Can a Covert Narcissist Reform? We all enter this world with a set of circumstances that are beyond our control. Our genetic makeup dictates many of our behaviors and the ability to feel empathy and have a conscience has proven genetic links. So the ability to feel empathy and have a conscience exhibits itself on a broad spectrum when you look at a cross section of the human race. Some individuals simply have a very low capacity to feel another's pain or care at all about another human being. Some people are born with a very weak conscience. The other aspect of what forms a person's emotional and psychological makeup is the environment that the person develops in. Morality and a world view and the principals of how we respond to the other people we come in contact with are absorbed by children naturally as they observe their parents interact with the people and circumstances those parents encounter as life unfolds. Yes parents teach their children right and wrong but many times it is the actual examples that parents show their children that have the most impact on that child. For instance, a parent that is sexually immoral and a liar may preach chastity and truthfulness but the child sees the reality of the situation and that parent's words carry no weight. So that child will pick up hypocrisy in a parent and this gives many a child license to do as they please since they see that the parent isn't living up to those high moral standards they are expecting of the child. Children also pick up on all of the bad habits of their parents, so a child that grows up with a pathological liar as a parent will pick that up and get into the dysfunctional habit of thinking that there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with lying. That child will observe their parent using lies to get what they need as well as get out of situations that would otherwise have dire consequences. So that child absorbs and picks up the utility of the lie, the usefulness of the lie. This same pattern plays itself out in many other ways, for example making a girl that sees her mother abused by her father somehow attracted to a man that has that same predilection. The subtle ways that children learn means they can without effort observe parents that live functional lives and intuitively learn that on a subconscious level, or conversely pick up all of the dysfunction of parents that are dysfunctional and be burdened with that dysfunction on a subconscious level. So the point to be made is that all of us are brought into this world and enter a lottery, a genetic one and an environmental one. The question then becomes is that situation we were born into ever an excuse for how we behave as adults? That genetic lottery goes far beyond just empathy and conscience, it includes intellect, it includes being born with looks and charm, it involves the ability to use logic and reason. So even someone born with a low capacity for empathy and a weak conscience does have other tools at their disposal. Similarly, that environment we are born into is not all there is. The child will eventually get out into the real world and observe others. A person in a dysfunctional home will have opportunities to see functional families and see the difference. A child going to school will see all sorts of other ways of living life than what they are exposed to at home. That child will have the ability to observe empathetic people and see the tangible effects of someone having a conscience. So as that child grows they will see that life doesn't have to be the way things are at home and that child will be able to understand the difference between right and wrong as well as at least be aware that a conscience exists and that some people are guided by their conscience while others aren't. As life goes on those who had an ideal upbringing and those who had a less than ideal upbringing slowly begin to take charge of their lives. The decisions these adolescents and young adults make are most definitely separate from those their parents would have made. So a child given everything both genetically and environmentally could end up on skid row and the disadvantaged child could use all of what life gave them and create a good life from those few positive gifts that both genetics and environment bestowed upon them. But how does that disadvantaged child do this? Well it all goes back to observing the world around you, comparing what you have and are being taught at home by your parent's example to what you see in the lives of others. Yes, your parent may be a liar, but society teaches you as a child that lying is wrong and then that child of a liar can keenly observe those that try living truthfully and compare that to the home situation. Some children will be indoctrinated into that lifestyle of lying and have a very difficult time departing from it. Yes what we learn and what we are predisposed to genetically creates patterns that are nearly inescapable. But there are people who break away and make something of themselves despite the most difficult circumstances of both genetics and environment. So, what about the narcissist? How do they fit into this discussion? Well any given narc, no matter how successful has decided over the course of their lives that there is nothing wrong with a lie as long as you can get away with it. The full blown covert narcissist cultivated their lying, having concluded despite all of their observations of truthful people growing up that they were quite comfortable lying. Yes that narc saw the upside of lying and made a conscious decision to cultivate the lie. That self same narcissist was most likely born with a capacity for empathy and a conscience of varying degrees. That narc felt their conscience, however weak or strong it was and decided that the conscience was an impediment to the type of person they wanted to be or the type of life they wanted to live. Now of course nothing is cut and dried and maybe that young narc gets a bad break and just uses logic and reason and sees nothing wrong with being a narc, because they never saw an example of how functional living that has a foundation of truth and empathy is actually far superior than the life of a narc. Maybe that young narc meets the wrong partner and those narcissistic tendencies are necessary to survive in the environment that they were placed into and over time that narcissism gets set in stone. Yes the importance of a conscience and the importance of genuine empathy and the importance of truthfulness just fall by the wayside. So fine, the argument can be made that a narcissist could have just gotten a series of bad breaks and never really been shown an example of functional living. But here is the key question and it speaks directly to if a covert narcissist could ever reform: Does that narc have the capacity in older age to go back in time and re evaluate those experiences as a child and re interpret what was going on? Does that narc have the capacity to compare and contrast the superiority and the freedom that comes with telling the truth and living a life where there is nothing to hide to their previous conclusion that lying serves quite well? So the real question is does a narc really want to change? We all know that the life of a narc is an unpleasant experience that leads to a person never being free, always needing to live in the shadows, always having something to hide, never having joy or peace. So does that narc really want to be happy and content and does that narc want to begin growing that conscience and heed it? In a spiritual sense does that narc finally want to follow a code of conduct that makes others as important if not more important than themselves? Yes the concept of giving of oneself to others and making them more important than ourselves is a frightening concept for the narc. That narc would be scared stiff to change, thinking that they would lose themselves if they didn't make themselves a high priority over others. That of course requires the ability to trust someone and the courage to make oneself vulnerable. So can a narc truly reform? Theoretically it is possible although there are very few if any reports of this ever having occurred. There could be the instance of a person that does have a capacity for a conscience and does have the capacity to feel remorse and empathy having been given a bad break by life and fallen into the pattern of covert narcissism. There are also reports of temporary narcissists that become that way because of intensely stressful environments. Well one way out of the narc matrix is to become a genuine believer in Jesus and it may well be the only way out for that subclass of narcissist that simply ignored their innate capacity for a conscience and empathy. Yes some people did get the genetic capacity to feel remorse and have a conscience but it was never given a chance to activate. So how can following Jesus help? Well as a believer we are taken “off the hook”. God tells us we are all sinners and imperfect and this removes a huge burden from our shoulders. All of the sudden we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. We can admit to and embrace our weaknesses and imperfections and look to the Lord to gradually improve upon those imperfections. It no longer is about what we do but the genuineness of our faith, our reliance and belief in God's sovereignty in our lives and the world we live in. Our belief that God is reliable and will reward a true believer despite all outward appearances. So yes, a narc could be led to the truth and gradually leave behind their lives of deception and fear of being found out. Yes those who live in the light have nothing to hide, they simply admit to whatever sinful behavior that they have engaged in, knowing that God has forgiven them, knowing that every human being on this earth sins every day. Knowing that no individual has the right to judge them because every human being has “fallen short” in God's eyes. So when a narcissist makes an attempt at giving something to someone and provides truth, admitting to at least some of the obvious things they were previously denying that is a cause for celebration. Yes 80% of what came out of their mouths was lies and misdirection, but they made an attempt at telling the truth and did so. They made an attempt at providing closure. If a narc tries to do good sometimes we have to take that on face value and be happy for them and see that they may actually have the potential for reform. Cynicism and common sense about narcs dictates that the narc is probably doing this for themselves and their new relationship with a person they met on a social site and is building a life with in another state. But for the discarded victim that has a narc attempt to give closure we simply accept those gifts for what they are. Yes when a narc gives actual truth and admits to key pieces of information, that is a breakthrough for the narc and does allow the victim to heal. As far as what that narc is doing and who they are doing it with, that is inconsequential. As far as the narc's true motives or if they have actually found God that is inconsequential with regards to the gift given. The proof is in the pudding, where the rubber meets the road and only time will tell if this was a gaslighting operation, an attempt to silence, or a genuine display of empathy and remorse. The victim no longer has a dog in the fight and wishes that narc well. Yes, that narc is in God's hands and whether they knew it or not the information they gave, the narc's truthfulness confirmed everything for the victim. Shame, which is one of the narc's greatest motivators meant that the narc would never admit to something overtly, so in a way that narc was being as truthful as they could ever possibly be. My wishes and hopes are that the narc has truly had a conversion and will find happiness and joy and peace. But logic and a healthy skepticism mean that only time will tell. The previous victim will never have the opportunity to confirm or observe or verify that conversion from narc to normal. But that won't matter, the victim already has more than that narc knows in the way of closure. So can a covert narcissist reform themselves? I have yet to hear of a single verifiable report. But maybe I haven't looked hard enough. It is my sincerest wish that they can. With God all things are possible. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.