4 Years and Counting: Dealing with the Aftermath of a Covert Narcissist Introduction: How long does it take to recover, to get yourself back, to get back stability in your life after a covert narcissist has “worked their magic”, their wicked magic, upon your life? It would take a whole video possibly spanning 30 minutes or more to begin looking at all of the different variables. Narcs may be all the same as far as the patterns they follow, but in the end each narc is still an individual and each target is an individual as well. Add in all of the different scenarios that come to play in the genesis and final ending of that relationship and it becomes clear there is no one answer. Some of the commenters in the past who had been kind enough to share their personal experiences reported that once they were certain that they were dealing with a covert narcissist and knew for sure what and who they were dealing with, they simply walked away and went on with their lives in short order. Yes it still took time to “deprogram” and “shake the dust off of their feet” but that narcopath would not be allowed to have any long term impact. Other targets were placed in ridiculous situations and had such severe deception, fraud, treachery, betrayal and manipulation perpetrated against them, that a decade or more was required to even begin to find themselves and gain stability. We haven't even mentioned the poor souls who were married to and raised a family with one of these incontinent creeps. Yes when children are involved and a marriage is involved a target who takes seriously their obligations feels compelled to try and make things work and when those efforts are then even further taken advantage of by the narcopath, the damage is severe. Of course the narc will eventually leave for greener pastures, avoiding most of the repercussions of their depraved game playing masquerading as a genuine relationship. Yes it will take time for that target to even realize that what they viewed as and believed was a committed relationship was actually a fraud and a con job from day one. So there is not one answer as to how long it will take for someone to recover from the abuse of a narcopath and no single outsider has the right to judge. With that in mind let's proceed to the video which is based on the experiences of one person who was targeted by a covert narcissist. 4 Years and Counting: Dealing with the Aftermath of a Covert Narcissist: Time and time again people feel the need to be “helpful” and try to remind the former victim of a covert narcissist that much time has passed since that covert creep left the scene. Yes, it was a scene alright, the scene of a crime. The outsider perceives things differently. The vast majority of outsiders can only believe that the target was simply in a bad relationship that ended in a catastrophe. Yes the actual details, the actual dynamics at play in that so called relationship with a narcopath are inconceivable to the average person. In fact the reality of the relationship was even inconceivable to the target at the time of discard, when the narc decided to engage in their prearranged and choreographed exit plan with a new life and partner fully planned and conceived as that narc's happy ending. Yes, in the end stages of the no longer valued relationship, when the culmination of that sick creep's plans was keenly and excitedly anticipated, the narc's adrenaline level rose to the point of euphoria. Yes their long laid plans would finally come to fruition. Yes tangible results were right around the corner and the damsel in distress or misunderstood rebel would soon be saved by a new relationship. Yes the cunning narc had for a long time covertly and carefully leveraged the situations in the previous relationship to suit themselves. The narc had catered things to themselves so completely, to such and extent, that they felt fully entitled and justified to be a perpetrator while at the same time pleading victim status to anyone outside of the actual private workings of the relationship with the target. Yes this was not the narc's first rodeo, they had been through the sequence of mirroring, idealization, devaluation and discard many times before. Part and parcel of the narc's refined final exit plan was the denigration and devaluation of the target all along the path of their wicked yellow brick road. Every single step that narc took along the way to their new persona and new relationship they slowly but surely, calculatingly and methodically burned their previous existence to the ground and bled the soon to be ex partner dry of every usable bit of energy. But the bewildered target was clueless, believing in their heart that the narcopath was actually a serious partner addressing legitimate concerns that had genuine impact on the future of the relationship. So the target took the abuse, thinking it to be constructive criticism. No, that wasn't it. Only later did the target understand this was a sick, warped creep with no conscience or regard for anyone but themselves playing a game, pretending, leveraging. Yes that covert creep had ulterior motives in that abuse and it was all about feeling powerful and in control and almost god like at another person's expense. Yes the narc verbally and in some cases formally, in the form of marriage, made a commitment to be there in sickness and in health, but those were all empty words and commitments that were made because the narc saw gain for themselves that outweighed their investment. The only exception to this rule is when a lesser covert narc is manipulated by a greater one. Yes sometimes narcs feed on their own kind. You see this when a balding fat narcopathic freak of average means ends up entrapping an overconfident beautiful female narc who thinks she is street wise. The predatory female version of this exists as well. Yes a whole video could be made on how to use the narc's mental illness against them. To be a “better” narc than the narc themselves. But what would be the point? Corrupt behavior is something we want to avoid, not emulate. The cost of doing this to a narc would be the loss of our own humanity. No, let's just give people the tools to detect and avoid covert narcissists. Let's just concentrate on repairing the damage. That is all that is needed. But back to the theme of what occurs in the period directly before a narc's departure, when they can almost palpably feel that new relationship and lifestyle and persona taking form and substance. A time when the old has yet to be fully destroyed and the new is just beginning to be “born”. A time when the target is totally unaware of what is going on and is fully convinced they are still in a relationship, even though they sense the narc is “slowly slipping away”. Unbeknownst to the target they are the only person in that relationship who ever made a genuine investment, who ever actually had skin in the game. So the target, with that emotional investment, does everything in their power to make things work, to satisfy the narc's demands. But in hindsight, we now know this was simply the narc getting pleasure out of manipulating another human being while at the same time building a rock solid case and justification for the new relationship they were planning right under the target's nose. The closer the narc was to realizing this new future, the greater the abuse they directed to the no longer wanted target. After all in the narc's sick mind they would never have to face the consequences or repercussions for their foul behavior, since they would be in another relationship by the time those consequences were felt. So the mental and emotional abuse intensified and in some cases progressed to other areas of abuse. Then when that date certain was planned, the narc went to the next level and theft occurred. That theft would only be found out later by the target, and the mere thought of the future chagrin and consternation this would cause the target sent a thrill up the narc's leg. On the other hand, the outright overt disloyalty that was purposefully perpetrated right in front of the target and in the same instance totally denied by the narc was done for the narc's immediate satisfaction. Yes the gaslighting was now to a point where it was occurring in real time. In the author's experience, the narc literally flirted with and lingeringly touched the hand of a complete stranger right in front of the target and not 10 minutes later pretended the event never occurred. To continue on with the autobiographical, in the end that narc pushed the target to the limit and then felt fully justified in walking out of the door abruptly. No need for explanations. It should be understandable that this left the target bewildered and in need of making sense of things. For the crime of actually confiding in a friend about the incredible and unbelievable behavior of the narc, the narc made a return days later. That narc threatened the target and their family in every way and made a credible threat on the target's life. Through proxies. They then, under a totally false lying pretense began physically assaulting the target and the target never lifted a hand, being made to believe they deserved the abuse. No they didn't, by the way. Yes more threats followed on the narc's hallowed social site and were now also being made by and ignorant arrogant creep who was the narc's sudden new partner. A fool who was spoon fed one lie after another by the narc and believed it all. A clown who never even met the target. A person who talked big then ran to the police when he was called on for a face to face meeting. Yes the target did get themselves back, but it was everything in between that initial departure by the narc, who was at the time seen as a normal human being, and the eventual recovery of the target that caused the major portion of the personal economic damage. The bulk of the psychological abuse and damage was perpetrated during the course of the actual relationship and that “hook” was then used by the narc to inflict additional psychological pain once the narc was in the devaluation and discard phase. Yes the abuse in the active relationship was subtle, and introduced major toxicity into the target's life, but that toxicity was by design covert and not detected and in that sense allowed the target to continue functioning. Yes the target was functional while in the relationship with the narcopath, but the function was gradually and imperceptibly being replaced by dysfunction. That relationship abuse was damaging in the sense that it created a surreal world for the target and warped the image they had of themselves and of the outside world. For a businessman the decline in revenues tells the real story, the story of someone who was being slowly destroyed and undermined piece by piece without ever even knowing what was going on. Yes, in a very real sense the psychological abuse, as terrible and all encompassing and damaging as it was, was still only fifty percent of the equation. Yes, when the narc was in the relationship, it was in their own interest to keep the target viable enough to provide a stable relationship and that allowed the target to make a living. But once the narc no longer depended on the target, all bets were off. Yes the covert narcissist who no longer has any need of the target shows their true nature, the true depth of their depraved calloused indifference to the target that they purportedly “loved” and “committed the rest of their lives to”. Yes in my case the damage by that narc that made the biggest difference to my ongoing economic existence amounted to less than 5 hours in total. The “mask” was partially dropped over the course of 3 hours of what I now see as serendipity. Yes a sequence of events that could never be accounted for by random chance alone allowed me to get a clear glimpse of the hideous creature behind that mask. That demon then unleashed and focused the full forces of her depraved wicked rotten core in a campaign to destroy me. Those threats nearly took me to the edge and in the end set off a chain reaction that put me in one of the most precarious situations a person could be put into. That struggle has been ongoing for 4 years and it stares me in the face day after day. Yes there is hope. Yes, I am healed psychologically. But there is more to the story and the details can't and won't be made public. That struggle means that the covert narc is still “with me”. I want that narc gone and I work each and every day to wipe away the damage that the creep did to me. To get back everything she took. But there are no guarantees. Only a degree of uncertainty and instability that I have absolutely no control over. It has yet to be determined if I become fully restored. I must leave things in God's hands. Yes I blame myself for having gotten involved with that creep, but make no mistake, that devil has much to answer for. However, they don't answer to me. It's out of my hands. They answer to God. When in the midst of the travail I often times think to myself the narc would never be able to tolerate the emotional distress and hopelessness, the pain and suffering their actions have caused me. But I can't imagine they haven't had some repercussions themselves and in the midst of that distress I hope that they never have to experience the pain and suffering they have caused me that are the direct results of their calloused indifference. But the reality is that narc has much to answer for and whatever mistakes I made that I am now paying for, that narc has made exponentially larger and more grievous mistakes. So it follows they will have exponentially greater suffering... and pain. Good luck to them, and I mean that sincerely. I never want to hear from, or see that person again. I have no interest in knowing anything about them, where they are or what they are doing or who they are doing it with. So yes: “Still”. Not by choice, but necessity. “Still”. Because even though much healing has taken place there is still more healing to do, more things to work out. But in addition the greatest portion of the current struggle is getting myself back on a firm financial footing. For the most part that person is gone from my active thoughts, but the repercussions of that creep's actions make it an almost impossibility to not think of that wicked narcopath on occasion. Yes there is still occasional anger and times when I want to see her suffer. There are times when I pray for her well being because it is inconceivable that the situation she set up didn't also severely damage her. There are still those moments when I want everything back that was taken from me, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, that includes her. But those are very brief moments. The focus is on rebuilding and keeping a positive attitude. Yes the narc created a void and that “void” will be filled by something and someone far superior. I already have assurance of that. Patience has to be learned and it will hopefully pay off. I have higher expectations of the people that surround me now. I have higher expectations of myself. Yes healing has taken place, but there is much uncertainty and until stability is achieved the aftereffects of that narcopathic relationship stare the target in the face and have emotional impact of varying intensity every single day. Things that can't be avoided an have to be lived with. Yes dealing with the aftereffects of a narc even 4 years later is still a reality that can't be avoided. Departing from the personal and getting back to the general it is important to emphasize to the viewer that the situation isn't as dreary as it sounds. There is plenty of hope for the target once they find themselves and get themselves straightened out. Just the knowledge and understanding of what an incredible destructive toxic mess that narcopathic relationship was when seen with a clear mind means that the target considers themselves incredibly lucky to be rid of the covert narcissist. Yes that good fortune came at a price since the narc's treacherous damaging vandalism destroyed nearly everything. But it didn't destroy the target. That healed target will have gone through a trial by fire and emerged stronger and more confident and more aware than they ever were before. That has value. Yes there is the potential for the target to receive great blessings and great rewards and personally witness an actual conversion of that narc's malevolent evil to good in their lives. Some targets have the good fortune of having friends and relatives that provide a supportive environment that aids the healing process. Other targets may have to mostly “go it alone”. But no target will be able to fully emerge from the pall, the gloom that envelopes them without some help from outsiders. Even if those outsiders are people who produce social media. On a personal note, when all is said and done, I would have to say the bulk of my own healing came from watching YouTube videos. To briefly continue the personal narrative, those great rewards spoken of above were real for me and they didn't come without expending energy and focusing that energy on the recovery process. Pain is a great motivator and sharpens your focus. Yes, those rewards were and continue to be earned by daily effort and a daily struggle that is an absolute necessity in the journey to get back something that resembles a real life. But it would be erroneous not to acknowledge the great help of those new people that now surround me and can be depended upon. So what about the narc? That narc will be a perpetual felon. That narc in perpetuity will be someone who physically and psychologically and mentally abused their partners. Yes, the trademark statement of a lowlife wife beater is: “Why do you always make me hit you?” In the same exact spirit these selfish psychopathic lowlife covert narcissists are so self centered they actually believe “it is the victim's fault”. These cretins actually believe their physical abuse was justified. NO. Not so. Sadly, many a victim will actually believe they deserved that physical abuse. NO, they did not. That physical abuser will never be able to erase or walk away from who they are or what they did. That abuser “went there”. They have tattooed themselves in perpetuity with the label of Physical Abuser. That fact can't ever be lied away. No amount of public charity will make any difference at all. They own the label and it owns them. That narc will always be someone who lied to their partners, who cheated on them, who broke their word and their promise, and who is a Physical Abuser. As well as a thief, even though that transgression pales in comparison to the rest of the narc's “crimes”. That narc showed themselves to have never cared or loved and they proved that multiple times in multiple relationships. That narc showed themselves to be a habitual user and abuser of people with many people victimized. Did the narc know what they were doing was wrong? Of course they did. Why else would they deny everything that they did while in the relationship. They don't ever want anyone to know the real creep that lies behind the mask of that phony facade of theirs. The so called “humanitarian”. Yes only a “chosen few” get the pleasure of knowing who and what that narcopath is really all about. Yes “Still”, but NOT forever for the target. That can't be said for the narc. That narc will “Still” be a physical abuser, a liar, a cheater and a thief for as long as they live and beyond. Why? Because they refused to acknowledge that they have done anything wrong. They “erase” the memory, conveniently “forgetting”, or double down on the justification of their actions using their age old ploy of projection. Blaming the target for what they themselves are guilty of. Both of those options are a “no go”. There is only one way out: Jesus. He will remove the narc's liability just as He can restore the target. Those two items aren't coupled. The narc and the target are separate entities. So, thankfully the narc's liability can be removed without the target ever having to see that narc again. It's between the narc and God in the same way that it's between the target and God. Yes, the target will heal and learn and hopefully do better in the future. The narc, on the other hand will most likely deny and continue victimizing as many people as they can get to believe their con. So the narc deteriorates and continues on in their sordid lifestyle. Yes it's a big country , with numerous places and people. That means nothing but opportunity for the narcopath. Let's spread the word and make it that much harder for the narc to “succeed”. Conclusion: So what are the “takeaways” from the unfortunate waste of time known as a relationship with a covert narcissist? What can be learned that makes a difference and that allows that target to fully move on whole and healed and ready to pursue another relationship? That investment of love and concern made on the narcopath can potentially pay back dividends to the target, but that return will come from another person who genuinely loves them and has empathy. Yes some targets were visited by a relationship with a narcopath and because that person left without incident, or made the target believe it was their idea to leave the relationship, or leveraged the situation to give the impression that the breakup was mutually agreed upon, that target was never even aware that the partner they had some concerns about was a depraved game player. Yes in that case the target moved on and hopefully got things sorted out in their mind as to what they had to offer and what they needed in a potential new relationship. That target may have had very specific ideas about having boundaries and not compromising their standards in the next relationship. That target may have come to the conclusion that no relationship is better than a settled for relationship. But none of that prevented another narc from lying their way through every one of those barriers and safeguards just because they couldn't resist the challenge. Yes without actual proof the target would just be left with a sense of having been manipulated by a previous partner, but there would be no way to know for sure if that previous partner was a narcopath. No you can't look inside of a person's head or heart and visualize their thoughts and motivations. You have only their words and their actions to go by. Yes, in the beginning that narc used all of the right words and the narc's actions seemed to confirm that they were genuine. But in the end their words were increasingly harsh and abusive and the equivocations and outright lies they spewed were no longer deniable. In addition to all of that, the narc's actions were beginning to tell a story of a disloyal and duplicitous partner who was growing increasingly detached from the daily workings of the relationship. But even with all of that, if that narc played it cool and left with a reasonable explanation the target would have no clue whatsoever of what had just occurred to them. Yes that target would have, despite their suspicions, believed that the narc at one time genuinely loved and had empathy and was concerned, but somehow the love had “grown cold”. That is the ideal scenario. The vast majority of targets have had a very different experience. Many and probably most targets eventually witness the narc's “dark side”, otherwise known as their true self or the “creature behind the mask”. The cheating, the treachery, the incredible cruel triangulation with a new partner and all of the other abuse the covert narcs served out with such calloused glee caused massive damage to the target's self image, self confidence, and world view. Add to that the potential economic cost that a relationship with one of these creeps levies and you have no doubt as to what kind of reptile you were dealing with. Yes for the privilege of “knowing for sure” that the previous partner was a narcopath, the target paid a very high price. But seeing that narcopathic snake for what it was, as painful as it was for the target, gave clarity and brought a preponderance of truth back into the target's life. No more living in a world of lies and deception. That was the first step in the healing process. Once that all sank in, the second major revelation was realizing that the entire narrative surrounding the narc's departure was fabricated from whole cloth. Yes that narc had the target convinced that they, the target “weren't the person they used to be”, that the target had somehow “changed” or disappointed the narc in some way that made the narc “feel differently” . Yes the target had said or done something or somehow misrepresented themselves and because of this the covert narcissist's love had “grown cold”. At this point the healed target will nearly break into uncontrolled laughter at the absurdity of it all. Yes it's pure nonsense. To give some personal perspective. The narc's ramped up personal demands and continuous changing of the goalposts made it a near impossibility to keep them satisfied. Sure it's mere coincidence that the narc had been “shopping” their social site for a new partner long before that departure. Inappropriate comments on the sites of members of the opposite sex were found by a brief web search. Sure it's a mere coincidence that they instantly found a “knight” in shining armor to save them on that same social site. Yes the narc truly believed that instant messaging was the greatest invention ever created. They were probably right, the greatest invention ever made for cheaters. That “innocent” time spent on the smart phone would never be questioned. Sure “anyone could look at their phone at any time and find nothing”. Well the target would have never dreamed of checking. They trusted. Well the truth did eventually come out. No that narc didn't realize her actions were easily uncovered. Yes the takeaway is clear for those of us who witnessed that cold hearted beast beneath the mask: That narcopathic creep never ever respected or loved or cared for the target from day one. The lack of respect and calloused disregard for the well being of the target when the narc viciously triangulated with the new weasel partner was the same exact disregard and disrespect that narco pathic freak had for the target the day they decided to entrap them into a relationship. Yes that fake “love” and “concern” was pure manipulation and entrapment. Nothing more, nothing less. It was game playing for the pleasure of the narc who would otherwise possibly be alone or “bored with life”. Yes, that same exact disrespect and disregard was present each and every moment that narc spent with the target while in the relationship. Yes that narc is as hollow an excuse for a human being you will ever come across in your daily walk of life. But of course the term “hollow” refers to the fact that there is nothing real or valuable inside the narc, nothing on the inside that actually bears any real resemblance to the person or “persona” the narc portrays themselves as being. However, the narc is “filled” with something: evil, duplicity, hatred, treachery, betrayal, shame, and every other vile, depraved, repugnant thought and emotion that ever took residence inside a being in human form. Yes that abusive narc “gifted” the target by showing them the truth, the harsh reality of what the years spent with that creep were really all about. What a sham. What a joke. When the target comes to that conclusion and can fully accept it they have come nearly to the end of the healing process. That is in stark contrast to the beginning stages right after the narc's departure. Yes in the early days of the departure the narc can make a mockery of the target's love and stomp that target's heart right into the ground. The narc can extoll the virtues and superiority of the new partner, the weasel that aids and abets the abuse, to devastating effects upon the target. But that narc has power only because the newly discarded partner actually thinks they lost someone of value. Yes that target did lose something of value, they lost their heart. They handed their heart to the narcopath as a sign of trust and the courage to make themselves vulnerable. That heart was bludgeoned beyond recognition, vandalized, then discarded...but it kept beating. The target retrieved that battered heart and it eventually recovered. In the process, the target discovered that heart's inner strength and resilience. So yes, once the target gets themselves back and sees the narcopath for what and who they were, that narc has lost all power to damage. But more importantly the relationship in it's entirety is seen in a new light, which effectively neutralizes much of the toxicity that the narcopath introduced into the target's life. Yes the narc was playing a cruel game, perpetrating a hoax, so why take anything they ever said or did seriously. Yes that narc is a small, sick, hollow human being. We see that now. We can and will do better. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you. End Comments: Remember: The covert narcissist is all about LEVERAGE. The covert narc seems humble because it gives them leverage (the upper hand) and makes the narc “relate-able” and allows the narc to elicit empathy. The covert narcissist lies because it gives them leverage (they know the truth, the target doesn't). The covert narc's false persona or “mask” gives them leverage, because all the target has to go by is the person that is presented to them that has the appearance of being a real person. Yes leveraging every single aspect of their lives, especially in a relationship, means the narc is “free” and the target has been placed into a “cage” of the narc's making. Of course reality dictates that any human being that bases their lives on lies and deception is the actual person in a “cage” and sadly the narc is so self-deluded they can't see that they have imprisoned themselves and are the actual author of their own miserable existence. Too bad for the narc. Self harm, no matter how severe is isolated to the person with the mental dysfunction but the narc's brand of mental illness always ends up harming other people more than the narc themselves. So how do you “tame” a narc without becoming one? LEVERAGE. But don't even make that attempt if the narc is a physically violent person. In that case, make the smoothest departure possible. Remember, guilt has no effect on these creeps and they have absolutely no appreciation or loyalty. You could give them your kidney and they would never hesitate to turn around and stab you in the back or betray you in any way possible once you had served your purpose. No the key is to grab these “snakes” by the metaphorical head and not allow them to have any leverage at all. No, you don't have to lie or be aggressive or even hostile, you simply refuse the con, refuse their lies. Call that narc out again and again. You treat the narc with the only thing they understand: cruel and unemotional adherence to the truth and to reality. You give that narc the harsh treatment they deserve and the only thing that they can respect. Kindness gets you nowhere with a narc, they laugh at it. In the absence of having leverage, most narcopaths will head for the hills. That may pose problems for a person financially dependent on them. So in that case the target needs to slowly extricate themselves. But for those in a relationship with a narcopath that doesn't involve marriage or children the best advice is to “let the narc go” and find a person you can live with IN PEACE. Fighting and struggling to maintain leverage is no way to live. Let that narc go if you aren't married to them and don't share children. The sooner the better. Liars, cheaters, evildoers, and thieves will sadly never change their ways. No a “leopard doesn't change it's spots”. The only tried and true way for a target to improve their situation is by getting these toxic covert narcissists out of their lives. Fresh air is good for the soul and a very nice departure from the “swamp” imposed upon the target by the narcopath.