Misconceptions About the Narcissist Relationship That Prevent the Victim From Healing: The target of narcissist abuse that has been used and then discarded can oftentimes have great difficulty in letting go of the thought of that relationship. This is both by the design of the narcissist and by the false conception in the target's mind that that time they spent with the narcissist was an actual relationship. Make no mistake the relationship was very real for the victim and the victim had all of the emotions any normal person would have in a normal relationship. What was missing is that the narc was never in that relationship at all. The narc never invested themselves into the relationship and never reciprocated that relationship to their partner. The narc was with that target solely for the purpose of getting a new experience, gathering new material for their next new false persona and most important of all getting the target primed so that they could draw out all of that person's energy for themselves. So the narcissist certainly also called that a relationship but the narc's definition of a relationship is clearly NOT a relationship at all, it is merely a contract to allow mining of the victim's resources with the false promise of future gain. So in some ways this parallels the exploitation of the resources of third world countries. Somehow that promise of prosperity for allowing a more powerful nation or a corporation to take the resources never actually materializes into any tangible benefits for the citizens of that country. So yes, the narc calls their victimization of the target a relationship but it is clear it is no relationship at all on the narcissist's part. The victim certainly sees their time with a narc in the conventional way and treats that experience as an actual relationship. No, we aren't blaming the victim, since we have to keep in mind that in the mirroring idealization phase there were actual tangible evidences of a relationship but with the gradual, imperceptible erosion of those beneficial experiences in the devaluation phase, the target was eventually brought into a world of turmoil and uncertainty. By then the victim was well committed to that narc and there was no choice but to maintain hope by accepting promises of future prosperity and happiness. Yes the narc actually encouraged that line of thinking. All the victim needed to do was try a little harder and when those goals were nearly achieved the narc simply moved the goalposts. Yes, at that point the victim was hooked and the narc had free reign to call all of the shots. No this wasn't a relationship but the victim was now in a deep fog and totally disconnected from reality and accepting this farce of a relationship as the genuine item. So yes, the target goes through the cycle of idealization-mirroring, devaluation, and final discard never seeing any of it. They are locked into the false notion that this relationship with that narc is a genuine one, a union where there partner views that relationship the same way that they do and that is the first misconception: the misconception that you are in a reciprocal relationship. Yes it is a relationship but a one-sided one, a relationship where only the target is actually treating it as such and investing the effort. The next misconception is that the target, viewing that time with the narc as an actual relationship believes wholeheartedly that that narc was brought into their life for a reason. Yes, a religious person who was waiting for over a decade for God to bring someone to them would naturally view that narc as an answer to their prayer. That is of course not the case, but after the discard the victim still has much confusion trying to understand the meaning of that narcissist in their lives. Sadly this confusion can go on for months years and even decades if the victim never finally comes to the realization that the relationship was not a relationship at all. Yes, the false notion that their experience with the narcissist was an actual relationship is a major roadblock on the journey to a full recovery and as such needs to be overcome with the light of truth. So a target might think “ Why did God allow this person into my life if not for a relationship?” “The minute that person walked through the door it was predestined that we would be together so how could this not be God's will?” Well here is the key to understanding this confusing scenario. Practically speaking, that narc wasn't a person that came into your life, they were a tragedy, a natural disaster that destroyed your life like a tornado, flood, earthquake, illness, mugging, rape, assault, etc. but in slow motion. The fact that this tragedy came upon the victim in the form of something that resembled a relationship is where the problem lies. Yes it looked like the narcissist cared, yes the victim was experiencing all of the emotions of a genuine relationship and to outsiders it also looked like a genuine relationship. So the target could be forgiven for not understanding why that relationship happened to them. Why did that relationship really occur? What was really going on? That narc was looking for a target. They were going to find someone and just like a wolf or tiger on the prowl or any other predator they were looking at the herd and specifically targeting the weak and the vulnerable. The young, the old, and the injured. So in a sense the narc saw that vulnerability in the target and couldn't help themselves. Let's be clear the vulnerabilities in the victim, empathy, the ability to care about and genuinely love others, and a selfless attitude were hardly a weaknesses but they are vulnerabilities and the narc had carefully honed their skills to take advantage of a person who cared, who trusted others, and believed the best of those around them. Yes, the narc could take full advantage of every one of those character traits. So here is the real core of the argument: that flood, that tornado, that earthquake, they never masqueraded as anything that was good, as anything that you might want to look back on and be happy about. Those tragedies, as bad as they were, were at least honest and presented themselves as what they actually were: a tragedy plain and simple. No sugar coating. And because those tragedies presented themselves as what they actually were, as negative occurrences, they could be overcome more easily. The next misconception on the part of the target is that their genuine love for the narcissist was something the narcissist valued and more importantly the target's love was something that the narcissist never had before, that somehow the target's love was “special”. Yes, the target put a huge effort into understanding the narcissist, trying to understand why the narc was always unhappy, in turmoil and plagued. Trying to fathom why the narc was always saying they weren't going to a good place. Trying to find a way to build a lasting, stable relationship with that narc. Accepting that narc unconditionally with all of their flaws. The flaws that only started showing up in the devaluation phase and seemed to grow exponentially as the relationship ran it's course. Yes, the victim was convinced that the narc simply needed one person that would hold on and not give up on them and finally get them to make that breakthrough and become the person that the target believed the narc could always be. Yes, the target saw the potential in that narcissist, they saw their “greatness” and that target made it their life's purpose to get that narc past all of their fears, phobias, resentments, envy, and darkness so that maybe that narc could finally achieve that greatness and have peace and stability in their lives. But here is the problem. The narcissist NEVER valued any of the love that the target gave them. The narc couldn't even appreciate that love because they didn't have the capacity to. Moreover, that love was nothing special to the narc. The narcissist may have stated you were only the second person they had ever been with, but the reality is that narc repeated this cycle of deceiving others into loving them and giving them that “special” love many times before. So here is the reality: nothing you had to offer wasn't given to the narcissist previously. The sad reality is that nothing will ever turn that narcopath around. When you start clearing up these misconceptions it becomes much easier to divorce yourself from that narcissist and that is our goal: to take every vestige of that creature out of our hearts and minds and to fully clear ourselves of every trace of those toxins that the narc infused us with. In which other ways does the victim have a unique experience that causes misconceptions and prevents closure? Well the narc can never make a clean cut so when there is the possibility for the relationship to end equitably they can't be satisfied. So the narc makes sure to traumatize and threaten the target after the relationship ends ensuring that the target will have no opportunity whatsoever to get them out of their mind. This can be called trauma bonding and of course this was the same tool that was being used by the narc throughout the post idealization phase of the relationship, but for the grand finale the narc pulled out all of the stops and became vicious beyond belief. Yes, the threats made meant the target was constantly thinking about the narc and looking over their shoulder. This created the ultimate trauma bond in the victim. Why is this done if the narc has already moved on? Well the simple answer is that the narc can't resist the urge to draw even more energy from the victim. So where does the misconception come in? Eventually the victim comes to their senses,wakes up and sees the reality of that narcissist as the loveless, calloused, cretin that they were and realizes that so called relationship was nothing but an intricately planned con and then the rage and anger begins. Well in their mind the victim-target is convinced that their resentment and anger for the narcissist will somehow actually produce justice. The victim thinks that their anger will somehow transfer to the narcissist and make that narc pay, actually feel the deep emotional pain and suffering that they have caused the victim. But sadly only the victim is really hurt by holding on to those feelings of resentment. The narc isn't effected in any way by those feelings that the victim has. If anything the narc knowing that the victim is still deeply wounded will only give the narc more energy to draw from the victim. What is the takeaway for the victim? Your victory over the narcissist occurs when you have given up that anger altogether. The anger and rage don't help you and it in no way effect the narcissist, at least not the way you would like them to. You need to remember that every time those rage producing thoughts come to mind of the cruelty perpetrated upon you by the narc, you have to fight them, you have to give yourself the truth that the narcissist is long gone and they could care less about you other than the possibility of once again torturing you and getting negative energy from you. You have only one source of relief, that is you yourself, and you have only one enemy, that is you yourself. The faster you purge that narcissist out of every atom of your mind, heart, and spirit, the sooner you get them out of your mental and emotional and physical environment the faster you will heal. That is your goal and the pathway to a full and complete recovery. So, the statement that you were never in a relationship with that narcissist solicits further clarification and discussion. We are talking about a relationship with a pathological covert narcissist, somebody who never had the ability to love their partner, somebody who never had the ability to care about their partner, somebody who was calloused and had no remorse about anything that they did to that partner and this is the key to all of the statements that we have made. It doesn't matter if you’ve been in that relationship for weeks, months, years, or decades, whether you were married to the person, whether you share children with that person, it was never a real relationship. So you might wonder why someone who never loved you would stay in the relationship for all that time. We’ve already ruled out the possibility of a love attachment or commitment or loyalty, so what is the real reason for it? Well there are many possibilities: simple economics, the social status a relationship afforded, or simply the inability to find the right replacement are just a few possibilities. We have to remember that the narcissist can always make up for the perceived deficiencies in their existing partner by filling their free time away from that partner with numerous affairs involving people of every social status and types so in a sense that marriage affords the narcissist more freedom for debauchery than they could ever achieve on their own. On to the next misconception. Some people might make the argument that the target had a lot of positive feelings for and experiences with that narcissist and that because those feelings and experiences were positive the victim should hold onto them. But the problem is these so-called positive feelings are what bind the victim to the narc and they make it difficult to let go and that is decidedly not healthy. Why else isn't it healthy to hold on to these positive feelings? After all the victim invested their heart and soul into that time of their life. Well the answer is clear: because those positive emotions that were genuine are attached to the wholehearted evil negativity and fake persona of the narcissist. In other words those positive emotions are based on a lie. Even though the victim was 100% pure in their intentions this is irrelevant. So this argument definitely doesn't make a case for a healthy way of thinking and is another clear misconception. To look at this an alternate way, the argument goes that the victim's feelings for the narcissist were good and were healthy and were pure and it therefore stands to reason that those feelings of nostalgia for their time with the narc are OK and maybe something to be held onto. Here is another way of seeing the problem with that line of thought: there are numerous drugs that will make you feel good about yourself make you feel good mentally or physically, but many of them are nothing but poison and they erode your sense of self and they eventually destroy you mentally and physically so you could hardly call those toxic products something beneficial because they made you feel good. Getting over a drug addiction and never looking back is a sign of health and similarly purging those positive emotions based on the narcissist's fake persona is also the true sign of health and recovery. Yes, nostalgia for a time of your life is usually a positive emotion, but the misguided nostalgia for the fake, phony, artificial, tragedy of a narc relationship is and absolute blight that has to be eliminated. Just remember this as well, that narcissist walked away from you and never gave you a second thought other than thinking how they could extract further energy from you. So what is the take away from all of this? How do we look back on that relationship with the narc in a way that we can heal? What is the healthy way to see that relationship? No matter how long you were in that relationship with the narcissist you should never take that situation personally anymore than you would take a flood or an accident or earthquake personally. You weren’t responsible for the flood and weren’t responsible for that earthquake and you weren’t responsible for being at the wrong place at the wrong time when that narcissist decided they needed to take their next meal and found you as a ready offering. That meal may have lasted days, weeks, months, years, decades, it’s all the same. Don’t take it personally. Yes of course there was a vulnerability that made you susceptible to the narcissist and with knowledge you have hopefully honed your skills of perception and detection and you will now never allow another narcissist to breach your defenses again. If it’s any consolation the torment, pain and emotional, mental, and physical turmoil, the chaos that the narc produced in your life will one day be felt by that narcissist in all of its strength, undiluted, because despite what the narcissist might want to believe they won’t get away with any of their treachery and they will one day pay. In full. That, or a genuine conversion. One or the other. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.