It's Not “OK” To Be a Covert Narcissist It is always important to note that these videos being made are not being made by a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. They are not the advice of a professional. They are opinion, the opinion of someone who closely observed one individual. Yes it is quite normal for us to have deep interest in someone that we love and have committed the rest of our lives to. We want a stable, peaceful relationship and one that we can rely upon. To do that we need to try and understand our partner's needs. That takes work. Part of that work is getting to know our partner as well as possible. Yes, when we get onto the subject of discussing if it's “OK” to be a covert narcissist we are potentially stepping into a mine field. That seemingly simple question has to be answered taking into account many different facts, opinions, and points of view. It has to take into account genetics and environment, “nature versus nurture”. It has to brush up against the current mindset of victim mentality and broach upon the subject of personal responsibility. So in the end anything said on this subject has to be taken as opinion. Take it as that. So, is it “OK” to be a covert narcissist? The short answer is: No, it's not “OK”. But that was obvious. The real meaning of the question is this: Is covert narcissism an acceptable “lifestyle choice”? The rest of this video is an attempt to clearly explain and describe why it isn't , why it's not “OK” to be a covert narcissist. The average person in this world lucky enough to live in a free society simply wants the freedom to pursue their own happiness. We all have plans of making a living, meeting a partner and raising a family. We want to live in a peaceful environment in our home, with our neighbors, and be an asset to our community, our nation, and if possible even the world. We want to be as good a person as we can be. Our selfishness, our dysfunctional attitudes, our basically imperfect nature prevents us from fully realizing those goals. But most of us do the best that we can. We don't actively pursue another person's destruction and we don't actively seek to abuse or use other people. The average person inherently understands the need to be an asset to society and to the people that surround us. The average person fully sees their own imperfections and does the best they can to overcome those flaws. Yes the average person wants to live and let live. The average person doesn't think the world of themselves, but they are comfortable with themselves and over time they hopefully mature and get closer to the ideals they envision for the type of person they think they should be. Very few people were born into ideal conditions. Very few people were given genetically perfect minds and bodies, or pre-existing supreme emotional stability. Most of us make due with what we have and make the best of things. Life is a series of challenges and we may fail time and time again. The important thing isn't if we succeed or fail as much as how we react to that success or failure. It's all about our attitude. Life will teach us what it requires of us and change that attitude to a more functional one, a more mature one. Yes the average person either learns from life and matures or fights everything and eventually gets it all their way and never matures, never learns. It's a matter of a person becoming more or less dysfunctional over time. We see the results of dysfunction all around us, but make no mistake there is just as much hidden dysfunction that can't be seen. The wealthy and successful might exude confidence and success, but a sizeable minority of these people are empty suits, empty shells that simply were in a position to game the system to their advantage. It's an actual fact that for many of these posers it's not what you know, it is who you know. Yes, a shrewd person can weasel their way into getting the upper hand and in doing so place themselves into a position where easy money can be made. Those people sell their soul to the almighty Dollar and have an addiction to power and the authority given them by political positions that exist in both corporate and public bureaucracies. Yes a good example of this is career politicians of the lowest morality who make a living out of being in the ruling class. They maintain their power by being backed by “The Machine”. The back room deals, lobbying, and rampant nepotism makes these greasy politicians mere puppets of the unelected elites and organizations who call most of the shots. Go to skid row or the poorest section of any city and you'll be able to find a good number of the homeless and impoverished that are far superior to these creeps that have a veneer of success. Yes those that are not doing so well may or may not be to blame for their circumstances, but no human ever has the right to judge or simply place these people in the category of the dysfunctional who “did it to themselves”. The real point to be made is that people of high public standing who seem obviously successful shouldn't necessarily be held out as examples of people who had their head screwed on straight and made all of the right moves. Yes these people may have more dysfunction than the average person could ever imagine. But all of the above examples are the outliers and serve as a cautionary tale to people who observe a person's appearance and make a judgment as to who and what they are dealing with. Yes the vast majority of those who appear successful have attained that success by hard work, delaying gratification, and having gotten their own dysfunctional bad habits under control. The vast majority of the worst off in society may well have been born with all of the cards stacked against them, but uncontrolled dysfunction and a lack of willingness to put an effort in certainly didn't help their own situation. Yes the successful and wealthy had better never forget the luck and good fortune that got them where they are. The minute the wealthy see their success as solely due to their own efforts, they are sunk. Pride cometh before the fall. Those people of sound mind and body that had many bad breaks in life have every right to always see those terrible situations they were placed in through no fault of their own as unfair. But there is personal responsibility and blaming everything on your past is no excuse for present day laziness, irresponsibility, lack of self discipline, lack of self control and profligate behavior that hinges on being angry at the world. What about racial inequality? For that matter, what about the exploitation of poorer nations by stronger ones which creates inequality? Yes, all of those things exist and those subjects are very complex. The broad generalizations above are meant to apply to this discussion on covert narcissism. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes we have described the average people in this world, the genuine people both rich and poor. The reason people make snap judgments on another human being they don't know is that more times than not what you see in both appearance and demeanor is what you get. That ability to accurately assess another human being is affirmed or refuted for most people when they become acquainted with that person that they initially judged. The wise person learns to withhold judgment. But over time, once we get to know someone, we should be able to have some confidence in our ability to understand who that person is and what they stand for. Yes one of the critical aspects of entering a relationship is accurately assessing the person we intend to share our lives with. In the end all that we have is our own ability to judge the person we are now going to make an integral part of our lives. The very fact that the narcopath focuses solely on gaining our confidence and subverting our judgment of them shows without a doubt the wanton nature of their depraved indifference to the people they prey upon. So it begins to become clear why this discussion of human nature and the way people judge others relates to covert narcissism. Yes the above discussion of the different types of people becomes very important. We have just made an attempt to break down every one of the narc's various phony, contradictory, self opposing fake personas to their individual building blocks. Yes the narc literally fabricates their phony personas based on every person they have ever met, every movie or TV show they have ever watched, and every experience they themselves have ever had. Yes, in many ways what has just been described above is crucial in understanding the narcopath. Yes, the narc games the system by literally turning the serious matter of human existence into a game. The narc constructs one phony persona after another out of whole cloth and the key to creating these false personas and making them convincing is closely studying the “genuine articles” the genuine and sincere people who surround them. In a very real sense any given persona of a narcopath is an amalgam of stolen, counterfeited, and plagiarized personalities of the real people they have studied in the past. So yes, the narcopaths have a keen interest in studying people in all walks of life. The wealthy and successful that did achieve their wealth through genuine efforts and those wealthy who posed and weaseled their way to prominence. The poor and disadvantaged that were shining stars who did everything right but life simply never gave them a chance. The poor and unsuccessful that made bad choices. Yes the narc intimately gets to know all of these people. The anti gun activists and the pro gun activists. The people in charge and the people that are oppressed. Depending on who surrounds them, the narc will tow the line with all of the correct talking points. Yes the narc studies every spectrum of the human experience as an outsider and simply puts on whatever false act is required to fit the circumstances and deceive the current group of people in their own environment. So the narc will play the role of the person who worked hard and lost it all due to “other people” or the narc will be an”up and coming...” fill in the blank. The narc will “confide” in their partners or even their coworkers, presenting one childhood scenario after another where their own success was snatched by unfair parents, or family members or evil outsiders. Yes the narc comes from wealth in one scenario then changes strategies and comes from a situation of childhood neglect and poverty in yet another setting. As bizarre as it sounds the narc could literally juggle two disparate and contradictory fake personas at the same time depending on who they are with. Yes we are describing insanity, but more importantly underlining the sad and very sick fact that the covert narcissist doesn't have an honest bone in their body. The covert narc is full of deception, duplicity, treachery. Their intentions are evil through and through. But what about those public charities? What about them? It's all about symbolism and appearance for the narc. It's all about who that narc knows and the importance of that narc's involvement and contributions. Sure the narc cares, but somehow their charity never extends into their personal life, is never felt by their partners. Isn't that curious. Those colored bracelets and being part of a current fad or important cause give that narc the high visibility they so crave. The appearance of caring and being concerned are the hallmarks of the narc's hypocrisy. Yes that ex narc of mine now has a tattoo showing how much they “cared”. I have no doubt more have followed since then. Yes let an older person pretend they are trendy and a part of a younger generation and hip and you have in front of you a very sorry sight. We aren't talking about an older person who has a youthful attitude or dresses youthfully, we are talking about someone who wants to be a part of a generation they have nothing in common with. A narc in decline, the aging narc, becomes more and more a parody of themselves and their foolish fake posturing becomes more and more obvious. The narc doesn't even have enough integrity or integration to be able to act their age, except when”acting their age” is a part of one of their phony personas. My personal experience with a covert narcissist was quite remarkable. I truly believed we had much in common in the sense that we were both students of human nature. That narc highlighted the differences between people who cared, as a parent, at the job, or in a relationship, very precisely and accurately. Yes the narc knew the difference in behaviors between a person who was selfless and gave of themselves and a person who was selfish. So the assumption on my end was that the narc cared, had a heart, did love. But that was incorrect. The narc studies human nature not for selfless, but for selfish reasons. The narc studies people because they are always looking to “up their game”. The more the narc knows about people the better they can fake it. The narc is always looking for material that can be used in that next phony persona and key to this is having a very clear and comprehensive understanding of what concern for people in public and private settings and diligence and dedication at the workplace resemble. Yes if you boil a narc's con down to it's essence you could say the narc specializes in convincing people that they care, that they love, that they are loyal, that they are dedicated. In the beginning that narc expends a great deal of energy to make sure that a target or employer is convinced. At the end of a relationship or job, especially when a new partner or job is waiting in the wings, the narc no longer puts the effort in and as a result even the pretense of caring no longer convinces anyone. But that is by the narc's design, since it makes their departure from the relationship or the job all the easier. Yes the narc will be a bit more careful with their job departure, since a resume and references are needed. But once a relationship has lost it's value to the narc it is irrelevant to them what the target thinks or how they feel and in fact that narc will actually savor the opportunity to silently inflict emotional torture and pain on the target. Yes, in the initial stages of the discard, when the narc hasn't fully decided on the next target and is still weighing the pros and cons of leaving the existing target, the words of being committed to the relationship are still there. But the callous indifference begins showing itself clearly in the tone of voice and actions of that narcopath. Once a new target is acquired and a plan of action set into place by the narc there is no longer any pretense whatsoever of caring and the abuse coming the target's way will be inflicted with no mercy. The narc isn't worried about exposure of what they did in that relationship because it will be the narc's word against the target's. In the narc's mind they fully expect to be the arbiter of that narrative. Yes the narc has experience in dictating the narrative of what did and didn't happen in a relationship since they have been through the cycle of mirroring, idealization, devaluation, and discard so many times before. But the narc loved their animals, didn't they? Maybe. Maybe not. My opinion is that the narc doesn't really care about animals, but they sure do want to appear as being public advocates. Pets are fine, as long as they serve the narc's purposes. Of course it appeals to the narc to “own” another living creature. Make no mistake, the narc's falsehood and lack of genuine involvement extends to every aspect of their lives and every narrative they ever tried to convince people of. No the narc was never a devoted spouse. No the narc was never a victim of an abusive spouse. No that narc was never severely abused as a child. No the narc was never a contender for greatness, if it weren't for the abuse they received. No the narc was never loyal. No the narc never loved. No the narc doesn't care about the homeless, or the victims of crimes whose stories end up entering the national and global consciousness. But covert narcissists feed off of the public awareness and just have to be a part of it. The narc wants public acclaim for caring and doing, but it's really all about appearing to be a Social Justice Warrior at the bare minimum outlay of actual effort. That narc is in it for themselves. Period. It makes no difference if it is in a public setting, a work environment, or a home setting, the narc makes people believe in them and then proceeds to drain every ounce of energy out of the situation they have fabricated and deceived people into believing was real. Yes, the average person is correct in making tentative judgments based on appearance and demeanor. For the most part this serves well. But not with the covert narcissist. More importantly, the narc's deception is not only one of appearance, it's also one of demeanor. Dig deep into a narc's phony persona and get to know them and even the most intelligent person could be deceived into believing they are dealing with the genuine article. Yes, the crafty narc has studied each and every spectrum of human existence and has adeptly aggregated, fabricated, and melded together a convincing argument for a genuine human being. But the narc is in full control of the narrative in their own warped mind and therefore in control of life as they experience it. Yes it's clear the narc doesn't have an honest or genuine bone in their body. No genuine love. No genuine concern. No genuine loyalty. All fake. Because of this the people that give the narc their confidence place themselves at a high risk. Yes it would be bad enough if the narc simply put on an act, deceived, took their fill of other people's good will and intentions and then left with a reasonable excuse. Yes if the narc stopped there, we might feel sorry for them and even say we should leave these poor sick people alone. We could hope for a cure. But the narc needs full payback for the effort and energy they put into that false persona. So, to get a full return on that investment, the narc has to go the extra mile and use all of that good will they received from others, all of the love, all of the compassion and use all of those kindnesses against the very people who gifted the narc with them. Yes a dramatic ending in which the narc shocks by revealing themselves to be a totally different person than they presented themselves as being pulls the rug right out from under a target and the narc receives incredible energy and pleasure out of the breakdown in self confidence this creates in the target. Gaslighting may be irresistible to a narcopath, but pulling the veil off of a phony persona, removing the mask so to speak, and watching the horror and disbelief of the target is the narc's purest and most sought after source of energy. It's the dramatic ending and the radical sudden and unexpected shift of a relationship paradigm as well as a total rewriting of history that makes covert narcissists deserving of the term walking, breathing sacks of filth. The feeling of omnipotence over another human being this produces gives the narc the ultimate fix. But the victim is left damaged beyond belief. That's tough luck as far as the narc is concerned. The narc has moved on. They already have a new partner. Yes it is the way that narc savors cruelly toying with people's emotions that makes their behavior and their choice of lifestyle unacceptable. Yes the narc gets it over on people then gets sick pleasure out of showing those people that the world they thought they lived in, the future they anticipated and put all of their efforts into was all fake. This has the effect of literally smashing the target's life into a thousand pieces. So no, dysfunction isn't always obvious or visible and people who do try to do the right thing aren't always seen as icons of success. The main thing is not a person's appearance, or abilities, or position in life. The main thing is their attitude and how that person responded to the challenges of life. Where did that person start? What tools or gifts did that person begin with and what did they do with those assets they were given? Yes it all goes back to nature and nurture. The innherrant qualities we were born with like looks and intelligence and the environment we grew up in that was primarily dictated to us by our parents, or lack of parents. Yes eventually the person has to take responsibility for their own lives and at some point there is an “age of accountability”. No we aren't programmed robots, we are human beings who have the ability and authority to plot the course of our lives. In fact it is the responsibility of a person who is of sound mind and body to make correct choices or face the consequences. No excuses. But people don't make right choices all of the time and sometimes make one mistake after another. Yes people can make the same mistake again and again. Addictions of all varieties fall under this category. There are many other ways that people make bad choices that are obviously wrong. Yes, violence, theft, greed, and every other vice that has adverse effects on other people can never be defended as lifestyle choices. Yes there are bad choices, addictions and dysfunction that hurt the person themselves and there is dysfunction that hurts others. We may pity and have compassion for those who harm themselves, but there is no sympathy or explaining away the behavior of those who harm and destroy other people. Yes saying someone isn't in their right mind might be an alibi for an isolated event, but when one incident after another harms other people again and again there is no longer any excuse for the perpetrator. That person should have gotten a grip on themselves long ago and they have no excuse. Yes life is an opportunity, a series of events, interactions with others, and challenges that require analysis and assessment. Much of the time that is self analysis and self assessment. The average person learns and endeavors to do better in the future. The average person tries not to do harm. The average person tries to be an asset, a positive force, a force for good. But the covert narcissist isn't an average person are they? Yes there will be the argument made that covert narcopaths were “born that way”. That they can't help themselves. That they are a victim themselves. That they had a poor upbringing. That they were born with a low capacity for empathy. That they were cruelly treated and abused as children. That they had overindulgent parents that never taught them to question themselves. That they were given no love and were never shown any examples of what love was. That they weren't taught any morality by their parents and in fact were even shown how to lie, cheat, and steal. Yes they had parents who saw nothing at all wrong with lying, cheating, stealing, and lascivious behavior. But let's look at this from a different viewpoint. Covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom. No person is born a covert narcissist. A diagnosis of covert narcissism isn't determined by a genetic test or a professional clinical assessment of the chemical makeup of the brain or precise measurements of a person's ability to feel empathy. Covert narcissism is diagnosed primarily on the behavior of a person. There are plenty of people who had impoverished childhoods and grew up in severely dysfunctional environments that made something of themselves or at least made an active decision to be a better person or a more functional person than their parents. Make no mistake, isolate a baby and give it no physical attention and that person may have no empathy for others at all as an adult, and you could argue that this isn't their fault. But that isn't the case for the vast majority of narcopaths. Those narcs know exactly what they are doing and they know that it is wrong. Those narcs know they are using and abusing other people and doing them harm and they don't care. There is no introspection, no self assessment, no looking back, no learning, no endeavoring to do better in the future. Only denial. The main focus of the narc is to avoid consequences. At all costs. The pain and suffering of others, the harm that the narc does to others never even enters the equation. There is zero personal responsibility. That covert narc may well have been born with a low capacity for empathy and a weak conscience. That can even be medically and psychologically assessed in children that are quite young. But the narc knew and understood that they were different from others. That narc, even if they had no feelings for others and no inclination to do the right thing and be harmless could have made the decision to be harmless and not commit their treachery anyway. Yes the narc could have decided to do what they knew was right even without the accompanying emotions. But they didn't choose to do that. Instead the narc victimized one person after another and ignored whatever guilt or conscience they were born with. In the end they created the monster that they became through years of wrong decisions. Years of dysfunction that primarily harmed others, not the covert narcissist themselves. Yes, you can argue an alcoholic has a disease and can't help themselves. But for someone who has alcoholics in the family that person isn't going to be playing with fire and somehow think to themselves: “for me it will be different”. Instead that person will acknowledge their own possible weakness and avoid overindulgence in alcohol or any drug for that matter. They simply will never use alcohol to try to make a problem go away. They will think about alcoholism and how people get into that pattern and avoid making those mistakes. Yes the narc may be an addict just like a drug addict or an alcoholic, or a gambler, but the narc's addiction is an unacceptable one. No, covert narcissism isn't a disease. It's a person who made poor use of the tools and gifts that life gave them and gave in to an addiction they were predilected for. A person who made one poor choice after another and never cared a whit that other people were harmed. All of the narc's focus was on escaping consequences, on themselves. A person who became increasingly more and more wicked, destructive, and harmful over time. No, covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom, a behavior that manifests itself in a constellation of bizarre motivations and contradictory behaviors and speech that are counter intuitive and nonsensical to the average person. But the pathology, the “disease” that causes those signs, that inherent lack of empathy combined with a poor upbringing, didn't have to create a covert narcissist. Those exact circumstances could have created a person who was aware of their own lack of empathy and decided to be a good person despite the motivations inside their own heart. A person who decided to be harmless and do the best they could with what they were given. No, public visible charitable contributions don't count. Being a human being to the people who you decided to trick into being your partner counts. Being loyal to your loved ones counts. No, cheating again and again with anyone who will have them isn't an addiction, its a sign of someone who simply doesn't care. A person who long ago abandoned their own humanity and lost whatever conscience and empathy they were born with. So NO, it isn't “OK” to be a covert narcissist. It isn't an acceptable “lifestyle choice” although it may well be an addiction. Yes corrupt politicians, crony capitalists, and even some criminals may have their fans. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But violent habitual offenders, serial killers, psychopaths, sociopaths, and covert narcissists are not people who should go about their lives doing as they please. They need to be stopped in their tracks, imprisoned, or in the case of the covert narcissist the public has to be made aware of these freaks and their ways need to be exposed. Let the narcopath find a different hobby. Destroying other people's lives and playing with their emotions is not harmless activity done by people who should be left alone. The narc thinks their atrocities are nothing at all, that the victim made too much of things, took things too seriously. Yes the narc denies, minimizes, and with enough time in the end even “forgets” all that they have done in the past. Yes the narc will convince themselves and anyone who will listen that they were the victim and will accuse the target of having committed much of what they actually perpetrated. In the narc's mind it is the target's own fault if they were damaged, if they believed in the narc, if they actually took the narc seriously. Yes covert narcissism doesn't exist according to the narcopath, or if it does the target was the narc. No that isn't how it works. The narc was an adult and they were very adamant and serious about their commitment to the target and the relationship and the future together. Even when continuously scrutinized. Yes they were a good liar, a deceiver, and in the end showed the target the true meaning of treachery. It will take another person, a very different one, to teach that target the true meaning of loyalty and commitment. A different person to show that target the true meaning, value and potential of genuine love. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Summary: So let’s be clear about what’s being said here: yes there is a disease process going on in the narcopath. That disease is an abnormally low capacity for empathy coupled with an upbringing that didn’t address that issue or a child that simply wouldn’t take direction and “won the battle”, “got it their way”. Yes the parents may have just been worn down with exhaustion, or were misguided progressive parents who unwittingly created an adult who saw no need for introspection or self analysis. Yes parenting is an art and a science and things usually turn out fine, but not when the child in front of you has that low capacity to empathize.

But none of that is even the main point. The main argument is that at some stage the narc became sentient and then later became accountable for their actions and words. The narc as a living breathing human being with a mental capacity to understand and comprehend right and wrong at some point CHOSE to do wrong, because it was the natural and easy way for them. Other people with the same exact disease or deficient ability to empathize CHOSE DIFFERENTLY. Yes there may have been outside influence from parents and others, but the narc never took direction from others, good or bad, anyway. Covert narcissism is a sign and a symptom; it is the manifestation and culmination of all of the narcopath’s previous wrong choices. The constellation of behavior patterns and speech called covert narcissism may be an addiction or a “trap” that the narc is stuck in. But the narc built every bar of that jail cell and then locked themselves in. That is sad for the covert narcissist, but they will receive no help. The covert narc will never acknowledge that anything is wrong with themselves at all.

Because covert narcissism is harmful and destructive to OTHERS and it is the result of the narc’s OWN DECISIONS and “lifestyle choice” it’s NOT OK to be a covert narcissist. We fight against these creeps by exposing them and educating the public in the hopes of sparing others the destruction that will surely visit them when they are conned into a relationship with a covert narcissist. Yes, information and knowledge will make it a little harder for the narc to victimize yet another target. End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. It may well be that the majority of targets weren't attracted to a person who disrespected and abused them. The target was attracted to a person who “admired and respected them” and had much of the same likes and dislikes as they did. Only after the target made that commitment did the abuse begin and that abuse was instituted very gradually. It was the narc's ploy and their excuse that they were hardened by a poor upbringing and that is what made the target give the narc “a free pass”. Yes, the hope was that if you gave the narc enough love and tolerance they would “see the light” and become the person we saw they had the potential to be. Sadly the narc's “story of abuse” was a tried and true excuse that worked like a charm many times before. It gave the narc free license to show callous disregard for their partner's feelings. The target made many mistakes in that relationship but putting up with being a doormat in perpetuity wasn't part of the target's plan and it certainly didn't keep the target in the relationship. Children did. Family commitments did. Financial dependence purposefully created by the narcopath did. In the absence of any of the above manipulations the narc did behave until they decided to move on to the next target. In the end it was love and commitment and loyalty to a person who we felt needed us and loved us that kept the target holding out hope. But we now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. There was no end game for the narc, there was no future, there was no goal in that abuse. Yes constructive criticism can be a foundation for a future healthy relationship. But that is never what it was with a narcopath. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. Edited End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. We now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated by the narc to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. So the hope is that the healed target does “give it another try” and chooses wisely. Their investment in that narc was a waste but there will be someone out there who can and will appreciate those efforts.

What Will Become of the Covert Narcissist After They Leave? What will become of the covert narcissist after they leave? Well, many a victimized target who had just about every conceivable form of abuse, fraud, and treachery committed against them has a very good idea of what they would like to happen. Yes that target has extremely strong opinions about what should happen to that narc. Mostly the target wants that narc to receive payback. The target wants the narc to experience all of the pain and suffering that that narcopath served out with such calloused indifference to other people. With interest. But what does the target observe? It seems that the narc gets off mostly scot free and is even rewarded for the evil they perpetrated. So that target has the urge to settle the score, the urge to seek vengeance. But this is the target's initial response. It is understandable. Later, the paradigm changes for the target when they have healed, especially if they have had the good fortune to rebuild and replaced all that was lost. Yes eventually the anger fades and we feel bad for these creeps. After all, nothing genuinely good will ever come of any of that narc's evil actions. They sowed the wind and that means a whirlwind will eventually head their way. But that is later. It's almost a foregone conclusion that the narc will have travail. There will be nothing the narc can do about that. That narc squandered their opportunity. But it's in the target's hands to not suffer the same fate. In the early stages of the target's awakening and realization, before that target can envisage recovery, even if that target does attempt to give the narc a dose of their own medicine, that retribution will rarely come close to the degree of damage that the narc did to them. The target would never go as low as the typical cheap and filthy narcopath, who has no boundaries. In the end anything that target does “to get even” will only serve to justify the narc's false pretense of that target being the unstable abuser. Ultimately, whatever temporary satisfaction that target gets from giving the narc a dose of their own medicine will just end up lessening the narc's culpability and debt that they owe. Yes, there are long term implications for the target if they do succeed in evening the score in the form of personal guilt and remorse. That target may well be able to unleash a psychological firestorm against the narc and get away with all of it. But there is a God and He sees all and knows all and has highly detailed knowledge of what motivated that target to behave the way they did. Yes that target was instructed by God to “stand down” and let the Almighty handle things. There are consequences to not obeying that command. So “getting away with” and succeeding in giving that narc a dose of their own medicine may give temporary satisfaction. But guilt and remorse and a fear of the Lord will carry on as long term consequences for that target. The key difference between the target and the narc during the relationship was that the target had genuine love and made a genuine commitment to the narcopath, in stark contrast to the narc, who was never serious and was only putting on an act. But long term, after the relationship ends and the target begins learning what happened to them and understanding the fraud perpetrated against them, the focus shifts to other differences between the target and that narc. Yes, we are assuming that the target actually does have empathy and does have a conscience, regardless of their belief in a higher power. But for the believer, the fear of the Lord and the awareness of His presence is the clincher that eventually means the believer is given stern warnings to “leave things be”. Yes, God does communicate with the believer, not audibly but through circumstances that govern a believer's thoughts and behavior. But that is a subject for another day. The bottom line is that the target and the narc live in two different universes, even though the narc's phony persona made the target believe there was much in common. The key difference that needs to be focused on in this discussion is conscience and remorse. No we won't be discussing the false piety of a so called religious narcopath. The narc's faith is a joke, since the narc has no more genuine belief in or respect for God than they had genuine love or respect for their partner. Instead we focus on the narc's lack of conscience and lack of feelings of remorse. The lack of those key items creates a chasm which separates imperfect people who strive to be good from people who are evil and are simply interested in making sure they preserve their own public reputation. Yes the narc's lack of conscience and remorse gives them license to do almost anything they can get away with. On the other hand, the target does have a conscience and does feel remorse and those two critical attributes weigh down the target with guilt. That governs the target's actions. How? Guilt is a painful emotion and a strong motivator. Guilt provides painful lessons that teach that target never to transgress again, because they want to avoid that guilt at all costs. Yes, the fear of having to endure the pain of guilt again is a huge deterrent. If the lessons aren't learned the first time, the situation gets worse and eventually that target “gets it”, receives the message and listens. Yes those transgressions by the target could be telling half truths, lying, or stealing just to give a few examples. Make no mistake, that target is a mere human being. They don't walk on water. Yes, some of the more minor transgressions the narc has repeatedly done throughout their lives may have been briefly contemplated or even done by a target as well. But the target learned. They thought deeply about what they did and suffered the consequences. No matter how similar the external actions of the target and the narc the big difference is in the motivations, in the internal workings of the narc's warped mind. The narc's disrespectful, haughty, self entitled false grandiosity is an attitude forged in an environment devoid of any conscience. That is why those creeps are habitual offenders, habitual abusers, habitual destroyers, habitual perpetrators. In a real sense conscience and remorse are the key items that straightened out the target's crooked ways and thought processes and attitudes. They allowed that target to learn lessons from life and mature. The abuse that the narc perpetrated and the realization of the fraud that narc committed presents the target with a huge challenge that will require every ounce of whatever maturity life has taught them. Yes that target is a human being, not a saint, and treachery at the level that narc committed against them creates a fertile environment for dark thoughts. Yes when a person we loved and trusted and would give our lives for returns all of our best intentions with unjustified evil, that creates a potentially explosive environment. Yes in the direct aftermath of the discard when that narc is gloating and jeering in tandem with their new partner most targets are blindsided. They haven't got a clue as to what kind of demon they were dealing with in that narcopath of theirs. Yes, initially the target believes that somehow that narcopath is justified in all that they are doing. But the flaw in that logic is that the target actually thinks that narc to be someone with a moral compass, a person that thinks logically and with reason. In the aftermath of the discard, that target still thought of their ex partner as someone who believed in the importance of being good and doing the right thing, regardless of how flawed they were in the execution of their intentions. But no that isn't what was going on. That partner was a narcopath and they saw nothing wrong at all with being evil. Any regard that narc had for the feelings of their ex partner was simply motivated by making a smooth transition to a new partner or preserving their public image. Away from public view, that narc and weasel partner of theirs showed their true colors, displaying a pathologically depraved lack of empathy and ruthless lack of remorse simply because they knew they could get away with it. Yes, the narc and their new partner knew they could get away with it, so why not do it. Thankfully the target's realization of the truth behind those treacherous actions comes later. Yes that revelation of the enormous scope of the fraud and treachery that narc perpetrated can conjure up demons of hostility and vengeance and a need to settle the score, but those feelings of vengeance are out of place for a person who has spent their lives heeding their conscience and trying to do the right thing. Yes those thoughts of wanting to give the narc some of their own medicine are powerful, almost overwhelming. It requires every ounce of what life has taught the target to vanquish those thoughts. Yes, that target made the decision long ago to do their best and do what was right and the narc tested the strength of those convictions. Yes the target could be forgiven for crossing the line and engaging in gaslighting and treachery and deception that would throw that narc into a tailspin, but the target might never be able to forgive themselves. Yes guilt is painful and the worse we fail in doing what is right the greater the intensity and duration of the painful consequences. But not acting on those impulses gives no immediate relief. Those benefits come later and the objective for the victimized target is to come out of the abuse with no second thoughts. Yes the goal is to disentangle ourselves and never look back at what we should or should not have done immediately after that narc committed their act of treachery and destroyed our lives. There was no logic or reason for the victim to “stand down”, it was counter-intuitive, it made no sense. There was no satisfaction in “walking away” and remaining as harmless as possible. But the long term benefits are undeniable. You can't put a price on a clean conscience. It is inestimable. It eventually allows that target to make a clean break from the past and neutralize almost all of the effects of the abuse. Don't misunderstand, that target isn't expected to be a saint. Absolutely the target should forgive themselves for not being perfect and having said and done some minor things that were in effect harmless compared to the massive destruction the narc was actively and purposefully inflicting. But when no major damage is done by that target that pays huge dividends in the target's future and has huge implications for the narc as well. Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel said it best: You can take things into your own hands, or you can leave the situation in God's hands and have a much better outcome. We will most likely never know what becomes of the narc if they have cut all ties with us, or maybe the news of their fate will come our way through no effort of our own. But in the end there will be no pleasure knowing that the narc did actually pay a heavy price and suffer deeply. It will be sad. There will be no gratification or fulfillment in knowing that the narc is suffering at all. Reports of the narc's tribulation won't be celebrated by the target, but instead that empathetic target that has healed focuses on themselves and examines their own culpability in the situation. No, that target doesn't want the responsibility of having taken part in making another person suffer or setting that person down the path of destruction. The target's actions, no matter what they were during the revelation of the narc's treachery was all about wanting to understand and wanting resolution and wanting a clean cut if that is what the narcopath wanted. But that narcopath wasn't a partner at all. That narc wasn't an advocate, they weren't on our side, they weren't on our team. That narc never loved us or cared about us, they simply used us. The narc was never actually our friend and because of their own individual treachery that narc trusted no one. That narc's jaded world view and assumption that it was a dog eat dog world meant that they never understood the real meaning or value of love and friendship. The result was the narc themselves interpreting everything through their own warped point of view. They were untrustworthy, they were no one's friend, they were treacherous and therefore they judged others to be the same as themselves. You could rightfully call that narc's extreme inability to trust others paranoia. Yes the target's actions in the face of the narc's treachery and betrayal were all about that target not wanting to believe their partner was capable of this level of malevolence. The answers were sought by the target for good reason. The target wanted to know what they had done wrong to deserve the treatment the narc gave them. The target wanted to understand and justify the narc's actions and words and behavior. The target simply wanted to make sense of things, learn and hopefully move on. The target wasn't motivated by malevolence. Yes there was incredible disappointment and anger at the betrayal. But the motivation for the target was to understand and lessen the pain caused by the seeming treachery and clear the confusion that resulted from the narc's inexplicable behavior. It was all about wanting to repair or end a relationship in a way that honored the years spent together. But the narc saw it all as a person wanting to harm them. After all the narc was always emotionally divorced from their previous partner, so when that narc decided to seek out a new partner they saw no need to expend unnecessary energy on the no longer wanted relationship. Somehow, because the narc was ready for a change of scenery that warped narco pathic freak believed, or at least made themselves believe, that the target was just as much a mercenary in that relationship as they were. Yes, because the narc was only putting on an act and was never a genuine partner they could never understand why a relationship can't be turned off like a light switch. That narc saw being a friend as simply acting like being a friend and that false pretense of being a friend to someone could be shifted to being that same person's enemy on the turn of a dime. So the narc assumed that the same was possible for the target. No that isn't how it works. Love is real, commitment is real, friendship is real and those attributes have tangible manifestations. Those attributes aren't turned off suddenly and they have great value when someone bestows them upon us. Yes the narc somehow saw wisdom in the saying “I can be your best friend or your worst enemy”. Yes that statement speaks for itself doesn't it. It's a rare display of candor by the narc even though the narc doesn't even realize it. No, if you are someone's friend, a true friend you will never be capable of being their enemy, unless they were a narcopath. Yes the narc is the exception, they deserve to be the enemy of every single person they betray. But most people aren't narco paths. Most people want to be able to live with themselves. So they go on with their lives and ultimately pity the twisted sick narcopath. It's far better than harboring resentment and anger and hostility. No we go on with our lives and seek the company of a better class of person to spend our time with. In the end we were saved from ourselves and the upgrade is very much appreciated. Yes a quality life can be lived when another person cares about us and supports us and is genuinely appreciative of us and values us for who we are. No, love, commitment, and friendship when genuine, aren't turned off like a light switch. Instead they can be relied upon and in the midst of the greatest adversity, even when two genuine partners have major disagreements. Yes love, friendship, and commitment still play a huge role when two people come to the sad conclusion that they can't make the relationship work. Yes maybe one partner wants the relationship, but they realize they will never be able to give the other partner what they are looking for, so they let go. But they were allowed the chance to meet those expectations by a partner that at least honored the commitment of that relationship. Even if the dissatisfied partner's love may have been lacking in it's strength, it was still there. But in the end no one wants to live with a partner that can't be satisfied. There can be a debate about if those expectations were realistic or not, but ultimately the partner who thinks they need to leave is allowed that freedom. Yes let that partner go on to what they see as greener pastures to their benefit or to their detriment. The key is that it isn't the problem of the partner that was left behind. For example, maybe the finances weren't enough. OK, if that is what made the partner leave so be it, that is their problem. That is on them. Lets be clear no relationship ends without pain and suffering, but the important thing is for both partners to try and dissolve things in a way that creates minimal damage. Unfortunately many relationships with two genuine partners can end in acrimony. That is just human nature. But the narcopath sets themselves apart in the way they end a relationship and in this process, the narc's lack of love, friendship and commitment become fully revealed. No it isn't normal when the person you rely on as a shelter from the harsh world suddenly becomes the person who wants to harm you in any way possible. That is rightfully called bizarre and crazy behavior. So the sane victim of this ruse by the narcopath is faced with an emotional storm of chaos and confusion and the only person who could possibly get them out of the situation is the person who has now made themselves our enemy and is gleefully watching our world fall to pieces. With their sudden new partner, no less. So under no circumstances should that target have any regrets about having sought answers. Under no circumstances should the target feel bad about having wanted to seek vengeance. Hopefully the target did the bare minimum to try to even the score. Maybe there was no wisdom and no satisfaction in walking away at the time. We couldn't see any of the benefits at the time. We saw only our own pain and the destruction that narc caused. We saw only that narc's incredible arrogance and treachery. That narc seemed bulletproof, and being that they never loved us they had nothing “to get over”, did they? Yes that narc got their new relationship immediately, no looking back, no obligation whatsoever to the partner they spent years with and faked the planning of the rest of their lives with. But that was then. What about that narco paths situation years later? Well for the target it may well be unknown, but more importantly it is irrelevant. Yes the target moved on and has only their own role in that relationship to think about. Yes that target made the mistake of having a relationship with a narcopath and being unaware. But the target forgives themselves and hopes that God forgives them as well. Premarital sex, which is now the norm, creates great risk. Many people, even in the face of not waiting for marriage do get lucky and meet a good partner, but those unfortunate enough to have encountered a narc need to think twice before they ever break that rule set up by God for a reason. Yes the target was punished, especially if they believed themselves to be a Christian. But even the secular target would have been well served to “take it slow”, because no covert narc will want to delay gratification and that means we are free of those covert creeps before we ever make ourselves fully vulnerable to them. Yes that narc wasted years of our lives, years that we could have taken to cultivate a relationship with a genuine partner who saw something special in us and was more than willing to delay gratification. Yes, the target may well have found themselves again and put themselves back together, and that has made the narc's fate a moot point. But there was love for that person, there is a responsibility felt for that person simply because the target did invest themselves and try to have a positive impact. That target in the end will not be celebrating the adversity of the narcopath, they will instead hope that they didn't have any part in sending the narc down that path of destruction. That is where the “not acting in kind” steps in. Knowing that we didn't seek to add to that narc's misery at a time when our emotions told us to serve retribution will be a great source of comfort and justify our own current belief that we deserve a new healthy relationship. In addition, we remember that we never stopped caring while in the relationship with the narcopath. We tried to inspire them. We tried to be a positive force. We tried to point out and make the narc aware of a life that didn't need to be lived in the darkness and shadows. We took a deep interest in that flawed and injured person and tried to make a difference. Yes it's sad when a narc finally hits that brick wall and their world is destroyed in the same way they actively destroyed the world of other people. But the narc did that to themselves. They had it all. They had stability and love and a real tangible bright future with a person who would have accepted them for who and what they were. They had respect and they were actually, despite their lack of genuine intentions, making a real difference. No they will never reach the heights or recreate what they had in the past and that alone will gnaw at them. Such is the fate of a narc who ran out of second chances, played a bad hand and had their bluff called. Then payment was due. A person who is on the downturn, growing older and becoming lesser as every day goes by. Well that narc's actions against us are a millstone around their neck, one of dozens of millstones they have accumulated during the course of their lives. Your retribution in the aftermath of the treachery would have lightened that narc's load. The narc acting like a human being and treating the discarded partner with respect and giving closure would have lightened their load. Yes giving retribution would have produced some relief and satisfaction, but that would have been short lived. Not giving retribution at the time gives huge benefits to the target years later. Let's be clear and repeat: There was nothing wrong with standing up for ourselves and acting in our own defense. There was nothing wrong, in the midst of the incredible treachery and abuse for drawing and enforcing a “red line” that would not be crossed by the narc or their weasel partner. No regrets for that. Yes standing up to people who capitalized on and took advantage of your misfortune and vulnerability after incredible emotional abuse was the one thing that needed to be done to get yourself back. But that wasn't retribution, it was self defense and putting an end to the abuse. It was standing up for yourself. It was the beginning of your awakening. To covert narcissism. It was the beginning of getting all of the incredibly important answers that would eventually lead to your full recovery. So what will become of the narc after their departure? Do you really think that creep will ever be happy and content and find true love? Do you really think that no matter where they live, how much money they have, how many possessions they have, no matter where they live they will ever have inner peace? They robbed the target of everything and now that narc thinks they deserve all of the good things this world has to offer. But is that realistic? After all that they did and walked away from? Yes we here about the criminals, ranging from white collar Ponzi schemers to low life thugs living off of their ill gotten gains, but are these people icons of success? Only on the outside. Of course we know that eventually most of these creeps do get caught. So will the narc...eventually. The narc knows that and is always “looking over their shoulders”. Mostly for what they might call “Karma”, since the targets have moved on. But the narc is paranoid and maybe even rightfully so, because those millstones are a weight upon them. Yes paranoia may well eventually slowly destroy that narc no matter what there financial status, where they live, or who they are with. You were there for the narc, you were ready to forgive. You were ready to send them off with the hopes that they would finally be happy, despite your own disappointment and anger. You wanted resolution for yourself and what the narc never saw is that you wanted resolution for them as well. Yes that narc may have found happiness, joy, peace and contentment if THEY did the right thing. But they didn't. Hopefully the target did the best they could to do what was right and that means the target has the possibility of true joy, happiness, peace and contentment. So that target, if they play their cards right and don't seek retribution will have no second thoughts. They won't be second guessing themselves or be plagued by a guilty conscience and pangs of remorse. They will feel no responsibility whatsoever for what becomes of that narc, no matter how sad the outcome, or how good for that matter. The narc made their decision and there was no stopping them. They made their bed and now they sleep in it. That narc is looking over their shoulders even though the target will never be there, but the consequences of evil actions will. The target is off the hook because they were ready to take responsibility, ready to resolve the issues and allow both partners to move on. But the narc had a different way of handling the situation and because of that has those millstones around their neck. Baggage that they take with them wherever they go. They always talked about carrying around other people's baggage. Sure. That narc never had the capacity to carry other people's burdens and baggage. They have way too much of their own. The phony narc only pretended to be carrying other people's baggage, when in reality they were abusing, stealing, lying, cheating, victimizing, and only pretending to be a loyal friend and partner who cared and carried our burdens. Yes they call the problems normal people face that can be benefited by a partner's assistance baggage. No matter. The narc was only ever in it for themselves. They carried nothing for no one with the exception of the support they gave their own children. We will give them that and only that. But even that was in its own way selfish, and not at the level it could have been. So good luck to the narc. Their fate is not our problem or concern. But a healed target will be saddened by that narc's adversity and misfortune anyway. If the narc is doing well, fine. Maybe they changed, as unlikely as that is. Either way the target will never feel responsibility for the bad or take credit for the good in the narc's future life, because the narc did things in a way that took everything out of that target's hands. The healed target has erased that narc and gets no benefit out of revisiting that painful past with the narcopath and therefore would prefer never to know any details whatsoever. No, that narc's misery gives the target no pleasure and their so called happiness and success is just fine with that target. Good for the narc. But the real world doesn't reward evil creeps forever and hopefully that narc has finally sobered up and realized they are out of second chances. Yes good luck to them. Remember this: When the thought of that narc and the relationship with them makes you nearly sick to your stomach, you know you have made huge progress. When the mere thought of that narc makes you immediately switch to another thought, on any other subject, you are close to fully healed. Yes, we dwell on things that make us happy and hopeful and give us faith in life and in the future and the thought of that narc just sucks all of the light and energy right out of our lives. We don't need that. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Published End Comments: There are people in this world that have dedicated themselves to being arrogant boastful sacks of filth. They never learn, they never reform, they never change. Instead they double down. They see their arrogance as self confidence and something for others to respect and admire when in reality this attitude stinks to high heaven and is anything but admirable. They mock what is good and because they have no seeming repercussions their evil continually increases. They seem untouchable and it’s hard to imagine that people can go through life and never be humbled . Nevertheless those people do exist.

The average person wants no part of these creeps and actively avoids any relationship with them whatsoever. But when the covert narcissist entered our lives we had no idea we were doing just that: bringing a malevolent wrongdoer into our lives and allowing them full access to all that we were and all that we owned.
No more. We have no obligation to try to communicate with these people or try to do anything at all to help them because we’ve already gone down that road and saw that it made no difference.
Yes the target has every right to move on and never look back. The target has every right to genuine relationship with a quality person. No regrets. That genuine relationship will restore the target's faith in the human race minute by minute, day by day.

It isn’t our responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want help, even though we see that they’re destroying themselves. Yes the covert narcissist is a loser regardless of their financial and social success. But they’ll find that out later because, of course, nothing we ever told them had any impact on them whatsoever. Yes evil people exist. The target learned that. But good people exist as well and the right partner will confirm that without a doubt. Original End Comments: Remember that although the target might have contemplated doing some of the minor things that a covert narcissist actually did, the majority of what that narc has done in their life is something the average person would have never even given consideration to. Yes, most of the evil that a covert narcissist does is the product of their uniquely warped brain. That distorted thought process has environmental and genetic causes, but ultimately it is the choices the narc made themselves that created the person we encounter that we view as a sane adult.

That narc may well be a victim of a poor childhood environment. Yes either neglect or excessive unmerited praise could have warped that narc's world view and magnified that narc's sense of entitlement along with excessive expectations of having things their own way. That narc may have been born with a low capacity to feel guilt or remorse or empathy and no we can't blame someone for their genetics. But that the narc is fully responsible for what they did with the poor hand they were dealt.
You could say there is a fork in the road at a certain point in some people's lives and at that juncture those people need to decide if they will continue to do the wrong thing or make a decision to do the right thing instead. Yes even the most reprobate covert narcissist was a child once and did have at least some innocence. At every juncture that narc decided to do what was wrong and those poor decisions destroyed whatever small amount of conscience that the narc was born with. But more importantly the destruction of that conscience took that narc down the path to increasingly more corrupt, degenerate, and debased behavior. Every transgression made the next greater transgression easier to do without a second thought. Every lie made the next greater lie easier to construct and maintain. Those immoral and profligate behaviors and attitudes created an internal mental environment that aided and abetted every other form of new debauchery. So in the end that narc that narc created themselves. Things could have been different. Yes if you could look back to the covert narcissist's childhood you would see multiple instances where the narc not only had the opportunity to do the right thing, it would have been easy for them to do the right thing. Yes there were multiple chances to change the course of their destiny and at each and every opportunity that narc actively decided to do wrong. Because they could and could get away with it. Yes that is sick, but in the end the narc victimized themselves and created the monster that they became. That narc never understood that progressing in and cultivating a life of evil and depravity is not the same as becoming mature. Yes the covert narcissist in their twisted mind equates advanced levels lying, gaslighting, treachery, deceit and theft as maturity. But the average person intuitively understands that being able to get away with evil behavior is hardly mature, but instead is a sign of immaturity.

Maturity is just the opposite of the narc's vision, it’s having restraint, it’s being kind to someone who doesn’t even deserve it, it’s doing the right thing when the temptation to do the wrong thing is incredibly strong. Yes, just about every time that narc had a choice, they made the wrong one. Sadly when the narc did make the right choice by mistake, they sabotaged it. Yes that narc not only created themselves, they created the situations that they ended up havin to live with.

The Covert Narcissist is Nothing and No One: Deconstructing the Narc's False Narrative Before we even begin, let's be clear about who this message is intended for. This message is solely for a survivor of covert narcissist abuse that is still having problems eliminating that creep from their minds. No, this message isn't an attempt at insulting a covert narcopath or somehow getting them to see the error of their ways, “see the light”. That would be a waste of precious time and resources. An informed person doesn't waste their efforts on trying to talk sense to an unteachable disrespectful narcopath who thinks things are just fine the way they are. The point of the video is to clarify the actual significance of that covert narcissist in the target's mind. Yes that covert narcissist had a major impact on our lives simply because they were an abuser and a perpetrator. After enough time and study the enlightened target understands all of those things. But many a target still has a “sweet spot” for the narc and still holds out hope that this was all just a bad misunderstanding and that eventually this nightmare will end. Yes that narc will return and be truthful and prove that they actually loved you and cared. OK then, they weren't a covert narcissist. You were mistaken. Time tells us the reality of what that narc's true intentions were. So after a good amount of time giving that ex a chance to prove themselves, to be and actual human being, and no evidence of it whatsoever, it becomes time to eliminate that covert narc fully from our thoughts, to neutralize their influence on our daily lives. Yes the anger, bitterness, and resentment need to be gone and that process is a long and difficult one in and of itself. But that target also has to clearly put that narcopath in perspective and see them for their true insignificance. With or without knowing it the target sees that narcopath as important, having stature, having “gravitas”. One reason for this is that the target conflates the negative impact of the abuse with the so called good times, then makes the mistake of seeing that covert narcissist as having also had a certain degree of positive impact along with the incredible negativity. Yes the push-pull, the trauma bond effectively ties us to the narcopath and in a sense gets us addicted to their approval. So those crumbs that narc threw us appeared to us as precious jewels during the relationship and the target continues to view those platitudes with fondness after the narc has departed. No, they were simply crumbs, nothing more. It was all by the narc's design to make those crumbs appear as jewels, but we are now thinking clearly and rationally again and we see things for what they actually were. So the narc gives us an image of them being irreplaceable. That is pure nonsense. In fact that covert narcissist is easily replaceable and when you look at these creeps apart from their great ability to destroy people's lives and lie like there is no tomorrow, you see a very small human being devoid of any real substance. It is only our love for them that binds us and makes them important and part of that love means we don't see these creeps for what they really are. The target needs to correct this faulty thinking if they are ever to fully heal. Yes the narc can be charming and impress people with those incredible lies that they tell so easily, to say nothing of the phony flattery. But the narc will have a hard time pointing to any verifiable positive accomplishments that weren't simply public gestures. Yes when working with public charities there actually have to be some genuine acts of contribution, but the narc will give that charity and make sure they capitalize on every ounce of it. The billboard or public persona of a narcopath is their most cherished possession. It matters more to them than their own partners. In addition there is no doubt that the narc also has personality, but they are devoid of the more important quality of character. So onto trying to find a solution to the target's problem and furthering that goal of neutralizing all influence of a narcopath on their lives. It might appear to an outsider that using pejoratives to describe a former partner and labeling them a covert narcissist is simply a jilted lover disparaging what they can no longer have. Sour grapes so to speak. But let's be clear, there is genuine disappointment, incredible shock and even horror when a person first discovers they have been lied to in every way imaginable 24 7 by a person who pretended to be there for them, pretended to care, pretended to love. For years or even decades. There is no easy way to reconcile your previous vision of reality while with a covert narcissist and the actual situation, the actual dynamic that was occurring which we now clearly comprehend. There is no easy way to cope with the harsh reality that a good portion of your life was based on a lie, a purposeful con job perpetrated on us by a person who was the incarnation, the epitome, the full manifestation of a lie in human flesh known as a covert narcissist. Yes the reality of what that narc did is incredible and even unbelievable to some people, but what does it matter what others believe. It happened. It was real. It happened to us. Yes, no matter how bizarre and nonsensical it is, covert narcissism is real. It happened right under our very noses and buried itself into our hearts and minds and psyches and even though we knew something was terribly wrong we never suspected how pervasive and extensive the narc's mental illness was, how deep the dysfunction in our partner ran. Yes we were also dysfunctional, but that can be forgiven. Had we have known the fraud being perpetrated upon us early on, had we been convinced without a doubt that our partner was playing a game and never loved us we would have tested and confirmed our hypothesis and set up boundaries to protect ourselves. But as it stood we chalked it all up to the narc being a good person who genuinely loved and just needed our understanding and patience. In retrospect it is clear that target was wrong, but was it really wrong to care enough about someone to love them and to hold on even in the face of adversity? No that wasn't wrong but when most of that adversity originates from the partner we genuinely love and not external circumstances beyond anyone's control, that holding on actually becomes a source of dysfunction for the target. Yes that narcopath gradually ramps things up and has a never ending supply of issues that need attention and then on top of all of that moves the goalposts. That narc is very careful and gives brief moments of respite in this push and pull manipulation. Yes the narc understands the need to every now and then throw a few crumbs of kindness and seeming love the way of the target to keep them hooked between the periods of abuse. Some call this a trauma bond. The end result is a targeted partner who becomes increasingly addicted to the narco paths approval. So the target loses all sense of reality and is placed into a death spiral. A never-ending cascade of unresolved issues of increasing complexity, quantity and duration eventually results in the target losing all sense of reality. So the abuse continues and the target simply accepts it all in the end because they have been conditioned to accept it. But all of this hinges on the false narrative that the narc actually loves and is committed to the partner. But of course we now understand fully that the reality of the situation is very different. Yes a sick creep who doesn't love or care and never did was simply playing a game, but it wasn't only for their own personal amusement and satisfaction, although that did play a role. That game was also played out of necessity, for the narc's literal survival. Never forget that the covert narcissist is themselves an addict feeding on the genuine love they elicit. Yes it is a game being played, and act being put on by the narc, but it's also important to note that narc has transformed themselves into a parasite that can no longer exist without a host, without a victim. So in the end the narcopath is a predator out of necessity. But isn't it curious that the victim is totally blind to it all? Yes the recurring analogy of the spider web, being enticed then trapped in a web, slowly encased in silk and drugged into believing that we are somewhere in paradise. In reality a predator has immobilized us and is draining us of our life force at will. So that is the reality of the situation. The target was chosen and victimized by a loveless, heartless, narcissistic creep so close to being a psychopath that there is hardly a real distinction if you look at the warped internal workings of their mind. That narc never cared one iota for the person they pretended to commit to. Yes that narc promised heaven and earth and in the end only ever delivered pure hell. So how could the victim be blind to it all? Well that is because the narc created a perfect false image of themselves in the beginning phases of the relationship that we never stopped believing in. The ideal partner that seemingly understood us in a way that no one ever did. A person who seemingly admired us and was appreciative of all that we stood for and did. That narc repeated again and again how certain they were that we were the one they had been searching for all of their lives. Yes that narc had issues, but they convinced us that we were the first people they had ever met that actually made them feel “right” and valuable. Yes that narc pronounced we had healed them and that gave us a deep sense of meaning and satisfaction. Wasn't that what true love was all about? Having a relationship that could allow both partners to heal and prosper? Yes, but sadly this was all a farce, a game. Some of us had purposefully delayed entering into another relationship because we had been waiting for the ideal situation and this appeared to be it. So we took the bait. The rest is history. Remembering the fact that we were victimized and lied to means that the bitterness and resentment and need for vengeance still crop up on occasion. Yes we absolutely have to eliminate all animosity, all toxic thought patterns if we are ever to find joy and peace again. In the early days of our recovery a painful memory triggered by nearly anything in our everyday lives rekindled our anger at the narc and they were once again in our minds. Then we thought of the incredible treachery and duplicity and the rage nearly burned up all of the peace we had worked so hard for and it seemed that all of our progress was lost. But we picked ourselves up from those setbacks and redoubled. Continually fighting and working on those toxic thoughts eventually made them dissipate and we learned to forgive. We forgave for our own peace of mind. We forgave because we refused to be a bitter human being for the rest of our lives. That narc stole many years of our lives but they wouldn't get another day. They wouldn't get another hour. No more of our lives would be wasted on the narcopath. At least that was the goal. Eliminating the toxic thoughts removed most of that narcopath from our consciousness, but we still had that image in our minds. That idealized image, the myth that narcopath created about themselves that made us believe in them, believe in their love, and have faith in them. But that narc we knew and loved was never a real person. That person we thought the narc was never existed and that fake persona was more real to us than it ever was to the narc. Yes the narc jettisoned that persona and moved on. They dyed their hair, changed that hair style, got a tattoo, moved to a new location, got another accent and a new lover and a new life. That narc fabricated a whole new back story and no one that now knew them was any the wiser. That sick creep even stole some of your positive attributes and beliefs and plagiarized them making them their own. But you are forgotten. That narc we knew and loved is gone and in actual fact never genuinely existed in the first place. That version of the narcopath is unlikely ever to return and yet we still have them in our minds and hearts. The narc themselves probably finds that quite amusing. But they have no intention of regressing to that persona again. Unless it is to their advantage. For the most part, it's all about change for the narc and that requires a new and a different persona, not revisiting an old one. The narc created that persona brick by brick as they studied us closely and the way to dissolve that image, that fake persona is to deconstruct that persona piece by piece, disassembling it and eventually seeing that persona for what it really was: as phony and valueless as a three Dollar bill. What about that idealized future you had, that ideal utopia where the narc was good and loved and you both finally achieved everything that had been worked for and promised? Well you are now in a position to customize that future to your own standards and likes and the great thing about that future is that you can actually realize it and make it happen. No narcissist necessary. No relationship needed at all. Yes there will hopefully be a genuine relationship at the end of the tunnel when we have healed and put that narcopath behind us. But for the moment we work on ourselves. We work on our own situation. We become someone of value that has something to offer. We refuse bitterness or to be a victim the rest of our lives. Yes we will have a bright future and that will be a future without a parasitic, ever-complaining naysayer that gets pleasure out of creating mayhem in our lives. Yes the bright future we have in our mind's eye is a future that will be realized alone, or with someone else. Never that narcopath. But that requires work and the work needed is to break down that narco paths fake persona until it is demolished and seen for the phony facade that it always was. True and genuine love is out there, but it will never be found with a narcopath. So now we need to be blunt and say it like it is: The narcopath is a nothing and a no one. Not sour grapes, just a fact. Not a pejorative, just an assessment of that person with regard to their impact, the actual and genuine impact they had on our lives. Who are we to judge? We were there. We are qualified. We were in the trenches and witnessed all of the horrors first hand. Yes the narc may have been our heart's desire, even when we knew in our minds they were pure poison. But we have recovered and we have our senses back. We had a close call with that spider, but we were discarded by that creature before it finished us off and managed to salvage ourselves and rebuild that broken body of ours. The covert narcissist is a nothing and a no one, but they convinced us that they were something and someone. We believed, we had faith and that was our mistake. Yes, when we finally wake up and understand and see clearly we observe the actual being behind that mask, and it's astonishing how insignificant that person really was. How mediocre in every way. Yes there were glimmers of greatness and perhaps if that narc had made different choices in their lives they could have been something. They could have been someone. They could have been a contender. But they weren't and they aren't. They may have actually been great and achieved. But they are a lowlife narcopath and their accomplishments over the decades of their lives speak for themselves. Oh yes the narc worked competently and even had many good qualities, but they were never loyal and they never really cared. The worst of it all is their treachery, congenital pathological lying and the philandering that hardly ever restrained itself. Sorry to say it's disgusting for a man to engage in infidelity but there is something that really turns the stomach when it's a woman that gives herself away. The insignificance of that covert narcissist is clear when we realize that everything we cared about in that person was a lie, an embellishment that bore very little resemblance to that narc's actual core beliefs and motivations. Yes the narc seemed selfless, devoted, a person who loved and had been hurt, and needed our genuine love to restore them, but the reality is they never loved or cared about love and they always manipulated. When we begin to see that just about everything about that narc that we admired was fabricated and that they are really such small petty fake human beings, we begin to realize it’s not even worth being upset with people of such insignificance. Yes they got us. They faked us out, but does that make them clever or significant? No. The real measure of a man or woman is character and in that category the narc not only falls short, they are an exceptional failure. Only the devil rewards liars, thieves and charlatans. In this world that is. The next world will be a different story for the narc if they don't have a genuine conversion and give their lives to Jesus. But make no mistake, even the devil has no respect for the narc. The narc is simply his puppet to do with as he pleases. No we shouldn’t allow insignificant people to have a huge impact on our lives. But first we have to see these charlatans for what they are. We need to acknowledge the reality of that creature behind the mask and let go of our own ridiculous belief that the fake persona was ever real, that the person we thought was something ever existed at all. But the narc you encountered had spent decades in a previous relationship. Doesn't that count for something? Well the devil is in the details and the reality of why that narc stayed had nothing at all to do with loyalty or love. But that previous relationship sure served its purpose to give the impression of a devoted partner who was loyal. There was much more to the story. Much more. But how was a target to know. In the beginning two plus two equaled four, or so you thought. Yes, everything fell into place and added up in the first few years of the relationship but we weren't really looking at the actual numbers and that is why things began to fall apart. In the end nothing added up or reconciled or made any sense at all. Yes the narc cooked the books, the books of your life, the books of your very future together and eventually that fraud was found out and it became clear the fraud was being perpetrated from day one. Yes in reality there was never really anything at all behind those numbers. They were fabricated out of thin air. It looked good on paper, but the whole point was for the narc to make sure you never verified. That was our mistake. Yes our mistake was to place faith and belief in a person who never merited it. Our mistake was assigning way too much importance on a person who was literally nothing but a bag of wind. We put way too much weight on and took that narc far too seriously. That narc was more than pleased to witness and absorb and solicit even more of our naive admiration for them and that made them think us a fool that deserved every deception they inflicted upon us. Yes that narc got supreme pleasure out of making us believe their lies. Notice never is any mention made of love. No that narc was motivated by pure malevolence and the pleasure of perpetrating a fraud on another human being. Yes the target made a huge mistake placing importance on that narco paths words, taking them seriously, respecting them. The target actually thought that narc had character, a moral compass, substance. Sorry, but no it was us projecting our own hopes for who they were upon them. There was no “there” there. Yes the discarded victim knows this for sure. They witnessed it. They saw. They know that it was all a lie first hand.

Yes the target made many mistakes. Mistakes of judgment. Mistakes of not being vigilant. Mistakes of not being discerning enough to get into the weeds and try to sort out all of the inconsistent narratives the narc was coming up with. Yes the narc was a liar. We knew that. But we should have realized that if they were lying in the small things they may have been lying in the more important things as well. Of course we now know that the narc was indeed lying in the important things and doing that on such a huge scale that it would have been unimaginable. The narc's lack of empathy was also apparent, eventually. The narc's disloyalty was also showing up here and there. But our mistake was never putting together the pieces and having a frank conversation. Yes the target made many mistakes, but they are forgivable mistakes. Yes the target erred on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt and in the covert narcissist's case that was like giving them a loaded gun. They used that weapon against us, didn't they? But love is meant to be blind and forgive and give the benefit of the doubt, so we can certainly forgive ourselves for having felt that way about another human being that we loved.
That situation is hopefully behind us and at present we need to concentrate on our recovery. That takes us back to the factuality that to fully heal we need that covert narcissist out of our head. We may be in the middle of repairing the damage that narc did and the adversity that is befalling us is directly connected to that narc's actions, so in that case we can't simply forget. But we can use that adversity to turn the narc's evil into good in our lives. It goes without saying that the toxic anger and bitterness that may well be justified also has to be eliminated if we are ever to achieve the goal of total erasure of the narcissist. That erasure is for our everyday thoughts, not our memories of the past. Those present intrusions of the narc on our peace are all about still not being able to fully believe it all. We still can’t fully comprehend the deception or the ruse. We still can’t believe that narc wasn’t who they said they were, and we still can’t get over the disappointment of the person having let us down to that extent. Because of this we still attach importance to that narc and it saddens us to diminish that narcissist. We really don't want that narc to be insignificant, we want them to be the person we saw in our mind's eye, we want that phony persona to be genuine. As for the resentment and need for vengeance, once we see that narc for the small insignificant person that they are we realize that they aren't worth our bitterness or resentment. No that narc took enough of our lives away and we will no longer allow them to ruin what is left. The narc isn’t worth taking the joy out of our life or being an impediment to our own contentment. So we erase them from our daily thoughts. Remember, those of us who never married the narc and share no children with them have no obligations to these people whatsoever. Yes we made promises to and plans with that narcissist as well and we backed up those promises with sincere intentions and actions. But the behavior of the covert narcissist absolved us of all obligations to them. In contrast, the covert narcissist has all of the obligation in the world to the target, being that they caused so much pain, suffering and destruction. But the target doesn't even want them to fulfill those obligations anymore. In fact the covert narcissist can't fulfill those obligations anymore, but that doesn't mean they no longer owe payment. That payment can now only be made by Jesus with the narc's full genuine repentance. Yes the target does eventually move on and any opportunity to make things right is no longer available to the narcopath. Yes even expecting the narc to pay isn't worth the effort for the target since it means keeping the narc in their active thoughts. That narc wasted enough of our time, they were a nothing and a no one who made us believe they were a something and a someone. Our vision of who they were and what they meant to us was never real and that happy future we were working for was never meant to happen. That future was simply a farce that the narc kept perpetuating, otherwise known as future faking.

So in conclusion, we need to see that covert narcissist for what they were in reality. We need to discern the actual positive impact they had on our lives. When we focus on that and that alone we see that there was never any “there” there. Yes it was much ado about nothing and whatever we thought of that narc was based on a fantasy, on a lie, on a ruse. We have lost nothing with the departure of that covert narcissist and if we work hard we will gain back ourselves, get back our lives. What we are doing by understanding the true nature and value of that narcopath in our lives is just the opposite of denial. We are actually seeing the truth clearly, uncovering what was actually going on. Most people don't want to live alone and because of that they are willing to put up with a partner's idiosyncrasies. But the covert narcissist took that tolerance to its limit and then used it as a license to abuse and use another human being. That is unacceptable, and the freed target should be very grateful at having another chance to do a relationship right. That target will never accept lies and inconsistent statements again. That target will see right through the gaslighting and simply remove duplicitous people from their lives. A relationship is a choice unlike having to deal with relatives, and that target will choose wisely or be happy alone. Are there covert narcissist that are something and someone? Absolutely. There are the ones that are self-aware and actually try to help others avoid being harmed by members of their kind. The rest of these creeps who continue to effectuate mayhem upon one victim after another don’t deserve an ounce of respect, neither do they deserve any sympathy. That extends, of course, to the very narcissist that victimized us and made us aware of something we would have preferred to never know about. We would have been quite fine never knowing about the existence of covert narcissism. That narc was devoid of everything required to build a satisfying, edifying, uplifting, healthy relationship that adds to our existence and allows us to become more than we could have ever been on our own. Yes, love is real, it exists and when the right partner is found it creates magic. But the narc will never have anything at all to offer towards seeing the reality or power of love in our lives. The narc is devoid of the very building blocks of a genuine relationship. They have no love, they have no empathy, they have no truth, they have no loyalty, they have no appreciation for us, they have no respect, they don't care and never will. Yes those crumbs of positivity they threw to us were like pearls to us and our actual pearls of genuine love were trampled under the narco paths feet. Pearls to the swine. We don't need that in our lives. We want a quality person who has the ability to love us and appreciate us for who we are. We want someone who is uplifting and supportive. We want someone who doesn't conjure up one dramatic event after another in unending succession. We want peace and stability and someone we can count on to be an actual partner. We were unlucky that the narc came into our lives, but we now have the ability to change our luck and avoid another relationship tragedy. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you End Comments: Remember that fully healing from the abuse of a covert narcissist requires us to divorce ourselves from these people to as great an extent as possible. We divorce ourselves from the anger and the bitterness and the need for wanting to see them pay. We divorce ourselves from the emotional impact that the memories of all of that abuse invokes. We simply refuse that past abuse to have any power over us at all.

We also divorce ourselves from those so called golden periods and see them for the fraudulent manipulation that they were. We see everything associated with the narcissist as phony and fake and no longer worthy of being emotionally engaged with.
We look at that narcopath and every second we ever spent with them with detached amusement. Yes it happened to us but those events have been drained of any meaning or consequence in our lives. In a way it’s sad to neutralize whole years and decades of our lives but it is necessary, since it clears the path for us to form meaningful attachments and meaningful experiences with genuine partners in our present and future. It allows us to have potential contentment and actual genuine memories and experiences that we can look back on with fondness. Yes things can get back to normal again and we can look back at past events in our lives just as we did before the narcopath ever entered our lives. Previously, we looked at our whole lives as a learning experience and cherished each and every one of those past moments, good and bad, as key events in our lives that taught us important lessons. But that attitude was used against us when a person with insincere intentions decided to play a game and use every good thing that we had in our lives against us. Someone who purposefully capitalized on our kindness and genuine love. No, that chapter of our lives doesn't qualify as a learning experience to be looked back at with fondness. That time with the narc was simply a mistake that did us very little good, a waste of our time. So we acknowledge the narc and their presence, we don't deny, but we drain that time of our lives of any significance. We cut our losses and move on. The narc couldn’t be happier than for us to dwell on the abuse and the fraud that they perpetrated on us. It makes them feel significant and important. The narc can't help but admiring their own “handiwork” in someone else's life. We will deny that to these creeps, neutralize their significance. Instead we move on and stay alone or surround ourselves with quality people. Replacing the narc is easy. Removing the damage and toxicity is the part that is hard and prevents recovery as well as clouds our judgment and makes that narc far more important than they have any right to be.

Will the Covert Narcissist Return, Are They “Watching” You? Will the narc return? Are they thinking about you? Are they keeping tabs on you? Every single targeted victim is interested in having answers to these questions. Every single victim wants to know and after a discard even needs to know. Definitive answers to these questions are almost meaningless, since each and every narcopath and each and every relationship was different. So the answer is complicated. A healed victim is as emotionally detached from the answers to these questions as possible. They simply don't care what the narcopath is doing or what they are thinking. They want these toxic creeps out of their minds, out of their headspace, and out of their hearts. A healed victim simply wants a full mental and emotional divorce to go along with that physical separation. But that is a difficult task for the target that was victimized by a covert narcissist. The reason that target has so many problems achieving this goal is because they were abused and traumatized, they were assaulted emotionally, psychologically, mentally, and possibly physically. They were lied to and had incredible treachery and fraud perpetrated against them. That all creates damage that needs to be repaired and emotional baggage that is very difficult to unload. But those issues have all been resolved for the healed victim. On the other hand, the freshly awakened target has a long road ahead of them, a journey of discovery, a steep learning curve. A newly awakened victim needs to learn what the actual dynamics of that fake relationship with the narcopath were. That target always assumed and incorrectly assumed that their partner actually loved them and cared about them, was an actual human being with an emotional attachment, was a person who actually invested themselves into their partner and the relationship and the future to be shared together. Maybe they were. Maybe this was just a normal relationship that ended up in an emotional train wreck. Maybe that target was a victim of unintended circumstances. Yes, that ex partner of theirs was a good person placed in a bad situation. They really did care. Right? Every single one of those possibilities is hoped for by a victim whose partner ghosted and went no contact. A partner who left without explanation and suddenly had a new relationship and flaunted it in ways to make sure that the targeted ex partner received maximum pain and damage. All of this done purposefully, by design, carefully choreographed and executed to strike the most devastating blow possible while at the same time ensuring that the discarded ex was given no recourse, no ability to respond whatsoever. No opportunity at all was given to receive any answers as to what just happened or receive any feedback. Yes that ex partner was shut out, and the strict policy of no contact ended up being just another form of abusing that ex partner. Yes that narc and their weasel partner had a bonding experience straight from the inner reaches of hell. Yes the weasel partner actually convinced themselves they were noble to do damage to another human being they never even met, all based on the word of a pathological liar. The very notion of interjecting yourself into a relationship and preventing a discarded partner from getting any closure and then thinking they are deserving of that relationship is the height of wickedness. So the answer becomes glaringly obvious: No, that covert narcissist never loved or cared. That covert narcissist wasn't a good person placed in a bad situation, they were an evil person displaying their true nature. No that covert narc wasn't out of their mind, they were in their right mind. Certainly the excuse of “not being yourself” evaporates years and months after the discard, doesn't it? The big tell is that years later the narc is still lying just as before and continues to not have any feelings of guilt remorse or display any evidence of a conscience. Covert narcissism confirmed. Just like the wealthy Ponzi schemer or the bank robber who destroyed the lives of numerous people saying they were not themselves at the time and yet they continue to live in the luxury given to them by those ill gotten gains. The actions of these filthy creeps show quite clearly that they feel justified in having that stolen wealth that came at other people's expenses. They feel deserving of that wealth and of course the lip service they give of not being in their right mind costs them nothing. No that narc would never actually admit they were wrong or ever even say they were sorry, even disingenuously, because that would actually cost them something. Back to the target. Directly after the discard and during the triangulation that discarded ex isn't pondering covert narcissism and they are most likely not even aware of this condition. They see their partner as an average person who must have a real reason for acting the way they are and saying the things they are saying. All that ex is focused on is trying to understand what would motivate someone to behave with this level of wicked and evil indifference. The target's main question to themselves is what did I do to deserve this? What was I doing wrong? How did I fail? Surely those actions of the narc ex have some justification, some rational explanation. Yes there has to be a reasonable explanation to account for a partner who shifted loyalties like a light switch and transformed into a stranger overnight. Yes that ex partner is more than willing and even wants to understand where they went wrong. The narc and their new partner supply the answers in a social site smear campaign and strangely enough that victim takes those accusations to heart. Later the target understands about the bizarre phenomenon of projection: accusing someone of doing to you what you actually did to them. Yes think of the absurdity of a narc and their new partner actually accusing the discarded partner, who is alone, of being disloyal and not serious about the relationship. But the confused victim in the early stages actually takes this absurdity to heart and believes it. Any answer is better than no answer. The target actually gets some relief when they can blame themselves for it all. But that is before the victim finds the truth in the rubble that was previously called their life. The victim's frame of reference, the very foundation of their life, including the meaning of that life and the direction that life was headed for in the future, is literally blown into a thousand pieces. So a salvage operation is started and the victim has to literally gather and hold onto as many as possible of the pieces of that previous existence that are still functional. Strewn among the shattered remains of that so called relationship and life together are some pieces of a puzzle that the target never really scrutinized. Yes those white lies on closer examination reveal a far more sinister intent. What about the life that partner lived in your absence? Well all of the sudden a veil is lifted and those clues form a very different picture that seems to illustrate that the narc was already searching long before they left the relationship. Yes every now and then the narc let it slip that they may not have been portraying you as an ideal partner while in your absence. Yes at ground zero, when your whole life changed in the blink of an eye, the narc showed themselves for what they were and that painful revelation, that glimpse into the heart of the beast was the key to unlocking all of the mysteries of that past relationship. So the ghosted partner eventually learns the painful truth, comes to grips with that truth and heals. That healed target, having searched for and found the raw facts of that association with a treacherous creep otherwise called a covert narcopath comes to only one conclusion: They made a huge mistake engaging with that narcopath. Yes that target is no longer a victim and they have simply boiled down that association with the narcopath as a mistake that they fully take responsibility for. The conclusion is crystal clear: That target is grateful it is over. In fact that target tells themselves: “Thank goodness it's over”. That target got their answers and their closure and strangely enough, it was far better for them to never have gotten any honest answers from the narc. That healed target has rebuilt their life and has a thick, nearly impenetrable wall surrounding the narc, in effect making them a non entity. No that wall isn't built to surround the target, it simply encapsulates the narcopath, like the body would with a pathogen as it does in Tuberculosis. Yes the narc I was with did make three appearances after the discard, mostly to terrorize and threaten in an effort to silence me on my own social site. On one of those occasions the narc literally told me that they never loved me and in retrospect even though the intent was to do additional and further damage, it was actually the truth. That narco paths last attempt was years later and that was a much more practiced presentation, but the lies were now so obvious to me. That final appearance actually gave me the rare opportunity to observe a narcopath tell verifiable lies in real time and show that narc contradictory evidence to what they had just said. It didn't seem to phase that creep one bit, there was a “tell” however and I won't disclose what that was. Yes this meek presentation was formulated after an especially nasty trolling campaign by an anon that threw every fabricated accusation possible at me. I wasn't taking the bait, but neither would I stand down. In the end that troll was blocked and I knew exactly who it was. Within weeks the narc walked through the door. Coincidence? Well anything is possible. The point to be made is the half-hearted fake attempt to give “closure” three years out was laden with lies and deception. No, in retrospect it is very good that narc actually never gave any honest answers when they were sorely needed. Yes a freshly discarded partner would hold onto any feasible explanation, believe it and move on. But the fake reasons given by the narc in their one way smear campaign fall apart when we actually begin finding out the truth. So onto trying to answer the questions of is the narc watching you? Will they return? Well we are talking about an ex partner that has shown themselves to be a narcopath without any doubt left. Yes multiple videos have discussed the topic of how to tell if that ex was a bonafide covert narcissist and that is our starting point. If you aren't sure, none of the following applies to your situation. So let's be blunt: the narc never cared about you and never loved you. That creep never presented themselves as a genuine human being with genuine likes and dislikes. Sadly those so called fake likes and later love as they applied to you were also phony. It was all an act, and I am sorry to say that feigned fascination with us and shared interests and beliefs they had with us were also all a sham. Yes the mirroring idealization phase is simply the narc baiting their hook. Then we get to the devaluation. Yes, on the other side of the coin, that narc's dissatisfaction with us and endless complaining and moving of the goalposts was also based primarily on fabrication. The hamster wheel we were put on. The endless cycle of trying to please. That unending striving that we engaged in to gain stability and peace. Yes everything always promised to be just around the corner, with just a slight bit more effort. That struggle we were purposefully made to go through was also a sham. The actual so called relationship that in every sense of the word appeared to be intimate, appeared to be emotionally, mentally, physically genuine was all a ruse. So that narcopath never cared about us at all while in the relationship. What was their motivation then? They were in it for themselves. To manipulate, to deceive, to gaslight, to lie, and eventually confuse another being to a point that they had power over them. This was simply the narc extracting fuel from the target. In the beginning it was positive energy and at the end, in the devaluation and discard phase, it was all about capitalizing on the power that the vulnerability of genuine love gave the narc over their ex partner. The narc reveled in and fully extracted every ounce of energy that came from the power they were able to wield over another human being. The narc felt a surge of incredible grandiosity as they toyed with a confused ex partner's emotions and confirmed to themselves their utter superiority that would place them so far above another human being. Yes those sick twisted ghouls actually got intense satisfaction out of making another person suffer. Then they “moved on”. Yes they departed on a plane, a healed “victim”. They were taking no one else's baggage. Of course they had created baggage for many people during the course of their lives, hadn't they? But that doesn't count. It is forgotten, erased. They discarded the unwitting “weasel” who never had a clue as to the way they were being manipulated, and finally met the person of their dreams in the location they had envisioned living in their whole lives. Neat and clean for the narc. In fact that narc fully convinced themselves that they were deserving of all of the good things this world had to offer. Yes they were getting what was earned by them after years of so called suffering and so called abuse. They felt fully justified in never thinking about the ex partner that they projected their own wickedness upon. OK. So do you really think a person with this mindset is revisiting and mulling over the past? Thinking about the ex? No that ex is only useful to the narc in telling those they seek to deceive about their own past abuse. Covert narcissists posing as damsels in distress or angry misunderstood rebels with hearts of gold are irresistible to the uninformed. So where does this leave us? Well the victim does eventually heal and has absolutely no need or desire to see that narc again. That sad chapter of the target's life is an embarrassment. Yes the target clearly understands what a mistake they made, how foolish they were. The in-glory of that narcopath in all of it's detail makes that target sick to their stomach when they contemplate actually having gotten anywhere close to that twisted warped excuse for a human being. How on earth could the target ever mistake this creep for a valuable asset, see them as a worthy partner? How on earth could that target be so blind that they actually perceived that tragic relationship as the best thing that ever happened to them? Well in the midst of the spider web, under the influence of that narco paths toxins that web might seem to be a paradise. All the while that target is being immobilized, wrapped and encased in silk. Being prepared to have every last drop of their life force sucked out of them. Sucked dry. So the target has hopefully learned their lesson. The narcopath has gone their way, they've moved on. Good for the last target, maybe not so good for the next one. Yes, that narc learned their lessons as well and realized they needed to be much more covert and more importantly discard in a way that preserves the next discarded partner's dignity. So the weasel was dropped with a velvet glove if they weren't exactly what the narc wanted. Maybe the narc got lucky and the weasel was a long term prospect. But no long term commitments were made. More likely the weasel simply served their purpose and freed the narcopath to find a high value target. Remember it's never about love with the narcopath. For a woman it may well be a clueless old fool with too much money, or a man of means that was broken by a previous relationship. Either way that female narc will find a stable situation that gives them something they want. The male narcopath will most likely just pursue someone that is simply different from their present partner. Even narcopaths end up being deluded by their own lies and the “replacements” they choose for their devoted and sometimes beautiful wives and long term partners hardly qualify as superior in any way. Yes, that new partner may be younger, but for the most part that partner is a downgrade. Yes, an exciting immoral, promiscuous relationship makes the stable consistent and reliable partner of years seem bland. Yes that partner, male or female, was perfect for the majority of that narco paths life. That person allowed the narc to be a “home maker” or a “family man” and that gave huge benefits. Yes, it is important to keep in mind that the narc doesn't confine their deception to a relationship, in fact the narc's specialty and the thing they cherish most is their public persona, their “billboard”. Of all the things that narc changes in their lives, they do try to project a stable, moral, coherent, and consistent public persona. But even that public image is often radically altered if necessary for the narc to remain socially conscious, socially relevant, and on the cutting edge. Sometimes the narc simply changes their social profile and re creates themselves with no one being the wiser. But the narc's actual public identity will be built into a seeming monolith, incorporating every publicly known event that they ever engaged in. After all public personas can be embellished and exaggerated with very few if any people actually scrutinizing the charlatan. Think about the clown who spoke broken English and still convinced others he was a Rockefeller. Yes outrageous lies that are doubled down on provide a cover for some of the most preposterous scams and deceive even the most intelligent and discerning people. So the narc moves on. But the question is will they return? The other question is are they watching you? The short answer is only if it is to their advantage, only if necessary. Remember, that narc was never “stuck on us” , or loved us or ever had any intention whatsoever to actually commit to us or be loyal to us. The narc sees themselves as royalty, as above it all, while at the same time feeling intense shame and inferiority. Yes that's insane. The narc was simply fixated on us. We were a person to conquer, to deceive, to overpower with the most outrageous lies that became increasingly more unbelievable as the narc trapped us further and further in that web of theirs. Why? Because the narc continually has to affirm their own superiority over another human being, because they aren't comfortable with themselves. Deep inside the narc knows they are damaged goods and the only way to feel better about themselves is to damage those around them. Yes being superior for the covert narcissist is simply a relative term. Burn down another person's mansion and your Cape Cod now becomes a mansion in comparison to that pile of ashes. So what would bring the narc back to our doorstep? Well that narc would have to be brought to their knees and then to their stomach. That new idealized partner might have been the greatest tragedy that ever befell the narcopath and now they are left with nothing. They may be in debt. They may be wounded by their own act of treachery in a new setting. They may have health issues. All of the sudden that partner, that bland boring partner is seen in a new light. Or maybe the ex has rebuilt their lives and the narc simply can't resist “going at it again”. Yes, the saying “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” is mind candy to a narc who is now bored with a current situation. Maybe the narcopath, seeing that you have rebuilt, will simply want to “stir the pot”, or even worse destroy what you have rebuilt. Notice that none of these scenarios has any benefit to the target at all. Yes some targets will make the foolish move and actually give that narc a second chance. Make no mistake, if that narc gets what they want, either having once again deceived you, or they are once again healthy and functional, that narc won't be able to resist giving you the shaft once again. But never until they have secured a new partner. Yes the narc always has a “plan B”. That narc may spend the rest of their lives with you, but that's only because “plan B” isn't better than what you have to offer. Make no mistake, after you had every last ounce of energy extracted from you in the discard phase, you were out of that narco paths thoughts. Yes, that narc moved on and they were fully engaged in their next stage play, excitedly fabricating their next exciting phony persona. Nothing excites a narcopath more that re creating themselves in a fresh setting. No the narc was too busy to be thinking of you. Oh, but you were on the verge of total collapse? Well to the narc that's your problem. It doesn't concern them. In fact you are none of their business. But once that new exciting scenario has been fully realized, every now and then the narc will need a “boost”. No, you will never know about it. Yes they will occasionally monitor your social sites and try to garner any information possible. Your tragedy will be their pleasure. But the narc really won't put that much effort in. They are busy with their own lives, after all they are in the idealization phase and they have left their past life behind. The persona the narc faked is erased and the partner of that fake persona, you, are erased as well. As far as the future is concerned the narc is already looking at many other prospects (targets) to improve their present situation (otherwise known as their current relationship). No, you aren't a priority for the narc at all, unless you have something to offer that none of the current prospects have to offer. Under those circumstances and those circumstances alone will that narc try to rekindle the “romance”. Now of course the target has hopefully done their homework and realized that the past relationship that is presented to them as paradise on a moonlit beach was actually a cesspool and no, that doesn't seem appealing to the target at all. Yes that target should say “no thank you” to that offer. But the narc will give it a go if they think they can get away with it. Even if only to get you to agree to get back together. But if the narc knows you are wise to them, they won't even put the effort in. You will never see or hear from those creeps again. So the bottom line is that the healed target couldn't care less about what the narcopath is thinking or doing. It has no relevance to them. They see that narc for the incontinent, unreliable, sack of filth that they are and will not waste another second of precious time on them. Does the narc watch? Who cares and quite frankly we wish they would go on and live whatever excuse for a life they have gotten themselves into and NOT watch. We aren't watching them. We don't want to know and we don't care. We have paid our dues and more importantly we have hopefully learned our lesson. Yes we made a mistake. Yes after the breakup the target is intensely interested in what the narc is doing, wants to believe that they are important to the narcopath, wants to believe the narc is watching. Because the target does care and they still love. But the narc never cared and they never loved. Maybe they are watching, maybe they will one day return, but if they are a true narcopath they will never return if it isn't somehow in their own interest. It will never be because they cared or loved. Or had any guilt or remorse or empathy. It will be for the most twisted reasons. Reasons so sick that you don't even want to understand, because there is nothing to gain from understanding. Yes that partner may not have been a narc, maybe they were a person with good intentions, but that explanation is off the table if they engaged in triangulation and continued to abuse after they left. Yes that type of activity is unacceptable and proves that your partner never did anything but use you. It might be forgivable, but that is only because we accept the fact that narco paths are mentally ill. We forgive because we don't need toxicity and negativity in our lives. We forgive for our own peace of mind. Yes, God told us to walk away, leave the vengeance to Him, and to even try to forgive. We didn't understand then. Now we do. So is the narc watching? They may or may not be. Is the narc going to return? They may or may not. The more important questions are do you care if they are watching and do you care if they will return? More importantly do you ever want to see or speak to these creeps again? Don't misunderstand, it's totally normal to care about that narcopath, that is a function of our love and the bond we had with them. But that bond needs to eventually be broken for us to fully heal and get ourselves back. That severance has no time limit or schedule that must be followed. Each target needs to get to that point at their own pace. For the healed victim it is clear that these demons have nothing to offer, they add no value to life and no, we aren't interested in doing anymore blood donation just to see that blood spilled on the ground with glee. We will invest in people who need and want our help and who appreciate what is given to them. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.