A True Covert Narcissist Can't and Won't Ever Reform: The true covert narcissist is a lost cause. The notion that these people can actually ever understand the concept and value of empathy or ever have a conscience is simply wishful thinking. Every person they target that does believe in the honor and the value of these people, that believes that veneer on the covert narc's surface, ends up getting burned in the end. A person committed to a relationship with a covert narcissist in which the narc has no interest in leaving ends up being placed on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs laden with lies and broken promises and has to put up with their partner's bizarre self serving interpretation of reality. Every earnest effort by the target to stabilize things eventually ends up getting nowhere. Yes the hamster wheel that the target never wanted to be on and never can get off of, the constant moving of the goalposts, the endless complaining and discontentment of someone who can and never will be, and now we understand never wanted to be satisfied. All of this ends up wearing any sane person down. But the gaslighting then takes things to a new level and if the narc has their own way, the target will slowly lose themselves and their perception of reality. The line is often drawn when the narc's gaslighting is so obvious that the well meaning target actually wants to try to make the covert narc see where and how they are in error. Sadly the narc continues on trying to deceive and the target being unaware of the true nature of the beast in their presence continues to try to make the narc aware of their error. This effort is made again and again since the target feels obligated to be supportive. So it should be made clear that it's a false assumption that every target that stays with a covert narcissist is unaware of the lies and manipulation. No these targets simply can't conceive of the concept that a person such as a covert narcissist actually exists, let alone that their partner is one of these devils. Yes that target, as a result of the natural function of their love and commitment, holds on and tries to “make it work” in an environment that invariably becomes increasingly harsher as the years role by. Numerous examples can be given of the living hell the covert narc puts their targets through, but one example might suffice. Think of the philanderer who has a secret life right under their partner's nose for years on end. Is that how the disloyalty started? Is that the first incident of unfaithfulness? No the narc in their early days of inexperience was easily caught and if they lived in a tightly knit community their infidelity and numerous trysts became common knowledge to seemingly everyone but the target, who was busy supporting the narc financially. Conversely the “hard working” bread winner would use their “late night projects that needed immediate completion” as ready excuses for gaining a few hours of private time. Yes in the beginning the narc was as of yet inexperienced in the execution of their disloyalty and treachery. So they got caught and then promised never to do it again. In reality, they refined their craft and “did it again”. Then they got caught again, and the cycle repeated. Eventually some partners gave up and a mutual agreement was made to part ways. Yes love has it's limits and when the hope for change has met the harshness of reality too many times a target wakes up and gives up on the narc. Yes you can struggle with that covert narc, reason with them, love them and return kindness for the evil they perpetrate and it makes no difference. Pronouncements by the narc of being “reformed” and “changed” and even an admission of “being wrong” are empty words simply designed to continue the abuse in a more stealthy manner until that is also detected by the narc's partner. Every minute of interaction with a covert narcissist is abuse in one form or another. The narc lies continually, misrepresents all of the time and is always seeking to manipulate. They can't help themselves. The thing that strings along the target and makes them put up with all of this craziness is the belief that the narc is simply a flawed person that is basically “good on the inside”. No. The narc, for lack of a more concise word, is evil on the inside. You could make the argument that despite all of the narc's flaws they could be “tamed” and made manageable by a person who understands covert narcissism. Yes that is possible, but to make that work you are no longer in a genuine relationship with the narc, you are simply manipulating them and gaslighting them into staying in a synthetic relationship. That type of dynamic means the target has to become a dysfunctional narcopath themselves. A sane person who believes in love gets no pleasure out of being an emotional jail keeper. Yes a narc can be tricked into a relationship and a marriage and stay with someone for decades. The key is that the jail keeper of that narc, a greater covert narcissist than the lesser covert narc themselves, was more adept at manipulation and used financial dependence, emotional extortion, depraved indifference and denigration to manipulate that narc into a long term relationship. But one thing the greater narc could never prevent was the lesser narc's philandering. So even the greater narc eventually gets worn down by the lesser narc that they have “captured and restrained”. No there is no value for anyone in trying to hold on to a narcopath. Let them go. Heal yourself. Never look back. They can't change because they don't want to change. But the reality goes far deeper than that. We are using terms that really apply to normal people. Yes many a normal person can become addicted, lie, cheat, and steal. Many a normal person can have affairs and even more than one. But a normal person despite their actions will have feelings of guilt and remorse and that makes all of the difference. Yes that infidelity may well be coming from someone who once genuinely loved us and made a genuine commitment. Those circumstances make it more of a possibility that a relationship that was once genuinely great could be salvaged. However multiple episodes of bad behavior coming from anyone eventually means enough is enough. Yes even people who do love can become a “lost cause”. But that is describing the dynamics that occur with an average person not a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is fundamentally different, and expecting them to change is unrealistic because the lies, the duplicity, the fraudulent presentation of who they are and what they like and dislike is literally an integral part of their persona, their “being”. What we consider “change” can be easily done by the narc, but that is simply altering the existing fake persona. It isn't real change at all since the very foundation of who and what we think the covert narcissist is, is fake and phony to begin with. The target, even after years of being in a relationship with a narcopath may still be clueless as to the true dynamic of that association, so the concept of “fixing” the relationship and “reforming” the narcissist are still very much considered feasible. Only months and years of studying and drilling the concept of covert narcissism into our conscience begins to make covert narcissism something discernible, something understandable, something possible, and more importantly something that we, the target, can accept that we have actually experienced first hand. So here is the stark reality of a covert narcissist, and to bring home the point we could engage in some story telling, creating a metaphor or a parable based on a real experience. Instead, let's just give an “opinion” of what is going on with a narcissist based on study, observation, experience, and contemplation. Just the raw facts to save time. The narc is a predator plain and simple. They don't love anyone or anything. They will never resist the opportunity to take advantage of a person that isn't wise to the depths of depravity the human race and covert narcissists in particular are capable of. Yes when you take away all conscience and guilt and place that into a game playing narcopath you have in front of you someone who will do and say whatever it takes to get a relationship. These creeps will knowingly make a lifetime commitment to someone they simply want the pleasure of deceiving. For a narc it's never about love, it's always about being able to deceive and get away with the deception. It's all about being able to manipulate. For a narc it's all about making their fake persona work and a fake future believable to the target. Yes take away any concern for the damage you do to a person and the potential promises made and sincerity feigned become endless. The narc has their “template”: mirroring, idealization, devaluation, discard, new relationship. The narc follows that template each and every time they engage in their deceptive practice of making someone believe that they, the narc want a relationship. It is always temporary for the narc: the relationship, the persona, the job, the home. Yes everything is simply temporary because the narc is too good for any situation they ever find themselves in. The narc is always actively looking for a better situation and will do anything necessary to make that new situation work. Loyalty commitment and love are simply meaningless phrases to a narc. So look at things from the standpoint of the narc. They find the whole concepts of “change” and “reform” to be ridiculous notions that they simply need to pretend that they believe in if that target still offers something they aren't yet ready to discard. Yes the narc will promise to change but those words aren't generated by genuine guilt or remorse. Those words of being “sorry” are simply posturing and or manipulation. The uninformed target wants and maybe even needs those words of the narc wanting to reform to be genuine. Think of the mother with a child dependent on one of these cretins. Yes for a narc it is always temporary but that doesn't stop them from getting married and it doesn't preclude the narc from living with someone for decades. But in the end it doesn't really matter how long that narc stays in a relationship, there is no love, there is no commitment, there is no bond or obligation or loyalty. As long as the narc sees an advantage for themselves and no better opportunity available, they will stay in the relationship. Yes, to a spouse or to a partner that may appear to mean that the narc is “someone who is very difficult but loyal and devoted”. To the target it may appear that the narc “does love, but can't show it”. No. That's not it. The narc is simply out of other, more advantageous options. But they do have a “Plan B”. It's just that their present partner is better than “Plan B”. Yes as long as the value of the relationship exceeds the value of “Plan B”, the narc is “loyal”. Try and change or reform that. Yes the incredible damage these covert creeps do to the target is incomprehensible and many times that damage done even would have been unnecessary. But what does the narc care. It isn't their problem or concern. But days previous that narc was the same “loving” partner they had been for years. How could they suddenly have a new partner and become so callous? Because they never loved, cared or were loyal in the first place. Yes the newly discarded target is still in the belief that the narc was a genuine human being who cared and is baffled and shocked by the narc's bizarre behavior. The pathway for that target is to fully comprehend what covert narcissism is and fully understand and believe that covert narcissism exists and in fact happened to them. That is the way out for the target, the road back to sanity and peace. Reforming a congenital perpetrator that is evil at their core is only seen as the fool's errand that it is when that target understands covert narcissism. Only then can the emotional damage be repaired and life go on. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. End Comments: (Used in video) The target that witnessed a sudden discard by a narcopath coupled with a dramatic shift of the narc's loyalties to what the target considered a complete stranger received all of the information about the narc and the relationship with that creep that they would ever need to know. Someone who can turn off their loyalties and proclaimed love and planned future like a light switch in fact never loved or was committed or ever even cared about the person they targeted. The healing process of the target involved coming to grips with this harsh and unbelievable reality. Who can believe that years of their lives were based on a lie, a scam, a hoax? That narc had no justification or right to do this to the target. But the narc's bloodlust meant they took no prisoners and literally didn't care what damage was done to the target or if that target even survived the assault. Sadly some of these narcopaths actually feed on the additional misery they can cause a partner after the discard. So yes the message about what type of creature the target engaged with is very clearly presented in a matter of hours or days and occasionally over the course of a few additional weeks. Then the long undertaking of processing and healing and gaining insight occurs. At the end of this task the target learns to turn that narc off like a light switch as well. That “turning off” is justified, healthy, and necessary for that target to live a life free of toxicity and with a preponderance of peace and hope. The point of that light switch is that when the residual damage done by the narc in the form of toxic emotions come out on the surface, that light switch needs to be turned on and that nightmare of a relationship has to be revisited to understand and work on the problem. The target learned nothing at all from the narc and emulating the narc's denial or the pretense that “everything is OK” doesn't work for honest people and in fact will never even work for the crooked narcopath no matter how well they practice their own self deception. But that is the narc's problem not ours. We tried. We cared. We loved. We were genuine. No amount of love or concern or belief in these creeps made an iota of difference. Now we are off the hook. End Comments: (Unused) When the covert narcissist abruptly left the relationship without explanation, that discard came as mostly a total surprise to the target. No answers were given. No contact was instituted. Yes, that narc turned off the relationship like a light switch. So the target almost took it for granted that they had somehow failed in the relationship in a major way. The target was convinced that there was a logical explanation and they needed to know where they were in error. There would be no answers coming. But then at least one clue came. The narc had a new partner and the shocking part of it was the intimacy they shared with this person. How on earth could that narc totally shift their loyalty from you to what appeared to be a stranger that came out of nowhere in a few short weeks? Well the target did find out about covert narcissism and got their answers. That narc was living a double and possibly triple and quadruple life right under the target's nose. So that is how the narc turned off the relationship and never looked back. The detection of that new partner produced a slew of accusations against the target as the narc and their new partner decided to strengthen their bond by verbally tearing the target to shreds on social media in addition to making threats. But the target later realized that the bizarre phenomenon of projection, blaming someone for the things you yourself did to them, was real and that revelation gave that target even more answers as to what that narc's internal motivations were in the relationship. Yes the narc accused the target of being disloyal and not committed and went into many other details on social media and that narc unwittingly gave away so many more of their misdeeds when they projected them onto the target. So that abrupt departure did have an explanation in the end: that covert narc was simply discarding the fake persona and relationship that they had with the target and walking into a new, already constructed preexisting new persona and new relationship. Yes, the narc simply threw away the old, forgot about it in it’s entirety and went on with a new existence.

Due to the damage done by the narc, the target will take many years and possibly decades to be able to turn that narcopath off like a light switch. But that is precisely what the healed target can and needs to do: they need to be able to turn off that narcopath and all of the toxicity and only revisit that sad chapter of their lives as needed. Yes, occasionally that light switch has to be turned on when issues crop up that are the result of the abuse and damge the narc did to the target.

No the target can't pretend the relationship never happened but they also don't need to dwell on it. So the memories are turned on when things have to be worked on, then those memories are walled off. Being able to turn that narc off means there is no bitterness or resentment or anger or need for vengeance. When you turn off the narc you turn on a light in your life. You get a breath of fresh air. You get your life back in it's entirety. You see that narc for what they are: toxic and erosive of anything that had meaning, substance and value. That narc was a waste of your time and a waste of your life.

 

4 Years and Counting: Dealing with the Aftermath of a Covert Narcissist Introduction: How long does it take to recover, to get yourself back, to get back stability in your life after a covert narcissist has “worked their magic”, their wicked magic, upon your life? It would take a whole video possibly spanning 30 minutes or more to begin looking at all of the different variables. Narcs may be all the same as far as the patterns they follow, but in the end each narc is still an individual and each target is an individual as well. Add in all of the different scenarios that come to play in the genesis and final ending of that relationship and it becomes clear there is no one answer. Some of the commenters in the past who had been kind enough to share their personal experiences reported that once they were certain that they were dealing with a covert narcissist and knew for sure what and who they were dealing with, they simply walked away and went on with their lives in short order. Yes it still took time to “deprogram” and “shake the dust off of their feet” but that narcopath would not be allowed to have any long term impact. Other targets were placed in ridiculous situations and had such severe deception, fraud, treachery, betrayal and manipulation perpetrated against them, that a decade or more was required to even begin to find themselves and gain stability. We haven't even mentioned the poor souls who were married to and raised a family with one of these incontinent creeps. Yes when children are involved and a marriage is involved a target who takes seriously their obligations feels compelled to try and make things work and when those efforts are then even further taken advantage of by the narcopath, the damage is severe. Of course the narc will eventually leave for greener pastures, avoiding most of the repercussions of their depraved game playing masquerading as a genuine relationship. Yes it will take time for that target to even realize that what they viewed as and believed was a committed relationship was actually a fraud and a con job from day one. So there is not one answer as to how long it will take for someone to recover from the abuse of a narcopath and no single outsider has the right to judge. With that in mind let's proceed to the video which is based on the experiences of one person who was targeted by a covert narcissist. 4 Years and Counting: Dealing with the Aftermath of a Covert Narcissist: Time and time again people feel the need to be “helpful” and try to remind the former victim of a covert narcissist that much time has passed since that covert creep left the scene. Yes, it was a scene alright, the scene of a crime. The outsider perceives things differently. The vast majority of outsiders can only believe that the target was simply in a bad relationship that ended in a catastrophe. Yes the actual details, the actual dynamics at play in that so called relationship with a narcopath are inconceivable to the average person. In fact the reality of the relationship was even inconceivable to the target at the time of discard, when the narc decided to engage in their prearranged and choreographed exit plan with a new life and partner fully planned and conceived as that narc's happy ending. Yes, in the end stages of the no longer valued relationship, when the culmination of that sick creep's plans was keenly and excitedly anticipated, the narc's adrenaline level rose to the point of euphoria. Yes their long laid plans would finally come to fruition. Yes tangible results were right around the corner and the damsel in distress or misunderstood rebel would soon be saved by a new relationship. Yes the cunning narc had for a long time covertly and carefully leveraged the situations in the previous relationship to suit themselves. The narc had catered things to themselves so completely, to such and extent, that they felt fully entitled and justified to be a perpetrator while at the same time pleading victim status to anyone outside of the actual private workings of the relationship with the target. Yes this was not the narc's first rodeo, they had been through the sequence of mirroring, idealization, devaluation and discard many times before. Part and parcel of the narc's refined final exit plan was the denigration and devaluation of the target all along the path of their wicked yellow brick road. Every single step that narc took along the way to their new persona and new relationship they slowly but surely, calculatingly and methodically burned their previous existence to the ground and bled the soon to be ex partner dry of every usable bit of energy. But the bewildered target was clueless, believing in their heart that the narcopath was actually a serious partner addressing legitimate concerns that had genuine impact on the future of the relationship. So the target took the abuse, thinking it to be constructive criticism. No, that wasn't it. Only later did the target understand this was a sick, warped creep with no conscience or regard for anyone but themselves playing a game, pretending, leveraging. Yes that covert creep had ulterior motives in that abuse and it was all about feeling powerful and in control and almost god like at another person's expense. Yes the narc verbally and in some cases formally, in the form of marriage, made a commitment to be there in sickness and in health, but those were all empty words and commitments that were made because the narc saw gain for themselves that outweighed their investment. The only exception to this rule is when a lesser covert narc is manipulated by a greater one. Yes sometimes narcs feed on their own kind. You see this when a balding fat narcopathic freak of average means ends up entrapping an overconfident beautiful female narc who thinks she is street wise. The predatory female version of this exists as well. Yes a whole video could be made on how to use the narc's mental illness against them. To be a “better” narc than the narc themselves. But what would be the point? Corrupt behavior is something we want to avoid, not emulate. The cost of doing this to a narc would be the loss of our own humanity. No, let's just give people the tools to detect and avoid covert narcissists. Let's just concentrate on repairing the damage. That is all that is needed. But back to the theme of what occurs in the period directly before a narc's departure, when they can almost palpably feel that new relationship and lifestyle and persona taking form and substance. A time when the old has yet to be fully destroyed and the new is just beginning to be “born”. A time when the target is totally unaware of what is going on and is fully convinced they are still in a relationship, even though they sense the narc is “slowly slipping away”. Unbeknownst to the target they are the only person in that relationship who ever made a genuine investment, who ever actually had skin in the game. So the target, with that emotional investment, does everything in their power to make things work, to satisfy the narc's demands. But in hindsight, we now know this was simply the narc getting pleasure out of manipulating another human being while at the same time building a rock solid case and justification for the new relationship they were planning right under the target's nose. The closer the narc was to realizing this new future, the greater the abuse they directed to the no longer wanted target. After all in the narc's sick mind they would never have to face the consequences or repercussions for their foul behavior, since they would be in another relationship by the time those consequences were felt. So the mental and emotional abuse intensified and in some cases progressed to other areas of abuse. Then when that date certain was planned, the narc went to the next level and theft occurred. That theft would only be found out later by the target, and the mere thought of the future chagrin and consternation this would cause the target sent a thrill up the narc's leg. On the other hand, the outright overt disloyalty that was purposefully perpetrated right in front of the target and in the same instance totally denied by the narc was done for the narc's immediate satisfaction. Yes the gaslighting was now to a point where it was occurring in real time. In the author's experience, the narc literally flirted with and lingeringly touched the hand of a complete stranger right in front of the target and not 10 minutes later pretended the event never occurred. To continue on with the autobiographical, in the end that narc pushed the target to the limit and then felt fully justified in walking out of the door abruptly. No need for explanations. It should be understandable that this left the target bewildered and in need of making sense of things. For the crime of actually confiding in a friend about the incredible and unbelievable behavior of the narc, the narc made a return days later. That narc threatened the target and their family in every way and made a credible threat on the target's life. Through proxies. They then, under a totally false lying pretense began physically assaulting the target and the target never lifted a hand, being made to believe they deserved the abuse. No they didn't, by the way. Yes more threats followed on the narc's hallowed social site and were now also being made by and ignorant arrogant creep who was the narc's sudden new partner. A fool who was spoon fed one lie after another by the narc and believed it all. A clown who never even met the target. A person who talked big then ran to the police when he was called on for a face to face meeting. Yes the target did get themselves back, but it was everything in between that initial departure by the narc, who was at the time seen as a normal human being, and the eventual recovery of the target that caused the major portion of the personal economic damage. The bulk of the psychological abuse and damage was perpetrated during the course of the actual relationship and that “hook” was then used by the narc to inflict additional psychological pain once the narc was in the devaluation and discard phase. Yes the abuse in the active relationship was subtle, and introduced major toxicity into the target's life, but that toxicity was by design covert and not detected and in that sense allowed the target to continue functioning. Yes the target was functional while in the relationship with the narcopath, but the function was gradually and imperceptibly being replaced by dysfunction. That relationship abuse was damaging in the sense that it created a surreal world for the target and warped the image they had of themselves and of the outside world. For a businessman the decline in revenues tells the real story, the story of someone who was being slowly destroyed and undermined piece by piece without ever even knowing what was going on. Yes, in a very real sense the psychological abuse, as terrible and all encompassing and damaging as it was, was still only fifty percent of the equation. Yes, when the narc was in the relationship, it was in their own interest to keep the target viable enough to provide a stable relationship and that allowed the target to make a living. But once the narc no longer depended on the target, all bets were off. Yes the covert narcissist who no longer has any need of the target shows their true nature, the true depth of their depraved calloused indifference to the target that they purportedly “loved” and “committed the rest of their lives to”. Yes in my case the damage by that narc that made the biggest difference to my ongoing economic existence amounted to less than 5 hours in total. The “mask” was partially dropped over the course of 3 hours of what I now see as serendipity. Yes a sequence of events that could never be accounted for by random chance alone allowed me to get a clear glimpse of the hideous creature behind that mask. That demon then unleashed and focused the full forces of her depraved wicked rotten core in a campaign to destroy me. Those threats nearly took me to the edge and in the end set off a chain reaction that put me in one of the most precarious situations a person could be put into. That struggle has been ongoing for 4 years and it stares me in the face day after day. Yes there is hope. Yes, I am healed psychologically. But there is more to the story and the details can't and won't be made public. That struggle means that the covert narc is still “with me”. I want that narc gone and I work each and every day to wipe away the damage that the creep did to me. To get back everything she took. But there are no guarantees. Only a degree of uncertainty and instability that I have absolutely no control over. It has yet to be determined if I become fully restored. I must leave things in God's hands. Yes I blame myself for having gotten involved with that creep, but make no mistake, that devil has much to answer for. However, they don't answer to me. It's out of my hands. They answer to God. When in the midst of the travail I often times think to myself the narc would never be able to tolerate the emotional distress and hopelessness, the pain and suffering their actions have caused me. But I can't imagine they haven't had some repercussions themselves and in the midst of that distress I hope that they never have to experience the pain and suffering they have caused me that are the direct results of their calloused indifference. But the reality is that narc has much to answer for and whatever mistakes I made that I am now paying for, that narc has made exponentially larger and more grievous mistakes. So it follows they will have exponentially greater suffering... and pain. Good luck to them, and I mean that sincerely. I never want to hear from, or see that person again. I have no interest in knowing anything about them, where they are or what they are doing or who they are doing it with. So yes: “Still”. Not by choice, but necessity. “Still”. Because even though much healing has taken place there is still more healing to do, more things to work out. But in addition the greatest portion of the current struggle is getting myself back on a firm financial footing. For the most part that person is gone from my active thoughts, but the repercussions of that creep's actions make it an almost impossibility to not think of that wicked narcopath on occasion. Yes there is still occasional anger and times when I want to see her suffer. There are times when I pray for her well being because it is inconceivable that the situation she set up didn't also severely damage her. There are still those moments when I want everything back that was taken from me, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, that includes her. But those are very brief moments. The focus is on rebuilding and keeping a positive attitude. Yes the narc created a void and that “void” will be filled by something and someone far superior. I already have assurance of that. Patience has to be learned and it will hopefully pay off. I have higher expectations of the people that surround me now. I have higher expectations of myself. Yes healing has taken place, but there is much uncertainty and until stability is achieved the aftereffects of that narcopathic relationship stare the target in the face and have emotional impact of varying intensity every single day. Things that can't be avoided an have to be lived with. Yes dealing with the aftereffects of a narc even 4 years later is still a reality that can't be avoided. Departing from the personal and getting back to the general it is important to emphasize to the viewer that the situation isn't as dreary as it sounds. There is plenty of hope for the target once they find themselves and get themselves straightened out. Just the knowledge and understanding of what an incredible destructive toxic mess that narcopathic relationship was when seen with a clear mind means that the target considers themselves incredibly lucky to be rid of the covert narcissist. Yes that good fortune came at a price since the narc's treacherous damaging vandalism destroyed nearly everything. But it didn't destroy the target. That healed target will have gone through a trial by fire and emerged stronger and more confident and more aware than they ever were before. That has value. Yes there is the potential for the target to receive great blessings and great rewards and personally witness an actual conversion of that narc's malevolent evil to good in their lives. Some targets have the good fortune of having friends and relatives that provide a supportive environment that aids the healing process. Other targets may have to mostly “go it alone”. But no target will be able to fully emerge from the pall, the gloom that envelopes them without some help from outsiders. Even if those outsiders are people who produce social media. On a personal note, when all is said and done, I would have to say the bulk of my own healing came from watching YouTube videos. To briefly continue the personal narrative, those great rewards spoken of above were real for me and they didn't come without expending energy and focusing that energy on the recovery process. Pain is a great motivator and sharpens your focus. Yes, those rewards were and continue to be earned by daily effort and a daily struggle that is an absolute necessity in the journey to get back something that resembles a real life. But it would be erroneous not to acknowledge the great help of those new people that now surround me and can be depended upon. So what about the narc? That narc will be a perpetual felon. That narc in perpetuity will be someone who physically and psychologically and mentally abused their partners. Yes, the trademark statement of a lowlife wife beater is: “Why do you always make me hit you?” In the same exact spirit these selfish psychopathic lowlife covert narcissists are so self centered they actually believe “it is the victim's fault”. These cretins actually believe their physical abuse was justified. NO. Not so. Sadly, many a victim will actually believe they deserved that physical abuse. NO, they did not. That physical abuser will never be able to erase or walk away from who they are or what they did. That abuser “went there”. They have tattooed themselves in perpetuity with the label of Physical Abuser. That fact can't ever be lied away. No amount of public charity will make any difference at all. They own the label and it owns them. That narc will always be someone who lied to their partners, who cheated on them, who broke their word and their promise, and who is a Physical Abuser. As well as a thief, even though that transgression pales in comparison to the rest of the narc's “crimes”. That narc showed themselves to have never cared or loved and they proved that multiple times in multiple relationships. That narc showed themselves to be a habitual user and abuser of people with many people victimized. Did the narc know what they were doing was wrong? Of course they did. Why else would they deny everything that they did while in the relationship. They don't ever want anyone to know the real creep that lies behind the mask of that phony facade of theirs. The so called “humanitarian”. Yes only a “chosen few” get the pleasure of knowing who and what that narcopath is really all about. Yes “Still”, but NOT forever for the target. That can't be said for the narc. That narc will “Still” be a physical abuser, a liar, a cheater and a thief for as long as they live and beyond. Why? Because they refused to acknowledge that they have done anything wrong. They “erase” the memory, conveniently “forgetting”, or double down on the justification of their actions using their age old ploy of projection. Blaming the target for what they themselves are guilty of. Both of those options are a “no go”. There is only one way out: Jesus. He will remove the narc's liability just as He can restore the target. Those two items aren't coupled. The narc and the target are separate entities. So, thankfully the narc's liability can be removed without the target ever having to see that narc again. It's between the narc and God in the same way that it's between the target and God. Yes, the target will heal and learn and hopefully do better in the future. The narc, on the other hand will most likely deny and continue victimizing as many people as they can get to believe their con. So the narc deteriorates and continues on in their sordid lifestyle. Yes it's a big country , with numerous places and people. That means nothing but opportunity for the narcopath. Let's spread the word and make it that much harder for the narc to “succeed”. Conclusion: So what are the “takeaways” from the unfortunate waste of time known as a relationship with a covert narcissist? What can be learned that makes a difference and that allows that target to fully move on whole and healed and ready to pursue another relationship? That investment of love and concern made on the narcopath can potentially pay back dividends to the target, but that return will come from another person who genuinely loves them and has empathy. Yes some targets were visited by a relationship with a narcopath and because that person left without incident, or made the target believe it was their idea to leave the relationship, or leveraged the situation to give the impression that the breakup was mutually agreed upon, that target was never even aware that the partner they had some concerns about was a depraved game player. Yes in that case the target moved on and hopefully got things sorted out in their mind as to what they had to offer and what they needed in a potential new relationship. That target may have had very specific ideas about having boundaries and not compromising their standards in the next relationship. That target may have come to the conclusion that no relationship is better than a settled for relationship. But none of that prevented another narc from lying their way through every one of those barriers and safeguards just because they couldn't resist the challenge. Yes without actual proof the target would just be left with a sense of having been manipulated by a previous partner, but there would be no way to know for sure if that previous partner was a narcopath. No you can't look inside of a person's head or heart and visualize their thoughts and motivations. You have only their words and their actions to go by. Yes, in the beginning that narc used all of the right words and the narc's actions seemed to confirm that they were genuine. But in the end their words were increasingly harsh and abusive and the equivocations and outright lies they spewed were no longer deniable. In addition to all of that, the narc's actions were beginning to tell a story of a disloyal and duplicitous partner who was growing increasingly detached from the daily workings of the relationship. But even with all of that, if that narc played it cool and left with a reasonable explanation the target would have no clue whatsoever of what had just occurred to them. Yes that target would have, despite their suspicions, believed that the narc at one time genuinely loved and had empathy and was concerned, but somehow the love had “grown cold”. That is the ideal scenario. The vast majority of targets have had a very different experience. Many and probably most targets eventually witness the narc's “dark side”, otherwise known as their true self or the “creature behind the mask”. The cheating, the treachery, the incredible cruel triangulation with a new partner and all of the other abuse the covert narcs served out with such calloused glee caused massive damage to the target's self image, self confidence, and world view. Add to that the potential economic cost that a relationship with one of these creeps levies and you have no doubt as to what kind of reptile you were dealing with. Yes for the privilege of “knowing for sure” that the previous partner was a narcopath, the target paid a very high price. But seeing that narcopathic snake for what it was, as painful as it was for the target, gave clarity and brought a preponderance of truth back into the target's life. No more living in a world of lies and deception. That was the first step in the healing process. Once that all sank in, the second major revelation was realizing that the entire narrative surrounding the narc's departure was fabricated from whole cloth. Yes that narc had the target convinced that they, the target “weren't the person they used to be”, that the target had somehow “changed” or disappointed the narc in some way that made the narc “feel differently” . Yes the target had said or done something or somehow misrepresented themselves and because of this the covert narcissist's love had “grown cold”. At this point the healed target will nearly break into uncontrolled laughter at the absurdity of it all. Yes it's pure nonsense. To give some personal perspective. The narc's ramped up personal demands and continuous changing of the goalposts made it a near impossibility to keep them satisfied. Sure it's mere coincidence that the narc had been “shopping” their social site for a new partner long before that departure. Inappropriate comments on the sites of members of the opposite sex were found by a brief web search. Sure it's a mere coincidence that they instantly found a “knight” in shining armor to save them on that same social site. Yes the narc truly believed that instant messaging was the greatest invention ever created. They were probably right, the greatest invention ever made for cheaters. That “innocent” time spent on the smart phone would never be questioned. Sure “anyone could look at their phone at any time and find nothing”. Well the target would have never dreamed of checking. They trusted. Well the truth did eventually come out. No that narc didn't realize her actions were easily uncovered. Yes the takeaway is clear for those of us who witnessed that cold hearted beast beneath the mask: That narcopathic creep never ever respected or loved or cared for the target from day one. The lack of respect and calloused disregard for the well being of the target when the narc viciously triangulated with the new weasel partner was the same exact disregard and disrespect that narco pathic freak had for the target the day they decided to entrap them into a relationship. Yes that fake “love” and “concern” was pure manipulation and entrapment. Nothing more, nothing less. It was game playing for the pleasure of the narc who would otherwise possibly be alone or “bored with life”. Yes, that same exact disrespect and disregard was present each and every moment that narc spent with the target while in the relationship. Yes that narc is as hollow an excuse for a human being you will ever come across in your daily walk of life. But of course the term “hollow” refers to the fact that there is nothing real or valuable inside the narc, nothing on the inside that actually bears any real resemblance to the person or “persona” the narc portrays themselves as being. However, the narc is “filled” with something: evil, duplicity, hatred, treachery, betrayal, shame, and every other vile, depraved, repugnant thought and emotion that ever took residence inside a being in human form. Yes that abusive narc “gifted” the target by showing them the truth, the harsh reality of what the years spent with that creep were really all about. What a sham. What a joke. When the target comes to that conclusion and can fully accept it they have come nearly to the end of the healing process. That is in stark contrast to the beginning stages right after the narc's departure. Yes in the early days of the departure the narc can make a mockery of the target's love and stomp that target's heart right into the ground. The narc can extoll the virtues and superiority of the new partner, the weasel that aids and abets the abuse, to devastating effects upon the target. But that narc has power only because the newly discarded partner actually thinks they lost someone of value. Yes that target did lose something of value, they lost their heart. They handed their heart to the narcopath as a sign of trust and the courage to make themselves vulnerable. That heart was bludgeoned beyond recognition, vandalized, then discarded...but it kept beating. The target retrieved that battered heart and it eventually recovered. In the process, the target discovered that heart's inner strength and resilience. So yes, once the target gets themselves back and sees the narcopath for what and who they were, that narc has lost all power to damage. But more importantly the relationship in it's entirety is seen in a new light, which effectively neutralizes much of the toxicity that the narcopath introduced into the target's life. Yes the narc was playing a cruel game, perpetrating a hoax, so why take anything they ever said or did seriously. Yes that narc is a small, sick, hollow human being. We see that now. We can and will do better. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. End Comments: Remember: The covert narcissist is all about LEVERAGE. The covert narc seems humble because it gives them leverage (the upper hand) and makes the narc “relate-able” and allows the narc to elicit empathy. The covert narcissist lies because it gives them leverage (they know the truth, the target doesn't). The covert narc's false persona or “mask” gives them leverage, because all the target has to go by is the person that is presented to them that has the appearance of being a real person. Yes leveraging every single aspect of their lives, especially in a relationship, means the narc is “free” and the target has been placed into a “cage” of the narc's making. Of course reality dictates that any human being that bases their lives on lies and deception is the actual person in a “cage” and sadly the narc is so self-deluded they can't see that they have imprisoned themselves and are the actual author of their own miserable existence. Too bad for the narc. Self harm, no matter how severe is isolated to the person with the mental dysfunction but the narc's brand of mental illness always ends up harming other people more than the narc themselves. So how do you “tame” a narc without becoming one? LEVERAGE. But don't even make that attempt if the narc is a physically violent person. In that case, make the smoothest departure possible. Remember, guilt has no effect on these creeps and they have absolutely no appreciation or loyalty. You could give them your kidney and they would never hesitate to turn around and stab you in the back or betray you in any way possible once you had served your purpose. No the key is to grab these “snakes” by the metaphorical head and not allow them to have any leverage at all. No, you don't have to lie or be aggressive or even hostile, you simply refuse the con, refuse their lies. Call that narc out again and again. You treat the narc with the only thing they understand: cruel and unemotional adherence to the truth and to reality. You give that narc the harsh treatment they deserve and the only thing that they can respect. Kindness gets you nowhere with a narc, they laugh at it. In the absence of having leverage, most narcopaths will head for the hills. That may pose problems for a person financially dependent on them. So in that case the target needs to slowly extricate themselves. But for those in a relationship with a narcopath that doesn't involve marriage or children the best advice is to “let the narc go” and find a person you can live with IN PEACE. Fighting and struggling to maintain leverage is no way to live. Let that narc go if you aren't married to them and don't share children. The sooner the better. Liars, cheaters, evildoers, and thieves will sadly never change their ways. No a “leopard doesn't change it's spots”. The only tried and true way for a target to improve their situation is by getting these toxic covert narcissists out of their lives. Fresh air is good for the soul and a very nice departure from the “swamp” imposed upon the target by the narcopath.

 

It's Not “OK” To Be a Covert Narcissist It is always important to note that these videos being made are not being made by a Psychologist or Psychiatrist. They are not the advice of a professional. They are opinion, the opinion of someone who closely observed one individual. Yes it is quite normal for us to have deep interest in someone that we love and have committed the rest of our lives to. We want a stable, peaceful relationship and one that we can rely upon. To do that we need to try and understand our partner's needs. That takes work. Part of that work is getting to know our partner as well as possible. Yes, when we get onto the subject of discussing if it's “OK” to be a covert narcissist we are potentially stepping into a mine field. That seemingly simple question has to be answered taking into account many different facts, opinions, and points of view. It has to take into account genetics and environment, “nature versus nurture”. It has to brush up against the current mindset of victim mentality and broach upon the subject of personal responsibility. So in the end anything said on this subject has to be taken as opinion. Take it as that. So, is it “OK” to be a covert narcissist? The short answer is: No, it's not “OK”. But that was obvious. The real meaning of the question is this: Is covert narcissism an acceptable “lifestyle choice”? The rest of this video is an attempt to clearly explain and describe why it isn't , why it's not “OK” to be a covert narcissist. The average person in this world lucky enough to live in a free society simply wants the freedom to pursue their own happiness. We all have plans of making a living, meeting a partner and raising a family. We want to live in a peaceful environment in our home, with our neighbors, and be an asset to our community, our nation, and if possible even the world. We want to be as good a person as we can be. Our selfishness, our dysfunctional attitudes, our basically imperfect nature prevents us from fully realizing those goals. But most of us do the best that we can. We don't actively pursue another person's destruction and we don't actively seek to abuse or use other people. The average person inherently understands the need to be an asset to society and to the people that surround us. The average person fully sees their own imperfections and does the best they can to overcome those flaws. Yes the average person wants to live and let live. The average person doesn't think the world of themselves, but they are comfortable with themselves and over time they hopefully mature and get closer to the ideals they envision for the type of person they think they should be. Very few people were born into ideal conditions. Very few people were given genetically perfect minds and bodies, or pre-existing supreme emotional stability. Most of us make due with what we have and make the best of things. Life is a series of challenges and we may fail time and time again. The important thing isn't if we succeed or fail as much as how we react to that success or failure. It's all about our attitude. Life will teach us what it requires of us and change that attitude to a more functional one, a more mature one. Yes the average person either learns from life and matures or fights everything and eventually gets it all their way and never matures, never learns. It's a matter of a person becoming more or less dysfunctional over time. We see the results of dysfunction all around us, but make no mistake there is just as much hidden dysfunction that can't be seen. The wealthy and successful might exude confidence and success, but a sizeable minority of these people are empty suits, empty shells that simply were in a position to game the system to their advantage. It's an actual fact that for many of these posers it's not what you know, it is who you know. Yes, a shrewd person can weasel their way into getting the upper hand and in doing so place themselves into a position where easy money can be made. Those people sell their soul to the almighty Dollar and have an addiction to power and the authority given them by political positions that exist in both corporate and public bureaucracies. Yes a good example of this is career politicians of the lowest morality who make a living out of being in the ruling class. They maintain their power by being backed by “The Machine”. The back room deals, lobbying, and rampant nepotism makes these greasy politicians mere puppets of the unelected elites and organizations who call most of the shots. Go to skid row or the poorest section of any city and you'll be able to find a good number of the homeless and impoverished that are far superior to these creeps that have a veneer of success. Yes those that are not doing so well may or may not be to blame for their circumstances, but no human ever has the right to judge or simply place these people in the category of the dysfunctional who “did it to themselves”. The real point to be made is that people of high public standing who seem obviously successful shouldn't necessarily be held out as examples of people who had their head screwed on straight and made all of the right moves. Yes these people may have more dysfunction than the average person could ever imagine. But all of the above examples are the outliers and serve as a cautionary tale to people who observe a person's appearance and make a judgment as to who and what they are dealing with. Yes the vast majority of those who appear successful have attained that success by hard work, delaying gratification, and having gotten their own dysfunctional bad habits under control. The vast majority of the worst off in society may well have been born with all of the cards stacked against them, but uncontrolled dysfunction and a lack of willingness to put an effort in certainly didn't help their own situation. Yes the successful and wealthy had better never forget the luck and good fortune that got them where they are. The minute the wealthy see their success as solely due to their own efforts, they are sunk. Pride cometh before the fall. Those people of sound mind and body that had many bad breaks in life have every right to always see those terrible situations they were placed in through no fault of their own as unfair. But there is personal responsibility and blaming everything on your past is no excuse for present day laziness, irresponsibility, lack of self discipline, lack of self control and profligate behavior that hinges on being angry at the world. What about racial inequality? For that matter, what about the exploitation of poorer nations by stronger ones which creates inequality? Yes, all of those things exist and those subjects are very complex. The broad generalizations above are meant to apply to this discussion on covert narcissism. Nothing more. Nothing less. Yes we have described the average people in this world, the genuine people both rich and poor. The reason people make snap judgments on another human being they don't know is that more times than not what you see in both appearance and demeanor is what you get. That ability to accurately assess another human being is affirmed or refuted for most people when they become acquainted with that person that they initially judged. The wise person learns to withhold judgment. But over time, once we get to know someone, we should be able to have some confidence in our ability to understand who that person is and what they stand for. Yes one of the critical aspects of entering a relationship is accurately assessing the person we intend to share our lives with. In the end all that we have is our own ability to judge the person we are now going to make an integral part of our lives. The very fact that the narcopath focuses solely on gaining our confidence and subverting our judgment of them shows without a doubt the wanton nature of their depraved indifference to the people they prey upon. So it begins to become clear why this discussion of human nature and the way people judge others relates to covert narcissism. Yes the above discussion of the different types of people becomes very important. We have just made an attempt to break down every one of the narc's various phony, contradictory, self opposing fake personas to their individual building blocks. Yes the narc literally fabricates their phony personas based on every person they have ever met, every movie or TV show they have ever watched, and every experience they themselves have ever had. Yes, in many ways what has just been described above is crucial in understanding the narcopath. Yes, the narc games the system by literally turning the serious matter of human existence into a game. The narc constructs one phony persona after another out of whole cloth and the key to creating these false personas and making them convincing is closely studying the “genuine articles” the genuine and sincere people who surround them. In a very real sense any given persona of a narcopath is an amalgam of stolen, counterfeited, and plagiarized personalities of the real people they have studied in the past. So yes, the narcopaths have a keen interest in studying people in all walks of life. The wealthy and successful that did achieve their wealth through genuine efforts and those wealthy who posed and weaseled their way to prominence. The poor and disadvantaged that were shining stars who did everything right but life simply never gave them a chance. The poor and unsuccessful that made bad choices. Yes the narc intimately gets to know all of these people. The anti gun activists and the pro gun activists. The people in charge and the people that are oppressed. Depending on who surrounds them, the narc will tow the line with all of the correct talking points. Yes the narc studies every spectrum of the human experience as an outsider and simply puts on whatever false act is required to fit the circumstances and deceive the current group of people in their own environment. So the narc will play the role of the person who worked hard and lost it all due to “other people” or the narc will be an”up and coming...” fill in the blank. The narc will “confide” in their partners or even their coworkers, presenting one childhood scenario after another where their own success was snatched by unfair parents, or family members or evil outsiders. Yes the narc comes from wealth in one scenario then changes strategies and comes from a situation of childhood neglect and poverty in yet another setting. As bizarre as it sounds the narc could literally juggle two disparate and contradictory fake personas at the same time depending on who they are with. Yes we are describing insanity, but more importantly underlining the sad and very sick fact that the covert narcissist doesn't have an honest bone in their body. The covert narc is full of deception, duplicity, treachery. Their intentions are evil through and through. But what about those public charities? What about them? It's all about symbolism and appearance for the narc. It's all about who that narc knows and the importance of that narc's involvement and contributions. Sure the narc cares, but somehow their charity never extends into their personal life, is never felt by their partners. Isn't that curious. Those colored bracelets and being part of a current fad or important cause give that narc the high visibility they so crave. The appearance of caring and being concerned are the hallmarks of the narc's hypocrisy. Yes that ex narc of mine now has a tattoo showing how much they “cared”. I have no doubt more have followed since then. Yes let an older person pretend they are trendy and a part of a younger generation and hip and you have in front of you a very sorry sight. We aren't talking about an older person who has a youthful attitude or dresses youthfully, we are talking about someone who wants to be a part of a generation they have nothing in common with. A narc in decline, the aging narc, becomes more and more a parody of themselves and their foolish fake posturing becomes more and more obvious. The narc doesn't even have enough integrity or integration to be able to act their age, except when”acting their age” is a part of one of their phony personas. My personal experience with a covert narcissist was quite remarkable. I truly believed we had much in common in the sense that we were both students of human nature. That narc highlighted the differences between people who cared, as a parent, at the job, or in a relationship, very precisely and accurately. Yes the narc knew the difference in behaviors between a person who was selfless and gave of themselves and a person who was selfish. So the assumption on my end was that the narc cared, had a heart, did love. But that was incorrect. The narc studies human nature not for selfless, but for selfish reasons. The narc studies people because they are always looking to “up their game”. The more the narc knows about people the better they can fake it. The narc is always looking for material that can be used in that next phony persona and key to this is having a very clear and comprehensive understanding of what concern for people in public and private settings and diligence and dedication at the workplace resemble. Yes if you boil a narc's con down to it's essence you could say the narc specializes in convincing people that they care, that they love, that they are loyal, that they are dedicated. In the beginning that narc expends a great deal of energy to make sure that a target or employer is convinced. At the end of a relationship or job, especially when a new partner or job is waiting in the wings, the narc no longer puts the effort in and as a result even the pretense of caring no longer convinces anyone. But that is by the narc's design, since it makes their departure from the relationship or the job all the easier. Yes the narc will be a bit more careful with their job departure, since a resume and references are needed. But once a relationship has lost it's value to the narc it is irrelevant to them what the target thinks or how they feel and in fact that narc will actually savor the opportunity to silently inflict emotional torture and pain on the target. Yes, in the initial stages of the discard, when the narc hasn't fully decided on the next target and is still weighing the pros and cons of leaving the existing target, the words of being committed to the relationship are still there. But the callous indifference begins showing itself clearly in the tone of voice and actions of that narcopath. Once a new target is acquired and a plan of action set into place by the narc there is no longer any pretense whatsoever of caring and the abuse coming the target's way will be inflicted with no mercy. The narc isn't worried about exposure of what they did in that relationship because it will be the narc's word against the target's. In the narc's mind they fully expect to be the arbiter of that narrative. Yes the narc has experience in dictating the narrative of what did and didn't happen in a relationship since they have been through the cycle of mirroring, idealization, devaluation, and discard so many times before. But the narc loved their animals, didn't they? Maybe. Maybe not. My opinion is that the narc doesn't really care about animals, but they sure do want to appear as being public advocates. Pets are fine, as long as they serve the narc's purposes. Of course it appeals to the narc to “own” another living creature. Make no mistake, the narc's falsehood and lack of genuine involvement extends to every aspect of their lives and every narrative they ever tried to convince people of. No the narc was never a devoted spouse. No the narc was never a victim of an abusive spouse. No that narc was never severely abused as a child. No the narc was never a contender for greatness, if it weren't for the abuse they received. No the narc was never loyal. No the narc never loved. No the narc doesn't care about the homeless, or the victims of crimes whose stories end up entering the national and global consciousness. But covert narcissists feed off of the public awareness and just have to be a part of it. The narc wants public acclaim for caring and doing, but it's really all about appearing to be a Social Justice Warrior at the bare minimum outlay of actual effort. That narc is in it for themselves. Period. It makes no difference if it is in a public setting, a work environment, or a home setting, the narc makes people believe in them and then proceeds to drain every ounce of energy out of the situation they have fabricated and deceived people into believing was real. Yes, the average person is correct in making tentative judgments based on appearance and demeanor. For the most part this serves well. But not with the covert narcissist. More importantly, the narc's deception is not only one of appearance, it's also one of demeanor. Dig deep into a narc's phony persona and get to know them and even the most intelligent person could be deceived into believing they are dealing with the genuine article. Yes, the crafty narc has studied each and every spectrum of human existence and has adeptly aggregated, fabricated, and melded together a convincing argument for a genuine human being. But the narc is in full control of the narrative in their own warped mind and therefore in control of life as they experience it. Yes it's clear the narc doesn't have an honest or genuine bone in their body. No genuine love. No genuine concern. No genuine loyalty. All fake. Because of this the people that give the narc their confidence place themselves at a high risk. Yes it would be bad enough if the narc simply put on an act, deceived, took their fill of other people's good will and intentions and then left with a reasonable excuse. Yes if the narc stopped there, we might feel sorry for them and even say we should leave these poor sick people alone. We could hope for a cure. But the narc needs full payback for the effort and energy they put into that false persona. So, to get a full return on that investment, the narc has to go the extra mile and use all of that good will they received from others, all of the love, all of the compassion and use all of those kindnesses against the very people who gifted the narc with them. Yes a dramatic ending in which the narc shocks by revealing themselves to be a totally different person than they presented themselves as being pulls the rug right out from under a target and the narc receives incredible energy and pleasure out of the breakdown in self confidence this creates in the target. Gaslighting may be irresistible to a narcopath, but pulling the veil off of a phony persona, removing the mask so to speak, and watching the horror and disbelief of the target is the narc's purest and most sought after source of energy. It's the dramatic ending and the radical sudden and unexpected shift of a relationship paradigm as well as a total rewriting of history that makes covert narcissists deserving of the term walking, breathing sacks of filth. The feeling of omnipotence over another human being this produces gives the narc the ultimate fix. But the victim is left damaged beyond belief. That's tough luck as far as the narc is concerned. The narc has moved on. They already have a new partner. Yes it is the way that narc savors cruelly toying with people's emotions that makes their behavior and their choice of lifestyle unacceptable. Yes the narc gets it over on people then gets sick pleasure out of showing those people that the world they thought they lived in, the future they anticipated and put all of their efforts into was all fake. This has the effect of literally smashing the target's life into a thousand pieces. So no, dysfunction isn't always obvious or visible and people who do try to do the right thing aren't always seen as icons of success. The main thing is not a person's appearance, or abilities, or position in life. The main thing is their attitude and how that person responded to the challenges of life. Where did that person start? What tools or gifts did that person begin with and what did they do with those assets they were given? Yes it all goes back to nature and nurture. The innherrant qualities we were born with like looks and intelligence and the environment we grew up in that was primarily dictated to us by our parents, or lack of parents. Yes eventually the person has to take responsibility for their own lives and at some point there is an “age of accountability”. No we aren't programmed robots, we are human beings who have the ability and authority to plot the course of our lives. In fact it is the responsibility of a person who is of sound mind and body to make correct choices or face the consequences. No excuses. But people don't make right choices all of the time and sometimes make one mistake after another. Yes people can make the same mistake again and again. Addictions of all varieties fall under this category. There are many other ways that people make bad choices that are obviously wrong. Yes, violence, theft, greed, and every other vice that has adverse effects on other people can never be defended as lifestyle choices. Yes there are bad choices, addictions and dysfunction that hurt the person themselves and there is dysfunction that hurts others. We may pity and have compassion for those who harm themselves, but there is no sympathy or explaining away the behavior of those who harm and destroy other people. Yes saying someone isn't in their right mind might be an alibi for an isolated event, but when one incident after another harms other people again and again there is no longer any excuse for the perpetrator. That person should have gotten a grip on themselves long ago and they have no excuse. Yes life is an opportunity, a series of events, interactions with others, and challenges that require analysis and assessment. Much of the time that is self analysis and self assessment. The average person learns and endeavors to do better in the future. The average person tries not to do harm. The average person tries to be an asset, a positive force, a force for good. But the covert narcissist isn't an average person are they? Yes there will be the argument made that covert narcopaths were “born that way”. That they can't help themselves. That they are a victim themselves. That they had a poor upbringing. That they were born with a low capacity for empathy. That they were cruelly treated and abused as children. That they had overindulgent parents that never taught them to question themselves. That they were given no love and were never shown any examples of what love was. That they weren't taught any morality by their parents and in fact were even shown how to lie, cheat, and steal. Yes they had parents who saw nothing at all wrong with lying, cheating, stealing, and lascivious behavior. But let's look at this from a different viewpoint. Covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom. No person is born a covert narcissist. A diagnosis of covert narcissism isn't determined by a genetic test or a professional clinical assessment of the chemical makeup of the brain or precise measurements of a person's ability to feel empathy. Covert narcissism is diagnosed primarily on the behavior of a person. There are plenty of people who had impoverished childhoods and grew up in severely dysfunctional environments that made something of themselves or at least made an active decision to be a better person or a more functional person than their parents. Make no mistake, isolate a baby and give it no physical attention and that person may have no empathy for others at all as an adult, and you could argue that this isn't their fault. But that isn't the case for the vast majority of narcopaths. Those narcs know exactly what they are doing and they know that it is wrong. Those narcs know they are using and abusing other people and doing them harm and they don't care. There is no introspection, no self assessment, no looking back, no learning, no endeavoring to do better in the future. Only denial. The main focus of the narc is to avoid consequences. At all costs. The pain and suffering of others, the harm that the narc does to others never even enters the equation. There is zero personal responsibility. That covert narc may well have been born with a low capacity for empathy and a weak conscience. That can even be medically and psychologically assessed in children that are quite young. But the narc knew and understood that they were different from others. That narc, even if they had no feelings for others and no inclination to do the right thing and be harmless could have made the decision to be harmless and not commit their treachery anyway. Yes the narc could have decided to do what they knew was right even without the accompanying emotions. But they didn't choose to do that. Instead the narc victimized one person after another and ignored whatever guilt or conscience they were born with. In the end they created the monster that they became through years of wrong decisions. Years of dysfunction that primarily harmed others, not the covert narcissist themselves. Yes, you can argue an alcoholic has a disease and can't help themselves. But for someone who has alcoholics in the family that person isn't going to be playing with fire and somehow think to themselves: “for me it will be different”. Instead that person will acknowledge their own possible weakness and avoid overindulgence in alcohol or any drug for that matter. They simply will never use alcohol to try to make a problem go away. They will think about alcoholism and how people get into that pattern and avoid making those mistakes. Yes the narc may be an addict just like a drug addict or an alcoholic, or a gambler, but the narc's addiction is an unacceptable one. No, covert narcissism isn't a disease. It's a person who made poor use of the tools and gifts that life gave them and gave in to an addiction they were predilected for. A person who made one poor choice after another and never cared a whit that other people were harmed. All of the narc's focus was on escaping consequences, on themselves. A person who became increasingly more and more wicked, destructive, and harmful over time. No, covert narcissism is a sign, a symptom, a behavior that manifests itself in a constellation of bizarre motivations and contradictory behaviors and speech that are counter intuitive and nonsensical to the average person. But the pathology, the “disease” that causes those signs, that inherent lack of empathy combined with a poor upbringing, didn't have to create a covert narcissist. Those exact circumstances could have created a person who was aware of their own lack of empathy and decided to be a good person despite the motivations inside their own heart. A person who decided to be harmless and do the best they could with what they were given. No, public visible charitable contributions don't count. Being a human being to the people who you decided to trick into being your partner counts. Being loyal to your loved ones counts. No, cheating again and again with anyone who will have them isn't an addiction, its a sign of someone who simply doesn't care. A person who long ago abandoned their own humanity and lost whatever conscience and empathy they were born with. So NO, it isn't “OK” to be a covert narcissist. It isn't an acceptable “lifestyle choice” although it may well be an addiction. Yes corrupt politicians, crony capitalists, and even some criminals may have their fans. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But violent habitual offenders, serial killers, psychopaths, sociopaths, and covert narcissists are not people who should go about their lives doing as they please. They need to be stopped in their tracks, imprisoned, or in the case of the covert narcissist the public has to be made aware of these freaks and their ways need to be exposed. Let the narcopath find a different hobby. Destroying other people's lives and playing with their emotions is not harmless activity done by people who should be left alone. The narc thinks their atrocities are nothing at all, that the victim made too much of things, took things too seriously. Yes the narc denies, minimizes, and with enough time in the end even “forgets” all that they have done in the past. Yes the narc will convince themselves and anyone who will listen that they were the victim and will accuse the target of having committed much of what they actually perpetrated. In the narc's mind it is the target's own fault if they were damaged, if they believed in the narc, if they actually took the narc seriously. Yes covert narcissism doesn't exist according to the narcopath, or if it does the target was the narc. No that isn't how it works. The narc was an adult and they were very adamant and serious about their commitment to the target and the relationship and the future together. Even when continuously scrutinized. Yes they were a good liar, a deceiver, and in the end showed the target the true meaning of treachery. It will take another person, a very different one, to teach that target the true meaning of loyalty and commitment. A different person to show that target the true meaning, value and potential of genuine love. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Summary: So let’s be clear about what’s being said here: yes there is a disease process going on in the narcopath. That disease is an abnormally low capacity for empathy coupled with an upbringing that didn’t address that issue or a child that simply wouldn’t take direction and “won the battle”, “got it their way”. Yes the parents may have just been worn down with exhaustion, or were misguided progressive parents who unwittingly created an adult who saw no need for introspection or self analysis. Yes parenting is an art and a science and things usually turn out fine, but not when the child in front of you has that low capacity to empathize.

But none of that is even the main point. The main argument is that at some stage the narc became sentient and then later became accountable for their actions and words. The narc as a living breathing human being with a mental capacity to understand and comprehend right and wrong at some point CHOSE to do wrong, because it was the natural and easy way for them. Other people with the same exact disease or deficient ability to empathize CHOSE DIFFERENTLY. Yes there may have been outside influence from parents and others, but the narc never took direction from others, good or bad, anyway. Covert narcissism is a sign and a symptom; it is the manifestation and culmination of all of the narcopath’s previous wrong choices. The constellation of behavior patterns and speech called covert narcissism may be an addiction or a “trap” that the narc is stuck in. But the narc built every bar of that jail cell and then locked themselves in. That is sad for the covert narcissist, but they will receive no help. The covert narc will never acknowledge that anything is wrong with themselves at all.

Because covert narcissism is harmful and destructive to OTHERS and it is the result of the narc’s OWN DECISIONS and “lifestyle choice” it’s NOT OK to be a covert narcissist. We fight against these creeps by exposing them and educating the public in the hopes of sparing others the destruction that will surely visit them when they are conned into a relationship with a covert narcissist. Yes, information and knowledge will make it a little harder for the narc to victimize yet another target. End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. It may well be that the majority of targets weren't attracted to a person who disrespected and abused them. The target was attracted to a person who “admired and respected them” and had much of the same likes and dislikes as they did. Only after the target made that commitment did the abuse begin and that abuse was instituted very gradually. It was the narc's ploy and their excuse that they were hardened by a poor upbringing and that is what made the target give the narc “a free pass”. Yes, the hope was that if you gave the narc enough love and tolerance they would “see the light” and become the person we saw they had the potential to be. Sadly the narc's “story of abuse” was a tried and true excuse that worked like a charm many times before. It gave the narc free license to show callous disregard for their partner's feelings. The target made many mistakes in that relationship but putting up with being a doormat in perpetuity wasn't part of the target's plan and it certainly didn't keep the target in the relationship. Children did. Family commitments did. Financial dependence purposefully created by the narcopath did. In the absence of any of the above manipulations the narc did behave until they decided to move on to the next target. In the end it was love and commitment and loyalty to a person who we felt needed us and loved us that kept the target holding out hope. But we now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. There was no end game for the narc, there was no future, there was no goal in that abuse. Yes constructive criticism can be a foundation for a future healthy relationship. But that is never what it was with a narcopath. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. Edited End Comments: “The Human Magnet Syndrome” of Ross Rosenberg may well hold true. But not for everyone. Yes there may have been something lacking, “self love deficiency”, that made the narc choose the target. Yes the target was a person who wanted to please and have approval, but that wasn't necessarily in excess. The target's dysfunctional need to please and have approval began only after the narc started complaining, having unrealistic expectations, and started making impossible demands. Yes the “hooked” target then began running “the hamster wheel” without even realizing they were on one. Yes the goalposts were always moving and the target was always “just within reach” of success. Sure. The informed target knows better now. But there is more to the story. The target may have had many “normal” relationships before the narc decided to “work their magic”. The target may have had boundaries and they may have expected to be treated with kindness and respect. Remember, the narc's boorish behavior and abuse came after the relationship was initiated. We now fully understand that it was all a game to the narc. Their love and interest in us and the things they had in common with us were fake. The person they presented themselves as was fake. The hope that target held out for was for a future that could never and would never be. So the verbal and psychological abuse was just that: abuse doled out by a creep who abused for sick pleasure. That criticism was simply formulated and fabricated by the narc to bring forth frustration and a sense of worthlessness and defeat in the target. It was abuse for the narc's pleasure and their pleasure alone. Yes it is now clear that the target's efforts were a waste of time and energy because the narc was never a serious or active participant in the relationship. The point is that the target, however dysfunctional they may have been, brought genuine effort to the table that would have served most any other relationship well. Yes the target had “the right stuff” to be a partner in a successful healthy two way relationship. So the hope is that the healed target does “give it another try” and chooses wisely. Their investment in that narc was a waste but there will be someone out there who can and will appreciate those efforts.

What Will Become of the Covert Narcissist After They Leave? What will become of the covert narcissist after they leave? Well, many a victimized target who had just about every conceivable form of abuse, fraud, and treachery committed against them has a very good idea of what they would like to happen. Yes that target has extremely strong opinions about what should happen to that narc. Mostly the target wants that narc to receive payback. The target wants the narc to experience all of the pain and suffering that that narcopath served out with such calloused indifference to other people. With interest. But what does the target observe? It seems that the narc gets off mostly scot free and is even rewarded for the evil they perpetrated. So that target has the urge to settle the score, the urge to seek vengeance. But this is the target's initial response. It is understandable. Later, the paradigm changes for the target when they have healed, especially if they have had the good fortune to rebuild and replaced all that was lost. Yes eventually the anger fades and we feel bad for these creeps. After all, nothing genuinely good will ever come of any of that narc's evil actions. They sowed the wind and that means a whirlwind will eventually head their way. But that is later. It's almost a foregone conclusion that the narc will have travail. There will be nothing the narc can do about that. That narc squandered their opportunity. But it's in the target's hands to not suffer the same fate. In the early stages of the target's awakening and realization, before that target can envisage recovery, even if that target does attempt to give the narc a dose of their own medicine, that retribution will rarely come close to the degree of damage that the narc did to them. The target would never go as low as the typical cheap and filthy narcopath, who has no boundaries. In the end anything that target does “to get even” will only serve to justify the narc's false pretense of that target being the unstable abuser. Ultimately, whatever temporary satisfaction that target gets from giving the narc a dose of their own medicine will just end up lessening the narc's culpability and debt that they owe. Yes, there are long term implications for the target if they do succeed in evening the score in the form of personal guilt and remorse. That target may well be able to unleash a psychological firestorm against the narc and get away with all of it. But there is a God and He sees all and knows all and has highly detailed knowledge of what motivated that target to behave the way they did. Yes that target was instructed by God to “stand down” and let the Almighty handle things. There are consequences to not obeying that command. So “getting away with” and succeeding in giving that narc a dose of their own medicine may give temporary satisfaction. But guilt and remorse and a fear of the Lord will carry on as long term consequences for that target. The key difference between the target and the narc during the relationship was that the target had genuine love and made a genuine commitment to the narcopath, in stark contrast to the narc, who was never serious and was only putting on an act. But long term, after the relationship ends and the target begins learning what happened to them and understanding the fraud perpetrated against them, the focus shifts to other differences between the target and that narc. Yes, we are assuming that the target actually does have empathy and does have a conscience, regardless of their belief in a higher power. But for the believer, the fear of the Lord and the awareness of His presence is the clincher that eventually means the believer is given stern warnings to “leave things be”. Yes, God does communicate with the believer, not audibly but through circumstances that govern a believer's thoughts and behavior. But that is a subject for another day. The bottom line is that the target and the narc live in two different universes, even though the narc's phony persona made the target believe there was much in common. The key difference that needs to be focused on in this discussion is conscience and remorse. No we won't be discussing the false piety of a so called religious narcopath. The narc's faith is a joke, since the narc has no more genuine belief in or respect for God than they had genuine love or respect for their partner. Instead we focus on the narc's lack of conscience and lack of feelings of remorse. The lack of those key items creates a chasm which separates imperfect people who strive to be good from people who are evil and are simply interested in making sure they preserve their own public reputation. Yes the narc's lack of conscience and remorse gives them license to do almost anything they can get away with. On the other hand, the target does have a conscience and does feel remorse and those two critical attributes weigh down the target with guilt. That governs the target's actions. How? Guilt is a painful emotion and a strong motivator. Guilt provides painful lessons that teach that target never to transgress again, because they want to avoid that guilt at all costs. Yes, the fear of having to endure the pain of guilt again is a huge deterrent. If the lessons aren't learned the first time, the situation gets worse and eventually that target “gets it”, receives the message and listens. Yes those transgressions by the target could be telling half truths, lying, or stealing just to give a few examples. Make no mistake, that target is a mere human being. They don't walk on water. Yes, some of the more minor transgressions the narc has repeatedly done throughout their lives may have been briefly contemplated or even done by a target as well. But the target learned. They thought deeply about what they did and suffered the consequences. No matter how similar the external actions of the target and the narc the big difference is in the motivations, in the internal workings of the narc's warped mind. The narc's disrespectful, haughty, self entitled false grandiosity is an attitude forged in an environment devoid of any conscience. That is why those creeps are habitual offenders, habitual abusers, habitual destroyers, habitual perpetrators. In a real sense conscience and remorse are the key items that straightened out the target's crooked ways and thought processes and attitudes. They allowed that target to learn lessons from life and mature. The abuse that the narc perpetrated and the realization of the fraud that narc committed presents the target with a huge challenge that will require every ounce of whatever maturity life has taught them. Yes that target is a human being, not a saint, and treachery at the level that narc committed against them creates a fertile environment for dark thoughts. Yes when a person we loved and trusted and would give our lives for returns all of our best intentions with unjustified evil, that creates a potentially explosive environment. Yes in the direct aftermath of the discard when that narc is gloating and jeering in tandem with their new partner most targets are blindsided. They haven't got a clue as to what kind of demon they were dealing with in that narcopath of theirs. Yes, initially the target believes that somehow that narcopath is justified in all that they are doing. But the flaw in that logic is that the target actually thinks that narc to be someone with a moral compass, a person that thinks logically and with reason. In the aftermath of the discard, that target still thought of their ex partner as someone who believed in the importance of being good and doing the right thing, regardless of how flawed they were in the execution of their intentions. But no that isn't what was going on. That partner was a narcopath and they saw nothing wrong at all with being evil. Any regard that narc had for the feelings of their ex partner was simply motivated by making a smooth transition to a new partner or preserving their public image. Away from public view, that narc and weasel partner of theirs showed their true colors, displaying a pathologically depraved lack of empathy and ruthless lack of remorse simply because they knew they could get away with it. Yes, the narc and their new partner knew they could get away with it, so why not do it. Thankfully the target's realization of the truth behind those treacherous actions comes later. Yes that revelation of the enormous scope of the fraud and treachery that narc perpetrated can conjure up demons of hostility and vengeance and a need to settle the score, but those feelings of vengeance are out of place for a person who has spent their lives heeding their conscience and trying to do the right thing. Yes those thoughts of wanting to give the narc some of their own medicine are powerful, almost overwhelming. It requires every ounce of what life has taught the target to vanquish those thoughts. Yes, that target made the decision long ago to do their best and do what was right and the narc tested the strength of those convictions. Yes the target could be forgiven for crossing the line and engaging in gaslighting and treachery and deception that would throw that narc into a tailspin, but the target might never be able to forgive themselves. Yes guilt is painful and the worse we fail in doing what is right the greater the intensity and duration of the painful consequences. But not acting on those impulses gives no immediate relief. Those benefits come later and the objective for the victimized target is to come out of the abuse with no second thoughts. Yes the goal is to disentangle ourselves and never look back at what we should or should not have done immediately after that narc committed their act of treachery and destroyed our lives. There was no logic or reason for the victim to “stand down”, it was counter-intuitive, it made no sense. There was no satisfaction in “walking away” and remaining as harmless as possible. But the long term benefits are undeniable. You can't put a price on a clean conscience. It is inestimable. It eventually allows that target to make a clean break from the past and neutralize almost all of the effects of the abuse. Don't misunderstand, that target isn't expected to be a saint. Absolutely the target should forgive themselves for not being perfect and having said and done some minor things that were in effect harmless compared to the massive destruction the narc was actively and purposefully inflicting. But when no major damage is done by that target that pays huge dividends in the target's future and has huge implications for the narc as well. Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel said it best: You can take things into your own hands, or you can leave the situation in God's hands and have a much better outcome. We will most likely never know what becomes of the narc if they have cut all ties with us, or maybe the news of their fate will come our way through no effort of our own. But in the end there will be no pleasure knowing that the narc did actually pay a heavy price and suffer deeply. It will be sad. There will be no gratification or fulfillment in knowing that the narc is suffering at all. Reports of the narc's tribulation won't be celebrated by the target, but instead that empathetic target that has healed focuses on themselves and examines their own culpability in the situation. No, that target doesn't want the responsibility of having taken part in making another person suffer or setting that person down the path of destruction. The target's actions, no matter what they were during the revelation of the narc's treachery was all about wanting to understand and wanting resolution and wanting a clean cut if that is what the narcopath wanted. But that narcopath wasn't a partner at all. That narc wasn't an advocate, they weren't on our side, they weren't on our team. That narc never loved us or cared about us, they simply used us. The narc was never actually our friend and because of their own individual treachery that narc trusted no one. That narc's jaded world view and assumption that it was a dog eat dog world meant that they never understood the real meaning or value of love and friendship. The result was the narc themselves interpreting everything through their own warped point of view. They were untrustworthy, they were no one's friend, they were treacherous and therefore they judged others to be the same as themselves. You could rightfully call that narc's extreme inability to trust others paranoia. Yes the target's actions in the face of the narc's treachery and betrayal were all about that target not wanting to believe their partner was capable of this level of malevolence. The answers were sought by the target for good reason. The target wanted to know what they had done wrong to deserve the treatment the narc gave them. The target wanted to understand and justify the narc's actions and words and behavior. The target simply wanted to make sense of things, learn and hopefully move on. The target wasn't motivated by malevolence. Yes there was incredible disappointment and anger at the betrayal. But the motivation for the target was to understand and lessen the pain caused by the seeming treachery and clear the confusion that resulted from the narc's inexplicable behavior. It was all about wanting to repair or end a relationship in a way that honored the years spent together. But the narc saw it all as a person wanting to harm them. After all the narc was always emotionally divorced from their previous partner, so when that narc decided to seek out a new partner they saw no need to expend unnecessary energy on the no longer wanted relationship. Somehow, because the narc was ready for a change of scenery that warped narco pathic freak believed, or at least made themselves believe, that the target was just as much a mercenary in that relationship as they were. Yes, because the narc was only putting on an act and was never a genuine partner they could never understand why a relationship can't be turned off like a light switch. That narc saw being a friend as simply acting like being a friend and that false pretense of being a friend to someone could be shifted to being that same person's enemy on the turn of a dime. So the narc assumed that the same was possible for the target. No that isn't how it works. Love is real, commitment is real, friendship is real and those attributes have tangible manifestations. Those attributes aren't turned off suddenly and they have great value when someone bestows them upon us. Yes the narc somehow saw wisdom in the saying “I can be your best friend or your worst enemy”. Yes that statement speaks for itself doesn't it. It's a rare display of candor by the narc even though the narc doesn't even realize it. No, if you are someone's friend, a true friend you will never be capable of being their enemy, unless they were a narcopath. Yes the narc is the exception, they deserve to be the enemy of every single person they betray. But most people aren't narco paths. Most people want to be able to live with themselves. So they go on with their lives and ultimately pity the twisted sick narcopath. It's far better than harboring resentment and anger and hostility. No we go on with our lives and seek the company of a better class of person to spend our time with. In the end we were saved from ourselves and the upgrade is very much appreciated. Yes a quality life can be lived when another person cares about us and supports us and is genuinely appreciative of us and values us for who we are. No, love, commitment, and friendship when genuine, aren't turned off like a light switch. Instead they can be relied upon and in the midst of the greatest adversity, even when two genuine partners have major disagreements. Yes love, friendship, and commitment still play a huge role when two people come to the sad conclusion that they can't make the relationship work. Yes maybe one partner wants the relationship, but they realize they will never be able to give the other partner what they are looking for, so they let go. But they were allowed the chance to meet those expectations by a partner that at least honored the commitment of that relationship. Even if the dissatisfied partner's love may have been lacking in it's strength, it was still there. But in the end no one wants to live with a partner that can't be satisfied. There can be a debate about if those expectations were realistic or not, but ultimately the partner who thinks they need to leave is allowed that freedom. Yes let that partner go on to what they see as greener pastures to their benefit or to their detriment. The key is that it isn't the problem of the partner that was left behind. For example, maybe the finances weren't enough. OK, if that is what made the partner leave so be it, that is their problem. That is on them. Lets be clear no relationship ends without pain and suffering, but the important thing is for both partners to try and dissolve things in a way that creates minimal damage. Unfortunately many relationships with two genuine partners can end in acrimony. That is just human nature. But the narcopath sets themselves apart in the way they end a relationship and in this process, the narc's lack of love, friendship and commitment become fully revealed. No it isn't normal when the person you rely on as a shelter from the harsh world suddenly becomes the person who wants to harm you in any way possible. That is rightfully called bizarre and crazy behavior. So the sane victim of this ruse by the narcopath is faced with an emotional storm of chaos and confusion and the only person who could possibly get them out of the situation is the person who has now made themselves our enemy and is gleefully watching our world fall to pieces. With their sudden new partner, no less. So under no circumstances should that target have any regrets about having sought answers. Under no circumstances should the target feel bad about having wanted to seek vengeance. Hopefully the target did the bare minimum to try to even the score. Maybe there was no wisdom and no satisfaction in walking away at the time. We couldn't see any of the benefits at the time. We saw only our own pain and the destruction that narc caused. We saw only that narc's incredible arrogance and treachery. That narc seemed bulletproof, and being that they never loved us they had nothing “to get over”, did they? Yes that narc got their new relationship immediately, no looking back, no obligation whatsoever to the partner they spent years with and faked the planning of the rest of their lives with. But that was then. What about that narco paths situation years later? Well for the target it may well be unknown, but more importantly it is irrelevant. Yes the target moved on and has only their own role in that relationship to think about. Yes that target made the mistake of having a relationship with a narcopath and being unaware. But the target forgives themselves and hopes that God forgives them as well. Premarital sex, which is now the norm, creates great risk. Many people, even in the face of not waiting for marriage do get lucky and meet a good partner, but those unfortunate enough to have encountered a narc need to think twice before they ever break that rule set up by God for a reason. Yes the target was punished, especially if they believed themselves to be a Christian. But even the secular target would have been well served to “take it slow”, because no covert narc will want to delay gratification and that means we are free of those covert creeps before we ever make ourselves fully vulnerable to them. Yes that narc wasted years of our lives, years that we could have taken to cultivate a relationship with a genuine partner who saw something special in us and was more than willing to delay gratification. Yes, the target may well have found themselves again and put themselves back together, and that has made the narc's fate a moot point. But there was love for that person, there is a responsibility felt for that person simply because the target did invest themselves and try to have a positive impact. That target in the end will not be celebrating the adversity of the narcopath, they will instead hope that they didn't have any part in sending the narc down that path of destruction. That is where the “not acting in kind” steps in. Knowing that we didn't seek to add to that narc's misery at a time when our emotions told us to serve retribution will be a great source of comfort and justify our own current belief that we deserve a new healthy relationship. In addition, we remember that we never stopped caring while in the relationship with the narcopath. We tried to inspire them. We tried to be a positive force. We tried to point out and make the narc aware of a life that didn't need to be lived in the darkness and shadows. We took a deep interest in that flawed and injured person and tried to make a difference. Yes it's sad when a narc finally hits that brick wall and their world is destroyed in the same way they actively destroyed the world of other people. But the narc did that to themselves. They had it all. They had stability and love and a real tangible bright future with a person who would have accepted them for who and what they were. They had respect and they were actually, despite their lack of genuine intentions, making a real difference. No they will never reach the heights or recreate what they had in the past and that alone will gnaw at them. Such is the fate of a narc who ran out of second chances, played a bad hand and had their bluff called. Then payment was due. A person who is on the downturn, growing older and becoming lesser as every day goes by. Well that narc's actions against us are a millstone around their neck, one of dozens of millstones they have accumulated during the course of their lives. Your retribution in the aftermath of the treachery would have lightened that narc's load. The narc acting like a human being and treating the discarded partner with respect and giving closure would have lightened their load. Yes giving retribution would have produced some relief and satisfaction, but that would have been short lived. Not giving retribution at the time gives huge benefits to the target years later. Let's be clear and repeat: There was nothing wrong with standing up for ourselves and acting in our own defense. There was nothing wrong, in the midst of the incredible treachery and abuse for drawing and enforcing a “red line” that would not be crossed by the narc or their weasel partner. No regrets for that. Yes standing up to people who capitalized on and took advantage of your misfortune and vulnerability after incredible emotional abuse was the one thing that needed to be done to get yourself back. But that wasn't retribution, it was self defense and putting an end to the abuse. It was standing up for yourself. It was the beginning of your awakening. To covert narcissism. It was the beginning of getting all of the incredibly important answers that would eventually lead to your full recovery. So what will become of the narc after their departure? Do you really think that creep will ever be happy and content and find true love? Do you really think that no matter where they live, how much money they have, how many possessions they have, no matter where they live they will ever have inner peace? They robbed the target of everything and now that narc thinks they deserve all of the good things this world has to offer. But is that realistic? After all that they did and walked away from? Yes we here about the criminals, ranging from white collar Ponzi schemers to low life thugs living off of their ill gotten gains, but are these people icons of success? Only on the outside. Of course we know that eventually most of these creeps do get caught. So will the narc...eventually. The narc knows that and is always “looking over their shoulders”. Mostly for what they might call “Karma”, since the targets have moved on. But the narc is paranoid and maybe even rightfully so, because those millstones are a weight upon them. Yes paranoia may well eventually slowly destroy that narc no matter what there financial status, where they live, or who they are with. You were there for the narc, you were ready to forgive. You were ready to send them off with the hopes that they would finally be happy, despite your own disappointment and anger. You wanted resolution for yourself and what the narc never saw is that you wanted resolution for them as well. Yes that narc may have found happiness, joy, peace and contentment if THEY did the right thing. But they didn't. Hopefully the target did the best they could to do what was right and that means the target has the possibility of true joy, happiness, peace and contentment. So that target, if they play their cards right and don't seek retribution will have no second thoughts. They won't be second guessing themselves or be plagued by a guilty conscience and pangs of remorse. They will feel no responsibility whatsoever for what becomes of that narc, no matter how sad the outcome, or how good for that matter. The narc made their decision and there was no stopping them. They made their bed and now they sleep in it. That narc is looking over their shoulders even though the target will never be there, but the consequences of evil actions will. The target is off the hook because they were ready to take responsibility, ready to resolve the issues and allow both partners to move on. But the narc had a different way of handling the situation and because of that has those millstones around their neck. Baggage that they take with them wherever they go. They always talked about carrying around other people's baggage. Sure. That narc never had the capacity to carry other people's burdens and baggage. They have way too much of their own. The phony narc only pretended to be carrying other people's baggage, when in reality they were abusing, stealing, lying, cheating, victimizing, and only pretending to be a loyal friend and partner who cared and carried our burdens. Yes they call the problems normal people face that can be benefited by a partner's assistance baggage. No matter. The narc was only ever in it for themselves. They carried nothing for no one with the exception of the support they gave their own children. We will give them that and only that. But even that was in its own way selfish, and not at the level it could have been. So good luck to the narc. Their fate is not our problem or concern. But a healed target will be saddened by that narc's adversity and misfortune anyway. If the narc is doing well, fine. Maybe they changed, as unlikely as that is. Either way the target will never feel responsibility for the bad or take credit for the good in the narc's future life, because the narc did things in a way that took everything out of that target's hands. The healed target has erased that narc and gets no benefit out of revisiting that painful past with the narcopath and therefore would prefer never to know any details whatsoever. No, that narc's misery gives the target no pleasure and their so called happiness and success is just fine with that target. Good for the narc. But the real world doesn't reward evil creeps forever and hopefully that narc has finally sobered up and realized they are out of second chances. Yes good luck to them. Remember this: When the thought of that narc and the relationship with them makes you nearly sick to your stomach, you know you have made huge progress. When the mere thought of that narc makes you immediately switch to another thought, on any other subject, you are close to fully healed. Yes, we dwell on things that make us happy and hopeful and give us faith in life and in the future and the thought of that narc just sucks all of the light and energy right out of our lives. We don't need that. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. Published End Comments: There are people in this world that have dedicated themselves to being arrogant boastful sacks of filth. They never learn, they never reform, they never change. Instead they double down. They see their arrogance as self confidence and something for others to respect and admire when in reality this attitude stinks to high heaven and is anything but admirable. They mock what is good and because they have no seeming repercussions their evil continually increases. They seem untouchable and it’s hard to imagine that people can go through life and never be humbled . Nevertheless those people do exist.

The average person wants no part of these creeps and actively avoids any relationship with them whatsoever. But when the covert narcissist entered our lives we had no idea we were doing just that: bringing a malevolent wrongdoer into our lives and allowing them full access to all that we were and all that we owned.
No more. We have no obligation to try to communicate with these people or try to do anything at all to help them because we’ve already gone down that road and saw that it made no difference.
Yes the target has every right to move on and never look back. The target has every right to genuine relationship with a quality person. No regrets. That genuine relationship will restore the target's faith in the human race minute by minute, day by day.

It isn’t our responsibility to help someone who doesn’t want help, even though we see that they’re destroying themselves. Yes the covert narcissist is a loser regardless of their financial and social success. But they’ll find that out later because, of course, nothing we ever told them had any impact on them whatsoever. Yes evil people exist. The target learned that. But good people exist as well and the right partner will confirm that without a doubt. Original End Comments: Remember that although the target might have contemplated doing some of the minor things that a covert narcissist actually did, the majority of what that narc has done in their life is something the average person would have never even given consideration to. Yes, most of the evil that a covert narcissist does is the product of their uniquely warped brain. That distorted thought process has environmental and genetic causes, but ultimately it is the choices the narc made themselves that created the person we encounter that we view as a sane adult.

That narc may well be a victim of a poor childhood environment. Yes either neglect or excessive unmerited praise could have warped that narc's world view and magnified that narc's sense of entitlement along with excessive expectations of having things their own way. That narc may have been born with a low capacity to feel guilt or remorse or empathy and no we can't blame someone for their genetics. But that the narc is fully responsible for what they did with the poor hand they were dealt.
You could say there is a fork in the road at a certain point in some people's lives and at that juncture those people need to decide if they will continue to do the wrong thing or make a decision to do the right thing instead. Yes even the most reprobate covert narcissist was a child once and did have at least some innocence. At every juncture that narc decided to do what was wrong and those poor decisions destroyed whatever small amount of conscience that the narc was born with. But more importantly the destruction of that conscience took that narc down the path to increasingly more corrupt, degenerate, and debased behavior. Every transgression made the next greater transgression easier to do without a second thought. Every lie made the next greater lie easier to construct and maintain. Those immoral and profligate behaviors and attitudes created an internal mental environment that aided and abetted every other form of new debauchery. So in the end that narc that narc created themselves. Things could have been different. Yes if you could look back to the covert narcissist's childhood you would see multiple instances where the narc not only had the opportunity to do the right thing, it would have been easy for them to do the right thing. Yes there were multiple chances to change the course of their destiny and at each and every opportunity that narc actively decided to do wrong. Because they could and could get away with it. Yes that is sick, but in the end the narc victimized themselves and created the monster that they became. That narc never understood that progressing in and cultivating a life of evil and depravity is not the same as becoming mature. Yes the covert narcissist in their twisted mind equates advanced levels lying, gaslighting, treachery, deceit and theft as maturity. But the average person intuitively understands that being able to get away with evil behavior is hardly mature, but instead is a sign of immaturity.

Maturity is just the opposite of the narc's vision, it’s having restraint, it’s being kind to someone who doesn’t even deserve it, it’s doing the right thing when the temptation to do the wrong thing is incredibly strong. Yes, just about every time that narc had a choice, they made the wrong one. Sadly when the narc did make the right choice by mistake, they sabotaged it. Yes that narc not only created themselves, they created the situations that they ended up havin to live with.