The Covert Narcissist Discard: the Devil is in the Details Time and time again full blown narcs and uninformed people decide they are qualified to have an opinion, look at a narcopathic relationship and decide that the target was simply dumped, is disgruntled about it and can’t let go. Yes they can’t move on, and somehow need to weave tales of abuse to maintain the connection with their former partner. The person drawing those conclusions might be forgiven for having that opinion, because the condition of covert narcissism is quite a bizarre and unbelievable trait. Many people can't imagine that a person such as the covert narcissist actually exists, so they somehow think that the victims of these covert creeps are making up stories.

It should be noted that many of the people caught in a narcopath's web have had previous relationships that ended amicably without drama. But somehow an outsider has an opinion on something they know nothing of and blame the victim. Yes, somehow it's the victim's fault that they were cruelly discarded. So we stopped trying to explain ourselves to these people long ago. We bid these fools farewell, sure whatever they want to think. Let them have a good day. Of course these people are in error, but wasting energy on trying to educate someone who doesn't want to learn, who wants to be proud of their own wisdom is wasted effort. We hope these people are young and just beginning to mature. Maturity will humble them and show them that opinions are arrived at carefully, by having the facts, discerning the truth and carefully making the best judgment possible. Opinions aren't set in stone and most importantly are subject to change when better information comes along. So how can someone present an authoritative opinion when they don't have the slightest idea of what actually went on in that warped relationship that was fabricated and counterfeited by a covert narcissist? A con job perpetrated by a covert narcissist specifically tailored to deceive the target into believing that they were actually in a genuine relationship. It’s obvious that a prideful, arrogant, self deluded narcopath would believe it’s their own greatness, their own unique magnificence that can never be repeated in the victim's life again that causes that previous partner to be unable to move on. The reality is something very different.
The fact is that target was victimized from day one. They were used, abused, lied to, and cheated out of any genuine show of positive intention or emotion by the narcopath. Later that target was even more victimized, cheated even more intensely, cheated on, and every form of disloyalty and treachery imaginable was perpetrated upon them. Much of this went unnoticed by the target at the time. But the truth later revealed itself in a shocking way. Yes, the sick narcopath was playing games, seeing how far they could take it. Yes, that victim may have been naive and unaware of what was going on, but once that narc was done with them and decided it was time to discard, they tore off that mask and allowed the shocking reality of what was going on in that victim's life to show itself without any camouflage. So how on earth is someone who has just had their whole world, self image, self confidence, and very environment torn to shreds, blown up, to simply shrug their shoulders and move on? That seems ludicrous. Remember, that target invested their lifeblood and soul into that narcopath and the relationship. That person's whole future and all of their present was entirely focused on that narcopath. So why would anyone be so foolish to place all of their trust into someone with a history of questionable behavior? Well the narc specifically wanted it that way. That narcissist accepted nothing less than full loyalty and full vulnerability. So I will give a real life example to prove the point. Has this same thing happened to others? Yes it has, but the details will be different and the circumstances that lead to a person making themselves vulnerable will also be distinct. The point to be made is that the narcopath purposefully makes the target devote themselves and be loyal to them. The purpose of this is to be able to manipulate and control that person. Those people who set boundaries are sometimes considered to be a challenge to the narcopath, so that narc doubles down to make sure they eventually get the upper hand. The narc needs to be in control at all costs and they will say and do anything to get another person to do their bidding. So they play their mind games. Well the narc I was with ended the relationship three times. The first two times I told her that was OK and I thought we should make a clean break. The narc then came back and said she had changed her mind. The third time she actually left, became less available while still telling me she wanted to keep the relationship. Her increasingly distant and cold blooded demeanor told me that she was no longer interested despite the words coming out of her mouth and I ended it after a month of obvious posturing. There were two months of no contact, not a word exchanged between us. I called her at the two month mark and asked if she was happy. I genuinely cared and hoped that she had found what apparently I couldn't offer. A future that apparently I couldn't give her. Well her response was no, she wasn't happy and she wanted to resume the relationship. But I had discarded her according to her take. I did some soul searching and thought to myself that maybe I wasn't really loving this woman at all since I had put up walls of protection around myself. Maybe I hadn't given this woman everything and that was why she wanted to leave. Yes, the questionable behavior of this person did make me wary and it meant that I was prepared for anything, including her departure at any time. But maybe that was the problem, maybe I hadn't really loved her or anyone at all. So I promised her I would never say goodbye to her again. I took the step of making myself one hundred percent vulnerable in a show of trust and commitment. Did I know that covert narcissism existed at the time? No, and in my pride and self confidence of thinking that I was well versed in psychology and human nature I had no idea whatsoever that I was about to get into a den with a viper in war mode. Yes that narcopath was going to teach me a lesson for having the audacity to end it. At least that is my take. So the relationship resumed but that narc was increasingly distant, citing the changes of menopause as the reason for her being a beast three weeks out of every month. The Instagram use was becoming more and more prevalent. The demands were ratcheting up week after week. The wild ideas that I didn't have the heart to challenge because I didn't want to steal her dreams, were getting out of control. Then the tattoo that we never even discussed. This person was becoming more and more unstable from the moment of that reunion and I was clamoring to try to figure out how to handle things, how to get a grip on the situation. The disloyalty of this person was becoming more and more obvious while at the same time they were accusing me of being disloyal. Then the prioritization of near strangers above very important moments in our relationship. Then came the ultimatum to fire a loyal employee of 14 years and that was enough. No I wouldn't be doing that and a compromise was found. I was trying to understand what was happening and in a passionate conversation I made a firm point and that narcopath went into what I could only characterize as a psychotic break. She became glassy eyed and threatened to cut me with a knife. Was that episode real or an act? I still have no idea. I tried to make sense of it and the nearest answer I came up with was abuse from someone when she was a child. The following day she told me she spoke to some people and the next time I threatened her (her characterization, not mine) she would be calm. I asked her who she had been speaking to, maybe someone on Instagram and she smirked with her comeback. No she implied she was getting advice from professionals. This person was falling to pieces in front of me and I was desperately trying to figure out what to do, how to make things right. But as bad as things were I still believed in her chastity, her faithfulness to me in mind and body. Never once did I imagine she would ever contemplate being with another man. Yes, I was clueless and confused. Then came the discard. Done in the shadiest, cruelest, most impactful way possible. Yes, the creep told me she loved me and made me relax and believe finally everything was OK, that things would get back to normal again. Then the very next contact she told me she wanted to end it. But that was far from all. The next few days she was impossible to reach and then came the final day. The day she decided to make a play for and flirt with a man right in front of me. I was so shocked and in disbelief I walked away and took a few brief moments to cry in private, but I pulled myself together. That demon was incessant in her heartless description of how we would split up and how things would be arranged. Well since she was concerned about aggression, I purposely kept my distance and screamed at her to stop with the plans. When was she leaving is all I wanted to know. I was still hoping to salvage the relationship and I wanted her to know that this was as bad as things would ever get. She just kept going on about her departure. Well after screaming at her louder and louder asking when she would leave she finally stopped talking. Moments later, she walked out of the door. That could have been it. She had her freedom. I called her two days later and tried to smooth things over but she was having none of it. Well the impact of this situation was overwhelming and I confided the story with a friend. Apparently the story I told was so unbelievable that the friend asked the narc what really happened. The next day that narcissist is waiting in the parking lot at my place of work and bizarrely parks her car in front of mine, blocking it. I am overjoyed to see her and tell her I was praying for this. Well she struts behind me and as we walk in the door she tells me to lock the door. She then tells me to sit down and questions me as to what exactly I said she did, then marches me to the office area and begins trashing the office. She pulls a butterfly knife out of her Bear Claw boots and begins threatening me because I placed her daughter in danger. She tells me that the friend had threatened her and her daughter and tells me she had family that was going to be taking care of me and surveilling my every move and all of my internet activity. She tells me she is putting a law suit against me and will take everything that I have, She then proceeds to punch me as hard as she can dozens of times followed by choking me to the point of causing scars. I allow all of it because I believed I deserved it. That I had committed a grievous act against her. Well, after the shock of it all subsided I realized that I had just been assaulted and called her. I told her I would be calling the police. Well she came back and did her best to straighten out the office then told me that all she wanted in return was that one day she would be asking me for a favor to repay her for the kindness she was showing me. Yes I am not lying and in the ridiculous emotional turmoil created surrounding those events anything seemed plausible and reasonable. Yes, she had attacked me but I was the one who should be thankful to her and one day return the favor she was doing me! So according to the outside observer I was just dumped and I am not able to get over it. OK. Sure. I will leave things here only to add that I did find answers as to what was going on with that narcissist. A simple google search of her username showed it all. Her behavior on Instagram was shocking to say the least. Yes that person I planned to spend the rest of my life with was fake and phony. That person never existed or if they did they were gone now. The person portraying themselves on Instagram was not the person who I had known as my partner. Yes the story that unfolded in front of me and continued to be more defined was a shock that had no explanation until I did a search of the signs I had observed and discovered covert narcissism. I will end things here. The impact on my life was monumental and I am only beginning to see the possibility of recovery almost 3 years later. So no, I didn't just get dumped and want to make a federal case out of it. No, that narc's greatness and her irreplaceability isn't what caused the mayhem in my life and inability to move on. Yes there is much more to the story. The triangulation, the gleeful flaunting of a new relationship. That has been covered before and is not pertinent to this discussion. The point has been made. The story is true. Thousands of others have similar true stories. Covert narcissism exists. It is a fact and no amount of disbelief or denial will make it go away. The comprehensive damage covert narcissists do is undeniable and no sane human being with a heart and soul can simply walk away and go on with their lives without understanding what went wrong. Yes, with understanding comes healing and then life does go on and far superior opportunities present themselves to the healed target. But without reflection, without taking the months and years to comprehend, the damage will never be overcome. First there is the discovery of covert narcissism and all that that implies. Then there is the revelation of how that covert narcissism impacted the last few years or even decades of your life. Then there is the realization that a person was perpetrating a ruse upon you and toying with your emotions. That triggers anger and rage. The anger and rage has to be overcome, and that takes hard work. The alternative is to become bitter and allow that abuse to linger and slowly destroy you over time. So we need to take as much time as possible to comprehend and find our way out of the morass created by that narcopath. Yes the outside world sees dwelling on that abuse as dysfunctional, but they have not walked in our shoes. It is true that we do need to make progress day by day, week by week, month by month, but no time limit should ever be imposed on us by the uninformed. Yes they are entitled to their opinion, because that just seems to be the norm this day and age. But maybe people should think about having less opinions and doing more studying of the facts. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. End Notations:




Remember: The covert narcissist is destined to fail. There is no intervention necessary on your part. The narc has no resources other than a lifetime of killing their own conscience, finding new ways to deceive people and cultivating projection, denial, and gaslighting. None of those tools of the narc's trade will ever allow them to find peace, joy, or hope. Only temporary satisfaction at a hollow achievement. A dark victory. Yes the narc feels no pain or remorse because they had a lifetime of practice finding ways to avoid responsibility for anything that they do. There will NEVER be any genuine victory for the narcissist. Only the target that was victimized has the possibility of victory and a full recovery. Why? Because the target has a lifetime of choosing to be good choosing to do the right thing and heeding their conscience. Yes the narcissist's treachery was a challenge to overcome for the target. That narc was a real threat because of the toxic emotions that welled up inside of the victim. So every one of the target's resources needed to be utilized. But the point s victory IS POSSIBLE. Yes the target can fully heal and get everything back and more. Yes things can be better in every way than they were with the narcissist. There is only one thing necessary to achieve that victory: Don't go down to the narc's level and try to seek vengeance. It's not our place to teach that narc a lesson. Our obligation is to heal ourselves.