The Root Cause of Narcissist Relationship Abuse- Can it be Found? The motivations of a narcissist remain a mystery to most unfortunate victims that have been in a relationship with these fiends. The assumptions of the victims were that they were in an honest two way relationship and this caused the victimized partners to believe that the narcissist had the same feelings and motivations and reasons for the relationship than those victims did. When the narc showed signs of disloyalty or indifference or any other behavior that didn't fit those assumptions, such as apparent lack of empathy, the victim always made excuses because that victim believed in their heart that the narc loved them every bit as much as they did and the narc was every bit as committed to them as they were to the narc. The narcissist confirmed to the victim that they had nothing to worry about as well and the case was closed. The narcissist was very crafty in the way they gradually devalued the victim in the sense that the victim hardly noticed that the narc was gradually disrespecting them, gradually making them lose their sense of self respect and self esteem, gradually making them question their perception of reality. Yes it was a tour de force of manipulation and the narc attacked from every possible angle relentlessly. Then came the discard. Sudden, calloused, abrupt with absolutely no mercy or compassion on the part of the narcissist. The victim was blindsided and left confused and puzzled. Then all of those issues of the past, the pieces that didn't add up, the behavior that didn't fit the narrative of the narc's professed love, devotion, and commitment, started making sense. But the conclusion that the discarded victim came to was a very harsh one. It seemed that the narc never really loved them or cared about them, ever. It seemed that the narc was really serious about leaving their partner and really didn't care about the damage they were doing. It seemed the narc actually enjoyed flaunting their new relationship, making sure the previous partner had the maximum pain. It seemed that the narc truly and suddenly abandoned the relationship and just as suddenly had a new intimate committed relationship with someone else. Yes all of those things seemed true, but in the immediate aftermath of that discard the victim couldn't believe it. In fact the victim was so overwhelmed that denying the incredible truth that they faced was an absolute necessity. It was a survival mechanism. Yes, the victim had to convince themselves that the narc hadn't really done all that they just did or if they did do all of those things there had to be some plausible explanation. Surely the narc had feelings for the victim and would be back to try and repair the damage. Surely the narc really cared. With time the ugly reality of that partner's calloused heart became apparent to the victim and more importantly the victim was gradually able to accept that truth. Yes, that partner was a covert narcissist and as much as the victim tried to deny that fact, time made that truth obvious. Yes, time had gone by and emotions had calmed and maybe now that the dust had settled that narc would come back and at least have a reasonable conversation. Surely that narc cared enough to see how their ex was doing. After all they had once made a lifetime commitment to that partner. No, the narc never came. It wasn't in their interest to show any compassion whatsoever to their previous lifetime partner, so why do it? Let that previous partner rot and wallow in their own misery. The narc was powerful, they had the strength to walk away and never look back. Yes the narc thought themselves superior and deserving of their new relationship. After all that narcissist was the victim! They were the devoted ones that had been betrayed! At least that is the story they were telling their new partner and that made the bond between that new couple all the deeper. So the victim of the narcissist gradually put together all of the pieces and over time began the long journey of getting themselves back, but their was still a nagging question, a question that just didn't have any logical answer. Why would the narcissist do this to another human being? Why would the narc insist on a relationship and get everything they wanted and then abruptly leave? What was going on in that mind of theirs? Yes it is now clear, and it can take a year or more to understand it, but it is now clear that narcissist never loved their ex. So why expend all of that energy? Why lie about everything? Why would one person do that to another human being? The narc had done this many times before and witnessed the meltdown of their discarded victims again and again. Didn't that narc have any concern at all about the harm they were causing others? Well the short answer is no, the narc didn't care about any of those people. No, on the contrary the narc looks back on those experiences and sees themselves as the strong one. The narc looks back at the behavior of their previous victims as they became irrational under the emotional torture inflicted upon them by that narc with detached amusement. Yes, those victims are the narcissist's trophies. Especially the ones that were reported to the authorities and were formally and publicly turned into the perpetrators. Yes, those victories of the narcissist always pick up that narc's spirits. After all, it means the narc won. So no, the narc doesn't care about anyone but themselves. No effort would ever be expended on another person if there was no gain for the narcissist. So what would cause a person to do these things to other human beings, to cause so much pain and damage? More importantly can an answer to that question help others avoid these narcissists in the future? So let's try to answer the question of what motivates that narcissist when it comes to relationships. We now live in an age where sex is a mere pass time, a recreational activity. There is no longer any shame associated with sex and in fact the only concern is to do it safely and to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. So any person who wants to put constraints on this sexual behavior is now considered out of step with modern thinking. All of that being said though, a human being, even if they are secular, intuitively forms a bond with a person they have a physical relationship with and there is that intuitive feeling most of us still have that we want to be serious about a relationship before we get physical. Most of us still have a heart that yearns for one and only one person in our lives and that act of physical intimacy does bond us to that other person. Of course there is the pleasure aspect of sex, but deep inside most people take this act seriously and understand sex to have much greater significance. The narcissist is of a different opinion and isn't weighed down by the constraints of morality. Yes, the narcissist views sex differently. The narc doesn't bond with those they have sex with. This may be because of the numerous sex partners they have had over the course of their lives, but it also has to do with the fact that they don't bond or form deep emotional attachments to others. So for a narcissist they see mostly the pleasure aspect of sex as their motivator. The narc has only one concern and that is never to be publicly known to be having sex with multiple people because the narc is first and foremost concerned about their billboard or public persona. Yes, the narc still realizes that lax sexual standards are frowned upon, so the narc maintains a public image of respectability. So how is this significant in a narcissist relationship? How does this attitude play itself out when the narc interacts with others? Well the narc sees an opportunity for sex and just has to take it. The plans have to be laid carefully, but if the narc is in one relationship and wants something on the side or wants to gradually transition to another partner they need to set a foundation that paints them as in some sort of distress. Maybe that narc, who never has any intention of leaving their moneyed husband will tell someone they are in a sexless marriage and are staying together only until the children graduate. Or maybe the narc meets a man that is far more successful than their current partner and then that partner is demonized as an abuser and the new person, who just happens to have money, is gone to as a protector. Maybe the narc simply loses interest in a business man and now wants an experience with a firefighter or an ex military man. For the male narcissist it may just be another opportunity at work or the allure of a younger woman. Either way that male narc will convince himself and oftentimes that partner that he is misunderstood and will allude to being in a sexless marriage. The list is endless, but the whole thing boils down to the fact that the narc only has the motivation of the pleasure aspect of sex, they are always seeking that new experience. When the narc finally achieves that goal of the new physical relationship they will either be dealing with a fellow narc that is also just seeking a quick fix in which case they are both in agreement or they will have to play a person seeking a long term relationship. The narc loves to mix things up. So the narc will then convince their serious partner that they are serious as well. This is where the problems start for the partner who is serious. Yes that partner may even become that narc's spouse. But it doesn't really matter, eventually the narc tires, gets bored and undoubtedly will begin to stray from the relationship definitely mentally and almost definitely physically. So you could make the argument that boiling the narc's motivation down to sex is being too simplistic. What about the love bombing” What about all of the pleasure the narc gets from gaslighting, demoralization, future faking, lying? Yes all of those things are sources of energy for the narc, but it is that sexual bond that the partner has and the narc doesn't that makes all of that other depravity possible. Yes it is the sex that is pure pleasure for the narc because not only is it physically pleasant, it also gives the narc power over their victim since it causes the victim to become ever more emotionally bonded to that narc and that gives the narc an even greater high, knowing that they have emotional control over that victim. So now we see how even a decent person who takes sex seriously and would never just do it for recreation can be caught in the narc's web. The narc gets into this person's heart and mind by mimicking a chaste individual. My ex partner told me I was only the second person she had ever been with and it was clearly understood that we would be sharing the rest of our lives together and right from the beginning that meant a clear path to eventual marriage before any physical activity was engaged in. She said and did whatever it took. I will spare the details of what I later found out was the reality of her past. It was shocking to say the least. So what is the possible root cause of narcissist relationship abuse? It is the narc's use of sex to make another person bond with them. For myself it is clear I could have avoided everything by sticking to what I knew was correct. Not engaging in premarital sex. That narc would have needed to give more than lip service to a lifetime commitment and eventual marriage and the price of my heart would have been too high. So ultimately for myself I realize that I could have avoided a lot of grief. But how do you say no to a person who is crying out for help and is telling you they are lonely and being abused and needs you? Someone who touches you deeply and makes you want to be there for them even before the first notion of physical activity? Other more unfortunate souls did keep a high standard and still ended up with a narcissist, but now they were married to that person. So in a sense it is very difficult to avoid these narcs. However being more cautious, more vigilant before ever giving someone your heart and mind, let alone your body, combined with your new found knowledge of narcissism will go a long way towards preventing this tragedy from befalling you again. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Lessons Learned from the Narcissist: There are many who feel that dwelling on your narcissist abuse is unhealthy and that it is somehow an impediment to the healing process. The argument goes you are still giving power to the narcissist when you refuse to move on mentally and emotionally. The physical departure was long ago. That point is valid to a certain extent and the advice given is received gratefully. Yes those people telling you to move on mentally and emotionally are giving heartfelt advice and have your best interests in mind. Some of us however, need to continue to dwell on this era of our lives and try to get a deep understanding of what was going on. My personal opinion is that the more we understand about narcissism as individuals in our own personal situation and about narcissism in general, the better. If we can share what we have learned with others and network this can help the greater community of victims as well. More knowledge ultimately empowers the victim and takes that power away from the narcissist. No narcissist considers the attention they get by having their methods of operation exposed a sign that they are maintaining power over that victim,. My opinion. The narc is mainly wanting what they do behind closed doors to remain private. So anyway, it has been almost a year since the abuse by this narcissist has ended, and strangely enough more and more information about what was going on in that relationship continues to surface. There are weekly and sometimes daily revelations and what that means for the victim is that it is not yet time to let everything go. Yes, healing is taking place, but that victim still has to resolve many issues and inconsistencies that occurred in that narc relationship. There is still much to learn for some of us and one of the most important things we meed to focus on is what made that narc choose us, target us. So yes, self introspection is part of the learning process. So what did the narc teach the target? Well, we like to call the target victim an em path and that is true, the narc's victims are usually more empathetic to other people and have more compassion and sympathy. Yes, those people always choose to trust others and always give others the benefit of the doubt and tend to overlook the faults of others. So a narc can easily hone in on those qualities and sees an easy target, since the narc can easily deceive a person with these qualities of trusting others. Of course once in the relationship, the victim is even more likely to be forgiving and overlook inconsistencies in what the narc says and does. So yes, we have the perfect recipe in this dance of death or death spiral. Ross Rosenberg's human magnet syndrome. The damage will be nearly exclusively borne by the target, but in a sense the narc also dies because they lose another piece of their soul, of their humanity, whatever their was of it, every time they devour their next target. So some of us victims will need to understand this situation thoroughly and try to rectify or fix the problem. Yes, one of the em path's qualities is to be a “fixer”, to help someone who is deeply troubled and in pain and of course the narcissists, male or female, played the victim in spades. Yes the narc was the ultimate victim, the damsel in distress or dark broken rebel that you just “needed to get to know” and played every ounce of the em path's need to fix to their own advantage. But now the victim can use that need to fix and focus on themselves. So what did the em path have to learn from the narc? Well what the narc would be pleased to accomplish is to make that em path never trust someone again. Yes, the em path never understood the dynamic of what was going on in that relationship. The em path was convinced that the narc saw all of their qualities of kindness, forgiveness and ability to trust and admired them for it. What was really going on in that narc's mind as they smiled at us and told us how wonderful we are? Well in actuality, the narc thought us weak minded fools, naive people who had never had the adversity that they, the poor narc had suffered. The narc looked at those positive qualities of the em path and thought why shouldn't I take advantage, that hapless clown will never even know that they were being played and when I am done draining them of their energy I will weave an intricate tale that they will believe hook line and sinker. So yes, the narc sees themselves as justified in taking advantage of the victim and they see those positive qualities in the victim not as assets, or strengths, but as weaknesses. So that is the first thing the victim learns. No, that narc never loved us and more importantly they never admired any of what we considered good in ourselves and they never respected us for who we were. Now you could make the argument that the narc doesn't respect themselves either. But that is not our problem that is the narc's problem. If nothing else, those of us who tried to break through to that narc know the futility of that task of making excuses and trying to understand the narc. So the next lesson learned by the victim is what evil really is. Of course the em path was aware that there are evil people in the world but the mistake the em path made is that they thought their idea of an evil person was all their was. Yes, it is clear the mugger down the street, the bank robber, the rapist, the white collar swindler are all evil. But the problem for the em path was that they didn't understand that sometimes evil can masquerade as a friend. The benign, humble and restrained covert narc, a wolf in sheep's clothing if there ever was one, was definitely custom made to get into the em path's blind spot. So yes, the victim should now understand that evil can masquerade as good. The Bible clearly speaks about wolves in sheep's clothing and describes the father of lies, Satan, as a being who masquerades as an angel of light. So is it any wonder that the narcissists think THEY are in control when they can so easily manipulate the em path with their lies? The devil is more than happy to allow his possessions, the narcs,to have that opinion. Yes, Satan owns that narcissist, no doubt. The em path that dwells on this and learns has done themselves a favor and patched a major vulnerability in themselves. So now the em path will look for red flags. What are those red flags? Excessive flattery in the beginning of a relationship, mirroring, idealization, ever increasing inconsistencies of what the person insists is true and your perception of what happened, in other words pathological lying, the list goes on. We aren't interested in discussing what goes on AFTER the relationship commences, we are simply interested in detecting and avoiding the relationship in the first place. So hopefully the em path knows how to avoid another entanglement with a narcissist at least on a personal level. There may be no choice in a work setting. So how does the lesson of detecting narcissists and then avoiding them help the em path? Well, it serves a very critical role in allowing the em path to regain a sense of themselves and have an added confidence that it is OK to be giving and trusting again. No, the em path isn't going to be fixing a broken person again. No, the em path will not be taken in by the flattery of the damsel in distress, or dark rebel that just needs someone to understand him. But the em path will not be broken or have their spirit, their positive light diminished. Yes the em path will protect themselves and not make themselves vulnerable, but that will never stop them from caring about others or wanting to help. So knowing that evil exists and knowing that it sometimes pretends to be mild and benign and your best friend can allow the em path to scrutinize those angels (actually devils) in disguise and fully retain their humanity. So yes, the narcissist can teach the em path valuable lessons. It is essential for the victim to continue dwelling on that time with the narcissist so that they can fully comprehend the scope of that con that was perpetrated on them by the narcissist. But that is for information about themselves and how they need to protect their vulnerabilities. Yes those revelations of the truth will breed anger, rage, and resentment and that is where it is critical to give that need for vengeance to God. Giving God that vengeance means that God can also allow more information about that narc relationship to be revealed to you. So yes, sometimes that rage, anger, and resentment actually prevent us from ever truly comprehending the full depth of what was done to us, the victim. Give it to God and He may reward you with the insight and wisdom that will result in your peace and a possibility of fully healing. But more importantly this can make room for a relationship with someone who does have the capacity for love and empathy. If not, the prospects of being single for the rest of this life will certainly be more tolerable once you understand that that relationship you lost and cling to was never real in the first place. No, the narc never loved you, the narc never cared, the narc never even respected you, the narc never appreciated all of the good in you other than to use it to their advantage, and no, the narc NEVER appreciated the love, concern, devotion, and loyalty you gave them. Yes, when the narc was finished taking their last meal and had sucked their victim dry they turned the tables on the victim and projected all of their own evil onto the victim. Yes, the slimy narcissist expertly made the victim feel like the disloyal one, the liar, the one who lacked commitment, the monster, and at that end stage of the relationship the victim believed it all. How curious that a victim can believe they have been disloyal and not committed when told that by the narcissist and her new boyfriend. Yes this is the narc's master stroke and the final show of their self deluded superiority to the last partner and victim. The narc cheats and is disloyal and lacks commitment. The narc lies through their teeth and in a final power grab for the rest of what remains of the victim's self worth the narc actually convinces the victim that they are the evil ones. If this isn't the definition of diabolical I don't know what is. Sadly, the narcissist actually believes their own deception and truly believes themselves to be the victim. God, the enlightened victim, and an increasing number of people in the greater society know otherwise. Remember that the narcissist is a psychopath that lacks courage. Yes, the narcissist is a psychopath that becomes highly neurotic under pressure. No, the average narcissist doesn't necessarily like hurting people, they just don't care if others are hurt if it doesn't effect them. Narcissists are highly concerned with any implications of their actions, especially when it may affect their public persona, their highly cherished “billboard”. Yes, the narc will think of every potential consequence of any possible action to the point of absurdity. Yes, the narcissist is a coward. The psychopath will commit crimes, take what they want and do harm without regard to consequences, but not the narcissist weasel. They will only do these things if they feel that they won't be caught. By the last few definitions I had the unique privilege of being with a borderline psychopath. Yes, she enjoyed hurting me and she did steal, but she did it in a way that she would never be found out. Her absolute lack of concern for the damage she had done to me was also never in doubt. I could have jumped off a bridge for all that she cared. No effect on her whatsoever. On the contrary, my demise would have been another proof of her superiority over another human being and another problem solved. She may have even been gleeful, one of the rare times she actually was happy. Her plans backfired because she was overconfident and underestimated her victim. She was also still a coward and when her bullying was met with defensive force she quickly reverted to “damsel in distress”, victim status with her new male friend. He was also a cowardly narcissist who quickly ran at any possible confrontation. Super em paths have a way of turning up in a narcissist's life when they least expect it. Not every em path will simply curl up and die on demand. So is it really that bad to be single? A year away from any narcissist will give a clear answer. Yes it is good to be away and have a mind that clearly thinks and a life that is real and makes sense. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.