The Cost of Covert Narcissism Part
1: Maturity dictates that a person should have and take
personal responsibility, rely on other people to the smallest degree
possible, and most importantly blame no one for the problems in their
lives. Yes all of us have had a unique life experience and some of
us have had many more obstacles than others. Yes we give people with
histories of poor and possibly abusive parenting, and also those with
physical and mental disabilities a partial or total pass. They have
a legitimate case to make for blaming life's circumstances as the
cause of some of their problems as adults. But how many of us
actually had ideal parenting? Yes the younger the generation, the
more their claims of parents letting them down becomes feasible.
Modern day parents are increasingly becoming more selfish and
self-centered and aren't providing their children with the
psychological and possibly physical support that is necessary and
needed and because those parents aren't putting the effort in and the
child is aware of this, those parents lose much of the authority in
that child's life. But is that the end of the story? No. Remember
about personal responsibility and part of that is not copping out and
doing as you please because your parents, in your opinion weren't
there for you and failed to supply all of your needs. But many of
the young do exactly that. These people think themselves to be off
the hook because mom and dad weren't perfect. OK. So how much
debauchery are these young people going to indulge in before they
ruin their own chances to be successful, mentally healthy, and
physically sound adults? It should be noted that none of this video
applies to anyone who had one or both parents who were covert
narcissists. The emotional baggage and dysfunctional thought
patterns that covert parents inflict upon their children can and does
have the ability to cripple someone for life. The exception to this
rule is when those children of covert narcopaths become covert narcs
themselves. In many ways covert narcs who saw the dysfunction of
their covert parents and were well aware of how wrong that way of
life was really have no excuse for having embraced their parents
lifestyle. Yes covert parents can create the most devious covert
narcopaths of all, with experience that starts by observing covert
narcissism early in life. No, these covert creeps do not get a free
pass and in addition they get no sympathy whatsoever for the abuse
they suffered as children. Why? Because these ghouls “payed it
forward” to innocent people who never deserved the treatment they
got. That neutralizes any claims of childhood abuse or using that as
an excuse. That is my opinion, of course. Back to the subject:
Yes an increasingly higher percentage of the young are engaging and
indulging in a hive mind attitude that most if not all adults are
unworthy of respect and are viewed as not having authority. So even
those young people with good parents, who were there for them, begin
searching for excuses to join the ranks of their peers in having the
opinion that adults aren't worth listening to. Well to be clear not
all of the young are this way, but the point is too many are this way
and they are using their parents as an excuse. Nothing comes without
effort and sometimes what we want in life has to be worked for and
immediate gratification has to be delayed. That requires being
willing to deal with adversity and holding on even in the face of
stress and sometimes persevere under conditions of suffering,
suffering that may even be self imposed in the pursuit of a goal.
Yes whether people like it or not, in the end they are the product of
the choices they have made. Choices to do what felt right, choices
to discipline themselves and delay gratification, choices to listen
to or blow off the wise counsel of adults who cared and were worthy
of authority, choices to dwell on being let down by adults and using
that as an excuse. Yes those with physical and mental disabilities
do get a free pass. None of us of sound mind and body should ever
pass judgment on those people. But those people with manufactured
disabilities and manufactured childhood abuse are not off the hook.
They can and should do better. So we reach adulthood and
decide to put the past behind us. We do work for a goal, we do delay
our gratification. We turn our backs on the foolishness of our youth
and get serious about life. This can occur at any age, but the point
is eventually we all need to get to that place. We get to a point
where we think we are ready for a relationship. We meet someone and
believe this could be the one, but we stay tentative since a
relationship is complicated and both people have to be able to offer
something and meet someone else's needs. So maybe things work out
and maybe they don't. Maybe we have several relationships that just
never gel the way we feel they need to. In every single circumstance
we look inside ourselves and try to understand what went wrong and
how it went wrong. Maybe we didn't understand what love and
commitment were. Maybe we made a foolish choice in a partner who we
had nothing in common with. Maybe we needed to work on ourselves.
Maybe we needed to understand what it took to be a worthy partner.
Unfortunately we may have married too young and realized that things
simply couldn't work out. Yes sometimes a person we wanted to spend
the rest of our lives with simply wants it all their way and doesn't
cherish the relationship. Some partners marry with the hope of
simply taking it all for themselves and never have any real intention
of compromising. Some partners are simply so selfish that they make
the other partner miserable and slowly that partner loses themselves,
in the end becoming useless to themselves, their partner and possibly
even society. Yes when in a committed relationship or marriage with
a person who never actually committed to us and never really
appreciated us for ourselves or even loved us we find ourselves in a
relationship with a person who can only take, never give and never
buildup. So sadly we need to part ways with that person. The relief
of freeing ourselves from these selfish self centered abusers gives
us a new lease on life. A new lease in which we realize that it's
much better to be alone than in a bad relationship. Yes we learn
and grow and endeavor to be very careful in ever making another
commitment. We learn the need to know someone at a deep level and
make sure there is a degree of compatibility before a lifetime
commitment is made. So it may well be that we never take the plunge
again and prefer being alone. Yes we believe in love and all that it
entails but our life situation and the responsibilities that life
places in front of us means that we may need to be patient. We may
even need to accept the fact that we will be alone for the balance of
our existence. We learn to have the attitude of stoicism: being
grateful for everything and expecting nothing. Yes we take
responsibility for our lives. Many of us freed ourselves from a
covert narcissist without even having ever been aware of this mental
condition. Or maybe that ex partner was simply pathologically
selfish and had a limited understanding of what it meant to love and
commit. The thing is we understood that we were with a person who
was destroying our individuality and trying to enslave us. We felt
ourselves slipping away and the proof of it all was that we simply
couldn't function, we were increasingly losing more and more
confidence in ourselves and our abilities. All of this at
the hands of a person who was joined to us. Why would someone
undermine a partner when the sabotage of that partner meant that the
relationship as a whole and by association the underminer themselves
would be destroyed? It didn't make sense. It was tough to
understand. So that person who was being subtly abused got out and
took the responsibility for having made a poor choice. But they did
this only after putting in a huge amount of effort. They took their
commitment seriously, but in the end, after having exhausted all
options and putting in every effort it was clear what needed to be
done, but that needed to be a mutual decision. So after much
discussion and debate and looking at things from many different
angles it was mutually agreed to part ways. No doubt was left in
either partner's mind and both partners were comfortable with their
decisions. No regrets. The key for the person having been given a
second chance was to make sure to be very careful in the next
partnership if there would ever be one at all. This may have meant
that many opportunities for the taking were passed over due to the
shell shock of that last relationship. But the key was being
personally responsible, looking inside ourselves and needing to fix
ourselves before we took the plunge. It was all about us building
ourselves up into a person who had the capacity to give, to offer
something of value in a relationship that was mutually beneficial.
Yes love has the ability to take us to the next level of
human existence and achieve things that we never thought possible.
The encouragement of a supportive partner who loves and is committed
to us allows us to make real those things we always imagined were
possible for us to achieve. So we do have the goal of another
relationship in our mind's eye. Working towards that goal we strive
to become a positive, mentally healthy person. It's clear we need to
have something to offer, something to give, something that can be of
value and cherished by our future partner. So after never having
quite met the right person we take years to build ourselves up
preparing for that special person if they should ever come our way.
Responsibilities first. To our loved ones and to our job. We meet
the challenges that life places before us and we try to take God's
will for us into account as well. So maybe it is meant for us to be
alone for an indefinite amount of time. Yes we have learned
stoicism, enduring adversity and being alone but always hoping for
that partner we have prepared for. In my case months before the
arrival of that narcopath something inside of me told me there would
be a “Sea Change”. I somehow “knew” without understanding
how, that a person would enter my life and become my partner without
me lifting a finger. Within 6 months the narcopath walked through
the door. Was the narcopath the one? Not to my way of thinking
but her insistence and that so called premonition seemed to convince
me that this was that thing I had the ambiguous hunch about. Make
no mistake, there was caution and a vetting process of this person.
There was transparency on my end and I wanted my financial situation,
what I was able to offer fully disclosed before any firm decision was
made on her end. She seemed unconcerned about money, citing the fact
that she had more than enough of her own and for both of us. Sure.
Just another one of those easily told lies. The reality was she knew
from the outset this was all just a temporary game. So what did
money mean? She would say whatever was necessary to give the
impression of being a serious partner. Of course the ruse extended to
the future faking, one of the hallmarks of covert narcissism. Yes my
priority of having to have compatible ideas of what the rest of our
lives would be like was also something she fully agreed with. Having
mutually shared and agreed upon goals for the remainder of our lives
together played right into that creep's wicked hands. All of my
questions were answered and the certainty of that person, their
unwavering and comprehensive pronouncements of me being the person
she had been searching for all of her life made a convincing
argument. So the relationship began with the strict understanding
that she needed to be 100% sure and that a lifetime commitment was
made. Yes we would not get into a relationship at all if we didn't
both have the certainty of getting married. Yes that woman agreed to
it all. Yes she was a narcopath. Yes the outcome was preordained.
Yes the resultant upheaval of my life was catastrophic. No an
outsider doesn't need to tell me what a fool I was or how it should
have been obvious. No, this creep wasn't “the one”. But that
premonition about the “Sea Change” was spot on. I had
just joined the ranks of the legions of targets that had been
victimized and abused by a covert narcopath. Those who had the
comfortable stable world they had built for themselves nearly all
destroyed. Yes that was a world that could use some additional
excitement, something to happen, but it could hardly be called a
boring existence or even an unfulfilled existence. Yes many if not
all of those targets did have something to offer and thought that the
narc was the one who finally appreciated all of those efforts at
building themselves up. No. The narc simply saw a source of energy,
a person they could quietly work their magic on and then depart when
they had satisfied their depraved bloodlust. Yes the narc would take
it all and the bulk of the cost would be borne by the discarded
victim. Nice and neat for the narcopath. Devastating for the
victim. Yes those victims are incapacitated and all of the
normal psychological repair mechanisms, all of the self introspection
and willingness to take personal responsibility actually works
against the healing process. The endless cycle of self blame and
head scratching and trying to understand what went wrong begins. But
nothing makes sense. Yes we want to take blame, but nothing we did
ever warranted the treatment, the incredible depraved and calloused
abuse that the narc directed to us. Then we discover covert
narcissism and slowly the pieces of a puzzle come together. Years
and decades of taking personal responsibility need to be thrown out
of the window in this particular situation, if we are ever to find
the actual source of what just happened to us. Yes in this rare
circumstance the only way out is to find out the truth. Maybe that
partner wasn't a covert narcopath. Maybe we are to blame for what
went wrong, or at least partly to blame. Yes we always keep that
possibility open. But time and the words and actions of that covert
narc make our conclusion almost undeniable. So we place the blame
where it belongs: on someone else's shoulders. Yes we were conned,
we were deceived,, we may have even been naive. But then again maybe
we were vigilant and saw the lies, saw the lack of empathy. Of
course those revelations came later, when we were already fully
intertwined in the relationship. Maybe we were studied in
psychology. Maybe we did see glaring deficiencies in that narcopath.
But the fact that we weren't aware of covert narcissism means we can
forgive ourselves for almost all of that tragic encounter. But being
that we are interested in taking personal responsibility, what was
our role in that relationship? Yes, with all of this talk
about personal responsibility, where does the target's actual
responsibility come into the conversation? What exactly did the
target do wrong? It ends up being one thing: The target believed the
narcopath. That was the mistake they made or sin they committed
plain and simple. The minute we add even one additional word or
sentence to that statement, the minute we expand that narrative, the
blame once again shifts right back onto the covert narcissist's
shoulders. So we stop right there. Just to give an example, if we
say we were mistaken to believe in the narcopath that is true, but
the implication is clear: It implies that the narcopath let us down,
and of course they did. Another example is that we could say it was
our fault that we believed the covert narcissist's lies. Certainly
outsiders are always telling us it was our fault that we were so
naive, so easily willing to believe. But the explanation we are
compelled to give always leads down the same road. Those naysayers
are making comments on a situation, a very personal and intimate
interaction between two people that they have no knowledge of
whatsoever. So we are then once again forced to get into the details
of covert narcissism. That involves discussing the dark warped
malevolence that would cause another human being to have motivations
the average person could never conceive of. It requires us to
explain the incredible deviousness that would make a seemingly sane
person invest in a false and phony persona and invest huge amounts of
energy to make the target believe all of the lies the narcopath
associates with their false charade. So again the focus is placed on
the narco paths wrongdoings. To get around this, we
simply tell ourselves we believed the narcopath, that was our
transgression. To my mind at present that is the culmination, the
end result of the healing process. That is the final conclusion that
allows us to go on. We do this once we are healed and have fully
accepted that sole mistake that we have made. Getting to that
determination meant investing all of our time and efforts into
understanding why we believed the narcopath and realizing that we
were victimized. Part of coming to that realization meant analyzing
our own personal situation and understanding how we could possibly
believe in the good of someone who was just pretending to be good.
So we go on with our lives and put that sad chapter of
our existence behind us. Yes we have gained an education and we paid
a high price for that knowledge. We will put that knowledge to good
use in the future. Yes many of us have reached the Autumn of our
lives and are approaching the Winter and we will endeavor to make the
best of what is left. Those younger victims have their whole lives
ahead of them and the key for these people is to realize that
although they are far more impressionable and in a sense were more
vulnerable to the covert narcopath, they are also more resilient.
The darkness does fade and it is possible to fully purge ourselves of
the toxic mindset and relationship patterns that the covert narcopath
purposefully inflicted upon us. We just need to learn and become
aware. Yes the young often suffer much more emotional and
psychological trauma and have fewer tools to combat the pain that
reaches deep inside, but they have resilience and plasticity. Keep
in mind that no human, young or old, that has just recently been
discarded by a narcopath can be reasoned with or even reached. The
truth takes time to absorb. But remember others have been where you
are. Others have felt the incredible pain of being abandoned and
hopeless with no way forward. We get as much emotional support as
possible from those around us, knowing full well that they will never
understand. We learn from those who do understand. People who may
have never even met us. We slowly pull ourselves out of the deep
dark place that narcopath left us in. We meet people in real life
who may never understand but they assist us simply by being there and
doing what they can to help rebuild our lives and that restores our
faith in humanity. Remember you believed the narcopath, that is all
you are guilty of and after going into all of the necessary details
you will see that it wasn't your fault at all what happened to you.
Also remember that no partner is required to be perfect,
but they are required to be truthful when they make a commitment and
pronounce their love. You were truthful, the narc wasn't. Every
human being on this earth is allowed to rethink things and dissolve a
relationship, but the commitment made requires at least some effort
to give feedback and some chance for a partner to make things right
or at least be informed of what went wrong. Well of course no
truthful answers will ever come from a narcopath and the reasons for
their departure will never be disclosed. No the narc simply leaves,
goes no contact without the slightest understanding of why.
Conversely that narc will come up with a lame and nonsensical excuse.
The answers become clear for the victim from other sources. Yes the
truth that the narc either never talks about or simply lies to us
about needs to be found elsewhere and independently, from other
sources. The answers are unbelievable and come as an incredible
shock. The narc never loved us, they never cared, they were never
committed. Yes the person the narc portrayed themselves as and their
attraction to the qualities we worked so hard to cultivate in
ourselves was all a lie, a farce. Most every pronouncement that came
out of the narc's lips was either embellished, purposefully
inaccurate, or an outright fallacy. Yes the whole relationship
was an intricately fabricated stage set, a game and that narcopath
never had any regard for our humanity or anything we stood for at
all. Yes the pre-planned game was played and the narc was going to
win. The stage had been set for the narc's next phony fantasy and
we were cast as the naive fool who deserved to be a victim. A person
who had the audacity to actually believe we were worthy of the narc
seeing us as their equal. Yes those of us foolish enough to expect
truth, respect, and to be treated like an equal deserved to be given
a rude and painful awakening when the narc finally asserted their
god-like sovereignty over us and departed. That narc felt it was
their full right to deplete us of nearly all of our life force. That
meal they took was the cost of us having the privilege of being in
their presence. The narc created the perfect environment that gave
them the feedback their bloodlust required. Yes by fully
capitalizing on the natural love bond every healthy person bestows
upon their partner and withdrawing that relationship suddenly the
narc gave themselves an aura of superiority and that feeling was pure
energy for them. Yes that narc in the end fed off of the pain and
distress they caused their ex partner, while oftentimes
simultaneously getting huge amounts of positive energy from a new
partner that aided them in their abuse of the ex. So the damage
is done and the discarded partner can't understand and is totally
shocked. The steep learning curve of understanding the dynamics of
what happened to them leaves the targeted victim no choice but to
fully study and comprehend the dark twisted world of covert
narcissism. The repair process goes through ups and downs leading to
rage, despair, hopelessness and feelings of utter worthlessness.
Some of these covert creeps add to all of this by threatening the
target with even more abuse. Those threats could be physical,
financial, or psychological. What makes these threats so powerful and
real for the victim is that the victim is already doubting their own
perceptions of reality, making them extremely vulnerable to believing
in even the most remotely feasible dangers. Yes when the foundation
of your world has been destroyed and shown to be a farce, you become
functionally paranoid and unable to trust almost anything anymore and
give feasibility to even the most remote possibilities. So yes those
“benign” threats are like a loaded gun being aimed right at your
head or the head of a loved one. That metaphorical gun is something
you never handled or were ever exposed to. You saw that level of
violence as something you would never be anywhere near. But
unbeknownst to you that violent malevolence was right beside you,
rooting itself into your very heart and soul. Yes that evil
narcopath seemed like your best friend on earth, the only person who
“got” you and an angel of light. The nightmare that ensued
obfuscated the true nature of that parasitic beast as it rooted
itself deeper and deeper into your psyche. Only at the time of
discard did the true identity and nature of that creature become
visible. So naturally there was a shock. But the target
goes on, picking themselves up day after day and makes painfully slow
progress. Adding to the problem is that no one cares to understand.
So the sad fact is that most of us have to go it alone. Sometimes
each day seems to be more of a struggle than the last even when the
progress is clearly visible and things are getting better. The
adversity that these covert creeps bring upon their victims produces
incredible emotional pain that manifests itself in many different
ways and often seems to come out of nowhere for no discernible
reason. Other times that pain is triggered by something that
directly or even indirectly brings back a memory of that narcopath's
abuse and this can legitimately be called PTSD. All of this creates
an atmosphere of hopelessness even in the face of progress. But we
go on fighting for hope, fighting for faith, fighting to regain
ourselves and our self confidence. No, success may still not be
guaranteed so we persevere and do what we did so long ago: delay our
gratification. Not that we want to, but because we have no choice.
We have work to do: on ourselves, on our finances, on our attitude.
No we aren't good for anyone right now but we work to be good for
someone in the future. Yes help in the form of a partner may well be
on the horizon and that person may take us the rest of the way to
being back to where we started before the narcopath. But for now we
need to continue on with no guarantees. Yes that narc stole years of
our lives that goes far beyond the actual duration of the
relationship and it is up to us to heal ourselves and put back the
pieces of our lives. It is up to us to rebuild better than before
and make the healing process move along as rapidly and efficiently as
possible. Yes it all goes back to taking personal responsibility
while at the same time realizing that nothing of what that narc did
to us was deserved or warranted. Yes it was fully the narc's fault
and responsibility for what happened in that relationship, but it's
fully our responsibility to repair the damage to ourselves and our
environment. So the cost to us is huge, but the gain will be ours as
well. The narc will no longer steal the fruits of our labor or
victimize us and that is a good thing. Make no mistake,
that narc was a tragedy and even though we will be better off after
having rebuilt ourselves that isn't the point. The narc robbed us of
years or decades of our life and caused immeasurable emotional pain
and distress of indescribable intensity and variability and of
unbelievable duration. Yes adversity can make us stronger and more
complete people, but let's be very clear: We would have been much
better off if that narc never darkened our doorstep. The gains we
make are totally a result of our own efforts as well as the help of
other people and for the believer, God showing us the way. Yes for
some of us we would never have made it without God's support and
guidance. So even if that tragedy of covert narcissism ended up
benefiting us in the end it's absolutely no thanks to the covert
narcopath. The narc was a flood, a fire, an earthquake or any other
natural disaster or severe illness that forced us to reach inside
ourselves and reach out to God. But that disaster should never be
seen as anything but the tragedy that it was, something we would
have been better off never having experienced. So what
about the cost of covert narcissism to the narc themselves? Well
that has been discussed previously. Our love for the narcopath ran
deep and couldn't simply be turned off. We were deeply invested in
that person and their welfare. We cared very much about that
narcopath and even in the middle of that abuse we saw clearly what
that narcopath was doing to themselves in their acts of depraved
treachery. Many of us warned those narcs and our efforts were
scoffed at and portrayed as transparent ploys to manipulate. OK. So
the target did what they were supposed to do, did what their genuine
love for that covert creep dictated for them to do. Yes the
target does have empathy and does care, but when it comes to the
narcopath they can wash their hands of the situation with a fully
clean and clear conscience. They can quarantine or even erase that
narc from their thoughts without losing an ounce of their integrity
or kindness or empathy. Yes the victim has only the damage done by
the narc to focus on. The victim is forced to focus on themselves
simply to survive. The target has accepted the responsibility for
believing the narcopath and sees that this is the extent of their
responsibility. That truth is empowering and healing. It is a
truth that peels away all of the layers of toxicity and emotional
baggage and gets to the very heart, the essence of the target's
problem without attaching any emotion. That truth frees the target
and convicts the narcopath. The narc has made their bed and now they
sleep in it and the victim knows for sure they can do nothing to
change that narco paths gruesome fate. It is not the target's
problem or responsibility what happens to the narcopath and that is
because the narcopath made it that way and wanted it that way. So
the narc gets what they want. Yes the saying be careful what you
wish for because you may actually get it never rang truer.
Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be
with you.
End Comments: The covert
narcissist doesn’t understand that life is based upon an honor
system. Frequently the way to happiness, joy, and fulfillment is
the hard way, the counterintuitive way, a way that would make no
sense. But our responsibilities force us to take that path. Only
later do we understand that the hard way was the correct way. The
narc has a childlike vision of the world. They take whatever they
can. They see the “bright shiny object” and just have to have
it. Yes they take all of the whole low hanging fruit and then they
see some more fruit that doesn’t belong to them and steal that as
well. To the narc's way of thinking, that is there’s the secret
to success. But the narc
that’s lived decades of their existence with this philosophy has
nothing to point to, no successes. Frequently, covert narcopaths
are the most unhappy, miserable, angry and bitter human beings on
earth. Those who live behind closed doors with these creeps can
attest to this. The complaining and lack of satisfaction with just
about everything is sickening. Literally. What
makes a narc happy? A fresh piece of meat, otherwise known as a new
target to victimize and feast on and finish off to the bone. The
narc leaves only scraps. Those scraps that remain are all that the
victim has to work with in the beginning stages of rebuilding their
lives. The narc is a parasite because they refuse to do the
things necessary to generate their own happiness and joy. So the
narc can only take. One of the narc's many talents is to give the
appearance of being generous and of giving while in reality they are
receiving far more benefits than the costs that they incur.
The narc can only
steal from others and because of this any so-called accomplishments
or just flimsy fake versions of the real thing.
