Spiritual Help For The Narcissist Abuse Victim: The path to healing from narcissist abuse is different for all of us and some people simply prefer purely secular methods of achieving that healing. If this has led to someone's full recovery I am glad for them and wish them a life filled with joy. Any person who has survived an encounter with a narcissist deserves that. However some of us do want to use both secular and spiritual tools and today I would like to specifically focus on some spiritual methods of resolving the damage left after the narcissist has moved on to their next victim. One of the main things that hold the victim back from a full recovery is the issue of resentment for the narc abuse victim. Letting go of that resentment can be a daily exercise and over time we can achieve relative peace in our lives, but resolving that resentment seems a never ending task. Why is this? Well partly because there are so many episodes of abuse and every time the memory of a lie or a cruelty or any sort of abuse comes to the victim's mind the resentment once again wells up in the victim. To compound the problem as time goes on and the victim reassesses that time with the narcissist in light of the truth more and more lies and duplicity come to the surface and the victim seems to have a never ending supply of new revelations of the abuse. A second subconscious reason the victim clings to their resentment is that it may be the only thing that binds them to the narcissist, the only thing that the discarded victim still has to hold on to. So in an unusual twist of events the victim can still be close to the narcissist while they indulge their resentment. The alternative to letting go of the resentment in this case is being alone and that even seems worse for the victim. However, another way of looking at it is that the resentment itself is responsible for the victim isolating themselves. No matter the cause let's make it clear the victim's resentment is a natural response to the cruel and callous actions of the narcissist. Let's remember the narcissist had no mercy whatsoever. That narc saw the suffering of their previous partner and didn't just turn a cold shoulder to that victim, they actually took the opportunity to inflict more pain on their vulnerable ex partner. No compassion, no mercy. So it is quite natural for the resentment to build in the victim as the victim wakes up to what narcissism is and truly begins to comprehend the enormous scale of that narc's duplicity and the mind boggling percentage of lying that the narc had done. Yes with knowledge that resentment just grows and grows. So in a sense, that resentment that goes along with the awakening and knowledge of the victim almost neutralizes the progress gained by the revelations of the truth. So this is where spirituality can have a critical role in reversing that trend. Allowing the victim to learn more and more of the truth, understand what really was happening to them in that relationship, while at the same time not allowing that new information to breed new resentment. I will be exclusively giving the Christian perspective from here on out. To begin healing that resentment spiritually we have to focus on key passages of the Bible and then comprehensively analyze all aspects of what these passages are saying. The first important passage we need to look at is one we have covered numerous times that passage is found in Romans 12 19 “ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” The second equally important passage is found in Galatians 6 7 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” So let's break these passages down and really understand what they are saying. First you have to ask yourself do you believe in God? Think about this long and hard and make sure you are answering honestly. If you do then you go to the next step. Do you believe that God is greater than you are and knows more than you do? Are you willing to submit your will to God? Do you trust that God knows what He is talking about? Do you believe that God will always keep His promises? If you have answered all of those questions affirmatively then you can go to the next step. Do you believe that the Bible is God's word and do you believe that the advice given in the Bible is trustworthy? If so then you take the next step and actually start the healing process by taking God's advice and listening to His directions. So what exactly is God telling us in Romans 12 19? Well He is telling us vengeance belongs to Him. So think about what we are doing when we hold on to that need for vengeance. We are literally keeping that need for vengeance and not letting it go. No we aren't holding it in our hands, at least in our hands there would be the possibility of dislodging it. But we are actually holding that urge for vengeance much more closely than by hand, it is in our hearts and has almost become a part of us. God is telling us that that vengeance doesn't belong to us it, belongs to Him and He is telling us to release our grip on that urge for vengeance. To let it go because that vengeance belongs to Him NOT us. So if we insist on holding on to that vengeance, we are at least in our hearts not believing or trusting the advice God is giving us. Now it is understandable that a narc abuse victim has problems trusting, but to not trust God is taking things too far and preventing us from taking His advice. God isn't just saying you should give Him that vengeance and telling you to have a good day, He is also telling you to stay out of His way because He will make sure the narcissist gets their payment. So in a sense that narc will never get their just reward if we don't give God that vengeance. God is clearly saying that the person who has wronged you will be re-payed and more specifically will get God's wrath as payment. If you don't want to believe God or trust God then ultimately that is the source of your not being able to let go of that vengeance. God isn't saying to just let it go, He is saying to have peace, relax He is taking that incredible burden off of your heart and carrying that load for you. He is showing you the path to peace, but to achieve that peace you have to listen to God. But just in case you aren't quite satisfied with that answer there is more information and that is contained in Galatians 6 7. Now the concept of karma is widely known and believed and most people believe in that concept to a certain extent. That concept of karma is open to wide interpretation with some going as far as putting themselves in the place of God. Yes the deluded narc actually called herself a goddess and made the statement that Karma was going to visit itself upon me because she was greatly displeased. Well of course that deluded narc thought she was being cute and cleaver with those threats, but in her own mind she really believed herself to have that kind of authority and by making those statements she gave away her total ignorance of how “cosmic retribution” actually functions. So let's dispense with the term karma and be more specific. You reap what you sew. Period. Yes there is a God that will provide the payment but He is decidedly male and decidedly apart from being human. So think about what the concept of sewing something means. It means you plant a seed and that small seed will eventually mature into a plant that is exponentially larger and of a totally different nature than the seed that it sprang from. In the same way that evil and all of that terrible abuse that narcissist perpetrated upon the victim will also germinate and grow and eventually the narcissist will have to reap that mature harvest. So the victim has to keep this in mind. We victims truly loved that narcissist and did nothing but good for them we also sewed seeds, but our seeds were of a positive nature. So the victim will also reap the product of their seeds the good product. What does this all mean? Well the narcissist will pay for all of their evil and you if you have done good for that narcissist and truly loved them will also be rewarded for all of those acts of love that were wasted on the unappreciative narcissist. I only have one narcissist as a tangible example, but that narcissist was continually alluding to all of the terrible abuse she had suffered at the hands of her mother and her mother's boyfriends as well as a previous partner. Her descriptions of the cruelty that had been perpetrated on her were heartbreaking to me and made me that much more committed to showing her that love did exist and that all of her suffering was not in vain. She had shunned both her siblings and her mother because of the alleged abuse. To be sure she had not been given a ideal childhood. But that was before. Before the abuse, cruelty and treachery she had perpetrated upon me. To be sure what she did to me far eclipsed any of her accounts of that deprived childhood of hers. Yes, that narc was far worse than that mother of hers and those siblings of hers. Or those boyfriends. Yet she continues to consider herself the victim. It stands to reason that even when it came to her time growing up it was she who had been the worst and most toxic member of that family. I want to believe that she never did worse to anyone than what she did to me, but I can't be sure of that. Let's be clear, I didn't deserve that treatment. It was totally unjustified. And yes she shunned me just as she did the rest of her family. Never a chance to explain and try to clear up the misunderstanding. Yes I have the scars to prove it and I just contemplated the fact that if these scars that I see are seeds. What will those full grown plants look like when she finally reaps them? That is a frightening thought and I sincerely hope that she avoids her punishment and accepts Jesus as her savior. But that stubborn self entitled deluded fool will never bow her knee to God and therefore those seeds will grow into the plants that she will one day reap. Of course those scars that are visible are just a small percentage of the damage and evil she has committed through the course of her existence. Do you now get it? Holding on to that need for vengeance and being concerned if the narc will ever pay is not only holding you back from healing, but it is stealing your peace. The frustration of having lost that investment that you made in that narcissist is also not justified. Both your positive and good reward and the narc's reward of punishment will be taken care of by God. The narcissist has one way and only one way out,: Accept Jesus as their Savior. So remember, the narcissist will reap what they have sewn, and it will be a bitter harvest. Yes, the narc was in a position to grant forgiveness even if that was for a perceived wrong done to them. Yes, the narc was in a position to give someone a hearing to listen to their concerns, but the narc refused. Not even 5 minutes of a two way conversation after a sudden discard and that conversation was nothing but lies and gaslighting. Not 5 minutes for someone they had told for 3 years they committed their lives to. Not 5 minutes for someone who never did anything to them but love them. Then all contact was forbidden. Yes, the narcissist was in a position to show compassion when it was absolutely needed, but they sternly refused. One day that narc will also be in that position and ask for mercy, but if it is after they die it will be too late. Here is the difference: the narc had a lifetime of being able to make up for their sins and a lifetime to ask for mercy and they would have received it. To say that they will pay for all of the evil they have done plus interest is really a gross understatement when you contemplate the difference between a seed and the mature plant that grows from it. Please also remember that the victim will not lose any of the kindness, compassion, love and concern that they gave to that narc. That good was not wasted, it will come back to the victim, in abundance. So after all that the narc has done, does any sane human being really think the narcissist deserves any compassion or understanding? After all the narc takes anything that is good and turns it to filth. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Narcissist Always Gives Up and They Are Never Real: The narcissist is an adult with the emotional maturity of a five year old and when someone hears that statement for the first time they think that this must be a gross exaggeration. Surely this can't be true. The narcissist is an adult, they have lived life. It isn't possible. So, OK, maybe they are at the maturity level of a young adult or maybe a teenager. That narc has gone gray, they certainly look like and adult and they know how to appear as a mature adult, but the emotional maturity of a five year old? That is hard to believe. That narcissist proved to be a competent employee over the course of their lives. For the time of their brief employment at one job then the next. They were a father or a mother, they were a husband or a wife, they were active in charities. No, that is ridiculous, no way can they have the emotional maturity of a five year old. How is that even possible? Well let's try to get some answers. One of the narc's many flaws, you could call it an Achilles heel but the problem is the narc has many Achilles heels not just the one or two an average person might have, is that they are unable to commit to anything. Be it an individual job, a career, or any form of relationship. Yes, the relationship could be that of sibling, daughter or son, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, spouse,or sadly even parent, the narc will only give the bare minimum of commitment and always be looking over the horizon for the next experience. So yes, the narc always gives up. They do this throughout their existence and the astonishing thing is they can't see the obvious in their lives. Of course, there are successful covert narcissists who can still fully ply their trade while maintaining a career. For the most part these successful narcs wield power or work a menial job. Either way, they are then afforded plenty of personal freedom either mentally or physically since their work environment gives them that free reign. This also applies to those narcs in long term relationships and marriages. If the narc can find a way to keep their fantasy existence alive then those long term relationships or careers are just fine, since they have use for the narc. But make no mistake, there is never any love or commitment to those careers or partners although to the partner and even to the people at the workplace it may appear the narc is dedicated and committed. However, we are talking about the average covert narcissist, not those exceptional ones. The average narcissist can't understand why their world is always in turmoil and they are always in a state of irresolution. They don't understand why they never have peace and the main reason is that when there is peace , they need to “stir the pot”, they get bored, they need to move on. Keep in mind, the narc is covert in their lack of commitment. Yes, the narc will continue to pose as the loyal employee, sister, daughter, spouse, girlfriend, parent all the while making plans for their exit. So then it is just a matter of trying to exit gracefully with a plausible excuse and making their plans without anyone detecting what is going on inside of that warped mind of theirs. Honestly, the incoherent, inconsistent, illogical, irrational world inside that narc's mind is not something a sane person could ever fully comprehend. That might be a good thing, but sane people who have had their lives destroyed by a narc unfortunately do have to understand that warped world to a certain extent. It's necessary for the victim to understand, to get their feet back on the ground, and put that narc experience in perspective. It is necessary for the victim's own personal sanity. Yes, the world the narcissist created for us was surreal, but that surreal world still has to be put into the context of the real world. Yes the surreal world was made a part of the victim's real world, whether they realized it was a farce or not. It needs to be mentioned though, that what we are describing, the narc engaging in treachery and deception, and the incredible depth and scope of their lying, is never seen as unjustified or evil to the narcissist themselves. Somehow the narcissist always has full self-justification for their actions. They will always somehow vilify the person or job or friend or relative or spouse that they are about to stab in the back. Yes the narc always sees all that they do as noble. They always see themselves as the righteous ones that have been terribly abused and mistreated. Yes, there are those self-aware narcissists, but by and large many, probably even the majority of narcissists, do see themselves as righteous. That self righteousness is the fuel that keeps them going, that allows them to perfectly deny the obvious damage they have done to every person whose lives they have touched. Those victims serve as both the outright enemy as well as the scapegoat for any culpability that hits a little too close to home for the narcissist. Yes, when the narc's treachery even comes close to implicating the narc themselves and threatens to cause the narcissist unneeded, or unexpected, or unwanted damage, the narc engages in warping reality. They change the situation through gaslighting, or any other form of lying and deception and refuse to see or accept responsibility or take the blame for their own actions. But ultimately, all of those methods pale in comparison to the narc's secret weapon of scapegoating. The narcissist's highly developed talent for scapegoating is the ultimate cure for their problems. Scapegoating washes the narcissist's misdeeds clean, gives a never ending supply of fuel for their self righteousness and creates an enemy for them to focus the rest of the people in their world on. It totally takes the attention off of the narcissist and even the narcissist is more than willing to believe their own tales of victim-hood. Yes, there are plenty of willing enablers, flying monkeys, to back up the narcissist's fabricated claims. The bottom line is the narcissist always takes the easiest way out, regardless of the damage done to others and never has any consideration whatsoever for the truth. It now becomes clear why scapegoating comes naturally to the narcissist. So, it also starts becoming easier to link the narc's stunted emotional growth to always giving up. Yes, “going when the going gets tough” is one of the many keys to explaining why the narcissist never matures, never even comes close to the level of maturity that their chronological age and there life experience and their outward persona would seem to point to. Yes, the narc has certainly learned to put on the pretense of maturity, to say and do things that appear, are perceived as mature, but it is only on the surface, an act, a farce. People who are unfamiliar with narcissism or have just recently met the narc might never understand the ruse that narc is perpetrating, but eventually, with time the narc's immaturity comes to the surface and this is usually when the narc begins to think about greener pastures. So if the narc senses they will soon be found out and will no longer be able to maintain the farce, they begin an exit strategy. On the other hand, if for some reason the narcissist is able to successfully pull the wool over people's eyes and maintain the farce, the narc then becomes bored. Yes, the narc gets bored and then begins scheming and planning. A successful farce means the narc is compelled to find something more challenging and can't help themselves but to look forward to a different venue, a new persona, another performance. Somewhere else. Yes, always giving up is clearly related to the narc's stunted emotional growth. But if there are any doubts we need to think about what happens when the narc's cleverly constructed persona is put to the test and occasionally falls to pieces. Yes, the above plans to move on, to leave are accelerated when the going begins getting tough. When the narc sees any excessive adversity or struggle they are simply given a greater incentive to engage in all of their above wiles, methods of operation. Yes, that commitment, loyalty, love, concern, respect on the part of the narcissist are all a ruse, but that ruse falls to pieces, is either partially or even fully exposed when it is put to the test. Yes, under those circumstances the narcissist gives themselves away or has great difficulty in maintaining that false persona. Once the narc knows the game is up, they simply exit. Gracefully if possible, but sometimes in any way necessary. When this departure in the face of adversity doesn't go smoothly and the narc is placed under unexpected stress there is a high risk for their true persona, the creature under the mask to be fully or partially exposed. When this does happen it creates shock in those unaware of the possibility of covert narcissism. No normal human can conceive of an intimate partner transforming into a stranger, a different persona right in front of their eyes after years of being together. No matter, the narc leaves and engages all of their carefully honed methods of protection with fluid ease. Yes, that treachery and duplicity and lying have been matured and developed to a high art. Yes, the ability to put on a fake persona has been developed to a high art as well. Just the actual person has been allowed to remain emotionally stunted at the level of a five year old. So it now begins coming into focus why the narc will be both the perennial victim and also the perpetual emotional five year old, as hard as that is to believe. The narc always gives up, always runs away when the going gets tough or conversely, when the farce they put on is no longer a challenge. So, therefore the narc never grows or matures emotionally. Only their lying, treachery, deceit, duplicity grow and mature. But of what use are those evil traits to anyone? They have no value, they are useless and even worse they do incredible damage. To others, and occasionally to the narc. But if the narc ever sees any damage to themselves, their inner five year old kicks in. That child that always has to get even, that always has to win, that always has to be right. At all costs. Then the narc goes nuclear with everything that they were about to discard anyway being vaporized. But the narc often suffers severe collateral damage themselves. No matter, as long as the victim is suffering more than they, they have still won. Yes, maturity comes from dealing with adversity, holding to a commitment and making it work, be it in a friendship, a relationship, a marriage, a career. That is how people mature and over time the benefits of sticking it out, of staying steady and firm in your commitment do show benefits. No, those benefits aren't immediate or obvious but for those who have stuck it out in situations that weren't ideal we reap the benefits. The narc will never understand or experience those benefits or ever mature. Yes, healthy people put up their best efforts to stick it out under adversity if that is what is called for. We don't always succeed, sometimes we fail, and then we have to persevere and try again. Sometimes we do have to give up, but when we give up it will be after having tried everything, having left no stone unturned, having gone the extra mile and more. Regardless, we learn and do better next time and sometimes the lesson is to let go, to stop trying. That is what maturing is all about. Sadly, the narcissist takes even that healthy attitude of a sane person trying to persevere and hold on to a commitment and perverts and twists it into an evil. Yes, the narc walks away from a committed relationship, accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the commitments that they have made and calls their partner, that did make a genuine commitment, crazy. Especially if that partner dares to seek answers. Yes, the committed person who can't immediately let go and walk away from a commitment that they made is the crazy one. The narc is the sane one. Sadly the cold hearted callousness of the narcissist does make them appear sane. To the uninformed public. We know otherwise. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Victim Status and it’s Link to Narcissism: The term victim and it’s relationship to narcissism abuse. There is an ongoing debate about the use of the term victim with regard to someone who has been abused by a narcissist. Many seem to feel that the term victim gives power to the narcissist. In addition there is the danger that someone calling themselves a victim gets sucked into the Karpman’s triangle and becomes addicted to that way of thinking, always needing to play one of the roles in that triangle. However, when the person is functionally an actual victim, shying away from that term is really just another act of denial. When the person is in an active full-fledged all encompassing relationship with a narcissist and that narc pulls up roots very suddenly without any warning or notice and immediately transfers their loyalty, their emotional loyalty and all of their intimate emotions as well as physical intimacy to another human being and flaunts that fact on a public forum, that makes the previous partner a victim. Oh yes, the narc was a “respectable” person, so they were very careful to broadcast that physical intimacy by quoting the verses of a song. A song that boasted about needing a new physical connection, a new lover, and needing it badly, right away. Well that narc didn't need it badly, they already had it, but that wasn't the point. They wanted to make sure the victim knew without saying it directly. So yes, the narcissist victimizes their previous partner and purposely tortures them emotionally when that narc rubs the new relationship into the victim's nose. After numerous other things the narc perpetrated against their previous partner, that partner having their livelihood and their personal life destroyed, that person naturally wants some answers. The only response is no contact from the narcissist. Make no mistake no contact is abuse. Someone who was promised heaven and earth by the narcissist and was told by the narc they had made a lifetime commitment was owed answers and owed some time to voice their concerns. But the narc refused. The narc did what they always do, they did what was best for themselves and for themselves alone, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. So what if the victim lost their business or lost their life. Not an ounce of effort would be put in to that previous ex. The discard was final. The narc was having too much fun with the new weasel partner in shining armor. Part of that fun was torturing the ex partner in tandem. What better way for two narcissists to bond. So you are not doing justice to this scenario by calling the ex a target, they are a victim plain and simple. No this is not being a target, it’s being a victim. There’s no pride in announcing to the world that you have been discarded, it does nothing to boost your ego or make you an admirable person to those who hear what you’ve just said, but that isn't the point. The point is to be truthful, to state the situation as it actually is. Doing less is just denying the truth and if you’re denying the truth how can you ever really look at the problem and understand how to heal yourself? So in the same way victim status and the term victim are extremely essential to use for one reason and one reason alone, because they are simply the truth. You are stating a fact. Of course you were also a target and that is true, especially when the narc first laid their eyes on you and made their plans to ensnare you. But functionally, at any point in time after the mirroring idealization phase when you started being devalued all the way to the end of that relationship when you were discarded and even afterwards when the abuse actually snowballed and continued nearly driving you to suicide, at each of those points you were not just the target but functionally and very specifically you were a victim. So when is it dangerous to use that term victim? Well it involves thinking of yourself as a victim after that narcissist abuse has finished and living the rest of your life defining yourself as a victim. Please note, this doesn't apply to people who were in a relationship with that narcissist for decades or to those who suffered with narcissist families. We are talking about those of us who were in that relationship for shorter periods of time. Let's say less than a decade. To heal we must encapsulate, put a wall around that time with the narcissist, and call ourselves a victim during that time with the narcissist. We do that because we were a victim. We deal with the reality of having been a victim. We deal with the consequences of that abuse. We heal ourselves and then we move on, and in that way we have been honest with the world and with ourselves. We were a victim but we aren’t a victim anymore. Yes we were always the target from the day that narc laid their eyes on us. But after healing has taken place we walk away victorious, a victim no longer. So what about those of us who were involved with a narcissist and had a family with them and share children? What about those who spent decades with a narc and were unaware of narcissism and could never put their finger on why that relationship was always in chaos and turmoil ? What about those of us who were raised by narc parents or were in a narc family? I am not qualified to say but I will make an educated guess. The process is the same, but here is the problem, those narcissists that victimized us have become a part of our person, they are a part of our identity and therefore the task of separating ourselves or divorcing ourselves from these narcissists becomes very time consuming and intensive. We are able to slowly do this by gaining knowledge about narcissism and applying that knowledge to our personal situation and realizing that all of those times when we were in opposition to those narcs and were told we were wrong we were actually right. We can heal from that long term narc abuse by eliminating those toxic people from our lives as much as is possible and surrounding ourselves with like minded positive thinking people with good attitudes. The healing can take place and there is the possibility of also putting victim status in the past. Yes, that same process of encapsulation and divorce can take place, but that process is different, more complex and will admittedly take far longer. So what is the ultimate take away from all of this? Our role was a victim in that relationship but the victim is not who we are. Victim does not define us. We could call ourselves survivors but there’s another problem with that term. It continues to look back at that time we had with a narcissist. The best term we can use is we were a victim, honestly use that term and admit that we were a victim, then heal ourselves. We encapsulate that time with the narcissist as a sad chapter of our life and divorce ourselves totally from that situation. We then go on with our lives having learned our lesson from that situation and go on better than we were before that tragedy of the narcissist ever came into our lives. That is the healthy attitude of a fully healed human being that was once a target and yes also once a victim, but that will never defined them. This is in stark contrast to the narcissist who is actually defined as a narcissist. It’s actually who and what they are. You can escape and move on and live a normal life. That narc will have an almost impossible task to escape what they are, what they see in the mirror every single day. Yes, the narcissist is correct about being a perennial victim, but they are mistaken about who the perpetrator is. The perpetrator that makes the narcissist a victim is the narcissist themselves. Yes the narcissist is a victim of their own narcissism and they can’t escape that narcissism very easily. The true victim is only under the illusion that they have to be a victim forever, they can walk away and more importantly the victim can avoid any future entanglements with narcissists. Yes, think of it as being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it wasn't us, it would have been someone else that would have been "blessed" with that relationship. We will look for the all important qualities of EMPATHY, and a genuine ability to love in future partners. Partners who flatter then start lying can take a hike. NO we are not getting into another situation trying to help a "broken" person and then start making excuses for their rude and unacceptable behavior because they had a "bad childhood" and can't help themselves. Let someone else have that problem. If they can live with a narcissist and survive, good for them. We have better things to do with our lives. We paid our dues. We learned. We now expect what everyone should expect in a relationship,: someone who wants to reciprocate emotions and share life together and is able to commit to someone and be loyal. Someone who has the ability to respect their partner and treat them as an equal. Anything less is not acceptable. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.

Misconceptions About the Narcissist Relationship That Prevent the Victim From Healing: The target of narcissist abuse that has been used and then discarded can oftentimes have great difficulty in letting go of the thought of that relationship. This is both by the design of the narcissist and by the false conception in the target's mind that that time they spent with the narcissist was an actual relationship. Make no mistake the relationship was very real for the victim and the victim had all of the emotions any normal person would have in a normal relationship. What was missing is that the narc was never in that relationship at all. The narc never invested themselves into the relationship and never reciprocated that relationship to their partner. The narc was with that target solely for the purpose of getting a new experience, gathering new material for their next new false persona and most important of all getting the target primed so that they could draw out all of that person's energy for themselves. So the narcissist certainly also called that a relationship but the narc's definition of a relationship is clearly NOT a relationship at all, it is merely a contract to allow mining of the victim's resources with the false promise of future gain. So in some ways this parallels the exploitation of the resources of third world countries. Somehow that promise of prosperity for allowing a more powerful nation or a corporation to take the resources never actually materializes into any tangible benefits for the citizens of that country. So yes, the narc calls their victimization of the target a relationship but it is clear it is no relationship at all on the narcissist's part. The victim certainly sees their time with a narc in the conventional way and treats that experience as an actual relationship. No, we aren't blaming the victim, since we have to keep in mind that in the mirroring idealization phase there were actual tangible evidences of a relationship but with the gradual, imperceptible erosion of those beneficial experiences in the devaluation phase, the target was eventually brought into a world of turmoil and uncertainty. By then the victim was well committed to that narc and there was no choice but to maintain hope by accepting promises of future prosperity and happiness. Yes the narc actually encouraged that line of thinking. All the victim needed to do was try a little harder and when those goals were nearly achieved the narc simply moved the goalposts. Yes, at that point the victim was hooked and the narc had free reign to call all of the shots. No this wasn't a relationship but the victim was now in a deep fog and totally disconnected from reality and accepting this farce of a relationship as the genuine item. So yes, the target goes through the cycle of idealization-mirroring, devaluation, and final discard never seeing any of it. They are locked into the false notion that this relationship with that narc is a genuine one, a union where there partner views that relationship the same way that they do and that is the first misconception: the misconception that you are in a reciprocal relationship. Yes it is a relationship but a one-sided one, a relationship where only the target is actually treating it as such and investing the effort. The next misconception is that the target, viewing that time with the narc as an actual relationship believes wholeheartedly that that narc was brought into their life for a reason. Yes, a religious person who was waiting for over a decade for God to bring someone to them would naturally view that narc as an answer to their prayer. That is of course not the case, but after the discard the victim still has much confusion trying to understand the meaning of that narcissist in their lives. Sadly this confusion can go on for months years and even decades if the victim never finally comes to the realization that the relationship was not a relationship at all. Yes, the false notion that their experience with the narcissist was an actual relationship is a major roadblock on the journey to a full recovery and as such needs to be overcome with the light of truth. So a target might think “ Why did God allow this person into my life if not for a relationship?” “The minute that person walked through the door it was predestined that we would be together so how could this not be God's will?” Well here is the key to understanding this confusing scenario. Practically speaking, that narc wasn't a person that came into your life, they were a tragedy, a natural disaster that destroyed your life like a tornado, flood, earthquake, illness, mugging, rape, assault, etc. but in slow motion. The fact that this tragedy came upon the victim in the form of something that resembled a relationship is where the problem lies. Yes it looked like the narcissist cared, yes the victim was experiencing all of the emotions of a genuine relationship and to outsiders it also looked like a genuine relationship. So the target could be forgiven for not understanding why that relationship happened to them. Why did that relationship really occur? What was really going on? That narc was looking for a target. They were going to find someone and just like a wolf or tiger on the prowl or any other predator they were looking at the herd and specifically targeting the weak and the vulnerable. The young, the old, and the injured. So in a sense the narc saw that vulnerability in the target and couldn't help themselves. Let's be clear the vulnerabilities in the victim, empathy, the ability to care about and genuinely love others, and a selfless attitude were hardly a weaknesses but they are vulnerabilities and the narc had carefully honed their skills to take advantage of a person who cared, who trusted others, and believed the best of those around them. Yes, the narc could take full advantage of every one of those character traits. So here is the real core of the argument: that flood, that tornado, that earthquake, they never masqueraded as anything that was good, as anything that you might want to look back on and be happy about. Those tragedies, as bad as they were, were at least honest and presented themselves as what they actually were: a tragedy plain and simple. No sugar coating. And because those tragedies presented themselves as what they actually were, as negative occurrences, they could be overcome more easily. The next misconception on the part of the target is that their genuine love for the narcissist was something the narcissist valued and more importantly the target's love was something that the narcissist never had before, that somehow the target's love was “special”. Yes, the target put a huge effort into understanding the narcissist, trying to understand why the narc was always unhappy, in turmoil and plagued. Trying to fathom why the narc was always saying they weren't going to a good place. Trying to find a way to build a lasting, stable relationship with that narc. Accepting that narc unconditionally with all of their flaws. The flaws that only started showing up in the devaluation phase and seemed to grow exponentially as the relationship ran it's course. Yes, the victim was convinced that the narc simply needed one person that would hold on and not give up on them and finally get them to make that breakthrough and become the person that the target believed the narc could always be. Yes, the target saw the potential in that narcissist, they saw their “greatness” and that target made it their life's purpose to get that narc past all of their fears, phobias, resentments, envy, and darkness so that maybe that narc could finally achieve that greatness and have peace and stability in their lives. But here is the problem. The narcissist NEVER valued any of the love that the target gave them. The narc couldn't even appreciate that love because they didn't have the capacity to. Moreover, that love was nothing special to the narc. The narcissist may have stated you were only the second person they had ever been with, but the reality is that narc repeated this cycle of deceiving others into loving them and giving them that “special” love many times before. So here is the reality: nothing you had to offer wasn't given to the narcissist previously. The sad reality is that nothing will ever turn that narcopath around. When you start clearing up these misconceptions it becomes much easier to divorce yourself from that narcissist and that is our goal: to take every vestige of that creature out of our hearts and minds and to fully clear ourselves of every trace of those toxins that the narc infused us with. In which other ways does the victim have a unique experience that causes misconceptions and prevents closure? Well the narc can never make a clean cut so when there is the possibility for the relationship to end equitably they can't be satisfied. So the narc makes sure to traumatize and threaten the target after the relationship ends ensuring that the target will have no opportunity whatsoever to get them out of their mind. This can be called trauma bonding and of course this was the same tool that was being used by the narc throughout the post idealization phase of the relationship, but for the grand finale the narc pulled out all of the stops and became vicious beyond belief. Yes, the threats made meant the target was constantly thinking about the narc and looking over their shoulder. This created the ultimate trauma bond in the victim. Why is this done if the narc has already moved on? Well the simple answer is that the narc can't resist the urge to draw even more energy from the victim. So where does the misconception come in? Eventually the victim comes to their senses,wakes up and sees the reality of that narcissist as the loveless, calloused, cretin that they were and realizes that so called relationship was nothing but an intricately planned con and then the rage and anger begins. Well in their mind the victim-target is convinced that their resentment and anger for the narcissist will somehow actually produce justice. The victim thinks that their anger will somehow transfer to the narcissist and make that narc pay, actually feel the deep emotional pain and suffering that they have caused the victim. But sadly only the victim is really hurt by holding on to those feelings of resentment. The narc isn't effected in any way by those feelings that the victim has. If anything the narc knowing that the victim is still deeply wounded will only give the narc more energy to draw from the victim. What is the takeaway for the victim? Your victory over the narcissist occurs when you have given up that anger altogether. The anger and rage don't help you and it in no way effect the narcissist, at least not the way you would like them to. You need to remember that every time those rage producing thoughts come to mind of the cruelty perpetrated upon you by the narc, you have to fight them, you have to give yourself the truth that the narcissist is long gone and they could care less about you other than the possibility of once again torturing you and getting negative energy from you. You have only one source of relief, that is you yourself, and you have only one enemy, that is you yourself. The faster you purge that narcissist out of every atom of your mind, heart, and spirit, the sooner you get them out of your mental and emotional and physical environment the faster you will heal. That is your goal and the pathway to a full and complete recovery. So, the statement that you were never in a relationship with that narcissist solicits further clarification and discussion. We are talking about a relationship with a pathological covert narcissist, somebody who never had the ability to love their partner, somebody who never had the ability to care about their partner, somebody who was calloused and had no remorse about anything that they did to that partner and this is the key to all of the statements that we have made. It doesn't matter if you’ve been in that relationship for weeks, months, years, or decades, whether you were married to the person, whether you share children with that person, it was never a real relationship. So you might wonder why someone who never loved you would stay in the relationship for all that time. We’ve already ruled out the possibility of a love attachment or commitment or loyalty, so what is the real reason for it? Well there are many possibilities: simple economics, the social status a relationship afforded, or simply the inability to find the right replacement are just a few possibilities. We have to remember that the narcissist can always make up for the perceived deficiencies in their existing partner by filling their free time away from that partner with numerous affairs involving people of every social status and types so in a sense that marriage affords the narcissist more freedom for debauchery than they could ever achieve on their own. On to the next misconception. Some people might make the argument that the target had a lot of positive feelings for and experiences with that narcissist and that because those feelings and experiences were positive the victim should hold onto them. But the problem is these so-called positive feelings are what bind the victim to the narc and they make it difficult to let go and that is decidedly not healthy. Why else isn't it healthy to hold on to these positive feelings? After all the victim invested their heart and soul into that time of their life. Well the answer is clear: because those positive emotions that were genuine are attached to the wholehearted evil negativity and fake persona of the narcissist. In other words those positive emotions are based on a lie. Even though the victim was 100% pure in their intentions this is irrelevant. So this argument definitely doesn't make a case for a healthy way of thinking and is another clear misconception. To look at this an alternate way, the argument goes that the victim's feelings for the narcissist were good and were healthy and were pure and it therefore stands to reason that those feelings of nostalgia for their time with the narc are OK and maybe something to be held onto. Here is another way of seeing the problem with that line of thought: there are numerous drugs that will make you feel good about yourself make you feel good mentally or physically, but many of them are nothing but poison and they erode your sense of self and they eventually destroy you mentally and physically so you could hardly call those toxic products something beneficial because they made you feel good. Getting over a drug addiction and never looking back is a sign of health and similarly purging those positive emotions based on the narcissist's fake persona is also the true sign of health and recovery. Yes, nostalgia for a time of your life is usually a positive emotion, but the misguided nostalgia for the fake, phony, artificial, tragedy of a narc relationship is and absolute blight that has to be eliminated. Just remember this as well, that narcissist walked away from you and never gave you a second thought other than thinking how they could extract further energy from you. So what is the take away from all of this? How do we look back on that relationship with the narc in a way that we can heal? What is the healthy way to see that relationship? No matter how long you were in that relationship with the narcissist you should never take that situation personally anymore than you would take a flood or an accident or earthquake personally. You weren’t responsible for the flood and weren’t responsible for that earthquake and you weren’t responsible for being at the wrong place at the wrong time when that narcissist decided they needed to take their next meal and found you as a ready offering. That meal may have lasted days, weeks, months, years, decades, it’s all the same. Don’t take it personally. Yes of course there was a vulnerability that made you susceptible to the narcissist and with knowledge you have hopefully honed your skills of perception and detection and you will now never allow another narcissist to breach your defenses again. If it’s any consolation the torment, pain and emotional, mental, and physical turmoil, the chaos that the narc produced in your life will one day be felt by that narcissist in all of its strength, undiluted, because despite what the narcissist might want to believe they won’t get away with any of their treachery and they will one day pay. In full. That, or a genuine conversion. One or the other. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.