When to Say Goodbye to the Narcissist: Putting that narcissist abuse behind you ultimately means putting that narcissist totally out of your thoughts. Yes, the narc may be dead to you in the sense that you are no longer concerned about what goes on in their daily lives. The narc may be dead to you because their opinion is no longer valid. The narc may be dead to you because they don't figure in to your plans either present day or future. All of that is a sign of healing and mental health. But the past still lingers and to put that past behind you you need to comprehend that past and fully extract all of the lessons that need to be learned from that time with the narcissist. Part of that learning experience is understanding narcissism in general and also trying to understand that individual narcissist that you were with. So why do some of us dwell on an individual that has absolutely no consequence to our existence going forward? Why do we still want to understand that person? Why are we still trying to contemplate if they were really a covert pathological narcissist or not? The actions of that person make it clear they were a narcopath, yet we still try to understand them. Well part of the reason we dwell on that person is because we still have a strong residual attachment to them, we still have feelings of love, commitment, and responsibility towards that person. We are even now still trying to understand that person because it is the natural thing that we are used to doing in an effort to bond and form a relationship with someone. So yes, quite some time has gone by and you are still trying to sort that narc out in your mind, still trying to analyze each and every personal experience that narc related to you and trying to determine fact from fiction. You still try to understand what could cause a person to become such a warped, diseased creature that is called a covert pathological narcissist. Yes, you are still subconsciously searching for and answer, an understanding of what that person was all about. You do that despite the fact that the motivations of narcissists in general have been carefully chronicled and described in high detail and you did intensive research and learning on the subject. To an outsider they may be quite puzzled as to why you would expend energy on a person that has long disappeared from the scene and is of no consequence to you whatsoever. But here is the important thing to note: if you still need to understand that person it is never any other human being's right to tell you to move on and not dwell. That advice giver no doubt has your best interests at heart and the logic behind that advice is sound. The idea is that if you stop thinking about the narc then you can heal. But if you aren't ready to put that narc out of your heart and mind you have to go against your own instincts to achieve that goal . Your instincts tell you that although the narc is over, the damage that the creep did to you is far from over. So taking that well intentioned advice from an outsider, even if they happen to have credentials is going against your own subconscious and may not be the right course of action for you. It may actually be a form of denial, a method of burying unresolved issues. Of course there is a time limit, but even that is usually proportional to the time spent with the narcissist and the level of abuse suffered. Yes, just like your body intuitively knows how to heal a physical wound, a cut or other injury, your psyche has it's own way of healing itself. Outside advice, especially by knowledgeable professionals is sometimes very beneficial for sure, and for some it is needed. For others however, we need to do what our heart tells us to do and continue pondering every aspect of that abusive relationship and the person that perpetrated that abuse, even though it is now a part of our past. So that process of pondering goes on and on and then one day when pursuing another avenue to try to gain insight into that person it dawns on you: the effort you are putting in is a waste of your time. You realize yourself that the efforts put in are not appropriate since the insight you get has no purpose or function. That insight that may be valuable in an ongoing relationship, useful to you, to your partner in trying to help them overcome their severe psychological dysfunction, and useful to having a more fluid and healthy relationship. But that insight is of no value whatsoever in your present situation. Yes, in your mind you were still in that relationship trying to understand, trying to get resolution, trying to get to a point of peace and joy for you, your partner, and the relationship. But then one day it sinks in that you are wasting your time. It sinks in that the effort is better spent pursuing other goals and possibly other relationships. Every outsider can tell you that a covert narcissist is a waste of your time, every well intentioned friend and professional, after all it is obvious. But the true breakthrough comes when you tell it to yourself. That breakthrough is the result of countless days, weeks, months, and years of daily work. Maybe even decades. So how do you know if that dwelling on the past is a part of the healthy process of healing your psyche or dysfunction? The easiest way to know is to look at the progress you are making. Are you more functional day after day, are you dwelling on that abusive relationship less and less as time goes on? Is hope and joy returning to your life? Are you planning a future and looking forward to that future, a future with every trace of that narcopath out of your life? All of those mileposts are very useful tools and allow you to gauge and monitor your progress. So yes, you are no longer concerned with trying to understand that individual narcissist because you realize it is a waste of time, but the need for vengeance can still bind you down. Now that the narc is no longer of any consequence, rather than dwelling on that creep receiving justice, you focus on your own standing with God and ask God to have mercy on you. Rather than expecting God to punish that narcissist, you focus on your own deficiencies and areas that need improvement. Yes, that covert narcissist may be dozens of times more wicked than the victim, but God's standards are different and no one is perfect enough to make it into heaven without God providing the payment for their sins. We have to keep in mind that every human being that has ever existed other than Jesus has committed sin just about every day of their lives. Sins of omission as well as sins of commission. So every human being on earth needs the grace of God, His mercy, not justice. Justice would mean to not gain entry into heaven. So if we need God's mercy, not His justice (and all of us do), then it wouldn't be appropriate for us to want justice for the narcissist. Insisting on justice for the narc in this case, means we also have to have justice from God and being that none of us are perfect it puts the victim in a bad position. As honest individuals we don't want to institute a double standard and consider ourselves special. That is what covert narcissists do. Instead, what goes for the narc goes for us as well. So does that mean the narc won't pay for all the evil they have done? Not at all. Here is the key: The narc absolutely has the possibility of being fully forgiven for all that they have done to you, have their debt fully paid so to speak, but there is only one important thing that is required of the narcissist. That narc has to genuinely repent, have remorse, and be sorry for what they did to you. That narc has to humble themselves and humbly ask God to forgive them and have mercy on them. That narc has to take full responsibility for all that they have done, not point the finger at an innocent party and bear false witness. We victims are only required to leave that narc fully in God's hands and have no concern whatsoever as to what will happen to that narc. So the narc is given the same opportunity that the victim has been given. If that narc does suffer a terrible fate, in this life or the next, they are solely responsible for those repercussions. The narc has damned themselves by their own attitude, their own lack of willingness to repent and humble themselves. The thing that upsets many victims the most is the fact that that narc will be free to perpetrate the same damage on another target that they inflicted upon them. But God is aware, God sees, and God will be the final arbiter of how much more damage that narc will be able to cause for the rest of their miserable existence. On the other hand, if the narc repents and has a genuine conversion the danger to others will have been brought to an end. Remember, the narc may think they can deceive God, but they will not be able to get away with a fake conversion. No one can gaslight God. He sees it all in high detail and total accuracy. Leaving that narc in God's hands will produce the best results and ultimately justice will be served. Justice or Jesus, and we all know that a covert narc actually changing and becoming truly humble would take a miracle. So yes it is possible, but the chances are slim to none, being that the narc prefers their self anointed and appointed godhood over any possibility of bowing to the real God. Not our problem. It is God's problem and He wants us to stay out of His way. That narc is no longer our responsibility. So yes one day you realize that you are wasting your time expending any energy whatsoever on that individual that pretended to be a human being. An individual that abdicated their humanity, but instead decided to be evil and only give the appearance of being human. Thinking about that individual covert narcissist has no consequence or significance, bears no weight whatsoever, doesn't figure in at all in the calculations and plans that you make for your future. But that is only when you yourself decide that dwelling on that narc has served its purpose in your life. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.