Work That the Victim Of Narcissist Abuse Needs To Do: There have been endless debates on how the victim is partly or in entirety responsible for their encounter with the narc . Some have taken this to the point of actually assigning partial or even the majority of the blame to the victim. Many of these people have good intentions. They are trying to wake up the victim and get them to see what was in their personalities that made them a prime target of the narc and that is a good thing. Where that line of reasoning takes a detour or goes off track is when that deficiency of the victim is used as a talking point to assign responsibility or blame. Now let's be clear there are a myriad of reasons that a relationship can end in a disaster and I am not making a universal statement that all victims are innocent when a relationship with a narc blows up. That would assume all victims are angelic and without flaws of their own. Those flaws, however are not our concern. We have to focus exclusively on the actual relationship dynamic that is unique to a narcissist and their target. Of course no person is perfect. We all lie at times, misrepresent ourselves, have fits of rage and anger, are selfish and maybe even try to deceive someone into thinking more of us than we actually are. None of that is the issue. The narc is the one who uses those imperfections that we all have and tries to use those imperfections in the target to prove that they were either exclusively innocent victims in the relationship or “mostly innocent”. Yes the imperfections we all have as humans are what the narcissist harps on and oftentimes convinces the victim of is the reason that the relationship ended or even ended badly. This is all just a ploy to redirect concentration from the truth, the truth of what the narc was really up to in the relationship. Lets be very clear about this: the fact that the victim is imperfect is totally beside the point. So let's go over what happens in a relationship between a narc and their victim. Let's focus on what is important. What is a relationship between two people? Well nowadays it can be almost anything from something called friends with benefits all the way up to what was once considered the norm, an actual committed lifetime relationship between two people where both partners have pledged to stay together for life despite any difficulties. I guess we are defining marriage with that ultimate relationship. We all are aware of how flimsy that marriage commitment has become in modern times. What are the components of that relationship? Well that relationship is expected and assumed to be a love relationship where there is a physical and psychological bond that is expected to last a lifetime. There should be exclusivity in the sense that no other person of the opposite sex should have anything but a superficial relationship with that committed partner. Intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional is only given to the partner, no one else. That relationship is assumed to be based on both partners being candid and truthful with each other and being that there is an earnest desire to live with that partner the rest of their lives , both partners need to give feedback as to what adjustments need to be made to the relationship. That includes gently making the partner aware of some individual personality traits that are making the relationship more difficult. Things one partner would appreciate the other partner working on. Over time the two partners should have come to an equilibrium and compromised what they individually wanted, sacrificing some of their ideals, needs and plans in order to forge a new vision that incorporates the plans of their significant other. Yes, compromise requires not having it all your way, it means concentrating on that vision of a partnership where neither partner has everything that they want, but both partners end up having a far better life than could have ever been lived individually. As a crowning achievement of an ideal relationship, the insight one partner has into the other results in the type of feedback that leads to each partner personally growing in ways that could have never been achieved alone. So now that we have described the ideal, lets start analyzing the role of the narc and the victim. Let's just go down the checklist and really compare. Did the narc ever love the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc have any commitment to the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc try to build a relationship based on mutual respect and compromise? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc presenting themselves honestly? No. Did the victim present themselves honestly? Yes. Did the narc give feedback in the spirit of love and in an earnest effort to help the target improve themselves? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc bonded to the target for a lifetime? No. Was the target? Yes. Did the narc feel any empathy for the target? No. Did the target feel empathy for the narc? Yes. Did the narc have honest, clearly described intentions in the relationship? No. Did the target? Yes. Was it the narc's goal to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the target? No. Did the target try to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the narc? Yes. We could go on and on, but here is a question that has to be answered. By what measure of what constitutes a committed relationship was the narcissist being truthful, serious and honest? If we are unbiased in our analysis we come up with the undeniable fact that the narc was a fraud and a phony through and through. So where did the victim go wrong? What is it that the victim has to change? Well lets think about things again by contrasting the narc to the victim. Here is the primary difference. The narc has gone through life harming one person after another and never once accepted responsibility for the damage they have done. The best the narc could ever do is just walk away from the mess they made and start fresh with someone new. But the narc rarely stops there. The narc usually has to demonize those that he decides are no longer useful. Is the narc's world view, how they relate to their environment and the people in that environment harmful or helpful to others? It is harmful. So the narc is hurting and damaging those around him or her and never seeing the need to change, primarily because the narc has no conscience and feelings of remorse to say nothing of the fact that they don't have any love or empathy so they can't even fully comprehend the pain that they cause others. Let's contrast this to the victim. Is it wrong to want to please others and make them happy? Is it harmful to others to want to please them? No. It may not be healthy to be in need of seeking the approval of others but is it harmful? It might not be healthy to put up with abusive behavior of a partner, but is it harmful to others? We now start to see the primary difference between the narc and the target. The target is definitely dysfunctional, but the target has empathy, the target has introspection and feels love and has a conscience and does feel remorse. The victim has tried hard to look inside themselves and try to figure out what it is they need to change to make things work out. So none of those traits of the target are bad in and of themselves and in a relationship with a partner that truly appreciates them that codependent or self love deficient individual could use all of those tools, those traits that are dysfunctional when a narc takes advantage of them, and use them to build a good solid relationship. The key is finding the right person. That is the fundamental flaw of the codependent. It isn't that the codependent has to make radical changes to their personality or thought process. Codependents are basically harmless people. Yes some will say codependents are also manipulative and maybe that is the case for some, but again we are getting off point. The primary thing that the target has to change is they have to understand narcissism and what it is inside of them that attracts narcissists to them and them to the narc. Once the insight is gained that the target needs to meet someone that isn't a narc and that narcissists are a dead end street, a roller coaster ride to hell, the target can look inside themselves and see that their need to please was excessive. The narc used that excessive need to please to manipulate. The target can also remember all of the times from their childhood where they were taught that others had the right to dictate to them. That others had the right to steal their happiness. Parents have every right to discipline their child, but some children need to be brought up with a gentler hand. The primary problem with codependents is that the parents never did their duty, never taught the codependent to be a sovereign independent human being who expected to be accepted for who they are. Never taught the target to have a level of self-esteem and self-confidence that would make life easier as an adult. Loving parents, well meaning parents may not have done this on purpose, but when that codependent went into the world they were ill prepared for the wolves (narcissists) that could spot them as easy prey. So all of those dysfunctional traits of the co-dependent were taken advantage of by the narc and that is why the victim felt somehow comfortable with the narc's boorish critical behavior. Yes the codependent was conditioned to be this way in their developing childhood. The people around the em path used guilt, remorse and all of those traits that are normally good and healthy and took them to the extreme in that child. Making the child grow up expecting and thinking it is normal to be put down by others, treated badly and manipulated. None of this is normal. and the narc made the target use that desire to please to it's maximum. The same can be said for understanding, tolerance, compassion, empathy, unconditional love. The extremes to which the narc took advantage of these traits of the codependent are what ended up draining the codependent of every ounce of their energy. So yes you could say that the codependent's dysfunction was what caused that drain of energy since the codependent allowed it. But again here is the fundamental difference. The codependent was truthful, honest, sincere and committed in wanting to build a lifetime relationship. The target loved. The target bonded to the narc. For a lifetime. The target only wanted to build up their partner. That is normal. That is good. That is what a relationship is all about. The narc did none of these things. The narc never cared. The narc never loved. The narc used and abused the target. The narc sought to tear down the target. That is not normal. So what work does the target need to do? Educate themselves about narcissists. Educate themselves about how the abuse a narc puts you through is NOT normal. Try to understand what it is inside yourself that attracts you to people who expect you to please them and somehow never give you the satisfaction of achieving that goal. Try to realize that you are a person that deserves to be respected and have a relationship that is lived with someone who accepts you for who you are, doesn't expect you to change and doesn't expect you to please them constantly and always has to have it their way. You deserve a relationship with someone that values you and has your best interests at heart and is committed to helping you with your own personal growth. Realize that a relationship shouldn't constantly have drama and that a relationship should actually stabilize you and make you think more clearly and make you more joyful than you would be without that partner. Your partner should be an asset and should be someone that you feel very fortunate to have met and bonded to. That feeling of contentment should grow with time. So what do you look out for in a partner? Well first and foremost does this person truly love you? There will be many signs that will show you that a narc doesn't love you. You need to pay particular attention to those clues and not minimize them. Any sign that a person is being cruel or calloused to you is another indicator that is only the tip of an iceberg. Have you caught your partner in some lies and have they then refused to admit to the lie? Do they double down instead? Has your partner shown obvious lack of conscience or remorse? Has your partner shown clear lack of empathy towards you? If you start noticing those things early in a relationship it is time to protect yourself and put up some boundaries. Leaving yourself vulnerable or loving a narcissist is the most dangerous type of relationship you could be in. There is no safety being in a relationship with a narc. So be cautious. Look for the signs before you let down your guard. You, the target can stay the way you are and not harm anyone. But that hinges on you identifying and avoiding narcissists. The narcissist on the other hand is the one whose behavior attitude and life purpose are all wrong and need to change. Of course the narc will never change or be forced to change, since their wicked behavior is usually within the bounds of the law. No it isn't a crime to break someone's heart or drive them emotionally over the edge, but let's be clear about this. The narcissist is a criminal and they have committed many crimes and those crimes may be far worse than that of an armed criminal. The criminal at least has no illusions as to having done a good thing. They at least know they are a criminal. The narc on the other hand truly believes themselves to be a fine upstanding member of the community. A wonderful partner. A paragon of virtue. Narcissists are hypocrites, like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. That is Matthew 23 27 paraphrased. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (that is Matthew 23 28). God sees what goes on inside the narcissist's heart, all of the motivations of all that they do. Yes, God saw what the narcissist did to you in high detail. Let God repay and go on with your life free of resentment. So yes, the narc and victim may both have a dysfunctional mindset that draws them to each other and in that sense there is an equivalence, but to take that equivalence and assign equal blame doesn't take into account that there is a clear perpetrator and a clear victim. That there are clear differences between the narc and the victim. The narc is the one that is evil, bad, misrepresents themselves and harms others. The narc is the one who is the criminal and needs to be taken to task. The victim needs to be aware of their deficits and needs to take steps to protect themselves and have higher expectations of their future prospective partners, higher expectations of what a relationship should be. The narc has been removed from your life. That was a blessing, even though you couldn't sometimes see it right after the discard. Some of you can't see that blessing right now and for you I can tell you things will get better. You need to work every day to educate yourself and use the destruction of your life to rebuild a new and better and more joyful existence. It can be done. Your future can be bright, if you work for it and you really want it to be. The narc's world will always be dark, and filled with turmoil. There is no hope, resolution, or peace for a narcissist. The narc was removed to make room for someone better, someone who can love you and appreciate you. You as the victim need to understand that, know what to look for, and never get involved with another narcissist again. Remove toxic people from your environment and allow yourself peace, joy and happiness. Allow yourself to thrive. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

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The Narcissist and their Grandiosity Complex: It is common knowledge that the narc is a hollow human being, There is always something just a “little off” in everything they do. Most people sense this, but they just can't put their finger on the problem. Yes, the narc seems generous when they walk through the streets of New York City handing out cash to the homeless, but somehow the sense of that spirit of generosity just isn't there, especially when the narc starts talking about their partner being a tightwad who would never want to give to or have any concerns about the homeless. When the narc wants to be a contributor to a cause, they always do so in a way that it seems they are doing that anonymously, but it is strange that they then billboard their t-shirt on the internet showing they are a supporter of a cause, or become a publicly listed supporter. No, it is just coincidence that the narc's giving is listed publicly. Yes that t-shirt photo selfie on her public page , that one gave other opportunities as well, it was bait to attract the next partner. Of course the narc wasn't looking at all, were they? They just happened to stumble upon their new soul mate totally by accident and of course looks don't matter. So what that they were still with their old partner telling him they loved him. No need to let on that he was being replaced until absolutely necessary. That counterfeit feeling extended to her real life personal relationships also. The loyalty that she constantly professed with her tongue just didn't manifest itself as she really never focused on her partner after the idealization phase was over. The love, well again the words were there and the actions, but there was just a hollow, counterfeit feel to the whole thing. Something “off”. There could be endless other examples given but let's move on to our subject, the narc's grandiosity complex. So the narcissist's grandiosity complex, which is intimately tied to their sense of entitlement, is similarly just a little bit “off”, but of all of their fake dramatic gesturing this is the one they cling to most and have perfected to the highest level of refinement. Yes, the sense of grandiosity, being better than and superior to other people is their most important trait and is equal in importance to their ability to lie. How so? Well the narc's whole self image, which is no doubt based on a fantasy, has to be maintained for the narc to exist, for them to even have the slightest trace of a core personality. The irony is that deep inside the narc knows they are actually deficient when compared to other people with the capacity for love and empathy, compassion and remorse, those who have a conscience. The narc senses that they are actually inferior to these people and that is what makes the narc react so strongly in an effort to convince themselves and the world that they are different, yes, but that difference makes them superior, not inferior. So, much energy is put into maintaining this sense of superiority, because the facts all around the narc, the reality all around them, points to the truth. The truth that the narc is deficient, the narc is inferior, missing some very important things that others have and the narc never received. Yes love, empathy, joy, creativity, peace, those are all things the narc sees around them and can't understand and those very things when right in front of the narc, make the narc face their own inferiority. Therefore the narc, being envious of those “normal” people goes into defensive and denial mode to convince themselves and all around them that THEY, the narc are the superior ones. But there is another reason for the narc's need for being superior and that lies in the fact that the narc sees everything as black or white good or bad superior or inferior. There is no in between for the narcissist so if the narc isn't good and superior that means they are bad and inferior and the narc can't tolerate even the notion of not being best. So, in a sense, the narcissist has to expend huge amounts of energy to convince themselves and others of their superiority because deep inside the narc knows they are deficient and can't handle that truth. No, the narc could never admit to themselves that they aren't perfect. That then takes us to the narc's incessant and inflated sense of entitlement. Yes, the narc always has to get more than the next person, the narc has to believe that they are deserving of more. To get less than someone else or be equal just doesn't sit well with the narc because it gives the implication that the narc isn't the best, isn't superior to those around them. How does this sense of entitlement manifest? Well it results in some of the narc's most evil deeds. Take the narc's need for revenge for example. If the narc feels that anyone has wronged them, they immediately feel entitled to pay back ten fold and have no remorse about having done so. If anyone questions the narc, same thing, the narc is entitled to and feels justified in teaching a lesson to someone who had the audacity to contradict them. Yes, the narc's nasty behavior towards others, especially their immediate family behind closed doors away from public visibility is horrendous. But again the narc feels totally justified. Turn the tables on the narc and scold them when they deserve it once in three and one half years after the narc has dished out daily doses of vitriol and the narc will go ballistic. Only the narc has the right to have temper tantrums and disparage their partner and treat them poorly. Never the other way around. Take the narcissist's core emotion, envy. If anyone does better or is more fortunate than the narc this is totally unacceptable. After all the narc and the narc alone is the one who always needs to get the best, have the greatest good fortune, and be the best, the “winner”. How dare anyone else take that right away from the narc. How else does this sense of entitlement manifest? Well the narc expects every one of their actions to be praised. The narc would never accept even the slightest hint that something they have done or are doing could use improvement. Is it any wonder that the narc is stuck in their same rut year after year? Those around the narc learn well how to walk on eggshells and not set off the narc. So the victims engage in constant placation and praise of the narc. They have long ago given up on ever being able to have a frank conversation with the narcissist. So yes, in a world where everyone is special the narc needs to be “more special”. In their quest to be the best, the narc can never resist taking the shortcut, going after the big ticket items for their billboard. At all costs. Getting a hollow victory that isn't theirs, costs an enormous amount of energy, produces nothing of any value to society, and never gives a genuine sense of accomplishment to the narcissist. Yes, the narcissist is a broken human being that can't live without sucking others dry of their energy since the narc has a limited ability to generate any energy on their own. Thank you for watching. Peace be with you. Comments are welcomed.

The Narcissist and Their Shadow Play: The Narcissist can't live in the sunlight where everything is clearly visible with brilliant colors and well defined outlines. The narc needs to live in the world between dusk and dawn, a world of ambiguity where nothing is as it seems and the shadow world they create can be fully under their control. They need to come into the sunlight to obtain new supply, and they can maintain the appearance of a light dweller for quite some time, but this requires an enormous amount of energy for the narcissist. The world of sunlight is an unnatural environment for the narc. But the narc does have the skills to live in that world, they have perfected their ability to project a custom made persona, “mask” for any environment, be that the workplace, family relationship, or their personal relationships. Yes, each of those environments will get it's own custom made persona, tailored specifically to the environment's requirements and more importantly to the narc's ultimate goal: to take full command and control of that environment. So the narc is driven. Driven by the need to be king or queen, to being the person who calls the shots and every ounce of their motivation is focused on that goal and that goal alone. So if the narc sees a target or scenario they have to own they will do whatever it takes to take that environment or person over. If it is required to be humble and obedient, yes the narc can play that role very convincingly, after all this humility is merely an act and the narc's pleasure is to be able to pull off that act. If they need to put on the pretense of being chaste, no problem, dedicated, loyal, kind, loving, no problem. After all the narc has devoted their whole life to deception and playing at what they consider the “game of life”. So let's get back to our analogy. We have all been outdoors and observed the gradual departure of daylight as it almost imperceptibly fades away. This is precisely how the narc plies their trade. Yes they start out in the world of light, but gradually, imperceptibly they bring their captured targets, light dwellers, into the dusk and in some cases into total darkness, where the victim is so blind that they can't see the hand in front of their face, so profound is the darkness. In that world of darkness the narc has full control and can make their victim believe whatever they need them to believe. So they can make themselves into a powerful person in that shadow world. They can make a dilapidated shack in the distance, your future together, appear as a lush well maintained mansion. When it is time to dispense with you, they drag you further into the darkness and start telling you of wolves in the shadows that lurk behind every rock and you believe it all by that point. The mansion? Yes it still exists, but you the victim are unworthy, someone else will be living in that glorious mansion. Here is the reality: That mansion never existed. It is a run down, rat infested shack with a leaking roof, barely large enough to accommodate two people. Strange how that shack can cast such a gracefully large shadow. Yes it can. But frankly, I actually took a detailed look at that “shack”, even as I was in the relationship and I never had the heart to tell the narc what a ridiculously inadequate environment it was. Totally impractical. Based on nothing but emotional manipulation of the most obvious kind, arrogance, apostasy, deception, and outright lies. I just wonder if the narc already knew that the shack was just that or they really believed it was a mansion or at least made themselves believe. Don't care to know anymore. Not my problem. My journey to that shack was to get to understand the mentality of that person, to see what I had to work with. Little did I know the narc was living in a far deeper fantasy world. A world that would make that “shack” closer to the real world in comparison. That is sad, but also chilling. So what is the point for the target or victim of the narcissist? The victim having spent time in this dark world without even knowing it can't now suddenly go out into the sunlight, they need to gradually allow themselves to move closer and closer to the real world, the world of light. Your journey of healing, moving out of the darkness will be slow and imperceptible. Just as the gradual fading of darkness makes way for the light at dawn, you need to drag yourself back into the light gradually to let your heart, mind, and psyche, your “eyes”, adjust to that world of light. As the surrounding light increases you will again be able to see clearly and be able to clearly perceive the reality of what is going on around you. You will once again have fresh air to breathe. Leave that swamp and it's wicked odors, shadows, fog, mud and quicksand to the narcissist. The narc may one day fall into their own quicksand since they prefer to live in that world. Yes even the narc who thinks they are the master of the darkness, can't see everything in that world they prefer to live in. Are those shadows the narc perceives as the enemy real? Is that really a bear or a lion or just the shadow of a rock? Is that quicksand they are about to step into or firm ground? You on the other hand can walk confidently on verifiable firm ground and live your life without fear, if you so choose. Yes, we understand that world of the narcissist, because we had to live in it. There may be a degree of comfort in that world of ambiguity. You could probably get used to the wicked odor of the narc and their world, but that odor gets into every pore of your skin. After many months of “scrubbing” yourself you can eventually fully eliminate that odor from your life and move on. Over time in the fresh air you will come to be repelled by that distinctive “smell”, that “odor” that is common to all narcissists. It is that sickly sweet smell of death and decay, combined with arrogance and self deluded importance, omnipotence,privilege, and exceptional ability. But the narc deftly covered that up with a heavy dose of cologne or perfume. Many are all familiar with that haughty bizarre grin of the narc as they get satisfaction out of having once again successfully gaslit or otherwise confused or lied to the victim. Contrast the “smell” of that with a person who genuinely loves and cares about you and gives you a genuine smile of warmth and affection. Feel the difference when someone genuinely cares and puts their hand in yours as they gaze into your eyes. Yes there is a difference. The difference between life and death, fresh clear pure water and polluted water, fresh air and foul polluted air. We need to be able to see the difference. We need to be able to spot the counterfeits, the fakes. We need to be aware of our surroundings and make sure we aren't dragged into the darkness where everything has to be taken on blind faith, where we can't really tell truth from fiction. We need to stay in the light. We need to focus on discernment. Look for empathy, look for compassion, look for remorse and a conscience, very carefully see if a person is genuine in their affections. There is a difference between the real thing and the fake. We were deceived. Was it because we were in the darkness and couldn't see? Was it because we weren't vigilant, because someone redirected our attention? Did we just not understand due to prior conditioning that it isn't normal for someone to devalue you, put you down, destroy your self esteem, and expect you to please them with no reciprocation? The questions are endless, but it doesn't matter. We will no longer put up with this. No more. We need to focus on what is important and we need to expect that our partners respect us and are truthful with us. We have learned. We will stay in the light and not allow our focus on the important things to be distracted. Just as the narcissist became more and more skilled at deception, we targets can become more and more skilled at detection. By learning to detect and isolate ourselves from narcissists we targets can keep our humanity, in the same way that the narc refined their evil and lost their humanity, if they ever even had any. The narcissist destroyed your life, that is in the past. They didn't destroy you, even though right after the discard or your imposition of no contact it felt that way. You can turn that tragedy into an opportunity and rebuild your life wisely, or you can allow that event to define you. Yes, the narcissist destroyed your past, but you are in control of your present and future. How do we rebuild and restore our lives? First, don't allow your narc ex and other narcissists any present or future opportunities by moving forward with the firm resolve to choose your future and those you associate with carefully and cautiously, eliminating or minimizing your contact with narcissists. Second, don't dwell on the abuse, work on and minimize your desire for vengeance. Leave the narc to God. I have repeated to myself over and over “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, sayeth the Lord”. The full passage is in Romans 12 19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord.” This is also found in Deuteronomy 32 35.
Removing that need for vengeance is a huge task, a daily task for many months, but eventually you can lift that burden off of your shoulders. The burden of punishing the narcissist is too heavy for us to handle and God doesn't want us to have that burden. He wants you to give it to Him, leave it in His hands. That frees you to move on with your life. If God decides the narc deserves no punishment, that is His good pleasure. But rest assured, ultimately no narcissist will get away with a single act that they have committed unless they genuinely humble themselves to God. If the narcissist thinks they can gaslight God or deceive Him in any way they will have a very serious and terrifying awakening in their passage beyond the veil of death. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Life is a Game for the Narcissist: Life is a game for the narcissist and the main motivation of the narc's existence is to always be “the winner”. The irony is that the narc might be the winner every single time but the narc is not “ a winner” they are almost always a loser. Why is that the case? Well there are many possibilities, so it might be a good time to analyze the narc's inner emotional workings to get at least one piece of the puzzle. The narc is devoid of many of the positive emotions that are required for success. At the job, and in a relationship. You could call the narc emotionally detached, but that is only true for love, commitment. loyalty, empathy and sympathy for their friends, coworkers or partners. There are plenty of the other emotions and those emotions encompass the entirety of the narc's emotional involvement with others. So yes the narc does invest emotions into a relationship. What are those emotions? Envy, jealousy, downright hatred, fear and anger. Yes in the narc is fully engaged when it comes to those emotions. But those emotions don't bind, they do just the opposite, they divide. So is it any wonder that the narc never has a problem moving on? Let's take the subject of relationships. The average person is genuinely looking for a life partner. Someone thy can spend the rest of their lives with, bond to and grow with, In a normal relationship the bonding process alters both people so that they become even more compatible and are able to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence. That is the goal of both of those partners because both have heavily invested their hearts and souls into each other and made themselves vulnerable. So how does the narc feel about a partnership with someone? Well the narc doesn't look for love or a lifetime commitment since the narc is incapable of comprehending or appreciating those things so the narc is out for an experience. What is on the narc's shopping list? What is a narc looking for in a partner? Is it looks, charm charisma? Someone they truly understand? Those things may be taken into account , but the narc's number one item on the list is to find someone thst is easily manipulated,. This is what makes a codependent or “self love deficient” individual the narc's prime target. The narc needs someone that is trusting, someone that has a strong desire to seek the approval of others, someone that has a strong urge to please others. So yes all of the other things on the wish list that normal people look for in a potential partner are there for the narc, but the narcissists primary objective is ease of manipulation all other qualities of the potential partner are secondary. So the narc begins playing the game and aside from the emotions above, which are really divisive, the narc really never has an emotional bond to their partner at all. The narc does mirror and mimic the love that they see in other genuine relationships and even the love that comes from their partner, but it is all fake. An astute partner occasionally notices when the narc shows their ankle but the narc quickly regroups and the fantasy of a genuine love relationship is maintained. Over time the target becomes so wrapped up in the illusion of being in a real relationship that the target will even ignore the obvious lack of concern of the narc. However as the narc gets deeper and deeper into their devaluation phase, eventually the narcissist's callousness, disloyalty, duplicity, lack of empathy become so obvious that the target, even in their hypnotized state starts putting together these anomalies in the relationship. Things that just don't fit with the narc's profession of their love and devotion. But by then the narc doesn't care any more since they are planning on new supply anyway. So what is the point? Well the narc is just playing a game and extracting as much attention and other energy that they can from the partner and that is really the extent of the narc's actual involvement in the relationship. The facade or mask the narc presents to their partner is just there to maintain the energy supply. So the narc plays their sick game of pretending to genuinely love and getting their partner to be fully convinced of that love gives the narc the thrill of winning. So let's say the partner starts noticing that the narc is really not genuine in their affections and decides to end the relationship? Well that is totally unacceptable to the narc and they will do everything in their power to win back the partner. Why? Well we already know it isn't due to a love bond, so why? Well the narc is compelled to resume the relationship because they simply can't imagine themselves as being a loser in their own game. The narc needs to be the one who discards, the narc has to be the one that quits the job. The narc as to be the victor in all circumstances. So ironically the narc's obsession with being a winner is one of the main causes for them continually being a loser- in life. We can take this same attitude and transfer it to a workplace to a friendship or even to a relationship with family members. The root motivation of the behavior is all the same. The narc must win. At all costs. For the most part those costs are meant to be borne by others, but the narc is even willing to lose something important, just to win in their petty game of life. You could say the narc would be willing to break an arm if it mean they could break the victim's two legs. That would count as a win for the narc. What about the successful narc? Well, that attitude combined with intelligence can actually be an asset in the business world or in politics where a ruthless disregard of the well being of others can be an advantage. So what does this mean for the victims, some of whom seem to get into one narc relationship after another? Well everything if you begin to understand that only YOU, the empath have ever really given of yourself in that relationship with the narcissist. The narcissist was a detached observer simply draining fuel from you and putting up whatever pretense necessary to obtain that fuel. In the beginning the narc gave a large amount of positive reinforcement in the idealization phase, supplying huge doses of compliments, encouragement, seeming concern, and emotional support. But the narc carefully measured out that energy expenditure, making sure that eventually all of that expense would be recovered and from there on out the narc would have a steady source of energy to draw from the victim that would not be reciprocated by the narc. So there would be constant energy flowing from the victim to the narc. Quite a good return on the investment, another win for the narc. Once the victim had been depleted of all of their positive energy, or the narc got bored, or there was the potential for new supply the narc began the devaluation phase to get a steady flow of energy from the victim again. This energy being all negative. Yes the narc would start abusing the victim, or if you just want to say the narc just started not being nice to the victim. The narc purposefully began their sick game of never allowing the victim to ever feel like they were quite satisfying the needs of the narc. Moving the goalposts. Hamster wheel srguments that left the victim out of breath neverhaving gotten am=nywhere. Refraing of things the victim said to make the mean==aning of those words totally different than what the victim intended. Gaslighting where the narc would play games with the victim's sense of realtiy And of course the mainstay of the narc's abuse the narcs premier talent that of the lie. Yes the narc was deft at lying strategically the narc then started drawing negative energy in the devaluation phase of the relationship narc had depleted all of the positive energy from the victim As the realtionship went into the devaluation phase and the narc went full force slowly degrading the victim's sense of self and self esteem and sense of reality, the narc stillWhere has the empath gone wrong, what is it about a person with self- love deficit or codependency that has to be less of a human being.you have the right to expect empathy from your partner and loyalty. It isn't OK for a partner to be constantly berating you and making you feel fixed or changed or enlightened in the target victim? Here are a few things to think about. You have te right to genuine love, you have the right to be always respected by your partner, So here is where the narc's maximum energy draw, no expenditure on the part of the narc. So here is the sickest part of it all the part that makes every single narc deserve every disparaging metaphor. These cretinous demons would actually get pleasure, sick pleasure that would give them a lifetime of glee if they accomplished driving the victim to suicide. Yes that is the ultimate win for the narc. Are you getting it yet? The narc doesn't care he never did and he never will. Life is but a game to the narc and it's all about the narc winning. That is the unbeleivable f=reality for some narcs and the undeniable realtiy of the person tha called herself my lifetime partner. She will one day receive her reward. I just have one request never to see or hear from her again. I have left it all in God's hands and if He chooses to save her and she avoids eternal damnation, good for her. The likelihood of her humbling herself? Slim to none. and goes from being not a good person to undeniabley evil. It is one thing to have depraved indifference to a person you previously pretended to love but here is where the situation goes beyond the pale. These sick depraved pieces of filth get pleasure out of tormenting and devastating there previous partners inflicting every mental cruelty imaginable on their former partners. If that cruelty can be timed at the right moment, the victim's birthday, or the death of a family member all the better. That creates maximum impact. The narc knows all of the vulnerabilities of the victim since the victim confided everything to the narc, so the treacherous narc holds nothing back. Maximum pain becomes So what is the point of all of this for the victim? The narc has dixcarded you and in your mind you have suffered a great loss. Here is the reality a reality that is two edeged in the sense that it can wound deeply, but if looked at in a different way can heal deeply as well. What is that truth? The narc never cared, they don't care now and they will never care in the future. Think about the implication of that. When the narc first charmed you and made you feel like a million dollars- they didn't care about you. When the narc seemed like they didn't care and then made an excuse and convinced you they did car no the narc was lying they didn't care. When the narc told you how special you were and how much they loved you, they didn't care. When the narc showed lack of concern and lack of empathy and just treated you badly and you made excuses for the narc- you were just covering up the obvious reality the reality that you as a victim couldn't accept. The narc didn't care. When the narc discarded you and abused you mentally and possibly physically you made all sorts of excuses for them they were frustrated overworked, in physical pain, it was that time of the month, their blood sugar was low, you name it, when you made excuses that the narc didn't really want to abuse you you were wrong again. The narc didn't care. Yes the narc may come back again and try to convince you that they had a change of heart that they really do love you. Now you know it isn't true at all the narc doesn't care. Yes whether the narc is friendly and building you up or when they tear you down it is all the same. The narc doesn't care. The narc never cared and the narc never will. Life is simply a game for the narcissist and the people they come in contact with are simply chess pieces on a board. But the narc is playing both sides. The narc controls the game and is in essence playing himself. No one else is in control.

Why The Narcissist Needs Control: An organized and neatly arranged environment at work and at home is always the ideal we all want to achieve, and many of us do achieve good results that are close to that ideal. Yes, neatness and organization are virtues, but the motivation behind that fine control of the environment is what sets the narc apart from normal people who just need to live in an organized space. Life is more efficient and brighter in an environment where there is a place for everything and everything is in it's place, and that might be one of the good reasons for wanting things organized. The narc, however has other additional reasons for wanting their environment and their world under tight control and “organized”. The narc sees everyone in their environment in need of being carefully categorized and placed in the right location so that they can be properly utilized as needed. Those people in the narc's environment get with the program or are used for whatever can be extracted and then discarded to remove the clutter from the narc's life. How virtuous. But there is only one problem, people aren't meant to be used, they are meant to be loved and accepted for who they are. No human should be seen as an object and that is fundamentally what the narcs sees those around them as being. Objects to be used. Humans merely serve a function for the narc. When that function is no longer being properly performed the narc is done with that object, otherwise known as a human being. Period. So yes, the narc is a control freak even if they aren't organized on the outside, in their home, or at work. It doesn't matter to the narc, the critical thing is to have everything under their thumb, under their control, so that even if their house is cluttered it doesn't matter because it is cluttered BY the narc. Yes, the narc is comfortable in their own warped world where everything is upside down because it is THEIR world. What gets under the narc's skin is when the rest of the people in their lives or even other people in society itself have any sovereignty. To the narc only they have the privilege to have sovereignty. The narc's opinion is all that counts. The narc is the arbiter of right and wrong. The narc simply can't tolerate the freedom of thought and action of others. The narc hates liberty. The narc's mentality is that of a Communist or a Socialist and this spirit has now saturated and taken over every single area of the globe. Yes, central planners are now the arbiters of right and wrong. People need to conform: in their thinking, in their actions, in their speech, and even in their motivations. The narc doesn't tolerate dissent . The narc arrogantly thinks they know best and they feel totally comfortable taking away the liberty of other people that are harming no one and simply want to be left alone. That parallels or mirrors the mentality of the central planners precisely, just on a smaller scale. The narc has never seen a liberty that they don't think needs to be under their control and regulated. So let's think about this for a moment, although I try to veer away from social commentary. Do you see what is happening in western society? The morality of people has been degenerated by design. The attitudes of people have been influenced by daily propaganda with an agenda to make all citizens conform to an accepted mindset and speech pattern and way of life. Think about this. The central planners exhibit all of the signs of a narcissist, right down to the fact that they lie with reckless abandon and double down on their lies when they are questioned. These central planners have enlisted a host of flying monkeys (news outlets and entertainers to name a few) to spread the message that they want the public to believe. These flying monkeys would immediately lose everything if they questioned these preprogrammed dogmas created by the planners. The dogmas that the planners choose to disseminate and broadcast as the truth could be mostly lies, but those lies will always contain an element of truth to make them believable. Yes, the narcissistic central planners have and want control of everything and they are well along the way of achieving their goal. Total control of everything. It is beyond the scope of this conversation, but think about the media: entertainment, news broadcasts, movies, radio, newspapers, news magazines, science magazines, the list goes on. For example, isn't it curious that the chemtrails, creating artificial clouds that are being obviously sprayed above everyone's heads, a phenomenon that any human being can observe with their own eyes, are not believed to be real. According to popular opinion,they are just contrails, normal condensation of a plane's exhaust. Yet man's large scale contribution to global warming is accepted by blind faith. Do all scientists really agree as to the extent of man's contribution? Look into it. There are so many other things we have been lied to and a few hours worth of research and a willingness to have an open mind, be an independent thinker, would make the lies obvious. So how does this apply to the narcissist we as victims have to deal with? Well the narc is the perfect social justice warrior. Narcissists aren't ever interested in the truth, they are only interested in “billboard”, being trendy and in agreement and in tune with popular opinion. Yes, in this respect and this respect only the narc conforms to the world. The narc would never want to be seen as an independent thinker, someone who is a dissident. That attitude doesn't appeal to the narc at all. The narc is inflexible and unteachable with respect to popular opinion. When it comes to towing the line for the powers at large, the narc is an obedient slave, since the “powers that be” hold the keys to the narc's most prized goal. Accolades, and the public image of being a fine and extraordinarily magnificent “A” list member of society. Dissidence and the labels that go along with it are not acceptable to the narc, any dissidence at all. When popular opinion tells the narc there is a problem in society, they will never take the time to analyze what has been said, the narc will believe, because the narc has to believe to be trendy and being trendy and in tune with the mainstream of popular opinion is more important than anything to the narc. Future generations and the truth be damned. The narc lives in the moment and for themselves and themselves alone. How does this apply to our individual relationship with the narc? Well that spirit of control is in everything the narc says and does. It is one of the narc's most important obsessions and if their personal life isn't under their control they will put every effort to get it that way. This is the root cause of the narc's covert manipulation of everyone around them, using any lie and untruth necessary to achieve their goals of “organizing”, “labeling” and “categorizing” everyone they come in contact with. The narc has found better and better ways of being manipulative over the course of their lives, making their treachery, lies and duplicity almost invisible to the objects (people) in their lives. Yes the narc is aware of individualism and personal sovereignty and they have expended great mental effort in breaking down that sovereignty in the people around them to get those people totally under their control. So yes, the narc's world, the world around them is neat, organized with everything clearly categorized and put in its place. If you are a person that considers themselves an individual and doesn't want to be put in your place, the place the narc has made for you, out you go. You will be replaced. If you can't be easily labeled the narc will place a label on you anyway. You will be the savior or hero until you are no longer needed or wanted then the narc will take another aspect of your personality and label you a villain and discard you. We do have to remember the control the narc seeks is external control. They place no constraints whatsoever on their internal , mental, emotional, motivational environment. Anything goes for the narc, nothing goes for the rest of the people in the world or even society itself. It's the narc's way or no way. Nonconformists in the narc's world will be banished, smeared , destroyed, anything necessary to obtain the finely controlled, organized environment the narc needs to live in. So, now it becomes clear why the narcissist is so obsessed with people following the rules. The narc is outraged when people don't do everything to the letter of the law because the narc feels that the privilege of being above the law is theirs and theirs alone. How dare others assume themselves to be at the high level of the narcissist and to consider themselves their equal. Yes, the narc's haughty attitude is clear to all of those around them, a commute to work frequently shows us exactly the nature of these people as they speed, cut people off left and right, cause accidents and never once question their own actions. Why, because the narc livs by his or her rules of the road and everyone else is wrong if they don't conform to the narc's rules. Yes, the narc can make or break or ignore rules whenever they have a whim to do so. But only the narc has that privilege. Everyone else has to comply, unquestioningly to the letter of the law. The laws of English, the laws of the road, the laws of social conduct, the laws of what to think, etc. Every one complies or the narc thinks it totally appropriate to correct these people in any way necessary. So let's think about the religious narcissists, called the Pharisees. These pharisees had taken the simple commandments of the Bible and literally created volumes of specific codes of conduct that every person had to precisely follow. What was Jesus's response to these people? Read all of Matthew 23, for example, and you see what Jesus thought of these righteous people. Here are a few excerpts from Matthew 23: Verse 3: So you must be careful to do everything they tell you. But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. Verse 4: They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them. Verse 5: “Everything they do is done for people to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long; Verse 6: they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues Verse 7: they love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and to be called ‘Rabbi’ by others. Verse 23: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. Verse 24: You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. Verse 25: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Verse 26: Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. Verse 27: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. Verse 28: In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. Verse 33: “You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell? Verse 34: Therefore I am sending you prophets and sages and teachers. Some of them you will kill and crucify; others you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town. Verse 34: And so upon you will come all the righteous blood that has been shed on earth.....” So yes these Pharisees are the prototypical narcissists and this attitude of legalism exists wherever the narc goes. Yes, narcissists can be churchgoers or atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Muslims, etc. The narc will ply his trade, his brand of self righteousness and proper attitude in any setting. But in essence the attitude is all the same. It's all about appearance and looking good in public, and as Jesus stated above they lack justice, mercy, and faithfulness placing all of the emphasis on appearance in all of the “good” public actions that they do. Read all of Matthew 23 to get an understanding of who you are dealing with with a narcissist. Apparently Jesus had the audacity to not pat these people on the back. Jesus had the audacity to tell the truth about Himself as being God. Is it any wonder the pharisees wanted Jesus dead? I want to make it clear that there is nothing wrong with being a social justice warrior, or being neat and organized. Both of these things are virtuous if done with the proper motivation and a comprehensive, open-minded understanding of the cause. It is the improper motivation and lack of open-mindedness and comprehension that makes the narc's version of social justice and organization dangerous and damaging to those around them and to society in general. The narc does nothing with love, or empathy, or understanding. It is all to bolster their own egos. So, yes the narc will walk through New York City handing out cash to the homeless and that is a great think to do. But why? We have our suspicions don't we. But, being that we aren't narcissists we will not label someone a narcissist and presume to know what their real motivation is. After all, the average person is flexible and teachable and open minded. The average person is aware of and allows for the complexity of the people around them and doesn't simply place a label on them. Unfortunately the narc has taught us that there are people in this world that are a waste of our kindness, thoughts and good intentions, honesty, and transparency. Ironically ,the narc sees the people around them as three dimensional objects, oversimplifies the people and manipulates them as needed,. Where is the irony? Well the closest thing to a simple uncomplicated person who is little more that an object, with no subtlety or complexity is a narcissist. So yes, the narcissist is just about the only person you will encounter that can be labeled and categorized and eliminated from our lives. Yes, there are people out there who aren't worthy of our confidences or good intentions. That is sad. We can try to help, but we need to be fully on guard and never turn our backs or give unmerittedd trust to the narcissist. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Why the Narcissist Wants You Dead: The target of narc abuse goes on feeling like a shell of themselves, a hollow human being for a long time after the discard. The feelings of helplessness, loneliness, abandonment, worthlessness can persist for months, years, even decades because the victim's sense of self has literally been blown apart by the narcissist. The narc was the victim's confidant, the person with whom they shared their deepest secrets, fears, hopes and dreams with. The narc was the perfect partner at first, no one had ever taken so much interest in the victim and the narc lifted that victim's self esteem to unprecedented heights in the mirroring- idealization phase of the relationship. Victims with humility and a clear sense of their own limitations frequently fight at this love bombing phase and don't allow all of the attention and compliments to go to their head, but the narc is relentless and won't give up. They will attack the victim from every angle until they finally DO get inside the victims head. My narc was relentless just about two weeks into having met her and she never let up. I never believed the relationship was really happening, that I had been so lucky and so blessed to have been given an opportunity to have a relationship with someone who was everything I ever wanted in a woman, someone who exceeded all of my expectations, someone who was genuinely interested in me, someone who adored and admired me. I didn't believe it and told the narc as much, well that just made her double down and she finally broke down that wall of mistrust as I totally let down my guard and allowed myself to be vulnerable once again after 14 years alone. What were some of the narc's favorite tools to get me to lower my guard and let her into my heart, mind, and imagination? Here are a few of her favorite sayings to me: You are a great guy. Any woman who knew you, really got to know you, would think of themselves as lucky to have found you. My search is over I've finally found my soul mate and life's purpose. You've totally healed me psychologically and emotionally. I had a dream that I left you and I was in a new job and then I realized I had made the biggest mistake of my life. No one ever took the time to really understand me, but you are so attentive, so in tune with who I am. You really get me. The narc would say: “I really wasn't looking for another relationship I just wanted to spend some time alone with no partner and maybe finally meet someone, but when I met you I just couldn't pass up the opportunity.” My favorite that the narc said multiple times: “Have some confidence, I am all yours, I belong to you. I am yours forever.” When I told her I had only had two relationships in my life she told me I was only the second person she had ever been with. I was foolish enough to believe the lies and manipulation that narc was getting away with as she love bombed me into being her devoted partner. So what happens on the other end of the relationship when YOU are the narc's partner and they are grooming “the next one”? A narc still in a relationship might tell the new target something to the effect: “My partner and I aren't together at all, haven't been for years. They go their way, I go mine.” When the reality is they are at the same time telling their partner how much they still love them. Yes, the narc always takes the role of the victim, trapped in an unworkable relationship and that is exactly how they present it to the next candidate for a relationship. What are the excuses for still being with the old partner? Well, this is just conjecture but here are a few possibilities. We just live under the same roof for the sake of the children. The partner is their employer and they have been entrapped and can't get out of the relationship. What are some of the narc's grievances? In fact my partner has repeatedly cheated on me and he is always drunk. I tried so hard to get my partner help, I was so devoted to that person, but I have thrown up my arms. I need to find someone who is mature, who will share the burdens of life with me and who will really take the time to build a real solid relationship with me that will last a lifetime. My partner squanders money and we can't get ahead. My partner takes no responsibility, it's all on me. My partner promised me all sorts of things for our future together, but was just lying to get me to fall in love with them. That partner never fulfilled those promises and never had any intentions of fulfilling them. The partner of the narc is a fake and a phony and a liar. The list goes on. But one thing to note: Most of those accusations the narc makes against the partner are based on truth and reality, but there is only one problem. The narc is the one with all of those bad qualities and the narc is simply projecting those things onto the partner they are demonizing. Lies like that say an awful lot about how little respect she had for me. She never ever respected me enough to be honest and truthful. She never respected me enough to present herself honestly. She never respected the relationship enough to build it on a foundation that had substance and would allow it to last a lifetime. No, instead the narc built a relationship based on smoke and mirrors, lies and deception. The foundation of the relationship, her part at least, was unimportant to the narc, since this was all a temporary distraction in her mind. The narc didn't want a firm foundation for the relationship. The relationship was intended from the very beginning to be transient, to fail by design. The narc was bored and simply wanted a novel experience with someone new and different, not a “ball and chain”. The relationship was more like a tent that could be dismantled and folded up as the narc went to new territory or simply burned and replaced if needed. It was only the victim, who the narc viewed as a fool that bought in to her deception, who was stupid enough to believe her lies, that took things seriously. Oh, the partner really believed everything the narc said? Well that victim deserved to get a dose of reality and have the rug pulled out from under them. Life is tough says the narc and I am here to make sure you get a deep, comprehensive lesson into how harsh and cruel life can be. Yes the narc was doing you a service when they burnt down your world and destroyed you from the inside out. So how does this all relate to the discard and the no contact and the demonization. It has everything to do with it. Yes, you know the truth and that makes you the most dangerous person on the planet. Yes there were others in the past “crazy stalkers” etc. and each of those poor souls was equally destroyed and discredited and left with nothing as the narc walked away unscathed. The narc was the poor victim of an evil perpetrator. How else could the narc survive. Yes the narc demonizes their old partner for good reason. That old partner knows the truth, so that partner has to be made evil, has to be made crazy has to be discredited. That old partner has the truth that would totally destroy the fantasy world, the false mask that makes everyone consider the narc a paragon of virtue in the community and most importantly in the eyes of the narc's new “chosen other”. So yes, the narc wants you dead because you are their biggest threat. Lies and deceit can't live in the light of truth. What is the point of all of this? Well think about the poor mother who loves her children and has a manipulative partner demonize her and has her own children, her own flesh and blood turn against them. What incredible pain and suffering that must cause. Now it becomes clear why the victim has been made the evil one. Think about the person who devoted their lives to the narc and did nothing but good for her and deeply loved her and cared about her. Think about any person you can think of that gave their heart to the narc and made themselves vulnerable. Were these people perfect? Absolutely not, but that is no reason to call them evil. These victims are made into the devil because they know the truth, not because there is some inner covert agenda that the victim had that was equal to that of the narcissist. The victim isn't demonizing the narcissist to cover up the truth, the victim is merely exposing the truth and that truth in many cases exposes the narc's true evil. The narc knows this. So here is the truth the victim has to understand, the truth that can set them free. How appropriate for this Independence Day. The narc is no contact, is treating you badly, disparages you, minimizes you, makes you feel worthless not because any of those things are true, but because you are the most dangerous person on the planet. You know the REAL truth and that makes you enemy number one. There isn't anything wrong with you even though the narc tries hard to make you believe that. The narc needs you incapacitated and confused and self doubting. The narc needs you destroyed. The narc needs you to believe you are the evil and crazy one. The narc fears one thing more than anything else on this planet. A victim who is clear headed and aware and sees that narc for the evil parasite that they are. The narc is literally fighting for their lives and it's you or them. The narc may be self deceived, but they know one thing for sure, their lies have never been able to stand up to the truth when there was a fair fight. So you aren't being shunned for your weaknesses and deficiencies, even though you do have weaknesses and deficiencies. You are being shunned and not allowed contact with the narc because they are deeply afraid of the truth that lives inside of you. So yes, the narc wants you dead literally or figuratively. Remember who you are. You were a positive, creative person. A person who felt deeply, who cared about others and the world around you. A person who had flaws and was working on them. A person who lived, for the most part, in the light of truth. The narc saw that spark in your eyes that kindness in your soul, the love in your heart for humanity and for others, that sympathy and empathy and couldn't resist taking those things, the energy of them, for themselves. When the narc exhausted that supply in you, depleted you, they shifted to one purpose and only one purpose. To remove you from their lives in any way possible. You needed to be kept unaware of what was going on. The narc carefully planned their escape and had all sorts of contingency plans, because you were now spent and the narc was determined to move on. Reasons for leaving? They are multiple: boredom, realizing they couldn't manipulate you or deceive you are just two. But the big one is when you found out the truth about them and learned about covert narcissism. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Blame and the Narcissist: The narc is fixated on blame, they brood on “who's at fault” and interestingly enough it's always anyone else but them. It's been said many times and it is true that the narcissist is the perennial victim. The narcissist has a long list of offenders starting with their parents, who of course, started the cycle of letting them down and not acknowledging their “specialness” and goes on from there. Every significant relationship thereafter was the same, somehow the person let them down, never measured up, didn't give the narc what they needed and expected to have. What were these people's deficiencies? It all boils down to the fact that they weren't perfect and the narc found those imperfections unacceptable. After all the narc found no imperfections (that the narc couldn't justify) in themselves, they are giving their partner perfection therefore it's only natural that the narc should also expect that perfection from others. That is the mentality of the narc. So yes the narc needs to be the victim, the perfect one, the “right” one, the person that was”abused”, “neglected”, “misunderstood”, the list goes on. Does the narc notice imperfection in themselves at all? Yes, they are thinking people, they have brains, but they always minimize those deficiencies or justify them by placing the blame on others. But for the imperfections of others, their parents and later in life their family, friends, partners, employers, workmates, in other words anyone the narc comes in contact with, the narc would be flawless. No sin the narc commits is unforgivable, so they go through life as the righteous one. Yes, that pattern began as a young child, when there may well have been a legitimate cause for calling themselves abused, but that pattern of playing the role of a victim grows and becomes set in stone as the narc develops into adolescence and then adulthood. The narc can't escape this pattern that they have established over time. It's beyond the scope of this discussion, but there is a point to be made that the narc was a victim as a child and developed severe deeply ingrained deficiencies that are nearly impossible to get over even as a thinking adult. That is agreed. But there is the fact that others having suffered similar abuse as children, have “moved on” and haven't dwelled upon the deficiencies of their upbringing. So why do these points have to be made? Because there is the need for the healthy people the narc comes in contact with and damages to call themselves a victim, the one that was abused, the one that was “wronged”. So for a brief moment in time the otherwise healthy person does have to enter this world of the narc, a world where there is right and wrong good and bad and in this case the victim does have to get into the uncomfortable position of putting the blame on another: the narcissist. That doesn't come naturally for someone that grew up and became an adult and learned the importance of personal responsibility. In the relationship with a narc they were a victim and after a lifetime of having figured life out, done the work of building themselves up as adolescents and adults the victim has to acknowledge “victim status”, as immature as that is, as humiliating as that is, and “hit the books” having the humility to realize they were totally naive when it came to covert narcissism. So what about the person who attracts one narc partner after another, being totally unaware of what it is inside of them that attracts them to these people and attracts those narcs to them? Well there is now help. Much of the problem was lack of knowledge and understanding. Lack of information about covert narcissism, so even in those cases the “victim” should let themselves off the hook. How so? Well we have to go into the dynamic of the empath- narc relationship to explain that. Here is the big difference between the narc and the target, who is the victim in this relationship dynamic, but not forever. When the relationship blew up, the victim didn't have anything to personally reflect upon. Throughout the relationship with the narc, the victim was focusing on the relationship and trying to make it work. The victim was keenly aware of both the deficiencies in themselves that needed to be worked on to make the relationship work as well as the deficiencies in their narc partner that were holding the narc partner back from enjoying life as well as making the relationship unnecessarily tumultuous. The victim tried to gently get the narc to see those deficiencies in themselves, but more importantly cared enough about the narc to try and understand what their problem was. The victim didn't expect perfection in the narc partner, knowing that to be unrealistic and also being self aware, was always focused on their own deficiencies, the things they needed to change in themselves. That healthy introspection and taking of personal responsibility in the victim is what the shrewd narc capitalized on and used to gain a foothold in the other person's life. That foothold of personal responsibility in the victim that the narc wasn't bound by is what the narc used to gain the upper hand in the relationship and assert control, and dominance- all gradually, in a way to make sure the victim didn't become aware. It was one of the narc's many tools of manipulation along with guilt, conscience, remorse, and the bond that a person who truly loves has to their partner. Again, the narc isn't bound by any of those and uses those qualities in the victim to assert their control. Again, the narc does this covertly and gradually, so that the victim never even notices it. A stunning personal example is the obvious arrogance of the narc I was with. I was totally blind to it even though it was in plain sight. I was convinced of the narc's humility right up until and beyond the discard, yet her stories of cutting older people off with her car, telling police officers off that were following her, telling neighbors off, being offended by relatives and telling them off, well I just didn't put the pieces together until later. Yes that arrogance, the lying, the feelings of grandiosity, omnipotence, importance and superiority was on full display after the discard, but that attitude was there all along. It should have also been obvious in the fact that the narc couldn't even tolerate the slightest suggestion that they could improve on something that they had done. I just couldn't see it. So what is the point? Should the victim, who put in a huge effort to make things work, acknowledging the fact that they themselves weren't perfect, be blamed for having that healthy attitude? Should a partner who is reasonable enough to realize that no one is perfect and that you have to work on a relationship and work on yourself and try to gently make your partner aware of areas that they could improve wring their hands and try to see where they were at fault? Should accepting the fact that their partner wasn't perfect and that no person is perfect be considered an act of enablement if the victim tries to make it work? The answer is NO, that is what a normal healthy, committed relationship is all about. The victims only real problem is that they were unaware of the condition called covert narcissism. A condition in which the victim is, by design, kept in the dark by the narc as he or she plays their wicked game of deception and manipulation, totally detached from the fact that they are playing with another person's life. So the victim moves on, revisits their adolescence and childhood and once again embarks on a journey of “self-help”. The victim grows and learns and refuses to dim their light or distrust others. The victim refuses to not make themselves vulnerable to another person once again. Without that vulnerability and the ability to totally give yourself to another human being, you can have a mediocre and unsatisfying relationship and life at best. The victim now knows about covert narcissism and is keenly aware of what to look for. The victim has the good sense to no longer allow negative, manipulative people to get a foothold in their lives. The victim no longer allows family members to manipulate their lives, “steal their peace” or take away their joy. They gently put up a wall and continue on with their obligations, but will not allow their personal sovereignty, their private space, to be breached by another human being. Yes, the victim has learned to spot narcs and some have been right under their noses for a long time. The victim doesn't place a tag of narcissist on everyone they encounter, but they will certainly look for the signs of manipulation and eliminate those people from their lives. The victim WAS a victim in the dynamic of the relationship with a narc, but they have now grown and now simply see themselves as a target. The target has been down this road before, when they were a teenager and that target saw their parents as imperfect people who did the best they could and as the target became an adult he used all that his parents taught him and filled in what was missing by seeking out and learning what was absent from their instruction. Please note that I am talking about psychological abuse here, by parents who meant well, but didn't know better. Physical childhood abuse is something very different and is an area I am unqualified to have an opinion on. But just to make it clear, my father's imperfect parenting was never an issue for me, because I understood that he didn't learn how to be a father from his upbringing, he had to learn it from scratch, and compared to his grim past I will always give him a grade of “A” and not just for effort. Yes, I had minor physical and moderate to severe psychological abuse from someone who never even wanted to be a parent, but I give that man a pass. That man, my father, did suffer both repeated and continuous physical and severe psychological abuse as a child. He looked in the mirror and did the best he could to not repeat the mistakes of his father or his incredibly cruel stepmother. He made it a point to change and he did change and eventually even truly loved his son. That is something a narc will never understand. The narc is a victim and a victim alone. It's never their fault. They will never grow up and take personal responsibility. The narc is fixated on blame, it's all about blame for the narc and that blame is always someone else's. Forever. Your comments are welcomed. May you be filled with peace, joy and love on your journey into the light away from the dark world of the narcissist.