Cognitive Dissonance and the Recovering Narcissist Abuse Victim: Cognitive dissonance can have a number of different meanings but for the purposes of our discussion we will define it in two ways: 1 when a person is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values and 2 when a person has two opposing thoughts that contradict each other and shouldn't be logically present in the same person. Cognitive dissonance is oftentimes the aftermath of our encounter with a covert narcissist and it disrupts a person's internal consistency or you could call it mental and emotional integration. The return to internal integration, regaining consistency in our thoughts and emotions is one of the key goals of recovering from narc abuse. It marks a return to sanity after living in the world of insanity that the narcissist surrounded us with. How does this play out for the victim or target? Well, the first cause of cognitive dissonance is something that happens to the target while in the relationship with a narcissist. What happens is that for whatever reason the narcissist's mask slips off, most likely due to some sort of trauma or stress that occurs while in the presence of their partner and all of the sudden the narcissist literally becomes a different person that the narc's partner has never known before. This can be quite shocking because many a victim that has been in a long term relationship with a narc has had numerous suspicions that mounted during the course of the relationship, and yet that victim was all too ready to accept the tenuous explanations that the narcissist gave. But then all of the sudden that mask slips off and years of accumulating doubts and suspicions are suddenly confirmed and the extent of the fraud that was perpetrated against the victim comes clearly into focus. In an instant the victim understands completely that the partner they are with was not the person they presented themselves to be. The overload of this sudden realization that their partner is not who they believed them to be creates the first type of cognitive dissonance for the victim. The course of the next few days after the incidence of the unmasking can push the narcissist into a corner, making the narcissist even further unmask themselves. In some instances the vicious creature that comes from under that mask is almost unimaginable for that person's partner. Yes this creates deep emotional wounds, and the inner integration of the victim, the victim's view of their entire world is literally made illogical. Yes the victim has been made situationally insane. The mind is thrown into turmoil and needs to regain it's sanity, it's equilibrium. That means that a normal sane person wants their ideas of their world, their place in the world, and their opinion of their place in the world to all be consistent with reality. Yes that is the definition of sanity and a sane person is continually doing their best to see themselves, their world and their relationship to that world in as clear and accurate a way as possible. The narcissist's brand of dysfunction is the exact opposite. The narc has a totally inaccurate, skewed, warped sense of themselves and how they relate to their environment. So the narcissist actually seeks out and thrives in that fantasy world that bears only a very slight resemblance to reality. So, in effect that warped thinking is now foisted upon the victim and that cognitive dissonance is not what a sane human being wants to live with. Yes, in a sense the victim was already infected with the narcissist's virus without seeing any signs in themselves. But now that dormant infection is becoming virulent, active and the signs of dysfunction are now clearly evident in the thinking patterns and actions of the victim. So how does the victim respond to their introduction to the bizarre, surreal world they have been suddenly thrown into? Well the first order of business is to get answers and figure out what was really true and what was false during the years or decades spent with the narcissist. Of course the narc may just walk away from the relationship and go no contact and that means very few answers are coming from the narcissist. In fact any “help” the narc gives you on your quest for the truth will probably just be more disinformation in and effort to disorient you further so that you never see the truth of what happened. Yes the narcissist already had contingency plans and simply put those plans into action. Part of the preparation was a labyrinth of pre-planned lies to totally confuse and wear down their partner so that the partner would never know what was actually going on in the relationship. The victim will be able to get many answers, but at a certain point there has to be a realization and acceptance that most of what went on in the narc's head and a good deal of what they were doing while on their own, away from their partner, will never be known by the victim. The answers that are helpful will come from an awareness of narcissism as well as self-awareness, the victim understanding of how they were vulnerable to and targeted by the narcissist. Yes answers will come and the truth will be revealed but it takes work and effort. The narcissist will never be of any use whatsoever in the healing process. So the victim works on themselves and makes a great deal of progress but they are still confronted with more cognitive dissonance and this is the long term form or the second type as described previously. So what is going on inside the victim in this second type of cognitive dissonance? Well in this case the victim is confronted with the conflicting emotions of still deeply loving and caring for their previous partner and wanting to be with them and simultaneously they have deep rage and anger for that narc, view the ex partner as their greatest enemy, someone dangerous and to be avoided. So yes this is definitely cognitive dissonance and the whole concept of loving and hating someone, wanting them in your arms and no where near you at the same time is illogical. It makes no sense at all. But the sequence of events that led you to this point are the direct result of the fraud that was perpetrated upon you by the narcissist. It is the result of you loving a person that never existed and being totally repulsed by the creature that was the real person lurking behind that mask. So we get back to our goal, our journey back to inner integration and it now becomes clear that that cognitive dissonance is one of our greatest sources of turmoil. We have placed our finger on a key area that needs to be worked on and is holding us back. So how can we reverse this situation? Well, we start by realizing and continually emphasizing to ourselves that the person we loved never existed, that our feelings of love are misplaced and even though love is meant to be forever and not meant to be turned off in this case it is critical for us to kill that aberrant love. We need to do this before we get into another relationship, or we may never really be in the position to truly invest ourselves into another person and that is our ultimate goal. The second part of our aberrant thinking is the rage and anger and the urge to seek vengeance and those emotions are absolutely appropriate, but by the same token they are toxic and they are a roadblock to our recovery and they prevent us from enjoying peace. So for that reason the rage and urge to seek vengeance has to be fought and eliminated. Yes, that virus was inside of us throughout the relationship, going ever deeper into our cells and almost becoming a part of our DNA. It was a part of us and it seemed natural, almost normal for us to have that virus. The virus seemed harmless enough but to outsiders the effects of that chronic infection were becoming more and more obvious. Then the virus became virulent and brought us to our knees and we could no longer deny that there was something wrong, that we were infected with a pathogen, a malignant pathogen that was incompatible with living a normal life. We were forced to seek a cure. Some of us treated the symptoms and got relief but it was never long lasting. That cognitive dissonance was just being masked. But true healing requires us to treat the cause of our problems. Yes, to truly heal we need to treat that virus, eliminate it from the body fully and that means focusing on eliminating those toxic thoughts that are the result of the incalculable treachery and cruelty inflicted upon us by the narcissist. Yes, that rage and the incredibly dark emotions that you never experienced before that narc abuse have to be acknowledged then eliminated, given to God and disavowed. As we eliminate those toxic thoughts and emotions more will come to the surface and each and every time those toxins need to be purged. It will take time, but eventually the poison will be fully out of our systems. It is then that life can begin again and you can put that narcissist and their toxicity into the garbage bin of history. After all we are dwellers in the light. Yes the world tells us it is cool to be dark and the narc byes into this lie hook line and sinker. But that darkness is nothing to boast about and the reality of that attitude has pretty dire consequences. Eternal consequences. No Joke. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.