The Narcissist Never Plays an Honest Hand: Comments have arisen on this channel about no contact and the implication was made that if the victim enforces no contact against the narcissist isn't the victim being hardhearted? That poses an interesting question, especially if the victim is the one that was discarded, and this is a valid question that deserves an answer. So, should the narcissist be given a second chance? Almost everyone deserves a second chance don't they? The answer is No if that person tried to kill you, and shows no sign of having learned anything since the event, but that is an extreme example. Most of the time yes, everyone deserves a second chance and the real issue here is one of trust. Even if given a second chance the victim would be fool hearty to let down their guard if the narcissist wants to resume a relationship. So, here is the problem, the narcissist never plays an honest hand. Would you play another game of poker with someone who took away your life savings in your last Poker game then was found to be cheating? How then do you approach someone in this scenario? You have three options: play the game and make sure you don't put too much at stake, have someone closely monitor the other player, or YOU, the victim decide that Poker will no longer be played. You decide on the game to be played and you make the rules and you closely monitor your opponent for cheating. If there is cheating a penalty will need to be established. If your partner refuses to play on an even playing field, you have done your duty and given them the second chance at a relationship, not a second chance to take advantage of you and destroy all that you have rebuilt. Here is my real life experience. I was free of the narc and had taken them off of my phone contacts long ago, when a question came up in the comments section asking if a victim going no contact with the narc is hardhearted which it definitely is not, since the victim has every right to get away from the abuse. My response was also that I would give the narc a second chance if they asked for it, and that I would try to make things work. I made an Instagram post that I thought the narc might see stating that I was willing to communicate with her if she wanted to resolve our issues. Not one week later I get a message on Instagram that I have a contact with a new IG account with the name “spam account “x”, name withheld”, no posts, over 300 followers, new account. I didn't really care. Ignored it. 1 week later my Instagram page tells me “your friend “y”, account name withheld, is on Instagram”. I now have another contact that is on Instagram. Well there were some dark posts on that site which gave me cause for concern, so I actually commented on the post out of concern. Then, not 6 hours later, I realized I was once again being set up for another round of deception, screen shotted my comment, deleted it, and blocked and hid all of these new accounts from my Instagram page. Once again the narc was going to engage me in a game where the narc made all of the rules. 2 days later I unblocked the account and made a post saying you have my number you are free to text me if you want to contact me. I for one will not be looking up those accounts again. Then the doubt sets in and you start beating yourself up thinking you just blew an opportunity at communicating with your previous partner and lost the opportunity to resolve some of the issues that are still up in the air. Once again you're back in the depths of depression and it's like day 2 post discard. You lose all sense and value of yourself again, but luckily after some much needed sleep and reflection it dawns on you, if that narc really cared they would come at you in a straightforward way. I clearly stated to her she was welcomed to contact me, and of course I meant as herself. Instead I am supposed to communicate with some dark anime character. A woman of nearly 50 years of age should be beyond that. So like someone who has overcome a bad infection, you have some immunity from being reinfected and this is what I observed. You have just rebuilt yourself into a functional human being with greater and greater periods of joy in your life and you are optimistic about your future and feeling pretty good about yourself. Then this setback and something inside of you fights back. You realize that you are a person with beliefs and with standards, a person with internal sovereignty that has value. You realize there is nothing wrong with you. These strong reactions and reaffirmations of yourself are your psyche's natural defense against the impulse you have to beat yourself up and question yourself for not having been good enough for the narc or having ideas that didn't align with that of the narcissist. It is like an immune system and as rapidly as this reinfection comes it resolves itself. You have learned and you have learned on a subconscious level. Then to complete the cure you reemphasize and recall all of the terribly abusive behavior the narc inflicted and again think of her as an evil beast. This terrible metaphor is also protective since it very accurately depicts the danger the narc poses to you. This is literally a battle for your heart, soul, and mind and at one point it was a battle for your very life, so I am very sorry, but I have no regrets calling these people evil beasts. My death or misfortune or financial ruin would give the narc the greatest pleasure. I can not go into the details, but because of the narc's gaslighting, triangulation, and devaluation, I was at the verge of making a huge mistake that the narc knew about. Metaphorically, I was about to drive off a cliff financially and personally and the narc knew this and just watched and waited. They actually went out of their way to get me to make this mistake. Luckily, I came to my senses and I am now better off than I could have ever imagined. No thanks to the narc. So, to get back to reconciliation, if that were ever to happen, which is highly unlikely. Remember the poker analogy and the fact that the narc never plays an honest hand. Keep on reminding yourself of that. Only verifiable actions should ever dissuade you of that notion. First and foremost the victim will have to be the one making the rules in the relationship and the victim had better have a strong sense of who they are and keep their core being heavily guarded and off limits to the narc. Trust and laxening of the control will have to be earned. You are now wise to the ways of the narc, so gaslighting, lying, circular arguments that get you nowhere will need to be called out as they occur. Real honest communication will have to be an integral part of every day, week, and month and the relationship will have to be made a high priority. In addition there can be no secrecy, that is a two way street both you and the narc need to be more open about things. Will this ever occur with a narcissist? That's highly unlikely. The narc will put on the act of sincerity, but most likely once again find a way into you. They will almost see the above rules and constraints as a challenge and once they have gained your confidence, they will not be able to fight the urge to find new supply and discard you yet again. So, should you give the narc a second chance? That depends on your situation. You are best off not to give that second chance, but if you feel strong enough to enforce all of the safeguards, maybe. If you aren't married to that person, one episode of actual infidelity is probably enough to say NO. If you are married, especially if you have children then there is more of a need to try to make things work. If a person is physically violent with you all bets are off, NO WAY do you want to place yourself in physical or life threatening danger. That is my opinion. My policy for a girlfriend was always “one strike and you're out” and I made that clear to her and she knew I meant it. Trust? My clearly stated policy was that my trust for them was 100%. They had 100% freedom to do whatever they needed to do or wanted to do without question or concern on my part. Unexplained time away or inability to keep a date on time were never questioned as was phone or computer use. But once there was evidence of a problem with infidelity I would move to find out everything. That was clearly stated to my ex and she knew I was serious. I always believe that a person's infidelity will eventually be brought to my attention without any effort on my part and that proved itself to be true. In conclusion, the best course of action is to get yourself back, become emotionally strong and mentally healthy again and when you are ready find a genuine person to spend the rest of your life with. Freedom from a narcissist is the greatest gift you could give yourself and it shouldn't be that difficult to find someone that will be far superior to the narc, since the average person is not a pathological narcissist, narcopath for short. Thank you for watching. Your comments are always welcomed.