It's Not “OK” To Be a Covert Narcissist It is always important to note that these videos being made are not being made by a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. They are not the advice of a professional. They are opinion, the opinion of someone who closely observed one individual. Yes it is quite normal for us to have deep interest in someone that we love and have committed the rest of our lives to. We want a stable, peaceful relationship and one that we can rely upon. To do that we need to try and understand our partner's needs. That takes work. Part of that work is getting to know our partner as well as possible. Yes, when we get onto the subject of discussing if it's “OK” to be a covert narcissist we are potentially stepping into a mine field. That seemingly simple question has to be answered taking into account many different facts, opinions, and points of view. It has to take into account genetics and environment, “nature versus nurture”. It has to brush up against the current mindset of victim mentality and broach upon the subject of personal responsibility. So in the end anything said on this subject has to be taken as opinion. Take it as that. So, is it “OK” to be a covert narcissist? The short answer is: No, it's not “OK”. But that was obvious. The real meaning of the question is this: Is covert narcissism an acceptable “lifestyle choice”? The rest of this video is an attempt to clearly explain and describe why it isn't , why it's not “OK” to be a covert narcissist. The average person in this world lucky enough to live in a free society simply wants the freedom to pursue their own happiness. We all have plans of making a living, meeting a partner and raising a family. We want to live in a peaceful environment in our home, with our neighbors, and be an asset to our community, our nation, and if possible even the world. We want to be as good a person as we can be. Our selfishness, our dysfunctional attitudes, our basically imperfect nature prevents us from fully realizing those goals. But most of us do the best that we can. We don't actively pursue another person's destruction and we don't actively seek to abuse or use other people. The average person inherently understands the need to be an asset to society and to the people that surround us. The average person fully sees their own imperfections and does the best they can to overcome those flaws. Yes the average person wants to live and let live. The average person doesn't think the world of themselves, but they are comfortable with themselves and over time they hopefully mature and get closer to the ideals they envision for the type of person they think they should be. Very few people were born into ideal conditions. Very few people were given genetically perfect minds and bodies, or pre-existing supreme emotional stability. Most of us make due with what we have and make the best of things. Life is a series of challenges and we may fail time and time again. The important thing isn't if we succeed or fail as much as how we react to that success or failure. It's all about our attitude. Life will teach us what it requires of us and change that attitude to a more functional one, a more mature one. Yes the average person either learns from life and matures or fights everything and eventually gets it all their way and never matures, never learns. It's a matter of a person becoming more or less dysfunctional over time. We see the results of dysfunction all around us, but make no mistake there is just as much hidden dysfunction that can't be seen. The wealthy and successful might exude confidence and success, but a sizeable minority of these people are empty suits, empty shells that simply were in a position to game the system to their advantage. It's an actual fact that for many of these posers it's not what you know, it is who you know. Yes, a shrewd person can weasel their way into getting the upper hand and in doing so place themselves into a position where easy money can be made. Those people sell their soul to the almighty Dollar and have an addiction to power and the authority given them by political positions that exist in both corporate and public bureaucracies. Yes a good example of this is career politicians of the lowest morality who make a living out of being in the ruling class. They maintain their power by being backed by “The Machine”. The back room deals, lobbying, and rampant nepotism makes these greasy politicians mere puppets of the unelected elites and organizations who call most of the shots. Go to skid row or the poorest section of any city and you'll be able to find a good number of the homeless and impoverished that are far superior to these creeps that have a veneer of success. Yes those that are not doing so well may or may not be to blame for their circumstances, but no human ever has the right to judge or simply place these people in the category of the dysfunctional who “did it to themselves”. The real point to be made is that people of high public standing who seem obviously successful shouldn't necessarily be held out as examples of people who had their head screwed on straight and made all of the right moves. Yes these people may have more dysfunction than the average person could ever imagine. But all of the above examples are the outliers and serve as a cautionary tale to people who observe a person's appearance and make a judgment as to who and what they are dealing with. Yes the vast majority of those who appear successful have attained that success by hard work, delaying gratification, and having gotten their own dysfunctional bad habits under control. The vast majority of the worst off in society may well have been born with all of the cards stacked against them, but uncontrolled dysfunction and a lack of willingness to put an effort in certainly didn't help their own situation. Yes the successful and wealthy had better never forget the luck and good fortune that got them where they are. The minute the wealthy see their success as solely due to their own efforts, they are sunk. Pride cometh before the fall. Those people of sound mind and body that had many bad breaks in life have every right to always see those terrible situations they were placed in through no fault of their own as unfair. But there is personal responsibility and blaming everything on your past is no excuse for present day laziness, irresponsibility, lack of self discipline, lack of self control and profligate behavior that hinges on being angry at the world. What about racial inequality? For that matter, what about the exploitation of poorer nations by stronger ones which creates inequality? Yes, all of those things exist and those subjects are very complex. The broad generalizations above are meant to apply to this discussion on covert narcissism. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes we have described the average people in this world, the genuine people both rich and poor. The reason people make snap judgments on another human being they don't know is that more times than not what you see in both appearance and demeanor is what you get. That ability to accurately assess another human being is affirmed or refuted for most people when they become acquainted with that person that they initially judged. The wise person learns to withhold judgment. But over time, once we get to know someone, we should be able to have some confidence in our ability to understand who that person is and what they stand for. Yes one of the critical aspects of entering a relationship is accurately assessing the person we intend to share our lives with. In the end all that we have is our own ability to judge the person we are now going to make an integral part of our lives. The very fact that the narcopath focuses solely on gaining our confidence and subverting our judgment of them shows without a doubt the wanton nature of their depraved indifference to the people they prey upon. So it begins to become clear why this discussion of human nature and the way people judge others relates to covert narcissism. Yes the above discussion of the different types of people becomes very important. We have just made an attempt to break down every one of the narc's various phony, contradictory, self opposing fake personas to their individual building blocks. Yes the narc literally fabricates their phony personas based on every person they have ever met, every movie or TV show they have ever watched, and every experience they themselves have ever had. Yes, in many ways what has just been described above is crucial in understanding the narcopath. Yes, the narc games the system by literally turning the serious matter of human existence into a game. The narc constructs one phony persona after another out of whole cloth and the key to creating these false personas and making them convincing is closely studying the “genuine articles” the genuine and sincere people who surround them. In a very real sense any given persona of a narcopath is an amalgam of stolen, counterfeited, and plagiarized personalities of the real people they have studied in the past. So yes, the narcopaths have a keen interest in studying people in all walks of life. The wealthy and successful that did achieve their wealth through genuine efforts and those wealthy who posed and weaseled their way to prominence. The poor and disadvantaged that were shining stars who did everything right but life simply never gave them a chance. The poor and unsuccessful that made bad choices. Yes the narc intimately gets to know all of these people. The anti gun activists and the pro gun activists. The people in charge and the people that are oppressed. Depending on who surrounds them, the narc will tow the line with all of the correct talking points. Yes the narc studies every spectrum of the human experience as an outsider and simply puts on whatever false act is required to fit the circumstances and deceive the current group of people in their own environment. So the narc will play the role of the person who worked hard and lost it all due to “other people” or the narc will be an”up and coming...” fill in the blank. The narc will “confide” in their partners or even their coworkers, presenting one childhood scenario after another where their own success was snatched by unfair parents, or family members or evil outsiders. Yes the narc comes from wealth in one scenario then changes strategies and comes from a situation of childhood neglect and poverty in yet another setting. As bizarre as it sounds the narc could literally juggle two disparate and contradictory fake personas at the same time depending on who they are with. Yes we are describing insanity, but more importantly underlining the sad and very sick fact that the covert narcissist doesn't have an honest bone in their body. The covert narc is full of deception, duplicity, treachery. Their intentions are evil through and through. But what about those public charities? What about them? It's all about symbolism and appearance for the narc. It's all about who that narc knows and the importance of that narc's involvement and contributions. Sure the narc cares, but somehow their charity never extends into their personal life, is never felt by their partners. Isn't that curious. Those colored bracelets and being part of a current fad or important cause give that narc the high visibility they so crave. The appearance of caring and being concerned are the hallmarks of the narc's hypocrisy. Yes that ex narc of mine now has a tattoo showing how much they “cared”. I have no doubt more have followed since then. Yes let an older person pretend they are trendy and a part of a younger generation and hip and you have in front of you a very sorry sight. We aren't talking about an older person who has a youthful attitude or dresses youthfully, we are talking about someone who wants to be a part of a generation they have nothing in common with. A narc in decline, the aging narc, becomes more and more a parody of themselves and their foolish fake posturing becomes more and more obvious. The narc doesn't even have enough integrity or integration to be able to act their age, except when”acting their age” is a part of one of their phony personas. My personal experience with a covert narcissist was quite remarkable. I truly believed we had much in common in the sense that we were both students of human nature. That narc highlighted the differences between people who cared, as a parent, at the job, or in a relationship, very precisely and accurately. Yes the narc knew the difference in behaviors between a person who was selfless and gave of themselves and a person who was selfish. So the assumption on my end was that the narc cared, had a heart, did love. But that was incorrect. The narc studies human nature not for selfless, but for selfish reasons. The narc studies people because they are always looking to “up their game”. The more the narc knows about people the better they can fake it. The narc is always looking for material that can be used in that next phony persona and key to this is having a very clear and comprehensive understanding of what concern for people in public and private settings and diligence and dedication at the workplace resemble. Yes if you boil a narc's con down to it's essence you could say the narc specializes in convincing people that they care, that they love, that they are loyal, that they are dedicated. In the beginning that narc expends a great deal of energy to make sure that a target or employer is convinced. At the end of a relationship or job, especially when a new partner or job is waiting in the wings, the narc no longer puts the effort in and as a result even the pretense of caring no longer convinces anyone. But that is by the narc's design, since it makes their departure from the relationship or the job all the easier. Yes the narc will be a bit more careful with their job departure, since a resume and references are needed. But once a relationship has lost it's value to the narc it is irrelevant to them what the target thinks or how they feel and in fact that narc will actually savor the opportunity to silently inflict emotional torture and pain on the target. Yes, in the initial stages of the discard, when the narc hasn't fully decided on the next target and is still weighing the pros and cons of leaving the existing target, the words of being committed to the relationship are still there. But the callous indifference begins showing itself clearly in the tone of voice and actions of that narcopath. Once a new target is acquired and a plan of action set into place by the narc there is no longer any pretense whatsoever of caring and the abuse coming the target's way will be inflicted with no mercy. The narc isn't worried about exposure of what they did in that relationship because it will be the narc's word against the target's. In the narc's mind they fully expect to be the arbiter of that narrative. Yes the narc has experience in dictating the narrative of what did and didn't happen in a relationship since they have been through the cycle of mirroring, idealization, devaluation, and discard so many times before. But the narc loved their animals, didn't they? Maybe. Maybe not. My opinion is that the narc doesn't really care about animals, but they sure do want to appear as being public advocates. Pets are fine, as long as they serve the narc's purposes. Of course it appeals to the narc to “own” another living creature. Make no mistake, the narc's falsehood and lack of genuine involvement extends to every aspect of their lives and every narrative they ever tried to convince people of. No the narc was never a devoted spouse. No the narc was never a victim of an abusive spouse. No that narc was never severely abused as a child. No the narc was never a contender for greatness, if it weren't for the abuse they received. No the narc was never loyal. No the narc never loved. No the narc doesn't care about the homeless, or the victims of crimes whose stories end up entering the national and global consciousness. But covert narcissists feed off of the public awareness and just have to be a part of it. The narc wants public acclaim for caring and doing, but it's really all about appearing to be a Social Justice Warrior at the bare minimum outlay of actual effort. That narc is in it for themselves. Period. It makes no difference if it is in a public setting, a work environment, or a home setting, the narc makes people believe in them and then proceeds to drain every ounce of energy out of the situation they have fabricated and deceived people into believing was real. Yes, the average person is correct in making tentative judgments based on appearance and demeanor. For the most part this serves well. But not with the covert narcissist. More importantly, the narc's deception is not only one of appearance, it's also one of demeanor. Dig deep into a narc's phony persona and get to know them and even the most intelligent person could be deceived into believing they are dealing with the genuine article. Yes, the crafty narc has studied each and every spectrum of human existence and has adeptly aggregated, fabricated, and melded together a convincing argument for a genuine human being. But the narc is in full control of the narrative in their own warped mind and therefore in control of life as they experience it. Yes it's clear the narc doesn't have an honest or genuine bone in their body. No genuine love. No genuine concern. No genuine loyalty. All fake. Because of this the people that give the narc their confidence place themselves at a high risk. Yes it would be bad enough if the narc simply put on an act, deceived, took their fill of other people's good will and intentions and then left with a reasonable excuse. Yes if the narc stopped there, we might feel sorry for them and even say we should leave these poor sick people alone. We could hope for a cure. But the narc needs full payback for the effort and energy they put into that false persona. So, to get a full return on that investment, the narc has to go the extra mile and use all of that good will they received from others, all of the love, all of the compassion and use all of those kindnesses against the very people who gifted the narc with them. Yes a dramatic ending in which the narc shocks by revealing themselves to be a totally different person than they presented themselves as being pulls the rug right out from under a target and the narc receives incredible energy and pleasure out of the breakdown in self confidence this creates in the target. Gaslighting may be irresistible to a narcopath, but pulling the veil off of a phony persona, removing the mask so to speak, and watching the horror and disbelief of the target is the narc's purest and most sought after source of energy. It's the dramatic ending and the radical sudden and unexpected shift of a relationship paradigm as well as a total rewriting of history that makes covert narcissists deserving of the term walking, breathing sacks of filth. The feeling of omnipotence over another human being this produces gives the narc the ultimate fix. But the victim is left damaged beyond belief. That's tough luck as far as the narc is concerned. The narc has moved on. They already have a new partner. Yes it is the way that narc savors cruelly toying with people's emotions that makes their behavior and their choice of lifestyle unacceptable. Yes the narc gets it over on people then gets sick pleasure out of showing those people that the world they thought they lived in, the future they anticipated and put all of their efforts into was all fake. This has the effect of literally smashing the target's life into a thousand pieces. So no, dysfunction isn't always obvious or visible and people who do try to do the right thing aren't always seen as icons of success. The main thing is not a person's appearance, or abilities, or position in life. The main thing is their attitude and how that person responded to the challenges of life. Where did that person start? What tools or gifts did that person begin with and what did they do with those assets they were given? Yes it all goes back to nature and nurture. The innherrant qualities we were born with like looks and intelligence and the environment we grew up in that was primarily dictated to us by our parents, or lack of parents. Yes eventually the person has to take responsibility for their own lives and at some point there is an “age of accountability”. No we aren't programmed robots, we are human beings who have the ability and authority to plot the course of our lives. In fact it is the responsibility of a person who is of sound mind and body to make correct choices or face the consequences. No excuses. But people don't make right choices all of the time and sometimes make one mistake after another. Yes people can make the same mistake again and again. Addictions of all varieties fall under this category. There are many other ways that people make bad choices that are obviously wrong. Yes, violence, theft, greed, and every other vice that has adverse effects on other people can never be defended as lifestyle choices. Yes there are bad choices, addictions and dysfunction that hurt the person themselves and there is dysfunction that hurts others. We may pity and have compassion for those who harm themselves, but there is no sympathy or explaining away the behavior of those who harm and destroy other people. Yes saying someone isn't in their right mind might be an alibi for an isolated event, but when one incident after another harms other people again and again there is no longer any excuse for the perpetrator. That person should have gotten a grip on themselves long ago and they have no excuse. Yes life is an opportunity, a series of events, interactions with others, and challenges that require analysis and assessment. Much of the time that is self analysis and self assessment. The average person learns and endeavors to do better in the future. The average person tries not to do harm. The average person tries to be an asset, a positive force, a force for good. But the covert narcissist isn't an average person are they? Yes there will be the argument made that covert narcopaths were “born that way”. That they can't help themselves. That they are a victim themselves. That they had a poor upbringing. That they were born with a low capacity for empathy. That they were cruelly treated and abused as children. That they had overindulgent parents that never taught them to question themselves. That they were given no love and were never shown any examples of what love was. That they weren't taught any morality by their parents and in fact were even shown how to lie, cheat, and steal. Yes they had parents who saw nothing at all wrong with lying, cheating, stealing, and lascivious behavior. But let's look at this from a different viewpoint. Covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom. No person is born a covert narcissist. A diagnosis of covert narcissism isn't determined by a genetic test or a professional clinical assessment of the chemical makeup of the brain or precise measurements of a person's ability to feel empathy. Covert narcissism is diagnosed primarily on the behavior of a person. There are plenty of people who had impoverished childhoods and grew up in severely dysfunctional environments that made something of themselves or at least made an active decision to be a better person or a more functional person than their parents. Make no mistake, isolate a baby and give it no physical attention and that person may have no empathy for others at all as an adult, and you could argue that this isn't their fault. But that isn't the case for the vast majority of narcopaths. Those narcs know exactly what they are doing and they know that it is wrong. Those narcs know they are using and abusing other people and doing them harm and they don't care. There is no introspection, no self assessment, no looking back, no learning, no endeavoring to do better in the future. Only denial. The main focus of the narc is to avoid consequences. At all costs. The pain and suffering of others, the harm that the narc does to others never even enters the equation. There is zero personal responsibility. That covert narc may well have been born with a low capacity for empathy and a weak conscience. That can even be medically and psychologically assessed in children that are quite young. But the narc knew and understood that they were different from others. That narc, even if they had no feelings for others and no inclination to do the right thing and be harmless could have made the decision to be harmless and not commit their treachery anyway. Yes the narc could have decided to do what they knew was right even without the accompanying emotions. But they didn't choose to do that. Instead the narc victimized one person after another and ignored whatever guilt or conscience they were born with. In the end they created the monster that they became through years of wrong decisions. Years of dysfunction that primarily harmed others, not the covert narcissist themselves. Yes, you can argue an alcoholic has a disease and can't help themselves. But for someone who has alcoholics in the family that person isn't going to be playing with fire and somehow think to themselves: “for me it will be different”. Instead that person will acknowledge their own possible weakness and avoid overindulgence in alcohol or any drug for that matter. They simply will never use alcohol to try to make a problem go away. They will think about alcoholism and how people get into that pattern and avoid making those mistakes. Yes the narc may be an addict just like a drug addict or an alcoholic, or a gambler, but the narc's addiction is an unacceptable one. No, covert narcissism isn't a disease. It's a person who made poor use of the tools and gifts that life gave them and gave in to an addiction they were predilected for. A person who made one poor choice after another and never cared a whit that other people were harmed. All of the narc's focus was on escaping consequences, on themselves. A person who became increasingly more and more wicked, destructive, and harmful over time. No, covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom, a behavior that manifests itself in a constellation of bizarre motivations and contradictory behaviors and speech that are counter intuitive and nonsensical to the average person. But the pathology, the “disease” that causes those signs, that inherent lack of empathy combined with a poor upbringing, didn't have to create a covert narcissist. Those exact circumstances could have created a person who was aware of their own lack of empathy and decided to be a good person despite the motivations inside their own heart. A person who decided to be harmless and do the best they could with what they were given. No, public visible charitable contributions don't count. Being a human being to the people who you decided to trick into being your partner counts. Being loyal to your loved ones counts. No, cheating again and again with anyone who will have them isn't an addiction, its a sign of someone who simply doesn't care. A person who long ago abandoned their own humanity and lost whatever conscience and empathy they were born with. So NO, it isn't “OK” to be a covert narcissist. It isn't an acceptable “lifestyle choice” although it may well be an addiction. Yes corrupt politicians, crony capitalists, and even some criminals may have their fans. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But violent habitual offenders, serial killers, psychopaths, sociopaths, and covert narcissists are not people who should go about their lives doing as they please. They need to be stopped in their tracks, imprisoned, or in the case of the covert narcissist the public has to be made aware of these freaks and their ways need to be exposed. Let the narcopath find a different hobby. Destroying other people's lives and playing with their emotions is not harmless activity done by people who should be left alone. The narc thinks their atrocities are nothing at all, that the victim made too much of things, took things too seriously. Yes the narc denies, minimizes, and with enough time in the end even “forgets” all that they have done in the past. Yes the narc will convince themselves and anyone who will listen that they were the victim and will accuse the target of having committed much of what they actually perpetrated. In the narc's mind it is the target's own fault if they were damaged, if they believed in the narc, if they actually took the narc seriously. Yes covert narcissism doesn't exist according to the narcopath, or if it does the target was the narc. No that isn't how it works. The narc was an adult and they were very adamant and serious about their commitment to the target and the relationship and the future together. Even when continuously scrutinized. Yes they were a good liar, a deceiver, and in the end showed the target the true meaning of treachery. It will take another person, a very different one, to teach that target the true meaning of loyalty and commitment. A different person to show that target the true meaning, value and potential of genuine love. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Summary: So let’s be clear about what’s being said here: yes there is a disease process going on in the narcopath. That disease is an abnormally low capacity for empathy coupled with an upbringing that didn’t address that issue or a child that simply wouldn’t take direction and “won the battle”, “got it their way”. Yes the parents may have just been worn down with exhaustion, or were misguided progressive parents who unwittingly created an adult who saw no need for introspection or self analysis. Yes parenting is an art and a science and things usually turn out fine, but not when the child in front of you has that low capacity to empathize.

But none of that is even the main point. The main argument is that at some stage the narc became sentient and then later became accountable for their actions and words. The narc as a living breathing human being with a mental capacity to understand and comprehend right and wrong at some point CHOSE to do wrong, because it was the natural and easy way for them. Other people with the same exact disease or deficient ability to empathize CHOSE DIFFERENTLY. Yes there may have been outside influence from parents and others, but the narc never took direction from others, good or bad, anyway. Covert narcissism is a sign and a symptom; it is the manifestation and culmination of all of the narcopath’s previous wrong choices. The constellation of behavior patterns and speech called covert narcissism may be an addiction or a “trap” that the narc is stuck in. But the narc built every bar of that jail cell and then locked themselves in. That is sad for the covert narcissist, but they will receive no help. The covert narc will never acknowledge that anything is wrong with themselves at all.

Because covert narcissism is harmful and destructive to OTHERS and it is the result of the narc’s OWN DECISIONS and “lifestyle choice” it’s NOT OK to be a covert narcissist. We fight against these creeps by exposing them and educating the public in the hopes of sparing others the destruction that will surely visit them when they are conned into a relationship with a covert narcissist. Yes, information and knowledge will make it a little harder for the narc to victimize yet another target. End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. It may well be that the majority of targets weren't attracted to a person who disrespected and abused them. The target was attracted to a person who “admired and respected them” and had much of the same likes and dislikes as they did. Only after the target made that commitment did the abuse begin and that abuse was instituted very gradually. It was the narc's ploy and their excuse that they were hardened by a poor upbringing and that is what made the target give the narc “a free pass”. Yes, the hope was that if you gave the narc enough love and tolerance they would “see the light” and become the person we saw they had the potential to be. Sadly the narc's “story of abuse” was a tried and true excuse that worked like a charm many times before. It gave the narc free license to show callous disregard for their partner's feelings. The target made many mistakes in that relationship but putting up with being a doormat in perpetuity wasn't part of the target's plan and it certainly didn't keep the target in the relationship. Children did. Family commitments did. Financial dependence purposefully created by the narcopath did. In the absence of any of the above manipulations the narc did behave until they decided to move on to the next target. In the end it was love and commitment and loyalty to a person who we felt needed us and loved us that kept the target holding out hope. But we now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. There was no end game for the narc, there was no future, there was no goal in that abuse. Yes constructive criticism can be a foundation for a future healthy relationship. But that is never what it was with a narcopath. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. Edited End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. We now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated by the narc to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. So the hope is that the healed target does “give it another try” and chooses wisely. Their investment in that narc was a waste but there will be someone out there who can and will appreciate those efforts.