The Narcissist and Their Shadow Play: The Narcissist can't live in the sunlight where everything is clearly visible with brilliant colors and well defined outlines. The narc needs to live in the world between dusk and dawn, a world of ambiguity where nothing is as it seems and the shadow world they create can be fully under their control. They need to come into the sunlight to obtain new supply, and they can maintain the appearance of a light dweller for quite some time, but this requires an enormous amount of energy for the narcissist. The world of sunlight is an unnatural environment for the narc. But the narc does have the skills to live in that world, they have perfected their ability to project a custom made persona, “mask” for any environment, be that the workplace, family relationship, or their personal relationships. Yes, each of those environments will get it's own custom made persona, tailored specifically to the environment's requirements and more importantly to the narc's ultimate goal: to take full command and control of that environment. So the narc is driven. Driven by the need to be king or queen, to being the person who calls the shots and every ounce of their motivation is focused on that goal and that goal alone. So if the narc sees a target or scenario they have to own they will do whatever it takes to take that environment or person over. If it is required to be humble and obedient, yes the narc can play that role very convincingly, after all this humility is merely an act and the narc's pleasure is to be able to pull off that act. If they need to put on the pretense of being chaste, no problem, dedicated, loyal, kind, loving, no problem. After all the narc has devoted their whole life to deception and playing at what they consider the “game of life”. So let's get back to our analogy. We have all been outdoors and observed the gradual departure of daylight as it almost imperceptibly fades away. This is precisely how the narc plies their trade. Yes they start out in the world of light, but gradually, imperceptibly they bring their captured targets, light dwellers, into the dusk and in some cases into total darkness, where the victim is so blind that they can't see the hand in front of their face, so profound is the darkness. In that world of darkness the narc has full control and can make their victim believe whatever they need them to believe. So they can make themselves into a powerful person in that shadow world. They can make a dilapidated shack in the distance, your future together, appear as a lush well maintained mansion. When it is time to dispense with you, they drag you further into the darkness and start telling you of wolves in the shadows that lurk behind every rock and you believe it all by that point. The mansion? Yes it still exists, but you the victim are unworthy, someone else will be living in that glorious mansion. Here is the reality: That mansion never existed. It is a run down, rat infested shack with a leaking roof, barely large enough to accommodate two people. Strange how that shack can cast such a gracefully large shadow. Yes it can. But frankly, I actually took a detailed look at that “shack”, even as I was in the relationship and I never had the heart to tell the narc what a ridiculously inadequate environment it was. Totally impractical. Based on nothing but emotional manipulation of the most obvious kind, arrogance, apostasy, deception, and outright lies. I just wonder if the narc already knew that the shack was just that or they really believed it was a mansion or at least made themselves believe. Don't care to know anymore. Not my problem. My journey to that shack was to get to understand the mentality of that person, to see what I had to work with. Little did I know the narc was living in a far deeper fantasy world. A world that would make that “shack” closer to the real world in comparison. That is sad, but also chilling. So what is the point for the target or victim of the narcissist? The victim having spent time in this dark world without even knowing it can't now suddenly go out into the sunlight, they need to gradually allow themselves to move closer and closer to the real world, the world of light. Your journey of healing, moving out of the darkness will be slow and imperceptible. Just as the gradual fading of darkness makes way for the light at dawn, you need to drag yourself back into the light gradually to let your heart, mind, and psyche, your “eyes”, adjust to that world of light. As the surrounding light increases you will again be able to see clearly and be able to clearly perceive the reality of what is going on around you. You will once again have fresh air to breathe. Leave that swamp and it's wicked odors, shadows, fog, mud and quicksand to the narcissist. The narc may one day fall into their own quicksand since they prefer to live in that world. Yes even the narc who thinks they are the master of the darkness, can't see everything in that world they prefer to live in. Are those shadows the narc perceives as the enemy real? Is that really a bear or a lion or just the shadow of a rock? Is that quicksand they are about to step into or firm ground? You on the other hand can walk confidently on verifiable firm ground and live your life without fear, if you so choose. Yes, we understand that world of the narcissist, because we had to live in it. There may be a degree of comfort in that world of ambiguity. You could probably get used to the wicked odor of the narc and their world, but that odor gets into every pore of your skin. After many months of “scrubbing” yourself you can eventually fully eliminate that odor from your life and move on. Over time in the fresh air you will come to be repelled by that distinctive “smell”, that “odor” that is common to all narcissists. It is that sickly sweet smell of death and decay, combined with arrogance and self deluded importance, omnipotence,privilege, and exceptional ability. But the narc deftly covered that up with a heavy dose of cologne or perfume. Many are all familiar with that haughty bizarre grin of the narc as they get satisfaction out of having once again successfully gaslit or otherwise confused or lied to the victim. Contrast the “smell” of that with a person who genuinely loves and cares about you and gives you a genuine smile of warmth and affection. Feel the difference when someone genuinely cares and puts their hand in yours as they gaze into your eyes. Yes there is a difference. The difference between life and death, fresh clear pure water and polluted water, fresh air and foul polluted air. We need to be able to see the difference. We need to be able to spot the counterfeits, the fakes. We need to be aware of our surroundings and make sure we aren't dragged into the darkness where everything has to be taken on blind faith, where we can't really tell truth from fiction. We need to stay in the light. We need to focus on discernment. Look for empathy, look for compassion, look for remorse and a conscience, very carefully see if a person is genuine in their affections. There is a difference between the real thing and the fake. We were deceived. Was it because we were in the darkness and couldn't see? Was it because we weren't vigilant, because someone redirected our attention? Did we just not understand due to prior conditioning that it isn't normal for someone to devalue you, put you down, destroy your self esteem, and expect you to please them with no reciprocation? The questions are endless, but it doesn't matter. We will no longer put up with this. No more. We need to focus on what is important and we need to expect that our partners respect us and are truthful with us. We have learned. We will stay in the light and not allow our focus on the important things to be distracted. Just as the narcissist became more and more skilled at deception, we targets can become more and more skilled at detection. By learning to detect and isolate ourselves from narcissists we targets can keep our humanity, in the same way that the narc refined their evil and lost their humanity, if they ever even had any. The narcissist destroyed your life, that is in the past. They didn't destroy you, even though right after the discard or your imposition of no contact it felt that way. You can turn that tragedy into an opportunity and rebuild your life wisely, or you can allow that event to define you. Yes, the narcissist destroyed your past, but you are in control of your present and future. How do we rebuild and restore our lives? First, don't allow your narc ex and other narcissists any present or future opportunities by moving forward with the firm resolve to choose your future and those you associate with carefully and cautiously, eliminating or minimizing your contact with narcissists. Second, don't dwell on the abuse, work on and minimize your desire for vengeance. Leave the narc to God. I have repeated to myself over and over “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, sayeth the Lord”. The full passage is in Romans 12 19 “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord.” This is also found in Deuteronomy 32 35.
Removing that need for vengeance is a huge task, a daily task for many months, but eventually you can lift that burden off of your shoulders. The burden of punishing the narcissist is too heavy for us to handle and God doesn't want us to have that burden. He wants you to give it to Him, leave it in His hands. That frees you to move on with your life. If God decides the narc deserves no punishment, that is His good pleasure. But rest assured, ultimately no narcissist will get away with a single act that they have committed unless they genuinely humble themselves to God. If the narcissist thinks they can gaslight God or deceive Him in any way they will have a very serious and terrifying awakening in their passage beyond the veil of death. Thank you for watching. Comments are welcomed. Peace be with you.