Victim Status and it’s Link to Narcissism: The term victim and it’s relationship to narcissism abuse. There is an ongoing debate about the use of the term victim with regard to someone who has been abused by a narcissist. Many seem to feel that the term victim gives power to the narcissist. In addition there is the danger that someone calling themselves a victim gets sucked into the Karpman’s triangle and becomes addicted to that way of thinking, always needing to play one of the roles in that triangle. However, when the person is functionally an actual victim, shying away from that term is really just another act of denial. When the person is in an active full-fledged all encompassing relationship with a narcissist and that narc pulls up roots very suddenly without any warning or notice and immediately transfers their loyalty, their emotional loyalty and all of their intimate emotions as well as physical intimacy to another human being and flaunts that fact on a public forum, that makes the previous partner a victim. Oh yes, the narc was a “respectable” person, so they were very careful to broadcast that physical intimacy by quoting the verses of a song. A song that boasted about needing a new physical connection, a new lover, and needing it badly, right away. Well that narc didn't need it badly, they already had it, but that wasn't the point. They wanted to make sure the victim knew without saying it directly. So yes, the narcissist victimizes their previous partner and purposely tortures them emotionally when that narc rubs the new relationship into the victim's nose. After numerous other things the narc perpetrated against their previous partner, that partner having their livelihood and their personal life destroyed, that person naturally wants some answers. The only response is no contact from the narcissist. Make no mistake no contact is abuse. Someone who was promised heaven and earth by the narcissist and was told by the narc they had made a lifetime commitment was owed answers and owed some time to voice their concerns. But the narc refused. The narc did what they always do, they did what was best for themselves and for themselves alone, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. So what if the victim lost their business or lost their life. Not an ounce of effort would be put in to that previous ex. The discard was final. The narc was having too much fun with the new weasel partner in shining armor. Part of that fun was torturing the ex partner in tandem. What better way for two narcissists to bond. So you are not doing justice to this scenario by calling the ex a target, they are a victim plain and simple. No this is not being a target, it’s being a victim. There’s no pride in announcing to the world that you have been discarded, it does nothing to boost your ego or make you an admirable person to those who hear what you’ve just said, but that isn't the point. The point is to be truthful, to state the situation as it actually is. Doing less is just denying the truth and if you’re denying the truth how can you ever really look at the problem and understand how to heal yourself? So in the same way victim status and the term victim are extremely essential to use for one reason and one reason alone, because they are simply the truth. You are stating a fact. Of course you were also a target and that is true, especially when the narc first laid their eyes on you and made their plans to ensnare you. But functionally, at any point in time after the mirroring idealization phase when you started being devalued all the way to the end of that relationship when you were discarded and even afterwards when the abuse actually snowballed and continued nearly driving you to suicide, at each of those points you were not just the target but functionally and very specifically you were a victim. So when is it dangerous to use that term victim? Well it involves thinking of yourself as a victim after that narcissist abuse has finished and living the rest of your life defining yourself as a victim. Please note, this doesn't apply to people who were in a relationship with that narcissist for decades or to those who suffered with narcissist families. We are talking about those of us who were in that relationship for shorter periods of time. Let's say less than a decade. To heal we must encapsulate, put a wall around that time with the narcissist, and call ourselves a victim during that time with the narcissist. We do that because we were a victim. We deal with the reality of having been a victim. We deal with the consequences of that abuse. We heal ourselves and then we move on, and in that way we have been honest with the world and with ourselves. We were a victim but we aren’t a victim anymore. Yes we were always the target from the day that narc laid their eyes on us. But after healing has taken place we walk away victorious, a victim no longer. So what about those of us who were involved with a narcissist and had a family with them and share children? What about those who spent decades with a narc and were unaware of narcissism and could never put their finger on why that relationship was always in chaos and turmoil ? What about those of us who were raised by narc parents or were in a narc family? I am not qualified to say but I will make an educated guess. The process is the same, but here is the problem, those narcissists that victimized us have become a part of our person, they are a part of our identity and therefore the task of separating ourselves or divorcing ourselves from these narcissists becomes very time consuming and intensive. We are able to slowly do this by gaining knowledge about narcissism and applying that knowledge to our personal situation and realizing that all of those times when we were in opposition to those narcs and were told we were wrong we were actually right. We can heal from that long term narc abuse by eliminating those toxic people from our lives as much as is possible and surrounding ourselves with like minded positive thinking people with good attitudes. The healing can take place and there is the possibility of also putting victim status in the past. Yes, that same process of encapsulation and divorce can take place, but that process is different, more complex and will admittedly take far longer. So what is the ultimate take away from all of this? Our role was a victim in that relationship but the victim is not who we are. Victim does not define us. We could call ourselves survivors but there’s another problem with that term. It continues to look back at that time we had with a narcissist. The best term we can use is we were a victim, honestly use that term and admit that we were a victim, then heal ourselves. We encapsulate that time with the narcissist as a sad chapter of our life and divorce ourselves totally from that situation. We then go on with our lives having learned our lesson from that situation and go on better than we were before that tragedy of the narcissist ever came into our lives. That is the healthy attitude of a fully healed human being that was once a target and yes also once a victim, but that will never defined them. This is in stark contrast to the narcissist who is actually defined as a narcissist. It’s actually who and what they are. You can escape and move on and live a normal life. That narc will have an almost impossible task to escape what they are, what they see in the mirror every single day. Yes, the narcissist is correct about being a perennial victim, but they are mistaken about who the perpetrator is. The perpetrator that makes the narcissist a victim is the narcissist themselves. Yes the narcissist is a victim of their own narcissism and they can’t escape that narcissism very easily. The true victim is only under the illusion that they have to be a victim forever, they can walk away and more importantly the victim can avoid any future entanglements with narcissists. Yes, think of it as being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it wasn't us, it would have been someone else that would have been "blessed" with that relationship. We will look for the all important qualities of EMPATHY, and a genuine ability to love in future partners. Partners who flatter then start lying can take a hike. NO we are not getting into another situation trying to help a "broken" person and then start making excuses for their rude and unacceptable behavior because they had a "bad childhood" and can't help themselves. Let someone else have that problem. If they can live with a narcissist and survive, good for them. We have better things to do with our lives. We paid our dues. We learned. We now expect what everyone should expect in a relationship,: someone who wants to reciprocate emotions and share life together and is able to commit to someone and be loyal. Someone who has the ability to respect their partner and treat them as an equal. Anything less is not acceptable. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.