NARCISSIST HELP: Slaying the dragon of DENIAL The Difference between Denial and Not Dwelling on something is the difference between stagnation or even regression and progress, mental dysfunction and mental function. Today's population tends to think of mental dysfunction as permanent and incurable without the help of the mental health industry and that is true for many conditions but the body was also created in a way that it heals itself. We have all seen the healing process when a finger was cut or injured or when we fell and were bruised, so it stands to reason that just like many physical injuries, many mental injuries can also be, in part, healed by the natural mechanisms of the body (in this case the mind). The analogy goes further in that you don't want to try a self cure or “let nature take it's course” when there is a clear and obvious need for professional help. That is where the denial becomes especially dangerous. There is a difference between a cut finger that is healing and a finger that is swollen and not healing and becoming gangrenous. The denial in this case can result in not just the loss (or amputation) of the finger, but potentially the whole hand or even death with total neglect. That is the disclaimer, but today's discussion is on the more benign mental problems that exist from injuries to the psyche, or that are chronically present due to our childhood upbringing. Professionals should always be consulted if there is any question of the injury or mental disorder not healing or getting worse. The injured person is not always the best judge of what cure is needed, but for the most part benign mental injuries or chronic mental dysfunction can be addressed by “self-help” in the form of information people learn to help themselves. Books and YouTube videos as well as discussions with others can be helpful but you have to accurately be able to judge your condition, diagnose the problems in your life and monitor your own progress. That is where self-deception and lack of clear thinking and lack of honesty impede the healing process. That is the Achilles' heal of the narcissist and the reason many are considered incurable as well as the reason they never make progress as human beings. Narcissism has a broad spectrum, so there is the hope that those with the milder form of it can help themselves heal. The medical profession has something called a “SOAP” approach to diagnosing problems as follows: Step 1: (“Subjective”) gathering accurate information and accurately assembling it. A thorough, truthful history is needed. Accurate details, presented in as NEUTRAL a way as possible (not assigning blame or making one person the hero and the other the villain) need to be gathered. The key here is to be aware that the information obtained is often not the truth either due to poor memory or denial or lack of awareness Step 2: (“Objective”) sorting out, assembling, and organizing the information and assessing it's importance as well as it's “truthfulness” or accuracy Step 3: (“Assessment”) trying to make sense of or “tie together” all of the information and make an accurate assessment of what a recurring problem is for a person and try to make a “diagnosis” of what is actually wrong. There may be multiple things wrong with the person- in fact that is true for every person on this earth, since none of us are perfect. It is only necessary to concentrate on the DYSFUNCTIONAL parts of a person's mental state. This is the part that results in the person hurting themselves or others or the part that slows or prevents personal growth Step 4: (“Plan”) Coming up with a plan or program to help the problem that has now been “diagnosed” or “given a name”. This is always a TENTATIVE diagnosis. Step 5: Continually revising and revisiting steps One through Four and always being willing to change your opinions and strategies with the observation of “response to the treatment”. How then, does this relate to the narc? It is in every one of the above steps that the narc's unique way of looking at things impedes or prevents any progress, so let's break them down: Point 1: Being dedicated to lying and deception and subconsciously considering lying to be a “friend” and fully embracing lying results in the narc seeing nothing wrong with deceiving others OR deceiving themselves. This makes accurate self-assessment, as well as assessment by mental health professionals very difficult. No accurate history can be obtained, if the “facts” gathered are not real or embellished to the point of having no relation to the actual events. Point 2: Gathering or “sorting out” and organizing MISINFORMATION is a waste of time and potentially dangerous, because it forms the basis for “step 3” above, making a tentative diagnosis and implementing a “treatment plan”. Point 3: Accurate, “truthful” feedback on the response to treatment is also not happening with most narcs and therefore the whole healing process comes to a grinding halt, with no progress being made. Point 4: Here is the real tragedy in all of this. The narc tells themselves: “I tried seeking help and it was a waste of my time” they never place the blame for this failure on themselves. It may well be possible that due to the lack of accurate information, the mental health professional was deceived into making an inaccurate diagnosis and implemented a plan that had no chance of succeeding. Point 5: Even when a mental health professional has seen through the deception and realize they have in front of them a Pathological Narcissist, they are up against a mountain of resistance from their patient. They have in front of them a patient that, by default, can't trust, knows more that the psychologist, is not going to allow the Doctor to “manipulate” them, and knows ahead of time that “they are wasting their time”. Point 6: The narc is, in reality, defending their fantasy world, because they have never really lived in the real world and are totally unequipped to live in the REAL world where OTHERS are as important as themselves and the narc is not “the center of the universe”. Point 7: The narc being forced to live in the real world after a lifetime fantasy existence would literally be like a child, needing to relearn how to relate to the world, to others, and to themselves. You can now understand totally why the narc is literally “fighting for his or her life” when someone confronts them with reality and tries to force it on them. Point 8: Unfortunately, the change, or at least an awareness of the problem, has to take place if the narc is ever going to experience real healing, growth and recovery. There may never be true love, joy, empathy, but the narc could at least be aware of the value of those emotions and be aware of the deficiency of those emotions in themselves. The difficulty in healing is proportional to the degree of narcissism the person is suffering from and their ability to become self-aware. Back to the lead statement: Denial is pretending that something that is unsettling doesn't exist, in an effort to lead a peaceful existence. Not dwelling on something means you are aware of it's presence, but not allowing it to “rule your thoughts” or “disturb your peace”. Denial NEVER addresses the issue, therefore no healing, no growth, or regression. Being aware of, but not dwelling on a problem makes it possible to work on the problem, heal, and grow while at the same time not allowing it to “steal your peace”. One method is “the way of death” the other “the way of life” one is negative, the other positive. Just making a cold assessment of the situation isn't it clear which is the better way of doing things?