A True Covert Narcissist Can't and Won't Ever Reform: The true covert narcissist is a lost cause. The notion that these people can actually ever understand the concept and value of empathy or ever have a conscience is simply wishful thinking. Every person they target that does believe in the honor and the value of these people, that believes that veneer on the covert narc's surface, ends up getting burned in the end. A person committed to a relationship with a covert narcissist in which the narc has no interest in leaving ends up being placed on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs laden with lies and broken promises and has to put up with their partner's bizarre self serving interpretation of reality. Every earnest effort by the target to stabilize things eventually ends up getting nowhere. Yes the hamster wheel that the target never wanted to be on and never can get off of, the constant moving of the goalposts, the endless complaining and discontentment of someone who can and never will be, and now we understand never wanted to be satisfied. All of this ends up wearing any sane person down. But the gaslighting then takes things to a new level and if the narc has their own way, the target will slowly lose themselves and their perception of reality. The line is often drawn when the narc's gaslighting is so obvious that the well meaning target actually wants to try to make the covert narc see where and how they are in error. Sadly the narc continues on trying to deceive and the target being unaware of the true nature of the beast in their presence continues to try to make the narc aware of their error. This effort is made again and again since the target feels obligated to be supportive. So it should be made clear that it's a false assumption that every target that stays with a covert narcissist is unaware of the lies and manipulation. No these targets simply can't conceive of the concept that a person such as a covert narcissist actually exists, let alone that their partner is one of these devils. Yes that target, as a result of the natural function of their love and commitment, holds on and tries to “make it work” in an environment that invariably becomes increasingly harsher as the years role by. Numerous examples can be given of the living hell the covert narc puts their targets through, but one example might suffice. Think of the philanderer who has a secret life right under their partner's nose for years on end. Is that how the disloyalty started? Is that the first incident of unfaithfulness? No the narc in their early days of inexperience was easily caught and if they lived in a tightly knit community their infidelity and numerous trysts became common knowledge to seemingly everyone but the target, who was busy supporting the narc financially. Conversely the “hard working” bread winner would use their “late night projects that needed immediate completion” as ready excuses for gaining a few hours of private time. Yes in the beginning the narc was as of yet inexperienced in the execution of their disloyalty and treachery. So they got caught and then promised never to do it again. In reality, they refined their craft and “did it again”. Then they got caught again, and the cycle repeated. Eventually some partners gave up and a mutual agreement was made to part ways. Yes love has it's limits and when the hope for change has met the harshness of reality too many times a target wakes up and gives up on the narc. Yes you can struggle with that covert narc, reason with them, love them and return kindness for the evil they perpetrate and it makes no difference. Pronouncements by the narc of being “reformed” and “changed” and even an admission of “being wrong” are empty words simply designed to continue the abuse in a more stealthy manner until that is also detected by the narc's partner. Every minute of interaction with a covert narcissist is abuse in one form or another. The narc lies continually, misrepresents all of the time and is always seeking to manipulate. They can't help themselves. The thing that strings along the target and makes them put up with all of this craziness is the belief that the narc is simply a flawed person that is basically “good on the inside”. No. The narc, for lack of a more concise word, is evil on the inside. You could make the argument that despite all of the narc's flaws they could be “tamed” and made manageable by a person who understands covert narcissism. Yes that is possible, but to make that work you are no longer in a genuine relationship with the narc, you are simply manipulating them and gaslighting them into staying in a synthetic relationship. That type of dynamic means the target has to become a dysfunctional narcopath themselves. A sane person who believes in love gets no pleasure out of being an emotional jail keeper. Yes a narc can be tricked into a relationship and a marriage and stay with someone for decades. The key is that the jail keeper of that narc, a greater covert narcissist than the lesser covert narc themselves, was more adept at manipulation and used financial dependence, emotional extortion, depraved indifference and denigration to manipulate that narc into a long term relationship. But one thing the greater narc could never prevent was the lesser narc's philandering. So even the greater narc eventually gets worn down by the lesser narc that they have “captured and restrained”. No there is no value for anyone in trying to hold on to a narcopath. Let them go. Heal yourself. Never look back. They can't change because they don't want to change. But the reality goes far deeper than that. We are using terms that really apply to normal people. Yes many a normal person can become addicted, lie, cheat, and steal. Many a normal person can have affairs and even more than one. But a normal person despite their actions will have feelings of guilt and remorse and that makes all of the difference. Yes that infidelity may well be coming from someone who once genuinely loved us and made a genuine commitment. Those circumstances make it more of a possibility that a relationship that was once genuinely great could be salvaged. However multiple episodes of bad behavior coming from anyone eventually means enough is enough. Yes even people who do love can become a “lost cause”. But that is describing the dynamics that occur with an average person not a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is fundamentally different, and expecting them to change is unrealistic because the lies, the duplicity, the fraudulent presentation of who they are and what they like and dislike is literally an integral part of their persona, their “being”. What we consider “change” can be easily done by the narc, but that is simply altering the existing fake persona. It isn't real change at all since the very foundation of who and what we think the covert narcissist is, is fake and phony to begin with. The target, even after years of being in a relationship with a narcopath may still be clueless as to the true dynamic of that association, so the concept of “fixing” the relationship and “reforming” the narcissist are still very much considered feasible. Only months and years of studying and drilling the concept of covert narcissism into our conscience begins to make covert narcissism something discernible, something understandable, something possible, and more importantly something that we, the target, can accept that we have actually experienced first hand. So here is the stark reality of a covert narcissist, and to bring home the point we could engage in some story telling, creating a metaphor or a parable based on a real experience. Instead, let's just give an “opinion” of what is going on with a narcissist based on study, observation, experience, and contemplation. Just the raw facts to save time. The narc is a predator plain and simple. They don't love anyone or anything. They will never resist the opportunity to take advantage of a person that isn't wise to the depths of depravity the human race and covert narcissists in particular are capable of. Yes when you take away all conscience and guilt and place that into a game playing narcopath you have in front of you someone who will do and say whatever it takes to get a relationship. These creeps will knowingly make a lifetime commitment to someone they simply want the pleasure of deceiving. For a narc it's never about love, it's always about being able to deceive and get away with the deception. It's all about being able to manipulate. For a narc it's all about making their fake persona work and a fake future believable to the target. Yes take away any concern for the damage you do to a person and the potential promises made and sincerity feigned become endless. The narc has their “template”: mirroring, idealization, devaluation, discard, new relationship. The narc follows that template each and every time they engage in their deceptive practice of making someone believe that they, the narc want a relationship. It is always temporary for the narc: the relationship, the persona, the job, the home. Yes everything is simply temporary because the narc is too good for any situation they ever find themselves in. The narc is always actively looking for a better situation and will do anything necessary to make that new situation work. Loyalty commitment and love are simply meaningless phrases to a narc. So look at things from the standpoint of the narc. They find the whole concepts of “change” and “reform” to be ridiculous notions that they simply need to pretend that they believe in if that target still offers something they aren't yet ready to discard. Yes the narc will promise to change but those words aren't generated by genuine guilt or remorse. Those words of being “sorry” are simply posturing and or manipulation. The uninformed target wants and maybe even needs those words of the narc wanting to reform to be genuine. Think of the mother with a child dependent on one of these cretins. Yes for a narc it is always temporary but that doesn't stop them from getting married and it doesn't preclude the narc from living with someone for decades. But in the end it doesn't really matter how long that narc stays in a relationship, there is no love, there is no commitment, there is no bond or obligation or loyalty. As long as the narc sees an advantage for themselves and no better opportunity available, they will stay in the relationship. Yes, to a spouse or to a partner that may appear to mean that the narc is “someone who is very difficult but loyal and devoted”. To the target it may appear that the narc “does love, but can't show it”. No. That's not it. The narc is simply out of other, more advantageous options. But they do have a “Plan B”. It's just that their present partner is better than “Plan B”. Yes as long as the value of the relationship exceeds the value of “Plan B”, the narc is “loyal”. Try and change or reform that. Yes the incredible damage these covert creeps do to the target is incomprehensible and many times that damage done even would have been unnecessary. But what does the narc care. It isn't their problem or concern. But days previous that narc was the same “loving” partner they had been for years. How could they suddenly have a new partner and become so callous? Because they never loved, cared or were loyal in the first place. Yes the newly discarded target is still in the belief that the narc was a genuine human being who cared and is baffled and shocked by the narc's bizarre behavior. The pathway for that target is to fully comprehend what covert narcissism is and fully understand and believe that covert narcissism exists and in fact happened to them. That is the way out for the target, the road back to sanity and peace. Reforming a congenital perpetrator that is evil at their core is only seen as the fool's errand that it is when that target understands covert narcissism. Only then can the emotional damage be repaired and life go on. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. End Comments: (Used in video) The target that witnessed a sudden discard by a narcopath coupled with a dramatic shift of the narc's loyalties to what the target considered a complete stranger received all of the information about the narc and the relationship with that creep that they would ever need to know. Someone who can turn off their loyalties and proclaimed love and planned future like a light switch in fact never loved or was committed or ever even cared about the person they targeted. The healing process of the target involved coming to grips with this harsh and unbelievable reality. Who can believe that years of their lives were based on a lie, a scam, a hoax? That narc had no justification or right to do this to the target. But the narc's bloodlust meant they took no prisoners and literally didn't care what damage was done to the target or if that target even survived the assault. Sadly some of these narcopaths actually feed on the additional misery they can cause a partner after the discard. So yes the message about what type of creature the target engaged with is very clearly presented in a matter of hours or days and occasionally over the course of a few additional weeks. Then the long undertaking of processing and healing and gaining insight occurs. At the end of this task the target learns to turn that narc off like a light switch as well. That “turning off” is justified, healthy, and necessary for that target to live a life free of toxicity and with a preponderance of peace and hope. The point of that light switch is that when the residual damage done by the narc in the form of toxic emotions come out on the surface, that light switch needs to be turned on and that nightmare of a relationship has to be revisited to understand and work on the problem. The target learned nothing at all from the narc and emulating the narc's denial or the pretense that “everything is OK” doesn't work for honest people and in fact will never even work for the crooked narcopath no matter how well they practice their own self deception. But that is the narc's problem not ours. We tried. We cared. We loved. We were genuine. No amount of love or concern or belief in these creeps made an iota of difference. Now we are off the hook. End Comments: (Unused) When the covert narcissist abruptly left the relationship without explanation, that discard came as mostly a total surprise to the target. No answers were given. No contact was instituted. Yes, that narc turned off the relationship like a light switch. So the target almost took it for granted that they had somehow failed in the relationship in a major way. The target was convinced that there was a logical explanation and they needed to know where they were in error. There would be no answers coming. But then at least one clue came. The narc had a new partner and the shocking part of it was the intimacy they shared with this person. How on earth could that narc totally shift their loyalty from you to what appeared to be a stranger that came out of nowhere in a few short weeks? Well the target did find out about covert narcissism and got their answers. That narc was living a double and possibly triple and quadruple life right under the target's nose. So that is how the narc turned off the relationship and never looked back. The detection of that new partner produced a slew of accusations against the target as the narc and their new partner decided to strengthen their bond by verbally tearing the target to shreds on social media in addition to making threats. But the target later realized that the bizarre phenomenon of projection, blaming someone for the things you yourself did to them, was real and that revelation gave that target even more answers as to what that narc's internal motivations were in the relationship. Yes the narc accused the target of being disloyal and not committed and went into many other details on social media and that narc unwittingly gave away so many more of their misdeeds when they projected them onto the target. So that abrupt departure did have an explanation in the end: that covert narc was simply discarding the fake persona and relationship that they had with the target and walking into a new, already constructed preexisting new persona and new relationship. Yes, the narc simply threw away the old, forgot about it in it’s entirety and went on with a new existence.

Due to the damage done by the narc, the target will take many years and possibly decades to be able to turn that narcopath off like a light switch. But that is precisely what the healed target can and needs to do: they need to be able to turn off that narcopath and all of the toxicity and only revisit that sad chapter of their lives as needed. Yes, occasionally that light switch has to be turned on when issues crop up that are the result of the abuse and damge the narc did to the target.

No the target can't pretend the relationship never happened but they also don't need to dwell on it. So the memories are turned on when things have to be worked on, then those memories are walled off. Being able to turn that narc off means there is no bitterness or resentment or anger or need for vengeance. When you turn off the narc you turn on a light in your life. You get a breath of fresh air. You get your life back in it's entirety. You see that narc for what they are: toxic and erosive of anything that had meaning, substance and value. That narc was a waste of your time and a waste of your life.