Getting over the “What If's” after Narcissist Discard One of the things that tortures the Narc victim after the sudden discard is the “what if” syndrome. What if I would have said that, what if I would have done that differently, what if I would have noticed sooner that something was wrong, what if I would have been more assertive in trying to resolve issues I knew needed to be addressed in the relationship, what if I would have breached my integrity and done what the narc asked, the list goes on and on. “If only”, then you would still be in the relationship with the narc, you would still be happy (or at least you thought you were happy). This is like being in quicksand, the more you struggle and try to make sense of things, the deeper you sink. So how do you get out of this scenario? What you need to do is focus on other things, once you focus on the other things and answer some questions you won't have any “what if's”, at least for this episode of recurrent PTSD. Here is what to focus on, at least what I have found is helpful. One: Was the Narc lying to you? To one degree or another, YES. Two: Were they ever really honest with you about their feelings, and their plans? No, they were NOT. Three: Did they ever really want to work things out with you and have any resolution to the problems that came up in the relationship? No, they did not. Four: Did they ever even want to deal with the problems in the relationship when you brought them up? No, they did not. Five: Did they ever really love you? Well, you always thought they did, they said they did, but there were so many evidences to the contrary. Six: Were they ever loyal to you? No they were not. There were so many evidences of disloyalty, that you couldn't believe they were loyal and yet the narc turned the tables on you and sometimes questioned your loyalty, which was never in question, by the way. By the narc questioning your loyalty, you automatically assumed they understood the importance of loyalty and they valued loyalty. You never even considered that possibly the narc was just setting up a smoke screen to hide their own disloyalty. Seven: Then you have to think about multiple times where you were just puzzled by the way the narc acted when they should have had sympathy and empathy for you, they should have cared about you, they should have really been concerned about you. What did the narc do in these situations? They were totally cold and calloused in ways you would have never expected them to be in that environment. So, after going through all of the above questions and answering them honestly, you have to wonder if the narc ever really loved you at all. When you start focusing on the above questions with the new found knowledge that you have gained through research on the web, YouTube, books, and learning about other people's experiences , you realize that you were definitely with a narc. Of course, you have to be very sure of that, you don't want to be just accusing them of this, but when you're sure you were with a narc, you're sure they didn't have a lot of the qualities that a partner should have had, then you can start letting yourself off the hook. You can stop with the “what if's”. You tried everything in your power to have meaningful conversations and resolve issues, the narc did everything in their power to NEVER resolve them. You were an honest broker, you made a lifetime commitment to the narc. The narc was just putting on an act, knowing that they were putting on an act and just planning a few steps ahead, so that they could make an exit cleanly, pretending it was all your, the victim's fault. This is what the narc was doing all along. The narc never planned on having a permanent relationship with you, and if they did plan on a lifetime relationship, it would still only last as long as it was advantageous to the narc. They would abandon that commitment with no remorse when another newer or better opportunity came along always with a good excuse for why they had to leave and why they are the victim and you are all to blame. So let's say the discard could have been avoided and you were still in the relationship with the narc. Would you really be better off? Think about it. You would still be under the impression the narc loved you, that they were loyal, that they were honest and mostly truthful, that they were truly committed to you. You would never even know that covert narcissists exist. Yes you would once again think you were happy, but were you really happy in the relationship? Not really. On top of that you now know that the whole foundation of the relationship was based on lies and deception, so that whatever value you placed on the relationship and whatever comfort and happiness you were getting was really only based on an illusion. Think about this. You are now better off. True joy, happiness and hope are slowly coming back into your life. Yes, you are better off. Focus on that. What if you were back with the narc? You would still think you were happy and just needing to work a little bit harder to satisfy the unhappy, dissatisfied narc. Success was always just around the corner as you squeezed yourself harder and harder and yet you never seemed to get any traction. Is that really something you miss? One last point to make: You still think that YOU are the one who lost everything when the relationship suddenly ended, but you really didn't lose anything when the narc left. Ironically, the narc, who thinks they lost nothing, really, actually lost everything. The narc lost true love, they lost someone who cared about them. They lost someone who was committed to them as a human being and dedicated to their personal growth. A person dedicated to the growth of the relationship, and committed to the narc's happiness. That's what they lost. What you thought you lost: love, somebody who cared about you, somebody who would be your life partner, you NEVER had. So just remember that, and be thankful that the “what if's” didn't go a different way, that things are the way they are. If you really do want to do some “what if's”. What if you were still with that person? What if you were still under the illusion that they cared about you? What if you went forward even further with your relationship together and made even deeper commitments. What if? What if you realized all of this even deeper into the relationship? What if the narc was untrue to you when you were even more vulnerableThank you as always for listening. I look forward to your comments. May peace and joy surround you and may you heal more and more with each passing day.