Blame and the Narcissist: The narc is fixated on blame, they brood on “who's at fault” and interestingly enough it's always anyone else but them. It's been said many times and it is true that the narcissist is the perennial victim. The narcissist has a long list of offenders starting with their parents, who of course, started the cycle of letting them down and not acknowledging their “specialness” and goes on from there. Every significant relationship thereafter was the same, somehow the person let them down, never measured up, didn't give the narc what they needed and expected to have. What were these people's deficiencies? It all boils down to the fact that they weren't perfect and the narc found those imperfections unacceptable. After all the narc found no imperfections (that the narc couldn't justify) in themselves, they are giving their partner perfection therefore it's only natural that the narc should also expect that perfection from others. That is the mentality of the narc. So yes the narc needs to be the victim, the perfect one, the “right” one, the person that was”abused”, “neglected”, “misunderstood”, the list goes on. Does the narc notice imperfection in themselves at all? Yes, they are thinking people, they have brains, but they always minimize those deficiencies or justify them by placing the blame on others. But for the imperfections of others, their parents and later in life their family, friends, partners, employers, workmates, in other words anyone the narc comes in contact with, the narc would be flawless. No sin the narc commits is unforgivable, so they go through life as the righteous one. Yes, that pattern began as a young child, when there may well have been a legitimate cause for calling themselves abused, but that pattern of playing the role of a victim grows and becomes set in stone as the narc develops into adolescence and then adulthood. The narc can't escape this pattern that they have established over time. It's beyond the scope of this discussion, but there is a point to be made that the narc was a victim as a child and developed severe deeply ingrained deficiencies that are nearly impossible to get over even as a thinking adult. That is agreed. But there is the fact that others having suffered similar abuse as children, have “moved on” and haven't dwelled upon the deficiencies of their upbringing. So why do these points have to be made? Because there is the need for the healthy people the narc comes in contact with and damages to call themselves a victim, the one that was abused, the one that was “wronged”. So for a brief moment in time the otherwise healthy person does have to enter this world of the narc, a world where there is right and wrong good and bad and in this case the victim does have to get into the uncomfortable position of putting the blame on another: the narcissist. That doesn't come naturally for someone that grew up and became an adult and learned the importance of personal responsibility. In the relationship with a narc they were a victim and after a lifetime of having figured life out, done the work of building themselves up as adolescents and adults the victim has to acknowledge “victim status”, as immature as that is, as humiliating as that is, and “hit the books” having the humility to realize they were totally naive when it came to covert narcissism. So what about the person who attracts one narc partner after another, being totally unaware of what it is inside of them that attracts them to these people and attracts those narcs to them? Well there is now help. Much of the problem was lack of knowledge and understanding. Lack of information about covert narcissism, so even in those cases the “victim” should let themselves off the hook. How so? Well we have to go into the dynamic of the empath- narc relationship to explain that. Here is the big difference between the narc and the target, who is the victim in this relationship dynamic, but not forever. When the relationship blew up, the victim didn't have anything to personally reflect upon. Throughout the relationship with the narc, the victim was focusing on the relationship and trying to make it work. The victim was keenly aware of both the deficiencies in themselves that needed to be worked on to make the relationship work as well as the deficiencies in their narc partner that were holding the narc partner back from enjoying life as well as making the relationship unnecessarily tumultuous. The victim tried to gently get the narc to see those deficiencies in themselves, but more importantly cared enough about the narc to try and understand what their problem was. The victim didn't expect perfection in the narc partner, knowing that to be unrealistic and also being self aware, was always focused on their own deficiencies, the things they needed to change in themselves. That healthy introspection and taking of personal responsibility in the victim is what the shrewd narc capitalized on and used to gain a foothold in the other person's life. That foothold of personal responsibility in the victim that the narc wasn't bound by is what the narc used to gain the upper hand in the relationship and assert control, and dominance- all gradually, in a way to make sure the victim didn't become aware. It was one of the narc's many tools of manipulation along with guilt, conscience, remorse, and the bond that a person who truly loves has to their partner. Again, the narc isn't bound by any of those and uses those qualities in the victim to assert their control. Again, the narc does this covertly and gradually, so that the victim never even notices it. A stunning personal example is the obvious arrogance of the narc I was with. I was totally blind to it even though it was in plain sight. I was convinced of the narc's humility right up until and beyond the discard, yet her stories of cutting older people off with her car, telling police officers off that were following her, telling neighbors off, being offended by relatives and telling them off, well I just didn't put the pieces together until later. Yes that arrogance, the lying, the feelings of grandiosity, omnipotence, importance and superiority was on full display after the discard, but that attitude was there all along. It should have also been obvious in the fact that the narc couldn't even tolerate the slightest suggestion that they could improve on something that they had done. I just couldn't see it. So what is the point? Should the victim, who put in a huge effort to make things work, acknowledging the fact that they themselves weren't perfect, be blamed for having that healthy attitude? Should a partner who is reasonable enough to realize that no one is perfect and that you have to work on a relationship and work on yourself and try to gently make your partner aware of areas that they could improve wring their hands and try to see where they were at fault? Should accepting the fact that their partner wasn't perfect and that no person is perfect be considered an act of enablement if the victim tries to make it work? The answer is NO, that is what a normal healthy, committed relationship is all about. The victims only real problem is that they were unaware of the condition called covert narcissism. A condition in which the victim is, by design, kept in the dark by the narc as he or she plays their wicked game of deception and manipulation, totally detached from the fact that they are playing with another person's life. So the victim moves on, revisits their adolescence and childhood and once again embarks on a journey of “self-help”. The victim grows and learns and refuses to dim their light or distrust others. The victim refuses to not make themselves vulnerable to another person once again. Without that vulnerability and the ability to totally give yourself to another human being, you can have a mediocre and unsatisfying relationship and life at best. The victim now knows about covert narcissism and is keenly aware of what to look for. The victim has the good sense to no longer allow negative, manipulative people to get a foothold in their lives. The victim no longer allows family members to manipulate their lives, “steal their peace” or take away their joy. They gently put up a wall and continue on with their obligations, but will not allow their personal sovereignty, their private space, to be breached by another human being. Yes, the victim has learned to spot narcs and some have been right under their noses for a long time. The victim doesn't place a tag of narcissist on everyone they encounter, but they will certainly look for the signs of manipulation and eliminate those people from their lives. The victim WAS a victim in the dynamic of the relationship with a narc, but they have now grown and now simply see themselves as a target. The target has been down this road before, when they were a teenager and that target saw their parents as imperfect people who did the best they could and as the target became an adult he used all that his parents taught him and filled in what was missing by seeking out and learning what was absent from their instruction. Please note that I am talking about psychological abuse here, by parents who meant well, but didn't know better. Physical childhood abuse is something very different and is an area I am unqualified to have an opinion on. But just to make it clear, my father's imperfect parenting was never an issue for me, because I understood that he didn't learn how to be a father from his upbringing, he had to learn it from scratch, and compared to his grim past I will always give him a grade of “A” and not just for effort. Yes, I had minor physical and moderate to severe psychological abuse from someone who never even wanted to be a parent, but I give that man a pass. That man, my father, did suffer both repeated and continuous physical and severe psychological abuse as a child. He looked in the mirror and did the best he could to not repeat the mistakes of his father or his incredibly cruel stepmother. He made it a point to change and he did change and eventually even truly loved his son. That is something a narc will never understand. The narc is a victim and a victim alone. It's never their fault. They will never grow up and take personal responsibility. The narc is fixated on blame, it's all about blame for the narc and that blame is always someone else's. Forever. Your comments are welcomed. May you be filled with peace, joy and love on your journey into the light away from the dark world of the narcissist.