The Journey of Recovering from Narcissist Abuse: Breaking the Bond Many of us start our journey from narc abuse thinking we have lost everything of value to us, thinking we have lost all of the relationships and blessings that this world provided us with. We feel comfortable in the routine and predictable world that we create for ourselves. That world gives us a sense of constancy and stability that allows us to be productive people in society and deal with the stress that the world throws at us. Yes, those thoughts of being home enjoying your morning coffee or enjoying that evening meal with your partner is the fuel that keeps you going each and every day. Those weekend getaways and vacations are the events we look forward to for weeks and months at a time. The close and intimate feelings of being bonded to our partner is both the glue that keeps us together and integrated as an individual and the lubricant that allows our integration with the world to go smoothly, reducing the friction in the abrasive environment of life. So we hold our personal existence dear since it is the very essence of our lives. That is the basic framework, the foundation of a life for the average person. None of us have ideal lives and as a human being progresses through life we learn to reduce our expectations of both the people that surround us and life in general. We learn to compromise our aspirations to coincide with and correspond to reality since we are all limited mentally, physically, and by time and financial constraints. We learn to realize that no relationship is going to cure all of our problems and that there is a cost involved in being in a relationship. But again, as mature adults that have unfortunately had more than one relationship we learn to also reduce our expectations of what any relationship or partner will provide. We learn to put up with the idiosyncrasies of our partner and try to make it work, knowing that no one is perfect. We make the best of our life situations and always strive to improve our lot in life, both as an individual and as a couple, having the goal of an idealized life together of peace and tranquility. Lucky people meet the correct partner and both individuals share the goal of creating a life that is productive and meets the needs of both individuals in the relationship. This requires both partners to compromise and unify their visions of what their future will be, what the goal of their lives will be. Truly productive people realize that it is absolutely essential to eliminate unnecessary drama from their lives. There are plenty of real problems in the world without creating your own. So we then break down life into the mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. We will leave out the physical. Mental clarity requires dealing with our perceived environment as accurately and precisely as possible. Yes, we analyze the people in our environment and the situations we encounter and try to make sense of them. We develop discernment over time and try to sort out what is true from what is false in our life experience, knowing that without truth there can be no accurate assessment of anything. So truth matters and is always our goal with regard to our mental perception of the world. Logic and reason are the tools we develop over time that allow us to make sound decisions based on our perceived truth and reality. That perceived truth is our judgment based on our own distinctive and unique opinion gained by analyzing our experiences over the course of our lives. Yes we can always be wrong in our assessment of the truth and we therefore always proceed cautiously and with humility, being willing to change our opinions of what is and is not true. Emotions are the part of our life that makes it worth living and when it comes to emotions we aren't usually as concerned with accuracy or reason or logic. So in our mind's eye we plan an idealized life that is heavily fueled by emotions, how we feel, and we tend to avoid thinking of the details which would get in the way of that romanticized vision in our head. But over time we learn to be practical and take into account reality. Yes mature adults have reasonable expectations of life and over time learn to be more practical, but those emotions often take over and this is where the practical and realistic life we have planned for ourselves often gets sidetracked. This is what occurs in every single addiction. The person goes from being sane and balanced and in control to having no control whatsoever over time. Yes we know that person isn't good for us or that habit isn't good for us. We know that we could spend our time and financial resources more productively, but our emotions lead us in an entirely different direction. So we need to govern those emotions both mentally and for the believer, spiritually. The Bible clearly describes what a person who battles these destructive emotions is up against. First John 2 15 tells us to not love the world or anything in it, meaning that we shouldn't indulge our desires. Our love and devotion to God should temper our desires for the things of this world. First John 2 16 clearly defines these destructive desires as the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life. Yes, there is a battle between the flesh and the spirit, what we want to do and what we should do. If we indulge the flesh, our desires, the flesh gets stronger. If we follow the Spirit in our lives that gets stronger and allows us to resist the flesh. If we do what is right in our lives, what we know is right, things go much more smoothly. But the average person, myself included, far too often follows instinct and allows the flesh to lead them. So the impression might be given that emotions are evil, but they aren't at all. It is only when those emotions are usurped by the flesh or are attached to a dysfunctional situation that emotions cause all of the problems. A life lived using reason and logic, that totally ignored the emotional aspects of existence, would be dry and not worth living for most of us. So emotions are very important and serve a very important function in our lives, especially with regard to our personal lives and relationships. Therefore, we cultivate those relationships, try to commit to them and create as stable and emotionally satisfying an environment as possible. The above describes the life of the average functional person, someone who seeks to have as much stability in their lives as possible. Someone who seeks a balanced existence as free from turmoil and chaos as possible. Yes all people have different mental and physical abilities and all people have diverse levels of resources with regard to time and money and part of becoming a mature adult is coming to grips with and accepting those limitations. The reverse side of that coin is that many people are too focused on what they do not have and sadly never use the resources and abilities they have been blessed with to anywhere near their potential. Yes human beings are flawed, imperfect and the world is flawed and imperfect as well. Yes what we rely on as truth and what we believe is true may end up not being true at all upon further analysis. That is the wisdom we all learn as we go through the journey of our existence. But the key is that a person must be an honest player in their life and have a sincere interest in doing the best they can do. Every functional person has the best of intentions, no matter how bad things sometimes turn out. Yes, every functional person falls short, analyzes their situation, lets the uncomfortable emotions of guilt, a conscience, and remorse guide them in an effort to do better next time. Yes over time we either heed those emotions and become better, more functional people or we ignore them and stagnate or even degenerate over time. So we encounter a covert pathological narcissist and out of the blue this person seems to be the perfect solution to the problems of our life. That narc seems to be a dream come true. We use logic and reason and have some doubts, but for some reason our emotions are telling us that this is the right thing for us. How could anyone behave the way the covert narc does and not be serious. How could anyone make those commitments and make those future plans and not be serious. How could anyone profess their love and not be serious. How can someone so focused on the importance of loyalty and commitment not hold those virtues in high esteem in themselves? Yes we start ignoring the logic and reason that tell us that person is really disloyal and not at all committed, after all why would they lie? So mentally, we drop our guard because those emotions are so positive, seem to be telling you it is all real. It doesn't help that the narc is telling you they are yours forever and to relax whenever you voice any concerns. So we commit ourselves to these demonic covert narcissists and slowly, imperceptibly we fall prey to their increasingly bizarre behavior and the emotional drama that ramps up over the years and decades and we somehow chalk this up to the fact that no person or relationship is perfect. After all that partner of yours is committed to you and loves you and so you put up with them “not being nice”, otherwise known as mental and emotional abuse. Sadly some poor souls end up dealing with physical abuse as well and the warped world that narc creates somehow justifies that abuse, even in the victim's mind. But that is behind closed doors. So what is it exactly that binds us to these creeps? Well for the most part it is the emotional bond that we have formed with that person. Yes, a normal person was designed to commit to and bond with another human for a lifetime. Part of the package is that we associate all of our positive emotions with that partner. The love we feel is exclusively associated with that narc. The future planned and all of our hopes and aspirations have that narc at the center of them. Yes the average functional person has made that commitment and oftentimes a lifetime commitment to the narc and the narc alone. But that person has made a grievous error. The inconceivable duplicity, disingenuousness, depraved indifference, total emotional detachment of the covert narcissist is beyond the comprehension of the average partner to one of these ghouls. So the game goes on for that narc and they milk that partner dry for months, years, decades. The narcopath starts a family with that unwitting target and that target would have to be emotionally disturbed and paranoid to suspect that their narcopath partner wasn't at least partly in love with them and sincere about the relationship. After all the paucity of mainstream literature makes covert narcissism a condition most people aren't even aware exists. So how could the target even conceive of someone being as profoundly mentally diseased and dysfunctional as a covert narcissist? We look at all of those idealized descriptions of the average functional, although flawed, person and throw them all away when it comes to describing the covert narcissist. Yes the average person holds the truth in high esteem even though they fall short of it in their daily lives. The narc hates the truth and worships the lie, is actually wedded to the lie, the only thing they have ever truly committed to. The average person uses logic and reason to try and analyze their lives. The covert narc's stock in trade is to warp reality and neutralize any effective use of logic and reason. The average person uses emotions to bond to their partner and the relationship. The covert narc has none of those positive emotions, so they use the positive emotions of their partner to manipulate. The average person to one extent or another listens to and takes heed of the uncomfortable feelings of a nagging conscience, feelings of guilt, feelings of remorse and lets those uncomfortable and sometimes painful emotions teach them the lessons of life. The covert narc does just the opposite, they refuse to even acknowledge those emotions. Yes the narc sees themselves above the petty weaknesses of a person who would actually heed their conscience or feel remorse. In the process the deluded narc damns themselves to a personal fantasy existence that bears less and less resemblance to reality as their life progresses. Burying past sins and ignoring them takes effort and energy but more importantly, prevents the narc from ever maturing. So how does the above discussion help a target in their journey of recovery? Well we are specifically talking to the person who has been discarded or come to the sad conclusion that a relationship with a covert narcissist is no longer possible. We are talking to the functional person who has for whatever reason ended their relationship with the narcissist and is having a very hard time. Remember that narc has really lost nothing. That narc never invested any positive emotions, never gave any genuine love, loyalty, or commitment to their partner. Oh yes the narc may be displeased with the target's departure, but in those cases it is simply a matter of pride, having been the one discarded, or ego, having lost a possession that made the world see that narc as successful. Yes it is true, sometimes that narc simply views the target as a possession that no one else but they are entitled to. Many times the narc is outraged by the target's departure mainly because they have not yet found a suitable replacement. Yes my covert narc partner could have had a clean break but her problem was that she had not found a replacement for me yet and the thought of being the one discarded was too much for her to bear. So the relationship commenced and only later did I realize that this was all about her setting me up for the most painful discard she could possibly conjure up. But even that didn't go as planned for her. Nevertheless she did find a partner, even if not a perfect one to triangulate and make sure I was totally destroyed in every way imaginable. So make no mistake, there are never any positive emotional bonds that are playing a role in that covert narc's displeasure. The narc will feign all of those positive emotions if necessary to manipulate the partner back and the unwitting partner who knows nothing about covert narcissism will oftentimes be reeled back in. The assumption on the target's part that the narc is bonded to them and must have all of the same positive emotions they do is a huge miscalculation. That miscalculation is sound logic and reason that has been neutralized by being based on the false information, the lies furnished by the narcissist. So the covert narc uses those false conclusions of the target to manipulate them at will. The narc does this by emulating positive emotions of the target and convincing them that they feel the same way. But there is no substance behind the assertions and drama that narc displays. So this is where the healing part comes in. The journey for the target is one of realizing and convincing themselves that the narc never loved, never cared, never committed to them, was never loyal. That can take months and years, but if your partner was a genuine pathological covert narcissist you will eventually detoxify and replace all of the lies and deceptions of that covert narcissist with the actual truth of the situation. The logic and reason, being now based on truth, can actually serve their proper function and allow you to heal and see things clearly for what they are. Logic and reason can allow that target to analyze themselves and see where and how they were vulnerable. But the path on that journey of recovery continues and a very important truth reveals itself as time passes. The truth that all of those positive emotions, all of the love, feelings of nostalgia, all of those plans for the future that gave so much comfort and meaning to life are still there in the target. Even though that target bonded to the narc and associated all of those positive feelings and emotions to that person, it now becomes clear there was never any reciprocation by the narc at all. The target was functional, was genuine, but the narc was simply playing a game. So the target eventually realizes that those positive feelings, the love they felt, the commitment they made, the loyalty haven't been lost at all. They still exist. It is only that functional bonding to a miscreant, a dysfunctional creep that sees life as a game that was the problem. So the victim has everything needed to get back everything they thought they lost, but never really did. Since everything that target thought they had was simply an illusion created by a demonically inspired individual who decided to base their life on lies and deception and turn their backs on any guilt or remorse. Someone who never even considered heeding a conscience. So the target has everything they need all it takes to achieve genuine happiness and joy. The target has all it takes to have a fulfilling, healthy functional life and relationship. The victim has grown and learned. No the victim didn't move on and ignore the problem that narc created, but rather embraced the pain, worked through it, learned, matured and grew. So the question to the healed target is simply this. You have been given the opportunity to have all of the toxicity removed from your life. You have the chance to have a fresh start. What will you do with that opportunity? The removal of that toxic covert pathological narcissist was a blessing. Yes it came at a great expense, but in retrospect it was the best thing that ever happened to you. When you truly comprehend the truth of that statement, you have made a major breakthrough in your journey of regeneration. But make no mistake, that conclusion doesn't come easily for most of us that simply can't conceive of any happiness or joy or any future at all without that fraud that pretended to have a genuine relationship with you. Yes you can start again and get everything back you lost, and more. With the right person if you so choose or even alone. In short, you can do without the narc. Regardless of your opinion you can do much better than that narc and more importantly, you deserve better than a low life covert narcissist. You deserve to be happy and have joy. You deserve to have kindness and love and commitment and loyalty reciprocated. You deserve a partner who actually wants to compromise and values the relationship as much as you do. You deserve to have all of the love, all of the commitment and all of those deep feelings of love and good wishes that you wasted on the narc come back to you with interest and in abundance. What about the narcissist? That is no longer our concern. Make no mistake though they will get their “rewards” from life as well. Not at our hands of course and it may well be that we never even know that narc's ultimate fate. It will be a sad ending and we can pray for them or not, but eventually they will be beyond prayer. We will do our best to keep our record clean and leave the evil of that narc exclusively on their account. Our harmlessness will pay huge dividends in the future. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.