What the Narcissist Finds At the “End of Themselves” : So a major tragedy has just brought you to the end of yourself and it gave you a rare opportunity to see what was there. What you find there can give you keen insight into what you truly value, what is important to you. It can show you clearly what type of person you genuinely are as opposed to who you think you are and show you what your real priorities in life are, not the ones you profess to yourself and to the world. This situation will also be a test of your genuine faith, not what you profess. So yes, that life changing event can give you profound insight if you use it as an opportunity, not a tragedy. How is this an opportunity? Well it is an opportunity to clearly see yourself as you are, clearly focus on every aspect of your life and being that you have at least for a short time divorced yourself of all of those things, you can pick and choose which one of your priorities to re-instate which to discard, and which priorities to add that were missing. The priorities you keep in your life can then be sorted in order of importance and you can then strengthen those which you deem most important and minimize those that are less important. How does this relate to the narcissist? Well, occasionally the narc's grand plan of deception that they have constructed falls in on them and their lives are also effected by their own duplicity. Yes, the narc got away with their evil time after time as they refined every aspect of their deception. They had the master plan in any current relationship all worked out with contingency plans for every scenario. Yes they worked out the practicability of every one of their actions and lies as they created the fantasy relationship with every victim and sold that relationship as the truth. Yes the narc was obsessed with their confidence game of making the victim believe that they genuinely cared and loved. In the past an occasional victim became wise to them early on and began exposing them for the frauds they were and the narc learned how to pre empt that same scenario from occurring in the future by setting up the next relationship with no loose ends. The narc already had two or three feasible exit plans all worked out and in most cases the victims believed everything, and the drained victim simply went quietly away, never understanding why they were so destroyed. Most of the time the narc convinced the victim that they themselves were to blame for the relationship ending, leaving the narc free to pursue their next fantasy relationship. So yes, the aged narc preserved their immaturity all the while their duplicity, lying, treachery was becoming more and more mature. So the narc's world has hit a major brick wall and not only one mask has been found out but now multiple other masks are potentially going to fall. The narc then garners every one of their matured skills of evil to once again produce feasible explanations to all of those remaining people in their lives, each of those explanations custom tailored for each mask that remained intact. So we now clearly see the difference between what happens to a narc when they come to the end of themselves and the victim. The narc finds a duplicitous, disloyal beast in that brief glimpse of self-revelation and doesn't even glance at what is in front of her or him. Instead they immediately look away and that exposed inner world of theirs is quickly covered up by the most convenient means possible and a new facade is created. No, the narc never skips a beat, never stops and pauses, they simply use that tragedy to become a more refined ghoul. So how can we illustrate the above points just made? Well, lets create some fiction and describe for example, a woman who grows up with a narcissistic mother and maybe is torn between the impulses she has to be just like her mother, who she is repulsed by, or to go a different direction altogether. So maybe the child has some empathy and conscience and remorse mixed in with her strong narcissistic tendencies. Her solution is to pick and choose when to turn her narcissism on and off and when to turn her empathy on and off. So in effect she has turned herself into a classic covert narcissist. She herself sees things differently. In her mind her overtly narcissistic mother is evil and naive and she, the covert narc, is the wise one, the intelligent one, the superior one, the good one. Yes the covert narc sees themselves superior to both the overt narc and the empath who tries to minimize the narcissistic tendencies we all have as people. The covert narc sees herself as self-aware and in control of herself, of course that is just a delusion, but where that delusion becomes dangerous to the rest of the world is when the narc considers themselves in control of their whole environment, the environment they share with other people. That is the root cause of what makes narcissists treat other people as objects to be used. So without knowing it the covert narc has actually become far less aware of reality than her overtly selfish, narcissistic mother. Her overt narc mother at least knew what she was and strangely enough in her own way that mother at least did have some capacity for genuine loyalty and love. So the pattern created as a child, what that covert narc has come to the conclusion is the middle way: to balance overt narcissism and empathy, transfers into every relationship the narc ever has. In every single scenario, be it with an em path or with a narc she sees herself as the superior one, the enlightened one. Each relationship the narc engages in is simply an experiment and a learning experience to see what traits of every one of her lovers she can learn and understand and incorporate into her next fantasy persona otherwise known as a false mask that she creates for the next relationship. Yes the narc never forms any emotional attachment to any of her former partners and she freely takes all of that previous partner's intimate details, detaches them and re purposes those traits as her own. She in effect plagiarizes anything she sees useful that she has extracted from the previous partner and coldly, callously moves on to the next relationship. So the narc will then collect more useful traits from every subsequent relationship and once she has mined all that is useful she moves on to the next victim. That is why the narc sees every prospective partner as simply a source. A source of immediate energy to drain and a source of new material to use for the next performance or act that she will undoubtedly create in the future. Yes the narc is already getting material for her next grand performance, her next production. She will create the new fake persona where she will be the leading lady, the queen, and she will be the production designer and create a whole new environment or “world” from scratch and she will be the director of that new production. Yes, in effect the narc is like a movie maker, but she lives out her productions in real life with every person she comes in contact with as a mere pawn in her game. Life goes on and eventually the covert narc decides on something different. Why not have a long term relationship and see what that is like, since she never tried that before. Plus, it may give her more comfort and provide her with the resources to do even more covert elaborate productions. So, in effect the covert narc can once again be above it all and have the best of both worlds: a stable relationship and the pleasure of multiple covert new relationships to continue mining from. So the narc comes up with all sorts of new scenarios to find partners willing to engage in adulterous affairs with her. The fact that she is married is actually an asset, giving her an “out” any time one of her covert relationships is no longer wanted once it has been thoroughly mined of all of it's resources. But eventually the narc tires of the long term relationship and ends that looking for her next option. Oh yes the narc is still going to use the discarded ex husband as a source of comfort while she freely shops the market and decides if she wants numerous short term relationships or maybe finds another source of comfort that she can use in another fake long term scenario. With today's modern society the excuse will be she never wants to get married again. But then the narc meets someone that she never knew existed, a person known as a super em path. The super em path is someone that is benign and kind and harmless, a person who trusts but when pushed to the limit will be more than a match for the narcissist. The covert narc doesn't see it though, to her he is like putty in her hands, a naive fool that she can toy with as she pleases. Yes she can lie to this person with one hand tied behind her back and she can play with his emotions at will, with him being totally unaware. Years go by and she eventually tires of that relationship, since that em path does have a moral code and that means she can't manipulate him at will, so she then decides it's time to slowly extract herself. Unfortunately for the narc her mask slips off at the worst time and she fully exposes herself for the fraud that she is far earlier than she had anticipated. Unbeknownst to her the em path has been paying attention, has been analyzing the situation, has been aware for all of those years. That is when the carefully laid plans for extraction fall to pieces around her and her victim. The narc then engages in a salvage program, totally vaporizing the previous partner's life and having to make due with an only partially created new persona and only partially built next production. She quickly instates to full status one of the many targets she has been trolling for and uses him to help destroy her previous partner. How easy that was, since she simply demonizes her former partner and uses the new partner as the person saving her from the vicious evil previous partner. Classic damsel in distress knight in shining armor routine. Works every time. She simply walks away from the relationship and refuses any attempt at the previous partner to get any answers. But the super em path will not just curl up and die after the narc takes a sledgehammer to the fantasy world she created for the both of them. A world the em path believed was real. He may be harmless, but he will relentlessly pursue answers and he does eventually get clarity on what was going on. With no help from the narc. Yes, eventually the em path gets all of the answers and in that pursuit many unexpected sources give him more information than he could have ever gotten on his own. So the em path target gets his answers, learns, moves on and grows. He came to the end of himself and used it to his advantage. Now let's answer the question posed by the title: what does the narc find at the end of themselves? What is it that the narc couldn't stand to look at when it was clear for her to see, but she looked away instead? It was a clear view of the hideous creature that lurks behind all of her masks, the core of her being and even one glimpse at that creature would have haunted her for the rest of her life, so she refused to look. That creature is an immature five year old that never grew up and is living inside the body of a full grown demon. Better not to look and move on for the narc. But there will be no growth as the narc slips ever deeper into her dark world. Sad. Yes, even the narc could possibly deserve some pity, but the enormous pain and suffering she has caused eclipses all of that pity. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Victory Over the Narcissist: The Narcissist is fixated on victory, being the winner. The narc gets the greatest pleasure out of totally destroying their former partner, then coming back for a victory lap and telling the broken victim to get over it. Of course this is ideal for the narc, they have exacted their revenge for supposed wrongs done to them by using their well refined tools of gaslighting, threats of violence and actual physical assault and they got away with all of it. So their crowning achievement is to go back to the victim and tell them to get over it. How convenient. The narc is in effect saying I destroyed you, I took everything you had. Now its time for you to accept that I won and walk away. Yes the narc is quite smug, and that haughty smirk of self satisfaction means they have come out on top yet again. Another achievement that proves they are superior to another human being. Another notch on their belt. Yes, you the victim are just supposed to accept the superiority, the dominance of the narcissist. So, of course being that you are a human being it is natural that you will have deep anger and resentment welling up inside of you. That anger grows into fury as you regain your senses and see more and more clearly how the duplicitous narc played you for a fool and was never at all genuine in any of their actions or words. No one who treated you the way the narc did could have ever really loved you or cared about you at all. So now you look back on that fraudulent relationship in an effort to find the answers to all of the questions. Questions that the narc would never answer, since they simply abandoned the relationship and refused to give any closure at all. You go on a journey, a quest to find out what was really going on in the relationship. Getting those answers can take weeks and months as you reinterpret every moment with the narc and analyze it piece by piece to understand what the narc was actually doing while they called themselves your lifetime partner. You reinterpret what the narc actually meant in all of your conversations together. You look back on all of those moments when you had doubts about the narc's integrity and you now realize that it was your intuition speaking to you or something else inside of you that was trying to warn you, but you simply ignored the warnings. Yes the narc was a fraud, a phony through and through and the more you realize that, the angrier you get. The more you realize the extent of the narc's duplicity, the extent of the lies and deceit, the more you comprehend the narc's total lack of respect for you as a human being, the angrier you get. Then on top of all of that you recount the abuse and remember all of the excuses you made for it and that gets you even angrier, at yourself, but even more so at the narc, because now you see clearly that that abuse was coming from a dark place that was devoid of love and more importantly that abuse was specifically designed to damage you. No, that wasn't tough love the narc was dishing out as you previously thought. It was pure malevolent evil for the sake of extracting the sick pleasure of causing you emotional pain. So the thoughts of all that was done to you as you recount the abuse generates anger and resentment. Those emotions can overwhelm you , make you bitter and eventually destroy you, if you allow them to. So then we come to the subject of the video: having victory over the narcissist. Yes there are numerous ways of getting even with the narc and many will give you ideas or methods on how that can be achieved. Early after the abuse we all would love the opportunity to pay back every ounce of pain that narc inflicted upon us and that might be normal while we are still disoriented and unsure of what just happened to us. But here is the problem, we are playing by the narc's rules to get even with them on their terms. Does it really constitute a victory if we are able to torment or gaslight or deceive a narc, if we terrorize them and make them constantly look over their shoulder? Well one commenter on my page who redacted their comment boasted about physically harming a narc and getting away with it. That might have been a narc troll or just someone making up a story I can't say, but think about the implications. So now we victims are supposed to play by the narc's rules and act like a narc to get a supposed victory? In my opinion that is a loss and it means the narc has made you lose a piece of your humanity. Now please don't misunderstand, I would have taken the opportunity to extract revenge myself right after the discard by simply giving the narc a dose of their own medicine, within reason. Yes it would have been something that I wouldn't regret or have to feel guilty about the rest of my life, it would have been relatively benign in comparison to what the narc did to me, but in it's own way it would have given me the satisfaction of a small victory. I get that and can understand, but to do physical violence or inflict anywhere near the emotional pain the narc inflicted upon you, NO WAY. So how do we get victory over the narcissist? Here is my opinion. First and foremost it is WE, not the narcissist who make the rules and it is WE who decide what constitutes a victory. We are in control, NOT the narcissist and we create the criteria for victory. Leave the narc in their swamp. If we want victory over the narc it is our responsibility to educate and inform ourselves about narcissism. It is our responsibility to try and understand what happened to us in the relationship by applying all that we have learned. It is our responsibility to measure our progress. Are we getting better, becoming more joyful and productive week to week, month to month? If so we are on the right track. It is our responsibility to avoid becoming bitter and we need to work on the resentment and anger. I know of no better way than leaving the narcissist totally in the hands of God and in so doing we remove the heavy burden of wanting to seek vengeance from our shoulders. It is our responsibility to understand what it was inside of us that attracted us to the narc and attracted the narc to us. It is our responsibility to understand that we weren't to blame for the abuse the narc inflicted upon us. Finally it is we and we alone who decide when we no longer need to think about our abuse. We take as long as we need to. There is nothing wrong with dwelling on the abuse as long as we are headed on the path of healing and we are able to measure real progress in our lives. We owe it to ourselves to heal and yes move on when we are ready and we decide. No one is qualified to tell us when that is. If we follow the steps of healing and growth, do the work, eliminate the anger, then hope and joy return to our lives and when we begin to see that progress it gives us an added lift. That is the victory that we as victims who later just think of ourselves as targets are looking for. If we can look back on that interaction with the narc and see that we never sank to the level of the narc, we never returned evil for evil and we are healing then we have achieved the ultimate victory. Yes, victory over the narcissist means we have not allowed the narc to dim our light, have not allowed them to steal any more of our joy. The work we have done to achieve that victory of becoming a fully functioning and joyful human being is ours and ours alone and we may be better off than before the narc came into our lives. Let's be clear though, the narc gets no credit. Similar things occur to people when they get a diagnosis of a disease or have an accident with severe physical trauma, or have their whole environment destroyed by a natural disaster. Yes, we take stock of our lives after major tragedies and maybe have a firmer grip on life, a more focused idea of our life's purpose, a more defined sense of what is important, a clearer sense of what our priorities should be. We might gain a greater appreciation of the simple things in life and regain a sense of joy in those simpler things. But no one would ever give the credit to the tragedy for improving our lives. That was our victory and for the believer it isn't their victory at all, it is God's victory as we get out of His way and listened for His directions. Let's give the full text of Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.” It clearly states that we should stay out of the way and leave the vengeance to God. Good advice from the Creator of the Universe and all that is in it. So to put it in simple terms. The best revenge for the victim is moving on and living a joyful happy life free of resentment and full of joy and hope. That is the true victory. The victory that we work hard to achieve every day. The narc can have their hollow victory gained by doing the most unimaginable evil. We have the genuine, the real victory. The narc's victory is fake and counterfeit and their joy is also fake. Only total denial and self deception can make the narc's victory appear as real, but the narc's victory will NEVER be real. The narc's punishment for all of their evil will be real though, with no possibility of the narc denying it. To put things another way, the Narc blew up your life leaving you to pick up the pieces, disoriented. As you slowly came to your senses and began putting back together the pieces of your life you eventually came to a fork in the road. You had a choice. You could choose the path of vengeance and have a false victory or you could take the road of genuine victory, rebuild your life and choose to leave the narc to their own fate. The path of vengeance is the same path the narc always takes and for the victim this path leads to bitterness and resentment. To get to a point of true healing you have to retrace your steps all the way to that fork in the road in order to get to the path of true, genuine victory. As you walk down that path of victory and look back you will realize you are on the right track and you would never want to go back to that fork in the road again. Thank you for watching, comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

How To Forgive A Narcissist (for Those Who Have Gone No Contact): The topic of forgiving a narcissist requires walking a fine line. The subject is radioactive, a mine field, and no matter what you say someone will not be pleased. In the early stages, right after the abuse I found the subject of forgiveness almost impossible to comprehend. How do you forgive someone that thinks they have done no wrong, that all of the evil they did to you was justified? How do you forgive someone who turned the tables on you and made you feel like you were the one who was at fault, when now in retrospect it is clear the narc was the abuser and to blame for nearly all that happened? Well the importance of this topic means it needs to be discussed. This message is for the abuse victim who is no contact and has gone on the journey of healing. This is not an attempt to offend narcissists and also not an attempt to tell someone to forgive when they are not ready to do so. It is also not useful for the unfortunate narc abuse victims still in the relationship. So you have gotten yourself back, in one form or another and you have achieved the goal of bringing joy and functionality back into your life and the work of all of the previous weeks, months and even years has finally shown you some tangible results. Yes, that relationship seemed like it brought happiness and stability to you for a time, but the slow drift into instability and the gradual erosion of your confidence and joy and self respect went totally undetected as the narc gradually drained you of all that was good and important to you. So yes when you evaluate yourself at this moment in your life and compare it to your time with the narc towards the end of their abuse it is clear you have improved and you are much healthier mentally and emotionally. Yes you have gotten most if not all of your energy back. Now that you have regained your senses, you can get an overall idea of what the effect of the narc was on your life. You do this by comparing yourself before, during and after the narc encounter. When you do this, analyze things carefully, you come to the undeniable conclusion that the narcissist was a tragedy in your life. There was really no good fortune at all in that encounter. You now see that life without the narc is so much more vibrant and positive and you have hope and joy and energy in your life. Yes, you forgot that this is how things were before the counterfeit blessing of that narc in your life. So if you are progressing, you will eventually achieve the goal of getting to a point where you are as good or better than before the narc came into your life. You have for the most part freed yourself of the resentment, so what comes next? That is where the extra credit comes in, going the extra mile and forgiving the narc. So why would you forgive the narcissist? The narc doesn't need or want your forgiveness. They are either convinced they did no wrong or actually proud of the abuse that they got away with. So what is the point? Well, you do it for yourself. Let's be clear we will never excuse the actions of the narc, and we will be avoiding the narcissists we encounter or at least minimizing their impact in our lives from this time forward. We will also continue to learn as much as we can about narcissism and spread the word. We will continue to hone our skills at accurate detection. But yes we will also try to forgive that person who did so much damage to us and is actually proud of the abuse and damage they have done. No, you will never reason with a narcissist. No, you will never get them to see the evil or the error of their ways. The narc won't listen, they won't hear, even when you give them fair warning about the terrible future that awaits them in this life or the next as they will eventually have to pay for all the evil they have done,- WITH INTEREST. So how do you forgive the narc? Once again we get into a touchy subject, but one that has to be discussed. It is an unfortunate reality that the pathological narcissist or narcopath is a person with mental illness. Let''s be clear we aren't talking about the average person with narcissistic tendencies, we are talking about a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD for short. These people are mentally ill and that is not an opinion, it is a fact. This condition is documented in the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Narcs are not only dysfunctional, but they also harm others with that dysfunction. So without trying to offend let's speak clearly and use colloquialisms: The hard core covert narcissist is crazy, they are mentally ill and you never realized you were in a relationship with someone that is crazy, mentally ill. The narc masked their mental illness when you first encountered them and the manifestation of the signs of mental illness in that person came on gradually. You just never put enough focus on the small signs that peeked out from beneath the mask. You ignored the bizarre moments of nonsense and incoherence and histrionics. You made excuses. Yes you thought the narc was sane and that is why you took everything they said and did seriously. That is why you believed in the narc and towards the end when the mental illness was clear for all to see, you just couldn't see it, you were blind to that mental illness. Why? Well, partly because the narc had infected you with their mental illness, they had gotten you to live in the surreal fantasy existence that they live in exclusively and that you were lured into. You are now back in the world of reality. You are back, you feel good and life is once again worth living. You are sane again, but the narc will unfortunately never be sane. Never get out of that terrible, tumultuous existence that you had the misfortune of being drawn into. The narc will never be at peace, the narc will never be satisfied or have joy and contentment. The narc will never be able to escape the huge debt to all they have wronged throughout their life- without genuine repentance and allowing Jesus to pay for all that they owe. No, the narc could never pay back the debt they owe, but God in the form of Jesus can. In light of all of what was just stated it becomes clear. The narc, although they are an adult and fully responsible for all the evil they have done, should be forgiven by the victim, for the sake of the victim. The narc will never appreciate or benefit from that forgiveness, but the victim will benefit greatly. No the narc has no excuse. All of the abuse they recount from their childhood and in previous relationships is no excuse for their vile behavior. Others have had far worse childhoods and had far more abuse in relationships but never became narcissists. Yes the narc made a choice at one point of their existence. They decided to return evil for evil, to indulge in and refine lying, deceit, and treachery. The narc decided to starve to death whatever conscience and feelings of remorse they had, if they ever had those feelings at all. So yes if at all possible the victim should try to forgive, but even if that isn't possible for the victim there will be great benefit in never dealing with another narcissist again. So at the bare minimum we should get rid of our feelings for seeking vengeance to avoid becoming a bitter and resentful person. At least that way the victim can lift a heavy burden off of themselves and go on to find a measure of peace, joy and a renewed feeling of optimism and hope in their life. So what is the simple answer, how do you forgive a narcissist? By realizing that they are mentally ill as terrible as that sounds. You don't get joy or satisfaction out of coming to that conclusion. You simply recognize that as a fact. The narc is responsible, but unfortunately they can no longer help themselves but to be dysfunctional and evil. The narc isn't in control of themselves, they have become a slave, an addict to all of their own evil. So no, this message is not for any narcissist, it is exclusively for the victims of narcissist abuse, specifically for those of us who are away from the narc and out of the relationship. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

Work That the Victim Of Narcissist Abuse Needs To Do: There have been endless debates on how the victim is partly or in entirety responsible for their encounter with the narc . Some have taken this to the point of actually assigning partial or even the majority of the blame to the victim. Many of these people have good intentions. They are trying to wake up the victim and get them to see what was in their personalities that made them a prime target of the narc and that is a good thing. Where that line of reasoning takes a detour or goes off track is when that deficiency of the victim is used as a talking point to assign responsibility or blame. Now let's be clear there are a myriad of reasons that a relationship can end in a disaster and I am not making a universal statement that all victims are innocent when a relationship with a narc blows up. That would assume all victims are angelic and without flaws of their own. Those flaws, however are not our concern. We have to focus exclusively on the actual relationship dynamic that is unique to a narcissist and their target. Of course no person is perfect. We all lie at times, misrepresent ourselves, have fits of rage and anger, are selfish and maybe even try to deceive someone into thinking more of us than we actually are. None of that is the issue. The narc is the one who uses those imperfections that we all have and tries to use those imperfections in the target to prove that they were either exclusively innocent victims in the relationship or “mostly innocent”. Yes the imperfections we all have as humans are what the narcissist harps on and oftentimes convinces the victim of is the reason that the relationship ended or even ended badly. This is all just a ploy to redirect concentration from the truth, the truth of what the narc was really up to in the relationship. Lets be very clear about this: the fact that the victim is imperfect is totally beside the point. So let's go over what happens in a relationship between a narc and their victim. Let's focus on what is important. What is a relationship between two people? Well nowadays it can be almost anything from something called friends with benefits all the way up to what was once considered the norm, an actual committed lifetime relationship between two people where both partners have pledged to stay together for life despite any difficulties. I guess we are defining marriage with that ultimate relationship. We all are aware of how flimsy that marriage commitment has become in modern times. What are the components of that relationship? Well that relationship is expected and assumed to be a love relationship where there is a physical and psychological bond that is expected to last a lifetime. There should be exclusivity in the sense that no other person of the opposite sex should have anything but a superficial relationship with that committed partner. Intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional is only given to the partner, no one else. That relationship is assumed to be based on both partners being candid and truthful with each other and being that there is an earnest desire to live with that partner the rest of their lives , both partners need to give feedback as to what adjustments need to be made to the relationship. That includes gently making the partner aware of some individual personality traits that are making the relationship more difficult. Things one partner would appreciate the other partner working on. Over time the two partners should have come to an equilibrium and compromised what they individually wanted, sacrificing some of their ideals, needs and plans in order to forge a new vision that incorporates the plans of their significant other. Yes, compromise requires not having it all your way, it means concentrating on that vision of a partnership where neither partner has everything that they want, but both partners end up having a far better life than could have ever been lived individually. As a crowning achievement of an ideal relationship, the insight one partner has into the other results in the type of feedback that leads to each partner personally growing in ways that could have never been achieved alone. So now that we have described the ideal, lets start analyzing the role of the narc and the victim. Let's just go down the checklist and really compare. Did the narc ever love the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc have any commitment to the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc try to build a relationship based on mutual respect and compromise? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc presenting themselves honestly? No. Did the victim present themselves honestly? Yes. Did the narc give feedback in the spirit of love and in an earnest effort to help the target improve themselves? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc bonded to the target for a lifetime? No. Was the target? Yes. Did the narc feel any empathy for the target? No. Did the target feel empathy for the narc? Yes. Did the narc have honest, clearly described intentions in the relationship? No. Did the target? Yes. Was it the narc's goal to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the target? No. Did the target try to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the narc? Yes. We could go on and on, but here is a question that has to be answered. By what measure of what constitutes a committed relationship was the narcissist being truthful, serious and honest? If we are unbiased in our analysis we come up with the undeniable fact that the narc was a fraud and a phony through and through. So where did the victim go wrong? What is it that the victim has to change? Well lets think about things again by contrasting the narc to the victim. Here is the primary difference. The narc has gone through life harming one person after another and never once accepted responsibility for the damage they have done. The best the narc could ever do is just walk away from the mess they made and start fresh with someone new. But the narc rarely stops there. The narc usually has to demonize those that he decides are no longer useful. Is the narc's world view, how they relate to their environment and the people in that environment harmful or helpful to others? It is harmful. So the narc is hurting and damaging those around him or her and never seeing the need to change, primarily because the narc has no conscience and feelings of remorse to say nothing of the fact that they don't have any love or empathy so they can't even fully comprehend the pain that they cause others. Let's contrast this to the victim. Is it wrong to want to please others and make them happy? Is it harmful to others to want to please them? No. It may not be healthy to be in need of seeking the approval of others but is it harmful? It might not be healthy to put up with abusive behavior of a partner, but is it harmful to others? We now start to see the primary difference between the narc and the target. The target is definitely dysfunctional, but the target has empathy, the target has introspection and feels love and has a conscience and does feel remorse. The victim has tried hard to look inside themselves and try to figure out what it is they need to change to make things work out. So none of those traits of the target are bad in and of themselves and in a relationship with a partner that truly appreciates them that codependent or self love deficient individual could use all of those tools, those traits that are dysfunctional when a narc takes advantage of them, and use them to build a good solid relationship. The key is finding the right person. That is the fundamental flaw of the codependent. It isn't that the codependent has to make radical changes to their personality or thought process. Codependents are basically harmless people. Yes some will say codependents are also manipulative and maybe that is the case for some, but again we are getting off point. The primary thing that the target has to change is they have to understand narcissism and what it is inside of them that attracts narcissists to them and them to the narc. Once the insight is gained that the target needs to meet someone that isn't a narc and that narcissists are a dead end street, a roller coaster ride to hell, the target can look inside themselves and see that their need to please was excessive. The narc used that excessive need to please to manipulate. The target can also remember all of the times from their childhood where they were taught that others had the right to dictate to them. That others had the right to steal their happiness. Parents have every right to discipline their child, but some children need to be brought up with a gentler hand. The primary problem with codependents is that the parents never did their duty, never taught the codependent to be a sovereign independent human being who expected to be accepted for who they are. Never taught the target to have a level of self-esteem and self-confidence that would make life easier as an adult. Loving parents, well meaning parents may not have done this on purpose, but when that codependent went into the world they were ill prepared for the wolves (narcissists) that could spot them as easy prey. So all of those dysfunctional traits of the co-dependent were taken advantage of by the narc and that is why the victim felt somehow comfortable with the narc's boorish critical behavior. Yes the codependent was conditioned to be this way in their developing childhood. The people around the em path used guilt, remorse and all of those traits that are normally good and healthy and took them to the extreme in that child. Making the child grow up expecting and thinking it is normal to be put down by others, treated badly and manipulated. None of this is normal. and the narc made the target use that desire to please to it's maximum. The same can be said for understanding, tolerance, compassion, empathy, unconditional love. The extremes to which the narc took advantage of these traits of the codependent are what ended up draining the codependent of every ounce of their energy. So yes you could say that the codependent's dysfunction was what caused that drain of energy since the codependent allowed it. But again here is the fundamental difference. The codependent was truthful, honest, sincere and committed in wanting to build a lifetime relationship. The target loved. The target bonded to the narc. For a lifetime. The target only wanted to build up their partner. That is normal. That is good. That is what a relationship is all about. The narc did none of these things. The narc never cared. The narc never loved. The narc used and abused the target. The narc sought to tear down the target. That is not normal. So what work does the target need to do? Educate themselves about narcissists. Educate themselves about how the abuse a narc puts you through is NOT normal. Try to understand what it is inside yourself that attracts you to people who expect you to please them and somehow never give you the satisfaction of achieving that goal. Try to realize that you are a person that deserves to be respected and have a relationship that is lived with someone who accepts you for who you are, doesn't expect you to change and doesn't expect you to please them constantly and always has to have it their way. You deserve a relationship with someone that values you and has your best interests at heart and is committed to helping you with your own personal growth. Realize that a relationship shouldn't constantly have drama and that a relationship should actually stabilize you and make you think more clearly and make you more joyful than you would be without that partner. Your partner should be an asset and should be someone that you feel very fortunate to have met and bonded to. That feeling of contentment should grow with time. So what do you look out for in a partner? Well first and foremost does this person truly love you? There will be many signs that will show you that a narc doesn't love you. You need to pay particular attention to those clues and not minimize them. Any sign that a person is being cruel or calloused to you is another indicator that is only the tip of an iceberg. Have you caught your partner in some lies and have they then refused to admit to the lie? Do they double down instead? Has your partner shown obvious lack of conscience or remorse? Has your partner shown clear lack of empathy towards you? If you start noticing those things early in a relationship it is time to protect yourself and put up some boundaries. Leaving yourself vulnerable or loving a narcissist is the most dangerous type of relationship you could be in. There is no safety being in a relationship with a narc. So be cautious. Look for the signs before you let down your guard. You, the target can stay the way you are and not harm anyone. But that hinges on you identifying and avoiding narcissists. The narcissist on the other hand is the one whose behavior attitude and life purpose are all wrong and need to change. Of course the narc will never change or be forced to change, since their wicked behavior is usually within the bounds of the law. No it isn't a crime to break someone's heart or drive them emotionally over the edge, but let's be clear about this. The narcissist is a criminal and they have committed many crimes and those crimes may be far worse than that of an armed criminal. The criminal at least has no illusions as to having done a good thing. They at least know they are a criminal. The narc on the other hand truly believes themselves to be a fine upstanding member of the community. A wonderful partner. A paragon of virtue. Narcissists are hypocrites, like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. That is Matthew 23 27 paraphrased. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (that is Matthew 23 28). God sees what goes on inside the narcissist's heart, all of the motivations of all that they do. Yes, God saw what the narcissist did to you in high detail. Let God repay and go on with your life free of resentment. So yes, the narc and victim may both have a dysfunctional mindset that draws them to each other and in that sense there is an equivalence, but to take that equivalence and assign equal blame doesn't take into account that there is a clear perpetrator and a clear victim. That there are clear differences between the narc and the victim. The narc is the one that is evil, bad, misrepresents themselves and harms others. The narc is the one who is the criminal and needs to be taken to task. The victim needs to be aware of their deficits and needs to take steps to protect themselves and have higher expectations of their future prospective partners, higher expectations of what a relationship should be. The narc has been removed from your life. That was a blessing, even though you couldn't sometimes see it right after the discard. Some of you can't see that blessing right now and for you I can tell you things will get better. You need to work every day to educate yourself and use the destruction of your life to rebuild a new and better and more joyful existence. It can be done. Your future can be bright, if you work for it and you really want it to be. The narc's world will always be dark, and filled with turmoil. There is no hope, resolution, or peace for a narcissist. The narc was removed to make room for someone better, someone who can love you and appreciate you. You as the victim need to understand that, know what to look for, and never get involved with another narcissist again. Remove toxic people from your environment and allow yourself peace, joy and happiness. Allow yourself to thrive. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

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The Narcissist and their Grandiosity Complex: It is common knowledge that the narc is a hollow human being, There is always something just a “little off” in everything they do. Most people sense this, but they just can't put their finger on the problem. Yes, the narc seems generous when they walk through the streets of New York City handing out cash to the homeless, but somehow the sense of that spirit of generosity just isn't there, especially when the narc starts talking about their partner being a tightwad who would never want to give to or have any concerns about the homeless. When the narc wants to be a contributor to a cause, they always do so in a way that it seems they are doing that anonymously, but it is strange that they then billboard their t-shirt on the internet showing they are a supporter of a cause, or become a publicly listed supporter. No, it is just coincidence that the narc's giving is listed publicly. Yes that t-shirt photo selfie on her public page , that one gave other opportunities as well, it was bait to attract the next partner. Of course the narc wasn't looking at all, were they? They just happened to stumble upon their new soul mate totally by accident and of course looks don't matter. So what that they were still with their old partner telling him they loved him. No need to let on that he was being replaced until absolutely necessary. That counterfeit feeling extended to her real life personal relationships also. The loyalty that she constantly professed with her tongue just didn't manifest itself as she really never focused on her partner after the idealization phase was over. The love, well again the words were there and the actions, but there was just a hollow, counterfeit feel to the whole thing. Something “off”. There could be endless other examples given but let's move on to our subject, the narc's grandiosity complex. So the narcissist's grandiosity complex, which is intimately tied to their sense of entitlement, is similarly just a little bit “off”, but of all of their fake dramatic gesturing this is the one they cling to most and have perfected to the highest level of refinement. Yes, the sense of grandiosity, being better than and superior to other people is their most important trait and is equal in importance to their ability to lie. How so? Well the narc's whole self image, which is no doubt based on a fantasy, has to be maintained for the narc to exist, for them to even have the slightest trace of a core personality. The irony is that deep inside the narc knows they are actually deficient when compared to other people with the capacity for love and empathy, compassion and remorse, those who have a conscience. The narc senses that they are actually inferior to these people and that is what makes the narc react so strongly in an effort to convince themselves and the world that they are different, yes, but that difference makes them superior, not inferior. So, much energy is put into maintaining this sense of superiority, because the facts all around the narc, the reality all around them, points to the truth. The truth that the narc is deficient, the narc is inferior, missing some very important things that others have and the narc never received. Yes love, empathy, joy, creativity, peace, those are all things the narc sees around them and can't understand and those very things when right in front of the narc, make the narc face their own inferiority. Therefore the narc, being envious of those “normal” people goes into defensive and denial mode to convince themselves and all around them that THEY, the narc are the superior ones. But there is another reason for the narc's need for being superior and that lies in the fact that the narc sees everything as black or white good or bad superior or inferior. There is no in between for the narcissist so if the narc isn't good and superior that means they are bad and inferior and the narc can't tolerate even the notion of not being best. So, in a sense, the narcissist has to expend huge amounts of energy to convince themselves and others of their superiority because deep inside the narc knows they are deficient and can't handle that truth. No, the narc could never admit to themselves that they aren't perfect. That then takes us to the narc's incessant and inflated sense of entitlement. Yes, the narc always has to get more than the next person, the narc has to believe that they are deserving of more. To get less than someone else or be equal just doesn't sit well with the narc because it gives the implication that the narc isn't the best, isn't superior to those around them. How does this sense of entitlement manifest? Well it results in some of the narc's most evil deeds. Take the narc's need for revenge for example. If the narc feels that anyone has wronged them, they immediately feel entitled to pay back ten fold and have no remorse about having done so. If anyone questions the narc, same thing, the narc is entitled to and feels justified in teaching a lesson to someone who had the audacity to contradict them. Yes, the narc's nasty behavior towards others, especially their immediate family behind closed doors away from public visibility is horrendous. But again the narc feels totally justified. Turn the tables on the narc and scold them when they deserve it once in three and one half years after the narc has dished out daily doses of vitriol and the narc will go ballistic. Only the narc has the right to have temper tantrums and disparage their partner and treat them poorly. Never the other way around. Take the narcissist's core emotion, envy. If anyone does better or is more fortunate than the narc this is totally unacceptable. After all the narc and the narc alone is the one who always needs to get the best, have the greatest good fortune, and be the best, the “winner”. How dare anyone else take that right away from the narc. How else does this sense of entitlement manifest? Well the narc expects every one of their actions to be praised. The narc would never accept even the slightest hint that something they have done or are doing could use improvement. Is it any wonder that the narc is stuck in their same rut year after year? Those around the narc learn well how to walk on eggshells and not set off the narc. So the victims engage in constant placation and praise of the narc. They have long ago given up on ever being able to have a frank conversation with the narcissist. So yes, in a world where everyone is special the narc needs to be “more special”. In their quest to be the best, the narc can never resist taking the shortcut, going after the big ticket items for their billboard. At all costs. Getting a hollow victory that isn't theirs, costs an enormous amount of energy, produces nothing of any value to society, and never gives a genuine sense of accomplishment to the narcissist. Yes, the narcissist is a broken human being that can't live without sucking others dry of their energy since the narc has a limited ability to generate any energy on their own. Thank you for watching. Peace be with you. Comments are welcomed.