hard for and it seemed that all of our progress was lost. But we picked ourselves up from those setbacks and redoubled. Continually fighting and working on those toxic thoughts eventually made them dissipate and we learned to forgive. We forgave for our own peace of mind. We forgave because we refused to be a bitter human being for the rest of our lives. That narc stole many years of our lives but they wouldn't get another day. They wouldn't get another hour. No more of our lives would be wasted on the narcopath. At least that was the goal. Eliminating the toxic thoughts removed most of that narcopath from our consciousness, but we still had that image in our minds. That idealized image, the myth that narcopath created about themselves that made us believe in them, believe in their love, and have faith in them. But that narc we knew and loved was never a real person. That person we thought the narc was never existed and that fake persona was more real to us than it ever was to the narc. Yes the narc jettisoned that persona and moved on. They dyed their hair, changed that hair style, got a tattoo, moved to a new location, got another accent and a new lover and a new life. That narc fabricated a whole new back story and no one that now knew them was any the wiser. That sick creep even stole some of your positive attributes and beliefs and plagiarized them making them their own. But you are forgotten. That narc we knew and loved is gone and in actual fact never genuinely existed in the first place. That version of the narcopath is unlikely ever to return and yet we still have them in our minds and hearts. The narc themselves probably finds that quite amusing. But they have no intention of regressing to that persona again. Unless it is to their advantage. For the most part, it's all about change for the narc and that requires a new and a different persona, not revisiting an old one. The narc created that persona brick by brick as they studied us closely and the way to dissolve that image, that fake persona is to deconstruct that persona piece by piece, disassembling it and eventually seeing that persona for what it really was: as phony and valueless as a three Dollar bill. What about that idealized future you had, that ideal utopia where the narc was good and loved and you both finally achieved everything that had been worked for and promised? Well you are now in a position to customize that future to your own standards and likes and the great thing about that future is that you can actually realize it and make it happen. No narcissist necessary. No relationship needed at all. Yes there will hopefully be a genuine relationship at the end of the tunnel when we have healed and put that narcopath behind us. But for the moment we work on ourselves. We work on our own situation. We become someone of value that has something to offer. We refuse bitterness or to be a victim the rest of our lives. Yes we will have a bright future and that will be a future without a parasitic, ever-complaining naysayer that gets pleasure out of creating mayhem in our lives. Yes the bright future we have in our mind's eye is a future that will be realized alone, or with someone else. Never that narcopath. But that requires work and the work needed is to break down that narco paths fake persona until it is demolished and seen for the phony facade that it always was. True and genuine love is out there, but it will never be found with a narcopath. So now we need to be blunt and say it like it is: The narcopath is a nothing and a no one. Not sour grapes, just a fact. Not a pejorative, just an assessment of that person with regard to their impact, the actual and genuine impact they had on our lives. Who are we to judge? We were there. We are qualified. We were in the trenches and witnessed all of the horrors first hand. Yes the narc may have been our heart's desire, even when we knew in our minds they were pure poison. But we have recovered and we have our senses back. We had a close call with that spider, but we were discarded by that creature before it finished us off and managed to salvage ourselves and rebuild that broken body of ours. The covert narcissist is a nothing and a no one, but they convinced us that they were something and someone. We believed, we had faith and that was our mistake. Yes, when we finally wake up and understand and see clearly we observe the actual being behind that mask, and it's astonishing how insignificant that person really was. How mediocre in every way. Yes there were glimmers of greatness and perhaps if that narc had made different choices in their lives they could have been something. They could have been someone. They could have been a contender. But they weren't and they aren't. They may have actually been great and achieved. But they are a lowlife narcopath and their accomplishments over the decades of their lives speak for themselves. Oh yes the narc worked competently and even had many good qualities, but they were never loyal and they never really cared. The worst of it all is their treachery, congenital pathological lying and the philandering that hardly ever restrained itself. Sorry to say it's disgusting for a man to engage in infidelity but there is something that really turns the stomach when it's a woman that gives herself away. The insignificance of that covert narcissist is clear when we realize that everything we cared about in that person was a lie, an embellishment that bore very little resemblance to that narc's actual core beliefs and motivations. Yes the narc seemed selfless, devoted, a person who loved and had been hurt, and needed our genuine love to restore them, but the reality is they never loved or cared about love and they always manipulated. When we begin to see that just about everything about that narc that we admired was fabricated and that they are really such small petty fake human beings, we begin to realize it’s not even worth being upset with people of such insignificance. Yes they got us. They faked us out, but does that make them clever or significant? No. The real measure of a man or woman is character and in that category the narc not only falls short, they are an exceptional failure. Only the devil rewards liars, thieves and charlatans. In this world that is. The next world will be a different story for the narc if they don't have a genuine conversion and give their lives to Jesus. But make no mistake, even the devil has no respect for the narc. The narc is simply his puppet to do with as he pleases. No we shouldn’t allow insignificant people to have a huge impact on our lives. But first we have to see these charlatans for what they are. We need to acknowledge the reality of that creature behind the mask and let go of our own ridiculous belief that the fake persona was ever real, that the person we thought was something ever existed at all. But the narc you encountered had spent decades in a previous relationship. Doesn't that count for something? Well the devil is in the details and the reality of why that narc stayed had nothing at all to do with loyalty or love. But that previous relationship sure served its purpose to give the impression of a devoted partner who was loyal. There was much more to the story. Much more. But how was a target to know. In the beginning two plus two equaled four, or so you thought. Yes, everything fell into place and added up in the first few years of the relationship but we weren't really looking at the actual numbers and that is why things began to fall apart. In the end nothing added up or reconciled or made any sense at all. Yes the narc cooked the books, the books of your life, the books of your very future together and eventually that fraud was found out and it became clear the fraud was being perpetrated from day one. Yes in reality there was never really anything at all behind those numbers. They were fabricated out of thin air. It looked good on paper, but the whole point was for the narc to make sure you never verified. That was our mistake. Yes our mistake was to place faith and belief in a person who never merited it. Our mistake was assigning way too much importance on a person who was literally nothing but a bag of wind. We put way too much weight on and took that narc far too seriously. That narc was more than pleased to witness and absorb and solicit even more of our naive admiration for them and that made them think us a fool that deserved every deception they inflicted upon us. Yes that narc got supreme pleasure out of making us believe their lies. Notice never is any mention made of love. No that narc was motivated by pure malevolence and the pleasure of perpetrating a fraud on another human being. Yes the target made a huge mistake placing importance on that narco paths words, taking them seriously, respecting them. The target actually thought that narc had character, a moral compass, substance. Sorry, but no it was us projecting our own hopes for who they were upon them. There was no “there” there. Yes the discarded victim knows this for sure. They witnessed it. They saw. They know that it was all a lie first hand.

Yes the target made many mistakes. Mistakes of judgment. Mistakes of not being vigilant. Mistakes of not being discerning enough to get into the weeds and try to sort out all of the inconsistent narratives the narc was coming up with. Yes the narc was a liar. We knew that. But we should have realized that if they were lying in the small things they may have been lying in the more important things as well. Of course we now know that the narc was indeed lying in the important things and doing that on such a huge scale that it would have been unimaginable. The narc's lack of empathy was also apparent, eventually. The narc's disloyalty was also showing up here and there. But our mistake was never putting together the pieces and having a frank conversation. Yes the target made many mistakes, but they are forgivable mistakes. Yes the target erred on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt and in the covert narcissist's case that was like giving them a loaded gun. They used that weapon against us, didn't they? But love is meant to be blind and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt, so we can certainly forgive ourselves for having felt that way about another human being that we loved.
That situation is hopefully behind us and at present we need to concentrate on our recovery. That takes us back to the factuality that to fully heal we need that covert narcissist out of our head. We may be in the middle of repairing the damage that narc did and the adversity that is befalling us is directly connected to that narc's actions, so in that case we can't simply forget. But we can use that adversity to turn the narc's evil into good in our lives. It goes without saying that the toxic anger and bitterness that may well be justified also has to be eliminated if we are ever to achieve the goal of total erasure of the narcissist. That erasure is for our everyday thoughts, not our memories of the past. Those present intrusions of the narc on our peace are all about still not being able to fully believe it all. We still can’t fully comprehend the deception or the ruse. We still can’t believe that narc wasn’t who they said they were, and we still can’t get over the disappointment of the person having let us down to that extent. Because of this we still attach importance to that narc and it saddens us to diminish that narcissist. We really don't want that narc to be insignificant, we want them to be the person we saw in our mind's eye, we want that phony persona to be genuine. As for the resentment and need for vengeance, once we see that narc for the small insignificant person that they are we realize that they aren't worth our bitterness or resentment. No that narc took enough of our lives away and we will no longer allow them to ruin what is left. The narc isn’t worth taking the joy out of our life or being an impediment to our own contentment. So we erase them from our daily thoughts. Remember, those of us who never married the narc and share no children with them have no obligations to these people whatsoever. Yes we made promises to and plans with that narcissist as well and we backed up those promises with sincere intentions and actions. But the behavior of the covert narcissist absolved us of all obligations to them. In contrast, the covert narcissist has all of the obligation in the world to the target, being that they caused so much pain, suffering and destruction. But the target doesn't even want them to fulfill those obligations anymore. In fact the covert narcissist can't fulfill those obligations anymore, but that doesn't mean they no longer owe payment. That payment can now only be made by Jesus with the narc's full genuine repentance. Yes the target does eventually move on and any opportunity to make things right is no longer available to the narcopath. Yes even expecting the narc to pay isn't worth the effort for the target since it means keeping the narc in their active thoughts. That narc wasted enough of our time, they were a nothing and a no one who made us believe they were a something and a someone. Our vision of who they were and what they meant to us was never real and that happy future we were working for was never meant to happen. That future was simply a farce that the narc kept perpetuating, otherwise known as future faking.

So in conclusion, we need to see that covert narcissist for what they were in reality. We need to discern the actual positive impact they had on our lives. When we focus on that and that alone we see that there was never any “there” there. Yes it was much ado about nothing and whatever we thought of that narc was based on a fantasy, on a lie, on a ruse. We have lost nothing with the departure of that covert narcissist and if we work hard we will gain back ourselves, get back our lives. What we are doing by understanding the true nature and value of that narcopath in our lives is just the opposite of denial. We are actually seeing the truth clearly, uncovering what was actually going on. Most people don't want to live alone and because of that they are willing to put up with a partner's idiosyncrasies. But the covert narcissist took that tolerance to its limit and then used it as a license to abuse and use another human being. That is unacceptable, and the freed target should be very grateful at having another chance to do a relationship right. That target will never accept lies and inconsistent statements again. That target will see right through the gaslighting and simply remove duplicitous people from their lives. A relationship is a choice unlike having to deal with relatives, and that target will choose wisely or be happy alone. Are there covert narcissist that are something and someone? Absolutely. There are the ones that are self-aware and actually try to help others avoid being harmed by members of their kind. The rest of these creeps who continue to effectuate mayhem upon one victim after another don’t deserve an ounce of respect, neither do they deserve any sympathy. That extends, of course, to the very narcissist that victimized us and made us aware of something we would have preferred to never know about. We would have been quite fine never knowing about the existence of covert narcissism. That narc was devoid of everything required to build a satisfying, edifying, uplifting, healthy relationship that adds to our existence and allows us to become more than we could have ever been on our own. Yes, love is real, it exists and when the right partner is found it creates magic. But the narc will never have anything at all to offer towards seeing the reality or power of love in our lives. The narc is devoid of the very building blocks of a genuine relationship. They have no love, they have no empathy, they have no truth, they have no loyalty, they have no appreciation for us, they have no respect, they don't care and never will. Yes those crumbs of positivity they threw to us were like pearls to us and our actual pearls of genuine love were trampled under the narco paths feet. Pearls to the swine. We don't need that in our lives. We want a quality person who has the ability to love us and appreciate us for who we are. We want someone who is uplifting and supportive. We want someone who doesn't conjure up one dramatic event after another in unending succession. We want peace and stability and someone we can count on to be an actual partner. We were unlucky that the narc came into our lives, but we now have the ability to change our luck and avoid another relationship tragedy. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you End Comments: Remember that fully healing from the abuse of a covert narcissist requires us to divorce ourselves from these people to as great an extent as possible. We divorce ourselves from the anger and the bitterness and the need for wanting to see them pay. We divorce ourselves from the emotional impact that the memories of all of that abuse invokes. We simply refuse that past abuse to have any power over us at all.

We also divorce ourselves from those so called golden periods and see them for the fraudulent manipulation that they were. We see everything associated with the narcissist as phony and fake and no longer worthy of being emotionally engaged with.
We look at that narcopath and every second we ever spent with them with detached amusement. Yes it happened to us but those events have been drained of any meaning or consequence in our lives. In a way it’s sad to neutralize whole years and decades of our lives but it is necessary, since it clears the path for us to form meaningful attachments and meaningful experiences with genuine partners in our present and future. It allows us to have potential contentment and actual genuine memories and experiences that we can look back on with fondness. Yes things can get back to normal again and we can look back at past events in our lives just as we did before the narcopath ever entered our lives. Previously, we looked at our whole lives as a learning experience and cherished each and every one of those past moments, good and bad, as key events in our lives that taught us important lessons. But that attitude was used against us when a person with insincere intentions decided to play a game and use every good thing that we had in our lives against us. Someone who purposefully capitalized on our kindness and genuine love. No, that chapter of our lives doesn't qualify as a learning experience to be looked back at with fondness. That time with the narc was simply a mistake that did us very little good, a waste of our time. So we acknowledge the narc and their presence, we don't deny, but we drain that time of our lives of any significance. We cut our losses and move on. The narc couldn’t be happier than for us to dwell on the abuse and the fraud that they perpetrated on us. It makes them feel significant and important. The narc can't help but admiring their own “handiwork” in someone else's life. We will deny that to these creeps, neutralize their significance. Instead we move on and stay alone or surround ourselves with quality people. Replacing the narc is easy. Removing the damage and toxicity is the part that is hard and prevents recovery as well as clouds our judgment and makes that narc far more important than they have any right to be.