The 9 Stages of Covert Narcissist Abuse Recovery: One Person's Perspective (account de-personalized to protect the Narcissistic abuser): Please Note: This is the relationship from the victim's point of view: Initial situation: The abuse victim has been in a relationship which has lasted over 3 years and has made himself totally vulnerable. The victim has planned all of his future with the needs and desires of his narc partner being of primary importance. The victim has NEVER heard of Covert narcissism and can't conceive of this type of person even existing. He trusts his partner implicitly. He is certainly aware that the partner sometimes embellishes stories and has caught the partner in lies that they refuse to admit to, the victim attributes this to “ no one is perfect”. The victim sometimes can't understand the narc's occasional apparent callousness, subtle, but obvious shifting of their loyalty away from the relationship, and apparent lack of empathy in situations that any normal human being would be concerned and offer support, let alone an intimate partner. Any concerns brought up to the narc are easily explained away by the narc and the victim, being 100 percent committed to the relationship, is eager to believe the explanations. Occasional arguments with the narc do puzzle the victim, because there are often no logical reasons for the arguments and there is never any gain or resolution from the arguments. These arguments simply serve to disturb the peace of the relationship. Pain with no gain or actual regression. What is the point? When trying to actually have meaningful discussions that may resolve problems in the relationship, the victim somehow never gets anywhere with the narc and subconsciously does get frustrated. The victim tries every method possible to move the relationship forward and forge solid plans for the future, but the narc is constantly shifting their views and modifying past conversations to make them mean something different than was actually intended. Even worse the narc subtly changes statements the victim has made in the past, changing the meaning and intent of what was said by the victim. In addition, the narc sometimes presents themselves as an authority on a subject they don't understand, and the victim has long ago learned NEVER to tell the narc “you don't know what you are talking about”. Lastly, the narc sometimes uses reasoning and logic in incoherent ways, almost as if they don't integrate their thoughts or have a core belief system that they rely on for decision making, viewing the world, and learning from life. One example of this is that the narc will tie together two unrelated things, making one event the cause and the other, unrelated event the effect, then tie these two events to a nonsensical conclusion that furthers an argument or an agenda that the narc is trying to achieve. I guess to simplify things the narc seeks an outcome or conclusion FIRST, then warps reasoning and actual events into a reality that supports that nonsensical conclusion. The narc literally wants to be in control of reality- the reality of the past, the present and the future, and this is one method of changing the past and immediate present. More frustration and more items on the list of things to resolve for the victim who is serious about having a deep, meaningful, healthy, joyful, satisfying relationship with the narc. The victim always has hope that it's only a matter of time before he can finally understand the narc and give them what they need so that the relationship can move forward and truly be healthy, functional and satisfying. The victim is totally vulnerable, totally in love with, and totally devoted to the narc partner. The victim believes in and trusts the narc 100 percent and has total Faith in their narc partner. The narc in turn always re-emphasizes their love, commitment and loyalty to their victim with WORDS. It's only the narc's actions in those areas that give doubt, as well as the apparent inability to progress the relationship forward through communication. The victim actually buys the narc books on communication and tries to get things on track, but all attempts eventually fade into the ether and the victim is at a loss, but still tries to find other ways to make a great relationship (based on the narc's VERBAL feedback and the victim's hope and belief in the narc's honesty) better. Stage 1: The sudden and unexpected chain of events that results in a great relationship with the narc “loving” their partner on October 6, to a discard- “the relationship is over” -on October 11 with NOT ONE WORD spoken in between, a “dropping of the mask” with the narc literally acting like a stranger the love partner never even met before, and the narc fluidly and expertly flirting with someone 5 feet away from the victim on October 15 and a subsequent vicious physical attack on October 18 with an imposition of NO CONTACT on the victim and SERIOUS threats to the victim. Three additional aggressive encounters by the narc, with the narc being furious and re- emphasizing they don't want ANY conversation or communication whatsoever with the victim and repeating and doubling down on very serious threats against the victim. The victim is terrorized and paralyzed and for over 6 weeks, fearing for his life and the safety of his pets and those around him. The victim can't eat or sleep and all the while he tries to contact the partner and get some resolution,- NONE will be offered. Stage 2: The victim has just lost the love of his life and is shocked by what the narc has done, as well as terrorized by the incredible threats made to him. The victim never thought the narc capable of any of the actions just mentioned, so the victim tries to understand- he needs answers and some closure from the narc. The narc refuses any resolution to the situation, only making the victim at total fault for the breakup. Internet searches by putting in the unusual behavior of the narc, points the victim to a condition called covert narcissism (also referred to as inverted narcissism, as the victim later finds out). The victim then embarks on a painful journey of discovery, finding answers to what the previous 3 plus years of his life were really about. Stage 3: The victim doesn't want to accept or believe his partner is really a narc and continues trying to understand this condition. There are different types of narcs, the condition is on a spectrum. Yes most narcs can't be cured, but maybe his narc CAN. Stage 4: In an effort to find out what went wrong with the relationship, the victim learns that the narc was already “shopping” new partners online and flirting with men on the internet and then comes the real shock: the narc is already intimately involved with someone on line and possibly has already hooked up with this person, since they don't live that far away. Stage 5: The victim then tries to engage the partner on the social site that gave the narc their new persona, “life mission” and “soul mate”, and is subject to the cruelest form of gas lighting, mind games and triangulation by the narc and the new intimate partner. The new intimate partner gloats about having taken away the victim's lover and makes vicious and SERIOUS indirect threats against the narc's previous partner, also known as our victim. The narc indirectly also makes it clear how superior the new love interest is to the victim and how she adores, admires, respects and is bonded to the new partner as well as how much she and her new partner have in common. KEEP IN MIND this is literally 6 weeks after the victim was told “I love you” by the narc and the future relationship was on track. Stage 6: After weeks of abuse, incredible intimidation and fear, the victim decides to go to the authorities and file a report, ONLY for defensive reasons. The victim also gets on the aforementioned social site, building his own page and begins to get back a sense of himself. He gets to a point where he is no longer afraid of the narc and definitely is, and WAS NEVER afraid of the weasel (actually a complicit flying monkey if you want to be accurate) that is her new intimate partner. This progresses to the point where the new lover is confronted by the victim to follow through on his threats. The new partner turns out to be a coward and our victim finally gets back some of the self- respect, dignity, and self confidence that was torn from him. Stage 7: The victim begins having clarity and slowly realizes the incredibly warped, insane, surreal situation he was in with the narc, without ever having known it. He finally gets answers to all of the bizarre, unexplained behavior of the narc and through discovering that narcs are all very similar and that the victims all have similar experiences, he realizes that he was NOT to blame for any of the things that happened to him, even though the narc convinced him otherwise. His behavior to the breakup, lack of closure, and difficulty getting over the narc was all totally NORMAL behavior that a normally healthy human being who truly loves their partner would have exhibited. As time goes by, the victim is finally able to have positive thoughts, hope and optimism again and suddenly everything changes. The victim can clearly see a bright optimistic future for himself and has the epiphany that the narc is still living in the sewer that is located in their mind. The narc will probably never get out of that sewer, because they are comfortable living there. Stage 8: The victim looks back on the experience with the narc and sees it for the tragedy that it was. There was NO GOOD in the relationship. The victim realizes that, without a doubt, he would have been better off NEVER having met the narc. The life experience gained may have matured the victim, but only to the extent he is now aware to be on the lookout for these filthy demons that sometimes have the appearance of an angel that was sent from heaven. The narc is DEFINITELY not an inhabitant of heaven. They prefer the darkness, deception and lies that they have lived their whole lives in and will continue to live in. Stage 9: The narc no longer has any hold on the victim and although the victim still thinks about the narc, this becomes less and less. The victim now thinks of the narc with the same indifference that the narc always thought of him – no emotions or feelings. The narc is of NO CONSEQUENCE to the victim. Healing is now clearly evident, but the victim now knows that the narc may well make another appearance in the future to destroy anything that has been rebuilt. The victim will make sure to get strong and be prepared IF this ever happens. The victim is actually hoping to NEVER see or hear from the narc again. The narc wanted the relationship and eventually got the relationship with the victim and then the narc wanted nothing to do with the victim and achieved that also. So to the narc I say: “Well done, you won and got everything you ever wanted. You screwed up my life with impunity. Savor your victory, you are truly a better, more powerful, more capable person than I will ever hope to be, or even could aspire to be. Let me clarify: In the areas of lies, deceit, mind games, disloyalty, duplicity, callousness, cruelty. Yes, in those ares you are unparalleled and unbeatable, a true champion, your power in those areas is incredible. Well done!! In conclusion: Is there a “Stage 10” or more? Is this the end of the story? I sincerely hope so, but at this point I can't say I know for sure. The only thing I know for sure is that I am happier than I have been for a long time, to think of it, sort of like I was before the narc ever darkened my doorstep. I guess that's progress, and maybe, hopefully a happy ending to a situation that could have ended very badly for me, the victim. Thank you as always for watching. I hope these videos provide you with as much comfort as other people's accounts have done for me. Stay strong, hold on, do whatever it takes to get away from these narcs and inform yourself about their evil ways. But YOU have to know what path is best for YOU. We are all different and each person's path to recovery is different. Peace and tranquility and joy are possible and will be felt by you again, once the narc's toxins and poisons have been processed and are out of your system. You have the ability to love, the ability to feel joy, the ability to have all of the positive emotions this world has to offer and that is why the narc chose you and extracted every ounce of positivity and goodness from you before they threw you away like useless garbage. You have the ability to regenerate those positive things on your own and be a clear, sane thinker once again. The narc doesn't have the capability of generating these things on their own- they depend on others. Remember that.