Can a Covert Narcissist Reform? We all enter this world with a set of circumstances that are beyond our control. Our genetic makeup dictates many of our behaviors and the ability to feel empathy and have a conscience has proven genetic links. So the ability to feel empathy and have a conscience exhibits itself on a broad spectrum when you look at a cross section of the human race. Some individuals simply have a very low capacity to feel another's pain or care at all about another human being. Some people are born with a very weak conscience. The other aspect of what forms a person's emotional and psychological makeup is the environment that the person develops in. Morality and a world view and the principals of how we respond to the other people we come in contact with are absorbed by children naturally as they observe their parents interact with the people and circumstances those parents encounter as life unfolds. Yes parents teach their children right and wrong but many times it is the actual examples that parents show their children that have the most impact on that child. For instance, a parent that is sexually immoral and a liar may preach chastity and truthfulness but the child sees the reality of the situation and that parent's words carry no weight. So that child will pick up hypocrisy in a parent and this gives many a child license to do as they please since they see that the parent isn't living up to those high moral standards they are expecting of the child. Children also pick up on all of the bad habits of their parents, so a child that grows up with a pathological liar as a parent will pick that up and get into the dysfunctional habit of thinking that there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with lying. That child will observe their parent using lies to get what they need as well as get out of situations that would otherwise have dire consequences. So that child absorbs and picks up the utility of the lie, the usefulness of the lie. This same pattern plays itself out in many other ways, for example making a girl that sees her mother abused by her father somehow attracted to a man that has that same predilection. The subtle ways that children learn means they can without effort observe parents that live functional lives and intuitively learn that on a subconscious level, or conversely pick up all of the dysfunction of parents that are dysfunctional and be burdened with that dysfunction on a subconscious level. So the point to be made is that all of us are brought into this world and enter a lottery, a genetic one and an environmental one. The question then becomes is that situation we were born into ever an excuse for how we behave as adults? That genetic lottery goes far beyond just empathy and conscience, it includes intellect, it includes being born with looks and charm, it involves the ability to use logic and reason. So even someone born with a low capacity for empathy and a weak conscience does have other tools at their disposal. Similarly, that environment we are born into is not all there is. The child will eventually get out into the real world and observe others. A person in a dysfunctional home will have opportunities to see functional families and see the difference. A child going to school will see all sorts of other ways of living life than what they are exposed to at home. That child will have the ability to observe empathetic people and see the tangible effects of someone having a conscience. So as that child grows they will see that life doesn't have to be the way things are at home and that child will be able to understand the difference between right and wrong as well as at least be aware that a conscience exists and that some people are guided by their conscience while others aren't. As life goes on those who had an ideal upbringing and those who had a less than ideal upbringing slowly begin to take charge of their lives. The decisions these adolescents and young adults make are most definitely separate from those their parents would have made. So a child given everything both genetically and environmentally could end up on skid row and the disadvantaged child could use all of what life gave them and create a good life from those few positive gifts that both genetics and environment bestowed upon them. But how does that disadvantaged child do this? Well it all goes back to observing the world around you, comparing what you have and are being taught at home by your parent's example to what you see in the lives of others. Yes, your parent may be a liar, but society teaches you as a child that lying is wrong and then that child of a liar can keenly observe those that try living truthfully and compare that to the home situation. Some children will be indoctrinated into that lifestyle of lying and have a very difficult time departing from it. Yes what we learn and what we are predisposed to genetically creates patterns that are nearly inescapable. But there are people who break away and make something of themselves despite the most difficult circumstances of both genetics and environment. So, what about the narcissist? How do they fit into this discussion? Well any given narc, no matter how successful has decided over the course of their lives that there is nothing wrong with a lie as long as you can get away with it. The full blown covert narcissist cultivated their lying, having concluded despite all of their observations of truthful people growing up that they were quite comfortable lying. Yes that narc saw the upside of lying and made a conscious decision to cultivate the lie. That self same narcissist was most likely born with a capacity for empathy and a conscience of varying degrees. That narc felt their conscience, however weak or strong it was and decided that the conscience was an impediment to the type of person they wanted to be or the type of life they wanted to live. Now of course nothing is cut and dried and maybe that young narc gets a bad break and just uses logic and reason and sees nothing wrong with being a narc, because they never saw an example of how functional living that has a foundation of truth and empathy is actually far superior than the life of a narc. Maybe that young narc meets the wrong partner and those narcissistic tendencies are necessary to survive in the environment that they were placed into and over time that narcissism gets set in stone. Yes the importance of a conscience and the importance of genuine empathy and the importance of truthfulness just fall by the wayside. So fine, the argument can be made that a narcissist could have just gotten a series of bad breaks and never really been shown an example of functional living. But here is the key question and it speaks directly to if a covert narcissist could ever reform: Does that narc have the capacity in older age to go back in time and re evaluate those experiences as a child and re interpret what was going on? Does that narc have the capacity to compare and contrast the superiority and the freedom that comes with telling the truth and living a life where there is nothing to hide to their previous conclusion that lying serves quite well? So the real question is does a narc really want to change? We all know that the life of a narc is an unpleasant experience that leads to a person never being free, always needing to live in the shadows, always having something to hide, never having joy or peace. So does that narc really want to be happy and content and does that narc want to begin growing that conscience and heed it? In a spiritual sense does that narc finally want to follow a code of conduct that makes others as important if not more important than themselves? Yes the concept of giving of oneself to others and making them more important than ourselves is a frightening concept for the narc. That narc would be scared stiff to change, thinking that they would lose themselves if they didn't make themselves a high priority over others. That of course requires the ability to trust someone and the courage to make oneself vulnerable. So can a narc truly reform? Theoretically it is possible although there are very few if any reports of this ever having occurred. There could be the instance of a person that does have a capacity for a conscience and does have the capacity to feel remorse and empathy having been given a bad break by life and fallen into the pattern of covert narcissism. There are also reports of temporary narcissists that become that way because of intensely stressful environments. Well one way out of the narc matrix is to become a genuine believer in Jesus and it may well be the only way out for that subclass of narcissist that simply ignored their innate capacity for a conscience and empathy. Yes some people did get the genetic capacity to feel remorse and have a conscience but it was never given a chance to activate. So how can following Jesus help? Well as a believer we are taken “off the hook”. God tells us we are all sinners and imperfect and this removes a huge burden from our shoulders. All of the sudden we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. We can admit to and embrace our weaknesses and imperfections and look to the Lord to gradually improve upon those imperfections. It no longer is about what we do but the genuineness of our faith, our reliance and belief in God's sovereignty in our lives and the world we live in. Our belief that God is reliable and will reward a true believer despite all outward appearances. So yes, a narc could be led to the truth and gradually leave behind their lives of deception and fear of being found out. Yes those who live in the light have nothing to hide, they simply admit to whatever sinful behavior that they have engaged in, knowing that God has forgiven them, knowing that every human being on this earth sins every day. Knowing that no individual has the right to judge them because every human being has “fallen short” in God's eyes. So when a narcissist makes an attempt at giving something to someone and provides truth, admitting to at least some of the obvious things they were previously denying that is a cause for celebration. Yes 80% of what came out of their mouths was lies and misdirection, but they made an attempt at telling the truth and did so. They made an attempt at providing closure. If a narc tries to do good sometimes we have to take that on face value and be happy for them and see that they may actually have the potential for reform. Cynicism and common sense about narcs dictates that the narc is probably doing this for themselves and their new relationship with a person they met on a social site and is building a life with in another state. But for the discarded victim that has a narc attempt to give closure we simply accept those gifts for what they are. Yes when a narc gives actual truth and admits to key pieces of information, that is a breakthrough for the narc and does allow the victim to heal. As far as what that narc is doing and who they are doing it with, that is inconsequential. As far as the narc's true motives or if they have actually found God that is inconsequential with regards to the gift given. The proof is in the pudding, where the rubber meets the road and only time will tell if this was a gaslighting operation, an attempt to silence, or a genuine display of empathy and remorse. The victim no longer has a dog in the fight and wishes that narc well. Yes, that narc is in God's hands and whether they knew it or not the information they gave, the narc's truthfulness confirmed everything for the victim. Shame, which is one of the narc's greatest motivators meant that the narc would never admit to something overtly, so in a way that narc was being as truthful as they could ever possibly be. My wishes and hopes are that the narc has truly had a conversion and will find happiness and joy and peace. But logic and a healthy skepticism mean that only time will tell. The previous victim will never have the opportunity to confirm or observe or verify that conversion from narc to normal. But that won't matter, the victim already has more than that narc knows in the way of closure. So can a covert narcissist reform themselves? I have yet to hear of a single verifiable report. But maybe I haven't looked hard enough. It is my sincerest wish that they can. With God all things are possible. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Covert Narcissist's Brand of Love, Loyalty, and Commitment: The covert narcissist is convinced that they are the ones who put the effort into a relationship, they are the ones who committed, they are the ones who were loyal. Yes that relationship dissolved because that narc's ex “let them down” , “wasn't loyal”, “wasn't serious about the relationship”, “wasn't really committed to the relationship”. The narc accuses their ex of being a “womanizer” or the female version thereof. The narc accuses that ex of “having issues” that were undisclosed. The list can go on, but the idea is that the covert narcissist was the victim, the one defrauded, and the one that had to overcome abuse and endure it for years and possibly decades. When the ex, having been discarded does their research and finds out about covert narcissism they make an attempt at informing their partner. But that falls on deaf ears. What was the motivation of the narc abuse victim? They were earnestly hoping that the narc wasn't really a full blown serious pathological narcissist and that seeing the information laid out in front of them, they would use there ability to look in the mirror, and their capacity for logic and reason and finally understand about themselves. That narc could then heal and become a better person and subsequently become the partner the victim always hoped and believed they could be. But of course we are dealing with a pathological covert narcissist and only in the early days of recovery would a victim hold out hope that their ex wasn't really a narc at all. To be fair, maybe some of those people are correct. Good for them. Well that relationship does dissolve and the narc instantly has a new partner that is now the recipient of all of that narc's loyalty and devotion. That is plastered all over a social site in high detail. Multiple times per day, every day of the week, with extra emphasis on holidays. Weeks after the discard. Bear in mind these are supposed adults we are talking about, people that are parents and well into their late forties and beyond. So the victim continues healing and piecing together an existence, salvaging as much of what is left as possible. Yes the victim begins healing. They understand about “the hoover”, but in this case, given the extreme circumstances surrounding that discard, with police having to be involved, that victim never expects to hear from the narc again. A good amount of time goes by, well over a year and the victim has moved on and is having joy back in their lives. Due to the nature of that discard and the surrounding events, the victim always left the possibility open for the narc to have a discussion about what occurred in an effort for both partners to be able to heal. No person who attacks another and does the terrible things that narcissists do could go on without seeking that discussion unless they were devoid of even one iota of conscience. Yes, people with a conscience and feelings of remorse simply couldn't get away without that type of interchange. But the giveaway is always the same. The narc proves themselves one hundred times over by having a total lack of conscience or remorse and the fact that the victim HAS moved on and is doing OK doesn't sit well with the narc. A whole video could be made about the warped bizarre interchange that occurs when a narc decides to hoover a victim on a social site in typical narc fashion. Yes that narc throws every curve ball, uses every narc tool in that bag of tricks and begins with an attack on that victim literally trying to tear them to shreds. Being that the narc attacks as an anonymous commenter and deliberately engages in misdirection, making incoherent and illogical statements to confuse further, it takes a bit of time for the victim to sort things out. But just enough information is given for the victim to know, after a week of pondering the dozens of allegations, charges and assertions made mixed in with actual facts of the relationship that yes it was the narc ex in person. Well after having given this person a chance at a coherent conversation or debate, which is typical in a comment section, it became clear this person was not interested in communication, or identifying themselves. So that commenter was warned they would be blocked, given days to respond and finally blocked. That interchange gave a brief glimpse into the mindset of a covert narcissist, now seen from the perspective of an informed victim that has moved on. Well that narc had apparently been paying attention to the videos and had been doing their homework on narcissism. So here is the story from a narc's perspective: The victim is the true narcissist. The victim was never serious, had any commitment, or loyalty. The victim was a womanizer. The victim was an abuser, a manipulator, a liar. The victim had all of the issues. Never was love mentioned, maybe because the narc couldn't find a way of making a convincing argument for their own love or maybe because the narc doesn't even comprehend the key role that love plays in a genuine relationship. Initially I thought this person had a case of mistaken identity, because the ex partner she described and the words she put into that person's mouth were never uttered by me. But no, she insisted it was me. So anyway, all of that person's allegations were addressed, but the reality is that person didn't really want a discussion at all. So they were sent on their way. Here is the narc's perspective on love, loyalty, and commitment. The narc views loyalty and commitment and love as things that are given to achieve a goal. They aren't real, only fake representations of the genuine emotions that normal people display. That love and devotion only really go as deep as lip service. But the narc has done a good job of mimicking others that they observe and why would a prospective victim ever doubt the sincerity of a grown adult when they displayed all of those emotions just like any normal person would? Yes that narc was a bit too eager to give that love devotion and commitment. A skeptical victim would try to inform the narc that they were not the perfect person that the narc made them out to be. A skeptical victim would try to inform the narc that they were not the perfect person that the narc made them out to be. When a future was laid out and finances were to be discussed, again the narc really wasn't interested. Things would be made to work out. So the victim is told time and time again to “relax”,this was real. Yes that narc was fully committed to the victim for a lifetime. Yes that narc was “the victim's forever” and after months and over a year telling the victim those things, the victim did relax and believe it. This is just one version of the many ways that narcs idealize their prey. So how does the narc's version of love, loyalty, and commitment differ from that of normal people? Yes we know it is fake but how can you tell? Well In a normal relationship loyalty is earned, based on time together and a genuine interchange of ideas and reactions to the challenges that are presented to a couple. Loyalty isn't something that is necessarily stated, it is something that is self evident and proves itself when those challenges arise. The very definition of loyalty is to hold firm in your commitment to a person and a relationship in the face of adversity and challenge. The narc's brand of loyalty is very different. The narc's loyalty is the type that is given by words and is presented suddenly with no merits to a new partner, otherwise known as the fresh supply. Commitment is similar. The narc professes commitment when it is convenient for them, to the new idealized supply. Commitment is again one of those things that is earned and carefully entered into. But again, curiously that narc is all too eager to give their commitment away to a complete stranger. That narc's fake commitment is given immediately with no track record of a long term relationship or any scrutiny on the narc's part whatsoever. Love is of course, the one thing that even a narc knows can't be faked within weeks of meeting someone, so the narc will wait at least a month or two into the idealization phase before claiming someone is their “soul mate”, “the one they have always been waiting for”, the person who has “completed them and fully healed them and freed them of all of their psychological turmoil”. Yes the narc's assertions of love, loyalty, and commitment build over the course of the idealization phase and become increasingly more detailed, being said with more and more apparent conviction. But sadly none of those pronouncements of the narc, from A to Z ever carry any weight and that is where the em path's vulnerability comes into play. A normal person can much more easily see the fake scenario the narc sets up for what it is: very questionable. So what is it that makes the empath blind to what is obvious to others? The narc is able to easily get the empath to “feel their pain” and in doing so that empath is in some sense blinded to the curiously bizarre way that a stranger who hardly knows them bonds so quickly. That empath whose compassion and sense of being needed is fully triggered and engaged loses all sense of scrutiny and discernment and this is the primary reason that the narc looks for empaths to victimize. That narc has absolutely no comprehension of compassion and empathy, but they see these items as tools to entrap and manipulate others who do possess these traits. Yes that narc sees the effects of compassion and empathy with detached amusement and shrewdly sees how they can be used as powerful tools to entrap their next victim. So those are the narc's ways of using love, loyalty and commitment, by faking them and using them to entangle yet another victim in their web. Predators do have a way of enticing their prey with items that seem appealing. But what happens after the idealization? Well those areas of love, commitment and loyalty are then used once again to devalue that once idealized partner and even used after the discard as the causes of why the narc was “forced into the arms of another”. So the narc has had their fill of a relationship and has drained that person of much of their life-force and is becoming bored. But of course even the narc needs at least some feasible explanation for exiting the relationship. The real reasons of fresh supply that is already being groomed, boredom, wanting freedom from obligation to another human being will never be broached upon. Yes even the narc understands the necessity for at least giving the appearance of having committed and loved. That is needed for their public image and maybe just to make a smoother more trouble free exit. After all the narc does have a track record of discarding and therefore knows full well the implications of simply being honest and showing their calloused lack of concern for and ex and exiting without explanation. Yes, there is fallout for that and the aged narc doesn't want their billboard tarnished. So the narc will occasionally put the effort in to tell that partner why things aren't working for them. Remember though, the narc is NOT doing that because they have one ounce of concern for the partner or to soften the blow. A narc will NEVER exert an iota of effort if it doesn't benefit them. So the narc does try to mimic a genuine breakup but then there is a giveaway. The narc presents this information in the most calloused and unemotional way possible. Moreover, that narc is simply stating that things aren't working out and they aren't interested in a lengthy discussion. No that narc makes their statement and leaves. NO additional discussions will ever be allowed. No explanations given. No questions answered. So it becomes clear the fake reports of why the narc was leaving were simply statements of convenience for the sake of making that narc's transition to their new relationship and new fantasy existence as smooth as possible. Remember it is always all about the narc and the narc alone. Meanwhile that narc is singing a very different tune with their new partner and that narc is excited about the new persona and life they are fabricating for this new friend of theirs. Of course that discarded ex partner will be used to bond with the new partner. Yes now those areas of love, commitment, and loyalty, the key components in a relationship are used as tools by the narc to demonize the partner, and cast the narc into the role of victim. Yes that narc WAS devoted and loyal and committed, but that abusive ex just took advantage of the narc's generosity of spirit. Yes that ex partner was disloyal and cheated and didn't take the commitment seriously. The ex partner was the one who pretended to love. That new friend will be the one who is now going to be the savior with that narcissist playing the fake role of victim and the discarded ex being the perpetrator. Karpman drama triangle completed. Yes, after studying narcissism and the actions, words and stated feelings of narc abuse victims, that genuine narc decides they will mimic the role of victim and portray their partner as the narcissist. But here is the glaring and obvious irony: The genuine narc is the one in the new instant committed relationship. The narc switched off their loyalty to one person and immediately gave it away to another. The narc is the one who moved on immediately with no time for reflection. Yes despite all of those facts that hypocritical narc thinks they can pull off the ruse of portraying themselves as victim. Sadly, many a narc can and does succeed at this. That narc will tell of abuse that will make many believe and rally to the aid of that duplicitous narc. Flying monkeys can always be found. The good people who are tricked into fighting for that narc's fabricated cause and of course the other type of flying monkey that enjoys self righteously damaging another person they don't even know based solely on the hearsay of that duplicitous and treacherous covert narcissist. Curious how that ex just couldn't move on, was barely functioning, and couldn't even think of another partner. Was that just coincidence? Don't ask a narc. They will double down on their assertions but never ever address any legitimate concerns. “Just trust the narc”, they are the ones telling the truth. Well we all know about narcissist projection, blaming others for what they themselves are guilty of. So that narc will see nothing at all wrong with themselves being in a new “committed” relationship. The narc's explanation? They are strong overcomers, warriors. They are so abused they need that new relationship, a night in shining armor or angelic savior to survive the abuse of their former partner. Do you see the glaring inconsistency in the last two sentences? Strong warriors, but they need help? They are the ones who suffered outrageous abuse and learned to overcome those obstacles of life. They are the victims. But here is the problem: those narcs show NO tangible evidence of genuine victim-hood at all. Yes, narcs are all about appearance and words. If that narc looks like a victim, talks like a victim, in their mind they are a victim. It is substance, truth, and facts that are lacking in the narc's arguments and that is why no scrutiny of their victim status is EVER allowed. Yes just trust the narc. Well the empath did. The empath believed. The empath cared and invested everything into that covert narcissist. The empath lost all of their investment. What about the narc, what did they lose? Nothing. Sadly, not even a nights sleep. They simply “moved on” and enjoyed another fake relationship. At least we know it was fake on the narc's end. So the narc comes back as an alias, refuses to confirm their identity and have an honest two way conversation. Then goes on a diatribe telling the victim they should get over it, move on, stop blaming someone else for their problems. That part about not blaming someone else would be very sound counsel if given to a covert narcissist. The problem is it is the narc giving that advice. The very same person who committed those heinous crimes against another person's psyche. Yes I am sure a rapist, a thief and a con artist would all tell their victims to not blame someone else for their problems and to move on. Here is the fault in that argument: Covert narcissism DOES exist, it is REAL. It destroys people in a thousand different ways. Victims dwell on the individual who destroyed them not to shift blame, not to avoid responsibility, but because they have been severely traumatized. Those victims didn't choose to be a victim or even want to be one, that status was bestowed upon them by the covert narcissist who wants to pretend that what they did wasn't anything at all. Those victims do have to dwell on narcissism and the person who abused them to try and understand what happened. Especially since no answers or help were given by that narcopath. As far as taking responsibility for their lives, victims are doing exactly that and they are healing. They are finding out what made them susceptible to these narcissistic creeps. They are growing, and they are fighting with the spirit of a warrior, bravely moving forward in the face of incredible emotional pain and adversity that was gifted them by these sorry excuses for a human being called covert narcissists. But that battle is one of self preservation and done in earnest humility. It is a serious struggle with everything at stake. No, that victim won't be going on social sites crowing about being a warrior. They will call themselves survivors. But they were the real warriors, the ones that were brave and kept going. No billboard on a social site necessary or even wanted. Yes the victims are moving on and have no need for that narcissist whatsoever. But those experiences belong to the victim and that role the narc played is important because it is the source of everything that caused all of the damage and disruption. Just like any natural disaster or force of evil that befalls a victim, who when healed simply considers themselves a target. The target of and emotional vampire, a person who attempted to rob them of their soul, their very life substance. So NO narcissist, love, loyalty, and commitment aren't just words stated at the appropriate time, with the proper phrasing and tone, there is actual substance behind those words and the things they embody. Love, loyalty and commitment can't be switched on and off like a light switch and their substance, their genuineness is only proven in the face of adversity, or when a seemingly better opportunity comes along and is refused. The substance of love, loyalty, and commitment means that people lose their freedom and can't do whatever they want to do. Yes there are spouses that are disabled and the elderly and that is a great inconvenience. It limits a person's freedom of thought and movement. They limit a person's ideas of what their future could be. Yes that is what genuine love, loyalty and commitment are all about. It is how we act, not what we say that proves them. They aren't for sale to the highest bidder or the next dream of an ideal future. Yes, people grow apart and in this day and age nothing is written in stone. But even then love, loyalty and commitment dictate an acknowledgment of the partner's value, an understanding of the impact a breakup will have on them and at least some effort placed into making that departure with the least impact on the ex. Toying with your discarded victim's emotions for sport proves without a doubt that you never loved or cared at all and no amount of lying and deception can alter those facts. No narc you will never get it. That requires at least an ounce of empathy and a conscience. That requires the ability to feel remorse. That requires someone to understand this world wasn't made for them and them alone. Yes we all want freedom and that is why we understand the gravity of love, loyalty, and commitment, the great cost of bestowing them on another human being. That cost is all about giving up your own freedom to do whatever you want to do. Yes it requires making another person's needs desires and dreams of the future as important or even more important than your own. That means that another person's priorities will have as much weight and significance as those of your own. Yes, there is great responsibility in engaging someone into a committed relationship. So love, loyalty and commitment are given seriously and very carefully, with the full knowledge of their impact on the other person. No they aren't just faked to get a relationship and have fun. Yes, the narc will continue to insist that they were the ones who loved, had commitment and loyalty but the very definition of those items means they need to be proven by ACTIONS, not words and gestures. So think about your actions narc and that of your victim and then try to convince yourself you are the one who loved. No problem for the narc, they will simply fabricate their own actions of love and loyalty and fabricate the disloyalty and lack of love and commitment of their exes. OK. Well narc, here is a concept that only those of us who have taken responsibility for another human being, and even an occupation for that matter, know and you will never understand: True freedom comes from standing by someone and limiting all of your possibilities. The freedom of the narc is slavery. They are a slave to their appetites and to that endless belief that the grass is greener and the new relationship or job is brighter “on the other side”. Sad. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.