The Narcissist Promises Heaven, But Delivers Hell The narcissist is, by design, a dishonest partner, never having any intention of presenting their true selves in a relationship. A normal relationship is where both partners get to know each other and make an earnest effort to compromise and adapt to each other, with the idea of creating a bond that will last forever in a relationship that is carefully crafted over time. A normal relationship is based on mutual respect and true love and concern for the partner. In a healthy relationship that love and respect grow and provide the incentive to get to know the partner on a deeper and deeper level. The more intimate the relationship, the more vulnerable each partner makes themselves and the deeper the relationship becomes. This creates a deep loyalty. An honest partner is interested in continually improving and growing the relationship and the bond and the love and loyalty. The narcissist isn't interested in any of the above for a number of reasons. First and foremost, his ability to love is nonexistent or very weak, second he has no empathy, or interest in knowing his love partner, third, the narcissist is not dedicated to honesty and has little genuine respect for his partner. In short all of the important things required for a solid and satisfying relationship are absent in the narc. So the narc is forced to put on an act and mimic what comes across as genuine emotional investment, love , concern, empathy, commitment, respect, and loyalty. The narc doesn't comprehend any of these emotions only what they appear like on the outside, so he approaches a relationship from a totally different perspective. Unfortunately, to the partner the narc appears normal and on the same page and genuinely interested in a healthy relationship. The giveaways are that the narc does occasionally slip. There are times where lack of empathy, lack of loyalty, lack of honesty, and lack of genuine love make a brief visit to the surface of the narc's personality, but the narc explains the situations away and the narc's partner is all too willing to believe the narc's excuses. Because the narc is unable to experience any of the emotions necessary in creating a truly satisfying relationship, he doesn't have the incentives needed to build the relationship and is also incapable of appreciating or enjoying a relationship and therefore he doesn't really value the relationship for any of the correct reasons. Instead, the narc sees a relationship as a source of fuel, or narcissistic supply. This means the relationship itself has no real value, only the energy that can be extracted from it and sadly, there is no real love or appreciation for the partner. The narc is truly putting on an act or wearing a mask and playing a game, unfortunately the rest of the world, especially the intimate partner, is serious and unaware that below the normal appearing surface the narc has none of the positive emotions or intentions that he is portraying. Only occasional “glitches” will give a glimpse of the real person behind the mask and it is never a pretty sight. So, now that the groundwork for the narc's mentality and attitude towards relationships has been established, let's talk about the promises that are made or implied by the narc in a relationship. It boggles the normal person's mind when a person that is “100 percent in”, “totally committed to” a relationship for years, overnight becomes a different person and leaves a relationship with no remorse, leaving behind all of the commitment and all of the promises made to the partner. The reason for the narc leaving, if one is given at all, makes no sense or is simply something that a normal person who loves there partner would understand. So here is what I think has been going on. The narc, by his very nature is never serious about a relationship the way a normal person would be. To the narc it is a game and he will say, do, and promise whatever it it takes to achieve the goal of obtaining his narcissist supply or the love and devotion of his partner. Intuitively knowing that he never has any intentions of fulfilling all of the promises he makes leaves him free to promise just about anything. The promise might just be an implied lifetime commitment or love or loyalty or devotion to the partner, or for a man a promise of great future wealth to the unsuspecting female partner. None of it is a problem, because the narc will always have a good excuse for why they haven't delivered on the promises. At best the partner might just get disappointing news that the promised future wealth just disappeared due to unforeseen or unexpected circumstances. The partner, now hooked, lovingly understands. When instead, a narc simply tires of a relationship and has found a new source of supply in another partner, the narc employs a different strategy. Alternatively, the partner may begin to show signs of independence and unwillingness to allow the narc to control them, or the partner may start showing signs of being aware of the narc's act. Any of these are reason enough for the narc to seek fresher fields. Usually the narc will set up a set of circumstances that will make the partner seem like they are at fault for causing the breakup. The reason given is frequently makes no sense, or the narc baits the partner into getting upset and then uses the partner's reaction as the reason for the breakup. The narc then makes a hasty retreat with no discussion or conversation had, otherwise known as the discard. The narc, having no empathy, first of all has no incentive to help his now useless former partner because there is “nothing in it” for him. Second, the narc at least partially understands that he has done something wrong by breaking up with the partner. Third, the narc also knows that the excuses and lies he has made for the breakup may not stand up to scrutiny, so it is best to remain silent and “no contact”. In conclusion, the narc makes incredible and outrageous promises and is free to do so, because he will always have a good excuse or an exit strategy lined up if there is ever the risk of having to deliver on the promises. The victim promised HEAVEN, is left with the reality of a true HELL on earth when the narc discards them with no remorse and no contact and no closure.

Another important thing to note about the narcissist's relationships that underscores the fact that they are not serious about having a real relationship and that they don't value or love the person they are seeking a relationship with is the indiscriminate nature of the choice they make in partners. Since the narc isn't looking for a partner to love and respect, but just someone to extract energy or narcissistic supply from and manipulate, their partner can be a janitor, a mailman, a doctor, a lawyer or even a stay-at-home father that isn't working that gives the narc the opportunity for an easily concealed thrill. Their partner can be older or younger than them, or not even good looking. The income level of a new partner is not important to the narc if they have another partner paying the bills, since the narc never expects to have a permanent relationship with the new partner. They will convince a new partner in any way necessary that they are serious and committed to the relationship and promise the new partner they are planning a life with them and love them, simply to string them along and extract their fuel. All the while the narc plans his exit strategy as just previously described. Every relationship scenario is just seen as a different set of variables to manipulate to the narcissist's advantage. The narc's partner choices are merely pawns and three dimensional objects for the narcissist's use. The narcissist will be able to manipulate the people that are in the lower status and intelligence category more easily and be able to extract higher quality fuel from those partners of higher status and intelligence. No matter their status, every one of the narc's partners will be discarded if there is no more energy to extract from them. The narc's insatiable desire for a new experience makes them continually seek relationships with all categories of people, since they are never satisfied. So let's re-emphasize the common theme. The narc doesn't cherish, understand, appreciate, or seek out a healthy relationship with a love partner. The narc doesn't have the capacity to love, appreciate, or respect another human being in a relationship, they only view their partner as a source of narcissistic supply or fuel, this makes the partner disposable and the narc has no intention of a lifetime commitment to any one person, unless that lifetime relationship provides something of benefit to the narc. The narc will feign love, commitment, respect, remorse, empathy, anything necessary if it is needed to maintain their narcissistic supply. The narc may experience “withdrawal symptoms” if the partner unexpectedly exits the relationship, but this is not due to sadness about losing the person, it's all about pride, having their sense of “being in control” shattered. The narc will not miss the partner in the normal way or be heartbroken, they will miss the energy supply and any desire to get the relationship back is all about regaining control over the relationship or getting back the energy supply. Healing from narcissistic abuse can be a long process. Knowledge is the key to understanding what happened to you. This unfortunately requires understanding the dark inner recesses and warped motivations of the narc's mind. That mind isn't a swamp, it's more like a sewer and you need to explore it to understand and get healthy. Take heart, you will get better and once again go out into the fresh air and sunlight and you will be able to experience things with new insight and be armed with knowledge and wisdom that will equip you to spot and avoid these evil creatures in the future. You have the capacity to love, to deeply feel, to experience joy. The narc will never have these things and always be unhappy and dissatisfied. Once again, thank you for watching, your comments are always welcome.