The Root Cause of Narcissist Relationship Abuse- Can it be Found? The motivations of a narcissist remain a mystery to most unfortunate victims that have been in a relationship with these fiends. The assumptions of the victims were that they were in an honest two way relationship and this caused the victimized partners to believe that the narcissist had the same feelings and motivations and reasons for the relationship than those victims did. When the narc showed signs of disloyalty or indifference or any other behavior that didn't fit those assumptions, such as apparent lack of empathy, the victim always made excuses because that victim believed in their heart that the narc loved them every bit as much as they did and the narc was every bit as committed to them as they were to the narc. The narcissist confirmed to the victim that they had nothing to worry about as well and the case was closed. The narcissist was very crafty in the way they gradually devalued the victim in the sense that the victim hardly noticed that the narc was gradually disrespecting them, gradually making them lose their sense of self respect and self esteem, gradually making them question their perception of reality. Yes it was a tour de force of manipulation and the narc attacked from every possible angle relentlessly. Then came the discard. Sudden, calloused, abrupt with absolutely no mercy or compassion on the part of the narcissist. The victim was blindsided and left confused and puzzled. Then all of those issues of the past, the pieces that didn't add up, the behavior that didn't fit the narrative of the narc's professed love, devotion, and commitment, started making sense. But the conclusion that the discarded victim came to was a very harsh one. It seemed that the narc never really loved them or cared about them, ever. It seemed that the narc was really serious about leaving their partner and really didn't care about the damage they were doing. It seemed the narc actually enjoyed flaunting their new relationship, making sure the previous partner had the maximum pain. It seemed that the narc truly and suddenly abandoned the relationship and just as suddenly had a new intimate committed relationship with someone else. Yes all of those things seemed true, but in the immediate aftermath of that discard the victim couldn't believe it. In fact the victim was so overwhelmed that denying the incredible truth that they faced was an absolute necessity. It was a survival mechanism. Yes, the victim had to convince themselves that the narc hadn't really done all that they just did or if they did do all of those things there had to be some plausible explanation. Surely the narc had feelings for the victim and would be back to try and repair the damage. Surely the narc really cared. With time the ugly reality of that partner's calloused heart became apparent to the victim and more importantly the victim was gradually able to accept that truth. Yes, that partner was a covert narcissist and as much as the victim tried to deny that fact, time made that truth obvious. Yes, time had gone by and emotions had calmed and maybe now that the dust had settled that narc would come back and at least have a reasonable conversation. Surely that narc cared enough to see how their ex was doing. After all they had once made a lifetime commitment to that partner. No, the narc never came. It wasn't in their interest to show any compassion whatsoever to their previous lifetime partner, so why do it? Let that previous partner rot and wallow in their own misery. The narc was powerful, they had the strength to walk away and never look back. Yes the narc thought themselves superior and deserving of their new relationship. After all that narcissist was the victim! They were the devoted ones that had been betrayed! At least that is the story they were telling their new partner and that made the bond between that new couple all the deeper. So the victim of the narcissist gradually put together all of the pieces and over time began the long journey of getting themselves back, but their was still a nagging question, a question that just didn't have any logical answer. Why would the narcissist do this to another human being? Why would the narc insist on a relationship and get everything they wanted and then abruptly leave? What was going on in that mind of theirs? Yes it is now clear, and it can take a year or more to understand it, but it is now clear that narcissist never loved their ex. So why expend all of that energy? Why lie about everything? Why would one person do that to another human being? The narc had done this many times before and witnessed the meltdown of their discarded victims again and again. Didn't that narc have any concern at all about the harm they were causing others? Well the short answer is no, the narc didn't care about any of those people. No, on the contrary the narc looks back on those experiences and sees themselves as the strong one. The narc looks back at the behavior of their previous victims as they became irrational under the emotional torture inflicted upon them by that narc with detached amusement. Yes, those victims are the narcissist's trophies. Especially the ones that were reported to the authorities and were formally and publicly turned into the perpetrators. Yes, those victories of the narcissist always pick up that narc's spirits. After all, it means the narc won. So no, the narc doesn't care about anyone but themselves. No effort would ever be expended on another person if there was no gain for the narcissist. So what would cause a person to do these things to other human beings, to cause so much pain and damage? More importantly can an answer to that question help others avoid these narcissists in the future? So let's try to answer the question of what motivates that narcissist when it comes to relationships. We now live in an age where sex is a mere pass time, a recreational activity. There is no longer any shame associated with sex and in fact the only concern is to do it safely and to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. So any person who wants to put constraints on this sexual behavior is now considered out of step with modern thinking. All of that being said though, a human being, even if they are secular, intuitively forms a bond with a person they have a physical relationship with and there is that intuitive feeling most of us still have that we want to be serious about a relationship before we get physical. Most of us still have a heart that yearns for one and only one person in our lives and that act of physical intimacy does bond us to that other person. Of course there is the pleasure aspect of sex, but deep inside most people take this act seriously and understand sex to have much greater significance. The narcissist is of a different opinion and isn't weighed down by the constraints of morality. Yes, the narcissist views sex differently. The narc doesn't bond with those they have sex with. This may be because of the numerous sex partners they have had over the course of their lives, but it also has to do with the fact that they don't bond or form deep emotional attachments to others. So for a narcissist they see mostly the pleasure aspect of sex as their motivator. The narc has only one concern and that is never to be publicly known to be having sex with multiple people because the narc is first and foremost concerned about their billboard or public persona. Yes, the narc still realizes that lax sexual standards are frowned upon, so the narc maintains a public image of respectability. So how is this significant in a narcissist relationship? How does this attitude play itself out when the narc interacts with others? Well the narc sees an opportunity for sex and just has to take it. The plans have to be laid carefully, but if the narc is in one relationship and wants something on the side or wants to gradually transition to another partner they need to set a foundation that paints them as in some sort of distress. Maybe that narc, who never has any intention of leaving their moneyed husband will tell someone they are in a sexless marriage and are staying together only until the children graduate. Or maybe the narc meets a man that is far more successful than their current partner and then that partner is demonized as an abuser and the new person, who just happens to have money, is gone to as a protector. Maybe the narc simply loses interest in a business man and now wants an experience with a firefighter or an ex military man. For the male narcissist it may just be another opportunity at work or the allure of a younger woman. Either way that male narc will convince himself and oftentimes that partner that he is misunderstood and will allude to being in a sexless marriage. The list is endless, but the whole thing boils down to the fact that the narc only has the motivation of the pleasure aspect of sex, they are always seeking that new experience. When the narc finally achieves that goal of the new physical relationship they will either be dealing with a fellow narc that is also just seeking a quick fix in which case they are both in agreement or they will have to play a person seeking a long term relationship. The narc loves to mix things up. So the narc will then convince their serious partner that they are serious as well. This is where the problems start for the partner who is serious. Yes that partner may even become that narc's spouse. But it doesn't really matter, eventually the narc tires, gets bored and undoubtedly will begin to stray from the relationship definitely mentally and almost definitely physically. So you could make the argument that boiling the narc's motivation down to sex is being too simplistic. What about the love bombing” What about all of the pleasure the narc gets from gaslighting, demoralization, future faking, lying? Yes all of those things are sources of energy for the narc, but it is that sexual bond that the partner has and the narc doesn't that makes all of that other depravity possible. Yes it is the sex that is pure pleasure for the narc because not only is it physically pleasant, it also gives the narc power over their victim since it causes the victim to become ever more emotionally bonded to that narc and that gives the narc an even greater high, knowing that they have emotional control over that victim. So now we see how even a decent person who takes sex seriously and would never just do it for recreation can be caught in the narc's web. The narc gets into this person's heart and mind by mimicking a chaste individual. My ex partner told me I was only the second person she had ever been with and it was clearly understood that we would be sharing the rest of our lives together and right from the beginning that meant a clear path to eventual marriage before any physical activity was engaged in. She said and did whatever it took. I will spare the details of what I later found out was the reality of her past. It was shocking to say the least. So what is the possible root cause of narcissist relationship abuse? It is the narc's use of sex to make another person bond with them. For myself it is clear I could have avoided everything by sticking to what I knew was correct. Not engaging in premarital sex. That narc would have needed to give more than lip service to a lifetime commitment and eventual marriage and the price of my heart would have been too high. So ultimately for myself I realize that I could have avoided a lot of grief. But how do you say no to a person who is crying out for help and is telling you they are lonely and being abused and needs you? Someone who touches you deeply and makes you want to be there for them even before the first notion of physical activity? Other more unfortunate souls did keep a high standard and still ended up with a narcissist, but now they were married to that person. So in a sense it is very difficult to avoid these narcs. However being more cautious, more vigilant before ever giving someone your heart and mind, let alone your body, combined with your new found knowledge of narcissism will go a long way towards preventing this tragedy from befalling you again. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.