Reaping the Benefits of Healing after Narcissist Abuse: Patience and Daily Work are Key: You have gone through a couple of months with No Contact from the narc and then one day you think about all that the narc did to you, but you no longer take it personally. You are intimately aware of all of the details of what the narc did, but you just think about it all with detached amazement. You say to yourself: “Wow, it is inconceivable that that type of person could exist and be so wicked, I would of never have believed it possible. Too bad for them. I will be on the lookout for people like this in the future and very gently detach myself and get away if I meet another one. Thank goodness I am free of all of that negativity.” Yes, you have worked hard fighting your way out of the dark world of the narc. You didn't start out that way, did you? No, you wanted back into the relationship. You can call it Stockholm Syndrome or liken it to a person who just got released after a 20 year prison sentence. You aren't really sure what to do with your life in this sunny, positive world, or what to do with your freedom, so you actually want to go back into your cell and live the comfortable life that you were so used to. A harsh, restrained existence where you were fed crumbs of emotional support and pretended they were a fine meal. You needed to use your imagination and pretend everything was great. Now you are free and it's become your responsibility to never return to that cell. It is time to live life, and you have worked hard for the freedom. That freedom is the mental freedom of no longer catering every thought to the welfare of the narc, no longer spending huge amounts of time thinking about new ways to satisfy and please the narc. The narc programmed you to want to please and satisfy them and at the same time they purposely made it impossible to ever attain that goal by constantly changing the goalposts. The result: continuous turmoil , frustration, self-doubt on your end, and a gradual decline in your self confidence and self esteem. In the end you thought of your self as having no value and you weren't capable of doing anything right. So the work began after the discard and you learned about covert narcs and applied that knowledge to your own situation. You fought hard to detect all of the toxic thoughts and emotions that the narc had injected your heart and soul with and you worked on eliminating those toxins by allowing your heart and mind to process, filter and eliminate them from your life. Every dark thought had to be met head on, not buried and in my case it was and still is being given to God. How many times have you heard it in these videos, “Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord”. This worked and continues to work for me, but the results are not always immediate. Every narcissist victim needs to come to grips with what was done to them as soon as possible, because there does need to be a day when you truly have moved on and you no longer think about or worry about narcissism. That has to be your goal, even though you can't give yourself an ultimatum or time limit to be 100% narc free. 100% narc free means not thinking of the narc partner and no longer thinking about narcissism in general. Yes, you will be gun shy and looking out for other narcissists, but over time even that can be eliminated. If you are lucky enough not to have been married to and you don't have any children with the narc, you will eventually recognize your good fortune and blessings. If you share children with the narc, but are unmarried, that can be made to work. Both of the unmarried partners NEVER entered into the sacred vows of marriage with that narc creature and are at least technically not obligated to return to that toxic, dark environment EVER again. The poor souls unfortunate enough to have been deceived into marrying these beasts are in a much tougher situation and I will not speak to that subject. I have personally had a divorce and I did consider myself a Christian. Was my ex wife a narc? Probably, and I never even realized it at the time. It is never recommended that anyone get a divorce but I can totally understand why people do get a divorce. Especially with a full blown narc that refuses to be faithful and loyal, and who doesn't have an ounce of genuine love or empathy. But that is between you and God. I am at peace with my decision to get a divorce and I was ready to be alone the rest of my life rather than spend another day with my ex wife. That was my decision, I will never advocate divorce to anyone else. So I will now speak to those who are free of their narc partner. For those of us that were discarded, we as victims couldn't even allow ourselves to think or believe that our partner could truly just abandon us and never have a second thought about us or any concern about us at all. This was just too harsh a reality to think about right after the narc's departure. Months have gone by, and that reality has now proven itself in actual experience. Yes, the narc told you they loved you, made you feel like the relationship was at its peak and getting better, then one week later left abruptly and never wanted to talk to you again, EVER. Never even allowed one honest conversation to take place. Now, months later, you think about this with detached amazement and are almost amused by the fact that a creature like this actually exists and you had an intimate relationship with them. You are amazed at the fact that you were totally blind to the nature of that person, because you are now very intimately aware of what darkness and evil resided below that angelic surface. The actual demon behind the mask. All you can do is shake your head and breathe a sigh of relief. You realize you are so fortunate it is over. You dodged a bullet. Then something incredible happens to you, you start smiling and have true joy and you now fully comprehend the blessing that you received by having the narc removed from your life. Previously, you were bitter and angry at losing the most important thing in your life, your relationship with the narc. All you wanted was God's help to restore what you had lost. You now fully understand that God was showing you the greatest love, compassion, and kindness you ever received from Him when He removed that narc, and didn't give you what you were asking for. You are now breathing fresh air and you feel lighter and so much more joyful and there is sunshine in your life again. You know that it is only a matter of time before you do meet someone that is positive and has the capacity for genuine love and empathy. A person that will be interested in honest communication and in building a solid, healthy relationship. But it is not time yet. You still feel that incredible bond and obligation to honor the lifetime commitment that you made to that person. You still can't fully accept that your partner, the person you were presented with as being your partner, isn't buried deep inside that shell of a being you spent all of those years with. But you are at least open to the possibility of a new relationship and in some ways looking forward to it. There is someone out there that will be placed in your life, and when you meet that person, you will fully comprehend the incredible gift you were given when the narc was removed. They were removed to make room for a genuinely good person that is far better, far superior in every way to the person that you lost. Only you can prevent this from happening, by insisting on the narc and the narc alone, or by accepting another low quality relationship in an effort to rush the healing process. Patience is key. Thank you for watching, comments are always welcomed.

The Common Denominator of the Neglected Abused Narc and the Overindulged Narc It is a source of great mystery and wonderment that neglecting or abusing a child can produce a similar effect to doing just the opposite, overindulging a child and giving them everything their way. Those parents that treat a child of 4 or 5 like an adult, give them everything their way, but also push them into activities the child would prefer not to participate in are a separate category. Please note: we are talking about extreme examples of mis-parenting and there are also strong-willed or difficult children that can overwhelm even the best intentioned parents. There are probably many other possible ways to create a narcissist, but let's focus on the concept of right and wrong, good and bad as they relate to narcissism. This will be our main topic. We will also briefly discuss trust and respect as it relates to narcissism. 1. Parenting styles that predispose children to narcissism: A. The Overindulged Narcissist: “Modern” Parenting: To understand the origins of the explosion in the number of overindulged narcissists you need to go back to a book entitled “Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care” written by Dr. Benjamin Spock and first published in 1946. Modern day parenting, which is permissive and advocates not injuring the child's self-esteem has it's origins in this book. This book advocated accommodating children's feelings and catering to their preferences. Previously children had been brought up to respect authority and parents taught children self-denial and delayed gratification. Now, instead the home was to become child-centered, with an emphasis on allowing the child to develop their own “freedom of expression”. The child was to be heavily praised, whether they deserved it or not, in an effort to build the child's self-esteem. The concept of positive and negative reinforcement was eliminated and there was to be only minimal correction by the parent in an effort to let the child develop unbridled from parental influence. So there was mostly praise with minimal negative feedback from the parent. This parenting philosophy grew in momentum and started becoming noticeable by the early 1960's . At that time, the people practicing this style of parenting were still in a minority and considered the exception. An episode of a 1960's sitcom, Bewitched, Episode 26, Season 4 titled “Playmates” seemed to show the folly of this method, and nearly all parents of the day were in agreement that this was no way to raise a child. But the tide turned and nowadays disciplining a child, telling them they need to do better, and teaching them the concept of absolute right and wrong is considered out-dated and to some people they even consider this child abuse. At least that is how the popular media portrays it and the evidence of this type of parenting is all around us. Thank goodness most parents aren't adhering to this concept, they simply try to incorporate portions of it into a more traditional form of parenting. The problem is, a greater and greater percentage of people are parenting by this method hard core as true believers. B. The Neglected Abused Narcissist: In Contrast, the neglected or abused narcissist got either no feedback or inappropriate or incorrect feedback for their actions. Meaning that the neglected narc frequently never got praised or even acknowledged for doing good and frequently never got the appropriate feedback for doing bad. In some warped situations the narc child may actually have received the greatest praise when they did the wrong thing, such as stealing or successfully lying to someone. So this child has literally been trained that evil is good. Can you think of anything sadder than that? C. Conclusion: No Subtlety for the Narcissist: So what is the point? What is the common denominator? Both the overindulged and the abused narcissist were never taught to understand the true meaning of right and wrong, good and bad, because these narcs never received the proper feedback from their parents. No rewards that were proportional to a good deed and no punishment that was also in proportion to a bad deed. Because of this, the narcs never developed a sense of proportionality, the subtle wrongness or rightness of an action was never pointed out to them at a crucial time in their development. In other words, the narc never learned to notice the subtleties of good and bad during their development, when they would have intuitively learned all of these differences easily and developed an intuitive understanding of right and wrong in all of its various manifestations. So the narc can't notice the subtle mixture of right and wrong, good and bad, in themselves or in others. This doesn't mean the narc doesn't understand what is right and wrong, but to the narc, a person can only be right or wrong, good or bad, with very little if any provisions for a complex mixture of the two in one person. Add to this the twisted parenting that some abused neglected narcs endure and you create a person that looks normal on the outside, but literally has no moral compass, or what morality they have is twisted or reversed. The narc soon learns this fact and understands they are not like others, so they learn to mimic correct actions on the outside to fit in. II. Traditional Parenting: Positive and Negative Feedback, Accurate Self Assessment: A. General: Let's go into more detail on the parenting issue. The traditional way of bringing up a child gives consequences for bad behavior in the form of punishment and rewards good behavior in the form of praise, or anything desirable to the child. This is known as positive and negative reinforcement. Part of the problem with today's moral relativism is the concept of there being no absolute right or wrong- it's all relative, but even the narcissist and anyone with an ounce of common sense intuitively understands there is a right and wrong, good and bad. The additional societal problems, the concept of every child having equal capabilities, every child deserving an award regardless of achievement, and the above concept of anything negative injuring the child's self-esteem will be put aside. Let's focus on the right and wrong concept. So here is what happens with traditional parenting. A child does something wrong and is made aware that they did something wrong. This gives the child accurate feedback, a way of developing a pattern of self-assessment. The wrong thing could simply be a mistake, which requires the child to be made aware of it and try to learn and do better next time, or it can be an act of willful disobedience. Every wrong act will require different degrees and types of punishment, but the feedback has to be given. The subtle ways of correcting or disciplining a child, giving negative feedback, that is, were developed over hundreds and thousands of years and refined to a point where the average family, and society in general had a good idea, a rational general consensus of how to raise a child. The presence of extended family members, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, were also reservoirs of wisdom that could always be tapped. In other words, if someone needed help in how to raise a child, there were plenty of people with the knowledge and wisdom to provide it. The modern day system simply discarded those thousands of years of child rearing wisdom and reinvented nearly everything from scratch. Getting back to tradition, praise, or any other form of positive feedback was also developed to a high, subtle art, through hundreds and thousands of years of trial and error. Excessive praise for something that did not merit it, or the opposite, not giving negative feedback , was considered incorrect and referred to as spoiling the child. The positive feedback had to be proportional to the good thing that the child did. As an aside, it should also be noted that there are times when both withholding punishment or withholding praise is the best course and sometimes tough love requires a parent to push their child, but all of this gets into the most complicated problem a person will probably ever encounter- the parenting of a child. Please don't take these remarks personally. The best thing to be said is that if a child knows unequivocally that they are loved, nothing else is more important. Let's get back to the subject of narcissists, the common denominator that creates the narcissist. B. The Common Denominator for Narcissists: The neglected or abused child that becomes a narcissist received excessive, undeserved, incorrect, and inappropriate negative feedback and minimal, or incorrect, or inappropriate positive feedback. The overindulged child got minimal if any negative feedback and got excessive, unmerited, or inappropriate positive feedback. C. Normal children have a conscience, are aware of the full spectrum of human existence and can admit to personal flaws: So here is the point to be made. A child that is properly raised is aware of right and wrong and that right behavior is good and wrong behavior is bad. They are aware that doing something wrong is bad and will have negative consequences and doing something good will be rewarded or have positive consequences. This produces a child that has a conscience and an ability to accurately assess themselves and the courage to admit they did something wrong as well as the ability to feel remorse. These children have been exposed to the full spectrum of human emotions and existence and they intuitively learn about the complexities of the people around them as well as their own complexities, since they are given a method to understand and analyze themselves, as well as those around them. These children understand it is OK to make a mistake and to do something wrong, because there are so many other aspects of a person and these negative things are only a small percentage of the overall person. So a balanced, normal person will admit their mistakes or the flaw in their character, but realizing that this is only a small portion of their persona, that normal person will have the courage to admit the mistake or flaw and endeavor to minimize or eliminate those undesirable parts of themselves. The driving force and incentive behind this self assessment and change is a healthy conscience and healthy feelings of guilt and remorse that the normal person listens to and learns from. The narc, not fully comprehending the complexities of right and wrong , never develops that all important conscience or if the narc has a conscience, they end up ignoring it and eventually the conscience gets seared and is no longer present. A similar case can be made for the narc's lack of remorse and empathy. A normal person matures over a lifetime and that person is both confident and comfortable with themselves, because that person has developed a lifestyle that is open to change, honest self assessment and continual self-improvement. The Christian has the added guidance of the Bible that serves as a constant gold standard to compare oneself to. The Christian has no illusions as to their own greatness, since they need only think about Jesus, who lived a perfect, sinless life or many of the Biblical characters that had extraordinary faith that no ordinary person could even come close to. The saying “no one is perfect” is an obvious truth, but the narcissist can never accept even the slightest imperfection in themselves, because their upbringing has prevented them from seeing the complexities of others as well as their own complexities. It is all good or all bad for the narc, nothing in between. III. The Tragic Result of Not Being able to Self-Assess and Admit Personal Flaws Is Narcissism: To put things a slightly different way, in either the neglected or overindulged narcissist, accurate positive or negative feedback was absent in their upbringing and they therefore don't have the ability to accurately assess themselves and therefore, there is the absence of a conscience, or remorse, or empathy. The lack of empathy comes from the narc's inability to understand others. These narcs haven't been parented to experience the full range of feedback that would provide a foundation and framework of a conscience. A conscience or feeling remorse can only be possible if someone can think about their own wrong actions. Again, the narc has an oversimplified concept of humanity. A person is either 100% good or 100% bad to the narcissist, and the narc will fight tooth and nail to always come out as the person who is 100% good regardless of who is to blame. The actual facts of who is right or good, or who is wrong or bad is irrelevant to the narc. The narc can tell good from evil, right from wrong, but that is not what interests the narc. The narc is only focused on the appearance of good and they will do whatever it takes to have the label of “good” for themselves and those they decide to idealize in their idealization phase of a relationship. Additionally, there will always have to be those people labeled as “bad” to contrast with those who are labeled “good”. IV. Respect and Trust for the Narcissist: Both types of narc have a problem with respect for others and trusting others. The neglected abused narcissist has a problem trusting their parents,who have let them down and this transfers to other people as well. This lack of trust causes a lack of respect for others as well. The overindulged narcissist has a lack of respect for their parents, as well as those around them and this lack of respect makes it more difficult to trust the opinions or views or motivations of other people. 5. Conclusion: In summary when you combine an inability to trust and respect others, with an inability to understand the complexity of the human condition with regards to good and bad, with a lack of conscience or remorse then you can begin to understand some of the motivations of the narcissist, why they do some of the things that they do. That can be the subject of a future video. We have spent far too long in the dark world of the narcissist. It's time to get back into the sunlight. Back to a world where good is good and evil is evil. A world where love, empathy, kindness exist. A world where people present themselves as honestly as possible to their partners and believe in the power of communication and accurate feedback to their partner. A world where people have a conscience and are committed to growth and being positive. That world does exist for many people and as a narc abuse survivor, just being away from the narc has already begun to make that a reality for the victim. Thank you for watching, peace be with you. Your comments are always welcomed.

Time and the Narcissist The passage of time and space makes your tentative label of narcissist on your partner more and more accurate. At any time the narcissist could have proven you wrong. They could have shown up in your life and been truly sorry and given a heartfelt apology. They could have just been upset about a disagreement that you had and needed some time alone to gather their thoughts. Maybe the heat of the moment and the aftermath required time and after gathering their thoughts the narc would become rational again. All of this is understandable and would have been totally normal. Here is the problem. The narc never saw the error of their ways. The narc never came back to repair things. Instead, the narc immediately jumped into a new intimate relationship and immediately treated that new person as if they had been with that person for years and you, their true intimate partner for literally over 3 1/2 years, as a stranger. That is bizarre, just by hearing about it. No normal human being could do such a thing, no one that actually felt love, empathy, remorse or had a conscience. No one who ever took any responsibility for their part in a disagreement. No one who ever had a commitment to another human being in a relationship could do that. No one could just walk away from a relationship and literally never have a single two way conversation with someone they purported to love ever again. Never even one honest exchange with the person they discarded. This is the definition of being hardhearted if there ever was one. Each hour, day, week and month going by made the judgment on the narc firmer and firmer. At any time shortly after the discard, the narc could have repaired everything and as more time went by, the narc's lack of concern, love, and commitment for their previous partner became more and more obvious and undeniable. The narcissist looks upon time and space as their friend in this scenario, but in reality it just made the damage they had done to their partner greater and greater, and the narc will eventually have to pay for all of the damage he has done. So the longer the time, the greater the damage, the greater the amount that needs to be paid. Going back further , the narcissist had time and was given many chances in the past, not just a second chance. But they squandered the opportunity, because they didn't take that time to analyze what went wrong, accept responsibility, and do better next time. They injured many people over the course of their lives. They got away Scot free over and over again, so you imagine that would have given them some pause, thinking that eventually their luck would run out. Not so for the narc. Each slimy escape from the mess and discord they caused emboldened the narc further and made them even more sophisticated in their ability to deceive and mask or cover up their nefarious, evil activities of cheating and lying to their partners. Pretending to care, pretending to love, pretending to have remorse and empathy and commitment, pretending, pretending, pretending. Pretending to pretend. Pretending not to pretend. Confusing their victims and unknowingly also eventually confusing themselves without knowing it. Like a gambler, or an addict, the narc can't help themselves. Each win makes them gamble more and eventually they lose big time and end up sucked up in their own deception as everything blows up and the narc as well as the victim are severely wounded. That wasn't supposed to happen. Everything was in place for a controlled demolition. The narc would set the charges and watch at a distance as he hit the button and the victim's world carefully tumbled down all around them. It was all the victim's fault, the narc was far away. The narc wasn't the one who set the explosives, and for that matter who says there were explosives. Maybe the victim's world just tumbled down because of shoddy workmanship. Unfortunately this time the explosives went off prematurely, before the narc made a full escape. No problem, just blame everything on the victim and make the victim feel guilty and totally responsible for all that occurred. Then walk away, institute no contact, and prevent the victim from rectifying anything the narc told him he had done wrong. Are you getting the metaphor? So the passage of time makes the narcissist more and more confident in their ability to pull things off, but here is the sad part, at least for my narc. They become overconfident and are so totally deluded that their deceptive behavior, which they are so confident in as being undetectable, ends up being obvious. The narc is now actually unwittingly deceiving themselves and lying to themselves in the plane sight of the public. Their bizarre behavior is clearly abnormal. Their inability to think cohesive thoughts is obvious as they construct infantile ways of trying to deceive their former partner on social media. How sad. The passage of time also makes the narc at least begin to worry about eventually having to pay for all that he has done. Pay for it in this world, that is. After all, the narc does know right from wrong and he is aware of the fact that although he got away with all that he did, he still was really the one who should have suffered, because he knows that he did wrong. So over time at least presumably, the narc will start worrying about being abandoned the way he has done to others so many times in the past. The narc will eventually be able to trust people even less because he is fully aware of how treacherous a human being can be. He knows this from his own personal conduct towards others. Then we get to the ultimate effects of time. We all get older. The narc will age and eventually not be quite as attractive to the opposite sex and over time, there is also a possibility of losing mental capacity. This is presumably a great concern for the narc who uses both their physical appearance and mind as tools of deception. Finally there is the subject of what happens after we die. My narc told me on numerous occasions that they were not heaven bound, “I'm not going to a good place” as they used to say and I was never able to tie them down as to why they were saying this. I truly assumed the narc didn't mean it, but now I am thinking the narc may well be right. The narc may already be aware that she is beyond redemption, and sadly after all I have experienced her do I am thinking she might be correct. So if the narc's ultimate punishment is either complete annihilation or eternal anguish and pain and distress in Hell and the narc is aware of this possibility then there is no question that time is not the narcissist's friend. Let's hope the narc is one of those that does still have a chance. Thank you for watching, your comments are welcomed.

The Goal of No Contact For the Discarded Victim: The Narc Must Be Dead to You True recovery from narc abuse and a return to mental health requires the victim to totally purge the narc from their system. The day you say to yourself “I don't care what the narc is doing or what will happen to the narc” is a pivotal day. It's the day you can see real, tangible progress. This means you don't care if the narc is in pain or turmoil or suffering or if the narc is doing well with their new relationship. You truly don't care anymore. The no contact period had many phases and it seems you have arrived at the final phase for yourself when you no longer care. But let's be clear , this progress may only be temporary or short-lived. But as long as you never see or hear from the narc again, you may actually have arrived at the end of the tunnel, or you can see the light at the end. My personal journey to this point took place in 6 phases as follows. Lets have a brief look at the phases of no contact, and try to assess the progress made. Please note, this is referring to the narc abuse victim that has been suddenly discarded, not the victim trying to get rid of the narc. Phase 1: Your concern about the welfare of the narc, how they felt, how they were doing, if everything was OK with them constituted the first phase of no contact for you. The bizarre scenario where you still really loved and cared for them and wanted nothing but the best for the narc, while at the same time the narc presented themselves as your worst enemy and instituted a cold policy of NO CONTACT with you. Of course, in this phase, you may not even have been aware of covert narcissism and you just assumed the narc partner was a normal person capable of love, remorse, and empathy. Phase 2: The learning phase, where you did multiple web searches, using the bizarre behavior you had observed and wondered at as criteria for web searches. For me that was cold lack of empathy, lying , psychopathic behavior. I actually searched my web browsing history, especially my YouTube browsing history and I went from sociopaths, then to psychopaths, then to covert narcissists. When I arrived at the covert narcissist I had the beginnings of getting answers. Phase 3: After coming to the tentative conclusion that your partner is a covert narcissist you entered the discovery phase where you had to try to answer the questions and try to understand what was going on with the narc and what was really going on in the relationship. This required reassessing and reanalyzing every word and every occurrence and every interaction you had with the narc and then reinterpreting everything with your new knowledge. I will now give three examples that actually happened to me to illustrate the point. There are many more. First, in May I got a very short hair cut and when my partner saw me right after, she was very excited about it, more that I would have expected. She then made the comment that it reminded her of a military cut and she really liked it. I received a lot of attention from her just because of the haircut and I was confused as to why this was so important to her. How uncanny that she was totally into military men and has befriended many military men and chose one as her intimate buddy right after the discard, about 6 months later. Second, my narc partner made the comment on the Adele song titled “Hello”, she stated: “that song perfectly describes my life, I totally relate to the lyrics”. I later that day looked the song up on the internet and was shocked. The song was all about a man who had been so hurt by the breakup that the woman couldn't even talk to him and tell him how sorry she was. That's how destroyed the man was. Now being in a great relationship and having your partner say she relates to this lyric hits you like a lightning bolt. When confronted with the lyric, the narc simply does a classic diversion and no clear answer is obtained. This is so seamless, that you just move on, subconsciously already knowing you will never get any more clarity on the subject. Looking back on it, you now understand that you were already conditioned by the narc to accept ambiguity and you were never even aware of it. Third, during one of our times of peace and intimacy she starts talking about a stalker she once had and hoping that I wouldn't be like that. She had brought this up once before about a year previous. This was puzzling to me and I wanted her to clarify , so I told her “but we are in a committed relationship, so why are you even worried about me stalking?” at which point she changed the subject and minimized what she just said. How blind our trust is in the evil narc, how willing the victim is to believe their lies. Not 2 months later came the sudden and unexpected discard. So let's think about this. Judging from the above three occurrences, I come to a number of conclusions with my 20 20 hindsight. Let's tackle them in order of appearance. The military man reference clearly shows she was already looking for someone different than her current partner and was already convincing herself that a veteran or military man that loved animals was more the type that she wanted to be with and she was beginning to do research and making friends. The Adele song opens up three possibilities. 1, She was cheating on me with another man and suddenly ended it. 2, She is talking about a past relationship that she tried to rekindle while with me. 3, She is already plotting my painful discard and has given her hidden intentions away. Then the comment about stalking, someone stalking her in the past. According to the narc, you were only the second person she was ever with, the first boyfriend wasn't an intimate relationship, then her husband, then you. But somewhere in between came the “stalker”. Well it is possible that that stalker took things too seriously, but based on my knowledge of the narc, I find it highly possible that we are dealing with another intimate relationship where the narc made all sorts of promises and then pulled away unexpectedly and suddenly. As for me being only the second person she was ever with. That is highly unlikely when I look back on things now, but I will spare the details and evidence I discovered about her past. It isn't good, and judging by her behavior totally plausible. Phase 4 of the no contact phase is trying to convince yourself your partner is a narc and never was the person they portrayed themselves as being, and NEVER loved you. During this phase you do intense research and studying trying to understand the mind of a narcissist and trying your hardest to believe that your partner isn't a narc. You intensely hope that your partner will show up and be truly remorseful and because she really loves you is ready to repair the relationship. Time goes by and the reality that your partner is a narc becomes undeniable. Phase 5 is fighting recurring resurgences of bitterness, anger and the urge to seek revenge. This also paradoxically involves constant concern about her well being. You want her to be suffering like you are and be in pain, but at the same time you want her to be happy and at peace, but you definitely don't want her to be happy with the complicit aggressor flying monkey weasel new intimate partner. You want to shake her and hug her at the same time. Throughout phase 5 one thing is clear, you don't really want to know what is going on with the narc one way or another, but you are still curious. The final phase, phase 6, the phase that started this video, is when you don't want to know and you don't care to know and you aren't curious to know anything about the narcissist. You are now very concerned about your own mental health and you want to continue the peace and tranquility and stability you have fought so hard for. The greatest danger to the narc abuse victim in this phase is having the narc reappear either in person, or by someone reporting to you about them. You literally become nauseous at the thought of the narc and returning to the incredible misery of caring and being totally shut out. The narc is now dead to you and you want to keep things that way. Is there another phase? Others will have to tell us, because this is literally where I am at the moment and I can see a bright future for myself, but I don't know if I am truly free. Only time will tell. Thank you for watching, comments are always welcomed.

The Ugly Reality of the Narcissist: Why Metaphors are Necessary The Depiction of narcissists as ghouls, beasts, demons, vampires, and creatures, seems like the rantings of bitter people trying to get even. The unbelievable and unimaginable accounts and descriptions of cruelty seem to the outside observer to be nothing more than the over embellished or made up character assassination of the jilted lover or a disobedient child wanting to get back at parents who genuinely loved their child, but the child prefers to see the parents as demons. Those people are fortunate enough to never have had intimate and close contact with a narc, and honestly, for their own sakes I hope they never have a narc in their lives and I totally understand their judgment on narc abuse victims. So why such a harsh depiction and description of the narc? Are the narc abuse victims bitter people trying to get even? Is it all just fueled by the need for vengeance and anger on the narc abuse victim's end,- nothing more that passive aggression? Sure, there is the element of wanting to “set things straight”, no doubt about it, but that is mainly to make people aware of the narcissist and give people as accurate an idea of what they will encounter. Here is the main point: the narcissist is the hunter and the aggressor, they are the ones that seek out the victim and prepare them for their fate. They look just like any other normal person and when in the love bombing or over valuation phase of the relationship, they appear as angelic and perfect and wonderful people to their chosen victim and make no doubt about it, the narc's target is a victim. All of this is totally invisible to the outside world and to the victim, so how do you even begin to try to get “the uninitiated”, otherwise known as the people lucky enough never to have been in a relationship with a narc, to understand the nature of these people. The only reasonable and possible way that I can think of is to use the metaphors, the terrible and ugly metaphors of evil beasts, etc. above. The only way is to describe in detail what they have done to you, without disclosing the narc's identity. If the outside world doesn't want to believe, that is their good pleasure. If the outside world wants to view the narc survivor as bitter and not wanting to get over it, and holding a grudge and seeking vengeance through passive aggression, that is their choice. The outside world has been warned and that is the primary reason for everything that most narc abuse survivors do. As an abuse survivor, you want others to avoid the painful situation you have just gone through, you want to do for others what you wish someone would have done for you. I thought I knew just about everything there was to know about the human race. I was well studied in relationships, psychology, and human nature. If someone would have told me about covert, not overt narcissism 4 years ago, I would have considered it crazy. I would have not been able to understand and I would frankly not believe these people exist and would certainly not be wasting precious time trying to understand these complicated, broken, warped people. Let's pull off the gloves, narcissists are evil, bad people pure and simple. But at least I would have been warned and maybe, even though I wasn't really taking the crazy narc abuse victim 100 percent seriously, after all the victim must be exaggerating since there are two sides to every story. In any disagreement between two people, both partners are equally to blame and both parties have legitimate grievances, don't they? NO, not the case with the narcissist, and I hate to inform you there is very little exaggeration going on with these accounts. So go ahead and judge. I would have. That evil hideous creature used to depict a narc is the easiest way to show you who they are, you have no incentive to do the research and understand these people by thinking about them. A wolf in sheep's clothing graphic is so accurate that no more need be said. A demon, a blood sucking creature, a vampire, the list goes on, all give insight into the narc. They aren't being posted for spite. Describing the narcissist as having a mind that is like a sewer and dwelling in a sewer is so harsh and a very disagreeable thought and sight. In my case, I know of no other way to depict what I observed. Healing for the victim comes when they adequately comprehend the nature of narcissists in general and their narcissist in particular. If you care for the music and understand the power behind the words and can feel the emotions, it might be helpful to listen to the end of this video. A brilliant and insightful lyric by Moonrise titled “The Lights of a distant Bay”. This lyric brought tears to my eyes. It's meaning has deep significance for this time in my life. If you aren't interested, I understand. Have a good day and thank you for watching, your comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Legacy of Narcissist Abuse: PTSD and Filling the Void Left in Your Life No matter how hard a person tries to move on from Narc Abuse, it refuses to let go of the victim. You grab the bull by the horns and take the pain full force, rather than denying there is a problem. You get every possible answer as to what went on in the fake relationship with your fake narc partner, with absolutely zero help from the narc. You inform yourself of what a narc is and educate yourself how to understand, cope with, and heal from the encounter with these inhuman beasts. You work on the anger and resentment and in my case, you give it to God. So you should now be in a pretty good situation 6 months away from ground zero, otherwise known as your discard. All issues have been addressed and you are experiencing healing and have increasingly longer periods of joy. But then the slightest thing goes wrong in your life and you are back in the doldrums, as if you just experienced the discard yesterday. That's the PTSD kicking in when least expected. You have done all that you can do and you are once again an empty shell and the full force of negative emotions wash through you and decide to stay. You are nearly brought to your knees and this happens out of nowhere. So that is the first problem and you try to get a reading of what is going on in your life. You thought you had made progress, were you just kidding yourself and did the minor glitch in your life shed light on your real internal state of mind and heart? Then you notice the second problem, something that wasn't even obvious- you are totally devoid of any thoughts, almost like a computer that had it's hard drive erased and had the operating system restored. Only the basic programs are left. You avoided loading any unnecessary software to your life, and now you are a clean slate and you are trying to be careful about what programs or software you put (or install to continue the metaphor) into your life and that is where you realize there is much more work for you to do. Let's get away from the metaphor and make an assessment of what is going on. You have spent 6 months where literally every aspect of your life, your whole world, all of your hopes, aspirations, dreams, and plans were torn away from you and this situation was so bizarre and unexpected that you couldn't believe it was true. You couldn't comprehend it. So now you are a man, or woman without a country you have no past, it is clear your past was really just a smoke and mirror fantasy creation, you clearly have no present- you are still pulling yourself together, and you have absolutely no vision of your future. You are disoriented and life almost seems meaningless , but you are determined to take advantage of this moment in your life and recreate yourself. This is your pivotal moment. Could you go back to all of the comfortable distractions that were in your life before you encountered the narc? Absolutely. But now that you have just gotten out of a fantasy existence, you realize that you want to rebuild your life and live your life honestly and truly. Meaning that you want to be honest and true to yourself. No more kidding yourself that life is fine and more importantly, you need to really search deeply into your psyche and find out what your real values and priorities are and what type of life you need to lead going forward. A life that at least acknowledges your needs and values. You don't want to live someone else's life anymore. Let's be clear, we aren't talking about becoming a narcissist, but this is a good time for really digging deep and looking at what has been missing in your life. You have responsibilities to other people in your life, family members and possibly close friends and those responsibilities should be honored, provided that those people aren't also taking advantage of you and draining you of huge amounts of energy and provided they aren't holding you back from achieving happiness and joy and success. Yes, it now seems there are more narcs in your life, but maybe those people aren't narcs at all, and you are being overly sensitive. Tread carefully. You are now in the position to recreate yourself and deal with the emptiness as you carefully forge ahead, or you can go back to the life you had before the narc and pretend everything is OK. I, for one, am not doing that. That means emptiness, lack of direction, and intense inner turmoil because there is no comfort in being an empty slate. People weren't designed to be that way. I will pray to God to give me direction as I slowly and carefully redesign and re-engineer who I am and how I respond to the world. The narc was my world, they were my soul mate and life's purpose. The narc was my future and inside that person was every good thing that ever meant anything to me. I invested everything I had, all of the good and positive things inside of me, into that person. It is all gone, and now it feels like I am drifting in outer space. I refuse to grab onto the things of the past that were comfortable, but just weighed me down. Does it mean I have had a setback? No. It just means I am now ready to deal with the next step in the healing process. Mercifully, I was unaware of this step until now. I have no idea how many steps are left until fully healed, but my confidence in declaring myself “healed” and “over it” and “ready to move on” has received a strong dose of reality. Thank you for watching. Your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

The Reprobate: Are They the True Walking Dead? Are Narcissists Reprobate? No human being is qualified to make the judgment that another human being is irredeemable, only God can make that judgment. The only place to get an idea of God's opinion and judgment is in the Bible and the Bible gives a detailed description of those people who are potentially irredeemable, they are called people with a reprobate mind. There are two main Christian opinions on the subject of salvation. One group of Christians believes that as long as a person is alive and breathing, they have a chance for salvation, or the ability to accept Jesus as their savior and enter into the kingdom of heaven. The other group believes that there are people alive and walking among us that have lost the possibility of entering heaven. These people are the reprobate. In a sense, these people have already sealed their own fate and nothing they do from here on out will prevent them from going to hell, or if there is no hell at the minimum these people have lost the opportunity for eternal life. Narcissists share many of the same traits with these reprobate people, so the question is then are narcs reprobate? Sadly, there is a good possibility that many of them are, which puts them in the worst possible position a living human being on this earth could be in. So what does it mean to be a reprobate person? These are people who God has made multiple appeals to throughout their lives and these people rejected God each and every time God tried to reach them, so eventually God gave up on these people and left them to themselves. The problem is, because they have rejected God, God will now reject them if they ever want to reach Him in the future. So these people have lost the opportunity to have eternal life by their own hand, since they chose to reject God. Here is the disclaimer: this interpretation of the reprobate should always be seen as what it is: man's interpretation of God's word, the Bible, and as such, it may be wrong. So the question isn't do reprobate people exist or are we in a position to know if someone is reprobate. The question is if you are reprobate, or at the verge of becoming reprobate, do you face the possibility of losing eternal life and potentially facing the judgment of hell after you die? So, in light of that, whether you believe in the Bible or not we are dealing with a very serious subject. Let's proceed. We pay a high price when we take the Bible for granted, especially those of us who have encountered a narc. Let's not get into the fact that many of us have had a relationship with a narc which didn't even consider doing things God's way. Premarital sex is now considered the norm and someone that considers sex out of wedlock wrong is considered the odd one. The Bible labels sex outside of marriage as fornication, a clear sin. So there is probably the biggest cause of our suffering. We entered into an intimate relationship with someone without both partners being 100 % in. This suited the narc just fine. But that is an aside, let's get to the meat of the matter. We think that we are at the cutting edge of modern psychology in understanding the narc. We struggle to understand these people, what motivates them, how they got that way. We struggle trying to help these people, believing in them, believing they can change; then we can't understand why years of being there for the narc, having faith in them and holding on doesn't make a bit of difference. Our intense effort was a total waste of time. If we only understood the answers to everything were in the Bible all along. No one person has the right to call another person reprobate, because only God knows the heart of an individual and if we as narc abuse survivors have learned anything at all, it should be clear to us we don't have the ability to understand the narc, at least not to the extent that God can understand him. So why not listen to what God has to say about the reprobate. Again, a reprobate person is someone who has rejected God, and after having rejected God for long enough, has been rejected by God and is then allowed to, or is given over to his sin. The rest of this video will be taken purely from the Bible. It's amazing what insight the Bible has into the reprobate human, what type of person they are, what their values are, and how they act. It might sound familiar to you. All of this comes from Romans 1, 28 to 32, but then there is a warning to those who want to judge or label someone found in Romans 2, 1 to 5, This will comprise the rest of the video. Romans 1

28: “And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient;” Not convenient could also be termed things that are not fitting, or sinful, Point One: These people don't want to think of God or take Him into account in their lives so God “gives them over” meaning He allows them to have a reprobate mind and because of the reprobate mind they reject God totally and engage in sinful or “inconvenient” activity. Think about this, if you reject God long enough He gives up and gives you over to a mindset that totally rejects God and then you engage in all sorts of sinful activity, no longer being concerned about what God thinks. The rest of Romans 1 from 29 to 32 describes these people in detail. Romans 29: Being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers. Romans30: Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents. Romans 31 :Without understanding, covenantbreakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful: Now let's break down the description of these reprobate people: 1. They are filled with all unrighteousness meaning they are immoral, wicked and sinful. They are unjust, unfair, have no integrity, and are dishonorable. 2. Fornication means having sex outside of marriage. This is commonplace in our time. But this also includes illicit sex, or adultery, and women or men who are promiscuous and have multiple sex partners. 3. Wickedness is morally objectionable behavior, mental disregard for justice, righteousness, truth, honor, virtue; evil in thought and life; depravity; sinfulness; criminality. 4. Covetousness has many various meanings , but it is wanting to have inordinately more money or possessions than you already have and also to gain dishonestly. 5. Maliciousness means intentionally harmful or spiteful, evil or having an evil disposition. 6. Full of Envy which is discontented or resentful longing for someone else's possessions, qualities, other desirable attributes, or luck. 7. Full of Murder, to kill someone with premeditated malice and having a sound mind. 8. Full of Debate, or you could say strife, an expression of enmity. Contention or discord. My take is someone who always seeks an argument that creates discord by design. A person who isn't interested in resolving anything. They don't want resolution. 9. Full of Deceit, which is the intentional misleading or beguiling of another human being. Charming or enchanting someone, usually in a deceptive way. 10. Malignity is deliberate ill will, malice, malevolence, craftiness. 11. Whisperers are most likely people who are gossips, talebearers, rumor-mongers, generally causing discord among people. 12. Backbiters are those who attack the character or reputation or slander someone not present. 13. Haters of God this is self explanatory, meaning these people want no part of God and don't want to think or hear about Him and they certainly would never even consider being obedient to Him. 14. Despiteful is to treat with contempt or look down upon another human being. 15. Proud having a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority is the definition that fits best here in my opinion. Or you could say showing yourself above others , preeminent. 16. Boasters are people who talk about or write about themselves in a proud or self-admiring way. 17. Inventors of evil things is best seen as delighting in inventing 'original' and 'novel' ways of being or doing evil. That is according to T R Schreiner, Romans, Baker Exegetical Commentary, Baker Academic, 1998, page 98. 18. Disobedient to parents- not respecting the authority of their parents or submitting themselves to the parents or listening to them. Refusing to obey. 19. Without understanding: a person incapable of comprehending spiritual things, or people who are spiritually blind. Also inconsiderate and foolish. 20. Covenantbreakers are people who don't adhere to or aren't bound to promises, oaths, agreements or vows that they make. People who are false to their engagements and treat covenants as a scrap of paper. The don't stay true to their love partners, even if they are married, because they don't feel bound to any agreement or promises they have made. 21. Without natural affection this means without the natural attachment that a child would normally have for the parent and a parent would normally have for the child. Presumably, this person would either not have any affection for their mother or father and they wouldn't have any affection for their children. 22. Implacable: this refers to someone who is unwilling to or unable to forgive and will hold a grudge and can never be reconciled with someone they feel has committed an offense against them. You could also call them vindictive. 23. Unmerciful: people who have no mercy towards another, no compassion or pity when they are in a position of power to grant it to another human being. Lastly there is the warning in Romans 2, 1 to 5. This warning was against the Jews, who were the enlightened believers of their day that they should not judge others that they deemed unenlightened (the Gentiles), since they themselves were guilty of many of the sins they were condemning and judging others of. As a Christian believer, or anyone for that matter placing the judgment of narcissist or irredeemable on another human, we had better be very careful and look in the mirror and realize that we ourselves are also guilty of many things. That is my interpretation of the warning, especially when making a very serious allegation against a group of people that are labeled narcissists. So the above characteristics of a person with a reprobate mind certainly seem to very closely and accurately describe a person that we define as a narcissist. Add to this the possibility that these people may not be redeemable and you have all of the answers you need. Those answers were there in the Bible for over 2,000 years. These people have always been around. These are not good people, and they are not people that can be helped. The only hope is that the individual narcissist has at least not totally rejected God and still may have the possibility of getting His attention and mercy and grace. So maybe we now have answers as to why all of the efforts we have made to help these people and be their friends have been totally futile and all of our attempts at communication have fallen on deaf ears. The answers were always there in the Bible. They've been there for over two thousand years. So what do we conclude? The narc's life is a mess, yours is not. Your life has been disrupted, but that doesn't mean your life is a mess. You think clearly. You're a human being who has genuine feelings, who genuinely loves, who has compassion, who has sympathy. You deal with the world like a normal human being deals with the world. So no, despite all of the disorder and chaos that the narc created in your life, you aren't a mess. The narc is the one who's a mess and will always be a mess. The sooner you understand you can't help that person, the sooner you understand that there is nothing you can do, the better. The only thing that is going to happen with you being in contact with that person is that your life is destroyed and disrupted , the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. But once again, you have to be ready for that information, and you have to be ready to accept it and be ready to move on. No human being should ever tell you you have to move on. Thank you for watching, your comments are welcomed.