Spiritual Help For The Narcissist Abuse Victim: The path to healing from narcissist abuse is different for all of us and some people simply prefer purely secular methods of achieving that healing. If this has led to someone's full recovery I am glad for them and wish them a life filled with joy. Any person who has survived an encounter with a narcissist deserves that. However some of us do want to use both secular and spiritual tools and today I would like to specifically focus on some spiritual methods of resolving the damage left after the narcissist has moved on to their next victim. One of the main things that hold the victim back from a full recovery is the issue of resentment for the narc abuse victim. Letting go of that resentment can be a daily exercise and over time we can achieve relative peace in our lives, but resolving that resentment seems a never ending task. Why is this? Well partly because there are so many episodes of abuse and every time the memory of a lie or a cruelty or any sort of abuse comes to the victim's mind the resentment once again wells up in the victim. To compound the problem as time goes on and the victim reassesses that time with the narcissist in light of the truth more and more lies and duplicity come to the surface and the victim seems to have a never ending supply of new revelations of the abuse. A second subconscious reason the victim clings to their resentment is that it may be the only thing that binds them to the narcissist, the only thing that the discarded victim still has to hold on to. So in an unusual twist of events the victim can still be close to the narcissist while they indulge their resentment. The alternative to letting go of the resentment in this case is being alone and that even seems worse for the victim. However, another way of looking at it is that the resentment itself is responsible for the victim isolating themselves. No matter the cause let's make it clear the victim's resentment is a natural response to the cruel and callous actions of the narcissist. Let's remember the narcissist had no mercy whatsoever. That narc saw the suffering of their previous partner and didn't just turn a cold shoulder to that victim, they actually took the opportunity to inflict more pain on their vulnerable ex partner. No compassion, no mercy. So it is quite natural for the resentment to build in the victim as the victim wakes up to what narcissism is and truly begins to comprehend the enormous scale of that narc's duplicity and the mind boggling percentage of lying that the narc had done. Yes with knowledge that resentment just grows and grows. So in a sense, that resentment that goes along with the awakening and knowledge of the victim almost neutralizes the progress gained by the revelations of the truth. So this is where spirituality can have a critical role in reversing that trend. Allowing the victim to learn more and more of the truth, understand what really was happening to them in that relationship, while at the same time not allowing that new information to breed new resentment. I will be exclusively giving the Christian perspective from here on out. To begin healing that resentment spiritually we have to focus on key passages of the Bible and then comprehensively analyze all aspects of what these passages are saying. The first important passage we need to look at is one we have covered numerous times that passage is found in Romans 12 19 “ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” The second equally important passage is found in Galatians 6 7 “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.” So let's break these passages down and really understand what they are saying. First you have to ask yourself do you believe in God? Think about this long and hard and make sure you are answering honestly. If you do then you go to the next step. Do you believe that God is greater than you are and knows more than you do? Are you willing to submit your will to God? Do you trust that God knows what He is talking about? Do you believe that God will always keep His promises? If you have answered all of those questions affirmatively then you can go to the next step. Do you believe that the Bible is God's word and do you believe that the advice given in the Bible is trustworthy? If so then you take the next step and actually start the healing process by taking God's advice and listening to His directions. So what exactly is God telling us in Romans 12 19? Well He is telling us vengeance belongs to Him. So think about what we are doing when we hold on to that need for vengeance. We are literally keeping that need for vengeance and not letting it go. No we aren't holding it in our hands, at least in our hands there would be the possibility of dislodging it. But we are actually holding that urge for vengeance much more closely than by hand, it is in our hearts and has almost become a part of us. God is telling us that that vengeance doesn't belong to us it, belongs to Him and He is telling us to release our grip on that urge for vengeance. To let it go because that vengeance belongs to Him NOT us. So if we insist on holding on to that vengeance, we are at least in our hearts not believing or trusting the advice God is giving us. Now it is understandable that a narc abuse victim has problems trusting, but to not trust God is taking things too far and preventing us from taking His advice. God isn't just saying you should give Him that vengeance and telling you to have a good day, He is also telling you to stay out of His way because He will make sure the narcissist gets their payment. So in a sense that narc will never get their just reward if we don't give God that vengeance. God is clearly saying that the person who has wronged you will be re-payed and more specifically will get God's wrath as payment. If you don't want to believe God or trust God then ultimately that is the source of your not being able to let go of that vengeance. God isn't saying to just let it go, He is saying to have peace, relax He is taking that incredible burden off of your heart and carrying that load for you. He is showing you the path to peace, but to achieve that peace you have to listen to God. But just in case you aren't quite satisfied with that answer there is more information and that is contained in Galatians 6 7. Now the concept of karma is widely known and believed and most people believe in that concept to a certain extent. That concept of karma is open to wide interpretation with some going as far as putting themselves in the place of God. Yes the deluded narc actually called herself a goddess and made the statement that Karma was going to visit itself upon me because she was greatly displeased. Well of course that deluded narc thought she was being cute and cleaver with those threats, but in her own mind she really believed herself to have that kind of authority and by making those statements she gave away her total ignorance of how “cosmic retribution” actually functions. So let's dispense with the term karma and be more specific. You reap what you sew. Period. Yes there is a God that will provide the payment but He is decidedly male and decidedly apart from being human. So think about what the concept of sewing something means. It means you plant a seed and that small seed will eventually mature into a plant that is exponentially larger and of a totally different nature than the seed that it sprang from. In the same way that evil and all of that terrible abuse that narcissist perpetrated upon the victim will also germinate and grow and eventually the narcissist will have to reap that mature harvest. So the victim has to keep this in mind. We victims truly loved that narcissist and did nothing but good for them we also sewed seeds, but our seeds were of a positive nature. So the victim will also reap the product of their seeds the good product. What does this all mean? Well the narcissist will pay for all of their evil and you if you have done good for that narcissist and truly loved them will also be rewarded for all of those acts of love that were wasted on the unappreciative narcissist. I only have one narcissist as a tangible example, but that narcissist was continually alluding to all of the terrible abuse she had suffered at the hands of her mother and her mother's boyfriends as well as a previous partner. Her descriptions of the cruelty that had been perpetrated on her were heartbreaking to me and made me that much more committed to showing her that love did exist and that all of her suffering was not in vain. She had shunned both her siblings and her mother because of the alleged abuse. To be sure she had not been given a ideal childhood. But that was before. Before the abuse, cruelty and treachery she had perpetrated upon me. To be sure what she did to me far eclipsed any of her accounts of that deprived childhood of hers. Yes, that narc was far worse than that mother of hers and those siblings of hers. Or those boyfriends. Yet she continues to consider herself the victim. It stands to reason that even when it came to her time growing up it was she who had been the worst and most toxic member of that family. I want to believe that she never did worse to anyone than what she did to me, but I can't be sure of that. Let's be clear, I didn't deserve that treatment. It was totally unjustified. And yes she shunned me just as she did the rest of her family. Never a chance to explain and try to clear up the misunderstanding. Yes I have the scars to prove it and I just contemplated the fact that if these scars that I see are seeds. What will those full grown plants look like when she finally reaps them? That is a frightening thought and I sincerely hope that she avoids her punishment and accepts Jesus as her savior. But that stubborn self entitled deluded fool will never bow her knee to God and therefore those seeds will grow into the plants that she will one day reap. Of course those scars that are visible are just a small percentage of the damage and evil she has committed through the course of her existence. Do you now get it? Holding on to that need for vengeance and being concerned if the narc will ever pay is not only holding you back from healing, but it is stealing your peace. The frustration of having lost that investment that you made in that narcissist is also not justified. Both your positive and good reward and the narc's reward of punishment will be taken care of by God. The narcissist has one way and only one way out,: Accept Jesus as their Savior. So remember, the narcissist will reap what they have sewn, and it will be a bitter harvest. Yes, the narc was in a position to grant forgiveness even if that was for a perceived wrong done to them. Yes, the narc was in a position to give someone a hearing to listen to their concerns, but the narc refused. Not even 5 minutes of a two way conversation after a sudden discard and that conversation was nothing but lies and gaslighting. Not 5 minutes for someone they had told for 3 years they committed their lives to. Not 5 minutes for someone who never did anything to them but love them. Then all contact was forbidden. Yes, the narcissist was in a position to show compassion when it was absolutely needed, but they sternly refused. One day that narc will also be in that position and ask for mercy, but if it is after they die it will be too late. Here is the difference: the narc had a lifetime of being able to make up for their sins and a lifetime to ask for mercy and they would have received it. To say that they will pay for all of the evil they have done plus interest is really a gross understatement when you contemplate the difference between a seed and the mature plant that grows from it. Please also remember that the victim will not lose any of the kindness, compassion, love and concern that they gave to that narc. That good was not wasted, it will come back to the victim, in abundance. So after all that the narc has done, does any sane human being really think the narcissist deserves any compassion or understanding? After all the narc takes anything that is good and turns it to filth. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Narcissist Always Gives Up and They Are Never Real: The narcissist is an adult with the emotional maturity of a five year old and when someone hears that statement for the first time they think that this must be a gross exaggeration. Surely this can't be true. The narcissist is an adult, they have lived life. It isn't possible. So, OK, maybe they are at the maturity level of a young adult or maybe a teenager. That narc has gone gray, they certainly look like and adult and they know how to appear as a mature adult, but the emotional maturity of a five year old? That is hard to believe. That narcissist proved to be a competent employee over the course of their lives. For the time of their brief employment at one job then the next. They were a father or a mother, they were a husband or a wife, they were active in charities. No, that is ridiculous, no way can they have the emotional maturity of a five year old. How is that even possible? Well let's try to get some answers. One of the narc's many flaws, you could call it an Achilles heel but the problem is the narc has many Achilles heels not just the one or two an average person might have, is that they are unable to commit to anything. Be it an individual job, a career, or any form of relationship. Yes, the relationship could be that of sibling, daughter or son, friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, significant other, spouse,or sadly even parent, the narc will only give the bare minimum of commitment and always be looking over the horizon for the next experience. So yes, the narc always gives up. They do this throughout their existence and the astonishing thing is they can't see the obvious in their lives. Of course, there are successful covert narcissists who can still fully ply their trade while maintaining a career. For the most part these successful narcs wield power or work a menial job. Either way, they are then afforded plenty of personal freedom either mentally or physically since their work environment gives them that free reign. This also applies to those narcs in long term relationships and marriages. If the narc can find a way to keep their fantasy existence alive then those long term relationships or careers are just fine, since they have use for the narc. But make no mistake, there is never any love or commitment to those careers or partners although to the partner and even to the people at the workplace it may appear the narc is dedicated and committed. However, we are talking about the average covert narcissist, not those exceptional ones. The average narcissist can't understand why their world is always in turmoil and they are always in a state of irresolution. They don't understand why they never have peace and the main reason is that when there is peace , they need to “stir the pot”, they get bored, they need to move on. Keep in mind, the narc is covert in their lack of commitment. Yes, the narc will continue to pose as the loyal employee, sister, daughter, spouse, girlfriend, parent all the while making plans for their exit. So then it is just a matter of trying to exit gracefully with a plausible excuse and making their plans without anyone detecting what is going on inside of that warped mind of theirs. Honestly, the incoherent, inconsistent, illogical, irrational world inside that narc's mind is not something a sane person could ever fully comprehend. That might be a good thing, but sane people who have had their lives destroyed by a narc unfortunately do have to understand that warped world to a certain extent. It's necessary for the victim to understand, to get their feet back on the ground, and put that narc experience in perspective. It is necessary for the victim's own personal sanity. Yes, the world the narcissist created for us was surreal, but that surreal world still has to be put into the context of the real world. Yes the surreal world was made a part of the victim's real world, whether they realized it was a farce or not. It needs to be mentioned though, that what we are describing, the narc engaging in treachery and deception, and the incredible depth and scope of their lying, is never seen as unjustified or evil to the narcissist themselves. Somehow the narcissist always has full self-justification for their actions. They will always somehow vilify the person or job or friend or relative or spouse that they are about to stab in the back. Yes the narc always sees all that they do as noble. They always see themselves as the righteous ones that have been terribly abused and mistreated. Yes, there are those self-aware narcissists, but by and large many, probably even the majority of narcissists, do see themselves as righteous. That self righteousness is the fuel that keeps them going, that allows them to perfectly deny the obvious damage they have done to every person whose lives they have touched. Those victims serve as both the outright enemy as well as the scapegoat for any culpability that hits a little too close to home for the narcissist. Yes, when the narc's treachery even comes close to implicating the narc themselves and threatens to cause the narcissist unneeded, or unexpected, or unwanted damage, the narc engages in warping reality. They change the situation through gaslighting, or any other form of lying and deception and refuse to see or accept responsibility or take the blame for their own actions. But ultimately, all of those methods pale in comparison to the narc's secret weapon of scapegoating. The narcissist's highly developed talent for scapegoating is the ultimate cure for their problems. Scapegoating washes the narcissist's misdeeds clean, gives a never ending supply of fuel for their self righteousness and creates an enemy for them to focus the rest of the people in their world on. It totally takes the attention off of the narcissist and even the narcissist is more than willing to believe their own tales of victim-hood. Yes, there are plenty of willing enablers, flying monkeys, to back up the narcissist's fabricated claims. The bottom line is the narcissist always takes the easiest way out, regardless of the damage done to others and never has any consideration whatsoever for the truth. It now becomes clear why scapegoating comes naturally to the narcissist. So, it also starts becoming easier to link the narc's stunted emotional growth to always giving up. Yes, “going when the going gets tough” is one of the many keys to explaining why the narcissist never matures, never even comes close to the level of maturity that their chronological age and there life experience and their outward persona would seem to point to. Yes, the narc has certainly learned to put on the pretense of maturity, to say and do things that appear, are perceived as mature, but it is only on the surface, an act, a farce. People who are unfamiliar with narcissism or have just recently met the narc might never understand the ruse that narc is perpetrating, but eventually, with time the narc's immaturity comes to the surface and this is usually when the narc begins to think about greener pastures. So if the narc senses they will soon be found out and will no longer be able to maintain the farce, they begin an exit strategy. On the other hand, if for some reason the narcissist is able to successfully pull the wool over people's eyes and maintain the farce, the narc then becomes bored. Yes, the narc gets bored and then begins scheming and planning. A successful farce means the narc is compelled to find something more challenging and can't help themselves but to look forward to a different venue, a new persona, another performance. Somewhere else. Yes, always giving up is clearly related to the narc's stunted emotional growth. But if there are any doubts we need to think about what happens when the narc's cleverly constructed persona is put to the test and occasionally falls to pieces. Yes, the above plans to move on, to leave are accelerated when the going begins getting tough. When the narc sees any excessive adversity or struggle they are simply given a greater incentive to engage in all of their above wiles, methods of operation. Yes, that commitment, loyalty, love, concern, respect on the part of the narcissist are all a ruse, but that ruse falls to pieces, is either partially or even fully exposed when it is put to the test. Yes, under those circumstances the narcissist gives themselves away or has great difficulty in maintaining that false persona. Once the narc knows the game is up, they simply exit. Gracefully if possible, but sometimes in any way necessary. When this departure in the face of adversity doesn't go smoothly and the narc is placed under unexpected stress there is a high risk for their true persona, the creature under the mask to be fully or partially exposed. When this does happen it creates shock in those unaware of the possibility of covert narcissism. No normal human can conceive of an intimate partner transforming into a stranger, a different persona right in front of their eyes after years of being together. No matter, the narc leaves and engages all of their carefully honed methods of protection with fluid ease. Yes, that treachery and duplicity and lying have been matured and developed to a high art. Yes, the ability to put on a fake persona has been developed to a high art as well. Just the actual person has been allowed to remain emotionally stunted at the level of a five year old. So it now begins coming into focus why the narc will be both the perennial victim and also the perpetual emotional five year old, as hard as that is to believe. The narc always gives up, always runs away when the going gets tough or conversely, when the farce they put on is no longer a challenge. So, therefore the narc never grows or matures emotionally. Only their lying, treachery, deceit, duplicity grow and mature. But of what use are those evil traits to anyone? They have no value, they are useless and even worse they do incredible damage. To others, and occasionally to the narc. But if the narc ever sees any damage to themselves, their inner five year old kicks in. That child that always has to get even, that always has to win, that always has to be right. At all costs. Then the narc goes nuclear with everything that they were about to discard anyway being vaporized. But the narc often suffers severe collateral damage themselves. No matter, as long as the victim is suffering more than they, they have still won. Yes, maturity comes from dealing with adversity, holding to a commitment and making it work, be it in a friendship, a relationship, a marriage, a career. That is how people mature and over time the benefits of sticking it out, of staying steady and firm in your commitment do show benefits. No, those benefits aren't immediate or obvious but for those who have stuck it out in situations that weren't ideal we reap the benefits. The narc will never understand or experience those benefits or ever mature. Yes, healthy people put up their best efforts to stick it out under adversity if that is what is called for. We don't always succeed, sometimes we fail, and then we have to persevere and try again. Sometimes we do have to give up, but when we give up it will be after having tried everything, having left no stone unturned, having gone the extra mile and more. Regardless, we learn and do better next time and sometimes the lesson is to let go, to stop trying. That is what maturing is all about. Sadly, the narcissist takes even that healthy attitude of a sane person trying to persevere and hold on to a commitment and perverts and twists it into an evil. Yes, the narc walks away from a committed relationship, accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the commitments that they have made and calls their partner, that did make a genuine commitment, crazy. Especially if that partner dares to seek answers. Yes, the committed person who can't immediately let go and walk away from a commitment that they made is the crazy one. The narc is the sane one. Sadly the cold hearted callousness of the narcissist does make them appear sane. To the uninformed public. We know otherwise. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Victim Status and it’s Link to Narcissism: The term victim and it’s relationship to narcissism abuse. There is an ongoing debate about the use of the term victim with regard to someone who has been abused by a narcissist. Many seem to feel that the term victim gives power to the narcissist. In addition there is the danger that someone calling themselves a victim gets sucked into the Karpman’s triangle and becomes addicted to that way of thinking, always needing to play one of the roles in that triangle. However, when the person is functionally an actual victim, shying away from that term is really just another act of denial. When the person is in an active full-fledged all encompassing relationship with a narcissist and that narc pulls up roots very suddenly without any warning or notice and immediately transfers their loyalty, their emotional loyalty and all of their intimate emotions as well as physical intimacy to another human being and flaunts that fact on a public forum, that makes the previous partner a victim. Oh yes, the narc was a “respectable” person, so they were very careful to broadcast that physical intimacy by quoting the verses of a song. A song that boasted about needing a new physical connection, a new lover, and needing it badly, right away. Well that narc didn't need it badly, they already had it, but that wasn't the point. They wanted to make sure the victim knew without saying it directly. So yes, the narcissist victimizes their previous partner and purposely tortures them emotionally when that narc rubs the new relationship into the victim's nose. After numerous other things the narc perpetrated against their previous partner, that partner having their livelihood and their personal life destroyed, that person naturally wants some answers. The only response is no contact from the narcissist. Make no mistake no contact is abuse. Someone who was promised heaven and earth by the narcissist and was told by the narc they had made a lifetime commitment was owed answers and owed some time to voice their concerns. But the narc refused. The narc did what they always do, they did what was best for themselves and for themselves alone, regardless of the consequences to anyone else. So what if the victim lost their business or lost their life. Not an ounce of effort would be put in to that previous ex. The discard was final. The narc was having too much fun with the new weasel partner in shining armor. Part of that fun was torturing the ex partner in tandem. What better way for two narcissists to bond. So you are not doing justice to this scenario by calling the ex a target, they are a victim plain and simple. No this is not being a target, it’s being a victim. There’s no pride in announcing to the world that you have been discarded, it does nothing to boost your ego or make you an admirable person to those who hear what you’ve just said, but that isn't the point. The point is to be truthful, to state the situation as it actually is. Doing less is just denying the truth and if you’re denying the truth how can you ever really look at the problem and understand how to heal yourself? So in the same way victim status and the term victim are extremely essential to use for one reason and one reason alone, because they are simply the truth. You are stating a fact. Of course you were also a target and that is true, especially when the narc first laid their eyes on you and made their plans to ensnare you. But functionally, at any point in time after the mirroring idealization phase when you started being devalued all the way to the end of that relationship when you were discarded and even afterwards when the abuse actually snowballed and continued nearly driving you to suicide, at each of those points you were not just the target but functionally and very specifically you were a victim. So when is it dangerous to use that term victim? Well it involves thinking of yourself as a victim after that narcissist abuse has finished and living the rest of your life defining yourself as a victim. Please note, this doesn't apply to people who were in a relationship with that narcissist for decades or to those who suffered with narcissist families. We are talking about those of us who were in that relationship for shorter periods of time. Let's say less than a decade. To heal we must encapsulate, put a wall around that time with the narcissist, and call ourselves a victim during that time with the narcissist. We do that because we were a victim. We deal with the reality of having been a victim. We deal with the consequences of that abuse. We heal ourselves and then we move on, and in that way we have been honest with the world and with ourselves. We were a victim but we aren’t a victim anymore. Yes we were always the target from the day that narc laid their eyes on us. But after healing has taken place we walk away victorious, a victim no longer. So what about those of us who were involved with a narcissist and had a family with them and share children? What about those who spent decades with a narc and were unaware of narcissism and could never put their finger on why that relationship was always in chaos and turmoil ? What about those of us who were raised by narc parents or were in a narc family? I am not qualified to say but I will make an educated guess. The process is the same, but here is the problem, those narcissists that victimized us have become a part of our person, they are a part of our identity and therefore the task of separating ourselves or divorcing ourselves from these narcissists becomes very time consuming and intensive. We are able to slowly do this by gaining knowledge about narcissism and applying that knowledge to our personal situation and realizing that all of those times when we were in opposition to those narcs and were told we were wrong we were actually right. We can heal from that long term narc abuse by eliminating those toxic people from our lives as much as is possible and surrounding ourselves with like minded positive thinking people with good attitudes. The healing can take place and there is the possibility of also putting victim status in the past. Yes, that same process of encapsulation and divorce can take place, but that process is different, more complex and will admittedly take far longer. So what is the ultimate take away from all of this? Our role was a victim in that relationship but the victim is not who we are. Victim does not define us. We could call ourselves survivors but there’s another problem with that term. It continues to look back at that time we had with a narcissist. The best term we can use is we were a victim, honestly use that term and admit that we were a victim, then heal ourselves. We encapsulate that time with the narcissist as a sad chapter of our life and divorce ourselves totally from that situation. We then go on with our lives having learned our lesson from that situation and go on better than we were before that tragedy of the narcissist ever came into our lives. That is the healthy attitude of a fully healed human being that was once a target and yes also once a victim, but that will never defined them. This is in stark contrast to the narcissist who is actually defined as a narcissist. It’s actually who and what they are. You can escape and move on and live a normal life. That narc will have an almost impossible task to escape what they are, what they see in the mirror every single day. Yes, the narcissist is correct about being a perennial victim, but they are mistaken about who the perpetrator is. The perpetrator that makes the narcissist a victim is the narcissist themselves. Yes the narcissist is a victim of their own narcissism and they can’t escape that narcissism very easily. The true victim is only under the illusion that they have to be a victim forever, they can walk away and more importantly the victim can avoid any future entanglements with narcissists. Yes, think of it as being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If it wasn't us, it would have been someone else that would have been "blessed" with that relationship. We will look for the all important qualities of EMPATHY, and a genuine ability to love in future partners. Partners who flatter then start lying can take a hike. NO we are not getting into another situation trying to help a "broken" person and then start making excuses for their rude and unacceptable behavior because they had a "bad childhood" and can't help themselves. Let someone else have that problem. If they can live with a narcissist and survive, good for them. We have better things to do with our lives. We paid our dues. We learned. We now expect what everyone should expect in a relationship,: someone who wants to reciprocate emotions and share life together and is able to commit to someone and be loyal. Someone who has the ability to respect their partner and treat them as an equal. Anything less is not acceptable. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.

Misconceptions About the Narcissist Relationship That Prevent the Victim From Healing: The target of narcissist abuse that has been used and then discarded can oftentimes have great difficulty in letting go of the thought of that relationship. This is both by the design of the narcissist and by the false conception in the target's mind that that time they spent with the narcissist was an actual relationship. Make no mistake the relationship was very real for the victim and the victim had all of the emotions any normal person would have in a normal relationship. What was missing is that the narc was never in that relationship at all. The narc never invested themselves into the relationship and never reciprocated that relationship to their partner. The narc was with that target solely for the purpose of getting a new experience, gathering new material for their next new false persona and most important of all getting the target primed so that they could draw out all of that person's energy for themselves. So the narcissist certainly also called that a relationship but the narc's definition of a relationship is clearly NOT a relationship at all, it is merely a contract to allow mining of the victim's resources with the false promise of future gain. So in some ways this parallels the exploitation of the resources of third world countries. Somehow that promise of prosperity for allowing a more powerful nation or a corporation to take the resources never actually materializes into any tangible benefits for the citizens of that country. So yes, the narc calls their victimization of the target a relationship but it is clear it is no relationship at all on the narcissist's part. The victim certainly sees their time with a narc in the conventional way and treats that experience as an actual relationship. No, we aren't blaming the victim, since we have to keep in mind that in the mirroring idealization phase there were actual tangible evidences of a relationship but with the gradual, imperceptible erosion of those beneficial experiences in the devaluation phase, the target was eventually brought into a world of turmoil and uncertainty. By then the victim was well committed to that narc and there was no choice but to maintain hope by accepting promises of future prosperity and happiness. Yes the narc actually encouraged that line of thinking. All the victim needed to do was try a little harder and when those goals were nearly achieved the narc simply moved the goalposts. Yes, at that point the victim was hooked and the narc had free reign to call all of the shots. No this wasn't a relationship but the victim was now in a deep fog and totally disconnected from reality and accepting this farce of a relationship as the genuine item. So yes, the target goes through the cycle of idealization-mirroring, devaluation, and final discard never seeing any of it. They are locked into the false notion that this relationship with that narc is a genuine one, a union where there partner views that relationship the same way that they do and that is the first misconception: the misconception that you are in a reciprocal relationship. Yes it is a relationship but a one-sided one, a relationship where only the target is actually treating it as such and investing the effort. The next misconception is that the target, viewing that time with the narc as an actual relationship believes wholeheartedly that that narc was brought into their life for a reason. Yes, a religious person who was waiting for over a decade for God to bring someone to them would naturally view that narc as an answer to their prayer. That is of course not the case, but after the discard the victim still has much confusion trying to understand the meaning of that narcissist in their lives. Sadly this confusion can go on for months years and even decades if the victim never finally comes to the realization that the relationship was not a relationship at all. Yes, the false notion that their experience with the narcissist was an actual relationship is a major roadblock on the journey to a full recovery and as such needs to be overcome with the light of truth. So a target might think “ Why did God allow this person into my life if not for a relationship?” “The minute that person walked through the door it was predestined that we would be together so how could this not be God's will?” Well here is the key to understanding this confusing scenario. Practically speaking, that narc wasn't a person that came into your life, they were a tragedy, a natural disaster that destroyed your life like a tornado, flood, earthquake, illness, mugging, rape, assault, etc. but in slow motion. The fact that this tragedy came upon the victim in the form of something that resembled a relationship is where the problem lies. Yes it looked like the narcissist cared, yes the victim was experiencing all of the emotions of a genuine relationship and to outsiders it also looked like a genuine relationship. So the target could be forgiven for not understanding why that relationship happened to them. Why did that relationship really occur? What was really going on? That narc was looking for a target. They were going to find someone and just like a wolf or tiger on the prowl or any other predator they were looking at the herd and specifically targeting the weak and the vulnerable. The young, the old, and the injured. So in a sense the narc saw that vulnerability in the target and couldn't help themselves. Let's be clear the vulnerabilities in the victim, empathy, the ability to care about and genuinely love others, and a selfless attitude were hardly a weaknesses but they are vulnerabilities and the narc had carefully honed their skills to take advantage of a person who cared, who trusted others, and believed the best of those around them. Yes, the narc could take full advantage of every one of those character traits. So here is the real core of the argument: that flood, that tornado, that earthquake, they never masqueraded as anything that was good, as anything that you might want to look back on and be happy about. Those tragedies, as bad as they were, were at least honest and presented themselves as what they actually were: a tragedy plain and simple. No sugar coating. And because those tragedies presented themselves as what they actually were, as negative occurrences, they could be overcome more easily. The next misconception on the part of the target is that their genuine love for the narcissist was something the narcissist valued and more importantly the target's love was something that the narcissist never had before, that somehow the target's love was “special”. Yes, the target put a huge effort into understanding the narcissist, trying to understand why the narc was always unhappy, in turmoil and plagued. Trying to fathom why the narc was always saying they weren't going to a good place. Trying to find a way to build a lasting, stable relationship with that narc. Accepting that narc unconditionally with all of their flaws. The flaws that only started showing up in the devaluation phase and seemed to grow exponentially as the relationship ran it's course. Yes, the victim was convinced that the narc simply needed one person that would hold on and not give up on them and finally get them to make that breakthrough and become the person that the target believed the narc could always be. Yes, the target saw the potential in that narcissist, they saw their “greatness” and that target made it their life's purpose to get that narc past all of their fears, phobias, resentments, envy, and darkness so that maybe that narc could finally achieve that greatness and have peace and stability in their lives. But here is the problem. The narcissist NEVER valued any of the love that the target gave them. The narc couldn't even appreciate that love because they didn't have the capacity to. Moreover, that love was nothing special to the narc. The narcissist may have stated you were only the second person they had ever been with, but the reality is that narc repeated this cycle of deceiving others into loving them and giving them that “special” love many times before. So here is the reality: nothing you had to offer wasn't given to the narcissist previously. The sad reality is that nothing will ever turn that narcopath around. When you start clearing up these misconceptions it becomes much easier to divorce yourself from that narcissist and that is our goal: to take every vestige of that creature out of our hearts and minds and to fully clear ourselves of every trace of those toxins that the narc infused us with. In which other ways does the victim have a unique experience that causes misconceptions and prevents closure? Well the narc can never make a clean cut so when there is the possibility for the relationship to end equitably they can't be satisfied. So the narc makes sure to traumatize and threaten the target after the relationship ends ensuring that the target will have no opportunity whatsoever to get them out of their mind. This can be called trauma bonding and of course this was the same tool that was being used by the narc throughout the post idealization phase of the relationship, but for the grand finale the narc pulled out all of the stops and became vicious beyond belief. Yes, the threats made meant the target was constantly thinking about the narc and looking over their shoulder. This created the ultimate trauma bond in the victim. Why is this done if the narc has already moved on? Well the simple answer is that the narc can't resist the urge to draw even more energy from the victim. So where does the misconception come in? Eventually the victim comes to their senses,wakes up and sees the reality of that narcissist as the loveless, calloused, cretin that they were and realizes that so called relationship was nothing but an intricately planned con and then the rage and anger begins. Well in their mind the victim-target is convinced that their resentment and anger for the narcissist will somehow actually produce justice. The victim thinks that their anger will somehow transfer to the narcissist and make that narc pay, actually feel the deep emotional pain and suffering that they have caused the victim. But sadly only the victim is really hurt by holding on to those feelings of resentment. The narc isn't effected in any way by those feelings that the victim has. If anything the narc knowing that the victim is still deeply wounded will only give the narc more energy to draw from the victim. What is the takeaway for the victim? Your victory over the narcissist occurs when you have given up that anger altogether. The anger and rage don't help you and it in no way effect the narcissist, at least not the way you would like them to. You need to remember that every time those rage producing thoughts come to mind of the cruelty perpetrated upon you by the narc, you have to fight them, you have to give yourself the truth that the narcissist is long gone and they could care less about you other than the possibility of once again torturing you and getting negative energy from you. You have only one source of relief, that is you yourself, and you have only one enemy, that is you yourself. The faster you purge that narcissist out of every atom of your mind, heart, and spirit, the sooner you get them out of your mental and emotional and physical environment the faster you will heal. That is your goal and the pathway to a full and complete recovery. So, the statement that you were never in a relationship with that narcissist solicits further clarification and discussion. We are talking about a relationship with a pathological covert narcissist, somebody who never had the ability to love their partner, somebody who never had the ability to care about their partner, somebody who was calloused and had no remorse about anything that they did to that partner and this is the key to all of the statements that we have made. It doesn't matter if you’ve been in that relationship for weeks, months, years, or decades, whether you were married to the person, whether you share children with that person, it was never a real relationship. So you might wonder why someone who never loved you would stay in the relationship for all that time. We’ve already ruled out the possibility of a love attachment or commitment or loyalty, so what is the real reason for it? Well there are many possibilities: simple economics, the social status a relationship afforded, or simply the inability to find the right replacement are just a few possibilities. We have to remember that the narcissist can always make up for the perceived deficiencies in their existing partner by filling their free time away from that partner with numerous affairs involving people of every social status and types so in a sense that marriage affords the narcissist more freedom for debauchery than they could ever achieve on their own. On to the next misconception. Some people might make the argument that the target had a lot of positive feelings for and experiences with that narcissist and that because those feelings and experiences were positive the victim should hold onto them. But the problem is these so-called positive feelings are what bind the victim to the narc and they make it difficult to let go and that is decidedly not healthy. Why else isn't it healthy to hold on to these positive feelings? After all the victim invested their heart and soul into that time of their life. Well the answer is clear: because those positive emotions that were genuine are attached to the wholehearted evil negativity and fake persona of the narcissist. In other words those positive emotions are based on a lie. Even though the victim was 100% pure in their intentions this is irrelevant. So this argument definitely doesn't make a case for a healthy way of thinking and is another clear misconception. To look at this an alternate way, the argument goes that the victim's feelings for the narcissist were good and were healthy and were pure and it therefore stands to reason that those feelings of nostalgia for their time with the narc are OK and maybe something to be held onto. Here is another way of seeing the problem with that line of thought: there are numerous drugs that will make you feel good about yourself make you feel good mentally or physically, but many of them are nothing but poison and they erode your sense of self and they eventually destroy you mentally and physically so you could hardly call those toxic products something beneficial because they made you feel good. Getting over a drug addiction and never looking back is a sign of health and similarly purging those positive emotions based on the narcissist's fake persona is also the true sign of health and recovery. Yes, nostalgia for a time of your life is usually a positive emotion, but the misguided nostalgia for the fake, phony, artificial, tragedy of a narc relationship is and absolute blight that has to be eliminated. Just remember this as well, that narcissist walked away from you and never gave you a second thought other than thinking how they could extract further energy from you. So what is the take away from all of this? How do we look back on that relationship with the narc in a way that we can heal? What is the healthy way to see that relationship? No matter how long you were in that relationship with the narcissist you should never take that situation personally anymore than you would take a flood or an accident or earthquake personally. You weren’t responsible for the flood and weren’t responsible for that earthquake and you weren’t responsible for being at the wrong place at the wrong time when that narcissist decided they needed to take their next meal and found you as a ready offering. That meal may have lasted days, weeks, months, years, decades, it’s all the same. Don’t take it personally. Yes of course there was a vulnerability that made you susceptible to the narcissist and with knowledge you have hopefully honed your skills of perception and detection and you will now never allow another narcissist to breach your defenses again. If it’s any consolation the torment, pain and emotional, mental, and physical turmoil, the chaos that the narc produced in your life will one day be felt by that narcissist in all of its strength, undiluted, because despite what the narcissist might want to believe they won’t get away with any of their treachery and they will one day pay. In full. That, or a genuine conversion. One or the other. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Cognitive Dissonance and the Recovering Narcissist Abuse Victim: Cognitive dissonance can have a number of different meanings but for the purposes of our discussion we will define it in two ways: 1 when a person is confronted by new information that conflicts with existing beliefs, ideas, or values and 2 when a person has two opposing thoughts that contradict each other and shouldn't be logically present in the same person. Cognitive dissonance is oftentimes the aftermath of our encounter with a covert narcissist and it disrupts a person's internal consistency or you could call it mental and emotional integration. The return to internal integration, regaining consistency in our thoughts and emotions is one of the key goals of recovering from narc abuse. It marks a return to sanity after living in the world of insanity that the narcissist surrounded us with. How does this play out for the victim or target? Well, the first cause of cognitive dissonance is something that happens to the target while in the relationship with a narcissist. What happens is that for whatever reason the narcissist's mask slips off, most likely due to some sort of trauma or stress that occurs while in the presence of their partner and all of the sudden the narcissist literally becomes a different person that the narc's partner has never known before. This can be quite shocking because many a victim that has been in a long term relationship with a narc has had numerous suspicions that mounted during the course of the relationship, and yet that victim was all too ready to accept the tenuous explanations that the narcissist gave. But then all of the sudden that mask slips off and years of accumulating doubts and suspicions are suddenly confirmed and the extent of the fraud that was perpetrated against the victim comes clearly into focus. In an instant the victim understands completely that the partner they are with was not the person they presented themselves to be. The overload of this sudden realization that their partner is not who they believed them to be creates the first type of cognitive dissonance for the victim. The course of the next few days after the incidence of the unmasking can push the narcissist into a corner, making the narcissist even further unmask themselves. In some instances the vicious creature that comes from under that mask is almost unimaginable for that person's partner. Yes this creates deep emotional wounds, and the inner integration of the victim, the victim's view of their entire world is literally made illogical. Yes the victim has been made situationally insane. The mind is thrown into turmoil and needs to regain it's sanity, it's equilibrium. That means that a normal sane person wants their ideas of their world, their place in the world, and their opinion of their place in the world to all be consistent with reality. Yes that is the definition of sanity and a sane person is continually doing their best to see themselves, their world and their relationship to that world in as clear and accurate a way as possible. The narcissist's brand of dysfunction is the exact opposite. The narc has a totally inaccurate, skewed, warped sense of themselves and how they relate to their environment. So the narcissist actually seeks out and thrives in that fantasy world that bears only a very slight resemblance to reality. So, in effect that warped thinking is now foisted upon the victim and that cognitive dissonance is not what a sane human being wants to live with. Yes, in a sense the victim was already infected with the narcissist's virus without seeing any signs in themselves. But now that dormant infection is becoming virulent, active and the signs of dysfunction are now clearly evident in the thinking patterns and actions of the victim. So how does the victim respond to their introduction to the bizarre, surreal world they have been suddenly thrown into? Well the first order of business is to get answers and figure out what was really true and what was false during the years or decades spent with the narcissist. Of course the narc may just walk away from the relationship and go no contact and that means very few answers are coming from the narcissist. In fact any “help” the narc gives you on your quest for the truth will probably just be more disinformation in and effort to disorient you further so that you never see the truth of what happened. Yes the narcissist already had contingency plans and simply put those plans into action. Part of the preparation was a labyrinth of pre-planned lies to totally confuse and wear down their partner so that the partner would never know what was actually going on in the relationship. The victim will be able to get many answers, but at a certain point there has to be a realization and acceptance that most of what went on in the narc's head and a good deal of what they were doing while on their own, away from their partner, will never be known by the victim. The answers that are helpful will come from an awareness of narcissism as well as self-awareness, the victim understanding of how they were vulnerable to and targeted by the narcissist. Yes answers will come and the truth will be revealed but it takes work and effort. The narcissist will never be of any use whatsoever in the healing process. So the victim works on themselves and makes a great deal of progress but they are still confronted with more cognitive dissonance and this is the long term form or the second type as described previously. So what is going on inside the victim in this second type of cognitive dissonance? Well in this case the victim is confronted with the conflicting emotions of still deeply loving and caring for their previous partner and wanting to be with them and simultaneously they have deep rage and anger for that narc, view the ex partner as their greatest enemy, someone dangerous and to be avoided. So yes this is definitely cognitive dissonance and the whole concept of loving and hating someone, wanting them in your arms and no where near you at the same time is illogical. It makes no sense at all. But the sequence of events that led you to this point are the direct result of the fraud that was perpetrated upon you by the narcissist. It is the result of you loving a person that never existed and being totally repulsed by the creature that was the real person lurking behind that mask. So we get back to our goal, our journey back to inner integration and it now becomes clear that that cognitive dissonance is one of our greatest sources of turmoil. We have placed our finger on a key area that needs to be worked on and is holding us back. So how can we reverse this situation? Well, we start by realizing and continually emphasizing to ourselves that the person we loved never existed, that our feelings of love are misplaced and even though love is meant to be forever and not meant to be turned off in this case it is critical for us to kill that aberrant love. We need to do this before we get into another relationship, or we may never really be in the position to truly invest ourselves into another person and that is our ultimate goal. The second part of our aberrant thinking is the rage and anger and the urge to seek vengeance and those emotions are absolutely appropriate, but by the same token they are toxic and they are a roadblock to our recovery and they prevent us from enjoying peace. So for that reason the rage and urge to seek vengeance has to be fought and eliminated. Yes, that virus was inside of us throughout the relationship, going ever deeper into our cells and almost becoming a part of our DNA. It was a part of us and it seemed natural, almost normal for us to have that virus. The virus seemed harmless enough but to outsiders the effects of that chronic infection were becoming more and more obvious. Then the virus became virulent and brought us to our knees and we could no longer deny that there was something wrong, that we were infected with a pathogen, a malignant pathogen that was incompatible with living a normal life. We were forced to seek a cure. Some of us treated the symptoms and got relief but it was never long lasting. That cognitive dissonance was just being masked. But true healing requires us to treat the cause of our problems. Yes, to truly heal we need to treat that virus, eliminate it from the body fully and that means focusing on eliminating those toxic thoughts that are the result of the incalculable treachery and cruelty inflicted upon us by the narcissist. Yes, that rage and the incredibly dark emotions that you never experienced before that narc abuse have to be acknowledged then eliminated, given to God and disavowed. As we eliminate those toxic thoughts and emotions more will come to the surface and each and every time those toxins need to be purged. It will take time, but eventually the poison will be fully out of our systems. It is then that life can begin again and you can put that narcissist and their toxicity into the garbage bin of history. After all we are dwellers in the light. Yes the world tells us it is cool to be dark and the narc byes into this lie hook line and sinker. But that darkness is nothing to boast about and the reality of that attitude has pretty dire consequences. Eternal consequences. No Joke. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you.

The Choices That Narcissists Make: There is an ongoing debate as to what causes narcissism and the desire to come up with the ultimate answer leads some people to decide that a narcissist is born that way while others place an emphasis on the environment the narcissist grows up in and believe that to be the cause. This is the debate between nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). The problem is the fact that each person is different and every environment is different meaning that no one answer can be applied to any one individual. The truth is that the final outcome that produces the covert pathological narcissist is a “team effort” of nature and nurture. In some narcs the cause may be nearly all nature in others nearly all nurture in yet others it is a more equal combination of the two. The cluster of pathological traits that includes narcissism is a subject of intense study among mental health professionals, but the safe conclusion to come to as to what causes narcissism is that both genetic predisposition and environment play a role. Here is a brief clip of a ted x talk presented by Simon Baron Cohen to explain the role nature and environment play in empathy, a link to the video is in the description: Yes, we do need to go to a narcissist's childhood especially the first five years of life to try to pinpoint the cause of the narcissism. Yes, we have to take into account the responsibility of the parent and we have to see if there is any possible culpability on the child's end as well. The ultimate “blame”, the person primarily responsible for the unfortunate creation of an adult covert narcissist can rest on the shoulders of the parent or the child, or be split almost exactly in half. Yes, variable variability is not something most people are comfortable with. A clear cut answer makes life easier for everyone, but it isn't always helpful if we want to truly understand what is going on that produces these demonic creatures we call covert narcissists. Yes, there is a spiritual cause as well, but today we will try to look at the observable facts and try to at least get a better idea of the origins of covert narcissism. Now a recent study of psychopathy and patterns in child behavior looking at the parent child relationship looked at exactly that. Is the child to blame for the parents not responding properly or are the parents responsible for the child not responding properly. The results are eye opening and confirm the above statement that the causes of dysfunctional adults is a complex one. Let's just listen to a few key moments of this ted x talk given by Luna Centifanti. a link to this video is in the description: So what does this mean in layman's terms? My interpretation is this: that sometimes the child is the actual cause of the parents being unable to properly train the child and other times it is the parents that are to blame for the child becoming a dysfunctional adult. Now again we must take into account the element of variable variability. Yes, there is a constant interaction between the child and the parent in those critical formative years before the age of 5, but the data can be analyzed so that a general conclusion can be made. Again to keep it simple, sometimes the parents share the larger portion of responsibility, “are to blame” and sometimes the largest part of the dysfunction is actually due to the personality of the child, “the child is to blame”. The other possibility, that sometimes the blame can be equally attributed to the parents and to the child is also to be expected since these scenarios and the actual people that were studied are all on a spectrum. So, how does this apply to the covert pathological narcissist? Well it all boils down to the decisions the narcissist makes starting as early as we can go, to the very first decision a child makes. We have all heard of stubborn and hard to handle children as well as children that are compliant and “easy”. That already shows us that the genetic predisposition of a child plays an important role in the final product that is a narcissistic adult. Regardless of if the narcissist has neglectful or loving parents, strict or lenient parents the ultimate outcome of narcissism always starts with a behavior pattern, a decision of how to respond to a situation that the environment presents the narcissist with. So the origins of narcissism can then begin to come into focus, become clear. The narcissist is a person who never takes others into account, has no compassion or empathy and considers themselves more important than anyone else. The narc has developed a pattern of behavior where they no longer have any qualms about lying. The narc has developed a behavior pattern that has continually eroded their empathy to the point where they have little or no empathy. The narc has continually ignored their conscience to the point where it became calloused and then seared, so again the conscience is in effect non existent. Yes, in short the narcissist is a bad person, an evil person and they became that way by continually indulging in bad and evil behavior throughout their lives. The narc became someone who doesn't have a shred of decency. There is no doubt that many an adult narcissist can no longer help themselves because they are so locked into the cycle of lying, duplicity, treachery and deceit. They can't help but destroy those around them. Some people will argue that narcissists do need our understanding, or that we should just avoid them and just not make ourselves vulnerable to them. How does that even take into account that the covert narcissist purposely hides their true self and is an expert at deception? That doesn't even take into account that most people are unaware of covert narcissism and that the narcissist by design is a predator that purposely seeks out their victims. So isn't it really giving these narcissistic beasts a little more slack than they deserve to say that they can't help themselves? How can we even take the outrageous claim that they don't know what they are doing, don't know right from wrong seriously? Rest assured the narcissist knows exactly what they are doing and if they can't help themselves it is for one reason and one reason alone: they always refused to make the right choice whenever given the opportunity. Yes they made the wrong, the evil choice every single time with very few exceptions. Let's be very clear: the narcissist is an adult and they are responsible to be an adult so do they really have any excuse at all? No they do not, they have no excuse whatsoever. So we go back in time to childhood development and look into the past of any narcissist, we go to the day that they had enough awareness to make a choice. The choice to listen to someone, in this case their parent, give authority to someone that was greater than themselves or to refuse, usurp the authority and do it their way. As the child grew, the choice to do right or wrong was given them countless times and each time they did it their way right or wrong. Whether that parent was a responsible parent or and irresponsible parent is almost irrelevant. We are focusing on the narcissist and the narcissist alone. Yes, there was a point where the narc had to listen to a reasonable demand from their parent or decide not to listen and rebel, to stiffen their neck. As the child got older there were more and more complex choices to make, more sophisticated choices to make, but the narc simply became more sophisticated in their rebellion and lack of concern for what was right or wrong. As the narc became an adult and needed employment they began understanding the necessity of giving the appearance of listening, but they covertly never really gave up an ounce of authority to another human being. Similarly in relationships the narcissist realized the necessity of giving the appearance of concern and of being cooperative and willing to compromise. Yes, that was necessary to get a foot in the door, Once the relationship was locked in, the narc gradually and insidiously began taking full control. The general overview of the narcissist gives us a picture of a person who was addicted from early childhood to get it their way, never feeling the need to give any other human being authority, never feeling the need to live by the standards of decency, of “right and wrong” that broader society had agreed upon. Yes the narc understood the importance, the necessity of appearing to live by the rules, appearing to believe that it was important to do the good, the right thing, but underneath it all the narc was never really going to relinquish an ounce of having things their way. On the inside of that narcissist the rules were very clear cut. The world revolves around the narcissist. The narcissist reigns in that world, is the supreme being who makes all moral judgments upon their own actions and the actions of others. The narc is the judge and the narcissist's judgment is final, no mercy. The people that the narc comes in contact with are merely there for the use of the narcissist. These people have no sovereignty or rights, only the narcissist has rights and only the narcissist's needs are important. So now we begin to see that the narcissist never had any problems making their choices. Choices such as: Do I tell the truth or do I lie? Do I steal because I can get away with it or do I walk away? Do I “turn the other cheek” or get even at all costs? The list is endless, but the point to be made is that at every stage of development, every choice the narcissist encountered they almost always chose the easiest way, what was best for them and them alone, never even really considering what was the right or “moral” thing to do. Never considering the effects their choices might have on other human beings. Yes the narcissist certainly appeared to be an adult and certainly learned to make themselves sound and look reasonable and even moral. But sadly this was all an act and even more sadly their victims were fully deceived by that mask, the act the narcissist put on. Because the narcissist had no moral compass, no outside authority this led to a pattern of decisions, of “choices” that were increasingly less and less moral. Yes the choice to be evil was the exact result, the consequence, the culmination of a lifetime of the narc having it their way. That route never even took into account anyone else in their environment. The narc's path of selfishness was a long road with ever increasing covertness and sophistication, to the point where a narcissist's selfishness could literally appear as an act of altruism to the uninformed public. Those who are aware are no longer deceived, but most of the world will just take that “kind”, “noble”, “gracious”, “generous”, “compassionate”, “empathetic”, “genuine”, ”humble” narcissist on face value. But not those who are awake, they know the truth of what lurks beneath the mask: for the narcissist it was always all about them and them alone. So, if you want to ultimately judge ANY human being, every single human on this planet is the result of a myriad of choices that were made each and every moment of their lives. In a way the final result, the “adult” that we are presented with is the final “product”, the final exam result so far of all of the choices we have made in our lives. Yes the narcissist is a resounding failure as a human being and perhaps even a grade of “F” is too lenient a judgment. But the scale will never go to the depths that would be necessary to give the narcissist the true grade they deserve. Yes, the narc is far worse than just a failure as a human being, they are the source of so much suffering and multiple other failures of all of the people that they have come in contact with. The beginning of this video spoke about nature and nurture and those subjects are very important and necessary to take into account. But here is the narcissist's problem: they ARE an adult, and there comes a point in every person's life when they reach an age of accountability, when they ARE responsible for their words and actions and how they treat others. They are responsible for all that they say and do. Yes the narc will deny that fact to themselves and to the world and believe that it is possible for them to do as they please and NEVER grow up or develop any level of emotional maturity. How is this even possible? Well, the narcissist fails to understand that they are NOT the center of the world and they simply can't comprehend that in order to coexist with others they have to give those other people the possibility of sometimes having things to their liking and make others more important than themselves. Despite all of the complexity it really boils down to this simple fact: The narcissist is a bad person who is aware that they are doing bad things and there is never really any excuse whatsoever for being a bad person. Whether that narcissist had a bad upbringing and is emulating the duplicity and treachery that they learned by observing their parents, or the narc simply became that way due to the parents allowing them to indulge in their strong willed stiff necked attitude of self entitlement it is all the same. Yes the narcissist may have some excuses for being a narcissist, but there is never any excuse for being a bad, an evil person. The narcissist does know better. The narcissist knows how to be kind to people and considerate. After all they did exactly that when they first ensnared their victim during the mirroring-idealization phase of a relationship. They are always impeccably kind and respectful on their social sites and in any public function. But those who know the narcissist behind closed doors have a very different story to tell. The story of a selfish self centered beast that hasn't got an ounce of respect or decency. The narcissist knows right from wrong. The narcissist chooses to do the wrong thing, to be evil, and that takes us back to our original conclusion: the narcissist is the result, the aggregate of all of the wrong and questionable decisions that they have made throughout their lives. Yes they may have had poor parenting that didn't give the right example, yes they may have been subject to abuse, or perhaps it was the opposite. They had parents that let them “do as they pleased” and overindulged them. It really doesn't matter at all. At some point the narcissist had their own choice to do right or wrong, good or bad and at each and every opportunity to do the right thing they chose the opposite. Yes they are adults, they are responsible and they have locked themselves in to bad behavior, but ultimately as an adult they have NO excuse whatsoever. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcome. Peace be with you. REFERENCES 1. The erosion of empathy | Simon Baron Cohen | TEDxHousesofParliament

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXcU8x_xK18 2. Psychopathy and Patterns in Child Behaviour | Luna Centifanti | TEDxDurhamUniversity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcUp8TOXC_4 An Additional useful video: 3. From Saints to Sociopaths: Dopamine and Decisions | Nadine Kabbani | TEDxGeorgeMasonU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8w_0sZ97Bc

Reprogramming Yourself After Narcissist Abuse: Narcissist abuse is deep seated and ends up infiltrating every aspect of your mind and emotions. The toxicity gets into areas of our being that we don't have access to and that we aren't even totally aware of, our subconscious mind and the emotions and thoughts that exist there. That toxicity can be likened to a flood where nearly raw sewage stays in a house for weeks and then when the flood waters recede there is damage that goes far beyond what is visible and some of that damage may take months and years to fully become evident. So the homeowner is left with two decisions: 1 try to rebuild the house that we have an emotional attachment to, tearfully discarding all of our precious memories such as family photos and keepsakes that we have cherished over the years and that are no longer salvageable or, 2 making the very difficult decision that NOTHING is salvageable and literally starting from scratch. Yes that home that you lived in for years, maybe decades, possibly most of your life, seemed very comfortable and it contains many fond memories, but the unfortunate reality is that that home is no longer inhabitable, it is filled with toxicity, mold that if inhaled for long enough will result in your death. So you are now forced to walk away, renew, rebuild. That is the dilemma the narcissist abuse victim has, the difficult decision of either rebuilding or walking away and that decision is different for every individual since the reality is that no two individuals and no two combinations of individuals are ever the same. It isn't always a clear cut decision, but for most of us that have gazed into the abyss of evil that is at the core of a pathological narcissist, the decision is sharply defined and obvious, but we still hesitate debating the pros and cons of rebuilding. Yes, an outsider sees the obvious, that sewer washed home with rotting beams and a destroyed foundation gutted of its moldy drywall is never going to be inhabitable again and yet we victims can't and won't see the obvious. Why? Well it goes back to our subconscious thoughts and emotions. That fantasy world the narc created, the one you lived in for so long is still very much alive in the areas of your heart and mind, emotions and thoughts that aren't consciously accessible and you simply aren't aware of that fact. So the victim can't make a clear decision at all because that inner being of theirs' that they aren't aware of is clouding their judgment. Add to all of that the incredible resentment that some victims have to deal with due to incredible physical and mental cruelty and it becomes clear why some people can take years and decades making very little progress. Yes, getting rid of that resentment and walking away from that beloved house, the mind palace that was either a dilapidated shack or a house of horrors is absolutely essential. Yes walking away is the hardest thing but in a relationship with no bonds of marriage or children we need to face that reality and consider ourselves fortunate. Nothing in that now destroyed dwelling ever had any real value and was never really meant to last. Every one of those cherished mementos in the environment you once considered home and even the home itself was toxic, fake and phony through and through. Do you understand the absurdity of actually debating the pros and cons of rebuilding or walking away? The answer is very obvious. Walk away! So how do we get out of this cycle, this endless cycle of debating whether to jump back into that toxic cesspool or not? We need to consciously take control of our lives and we need to understand that the subconscious part of us, the part that has all of the insight and is far more intelligent than we are consciously, has been corrupted with a virus. Yes, theoretically you could probably change everything about yourself and alter even the core of your being, your belief system, everything that you hold near and dear and totally reprogram yourself, but that is not what the goal is here. We want to retain the core of our being, our beliefs, all that is good about us and makes us who we are and simply eliminate that toxic virus. To do this a second metaphor will be useful, that of a computer effected by a virus. When faced with a virus that has infiltrated our computer unfortunately sometimes the operating system has to be backed up and every file and folder and program that was present before that computer crash occurred has to be carefully preserved, or maybe if you had a backup, restore that computer to an earlier time, a time before the virus, the narcissist, was downloaded. Yes there may have been some corrupted files and viruses before the narcissist and maybe we want to eliminate some of those as well, but we really don't want to over-complicate things. Remember, we are avoiding doing a fresh install of the operating system and wiping everything clean. We want to retain as much of the useful data as is possible. So yes you know the day, date, and hour that you first encountered that virus and that is where the search will begin. Bear in mind we are using two metaphors here. We have already decided that that sewer infested home with all that was in it is not salvageable. We have made a firm commitment to walk away. The computer analogy is simply the process of beginning the rebuilding process of a new dwelling. Back to the computer. It is up to us to build a firm reliable foundation for the rest of our existence, so now is the time to eliminate that virus and not allow it to infect the new or renewed computer. So we carefully transfer every safe file, folder and program, every one of them that was good and solid, verifiably genuine and uncorrupted and transfer them to the new computer. We jettison all of the files that may have contained that virus no matter how useful they were. If we are really in need of that program, such as a video making program, we isolate that program until we are sure it is safe. We carefully rebuild and back up each successful configuration of that computer of ours, gradually getting back all of the functionality previous to the narcissist. Yes, along the way we may decide that some previous programs that we had are best not reloaded onto the new computer, but that is not essential. The important thing is to purge the narcissistic virus once and for all. So what does all of the above mean in the real world, the world of the victim? Well the victim has to isolate all of the toxicity in their life and realize that much of that toxicity exists in the inaccessible portion of their mind. So what is the victim to do? There are numerous ways to reprogram the subconscious, but I will give you the Christian version, those who want to take the secular approach are welcome to do so. Those secular approaches include meditation, subliminal messages, creating metaphors to try and define the situation you are in, music, changing your brain's alpha waves, visualization, repetition, using a peak positive occurrence in your life as an anchor event, etc. I will not be interested in any of these methods, I consider them potentially dangerous and will not recommend them. So let's approach this situation from a Christian perspective and keep things very simple. 1. Learn to pray to God Get on your knees and humble yourself and begin a daily prayer time for yourself. That is the quickest way to start reprogramming your way of thinking by reinforcing the fact that God, not you are in control. James MacDonald of Walk in the Word gave a comprehensive series of sermons on how to pray. We should realize the importance of prayer and using that prayer as a way of understanding God's purpose for our lives not giving God commands. 2. Yes we want to eat right, get adequate sleep, and certainly rekindle our connection to the Creator, Almighty God not just in prayer, but as an integral part of our daily existence. 3. We need to isolate the resentment and need for vengeance and again remember that God will do a much better job of repaying that narcissist than we could ever do. God commands us to stay out of His way, make room for Him so that the narcissist can get the proper reward for their treachery and evil. Make no mistake at all the narcissist will pay for every ounce of what they did to you with one exception, if they give the huge debt they owe to Jesus and He will relieve them of their debt. But that requires the narcissist to genuinely submit to God. The chances of that are slim to none, but again that is not our problem. We just want that narcissist, every last vestige of them out of our lives. When thoughts of vengeance, anger, hostility arise we continually have to affirm to ourselves, “vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord”. Eventually that thinking will override the subconscious need for settling the score or getting even. 4. We have to break that false notion that the narcissist ingrained into us that we had a lifetime partner that would be there for us forever. That person we loved and that we still subconsciously want back in our lives NEVER existed. So every time we have those feelings of nostalgia we need to remember the true nature of narcissism and the reality of what was going on in their minds. Just to cover some of the highlights lets go down a brief list. The narcissist never loved and never cared about you. The person you loved was a false persona, a mask with no substance below the surface. 5. We have to realize that the bright future together that you visualized in your mind and somehow were always frustrated by the narcissist from achieving, was nothing more than future faking. The narc purposely made it seem like that paradise was just over the horizon then surreptitiously threw up roadblocks to achieving that paradise. Yes the narc blamed you for the roadblocks, but let's be clear the narc is without a doubt the one that placed them there. So you need to continually tell yourself that that endorphin producing thought process of being in bliss by thinking of your life with that narcissist is nothing more than crack cocaine. It warps your thinking and is literally a dysfunctional addiction. Keep on telling yourself that you are not dealing with reality when those flights of fancy occur in your mind. 6. We have to analyze our time with the narcissist and reinterpret all of what occurred in that relationship but more specifically we have to stop blaming ourselves. Yes, the narc left and on top of all of that they made you feel like you were the one to blame. Think about the reality. The narcissist accused you of being fake and disloyal while they are the ones that were in a new relationship and left you behind without a single opportunity to understand or defend yourself and with no explanation. The narcissist lies through their teeth and then accuses you of being a liar. The list goes on. Bottom line once you see clearly what was going on in that relationship you can clearly see who the perpetrator and who the victim was. So every time your subconscious brings up that you should blame yourself, keep on reminding it of the reality. Use facts, don't give in to those wrong thoughts. 7. We have to take the narcissist off of the high horse, the pedestal that we put them on. No the narcissist was NOT a paragon of virtue. No they weren't ever faithful or loyal, and yes they lied about you being the only true love of their life. Not only were you NOT the only true love of their life in fact the narc NEVER loved you at all. The narc never had honorable intentions towards you, the narc never cared, the narc was not good for you, the narc never really made you feel good about yourself, the narc never built you up, they were constantly tearing you down, the narc was your great misfortune not your fortune. 8. We have to stop wondering about what the narc is doing and projecting our genuine love, loyalty, and concern onto the narcissist. We have to come to grips with the harsh reality that the narc stopped thinking about us long before they formally left the relationship. We have to come to grips with the reality that the narc could care less about what we are doing. They don't think about us at all, they have tired of the relationship since they now have someone new, and that is the narc's entire focus. The narc we loved is dead, they have transformed themselves into someone new as they mirror the new person in their lives. We are a waste of the narcissist's time, they wouldn't even give us a cup of water if we were stranded in a desert and it could save our lives. Remember it is hard for an em path to comprehend this, but the narc is literally only concerned about themselves and themselves alone. So let's summarize. Again all of the above things become obvious over time, if we do the work to try and understand, or are immediately obvious to us consciously, but we need to repeat then to ourselves again and again so that our subconscious finally understands. Yes we need to reprogram that subconscious of ours. Although that subconscious mind is much more intelligent than our conscious mind, it is quite naive. It is up to us to continually correct that subconscious mind until it finally realizes the error of it's ways. How will you know if you have begun the reprogramming process? That is easy enough. When your subconscious stops telling you what a wonderful environment that unsalvageable, flood ravaged home is. When your subconscious stops telling you how wonderful that narcissist and your life together was and would one day be. When you see that narcissist not as a beautiful or handsome angel, but you see then for what they really are, a hideous beast that you have to turn your gaze away from. When those thoughts of vengeance, anger, and rage dissipate as you give them to God each and every time. When you start thinking clearly and there is positivity in your life and your attitude once again. When joy returns and you have gotten yourself back. When you are whole inside and you feel your own presence and hopefully also the presence of the Holy Spirit, God in your life. So the bottom line is this. You can tell what is going on in your subconscious mind very easily since it is the source of all of the dysfunctional thinking that still binds you to that unsalvageable relationship with the narcissist. We reprogram that subconscious by gently, carefully and continually showing it the error of its ways. Success is achieved when the subconscious finally agrees with what any outsider can clearly see. Whether it be a house beyond repair or a narcissist, an outsider can clearly smell the sewage, can clearly see the ugly results of flood damage and clearly sees that the victim has to move on. If you can't see that yet in your life that is not your fault, but it is my sincerest hope that you gently remind your subconscious that it is not thinking rationally and hopefully you will begin the process of healing yourself. Remember, it wasn't your fault what happened to you, you were taken off of the path of life and were led to a dead end. It is now time to renew your relationship with God and humbly admit that you are lost and rely on God's guidance to return you to the world of light. You made a mistake, it wasn't all your fault. In fact very little, if any of that nightmare was your fault. Some of us may not have done things God's way but we had honorable intentions, we were sincere and we made a lifetime commitment to that narcissist. The narcissist broke that trust and misrepresented themselves and their intentions. Not you. The narcissist never loved you, the narcissist was never loyal to you no matter how many times they told you of their loyalty. The narc was in it for the thrill and they told you anything that you needed to hear, made any promise necessary to gain your confidence. Became anything they needed to become to convince you they were your soul mate. The narc got bored when they achieved their goal and bagged yet another victim. In the end it was simply a game for the narcissist. A game that was deadly serious for the victim, but the narcissist never cared and was never serious. The narcissist only cares about one person, that creature that stares at them in the mirror every morning. So yes think about it. That narcissist has to look at themselves and lie to themselves every single day, they have to deny reality 24 7 and they have to live in that hollow shell of theirs. An environment devoid of love, empathy, compassion, forgiveness, creativity, peace, contentment. A barren lifeless environment with chaotic eddies of turmoil, rage, resentment, envy, duplicity, debauchery, fear, treachery, and unbridled lust to get whatever meets there eye as soon as possible with no delay. The narc has to expend enormous amounts of energy to convince themselves and others of all of the lies they are maintaining. Quite an expenditure of energy to obtain negative results. Do you really want to still believe that sewage dump was a paradise? Your subconscious may cling to that notion but you can see the truth very clearly. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

The Narcissist and Their Religion: The click bate title of this video could have been “All Narcissists are Satanists and All Satanists are Narcissists”, and it would accurately describe the true religion of the narc. Yes, narcs are devout believers in Satan and unwittingly or wittingly worship him. Some say that our battle against narcissist abuse is simply a psychological one and there is no spiritual component at all. I beg to differ. The battle we face is very much a spiritual one and narcissist abuse victims are severely crippling their chances of recovery if they refuse to accept that fact. To even begin to get a handle on narcissism we have to understand the underlying “religion” of the narcissist, a religion they all share. Some narcissists have simply made their lives very easy and accepted the fact that they “aren't going to a good place”. This attitude gives the narc the impression that they are somehow protected at least in this world and in this life from the forces many call karma, but the Christian believer calls Almighty God. Well, apparently the narcissist's life experience bears that out. Yes, the narcissist has gotten away with numerous acts of treachery and has come out unscathed time and time again, so in a way the narcissists understand intuitively that they are somehow protected from having to pay for their acts of evil. Yes, even the narcissist understands the evil nature of their acts, but the narc feels that they have gotten a good bargain in the exchange, the exchange of living in the here and now with no concern for an uncertain or unknown future. Why not throw the existence of an unseen God under the bus? Case closed for the narc. God simply doesn't exist, He is a figment of the imagination. Take your pleasure in this world and have all of the freedom you can imagine to do as you please whenever you please without ever having any concern for the people you damage. In exchange you simply accept the fact that “you aren't going to a good place”. Yes, the narcissist wants immediate gratification, the narc thinks any person who lives this life, and submits their own will to an unseen God is simply wasting an opportunity. The narc will never waste any opportunity whatsoever to do something they can get away with. So the narcissists simply finds no need to live by external standards of conduct imposed upon them by God. How dare someone tell them that their adulterous relationship is wrong. The narc is the one who makes the rules and just ask them, they will give you numerous reasons why their relationships with multiple partners all at the same time is totally justified. Now of course the narcissist is aware that society does frown upon acts of treachery and adultery, but the only concern for the narcissists in these situations is to be publicly exposed. It isn't that the narcissist feels any guilt, but there is the aspect of shame, of public devaluation or humiliation that is of great concern for the narcissist. So the narc is careful in some of the things that they do, but that is only because they cling tightly to their “billboard”, their public image. So what has all of this to do with Satan worship? Many narcissists are “devout” Christians, others are Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists. Still others are devout atheists or agnostics. The last category of narcissists, the enlightened ones, the self aware ones are outright Satanists. No, not all of these Satanists are going to profess their religion publicly. Instead many Satanists simply feign Christianity or any other form of religion to have a more acceptable, higher profile public image. Yes at least Satanism has not yet become publicly acceptable. No problem with it below the radar, but publicly Satanism is still shunned, so the wise Satanist doesn't let on. What is the way of life of the Satanist, the moral code as proclaimed by Aleister Crowley? “Do as thou wilt”. Does this sound familiar? Yes it is the creed, the subconscious or conscious creed of the narcissist. Sure, a person will convince themselves they are a Christian believer, but their fruits, their actual actions paint a very different picture. The Bible clearly states “by their fruits you shall know them”. Well what do the fruits of the narcissist point to, even a narcissistic Christian believer? The short answer is “Do as thou wilt”. For example is it any wonder that a young narcissist who wants to be a nun becomes severely disappointed by the fact that God doesn't throw out a red carpet for them in gratitude and fall down to worship them? After all the narcissist has just told God they would be partners with him. Oh yes, the narcissist consciously thinks they are worshiping God, but they become disheartened when their prayers, which are really commands to God go unanswered, in reality unheeded. Yes, God doesn't listen well to the narcissist, so the narcissist is highly insulted. The narc has no need for a God that doesn't listen to them so they become an atheist. Other narcs maintain their “relationship” with God in one religion or another, but that relationship with God is mere lip service. The reality is the narc is practicing their true religion all of the time. “Do as thou wilt”. So let's be very clear now, it is no great mystery at all that Satan exists. Yes, the devil is more than pleased to put a hook in someone's nose and have that self same person be under the arrogant impression that they are above it all. Yes, the atheistic narcissist is quite an arrogant fool and will confidently proclaim that Satan is a fairy tale and so is God. What glee the devil must have in that situation. Yes, the narc atheist is a patsy for the devil, keep on not believing is Satan's opinion. The narc agnostic is not far behind although it should be noted that not all agnostics are narcissists. We are talking about agnostic narcissists here. The narc agnostic simply can't accept the existence of something they can't fully comprehend, something that is beyond them. Most agnostics are just being honest, maybe they have doubts, but the narc agnostic most likely simply refuses to bow their knee to God. Either way, any doubt whatsoever the devil can create about the existence or the nature or the sovereignty of God is adequate for him to achieve his goals. In the case of the narcissist who sees themselves as a worshiper of God, the devil simply warps that narcissist's ideas of what it means to be a believer, that is also more than acceptable to Satan. The main thing is making people believe they can and should “Do as thou wilt”. Yes, Satan is saying to these deluded fools “you can be as God”, “God doesn't want you to have any knowledge because He is trying to prevent you from being enlightened”, “God is trying to spoil your fun”, “You are God”, “God doesn't exist”, or Satan will simply warp your opinion of God and make God a “Genie in a bottle”, someone who takes commands from you and fulfills your wishes, when there is no use for God, you simply put a cork in the bottle and “Do as thou wilt”. So the pieces of the puzzle begin coming together and the picture you see becomes clear. Yes some narcissists are self-deluded and think themselves followers of God, others have doubts, and God is therefore effectively neutralized, and yet others are self aware and openly deny and refuse any influence of a higher power in their lives. No matter, every single narcissist is a worshiper of themselves as god and will never submit their will to any other being and that is where they have made their fatal mistake. The narcissist is a slave to Satan and even though they are under the impression they have freedom in this world in reality the narcissist is the most enslaved person on the planet. They walk around continually doing the will of their father, the father of lies, Satan and he deftly pulls the narcissist's strings and directs their every move and thought like a puppet. Narcissists are the willing slaves and property of Satan. They are slaves to sin and they are under total domination as indicated in Romans 6 16: “Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?” Yes the reality, the truth of eternal life and the obvious fallacy of the lies of the devil and the false path to happiness and fulfillment by indulging in the pleasures of sin in this world are clearly stated in the Bible. But the narc is too drunk on themselves to understand what a child can comprehend. What is that? That God exists and the importance of submitting to someone with more knowledge and authority than yourself, admitting that you aren't King or Queen. Of course a narcissistic child with progressive parents may never learn of that reality, but the average child intuitively “gets it”. So we have now put our finger on the precise problem with the narcissist, the foundation of all that is wrong with them and also shown them the clear way out of their endless cycle of misery and destruction, both to themselves and everyone their lives touch. What is that way? It is full and total submission to God and a genuine internal acknowledgment that there is a higher power. We now understand why it is almost impossible for the narcissist to change, they simply will never give up the authority over their own lives let alone even consider the notion that they aren't god. Make no mistake, the covert narcissist will give the appearance of submission in the workplace or in their personal lives and they may even convince themselves that they are humble and meek, but they subconsciously consider themselves god, the final authority in all that they do. So the narcissist wastes their opportunity of life, misses the point of human existence altogether. Just like they had everything a person could ever want and wasted the opportunity, a relationship with someone who truly cared and was committed to their mental and emotional health. Rather than appreciate that situation they threw it away and in the process lost any excuse that they were never given a break in life. Yes, eventually the narcissist will have to take personal responsibility for their lives and the dark, desolate, lifeless, hollow world they have created for themselves. Yes there is a way for the narcissist to free themselves. Think of what Romans 6 16 says: You are either obedient to God, or you sin. One thing we know for sure the obstinate narcissist will never be obedient to anything or any one, yes they may act obedient to deceive someone but the reality is the narc will always be god in their world. Their puppet master is just fine with that. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.