Work That the Victim Of Narcissist Abuse Needs To Do: There have been endless debates on how the victim is partly or in entirety responsible for their encounter with the narc . Some have taken this to the point of actually assigning partial or even the majority of the blame to the victim. Many of these people have good intentions. They are trying to wake up the victim and get them to see what was in their personalities that made them a prime target of the narc and that is a good thing. Where that line of reasoning takes a detour or goes off track is when that deficiency of the victim is used as a talking point to assign responsibility or blame. Now let's be clear there are a myriad of reasons that a relationship can end in a disaster and I am not making a universal statement that all victims are innocent when a relationship with a narc blows up. That would assume all victims are angelic and without flaws of their own. Those flaws, however are not our concern. We have to focus exclusively on the actual relationship dynamic that is unique to a narcissist and their target. Of course no person is perfect. We all lie at times, misrepresent ourselves, have fits of rage and anger, are selfish and maybe even try to deceive someone into thinking more of us than we actually are. None of that is the issue. The narc is the one who uses those imperfections that we all have and tries to use those imperfections in the target to prove that they were either exclusively innocent victims in the relationship or “mostly innocent”. Yes the imperfections we all have as humans are what the narcissist harps on and oftentimes convinces the victim of is the reason that the relationship ended or even ended badly. This is all just a ploy to redirect concentration from the truth, the truth of what the narc was really up to in the relationship. Lets be very clear about this: the fact that the victim is imperfect is totally beside the point. So let's go over what happens in a relationship between a narc and their victim. Let's focus on what is important. What is a relationship between two people? Well nowadays it can be almost anything from something called friends with benefits all the way up to what was once considered the norm, an actual committed lifetime relationship between two people where both partners have pledged to stay together for life despite any difficulties. I guess we are defining marriage with that ultimate relationship. We all are aware of how flimsy that marriage commitment has become in modern times. What are the components of that relationship? Well that relationship is expected and assumed to be a love relationship where there is a physical and psychological bond that is expected to last a lifetime. There should be exclusivity in the sense that no other person of the opposite sex should have anything but a superficial relationship with that committed partner. Intimacy, whether it be physical or emotional is only given to the partner, no one else. That relationship is assumed to be based on both partners being candid and truthful with each other and being that there is an earnest desire to live with that partner the rest of their lives , both partners need to give feedback as to what adjustments need to be made to the relationship. That includes gently making the partner aware of some individual personality traits that are making the relationship more difficult. Things one partner would appreciate the other partner working on. Over time the two partners should have come to an equilibrium and compromised what they individually wanted, sacrificing some of their ideals, needs and plans in order to forge a new vision that incorporates the plans of their significant other. Yes, compromise requires not having it all your way, it means concentrating on that vision of a partnership where neither partner has everything that they want, but both partners end up having a far better life than could have ever been lived individually. As a crowning achievement of an ideal relationship, the insight one partner has into the other results in the type of feedback that leads to each partner personally growing in ways that could have never been achieved alone. So now that we have described the ideal, lets start analyzing the role of the narc and the victim. Let's just go down the checklist and really compare. Did the narc ever love the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc have any commitment to the target? No. Did the target? Yes. Did the narc try to build a relationship based on mutual respect and compromise? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc presenting themselves honestly? No. Did the victim present themselves honestly? Yes. Did the narc give feedback in the spirit of love and in an earnest effort to help the target improve themselves? No. Did the target? Yes. Was the narc bonded to the target for a lifetime? No. Was the target? Yes. Did the narc feel any empathy for the target? No. Did the target feel empathy for the narc? Yes. Did the narc have honest, clearly described intentions in the relationship? No. Did the target? Yes. Was it the narc's goal to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the target? No. Did the target try to have a peaceful, joyful coexistence with the narc? Yes. We could go on and on, but here is a question that has to be answered. By what measure of what constitutes a committed relationship was the narcissist being truthful, serious and honest? If we are unbiased in our analysis we come up with the undeniable fact that the narc was a fraud and a phony through and through. So where did the victim go wrong? What is it that the victim has to change? Well lets think about things again by contrasting the narc to the victim. Here is the primary difference. The narc has gone through life harming one person after another and never once accepted responsibility for the damage they have done. The best the narc could ever do is just walk away from the mess they made and start fresh with someone new. But the narc rarely stops there. The narc usually has to demonize those that he decides are no longer useful. Is the narc's world view, how they relate to their environment and the people in that environment harmful or helpful to others? It is harmful. So the narc is hurting and damaging those around him or her and never seeing the need to change, primarily because the narc has no conscience and feelings of remorse to say nothing of the fact that they don't have any love or empathy so they can't even fully comprehend the pain that they cause others. Let's contrast this to the victim. Is it wrong to want to please others and make them happy? Is it harmful to others to want to please them? No. It may not be healthy to be in need of seeking the approval of others but is it harmful? It might not be healthy to put up with abusive behavior of a partner, but is it harmful to others? We now start to see the primary difference between the narc and the target. The target is definitely dysfunctional, but the target has empathy, the target has introspection and feels love and has a conscience and does feel remorse. The victim has tried hard to look inside themselves and try to figure out what it is they need to change to make things work out. So none of those traits of the target are bad in and of themselves and in a relationship with a partner that truly appreciates them that codependent or self love deficient individual could use all of those tools, those traits that are dysfunctional when a narc takes advantage of them, and use them to build a good solid relationship. The key is finding the right person. That is the fundamental flaw of the codependent. It isn't that the codependent has to make radical changes to their personality or thought process. Codependents are basically harmless people. Yes some will say codependents are also manipulative and maybe that is the case for some, but again we are getting off point. The primary thing that the target has to change is they have to understand narcissism and what it is inside of them that attracts narcissists to them and them to the narc. Once the insight is gained that the target needs to meet someone that isn't a narc and that narcissists are a dead end street, a roller coaster ride to hell, the target can look inside themselves and see that their need to please was excessive. The narc used that excessive need to please to manipulate. The target can also remember all of the times from their childhood where they were taught that others had the right to dictate to them. That others had the right to steal their happiness. Parents have every right to discipline their child, but some children need to be brought up with a gentler hand. The primary problem with codependents is that the parents never did their duty, never taught the codependent to be a sovereign independent human being who expected to be accepted for who they are. Never taught the target to have a level of self-esteem and self-confidence that would make life easier as an adult. Loving parents, well meaning parents may not have done this on purpose, but when that codependent went into the world they were ill prepared for the wolves (narcissists) that could spot them as easy prey. So all of those dysfunctional traits of the co-dependent were taken advantage of by the narc and that is why the victim felt somehow comfortable with the narc's boorish critical behavior. Yes the codependent was conditioned to be this way in their developing childhood. The people around the em path used guilt, remorse and all of those traits that are normally good and healthy and took them to the extreme in that child. Making the child grow up expecting and thinking it is normal to be put down by others, treated badly and manipulated. None of this is normal. and the narc made the target use that desire to please to it's maximum. The same can be said for understanding, tolerance, compassion, empathy, unconditional love. The extremes to which the narc took advantage of these traits of the codependent are what ended up draining the codependent of every ounce of their energy. So yes you could say that the codependent's dysfunction was what caused that drain of energy since the codependent allowed it. But again here is the fundamental difference. The codependent was truthful, honest, sincere and committed in wanting to build a lifetime relationship. The target loved. The target bonded to the narc. For a lifetime. The target only wanted to build up their partner. That is normal. That is good. That is what a relationship is all about. The narc did none of these things. The narc never cared. The narc never loved. The narc used and abused the target. The narc sought to tear down the target. That is not normal. So what work does the target need to do? Educate themselves about narcissists. Educate themselves about how the abuse a narc puts you through is NOT normal. Try to understand what it is inside yourself that attracts you to people who expect you to please them and somehow never give you the satisfaction of achieving that goal. Try to realize that you are a person that deserves to be respected and have a relationship that is lived with someone who accepts you for who you are, doesn't expect you to change and doesn't expect you to please them constantly and always has to have it their way. You deserve a relationship with someone that values you and has your best interests at heart and is committed to helping you with your own personal growth. Realize that a relationship shouldn't constantly have drama and that a relationship should actually stabilize you and make you think more clearly and make you more joyful than you would be without that partner. Your partner should be an asset and should be someone that you feel very fortunate to have met and bonded to. That feeling of contentment should grow with time. So what do you look out for in a partner? Well first and foremost does this person truly love you? There will be many signs that will show you that a narc doesn't love you. You need to pay particular attention to those clues and not minimize them. Any sign that a person is being cruel or calloused to you is another indicator that is only the tip of an iceberg. Have you caught your partner in some lies and have they then refused to admit to the lie? Do they double down instead? Has your partner shown obvious lack of conscience or remorse? Has your partner shown clear lack of empathy towards you? If you start noticing those things early in a relationship it is time to protect yourself and put up some boundaries. Leaving yourself vulnerable or loving a narcissist is the most dangerous type of relationship you could be in. There is no safety being in a relationship with a narc. So be cautious. Look for the signs before you let down your guard. You, the target can stay the way you are and not harm anyone. But that hinges on you identifying and avoiding narcissists. The narcissist on the other hand is the one whose behavior attitude and life purpose are all wrong and need to change. Of course the narc will never change or be forced to change, since their wicked behavior is usually within the bounds of the law. No it isn't a crime to break someone's heart or drive them emotionally over the edge, but let's be clear about this. The narcissist is a criminal and they have committed many crimes and those crimes may be far worse than that of an armed criminal. The criminal at least has no illusions as to having done a good thing. They at least know they are a criminal. The narc on the other hand truly believes themselves to be a fine upstanding member of the community. A wonderful partner. A paragon of virtue. Narcissists are hypocrites, like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. That is Matthew 23 27 paraphrased. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. (that is Matthew 23 28). God sees what goes on inside the narcissist's heart, all of the motivations of all that they do. Yes, God saw what the narcissist did to you in high detail. Let God repay and go on with your life free of resentment. So yes, the narc and victim may both have a dysfunctional mindset that draws them to each other and in that sense there is an equivalence, but to take that equivalence and assign equal blame doesn't take into account that there is a clear perpetrator and a clear victim. That there are clear differences between the narc and the victim. The narc is the one that is evil, bad, misrepresents themselves and harms others. The narc is the one who is the criminal and needs to be taken to task. The victim needs to be aware of their deficits and needs to take steps to protect themselves and have higher expectations of their future prospective partners, higher expectations of what a relationship should be. The narc has been removed from your life. That was a blessing, even though you couldn't sometimes see it right after the discard. Some of you can't see that blessing right now and for you I can tell you things will get better. You need to work every day to educate yourself and use the destruction of your life to rebuild a new and better and more joyful existence. It can be done. Your future can be bright, if you work for it and you really want it to be. The narc's world will always be dark, and filled with turmoil. There is no hope, resolution, or peace for a narcissist. The narc was removed to make room for someone better, someone who can love you and appreciate you. You as the victim need to understand that, know what to look for, and never get involved with another narcissist again. Remove toxic people from your environment and allow yourself peace, joy and happiness. Allow yourself to thrive. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.

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