Cognitive Dissonance and the Recovering Narcissist Abuse Victim: Cognitive dissonance can have a number of different meanings but for the purposes of our discussion we will define it in two ways: 1 when a person is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values and 2 when a person has two opposing thoughts that contradict each other and shouldn't be logically present in the same person. Cognitive dissonance is oftentimes the aftermath of our encounter with a covert narcissist and it disrupts a person's internal consistency or you could call it mental and emotional integration. The return to internal integration, regaining consistency in our thoughts and emotions is one of the key goals of recovering from narc abuse. It marks a return to sanity after living in the world of insanity that the narcissist surrounded us with. How does this play out for the victim or target? Well, the first cause of cognitive dissonance is something that happens to the target while in the relationship with a narcissist. What happens is that for whatever reason the narcissist's mask slips off, most likely due to some sort of trauma or stress that occurs while in the presence of their partner and all of the sudden the narcissist literally becomes a different person that the narc's partner has never known before. This can be quite shocking because many a victim that has been in a long term relationship with a narc has had numerous suspicions that mounted during the course of the relationship, and yet that victim was all too ready to accept the tenuous explanations that the narcissist gave. But then all of the sudden that mask slips off and years of accumulating doubts and suspicions are suddenly confirmed and the extent of the fraud that was perpetrated against the victim comes clearly into focus. In an instant the victim understands completely that the partner they are with was not the person they presented themselves to be. The overload of this sudden realization that their partner is not who they believed them to be creates the first type of cognitive dissonance for the victim. The course of the next few days after the incidence of the unmasking can push the narcissist into a corner, making the narcissist even further unmask themselves. In some instances the vicious creature that comes from under that mask is almost unimaginable for that person's partner. Yes this creates deep emotional wounds, and the inner integration of the victim, the victim's view of their entire world is literally made illogical. Yes the victim has been made situationally insane. The mind is thrown into turmoil and needs to regain it's sanity, it's equilibrium. That means that a normal sane person wants their ideas of their world, their place in the world, and their opinion of their place in the world to all be consistent with reality. Yes that is the definition of sanity and a sane person is continually doing their best to see themselves, their world and their relationship to that world in as clear and accurate a way as possible. The narcissist's brand of dysfunction is the exact opposite. The narc has a totally inaccurate, skewed, warped sense of themselves and how they relate to their environment. So the narcissist actually seeks out and thrives in that fantasy world that bears only a very slight resemblance to reality. So, in effect that warped thinking is now foisted upon the victim and that cognitive dissonance is not what a sane human being wants to live with. Yes, in a sense the victim was already infected with the narcissist's virus without seeing any signs in themselves. But now that dormant infection is becoming virulent, active and the signs of dysfunction are now clearly evident in the thinking patterns and actions of the victim. So how does the victim respond to their introduction to the bizarre, surreal world they have been suddenly thrown into? Well the first order of business is to get answers and figure out what was really true and what was false during the years or decades spent with the narcissist. Of course the narc may just walk away from the relationship and go no contact and that means very few answers are coming from the narcissist. In fact any “help” the narc gives you on your quest for the truth will probably just be more disinformation in and effort to disorient you further so that you never see the truth of what happened. Yes the narcissist already had contingency plans and simply put those plans into action. Part of the preparation was a labyrinth of pre-planned lies to totally confuse and wear down their partner so that the partner would never know what was actually going on in the relationship. The victim will be able to get many answers, but at a certain point there has to be a realization and acceptance that most of what went on in the narc's head and a good deal of what they were doing while on their own, away from their partner, will never be known by the victim. The answers that are helpful will come from an awareness of narcissism as well as self-awareness, the victim understanding of how they were vulnerable to and targeted by the narcissist. Yes answers will come and the truth will be revealed but it takes work and effort. The narcissist will never be of any use whatsoever in the healing process. So the victim works on themselves and makes a great deal of progress but they are still confronted with more cognitive dissonance and this is the long term form or the second type as described previously. So what is going on inside the victim in this second type of cognitive dissonance? Well in this case the victim is confronted with the conflicting emotions of still deeply loving and caring for their previous partner and wanting to be with them and simultaneously they have deep rage and anger for that narc, view the ex partner as their greatest enemy, someone dangerous and to be avoided. So yes this is definitely cognitive dissonance and the whole concept of loving and hating someone, wanting them in your arms and no where near you at the same time is illogical. It makes no sense at all. But the sequence of events that led you to this point are the direct result of the fraud that was perpetrated upon you by the narcissist. It is the result of you loving a person that never existed and being totally repulsed by the creature that was the real person lurking behind that mask. So we get back to our goal, our journey back to inner integration and it now becomes clear that that cognitive dissonance is one of our greatest sources of turmoil. We have placed our finger on a key area that needs to be worked on and is holding us back. So how can we reverse this situation? Well, we start by realizing and continually emphasizing to ourselves that the person we loved never existed, that our feelings of love are misplaced and even though love is meant to be forever and not meant to be turned off in this case it is critical for us to kill that aberrant love. We need to do this before we get into another relationship, or we may never really be in the position to truly invest ourselves into another person and that is our ultimate goal. The second part of our aberrant thinking is the rage and anger and the urge to seek vengeance and those emotions are absolutely appropriate, but by the same token they are toxic and they are a roadblock to our recovery and they prevent us from enjoying peace. So for that reason the rage and urge to seek vengeance has to be fought and eliminated. Yes, that virus was inside of us throughout the relationship, going ever deeper into our cells and almost becoming a part of our DNA. It was a part of us and it seemed natural, almost normal for us to have that virus. The virus seemed harmless enough but to outsiders the effects of that chronic infection were becoming more and more obvious. Then the virus became virulent and brought us to our knees and we could no longer deny that there was something wrong, that we were infected with a pathogen, a malignant pathogen that was incompatible with living a normal life. We were forced to seek a cure. Some of us treated the symptoms and got relief but it was never long lasting. That cognitive dissonance was just being masked. But true healing requires us to treat the cause of our problems. Yes, to truly heal we need to treat that virus, eliminate it from the body fully and that means focusing on eliminating those toxic thoughts that are the result of the incalculable treachery and cruelty inflicted upon us by the narcissist. Yes, that rage and the incredibly dark emotions that you never experienced before that narc abuse have to be acknowledged then eliminated, given to God and disavowed. As we eliminate those toxic thoughts and emotions more will come to the surface and each and every time those toxins need to be purged. It will take time, but eventually the poison will be fully out of our systems. It is then that life can begin again and you can put that narcissist and their toxicity into the garbage bin of history. After all we are dwellers in the light. Yes the world tells us it is cool to be dark and the narc byes into this lie hook line and sinker. But that darkness is nothing to boast about and the reality of that attitude has pretty dire consequences. Eternal consequences. No Joke. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.

The Choices That Narcissists Make: There is an ongoing debate as to what causes narcissism and the desire to come up with the ultimate answer leads some people to decide that a narcissist is born that way while others place an emphasis on the environment the narcissist grows up in and believe that to be the cause. This is the debate between nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). The problem is the fact that each person is different and every environment is different meaning that no one answer can be applied to any one individual. The truth is that the final outcome that produces the covert pathological narcissist is a “team effort” of nature and nurture. In some narcs the cause may be nearly all nature in others nearly all nurture in yet others it is a more equal combination of the two. The cluster of pathological traits that includes narcissism is a subject of intense study among mental health professionals, but the safe conclusion to come to as to what causes narcissism is that both genetic predisposition and environment play a role. Here is a brief clip of a ted x talk presented by Simon Baron Cohen to explain the role nature and environment play in empathy, a link to the video is in the description: Yes, we do need to go to a narcissist's childhood especially the first five years of life to try to pinpoint the cause of the narcissism. Yes, we have to take into account the responsibility of the parent and we have to see if there is any possible culpability on the child's end as well. The ultimate “blame”, the person primarily responsible for the unfortunate creation of an adult covert narcissist can rest on the shoulders of the parent or the child, or be split almost exactly in half. Yes, variable variability is not something most people are comfortable with. A clear cut answer makes life easier for everyone, but it isn't always helpful if we want to truly understand what is going on that produces these demonic creatures we call covert narcissists. Yes, there is a spiritual cause as well, but today we will try to look at the observable facts and try to at least get a better idea of the origins of covert narcissism. Now a recent study of psychopathy and patterns in child behavior looking at the parent child relationship looked at exactly that. Is the child to blame for the parents not responding properly or are the parents responsible for the child not responding properly. The results are eye opening and confirm the above statement that the causes of dysfunctional adults is a complex one. Let's just listen to a few key moments of this ted x talk given by Luna Centifanti. a link to this video is in the description: So what does this mean in layman's terms? My interpretation is this: that sometimes the child is the actual cause of the parents being unable to properly train the child and other times it is the parents that are to blame for the child becoming a dysfunctional adult. Now again we must take into account the element of variable variability. Yes, there is a constant interaction between the child and the parent in those critical formative years before the age of 5, but the data can be analyzed so that a general conclusion can be made. Again to keep it simple, sometimes the parents share the larger portion of responsibility, “are to blame” and sometimes the largest part of the dysfunction is actually due to the personality of the child, “the child is to blame”. The other possibility, that sometimes the blame can be equally attributed to the parents and to the child is also to be expected since these scenarios and the actual people that were studied are all on a spectrum. So, how does this apply to the covert pathological narcissist? Well it all boils down to the decisions the narcissist makes starting as early as we can go, to the very first decision a child makes. We have all heard of stubborn and hard to handle children as well as children that are compliant and “easy”. That already shows us that the genetic predisposition of a child plays an important role in the final product that is a narcissistic adult. Regardless of if the narcissist has neglectful or loving parents, strict or lenient parents the ultimate outcome of narcissism always starts with a behavior pattern, a decision of how to respond to a situation that the environment presents the narcissist with. So the origins of narcissism can then begin to come into focus, become clear. The narcissist is a person who never takes others into account, has no compassion or empathy and considers themselves more important than anyone else. The narc has developed a pattern of behavior where they no longer have any qualms about lying. The narc has developed a behavior pattern that has continually eroded their empathy to the point where they have little or no empathy. The narc has continually ignored their conscience to the point where it became calloused and then seared, so again the conscience is in effect non existent. Yes, in short the narcissist is a bad person, an evil person and they became that way by continually indulging in bad and evil behavior throughout their lives. The narc became someone who doesn't have a shred of decency. There is no doubt that many an adult narcissist can no longer help themselves because they are so locked into the cycle of lying, duplicity, treachery and deceit. They can't help but destroy those around them. Some people will argue that narcissists do need our understanding, or that we should just avoid them and just not make ourselves vulnerable to them. How does that even take into account that the covert narcissist purposely hides their true self and is an expert at deception? That doesn't even take into account that most people are unaware of covert narcissism and that the narcissist by design is a predator that purposely seeks out their victims. So isn't it really giving these narcissistic beasts a little more slack than they deserve to say that they can't help themselves? How can we even take the outrageous claim that they don't know what they are doing, don't know right from wrong seriously? Rest assured the narcissist knows exactly what they are doing and if they can't help themselves it is for one reason and one reason alone: they always refused to make the right choice whenever given the opportunity. Yes they made the wrong, the evil choice every single time with very few exceptions. Let's be very clear: the narcissist is an adult and they are responsible to be an adult so do they really have any excuse at all? No they do not, they have no excuse whatsoever. So we go back in time to childhood development and look into the past of any narcissist, we go to the day that they had enough awareness to make a choice. The choice to listen to someone, in this case their parent, give authority to someone that was greater than themselves or to refuse, usurp the authority and do it their way. As the child grew, the choice to do right or wrong was given them countless times and each time they did it their way right or wrong. Whether that parent was a responsible parent or and irresponsible parent is almost irrelevant. We are focusing on the narcissist and the narcissist alone. Yes, there was a point where the narc had to listen to a reasonable demand from their parent or decide not to listen and rebel, to stiffen their neck. As the child got older there were more and more complex choices to make, more sophisticated choices to make, but the narc simply became more sophisticated in their rebellion and lack of concern for what was right or wrong. As the narc became an adult and needed employment they began understanding the necessity of giving the appearance of listening, but they covertly never really gave up an ounce of authority to another human being. Similarly in relationships the narcissist realized the necessity of giving the appearance of concern and of being cooperative and willing to compromise. Yes, that was necessary to get a foot in the door, Once the relationship was locked in, the narc gradually and insidiously began taking full control. The general overview of the narcissist gives us a picture of a person who was addicted from early childhood to get it their way, never feeling the need to give any other human being authority, never feeling the need to live by the standards of decency, of “right and wrong” that broader society had agreed upon. Yes the narc understood the importance, the necessity of appearing to live by the rules, appearing to believe that it was important to do the good, the right thing, but underneath it all the narc was never really going to relinquish an ounce of having things their way. On the inside of that narcissist the rules were very clear cut. The world revolves around the narcissist. The narcissist reigns in that world, is the supreme being who makes all moral judgments upon their own actions and the actions of others. The narc is the judge and the narcissist's judgment is final, no mercy. The people that the narc comes in contact with are merely there for the use of the narcissist. These people have no sovereignty or rights, only the narcissist has rights and only the narcissist's needs are important. So now we begin to see that the narcissist never had any problems making their choices. Choices such as: Do I tell the truth or do I lie? Do I steal because I can get away with it or do I walk away? Do I “turn the other cheek” or get even at all costs? The list is endless, but the point to be made is that at every stage of development, every choice the narcissist encountered they almost always chose the easiest way, what was best for them and them alone, never even really considering what was the right or “moral” thing to do. Never considering the effects their choices might have on other human beings. Yes the narcissist certainly appeared to be an adult and certainly learned to make themselves sound and look reasonable and even moral. But sadly this was all an act and even more sadly their victims were fully deceived by that mask, the act the narcissist put on. Because the narcissist had no moral compass, no outside authority this led to a pattern of decisions, of “choices” that were increasingly less and less moral. Yes the choice to be evil was the exact result, the consequence, the culmination of a lifetime of the narc having it their way. That route never even took into account anyone else in their environment. The narc's path of selfishness was a long road with ever increasing covertness and sophistication, to the point where a narcissist's selfishness could literally appear as an act of altruism to the uninformed public. Those who are aware are no longer deceived, but most of the world will just take that “kind”, “noble”, “gracious”, “generous”, “compassionate”, “empathetic”, “genuine”, ”humble” narcissist on face value. But not those who are awake, they know the truth of what lurks beneath the mask: for the narcissist it was always all about them and them alone. So, if you want to ultimately judge ANY human being, every single human on this planet is the result of a myriad of choices that were made each and every moment of their lives. In a way the final result, the “adult” that we are presented with is the final “product”, the final exam result so far of all of the choices we have made in our lives. Yes the narcissist is a resounding failure as a human being and perhaps even a grade of “F” is too lenient a judgment. But the scale will never go to the depths that would be necessary to give the narcissist the true grade they deserve. Yes, the narc is far worse than just a failure as a human being, they are the source of so much suffering and multiple other failures of all of the people that they have come in contact with. The beginning of this video spoke about nature and nurture and those subjects are very important and necessary to take into account. But here is the narcissist's problem: they ARE an adult, and there comes a point in every person's life when they reach an age of accountability, when they ARE responsible for their words and actions and how they treat others. They are responsible for all that they say and do. Yes the narc will deny that fact to themselves and to the world and believe that it is possible for them to do as they please and NEVER grow up or develop any level of emotional maturity. How is this even possible? Well, the narcissist fails to understand that they are NOT the center of the world and they simply can't comprehend that in order to coexist with others they have to give those other people the possibility of sometimes having things to their liking and make others more important than themselves. Despite all of the complexity it really boils down to this simple fact: The narcissist is a bad person who is aware that they are doing bad things and there is never really any excuse whatsoever for being a bad person. Whether that narcissist had a bad upbringing and is emulating the duplicity and treachery that they learned by observing their parents, or the narc simply became that way due to the parents allowing them to indulge in their strong willed stiff necked attitude of self entitlement it is all the same. Yes the narcissist may have some excuses for being a narcissist, but there is never any excuse for being a bad, an evil person. The narcissist does know better. The narcissist knows how to be kind to people and considerate. After all they did exactly that when they first ensnared their victim during the mirroring-idealization phase of a relationship. They are always impeccably kind and respectful on their social sites and in any public function. But those who know the narcissist behind closed doors have a very different story to tell. The story of a selfish self centered beast that hasn't got an ounce of respect or decency. The narcissist knows right from wrong. The narcissist chooses to do the wrong thing, to be evil, and that takes us back to our original conclusion: the narcissist is the result, the aggregate of all of the wrong and questionable decisions that they have made throughout their lives. Yes they may have had poor parenting that didn't give the right example, yes they may have been subject to abuse, or perhaps it was the opposite. They had parents that let them “do as they pleased” and overindulged them. It really doesn't matter at all. At some point the narcissist had their own choice to do right or wrong, good or bad and at each and every opportunity to do the right thing they chose the opposite. Yes they are adults, they are responsible and they have locked themselves in to bad behavior, but ultimately as an adult they have NO excuse whatsoever. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you. REFERENCES 1. The erosion of empathy | Simon Baron Cohen | TEDxHousesofParliament

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXcU8x_xK18 2. Psychopathy and Patterns in Child Behaviour | Luna Centifanti | TEDxDurhamUniversity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcUp8TOXC_4 An Additional useful video: 3. From Saints to Sociopaths: Dopamine and Decisions | Nadine Kabbani | TEDxGeorgeMasonU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8w_0sZ97Bc

Reprogramming Yourself After Narcissist Abuse: Narcissist abuse is deep seated and ends up infiltrating every aspect of your mind and emotions. The toxicity gets into areas of our being that we don't have access to and that we aren't even totally aware of, our subconscious mind and the emotions and thoughts that exist there. That toxicity can be likened to a flood where nearly raw sewage stays in a house for weeks and then when the flood waters recede there is damage that goes far beyond what is visible and some of that damage may take months and years to fully become evident. So the homeowner is left with two decisions: 1 try to rebuild the house that we have an emotional attachment to, tearfully discarding all of our precious memories such as family photos and keepsakes that we have cherished over the years and that are no longer salvageable or, 2 making the very difficult decision that NOTHING is salvageable and literally starting from scratch. Yes that home that you lived in for years, maybe decades, possibly most of your life, seemed very comfortable and it contains many fond memories, but the unfortunate reality is that that home is no longer inhabitable, it is filled with toxicity, mold that if inhaled for long enough will result in your death. So you are now forced to walk away, renew, rebuild. That is the dilemma the narcissist abuse victim has, the difficult decision of either rebuilding or walking away and that decision is different for every individual since the reality is that no two individuals and no two combinations of individuals are ever the same. It isn't always a clear cut decision, but for most of us that have gazed into the abyss of evil that is at the core of a pathological narcissist, the decision is sharply defined and obvious, but we still hesitate debating the pros and cons of rebuilding. Yes, an outsider sees the obvious, that sewer washed home with rotting beams and a destroyed foundation gutted of its moldy drywall is never going to be inhabitable again and yet we victims can't and won't see the obvious. Why? Well it goes back to our subconscious thoughts and emotions. That fantasy world the narc created, the one you lived in for so long is still very much alive in the areas of your heart and mind, emotions and thoughts that aren't consciously accessible and you simply aren't aware of that fact. So the victim can't make a clear decision at all because that inner being of theirs' that they aren't aware of is clouding their judgment. Add to all of that the incredible resentment that some victims have to deal with due to incredible physical and mental cruelty and it becomes clear why some people can take years and decades making very little progress. Yes, getting rid of that resentment and walking away from that beloved house, the mind palace that was either a dilapidated shack or a house of horrors is absolutely essential. Yes walking away is the hardest thing but in a relationship with no bonds of marriage or children we need to face that reality and consider ourselves fortunate. Nothing in that now destroyed dwelling ever had any real value and was never really meant to last. Every one of those cherished mementos in the environment you once considered home and even the home itself was toxic, fake and phony through and through. Do you understand the absurdity of actually debating the pros and cons of rebuilding or walking away? The answer is very obvious. Walk away! So how do we get out of this cycle, this endless cycle of debating whether to jump back into that toxic cesspool or not? We need to consciously take control of our lives and we need to understand that the subconscious part of us, the part that has all of the insight and is far more intelligent than we are consciously, has been corrupted with a virus. Yes, theoretically you could probably change everything about yourself and alter even the core of your being, your belief system, everything that you hold near and dear and totally reprogram yourself, but that is not what the goal is here. We want to retain the core of our being, our beliefs, all that is good about us and makes us who we are and simply eliminate that toxic virus. To do this a second metaphor will be useful, that of a computer effected by a virus. When faced with a virus that has infiltrated our computer unfortunately sometimes the operating system has to be backed up and every file and folder and program that was present before that computer crash occurred has to be carefully preserved, or maybe if you had a backup, restore that computer to an earlier time, a time before the virus, the narcissist, was downloaded. Yes there may have been some corrupted files and viruses before the narcissist and maybe we want to eliminate some of those as well, but we really don't want to over-complicate things. Remember, we are avoiding doing a fresh install of the operating system and wiping everything clean. We want to retain as much of the useful data as is possible. So yes you know the day, date, and hour that you first encountered that virus and that is where the search will begin. Bear in mind we are using two metaphors here. We have already decided that that sewer infested home with all that was in it is not salvageable. We have made a firm commitment to walk away. The computer analogy is simply the process of beginning the rebuilding process of a new dwelling. Back to the computer. It is up to us to build a firm reliable foundation for the rest of our existence, so now is the time to eliminate that virus and not allow it to infect the new or renewed computer. So we carefully transfer every safe file, folder and program, every one of them that was good and solid, verifiably genuine and uncorrupted and transfer them to the new computer. We jettison all of the files that may have contained that virus no matter how useful they were. If we are really in need of that program, such as a video making program, we isolate that program until we are sure it is safe. We carefully rebuild and back up each successful configuration of that computer of ours, gradually getting back all of the functionality previous to the narcissist. Yes, along the way we may decide that some previous programs that we had are best not reloaded onto the new computer, but that is not essential. The important thing is to purge the narcissistic virus once and for all. So what does all of the above mean in the real world, the world of the victim? Well the victim has to isolate all of the toxicity in their life and realize that much of that toxicity exists in the inaccessible portion of their mind. So what is the victim to do? There are numerous ways to reprogram the subconscious, but I will give you the Christian version, those who want to take the secular approach are welcome to do so. Those secular approaches include meditation, subliminal messages, creating metaphors to try and define the situation you are in, music, changing your brain's alpha waves, visualization, repetition, using a peak positive occurrence in your life as an anchor event, etc. I will not be interested in any of these methods, I consider them potentially dangerous and will not recommend them. So let's approach this situation from a Christian perspective and keep things very simple. 1. Learn to pray to God Get on your knees and humble yourself and begin a daily prayer time for yourself. That is the quickest way to start reprogramming your way of thinking by reinforcing the fact that God, not you are in control. James MacDonald of Walk in the Word gave a comprehensive series of sermons on how to pray. We should realize the importance of prayer and using that prayer as a way of understanding God's purpose for our lives not giving God commands. 2. Yes we want to eat right, get adequate sleep, and certainly rekindle our connection to the Creator, Almighty God not just in prayer, but as an integral part of our daily existence. 3. We need to isolate the resentment and need for vengeance and again remember that God will do a much better job of repaying that narcissist than we could ever do. God commands us to stay out of His way, make room for Him so that the narcissist can get the proper reward for their treachery and evil. Make no mistake at all the narcissist will pay for every ounce of what they did to you with one exception, if they give the huge debt they owe to Jesus and He will relieve them of their debt. But that requires the narcissist to genuinely submit to God. The chances of that are slim to none, but again that is not our problem. We just want that narcissist, every last vestige of them out of our lives. When thoughts of vengeance, anger, hostility arise we continually have to affirm to ourselves, “vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord”. Eventually that thinking will override the subconscious need for settling the score or getting even. 4. We have to break that false notion that the narcissist ingrained into us that we had a lifetime partner that would be there for us forever. That person we loved and that we still subconsciously want back in our lives NEVER existed. So every time we have those feelings of nostalgia we need to remember the true nature of narcissism and the reality of what was going on in their minds. Just to cover some of the highlights lets go down a brief list. The narcissist never loved and never cared about you. The person you loved was a false persona, a mask with no substance below the surface. 5. We have to realize that the bright future together that you visualized in your mind and somehow were always frustrated by the narcissist from achieving, was nothing more than future faking. The narc purposely made it seem like that paradise was just over the horizon then surreptitiously threw up roadblocks to achieving that paradise. Yes the narc blamed you for the roadblocks, but let's be clear the narc is without a doubt the one that placed them there. So you need to continually tell yourself that that endorphin producing thought process of being in bliss by thinking of your life with that narcissist is nothing more than crack cocaine. It warps your thinking and is literally a dysfunctional addiction. Keep on telling yourself that you are not dealing with reality when those flights of fancy occur in your mind. 6. We have to analyze our time with the narcissist and reinterpret all of what occurred in that relationship but more specifically we have to stop blaming ourselves. Yes, the narc left and on top of all of that they made you feel like you were the one to blame. Think about the reality. The narcissist accused you of being fake and disloyal while they are the ones that were in a new relationship and left you behind without a single opportunity to understand or defend yourself and with no explanation. The narcissist lies through their teeth and then accuses you of being a liar. The list goes on. Bottom line once you see clearly what was going on in that relationship you can clearly see who the perpetrator and who the victim was. So every time your subconscious brings up that you should blame yourself, keep on reminding it of the reality. Use facts, don't give in to those wrong thoughts. 7. We have to take the narcissist off of the high horse, the pedestal that we put them on. No the narcissist was NOT a paragon of virtue. No they weren't ever faithful or loyal, and yes they lied about you being the only true love of their life. Not only were you NOT the only true love of their life in fact the narc NEVER loved you at all. The narc never had honorable intentions towards you, the narc never cared, the narc was not good for you, the narc never really made you feel good about yourself, the narc never built you up, they were constantly tearing you down, the narc was your great misfortune not your fortune. 8. We have to stop wondering about what the narc is doing and projecting our genuine love, loyalty, and concern onto the narcissist. We have to come to grips with the harsh reality that the narc stopped thinking about us long before they formally left the relationship. We have to come to grips with the reality that the narc could care less about what we are doing. They don't think about us at all, they have tired of the relationship since they now have someone new, and that is the narc's entire focus. The narc we loved is dead, they have transformed themselves into someone new as they mirror the new person in their lives. We are a waste of the narcissist's time, they wouldn't even give us a cup of water if we were stranded in a desert and it could save our lives. Remember it is hard for an em path to comprehend this, but the narc is literally only concerned about themselves and themselves alone. So let's summarize. Again all of the above things become obvious over time, if we do the work to try and understand, or are immediately obvious to us consciously, but we need to repeat then to ourselves again and again so that our subconscious finally understands. Yes we need to reprogram that subconscious of ours. Although that subconscious mind is much more intelligent than our conscious mind, it is quite naive. It is up to us to continually correct that subconscious mind until it finally realizes the error of it's ways. How will you know if you have begun the reprogramming process? That is easy enough. When your subconscious stops telling you what a wonderful environment that unsalvageable, flood ravaged home is. When your subconscious stops telling you how wonderful that narcissist and your life together was and would one day be. When you see that narcissist not as a beautiful or handsome angel, but you see then for what they really are, a hideous beast that you have to turn your gaze away from. When those thoughts of vengeance, anger, and rage dissipate as you give them to God each and every time. When you start thinking clearly and there is positivity in your life and your attitude once again. When joy returns and you have gotten yourself back. When you are whole inside and you feel your own presence and hopefully also the presence of the Holy Spirit, God in your life. So the bottom line is this. You can tell what is going on in your subconscious mind very easily since it is the source of all of the dysfunctional thinking that still binds you to that unsalvageable relationship with the narcissist. We reprogram that subconscious by gently, carefully and continually showing it the error of its ways. Success is achieved when the subconscious finally agrees with what any outsider can clearly see. Whether it be a house beyond repair or a narcissist, an outsider can clearly smell the sewage, can clearly see the ugly results of flood damage and clearly sees that the victim has to move on. If you can't see that yet in your life that is not your fault, but it is my sincerest hope that you gently remind your subconscious that it is not thinking rationally and hopefully you will begin the process of healing yourself. Remember, it wasn't your fault what happened to you, you were taken off of the path of life and were led to a dead end. It is now time to renew your relationship with God and humbly admit that you are lost and rely on God's guidance to return you to the world of light. You made a mistake, it wasn't all your fault. In fact very little, if any of that nightmare was your fault. Some of us may not have done things God's way but we had honorable intentions, we were sincere and we made a lifetime commitment to that narcissist. The narcissist broke that trust and misrepresented themselves and their intentions. Not you. The narcissist never loved you, the narcissist was never loyal to you no matter how many times they told you of their loyalty. The narc was in it for the thrill and they told you anything that you needed to hear, made any promise necessary to gain your confidence. Became anything they needed to become to convince you they were your soul mate. The narc got bored when they achieved their goal and bagged yet another victim. In the end it was simply a game for the narcissist. A game that was deadly serious for the victim, but the narcissist never cared and was never serious. The narcissist only cares about one person, that creature that stares at them in the mirror every morning. So yes think about it. That narcissist has to look at themselves and lie to themselves every single day, they have to deny reality 24 7 and they have to live in that hollow shell of theirs. An environment devoid of love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, creativity, peace, contentment. A barren lifeless environment with chaotic eddies of turmoil, rage, resentment, envy, duplicity, debauchery, fear, treachery, and unbridled lust to get whatever meets there eye as soon as possible with no delay. The narc has to expend enormous amounts of energy to convince themselves and others of all of the lies they are maintaining. Quite an expenditure of energy to obtain negative results. Do you really want to still believe that sewage dump was a paradise? Your subconscious may cling to that notion but you can see the truth very clearly. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.