The Pivotal Moments of a Covert
Narcissist's Existence: The Borderline Narcopath is the Author of
Their Own Destiny We all come into this world with
an innate capacity to lie, cheat and steal to one degree or another.
It is the gentle, careful, and thoughtful shepherding of our parents
that guides us in the direction of being truthful, teaches us the
values of doing and saying “what is right” regardless of the
consequences to ourselves. Of course there is so much more to
parenting than that and the other aspect that pertains to this
discussion is the fine balancing act of not breaking your child's
spirit and building in that child a healthy and correct sense of self
worth. Teaching that child the painful reality that they can't
always have it their way and that the world doesn't revolve around
them is an unpleasant task because it does involve modifying the
child's attitude, “changing” them, altering their opinion of
themselves. Similar things can be said about teaching delayed
gratification. Yes, it's never easy to tell a child that they are
wrong or telling them “no” to something they want or want to do.
We absolutely want our children to have confidence as adults and that
requires the ability to accurately assess one's own abilities and
capabilities. So with the correct guidance we can give those
children a good start in life and get them into healthy patterns of
thinking, healthy behavior patterns, and a healthy sense of self
worth. All of the above is an ideal. No parent lives up to
those standards of perfection, but it is important to note these
things and establish a baseline for the purposes of this discussion.
Why? Because with the covert narcissist we are dealing with a
developing human with very limited capabilities of being taught by
the parents and a huge sense of self worth that doesn't want
instruction or correction. The limited capacity for feeling guilt
and remorse means the parents have a steep challenge when they deal
with an natural born narcopath. There may well be a weak capacity
for that child to feel guilt and remorse and to have a conscience,
but working with what you have in that child requires an enormous,
sometimes overwhelming amount of attention to detail. Many well
meaning parents simply can't keep up and that means the child
eventually “wins” every time. So another narcopath is born and
created and eventually unleashed upon the world. But then we have
the other possibility. These are the children with a capacity to be
good. No these children aren't perfect by any means, they still lie,
cheat, and steal like all the rest, but this is much diminished and
much more easily steered in the right direction. The very good ones
simply have a capacity to naturally think logically and clearly and
have an inborn sense of morality and conscience despite possibly very
poor parenting. These children are born with sensitivity and feel
guilty about virtually everything. These are what are called the
“easy” children. An “easy” child can make up for all of the
parenting mistakes and become healthy as an adult. But they do
require a gentle hand which they don't always receive. Yes, stern
parents can destroy a sensitive child in the same way that
laissez-faire parenting can ruin a strong-willed child. It should
also be noted that these “easy” children are usually born with a
high capacity for empathy. So we have just gone over a brief,
simplified summary of the interaction between a parent and child and
how this effects the ultimate outcome of a person when they become an
adult. We covered the extremes and it seems that the narco path and
the em path are on opposite ends of the spectrum. But our focus is
on the narcopath, and more importantly the narcopath who did have a
weak conscience, did have a limited capacity to feel genuine empathy
and remorse. We are talking about a narcopath who was teachable to
a certain extent. It is these narcopaths that were either created by
parents who never properly taught them right from wrong or the
narcopaths created by that individual child's self-willed active
disobedience to sensible parenting. As an aside, some parents may
have actually even encouraged treachery, lying and theft and that
created a pattern of dysfunction in the child that the child could
never fully overcome. We could even have genuine empathy for these
narco paths, but the problem is they are narcopaths and they have a
track record. No we don't empathize with the evil and the wicked.
These people were endowed to be human beings and they have an
obligation, a responsibility to act as humans. No, the narc will
always refuse reason. Always refuse to see the error of their ways
and always refuse to acknowledge or even feel there was anything at
all wrong with the damage they have done and continue to do. It is
always the victim's fault. Yes, according to the narco path they
have an unblemished record. and sadly it is a near impossibility that
an adult narco path will ever change, because they simply see no
fault in themselves. More importantly, most of these borderline
narco paths became that way through active decisions on their own
part. That doesn't merit empathy, because many people have faced a
similar situation and made the decision to be good. So, what
ties both of these borderline potential narco paths together is that
they are the ones ultimately responsible for the course of their
lives. Yes, the misparented and the strong willed covert narcissist
that both began with traces of a conscience and empathy both created
the beast they became by their own purposeful hand. I have purposely
not discussed the Christian aspects of this topic. Yes, Jesus can
help and heal, but in the majority of situations a watered down and
warped or even fake version of Christianity may even make the
situation worse. In most cases we see both the parenting and the
child's own motivation and decision making totally devoid of any
genuine Christian wisdom, guidance, or instruction. So, for the
most part Christianity has no impact whatsoever, even for those who
attend church and “have a form of religion but deny the power
thereof”, a paraphrase of second Timothy 3 5. Yes, the vast
majority of these borderline narco paths are created by the child
themselves purposefully “going their own way”. That child has
decisions to make during the course of their lives. That child can
look at duplicitous parents and tell themselves “No, that isn't
right, let me observe the world around me and make note of what is
right”. Numerous opportunities to observe extended family members,
friends with functional families, or even TV shows can at least give
a frame of reference to a “better way” of living life. It is in
the child's hands to use that information wisely, or ignore it. The
other narco path is the one who did have sensible parents, but due to
the fact that they were a very strong-willed child, eventually “won”
and got it all their way by wearing down the parents.
These borderline narcs are the ones we are talking about
and in a real sense they are the authors of their own destiny. Yes,
they are narcopaths of their own design, either by turning a blind
eye when they clearly saw the difference between right and wrong, or
by active defiance of their parents' instruction, maybe even a
combination of the two. It is these individuals that have pivotal
moments in their lives, “forks in the road” that will determine
the rest of their lives. Yes, these individuals have “breakthrough”
opportunities that they squander throughout the course of their
existence and this is the primary reason they become the miserable
destructive individuals that the world has no choice but to deal
with. So let's try to identify some key moments in the life of a
narco path in a similar manner to the classic tales of “Scrooge”
or “It's a Wonderful Life”, the narcopath version. The opposite
version of “Scrooge” where the narc is shown the terrible impact
of their treachery and their ultimate fate and they refuse to change.
The opposite version of “It's a Wonderful Life” in which
everyone the narcopath touches would have been better off if that
narcopath never came into their lives. Yes, we are now entering
into the realms of a hypothetical character and following them
through the course of their lives because there is no way to really
know for sure what turns a person who could “go either way” into
a narco path. Let's also be clear, even a narcopath can look back on
their lives and note numerous occasions where they did do or say “the
right thing”. Some of those examples may be actual gestures of
genuine empathy or acts that benefited others. Some of those
decisions may well have altered the course of that narcopath's life
and set them in a better direction. We are talking about the overall
course of the narco path's life and the overall impact that they have
on the world. But make no mistake even those acts of good usually
had ulterior motives that the narc themselves isn't even aware of.
Just to be fair, even the average person isn't always aware of the
hidden impulses behind doing acts of good will, perceived as
altruism. The Bible is very clear about how God views the “good”
acts of every human on this earth. Yes, a covert narcissist may have
learned to be truthful at times and may have learned to be diligent
and honest at work, but that was purely out of necessity, the need to
survive, or even just the need to preserve the narc's precious
“billboard”, their public persona and reputation. Those are all
valid points, but we are looking at the overall outcome that creates
a human being who has literally made an active decision to abdicate
their humanity and simply chose to fake any resemblance to an actual
functional, caring, empathetic human being. Fully healed narcissist
abuse victims or even outsiders will never dehumanize another human
being even if that sack of filth is a narco path that has actively
dehumanized themselves. A healthy outlook requires us to respect
life and respect every person at least by virtue of them having been
born a human being. So on to the subject. We start out as an
infant with infinite potential. That potential is shaped by our
genetic makeup that determines our appearance, our intelligence, our
ability to comprehend, our capacity for empathy, a conscience, the
ability to feel guilt and remorse amongst many other things. We are
born into an environment that shapes those genetics into the final
product we call an adult human being. Early on that environment is
almost entirely determined by outsiders, our caretakers our parents.
Yes lack of physical contact, lack of any genuine love or concern
towards an infant can scar a person for life through no fault of
their own. So yes, psychopaths can be created. But we are concerned
with the person who was given all of the chances that everyone else
has, the borderline person who was given most of the tools that all
of us are given both genetically and environmentally. We are
following that person through their lives and focusing on the active
decisions that they make, their active response to external
influences. Newborn babies see the outside world as merely an
extension of themselves. That is normal. As that infant develops
and interacts with that external world, that infant pursues his or
her own will. Lying, cheating, and stealing come naturally to many
of these children and as these children become increasingly aware it
is the parent's role to give the information, to guide that young
child in the right direction. Most developing children, toddlers,
begin to understand, begin to see the differences between right and
wrong. These toddlers and young children also see the benefits of
lying. Yes, that child can see the gain they obtain from doing what
is told to them is wrong. Yes, many a lie or any other wrong act is
rewarded, can be gotten away with and be advantageous. So the
parent, being aware of this, tries to instill a sense of
responsibility, guilt and conscience into the child as that child
develops. This then brings us to the first junction in the road for
that child. The time where the child either heeds those
uncomfortable feelings of guilt and endeavors to try their best never
to misbehave again, or they decide to ignore those feelings and
actually “fight” them. This scenario plays itself out numerous
times every day and week and as that child grows a pattern of
misbehavior develops that gets increasingly stronger. So we now have
a child who has literally calloused their own conscience. The
conscience is still present, but it is greatly diminished. Yes the
child now mostly wins every battle with the parents and naturally
there is great temporary pleasure in having it all your way. So at
some point that child made an active decision to fight and not comply
and that is the first step on their journey of becoming a covert
narcissist. That child goes to school and interacts with
others and quickly learns the short cuts to getting what they want.
One of those shortcuts is pretending. Pretending to be more and
different than what they are and being that the governor of a
conscience has nearly been turned off that child cultivates every
form of lying and treachery that they can imagine. But the child is
still a child and also has an innate innocence, an innate ability to
change the course of their lives. Yes there are still pangs of
conscience and still opportunities to eventually listen to what the
pain is telling them and not fight it. After all a growing child
becomes more and more sophisticated and is able to understand their
world at an increasingly comprehensive and complex level. So with
understanding comes more responsibility and the child can re-evaluate
their past misbehavior and decide that they in fact have been going
down the wrong path and will endeavor to be “good”. Of course
the patterns of being evil have been established and the child will
have to make the effort to change. It is at this time that the young
child has to make another decision: begin heeding their conscience,
discern what is good and bad and make an active decision to do the
right thing. So our future narcopath decides to be clever and take
the “middle road” and have an advantage on the rest of society.
Yes that future narcopath will be good and truthful when it suits
them, but they will always retain the ability to be evil and retain
all of the benefits of that depravity. What suffers with this
approach is that the conscience continues to become increasingly
calloused and that young child's sense of morality and world view
becomes corrupted. That child loses the ability to see reality for
what it actually is because in the process of perpetrating a
“controlled deception” on other people around them the narc is
actually falling victim themselves and banishing themselves to a
warped personalized fantasy world. Yes to the future covert
narcissist it is they who are fully in control, but in reality they
are slowly but surely losing touch with reality. Why? Because that
narcopath refuses to “play well with others”. That narcopath
refuses to interact with anyone on an equal playing field with mutual
rules and mutual respect. The narcopath can't tolerate an
environment in which each person's values and point of view, and
desires carry equal weight to that of their own. That would mean the
narco path has to compromise and rather than learn to compromise, the
narco path instead chooses to insulate and isolate themselves. That
requires increasing levels of sophistication in creating fake
personas, lying, duplicity, treachery, gaslighting and all of those
other traits we now identify as covert narcissism. So the narc
continues to cement their future in stone by creating almost
inescapable patterns of behavior and attitudes. But that narco path
is still young. Maybe not even a teen and no major damage has been
done to others. Yes the fantasy world that narco path creates is
obviously implausible to older people and even cute. With no adult
correction or by the young narc simply refusing to heed the advice of
others that narc's capacity for evildoing continues to grow. Yes, a
conscience still exists, but it has become severely calloused and is
on the verge of becoming seared. So the narco path enters
puberty and becomes increasingly aware of their own curious lack of
empathy and their own curious lack of having a conscience when
compared to those people around them. The narc begins dating and
notices more stark differences that set them apart from others. That
narc simply can't wrap their head around the concept of bonding to
another human being. Yes the concept of love is something that
permeates society and is looked upon as an ideal situation that
everyone strives for, but to the narcissist it is simply an
abstraction. The young narcissist mimics the words and actions that
are appropriate to being in a relationship, but as time goes by they
do get a sense that something is missing for them. Love, to a
narcissist is simply hype and for the most part the narc sees love as
a scam, a con. Of course the narc is correct inasmuch as they are
precisely describing themselves. The narc assumes that because they
are putting on an act others are as well. The authentic love,
compassion, loyalty, commitment, empathy and good will directed to
the narcissist by a partner who genuinely cares go unappreciated by
the narcissist. Those gestures of kindness have no tangible value to
the narcissist because the narc literally doesn't have the capacity
to feel the benefits of those emotions directed towards them. But
that narc increasingly sees those emotions as areas in which they can
exploit another human being, take advantage of them so to speak.
Exploiting others, lying to them, cheating them, cheating upon them,
making them believe what isn't true becomes the one avenue open to
the narcissist that at least gives some sense of satisfaction. So
the young narcissist increasingly learns to detect, observe, and
define in high detail the vulnerability of others around them. They
find those vulnerabilities in both their partners and other people
they interact with. The young narc's observations and activities are
still quite benign and harmless, but these early acts are the very
seeds of what is soon to grow into a full blown addiction. The narc
becomes addicted to “finding an angle”, “finding a way in”,
“gaining the upper hand” in an insatiable effort to assert and
exercise their own self imagined superiority and manipulate another
human being. Yes like every addict the narc can look back at a time
when they could have chosen to do the right thing and respect other
people around them. They could have chosen a different path, a far
more difficult path, and changed the course of their lives. But the
key difference is that the narc is quite proud of what they have made
of themselves. They see no addiction in themselves. How can you
call a covert narcissist anything less than delusional? That
addiction has taken them over to the point that they don't even
realize that anything is wrong at all. More importantly,
the narco path somehow views their lack of ability to feel remorse or
have a conscience as making them superior, stronger than others who
succumb to the weakness of those traits. So in their warped mind, the
narc views killing their own conscience and cultivating their own
treachery over time as actual growth and progress. Yes, eventually
the narc matures and becomes self-aware, but in earlier relationships
they were still sorting themselves out. The narc realized that
they had no real loyalty or attachment to their partner, but they
learned to “fake it” and extract all of the external benefits of
that relationship. Yes the young narco path may have been faithful
to their boyfriend or girlfriend because society saw faithfulness as
a favorable trait. But the feelings just weren't there and the narco
path increasingly realized that fact. Yes, even early on that narco
path had pride and saw themselves as a superior person and therefore
maintaining that early relationship was important. So the ruse
continued until the narco path finally decided they were just getting
too bored and restricted and saw terminating a current relationship
for a new opportunity as having great benefits that far outweighed
the costs in the form of being seen as disloyal. The narcissist
learned that they could discard a current partner and still maintain
all of the respect society afforded by demonizing and mercilessly
lying about that previous partner. Another way of circumventing the
disapproval of society was to simply have clandestine relationships,
concocted with all sorts of fake reasons for why those relationships
had to be kept a secret. Yes we are talking about affairs later in
life, but early on, before marriage, there was still excitement in
getting away with the cheating and the narc honed that capability of
getting everything they wanted with no limits. Why not have a
relationship on the side and keep the current one as well? But
achieving that level of sophistication took years, possibly decades
of practice by trial and error. Yes occasionally the narc got caught
cheating, but that just meant feigning remorse and promising that it
would never happen again. In reality that narc was actually taking
notes and making sure their next endeavor would be more polished.
Sick. But before all of that sophistication, the narco path simply
learned to make good excuses for “moving on” as it became easier
and easier for them to shift loyalties, never giving any clue as to
the soulless environment that lurked inside of themselves or any of
the real motivations that ended one relationship and began another.
Yes, the narco path's discarded partner, all those that surrounded
the narco path, and maybe even the narc themselves simply viewed the
narc's departure as a normal breakup. Of course early on that narc
did have the capacity to choose. Choose to make it work with one
person or simply choose to not misrepresent themselves in the future.
That narc could have seen the devastation and suffering and
destruction of their actions and chosen to change, to respect, to try
and reach inside of themselves and listen to whatever traces of a
conscience remained inside that warped psyche of theirs. They could
have heeded that conscience, allowed that remorse to guide them to do
better next time. Instead the narc chose to simply forgive
themselves over and over again as more and more victims piled up.
Yes later in life the narc simply couldn't help themselves but to be
evil. But everything requires practice and refinement and it is
precisely the fact that the narc honed their treachery over time,
cultivated it to a high art that is inexcusable. To say a narcissist
was “born that way” is like saying someone was born a concert
pianist. Both people were born with capacities. It was practice
that produced the final product. Yes it is absolutely true
that the aged narc never realized that love, loyalty, and commitment,
the bond that most normal people cultivate in a relationship is the
actual source of satisfaction and contentment in a relationship. But
can we really ever be sure that the narc couldn't have at least
gotten some sense of satisfaction from treating another human being
with kindness and respect? Couldn't it be possible that the aged
narc has no ability to appreciate or even feel love, because in the
bargain they made to ignore their humanity they lost their soul and
the ability to enjoy the real pleasures that life has to offer?
Chief among those pleasures is the capacity to form a long lasting
love-based bond with another human being. Yes, early on the narc
still had the capacity to change. Even without any emotions
involved, there was still the ability to know right from wrong, the
ability to choose to do no harm, the ability to be critical of
oneself and introspective. That narc could still observe their
environment and distinguish between reality and the fantasy world
they had created for themselves. The narc still had the capacity to
stay grounded in reality. Instead they chose their warped fantasy
world and anointed themselves the ruler of it. Once again the
patterns formed in youth by choice dictate and govern the older
narc's life and inevitably pull that narc into further and further
treachery. The narc becomes an adult and eventually enters the
workforce. Many covert narcissists can be quite proficient and even
thrive under harsh working conditions. Yes that narc can become a
stellar employee. That narc can actually earn themselves a good
reputation and have actual accomplishments that are worthy of respect
and adulation, but there is only one problem. The narc is mercenary.
The narc is cold and calloused and although being technically
proficient at the job really doesn't care at all. But the narc
understands that showing concern is a part of the job and they are
able to put on a mostly convincing act. Yes, the narc at this point
has established a pattern of being a fake phony fraud and it is
simply a matter of putting on an act. That act is found out later
when an employer who has poured countless hours of resources into
that narco path gets into a bind and requires the loyalty of that
narco path. Yes a business is on the verge of failing and needs
“all hands on board”. But the narco path bails and leaves for
greener pastures. Yes, the young adult narco path hardly feels a
conscience or any sense of loyalty. Curious how that narco path in
training seems to feel nothing at all. The narc themselves is
astounded by their own lack of concern and the only problem is that
they are feeling a sense of unease. That narc simply can't put their
finger on the problem. Well subconsciously there is still a
conscience, there are still feelings of remorse trying to break
through. But the narc fights and self medicates their problems away
and in the process goes through another pivotal point of their
existence. The narc wins and eventually vanquishes the last
vestiges of a conscience searing it into near elimination. Sadly, in
cutting off those painful feelings and avoiding them they have
unwittingly also lost their capacity to feel the positive emotions,
those that make life worth living. The narc knows they did
wrong, but they justify everything. Yes, the narc has excuses. Life
wasn't fair to them. They were abandoned by parents so now they have
the right to do the same to others. Their mom was a pathological
liar. They were never shown love by their parents or any
consideration whatsoever. Yes the list goes on and the narco path is
blind to the fact that they have been given all sorts of benefits
including looks and a sharp mind. The narc fails to realize that
many of those that surround them have had similar adversity and
decided not to be angry at the world and pay their misery and
historical childhood abuse forward to others. Yes many who have
suffered CHOSE to be good and aren't rebelling and giving the middle
finger to the world. How is that possible? Simply because as we
mature we realize that we aren't the center of the world, don't
expect everything to go our way and we are aware that no matter how
bad our situation we count our blessings and never presume that
somehow the world never gave us a chance therefore we can do as we
please. Yes despite everything a choice was made to heed a
conscience and try to be kindur and more compassionate more
empathetic to other people. A choice was made to be positive and
focus on other people's pain. A choice was made to appreciate
whatever life DID give to us. So at some point beyond
young adulthood the covert narcissist becomes full blown.
Narcissistic partners can help in the transition. Yes a narco path
can be locked into a loveless marriage by another narco path and
manipulated for decades and simply stay in that marriage until they
can make their break. Numerous affairs help the narc that is
trapped. More typically, the narc simply cycles through one fake
relationship after another, moving on when an opportunity presents
itself. Regardless of what produces the covert narcissist,
eventually that narcopath, who once had the options of becoming a
human being is locked into a pattern that they can't escape and they
are unleashed upon the world. No act of kindness or genuine concern
will ever be reciprocated by this beast who has abdicated their
humanity. They lie their way into one person's heart after another
and with increasing viciousness discard in the cruelest manner
possible. The narc is angry at the world, but refuses to point the
finger at the real culprit: the person they see in the mirror every
day. It may well be that the narc eventually settles on a
relationship that at least gives them some of the benefits they
desire either in the form of a comfortable existence or any other
highly desirable circumstances such as acclaim and acknowledgment by
society that they crave. But it doesn't matter. The narc is and
always will be miserable and dissatisfied. They will always spread
the wealth of their misery to others and play games in an endless
cycle of manipulation and pulling people into their fantasy world.
Yes adolescent behavior may be cute for a thirteen year old, but it
takes your breath away to see someone in their early 50's act like a
child. The narc's main problem is that they really have
no excuse. They may genuinely believe that the fantasy world they
lived in was legitimate and that they made all of the rules, but the
narc does understand that they really are living in the real world.
A real world where there is accountability and the treachery and
suffering they caused will all need to be paid for. With interest.
Yes, that narc abandoned many people in a metaphorical desert and
refused to give those people even a drop of water. Yes the narc
abandoned someone who counted on them. Yes, that narc was oblivious
to or even gleefully enjoyed that pain they caused another person.
Yes, the narc never felt another person's pain, but they will feel
their own. They will one day feel the hopelessness of wandering in
that desert and see rivers of water just out of reach. They will one
day suffer the pain of abandonment and betrayal. They will one day
suffer and pay for every act of treachery. With interest. The narc
is on a collision course with destiny and they know it. Each day
brings them closer to that realization and they are well aware of
that fact. So no, the narc can never be happy except in their own
fantasy world that is barricaded with lies and denial. Unfortunately
for the narcissist, they aren't in charge and payment will be
required. By them, or Jesus for them. Their choice. Yes
even the covert pathological narcissist started off life relatively
innocent. It is the small decisions that they made each and every
day of their lives, the things they did, the things they said that
took them down the road that created the practiced treacherous
duplicitous creeps they turned into as adults. As time passed the
damage that narc did was more and more comprehensive, but the ability
to forgive themselves grew in proportion and the ability to feel any
remorse whatsoever was dissolved by those years of practicing their
dark art. The conscience was calloused then seared as the narc made
their conscious decision to take the easy way out and avoid any
painful introspection. The lack of remorse, the lies, the duplicity
the treachery that they committed were ever increasing in their
depravity and intensity, but that lack of willingness to take any
responsibility evolved and
always stayed ahead of those wicked acts. The narc kept walking away from the destruction they’d done without feeling a twinge of remorse so many times over the course of their lives that it became second nature and the narc cultivated their projection to a high art. Yes the narc did the damage and somehow thought themselves the victim, the righteous one, the one that was morally superior. Yes, in the narc's twisted mind their evil was noble and justified. Yes that narc was much more innocent at the start, simply by virtue of not having had any experience exercising their dominion over a conscience and feelings of remorse. Vanquishing all guilt led that narc straight into their bizarre world of warped logic and reason that made no sense to any sane human being.
Yes the narcissist is what they chose to be, is what they decided to be over the course of their lives. Literally decades of inappropriate pathological behavior made the narcissist what they are. Covert narcissists may well be victims of their own foolish choices but that does not absolve them of their evil and treachery. Taking the easy way out, doing what is best for yourself regardless of the cost to others eventually takes its toll and one day the chickens will come home to roost. Yes facing problems is what life is all about and most people accept that unfortunate fact, but the narc refuses. So much easier to smoke dope and feel sorry for yourself while your peers face reality, deny themselves pleasure, delay gratification and work hard for a future. So much easier to cut corners and learn how to defraud people out of their hard earned money, while others struggle to serve and humble themselves. Covert narcissists exist in every strata of society, but the common denominator that binds them all together is their lack of concern for anyone but themselves. This is true for the narc that society deems as wealthy and successful, those that have obviously squandered their lives, and all of those covert narcs in between. Yes the adult narc will never understand that many of those people around them had all of the same impulses and desires that they did, but they chose a different path. The harder path. Genuine success may not be monetary, by the way, or ever result in any public acknowledgment or acclaim. It is about fulfilling your potential whatever that may be, and choosing to do the right thing to the best of your ability. So the narc in the later part of their life is far from innocent. They have blood on their hands and piles of victims in their wake and this all came about incrementally.
So in conclusion let's set up a hypothetical scenario in which a covert narcissist comes face to face with a previous lifetime partner that they assaulted, discarded, and went no contact with. Well that narc would of course be speechless and most likely simply play dumb and pretend not to recognize. Yes that narc wiped all evidence of their treachery and cheating right from their memory banks. If anything that narc might simply walk on by then exhibit their famous smirk. After all they won the game. The game someone else believed was a serious relationship. Never in one hundred years would it occur to the narc to have even a moment's pause. They simply go on never taking into account the damage they did. After all everyone has their problems and why should that narc care at all. They are too busy doing charitable work that matters and has high public visibility. Yes in public they are a humanitarian that cares deeply about other people. Sick. But was the narc cold and calloused on their first breakup? Maybe, maybe not. It depends. I have no doubt the cold hearted creep I was with never had an ounce of genuine compassion or empathy, but other narcs did. Others actually cried and did have introspection on that first breakup. But sadly they forgave themselves far to easily and that set them on the course that took them on the slippery slope that ultimately produced a full fledged adult covert narcissist. Even that young covert narc, when given all of the tools and specifically instructed on the hopeless future of a covert narcissist and the need to do what is right and take the harder path chose instead to tempt fate and do what was right in their own eyes. They chose to ignore and eliminate a voice of reason and guidance in their lives. Taking the easy way out can always be justified, but it leads to a pattern of thought and behavior that snowballs and becomes increasingly dysfunctional. Yes that teenage narc is free to pursue their path and no one will stop them. They know better and they know it all. They will play with fire and not get burned. They aren't only special, they are more special and no one has suffered like they. In their opinion and their opinion is the only one that counts. They were loved, they were cared about, they had support but somehow none of that matters. Their parents weren't perfect. That gives them the license to victimize and disrespect and have no regard for the feelings of others. To walk away and abandon at will with no remorse or conscience. All of that before their twenty first birthday. Sad. Yes early on all of those things are relatively benign. But give it time.
Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.
End Credit Comments
Conventional wisdom dictates that only trained mental health professionals can diagnose someone as being a covert narcissist. That would normally make sense. But the covert narc is an expert at convincing others of their sanity, especially when the contact is confineded to a controlled environment with time limits. The person truly qualified to make that judgment is the person who knows what that narc is like behind closed doors. No one can ever know for sure what goes on inside of another human being, but recognizing covert narcissism isn't rocket science. No empathy? No remorse? Lying the blue from the sky and doubling down when confronted with contradictory proof? No commitment? Gaslighting? Future faking? Phony persona? No empathy? No remorse? No guilt? No conscience? No loyalty? Never taking responsibility for making any mistakes?... etc. Many covert narcissists literally show every one of these traits, none of which are normal or typical. Yes no one is perfect and we can all sometimes have some of these traits. But when a person shows all of these signs continually they are a dead ringer for a covert narcissist. The shoe fits. Only those close to the narc can observe every one of these things. So they are qualified.
