Why No Contact With a Narcissist Always Benefits the Target: The case for no contact with a narcissist. Before we even begin let’s be clear no contact is often times not initiated by the victim, but is rather used as a tool by the narcissist to walk away from a situation and avoid having to answer for all of the evil, lies, and deceit that they perpetrated upon their partner. To the victim that doesn’t get any answers from the narc after they walk away, it may seem like no contact is the worst possible thing. Yes there is no doubt that no contact from the narc is a form of abuse that benefits the narcissist, but we aren't focusing on the short term benefits to the narc and the immediate injury to the discarded victim. Instead, we are looking at the long-term implications of no contact and how no contact is ultimately very beneficial to the victim. Does the narc benefit from this long-term no contact? Possibly they do, maybe not, but the thing that we must focus on is the victim and getting them back to emotional, psychological, mental, and physical health. What we’re trying to do is make sure that the victim regains hope in their lives and restores their faith in humanity. Those are our goals. So whether the narcissist benefits or doesn’t benefit long-term from no contact is of no consequence. The narcissist has done what they’ve done, they’ve had it their way, they’ve gotten everything they wanted, and any repercussions from what they have done to their ex partner is on them and on them alone. Yes we em paths tend to care about our partners even though we were terribly attacked and abused. Any sane person with the ability to truly love another human being and commit to them simply can't just turn off that love and commitment like a light switch. Only the narc can walk away cold turkey and in doing so they give themselves away. This ability to move on and get over a relationship instantly and have another relationship is a clear giveaway that that narc never cared or loved or committed or had any loyalty. It is a clear indicator that the narc was a total fraud. Of course the warped narc will be with their new friend and then turn around and tell the abandoned partner they were the disloyal one. The sad thing is the victim will be so distraught by the whole shock of seeing their partner remove their mask and turn into a total stranger that the partner will actually buy this totally ridiculous and unfeasible statement. But with no contact the fog begins to clear and the mind starts reorganizing itself and begins once again thinking rationally, logically, and with reason.
Once the mind is functioning and thinking clearly and the victim has done their homework and learned about covert narcissism they can begin the long, convoluted journey of discovering and comprehending what happened to them. It is essential to understand those experiences with the narc for what they were in actuality, in reality. At the time the victim had those experiences they were being interpreted in the context of the fantasy existence the narc had created and not the real world. Yes, that whole experience with the narcissist from the very first moment that creep entered their lives to D day, the day of discard and abrupt no contact is now slowly disassembled into its component parts and each part re evaluated with the knowledge gained about covert narcissism. New revelations occur daily as memories of the past are triggered by things the victim encounters as they go about their daily lives. In the beginning those memories cause acute and intense episodes of emotional pain. That emotional pain can range from a sense of dread, a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness to intense anxiety, to deep rage as the duplicity, deceit, lack of honesty, and malevolent treachery of the narc now comes clearly into focus. Some of these triggered intense emotional episodes can bring that victim to their knees, paralyze them mentally and emotionally and for that reason are rightfully called PTSD. But the victim takes each of these episodes of PTSD and uses that pain to focus their attention and work out what is going on, gaining insight into what misconceptions are causing these totally irrational feelings. One by one these episodes are confronted, like a bull is taken by the horns, and analyzed. Over the course of many months the PTSD subsides and the importance of the narc in that victim's life fades. The victim begins to understand that the narc is an irrational human being that never had any real reason to treat them as badly as they did. Slowly the victim gets themselves off the hook and realizes that the narc's opinion of them, the idealized fake opinion in the beginning and the fake devaluation at the end, were all pure fabrications and that makes the narc's opinion irrelevant. Yes, the victim's greatest mistake was respecting that narcissist. The narc's opinion was certainly never worthy of being respected, but sadly you come to the conclusion that even the narc themselves isn't worthy of any respect at all. Of course you still respect them, that is what a decent human being does, they respect all people, but certainly that narc will never again be trusted. Certainly that narc will never be believed again. Of course any narc knows that once they have been found out it's game over. No narc can live in an environment where their cover has been blown. So much easier for the narc to find a fresh supply of naive people that have never heard of covert narcissism. So yes time gives clarity and resolution and meaningful, important, and healing answers to the victim. Those answers come from research and daily work. So the victim reevaluates and begins to understand the truth of that interaction with the narcissist. Yes the victim now understands the reality of every gesture of kindness, every faux display of concern, or empathy, or love. The victim understands those were never real anyway, just gesticulations and signaling of genuine emotions that the narc learned to fake so that they could get an emotional response and extract energy from their victim. Yes the victim thinks back and realizes they had a sixth sense, a feeling that something was “off” about everything the narc did, but somehow that intuition was neutralized. The victim thinks back on the numerous half truths and white lies and now clearly sees that they were only a small indication of the true depth of that narc's duplicity. After enough time pondering that ridiculous time with the narcissist, sifting through memories and comprehending them for what they were, not what they appeared to be, the victim can slowly begin to understand the depth of the sham or confidence scheme that was perpetrated upon them. Working on the resulting rage that comes from the revelations is essential. With each success in giving that rage to God, room is made for more, even starker revelations to be comprehended. We then get to the question of is there any benefit whatsoever, after a period of no contact, of having a frank an open discussion with a narcissist to try to get some real closure. The answer to that question is no, not if that person you were with is a true covert narcissist. Now in the past I would have told you that every narc is different, that narcissism is on a spectrum and that no two relationships are the same. All of that may be true, but a true covert narcissist, no matter what portion of the spectrum they are on, will never do anything for another person's benefit. If that narc has any reasons to re-initiate contact with you it will be for solely selfish reasons. We have to remember that the narc doesn't care about you at all. The narc never did. Not at the height of your relational bliss nor at the end when they triangulated, flaunting their new partner in your face, trying to drive you off the edge. It's no different at any time with the narc , they simply don't care about you and never ever did. No, you are never going to get any honest answers or any genuine apology from a narcissist. That narc will use any occasion of contact with you to get as much energy from you as possible. The duplicitous narc I was with, came to my place of work only after her boyfriend was at risk of being confronted by me. After months of threats on his Instagram page against me, I finally made a comment on the narc weasel's page telling him it was time for him to back up those threats. Literally less than 30 minutes after I made that comment she shows up at my place of work. That cold hearted creep then told me she would apologize and say she was sorry for what she did only after I said I was sorry first. Bear in mind that narc would have faced serious charges, possible jail time, had I pursued legal action. Yes she tells me she wasn't in her right mind when she attacked me and made those threats against me to get others involved. Yes she proclaims herself to now be back to normal and proceeds with a display of insanity that would make any psychopath proud. Oh yes she is calm, channeling the new boyfriend who taught her to control her emotions. Funny, I thought it was I who taught her to be calm and collected. Well anyway, I had already begun understanding covert narcissism and the display of duplicity that unfolded in front of me, with me being totally aware of every lie she was speaking was quite an experience on my end. I stared her straight in the eyes and almost like watching a movie, with “detached amusement” I closely observed that sick covert narc ply her trade. She fired off one lie after another with precision, one outrageous tale after another. She never flinched but I stared into those eyes and even knowing that I was seeing through her duplicity she continued lying, but then there was a tell. Her eyes began twitching when she realized I wasn't buying any of what she was saying. I wasn't the same person who would graciously take every thing she told me “on faith”. But her tenacity, her devotion to lying was unabated. She kept going. Yes her gift of “closure” to me was bald faced gaslighting in an attempt to further abuse and disorient a person who was barely holding on. She then told me never to contact her again, thinking that she had once again come out on top. The arrogance of that creep was astounding and only now, many months later, have I finally understood that this cretin's arrogance was always present throughout the relationship and throughout her life. Every story she ever told me about her experiences as a child and those road confrontations she seemed to always have, showed a consistent pattern. That of a self centered, arrogant, immature, covert narcissist that would never listen to anyone, that always had to win. After all she was a queen, superior to all of those around her. Why didn't her mother and her siblings and her step fathers ever understand that? Yes in the past as a token of love I overlooked those small lies since I soon realized it was impossible to confront her with them anyway. But her mistake was to think that she was actually convincing me. Of course she was getting away with the greater lies, the lies of making me believe she was serious about a lifetime commitment that she had made to me. Was my experience unique? I doubt it. So it becomes clear that there will be absolutely no benefit to the victim of ever seeing that narc again. There will be absolutely no straight answers given and at the end the narc will have used that encounter to heap more abuse on the victim. That is if they can get away with it. So let’s be clear, if you want to get a second dose of a narcissist and you want to think that your particular situation is different from all the others you’re more than welcome to jump into that cesspool and think that you’re going to get out spotlessly clean. It won’t happen. But for some they have to try and to those who do try I will only say one thing: guard your heart, your soul, and your mind. Give it a try and prove that your situation was different than all the others. Prove to yourself that your partner wasn’t truly a covert narcissist. If that partner wasn't a covert narc you may well come away with some closure, with some satisfaction that your ex truly was remorseful for their actions. But nothing good will ever come from an encounter with a covert narc after a period of no contact. Especially if that narc wants to resume the relationship and you are foolish enough to believe they truly loved you. That's another anecdote I could share, but not today. So does no contact benefit the narcissist? Maybe it does, but then again maybe it doesn’t. Clearly no contact benefits the narcissist after having abused and attacked a victim and the narc's true inner self becomes exposed. An aware victim is the narc's worst enemy, because facing that person means the narc now has limited abilities to gaslight. A narc will never meet someone head to head on an even playing field. That narc's bag of tricks has now been emptied of much of it's contents and they are now out in the open. Yes the narc carefully honed their feigned outrage when they were suspected of having lied or cheated, even if it was right in front of their partner. So we now understand that the narc always has to maintain their capacity for gaslighting and lying even in unimportant things. Why? Because it keeps the narc in practice and creates an environment that conditions the victim to accept the more important gaslighting and lying when it is necessary. Here are some fictional examples that I have created from my imagination that are based on experience. Yes the narc would get through with a session with their secret lover either online or in real life and have a whole list of gesturing and facial expressions pre-planned if anyone even suspected anything at all. The narc would take a liking to the mailman and then cover up the fling by calling that mailman ugly, old, and incompetent. That narcissist fool never realizing she was the talk of the town. The narc would take a liking to a stay at home dad, a lazy fool who took advantage of his baby mamma and lived off of his parent's wealth, and immediately see an opportunity that they couldn't pass up. That situation was an easy one for the narc, there was plenty of opportunity to be clandestine. The narcissist fool never realized people knew and saw, and that narc's reputation spread far and wide. Yes that is why we can call narc's cretins. Thinking themselves wise they become fools and give themselves away. Sometimes in big ways, other times by little tells that have huge significance. So of course in public she feigned hardly knowing or even disliking her secret lover. But those secret glances that the narc thought went unnoticed were keenly observed by those around them. Yes, even the responsibility of being a mother or father was shirked and taken advantage of for the narc's gain. Sad. But these are fictional examples. I could go on about the generic narc's reputation in the workforce but I will stop here. The key is to understand that the more adamant the narc is about something the more likely they are hiding something. Or at least think they are hiding something. Many husbands or wives just give up and take to the bottle or other sedatives until a feasible exit is found. We do all sorts of things for the children. Anyway, when these methods have been exposed the narc is left very vulnerable and this disorients them. Their solution is to simply refuse contact with the victim and make up a story about the victim being the abuser. That is where flying monkeys and new male knights in shining armor or female angelic saviors become essential. The narc absolutely has to build a new fantasy existence that they can once again feel comfortable in. The narc finds it impossible to live in the real world where they have no advantages over those who surround them. The narc can only exist in a world where they make the rules and they have built a false persona. So yes the narc will benefit from no contact in the short term, no doubt about it. But the implications of that quick fix will eventually fall in on them. The victim on the other hand will get the real tangible long term benefits of no contact. Most victims needed closure, needed some answers, needed to process the facts so that they could at least comprehend what went wrong, learn and not repeat the same mistake. But the narc wouldn't allow it. The reason is clear to those of us who have studied covert narcissism. The narc knew that any close scrutiny would reveal the scope of the fraud that the narc had perpetrated on their partner. So the narc left and thought themselves the winner. The victim is then left with the colossal task of finding answers on their own. That journey can take weeks, months, years and even decades if the victim is lucky enough to survive. Some don't. Sadly the narc could care less and might even consider themselves powerful for having had such a dramatic impact in another person's life. So no, the victim sees very little benefit from no contact initially, but the tables turn over time. Long term the narc loses and the victim benefits from no contact. How and why? Well the narc has a debt to pay to that victim. The narc was supposed to be like any human being and think about their actions, do some close self-examination and introspection, and feel remorse for what they did. That narc should have felt the need to make things right or at least if nothing else admit that they were wrong and make an apology. But the narc refused and pretended nothing ever happened. So that debt was never paid or even acknowledged, but even a narc, who may not have a conscience, is aware of that debt. That narc can convince themselves the debt doesn't exist but that doesn't make it so. Denial of something doesn't make it go away. So the narc goes through life incurring more and more debt and continuing their same method of burying the truth by denial. But that debt just keeps on accruing interest. In the end it becomes impossible for the narc to make amends. Too much time has passed and sadly the narc has locked themselves into a behavior pattern that they are a slave to, that they can't escape. So the narc goes deeper and deeper into the abyss, having to make more and more excuses, having to deny more and more portions of their existence, having to perpetrate ever increasing fraud on those around them. So the narc robs themselves of any genuine accomplishments or any peace or any joy. The narc does this to themselves and that no contact which seemed so enticing and a comprehensive solution to their problem was just a quick fix that got the narc into even deeper debt and trouble. So it becomes clear why covert narcissists are miserable people that deny anyone around them a genuine compliment or an ounce of respect. The narc is miserable with themselves and as life goes on they become more and more miserable. But the worst is yet to come. That is in the afterlife since no, we don't just simply cease to exist. That is a frightening prospect and many a narcissist is fully aware of it and yet they refuse to be saved from this terrible fate. The victim on the other hand has nothing but benefits from no contact. The victim does examine the situation, and do the work, and has introspection. The victim was willing to accept blame and more importantly, the victim tried desperately to at least get some resolution with their partner. The victim does benefit from no contact in so many ways. First, just eliminating the toxic environment created by the narcissist will eventually allow the victim's natural tendency to be more positive about life reinstate itself. Second, eliminating that false fantasy existence from the victim's environment eventually allows the victim to live in a world of reality, to see things clearly once again. Like a fog lifting. The victim will eventually get the answers they require and will eventually grow and learn from that experience with the narc. The victim will once again be able to generate their own inner joy and peace and find hope and even faith. Yes, all of these things take time, but the no contact allows that healing to take place. So we can view that victim a few days and weeks after the discard by a narcissist and be gravely concerned about that person. Yes that narc with their new “friend' is enjoying themselves and telling the world they were the ones who survived abuse, while the victim is unable to eat for weeks and is barely functioning. But months and years later we see a different scene. That victim has learned and become victorious. That victim has now understood what is important in a relationship and in life and that victim, whether alone or with someone, has hope for the future and has stability in the present. That victim understands the importance of being positive and eliminating toxic people from their lives. So yes long term the victim can be and should be victorious. But that requires doing the work. Understanding narcissism, totally eliminating the need for vengeance, and not even being concerned if the narc will ever pay for all that they have done. Yes the victim has moved on, just like the narc told them to do, so that the narc could enjoy that new instant boyfriend in peace. Yes the narc was well along the process of setting themselves up before that discard and only needed to feign victim status and suffering. So, keep in mind in the long term the victim is the one that reaps the benefits and the narc is the one that pays. I listened to God and followed the directions set forth in the Bible. Many will say they have no interest in the Christian perspective, but these people face a very real problem. When a person has an illness that needs to be cured the most important route to cure that patient is to find the cause of the illness and treat that. Yes, there are many quick fixes that will mask the symptoms and give some short term and even long term benefits. Yes, many people can go through life thinking they have their illness under control. But the ultimate cure for any condition is to find the actual cause of that illness and treat the actual cause, not the symptoms. The treatment is instituted and the person goes on with life medication free. Narcissism is a condition of the heart and in many ways goes into the spirit realm. It forces people to look inside themselves, it focuses people on the motivations of humans in general and it brings to light the difference between children of the light who follow God's will in their lives and the slaves of Satan, the children of darkness that are fooled by Satan into believing they are getting it all their way. Eliminating the spiritual aspects of narcissism means there will never be any comprehensive understanding of how to cure the patient. Teaching that victim how to fish and have fish for a lifetime instead of giving them a fish every day is the goal. So, if the victim has healed, the narc owes them nothing, God will repay that victim and restore everything the narcissist took and even give more. The narc doesn't owe the victim at all any more, they owe God, and the payment of that debt is in God's hands and His alone. That is the Christian point of view. Yes, it's not up to the victim to decide how the narc will pay that debt. That isn't the victim's problem and God has specifically told them to not make it their problem. God promises to take care of the narc. The narc will pay that debt, one way or another. The victim is instructed to rest easy, heal themselves and have peace. The victim is relieved of that heavy burden. So yes no contact always benefits the victim, not the covert narcissist. …...Eventually. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.
Why No Contact With a Narcissist Always Benefits the Target: The case for no contact with a narcissist. Before we even begin let’s be clear no contact is often times not initiated by the victim, but is rather used as a tool by the narcissist to walk away from a situation and avoid having to answer for all of the evil, lies, and deceit that they perpetrated upon their partner. To the victim that doesn’t get any answers from the narc after they walk away, it may seem like no contact is the worst possible thing. Yes there is no doubt that no contact from the narc is a form of abuse that benefits the narcissist, but we aren't focusing on the short term benefits to the narc and the immediate injury to the discarded victim. Instead, we are looking at the long-term implications of no contact and how no contact is ultimately very beneficial to the victim. Does the narc benefit from this long-term no contact? Possibly they do, maybe not, but the thing that we must focus on is the victim and getting them back to emotional, psychological, mental, and physical health. What we’re trying to do is make sure that the victim regains hope in their lives and restores their faith in humanity. Those are our goals. So whether the narcissist benefits or doesn’t benefit long-term from no contact is of no consequence. The narcissist has done what they’ve done, they’ve had it their way, they’ve gotten everything they wanted, and any repercussions from what they have done to their ex partner is on them and on them alone. Yes we em paths tend to care about our partners even though we were terribly attacked and abused. Any sane person with the ability to truly love another human being and commit to them simply can't just turn off that love and commitment like a light switch. Only the narc can walk away cold turkey and in doing so they give themselves away. This ability to move on and get over a relationship instantly and have another relationship is a clear giveaway that that narc never cared or loved or committed or had any loyalty. It is a clear indicator that the narc was a total fraud. Of course the warped narc will be with their new friend and then turn around and tell the abandoned partner they were the disloyal one. The sad thing is the victim will be so distraught by the whole shock of seeing their partner remove their mask and turn into a total stranger that the partner will actually buy this totally ridiculous and unfeasible statement. But with no contact the fog begins to clear and the mind starts reorganizing itself and begins once again thinking rationally, logically, and with reason.
Once the mind is functioning and thinking clearly and the victim has done their homework and learned about covert narcissism they can begin the long, convoluted journey of discovering and comprehending what happened to them. It is essential to understand those experiences with the narc for what they were in actuality, in reality. At the time the victim had those experiences they were being interpreted in the context of the fantasy existence the narc had created and not the real world. Yes, that whole experience with the narcissist from the very first moment that creep entered their lives to D day, the day of discard and abrupt no contact is now slowly disassembled into its component parts and each part re evaluated with the knowledge gained about covert narcissism. New revelations occur daily as memories of the past are triggered by things the victim encounters as they go about their daily lives. In the beginning those memories cause acute and intense episodes of emotional pain. That emotional pain can range from a sense of dread, a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness to intense anxiety, to deep rage as the duplicity, deceit, lack of honesty, and malevolent treachery of the narc now comes clearly into focus. Some of these triggered intense emotional episodes can bring that victim to their knees, paralyze them mentally and emotionally and for that reason are rightfully called PTSD. But the victim takes each of these episodes of PTSD and uses that pain to focus their attention and work out what is going on, gaining insight into what misconceptions are causing these totally irrational feelings. One by one these episodes are confronted, like a bull is taken by the horns, and analyzed. Over the course of many months the PTSD subsides and the importance of the narc in that victim's life fades. The victim begins to understand that the narc is an irrational human being that never had any real reason to treat them as badly as they did. Slowly the victim gets themselves off the hook and realizes that the narc's opinion of them, the idealized fake opinion in the beginning and the fake devaluation at the end, were all pure fabrications and that makes the narc's opinion irrelevant. Yes, the victim's greatest mistake was respecting that narcissist. The narc's opinion was certainly never worthy of being respected, but sadly you come to the conclusion that even the narc themselves isn't worthy of any respect at all. Of course you still respect them, that is what a decent human being does, they respect all people, but certainly that narc will never again be trusted. Certainly that narc will never be believed again. Of course any narc knows that once they have been found out it's game over. No narc can live in an environment where their cover has been blown. So much easier for the narc to find a fresh supply of naive people that have never heard of covert narcissism. So yes time gives clarity and resolution and meaningful, important, and healing answers to the victim. Those answers come from research and daily work. So the victim reevaluates and begins to understand the truth of that interaction with the narcissist. Yes the victim now understands the reality of every gesture of kindness, every faux display of concern, or empathy, or love. The victim understands those were never real anyway, just gesticulations and signaling of genuine emotions that the narc learned to fake so that they could get an emotional response and extract energy from their victim. Yes the victim thinks back and realizes they had a sixth sense, a feeling that something was “off” about everything the narc did, but somehow that intuition was neutralized. The victim thinks back on the numerous half truths and white lies and now clearly sees that they were only a small indication of the true depth of that narc's duplicity. After enough time pondering that ridiculous time with the narcissist, sifting through memories and comprehending them for what they were, not what they appeared to be, the victim can slowly begin to understand the depth of the sham or confidence scheme that was perpetrated upon them. Working on the resulting rage that comes from the revelations is essential. With each success in giving that rage to God, room is made for more, even starker revelations to be comprehended. We then get to the question of is there any benefit whatsoever, after a period of no contact, of having a frank an open discussion with a narcissist to try to get some real closure. The answer to that question is no, not if that person you were with is a true covert narcissist. Now in the past I would have told you that every narc is different, that narcissism is on a spectrum and that no two relationships are the same. All of that may be true, but a true covert narcissist, no matter what portion of the spectrum they are on, will never do anything for another person's benefit. If that narc has any reasons to re-initiate contact with you it will be for solely selfish reasons. We have to remember that the narc doesn't care about you at all. The narc never did. Not at the height of your relational bliss nor at the end when they triangulated, flaunting their new partner in your face, trying to drive you off the edge. It's no different at any time with the narc , they simply don't care about you and never ever did. No, you are never going to get any honest answers or any genuine apology from a narcissist. That narc will use any occasion of contact with you to get as much energy from you as possible. The duplicitous narc I was with, came to my place of work only after her boyfriend was at risk of being confronted by me. After months of threats on his Instagram page against me, I finally made a comment on the narc weasel's page telling him it was time for him to back up those threats. Literally less than 30 minutes after I made that comment she shows up at my place of work. That cold hearted creep then told me she would apologize and say she was sorry for what she did only after I said I was sorry first. Bear in mind that narc would have faced serious charges, possible jail time, had I pursued legal action. Yes she tells me she wasn't in her right mind when she attacked me and made those threats against me to get others involved. Yes she proclaims herself to now be back to normal and proceeds with a display of insanity that would make any psychopath proud. Oh yes she is calm, channeling the new boyfriend who taught her to control her emotions. Funny, I thought it was I who taught her to be calm and collected. Well anyway, I had already begun understanding covert narcissism and the display of duplicity that unfolded in front of me, with me being totally aware of every lie she was speaking was quite an experience on my end. I stared her straight in the eyes and almost like watching a movie, with “detached amusement” I closely observed that sick covert narc ply her trade. She fired off one lie after another with precision, one outrageous tale after another. She never flinched but I stared into those eyes and even knowing that I was seeing through her duplicity she continued lying, but then there was a tell. Her eyes began twitching when she realized I wasn't buying any of what she was saying. I wasn't the same person who would graciously take every thing she told me “on faith”. But her tenacity, her devotion to lying was unabated. She kept going. Yes her gift of “closure” to me was bald faced gaslighting in an attempt to further abuse and disorient a person who was barely holding on. She then told me never to contact her again, thinking that she had once again come out on top. The arrogance of that creep was astounding and only now, many months later, have I finally understood that this cretin's arrogance was always present throughout the relationship and throughout her life. Every story she ever told me about her experiences as a child and those road confrontations she seemed to always have, showed a consistent pattern. That of a self centered, arrogant, immature, covert narcissist that would never listen to anyone, that always had to win. After all she was a queen, superior to all of those around her. Why didn't her mother and her siblings and her step fathers ever understand that? Yes in the past as a token of love I overlooked those small lies since I soon realized it was impossible to confront her with them anyway. But her mistake was to think that she was actually convincing me. Of course she was getting away with the greater lies, the lies of making me believe she was serious about a lifetime commitment that she had made to me. Was my experience unique? I doubt it. So it becomes clear that there will be absolutely no benefit to the victim of ever seeing that narc again. There will be absolutely no straight answers given and at the end the narc will have used that encounter to heap more abuse on the victim. That is if they can get away with it. So let’s be clear, if you want to get a second dose of a narcissist and you want to think that your particular situation is different from all the others you’re more than welcome to jump into that cesspool and think that you’re going to get out spotlessly clean. It won’t happen. But for some they have to try and to those who do try I will only say one thing: guard your heart, your soul, and your mind. Give it a try and prove that your situation was different than all the others. Prove to yourself that your partner wasn’t truly a covert narcissist. If that partner wasn't a covert narc you may well come away with some closure, with some satisfaction that your ex truly was remorseful for their actions. But nothing good will ever come from an encounter with a covert narc after a period of no contact. Especially if that narc wants to resume the relationship and you are foolish enough to believe they truly loved you. That's another anecdote I could share, but not today. So does no contact benefit the narcissist? Maybe it does, but then again maybe it doesn’t. Clearly no contact benefits the narcissist after having abused and attacked a victim and the narc's true inner self becomes exposed. An aware victim is the narc's worst enemy, because facing that person means the narc now has limited abilities to gaslight. A narc will never meet someone head to head on an even playing field. That narc's bag of tricks has now been emptied of much of it's contents and they are now out in the open. Yes the narc carefully honed their feigned outrage when they were suspected of having lied or cheated, even if it was right in front of their partner. So we now understand that the narc always has to maintain their capacity for gaslighting and lying even in unimportant things. Why? Because it keeps the narc in practice and creates an environment that conditions the victim to accept the more important gaslighting and lying when it is necessary. Here are some fictional examples that I have created from my imagination that are based on experience. Yes the narc would get through with a session with their secret lover either online or in real life and have a whole list of gesturing and facial expressions pre-planned if anyone even suspected anything at all. The narc would take a liking to the mailman and then cover up the fling by calling that mailman ugly, old, and incompetent. That narcissist fool never realizing she was the talk of the town. The narc would take a liking to a stay at home dad, a lazy fool who took advantage of his baby mamma and lived off of his parent's wealth, and immediately see an opportunity that they couldn't pass up. That situation was an easy one for the narc, there was plenty of opportunity to be clandestine. The narcissist fool never realized people knew and saw, and that narc's reputation spread far and wide. Yes that is why we can call narc's cretins. Thinking themselves wise they become fools and give themselves away. Sometimes in big ways, other times by little tells that have huge significance. So of course in public she feigned hardly knowing or even disliking her secret lover. But those secret glances that the narc thought went unnoticed were keenly observed by those around them. Yes, even the responsibility of being a mother or father was shirked and taken advantage of for the narc's gain. Sad. But these are fictional examples. I could go on about the generic narc's reputation in the workforce but I will stop here. The key is to understand that the more adamant the narc is about something the more likely they are hiding something. Or at least think they are hiding something. Many husbands or wives just give up and take to the bottle or other sedatives until a feasible exit is found. We do all sorts of things for the children. Anyway, when these methods have been exposed the narc is left very vulnerable and this disorients them. Their solution is to simply refuse contact with the victim and make up a story about the victim being the abuser. That is where flying monkeys and new male knights in shining armor or female angelic saviors become essential. The narc absolutely has to build a new fantasy existence that they can once again feel comfortable in. The narc finds it impossible to live in the real world where they have no advantages over those who surround them. The narc can only exist in a world where they make the rules and they have built a false persona. So yes the narc will benefit from no contact in the short term, no doubt about it. But the implications of that quick fix will eventually fall in on them. The victim on the other hand will get the real tangible long term benefits of no contact. Most victims needed closure, needed some answers, needed to process the facts so that they could at least comprehend what went wrong, learn and not repeat the same mistake. But the narc wouldn't allow it. The reason is clear to those of us who have studied covert narcissism. The narc knew that any close scrutiny would reveal the scope of the fraud that the narc had perpetrated on their partner. So the narc left and thought themselves the winner. The victim is then left with the colossal task of finding answers on their own. That journey can take weeks, months, years and even decades if the victim is lucky enough to survive. Some don't. Sadly the narc could care less and might even consider themselves powerful for having had such a dramatic impact in another person's life. So no, the victim sees very little benefit from no contact initially, but the tables turn over time. Long term the narc loses and the victim benefits from no contact. How and why? Well the narc has a debt to pay to that victim. The narc was supposed to be like any human being and think about their actions, do some close self-examination and introspection, and feel remorse for what they did. That narc should have felt the need to make things right or at least if nothing else admit that they were wrong and make an apology. But the narc refused and pretended nothing ever happened. So that debt was never paid or even acknowledged, but even a narc, who may not have a conscience, is aware of that debt. That narc can convince themselves the debt doesn't exist but that doesn't make it so. Denial of something doesn't make it go away. So the narc goes through life incurring more and more debt and continuing their same method of burying the truth by denial. But that debt just keeps on accruing interest. In the end it becomes impossible for the narc to make amends. Too much time has passed and sadly the narc has locked themselves into a behavior pattern that they are a slave to, that they can't escape. So the narc goes deeper and deeper into the abyss, having to make more and more excuses, having to deny more and more portions of their existence, having to perpetrate ever increasing fraud on those around them. So the narc robs themselves of any genuine accomplishments or any peace or any joy. The narc does this to themselves and that no contact which seemed so enticing and a comprehensive solution to their problem was just a quick fix that got the narc into even deeper debt and trouble. So it becomes clear why covert narcissists are miserable people that deny anyone around them a genuine compliment or an ounce of respect. The narc is miserable with themselves and as life goes on they become more and more miserable. But the worst is yet to come. That is in the afterlife since no, we don't just simply cease to exist. That is a frightening prospect and many a narcissist is fully aware of it and yet they refuse to be saved from this terrible fate. The victim on the other hand has nothing but benefits from no contact. The victim does examine the situation, and do the work, and has introspection. The victim was willing to accept blame and more importantly, the victim tried desperately to at least get some resolution with their partner. The victim does benefit from no contact in so many ways. First, just eliminating the toxic environment created by the narcissist will eventually allow the victim's natural tendency to be more positive about life reinstate itself. Second, eliminating that false fantasy existence from the victim's environment eventually allows the victim to live in a world of reality, to see things clearly once again. Like a fog lifting. The victim will eventually get the answers they require and will eventually grow and learn from that experience with the narc. The victim will once again be able to generate their own inner joy and peace and find hope and even faith. Yes, all of these things take time, but the no contact allows that healing to take place. So we can view that victim a few days and weeks after the discard by a narcissist and be gravely concerned about that person. Yes that narc with their new “friend' is enjoying themselves and telling the world they were the ones who survived abuse, while the victim is unable to eat for weeks and is barely functioning. But months and years later we see a different scene. That victim has learned and become victorious. That victim has now understood what is important in a relationship and in life and that victim, whether alone or with someone, has hope for the future and has stability in the present. That victim understands the importance of being positive and eliminating toxic people from their lives. So yes long term the victim can be and should be victorious. But that requires doing the work. Understanding narcissism, totally eliminating the need for vengeance, and not even being concerned if the narc will ever pay for all that they have done. Yes the victim has moved on, just like the narc told them to do, so that the narc could enjoy that new instant boyfriend in peace. Yes the narc was well along the process of setting themselves up before that discard and only needed to feign victim status and suffering. So, keep in mind in the long term the victim is the one that reaps the benefits and the narc is the one that pays. I listened to God and followed the directions set forth in the Bible. Many will say they have no interest in the Christian perspective, but these people face a very real problem. When a person has an illness that needs to be cured the most important route to cure that patient is to find the cause of the illness and treat that. Yes, there are many quick fixes that will mask the symptoms and give some short term and even long term benefits. Yes, many people can go through life thinking they have their illness under control. But the ultimate cure for any condition is to find the actual cause of that illness and treat the actual cause, not the symptoms. The treatment is instituted and the person goes on with life medication free. Narcissism is a condition of the heart and in many ways goes into the spirit realm. It forces people to look inside themselves, it focuses people on the motivations of humans in general and it brings to light the difference between children of the light who follow God's will in their lives and the slaves of Satan, the children of darkness that are fooled by Satan into believing they are getting it all their way. Eliminating the spiritual aspects of narcissism means there will never be any comprehensive understanding of how to cure the patient. Teaching that victim how to fish and have fish for a lifetime instead of giving them a fish every day is the goal. So, if the victim has healed, the narc owes them nothing, God will repay that victim and restore everything the narcissist took and even give more. The narc doesn't owe the victim at all any more, they owe God, and the payment of that debt is in God's hands and His alone. That is the Christian point of view. Yes, it's not up to the victim to decide how the narc will pay that debt. That isn't the victim's problem and God has specifically told them to not make it their problem. God promises to take care of the narc. The narc will pay that debt, one way or another. The victim is instructed to rest easy, heal themselves and have peace. The victim is relieved of that heavy burden. So yes no contact always benefits the victim, not the covert narcissist. …...Eventually. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Tragedy of Covert Narcissism: We all know about narcissism because it’s widespread in the modern popular culture that we encounter in our every day lives. Yes narcissism is considered normal and possibly even a desirable trait. Some people actually admire the brash swagger and haughty glance of a narcissist told by society that they are special. Many of these pop icons are anything but special. They are in fact oftentimes the bottom of the barrel of society with no real abilities or accomplishments to speak of. But they are famous and to the superficial of the world that is enough. So is it any wonder that the average person thinks it appropriate to emulate these narcissists. Yes in our society the more you think of yourself the more value you have. It seems that in the past few decades parents have been in a mad rush to give their children just a slight edge over their peers by pumping their own children full of self esteem. Yes these children are praised into the heavens regardless of their accomplishments and the resulting over-inflated ego and sense of self is not a pretty sight. At least to those of us who are sane enough to realize the value of humility and accurate self assessment. This is the narcissism people are aware of, the overt type, the type many of us think is the only type until the day we encounter the serpent in human flesh called a covert narcissist. Yes the overt narcissist is aware of their narcissism and everyone they come in contact with is aware of it as well. You take these overt narcs or leave them but at least there is no question about what you are dealing with. Covert narcissism may share the label of narcissism, but it is an altogether different condition of the heart and soul. Covert narcissism is a malignancy, a pathology that destroys every person that has the misfortune of coming in contact with it. It is the evil twin of overt narcissism. Overt narcissism is out in the open, covert narcissism is by it's very nature, undetectable to the outside observer and possibly the covert narc isn't even fully aware of the scope of their own condition. Many a covert narc considers themselves noble and righteous and just thinks it fully acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, deceive people, and to pretty much do whatever they please and can get away with. Somehow the covert narc never sees any of these obviously wrong and evil actions as a problem. The covert narc at their core has an attitude problem, a soul that is profoundly diseased and because of this somehow believes they are entitled to be evil. The covert narc is a warped dis integrated individual full of contradictions that can't be explained rationally because the covert narc themselves is irrational. How can you even begin to understand or explain to someone that a narc thinks of themselves as superior to everyone and has totally convinced themselves of that and yet that self same narcissist doesn’t feel that they themselves have any intrinsic value. Yes paradoxically, the covert narcissist felt inferior, inadequate from as early as they can remember. Their way of coping with that was to convince the world and also themselves that they were more than what they were, different than what they were. Yes the narc felt that dealing with the reality of their true inner self was too painful and too complicated. The narc's attitude or method of coping was to develop an alter ego that would protect them from their difficulties in the real world and take them away from the actual person that they were. So if they were being emotionally abused by their parents or neglected, etc. that abuse or neglect was directed to an “other” and that allowed the narc even as a child to avoid any shame by disconnecting themselves from their real persona. So yes, the narc would be different. Different on the outside than they were on their inside. Usually that meant more intelligent, richer, more accomplished, but most importantly different. Yes even as a young child the narc never felt their inner self was good enough. You could say the narc felt that they were always “better than themselves”. Even from a very early age the narc began that cycle of deceptiveness to the outside world and to themselves, because deep inside the narc felt deficient, not good enough. So as the narc progressed through life they fulfilled their own prophecy,: they were deficient and not good enough. Yes, towards the middle and latter half of the narcissist's life they are exactly what they predicted they would be: a hollow shell with nothing inside of it at all and only a tenuous fake facade that needs careful maintenance so that no one can ever look behind it. At the core of that facade is a creature that never grew up and became more and more jaded as the years went by. How could such a tragedy occur? Because the narc never gave their real self a chance. A chance to develop, to grow, to learn from mistakes. It was so much easier for the narc to pretend than to do the work. Sadly, the narc had betrayed their own inner self, had not even shown loyalty to their own self. Yes, the narc divorced themselves from their own inner persona. So is it any wonder that after years and decades of putting on this show and betraying themselves that the narc has no ability to be truly loyal or commit to anyone?

With the em path or the narc abuse victim, there’s a similar problem with self-evaluation. They also feel they have no intrinsic value and therefore they see nothing wrong with being downgraded by those that they love around them. They see no problems with other people in their environment asserting their superiority over them. Yes, others around them are given every right to take away their accomplishments and their sense of self esteem. Others around them have every right to consider themselves superior to the em path or codependent. So this leads right into the theme of the difference between self-esteem and the more popular notion of self love. There is a very key difference. Self esteem means correctly estimating your abilities to do anything and correctly assessing your knowledge across a broad gamut of topics. Not assessing yourself to be less than what you’re capable of doing or knowing less than you know and not assessing yourself to be more capable than your actual abilities of what you can do or knowing more than you actually know. The third and possibly most important aspect of self-esteem is correctly assessing your self in relationship to others, being able to see that you are more accomplished than others in some areas and less accomplished or able in other areas. Yes, when you clearly see your own self more accurately, you can begin to understand the complexity of the human condition. Things aren't black and white, but instead each person no matter what walk of life they come from, has been given their own gifts. Again, the Bible spends a great deal of time discussing that each person has value in and of themselves and they should embrace both their own strengths and weaknesses. The Bible gives the analogy of believers in Christ being one body with each person being a member of that body with his or her own function, some people being feet and others hands, others eyes or ears. Each member of the body of Christ having their own purpose as described in 1 Corinthians 12 for example verse 17 and 18 “17 If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18 But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.” Each person has been born with their own set of gifts and abilities and needs to embrace those abilities and use them in order to fully reach their true potential. This is the core of what makes the narc dysfunctional. The narc never realizes their own potential because they literally refuse to accept themselves for what they are or accurately assess their own capabilities. The narc runs away from their real self instead of embracing who and what they are. So this is a far better way to look at narcissism than to broach upon the subject of self-love. The Bible knows that each person intuitively has their own love of self. That is something that the Bible does not want us to cultivate. On the contrary, the Bible wants us to be less focused on the self and our own will and our own accomplishments and instead we should look at our value simply as how useful we can be to God in fulfilling His purposes through our lives. So a person's true value or assessment of themselves or self-esteem should be based on and really lies in how close we are to doing God's will in our lives. This removes our focus on ourselves. Yes the purpose of every person's life, if it is fully realized, is to glorify God. Anything that we do for our own self image and our own sense of accomplishment is robbing or taking away from that ideal purpose. We should look at our abilities not by what we personally can do but what we can do through God as His tool. To do this we need to fully realize and embrace the abilities or gifts that we were born with, that God gave us. If we allow ourselves to be used as God's tools we will realize our full value and have an accurate sense of our own value or self esteem. Both the narc and the em path have a self esteem problem and that is what creates Ross Rosenberg's aptly named “Human Magnet Syndrome”. The narc is so disconnected and divorced from their own core being and has neglected that being so that it remains an emotional infant. The narc simply refused to grow. So the narc got into the pattern of having to overestimate themselves at all times. The em path on the other hand simply grew up getting into the pattern of downgrading themselves and underestimating their abilities. The em path somehow was conditioned to believe it was noble and correct to let others take away any accomplishment, anything that they had or did. The em path felt it was totally OK to be denigrated and treated badly. The em path almost felt it was their purpose to be another person's doormat. Yes the narc copes by convincing themselves they are superior and the em path convinces themselves they were put on this earth to be another person's emotional enabler. The em path sees the energy that is being drained from them as giving love to another person. It never occurs to the em path that they should be concerned about any needs of their own. That would be selfish and wrong in the em path's opinion. The empath never sees the irony, that they actually feel it is quite alright for another person to be selfish. Yes the empath feels they are serving their intended purpose by allowing others that selfishness. Yes the narc agrees the empath was made to give it all to the narc. Now this human magnet syndrome might seem to be a workable situation, a symbiotic relationship, and maybe it could be if the narc had any ability to love and be concerned about another human being. Unfortunately, the narc doesn't have any empathy, commitment, or loyalty and that is when this situation takes an evil turn. That is what makes the narc the evil and rightfully maligned creature that they are, because the narc left their partner and simply used them for everything that they could get. So yes, that is the key difference in this dysfunctional “dance of death” or death spiral, it leaves one person as a victim. The key is for the em path to see and perceive what is going on and learn that they need to change. The em path has that ability, although it will be very difficult for them. The dysfunction of the narc on the other hand is so deeply ingrained and the damage the narc has done to themselves by neglecting personal development for literally a lifetime means that the narc is almost irredeemable or un reformable. Yes genetics and environment all play a role in the narc's twisted malevolence, but let's make no mistake, the narc also made choices. Choices to be evil, choices to turn a blind eye to another person's suffering, choices to lie and be duplicitous, choices to be a fraud. Yes ultimately the narc is a living breathing human being imbued with a mind that can think and the ability to see the difference between right and wrong and the narc has chosen to continue doing what they do. That is the tragedy of narcissism, certainly for the victim but also for the narcissist. Yes the narc viewed that relationship as a game and whatever we may say about the em path, the lion's share of the problem lies with the narcissist. Why? Yes that em path may have been an enabler, but here is the key difference. The em path was committed to the narc, they did love, they did care, and they were genuine. The em path was looking at things from a long term, lifetime perspective and although they may have overlooked the narcs deficiencies and may have even enabled them the em path had a long term goal and that was to help that narcissist become the person they knew that narc could be. So no there is NO equivalence whatsoever when it comes to the narc and the em path. The narc is the perpetrator plain and simple, The em path is the victim. It is the em path's responsibility to learn and be a victim no more. Now let's resume with our analysis of what creates a narcissist and take things a bit further. Yes that young narcissist has gotten into the habit of creating a false persona and masking their true inner self. They’ve taken the easy way out of every situation that they’ve ever been in and yet they somehow feel cheated and they somehow sense that their fake bravado and fake pronouncements of great accomplishment are all just delusions. Yes, on the inside the narcs know this. So the narcs look around them selves and become very envious when they see that there are genuine people that have legitimate accomplishments and this creates a great deal of envy in the narc. The narc's way of dealing with this is to tear those people with legitimate lives, legitimate personas, and legitimate accomplishments down. Let’s now break down what we’ve found out so far about narcissists. Number one, they set up a fake persona that protects them from whatever their real self is suffering or is unable to accomplish. Number two, they subconsciously sense their own inferiority and phoniness and seeing that others around them are the genuine article they become envious of those people. Three, the narc's way of coping with their subconscious understanding of their own inferiority and phoniness is to tear down those around them that have genuine accomplishments and to build up in themselves a sense of superiority. Yes the narc must be superior to everyone. But then the narc encounters another problem: they have to live in the real world. So in order to continue believing in their own superiority the narc creates a fantasy world for themselves, a fantasy world in which they are imbued with great abilities and accomplishments and where everyone around them is far less than they are. In order to construct and maintain this fantasy existence and maintain a position of superiority over others the narc needs to use every tool at their disposal. Those tools are One: lying, cultivating lying and being better at lying than anyone else around them. Two: Cultivating gaslighting so that they can disorient everyone around them and be the only one that knows the truth. Three: Insulating themselves from any real vulnerability to another person by not having any significant attachments to another human being. The roadblocks in the narc's path such as conscience, clear thinking, looking at themselves and their environment objectively, will have to be demolished. The narc's lack of attachment causes them to isolate themselves, put themselves into a bubble, literally prevents them from having any deep and emotionally satisfying interactions with other human beings. That emotional detachment also causes the narc to see people as mere objects or utilities or appliances in their environment. The narc truly becomes a very self-centered individual. Their sole concern is for themselves and for themselves alone. The narc will convince themselves that their own selfishness is an absolute necessity and what does it matter anyway since those around them have no value compared to the narc themselves. So the narc lives in a world of one. It’s a lonely world and an empty world, a world without substance or energy. Without deep attachment to other people the narc trades any vulnerability for a far greater problem. The narc has no ability to generate any positive emotions or have any self-created energy so in an ironic twist the narc, whose goal was to have no dependence on any other human being and to be totally self-sufficient and independent is actually the most dependent human being on earth. The covert narc cannot survive without the energy and fuel that they obtain from others. Yes the narc never understands the strength and courage it takes to make yourself vulnerable. The narc never sees their emotional detachment for what it really is, cowardice and to put it in the narc's terms inferiority and weakness. So that is the narcissists story. The victim's story is a very different one, because the very nature of a narcissist and their interaction with someone they call their partner creates the most incredible pain that a person could suffer in a relationship. The narcissist persists until that partner of theirs is 100% convinced the narc is serious, is 100% convinced the narc is committed. Once the narc has fully engaged their victim and gotten everything they want they simply walk away with no concern whatsoever about the pain that they cause. Then some of these narcissists go one step further and actually enjoy inflicting additional pain and suffering upon their ex partners. So yes, the victim of a narcissist is placed, through no fault of their own, into a very bizarre scenario. That victim of the covert narc needs to face a situation where they have deep love and concern about someone and that very same person has now become a stranger that has nothing but malevolent intentions towards them. The greatest slap in the face of all is the fact that the evil narc uses all of the confidences shared with them, all of the trust, all of the good wishes and kind actions directed towards them and uses those gestures of love against the victim. How can any person understand the level of depravity and lack of appreciation that can drive someone to cause as much pain as possible to the person who gave it all to the narc and never had anything but love for that narc. The evil that would actually take the good gifts given them and weaponize them. That is a covert narcissist and their method of operation. That is why no disparaging metaphor or statement about a narc can ever be too harsh. So does it require any additional explanation as to why covert narcissism is a tragedy? It is clearly a tragedy for the victim. The victim may look back on that narc encounter and see that it made them stronger, but for many victims that isn't the case. Some people are left scarred for life so the question is what was the significance of the narc in the victim's life? That narc encounter was a pause, a roadblock, a shock to the victim's system. That narc was a challenge, a mountain to climb and to some victims they can never see themselves ever getting to that summit and looking out at the bright horizon behind that lofty and intimidating peak. For me it was a challenge I could have never met without doing it with God's help and with His strength. I have not yet reached that mountaintop and I have no idea what I will find on the other side, but I have no doubt that it will be far superior to the desolation I have put behind me. That stark, emotionless, fake, phony world of a narcissist relationship. So what was the purpose for the victim to be in the narc's life? We can only speculate, but I will attempt to make a guess. The narc was given a chance for love, for understanding, for compassion. The narc was given a chance to heal and find peace. The narc was given everything a person should ever want and expect from life and that narc warped all of that good and threw it away like worthless garbage. So what was the victim's purpose for the narcissist? Each victim is another nail in the narc's coffin. Another reason that the narc has no excuse for being as evil as they were. Does the narc really believe they were never understood, never had love, never got a chance? Maybe. But the string of victims in that narc's wake tells a very different story. A story that narc will never be able to escape. So yes, in the end covert narcissism will be a tragedy for the narcissist themselves as well. But there will be no tears of sympathy for that creature as it's life unfurls around it, fully displayed with no ability to cover anything up, and like an anchor pulls it into the abyss. The lake of fire. A place of no return. Any narc alive may still have a chance, but it is only a matter of time before they get to the point of no return. Jesus can help, can save, but the vast majority of narcs won't have Him. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.